Netflix Presents: The Characters (2016) s01e02 Episode Script
John Early
1 As I stand here contemplating On the right thing to decide Will I take the wrong direction All my life? Where will I go? What lies ahead of me? I have strong determination And I'm not afraid of change I have yet to find that someone Who would care to satisfy me To stay right by me I didn't watch that until I was way older than you would think, like, 12.
I am totally kidding! Hey, congrats, queen.
Oh, thank you, you freak bitch.
John, this is all so beautiful! Oh, well, thank you so much, but it is very low-key.
We're gonna have a no-frills courthouse wedding, so we wanted the rehearsal dinner to reflect that.
Anyway, the interiors are very much rustic, which I love.
But the bathrooms are all Hollywood, which is so my jam.
Anyway, I am gabbing.
But this is one of Mahan and my Oh, Mahan and me's favorite places to go, to get away, so we wanted to invite some of our nearest and dearest.
Hint, you are the nearest and dearest! Is Mahan's family here? Shh! Anyway, thank you, guys, so much for making the trek upstate.
I mean, come on, thank you! I know it can be hard to get away, but I swear to God, I cannot take a deep breath unless I am out of the city.
You know? Right? Try it.
Janna, I said no gifts.
Come on! - Oh, no.
This is my bus ticket.
- Good.
What is that story you tell, the one I love? - I don't know.
- You told it recently.
- I don't know.
- It is with the Sorry, John.
I can't hear you.
With the - Of course.
- Yes.
Yeah, sure.
Ah It's not good, but that's OK.
Whatever, right? - Don't sell yourself short, girl! - Oh, I am not.
So, I was working for this guy Focus up.
Focus up.
And he was, like, super Republican.
And I was basically his assistant, so I had access to his contacts.
And I was just looking through them one day, and the guy literally had George W.
W.
Bush.
Sorry, keep going! He had George W.
Bush's cell phone number in his contacts, and I had access to it.
- Yeah? - Crazy, right? And that is it.
That is it.
And - I am sorry? - The punchline of the story.
- Oh.
- Fed it to you up top.
- Oh.
- Punchline! I need the punchline! - Yeah.
- Yeah.
So I had just said to John, it would be funny "Very funny.
" Sorry, go ahead.
if I texted George W.
Bush in the middle of the night "You up?" I thought, you know, it would certainly be a surprise! But Secret Service would probably be there pretty fast.
That wasn't the original punchline.
The original was, "You up?" You're right.
What did you do today? Earlier today, I saw some friends from camp.
And there was this distance there that wasn't there when at camp.
That was hard, because I considered those people to be like my family.
When you are in a place for eight weeks, that limited amount of time, like you open your heart in a way that you wouldn't necessarily open your heart in your daily life.
Like you go balls-to-the-fucking-wall, like, emotionally.
You make plans, then they fall through, and it's like, "I saw them today.
" "Don't act like those plans didn't fall through," you know? When did you go to camp? '01.
What do you like to do for fun? Hang out with my closest friends, and literally we just don't give a fuck.
- Who is your best friend? - My dad.
That is sweet.
- Do you like to travel? - No.
But you said you like to go out.
I will say that I do love to dance.
Sometimes we'll just walk up into a club and don't even know what's up.
It said in your profile that you are a youth pastor.
- For sure, yeah.
- What age kids do you work with? Nine to eleven.
Oh, cool age! That is a good age.
It is one of my favorite ages, in terms of their playful spirits.
Yeah I get that.
- Are you OK? - Yeah.
- Did it go down the wrong pipe? - Yeah.
- What is your favorite food? - Lasagna.
Yeah? If I am being honest Uh-huh? Pizza.
Pizza is great.
Yeah.
How did you get this scar on your forehead? I was injured in a trust fall.
So, what do you do? Well, I am in PR.
It is mainly event-planning for this small, like, a boutique company here in town.
But most of our clients are in the arts, so that is pretty cool.
I majored in communications.
And when I got out of school, I was totally naive and thought I would go straight into corporate, but I ended up doing, like, social media for this non-profit.
It was, like, so gay.
And then I asked myself, like, "Shannon, what are you passionate about?" And I was, like, "Stories.
" And PR is kind of like storytelling.
But like the story of a brand.
Jason? Jason? - Jason? - What's up? Is it all right if I smoke? By all means, go ahead.
This place is very, very laid-back.
- But that is upstate, so.
- Totally! You cannot appreciate the city unless you just get out of it for a few days.
- That's what I'm always telling students.
- You teach? Well, that is subtle! Oh! - This is gorgeous! - What the hell is this place? Mahan and I love this place because it reflects our shabby-chic sensibility.
And a lot of the artwork here really has a kind of gay vibe to it.
Do you know what I mean? That is really exciting for the wedding, you know? And human rights.
Oh, OK.
Got it.
"Huger Manor was built as a summer home of Sir Jubal Huger, a wealthy southern contractor famous for his comprehensive library of erotic artifacts and collection of exotic pets.
" How funky! "Each summer, Jubal would travel to Huger Manor with his entire library of African erotica, two Bengal tigers, three Great Danes, a parakeet and over two dozen slaves.
" I am sorry? "Although slavery was outlawed in the North by 1827, Huger went to great measures to disguise his caravan of African slaves.
" What? What is a? Like, a minivan? What is that? It's a group of people traveling together.
In this case, black.
African-American, Jessica.
- You know, against their will.
- Sheesh! You know, honey, when we heard the news about the ruling, I looked over at your father, and there were tears just streaming down his face.
Fuck.
Fuck! God damn it! It is not working.
- Mine doesn't work.
- Mine doesn't work.
If that one doesn't work, and this one doesn't work - Light it off mine.
- OK.
Oh, there you go.
That is OK.
That is OK.
Don't forget about me over here.
I need mine, too.
Here you go.
- You suck it in.
- OK, yeah.
We used to do this.
You got to suck it in while she does it.
- Oh, my God! - Oh, Jesus fucking - It will be fine.
- It is OK.
- That burned! - Relax.
Oh, God.
Now I am awake.
You know that feeling when you are in an amazing service and you walk out those front church doors, and the sun hits your skin, and you feel so full of the Holy Spirit? The next thing you know, you are in the front seat of your car, and you are passing back Capri Suns, you know? And the tubes with the cheese The pretzel tubes with the pizza cheese up in the center.
- Yeah, I know them.
- Oh, yeah.
I know what those are.
- Oh, I lost it.
- OK.
You got it, baby.
I can see the words right in front of my face, hovering there, and I am reaching, and I just cannot get them.
- What are those - Combos.
- Combos, yes.
- Combos, that is what it is.
You are passing back the Combos, you know, and you start to get that sinking feeling, because you know that for the rest of the week, you are going to be wondering where the fuck Jesus Christ went.
Right? Please welcome Vicky with a V! How y'all doing tonight? Guess who is in town this week? Who? The mother-in-law.
Before she leaves, she will have done three things.
One, criticize my cooking.
Two, use a racial slur.
Third, taped over one of my favorite soaps.
Bye, bitch! Bye, Mom! My husband and I were going to dinner.
I was feeling chilly.
I was just wearing a halter.
I said, "Honey, I am going to run inside and grab my denim.
" He said, "Honey, we don't have time.
I made reservations at Maggiano's at 7:30.
It is 7:15.
It's gonna take 25 minutes to get there.
Gonna put us 10 minutes late.
" I said, "Honey, it's gonna take me one minute to run inside and grab my denim.
What's one more minute mean to the people at Maggiano's?" "Honey, I am serious.
Get in the car.
" I said, "Honey, I am serious.
" "I am looking for my denim.
" You know that feeling when it is three in the morning, kids, husband asleep and you walk downstairs and you start pawing through your kids' Halloween candy? And you eat the It is three packets of flavored sugar, and there is a stick.
Oh, wait.
Yes, I know.
I know what that is.
You dip in it.
No, no.
Oh, I know what this is.
It is right on the tip of my tongue.
I mean, I can taste it.
If it is on the tip of your tongue, go one step further, and it should be there.
Oh - She's almost got it.
- I know you got it.
I don't have it.
Oh, wait No, no, no.
I remember now.
- Fun Dip.
- Fun Dip, yeah.
I would have had it, too, if you hadn't You eat the whole thing, stick included.
You start doing circles in your kitchen.
And you are crying and crying, but it is not a bad cry.
It is not a bad cry, it is an energized cry.
And then pass out on the couch.
That is how I feel right now, y'all.
Y'all know not to cross me when I am what? Looking for my denim! I ran inside, tore up the house looking for my denim.
My daughter said, "Mommy, why are you acting crazy?" "Because I can't find my denim.
" "I don't like it when you are looking.
" "It's not my job for you to like me now, it's my job to find my denim.
Your job is to help me find my denim.
Get on your knees and look under the couch.
" Do not cross my Christian ass if I am what? Looking for my denim! We are selling denim shirts out front.
Thank you so much.
You have been so great! Honey, what's wrong? Not more than two hours ago, I was on top of the world.
I was on top of the world.
Me and three of my girlfriends went on the Sex and the City bus tour.
Yeah.
We dressed up as our favorite characters.
I was Miranda.
Kind of by process of elimination.
- Oh, honey.
- I am sorry.
At the end of the tour, we pull up to the front steps of Carrie's apartment.
Oh, I just got chills.
Oh, I had chills, from the Keds on my feet to the banana clip in my hair.
But I looked out that window, and I thought "What if I lived here?" You know? "What if I was single?" You know? "What if, God strike me down, I didn't have kids?" But I felt this real sharp pain in my forearm.
This real intense but alive pain.
And I look down I had been carving into my arm with one of my acrylics.
And I looked down, and I had written "I am the Carrie.
" I am the Carrie.
OK, you absolutely cannot smoke in here.
John? Girl, what are you doing in the kitchen? He just came in here and started chopping vegetables.
Like, grabbed the knife out of my hand.
I don't really know.
I just wanted to get a little break.
We are fine.
This is a very small party.
I wouldn't necessarily call it small.
Jocelyn and Tommy are actors.
- Hi.
- Cool.
Jocelyn, are you in any unions? - SAG-AFTRA.
- SAG-AFTRA? Actors' Equity? - SAG-AFTRA.
- SAG-AFTRA? OK.
Before or after the merger? - After.
- After? What I love about unions is that they ensure that you get breaks, so if you have a ten-hour day Jesus! Are you OK? Oh, my God.
Yeah, yeah.
Whatever.
Go, go.
Have a drink.
I am fine.
Get loose.
It is your party, too, OK? - What? - Have fun! Go, go.
Go.
Don't make me say it twice.
Since when do you cook, honey? I took a night-class school.
Oh, wow! John, what is going on? What do you mean, "What is going on?" This is going on, that is going on, my new friends Tommy and Jocelyn have got it going on.
Change is going on in the ruling.
OK.
I am just I am worried about you, because it is your big day.
I want you to shine.
Cole I need you to go upstairs and do what you do, OK? So make a joke about fucking Kathy Najimy, Christine Baranski, or whatever the fuck.
As I stand here contemplating On the right thing to decide Will I take the wrong direction All my life? Where will I go? What lies ahead of me? I have strong determination And I'm not afraid of change I have yet to find that someone Who would care to satisfy me To stay right by me Oh, who can I run to? To share this empty space? Nicole? Hi! Sorry.
What are you doing? I am just giving these fine people some smooth jams! That's so great, but you know I actually curated a playlist, because I sent it in a group email.
Who can I run to? Who can Who can I run to To share this empty space Who can I run to when I need love? Oh, who can I run to To fill this empty space With laughter? Who can I run to When I need love? Oh! - Oh, shit! - What the fuck? John! Hey.
Look, I just wanted to say, I think it is really cool what you did back there.
Those guys were jerks, and she couldn't defend herself.
I mean, how could she? She is blind.
And I know it might sound crazy that I just came here in the pouring rain, just to tell you that, but the point is that I am here, and you are here.
We are both here.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.
Oh, just stay in the scene.
Yeah.
So, we are going to go again.
It just seems like something is not really quite landing, and I think it is a slight physical adjustment.
So, possibly, I will have you just drop your shoulders a little.
Yeah, all the way.
So, yeah, just normal.
There we go.
And maybe we don't squint.
You know, we open our eyes.
We don't rely on squinting as acting, you know? - Sure.
- OK.
So, we're going to do it again.
You can just take it from "And this might seem crazy.
" All right? Whenever you are ready.
I know it might seem crazy, but Hey, buddy.
How is it going? So there is sort of this big element missing, and it is pretty clear at this point that the element is you.
- Are you cold? - No.
Awesome.
Then let's not do this shivering.
- OK.
- All right? And let's do it again.
Let's drop our shoulders.
And maybe if we do less cuff work, because, as you can see, those are essentially shredded.
So awesome.
We are going to do it again, this time from the top.
All right.
- Whenever you are ready.
- Yeah.
Hey.
I just wanted to say, I think it is really cool what you did back there.
Those guys were jerks.
And she couldn't defend herself.
I mean, how could she? She is Jewish.
I mean, she is blind! - Riley? - Yeah? - Do we need to take a break? - No, Mom.
- Do you need some water? - No, Mom.
Do I need to get out my hairbrush and brush you God damn calm, to calm you down like when you were seven? No, Mom.
Then get tough! Hey.
I just wanted to say, I think it is really cool what you did back there.
Those guys were jerks.
She couldn't defend herself.
I mean, how could she? She is blind.
I know it might sound crazy that I came here in the pouring rain just to tell you that, but the point is that I am here, and you are here.
We are both here.
I thought it was tight.
Settle down.
I am sorry.
Why is this hard? You know? You are a performer, John.
Maybe, when it is more real, it is harder to perform.
So, wow! It is so nice to be here with some of my closest friends.
Truly, thank you, from me, from Mahan and our parents.
I am sorry, my parents.
New York is my home.
And sometimes, you know, L.
A.
I do go back-and-forth for business.
But I never feel more at home than when I'm upstate.
I mean, look around.
Look around.
You will notice the decor is .
.
spontaneous, random, it all came together.
It is organic.
Kind of like how we all came together.
Does that ring a bell? When I came to New York City with a dream and a suitcase I didn't even know I was gay.
Are you OK? And then I met Mahan.
And that changed for me.
Sorry.
Mahan and I made a promise that we would not get married until everyone in this glorious, and I am not afraid to say it, fucked-up nation, could.
Oh, sorry.
Did you have white or red? Jos, Jos, sit down.
Caroline has got it.
Yeah, no harm.
Smile.
Thank you, Caroline.
You know, and here we are, post-ruling, and I am so thrilled.
So thrilled! I am beyond thrilled to share this moment with all the little boys and girls across this nation, who are going, "Why does that feel funny? What is that movement down there?" You know? I remember being in middle school, being young.
I remember looking at my teachers, male teachers, you know, with their khaki pants and their dicks swinging, you know? Thinking, "I want that.
That is what I want.
" And you experiment.
You experiment.
I remember being young and playing doctor.
You know, kids play doctor.
And, I mean, I remember, like, Mom, you walking in on some very compromising situations.
- I don't remember - It is fine.
Shh! There were times like that where it got really serious.
"Did I just lose my virginity? I am seven.
" I don't know.
And I buried that feeling.
As deep as I can, you know? I'm sorry, Mama You better believe it has come up, and now its ugly head is rip-roaring out of my soul.
And it is saying, "I love you, Mahan.
" But now I stand before you guys fully gay.
And Mahan, to my right, y'all's left is also fully gay.
And we are, surprise, surprise gay together.
Janna! I am sorry! I am sorry.
I am sorry.
Do you want to share with the class what you said just now? All I am saying is So why would she pour, unless you had sipped during the toast? For those of you who have full glasses let's raise them up.
- Here we go.
- Here we go! Here we go.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Excuse me.
John is many things to me.
He is a friend.
He is my fiancé.
He is He is so funny.
A comedian.
And actor.
A comedian and actor.
And And now he will be my husband.
I never felt I would be able to say that about anyone.
And I hated that part of me.
so much.
And it was always painful.
But right now, with you guys here it is so beautiful.
And for the first time in my life, I feel free.
Oh, my God.
- What is wrong? - Oh, no.
Nothing.
Keep going.
Are you hot? Are you hot? - I am fine.
- I am feeling hot.
If you are fine, good.
That is all I care about.
When we first met, it was like in a movie.
I had never, before that, felt - Oh, my God! - Oh! - OK, let's get you some food.
- Something is wrong.
Yeah.
Just take some bread.
- Thanks so much.
- There you go.
Everyone, it's fine.
That food's gonna help.
Oh, my God.
Is that What is the Ethiopian flatbread you communally share and pass round? Oh, my God! - Oh, my God.
- John? - How long was I out? - You weren't.
I was in a full dream state for three seconds, Dad.
- John, I think - I am fine.
- Oh, God! - OK, yeah.
- Is there a place he can lay down? - Yeah, in my manager's office.
No, no, no.
Guys, sorry.
No.
You guys, don't worry about it.
Have the night off.
You've been working all day.
Oh, my God! This is embarrassing.
Oh, my God! No, no.
I am fine.
I am fine.
I do need I probably Whoa! OK, I love you all.
I am going to call 911! Here, have some water! John! John! I need you to wake up, OK? John! John! John! John, no! Wake up! No! Oh, my God! No! John! John! Johnny! John! Come on, wake up! Come on! As I stand here contemplating On the right thing to decide Will I take the wrong direction All my life? Where will I go? What lies ahead of me? I have strong determination And I'm not afraid of change I have yet to find that someone Who would care to satisfy me To stay right by me Oh, who can I run to? Who can I run to To share this empty space? Tell me, who can I run to When I need love? Who can I run to? Who can I run to To fill this empty space with laughter? Who can I run to When I need love? In my mind it's so confusing Who will be that special one? Every day I'm trying to find you On the run I've got to know Is there a place for me? I know love has many meanings And a message very clear All it takes is time and patience To bring it near But who has got me Tell me, who can I run to? Who can I run to To share this empty space? Who can I run to when I need love? Who can I run to To fill this empty space with laughter? Who can I run to When I need love? Nicole! Tell me Who can I run to? When I need love Tell me Who can I run to? When I need love I want to know Who I can run to I need love Ave Maria Gratia plena Maria Gratia plena Maria Gratia plena Ave Ave, ave dominus Dominus tecum Benedicta tu in muli eribus Et benedictus Et benedictus fructus ventris Oh, yeah! Ventris tuae Jesus Ave Maria Yeah! I think we got it.
I am totally kidding! Hey, congrats, queen.
Oh, thank you, you freak bitch.
John, this is all so beautiful! Oh, well, thank you so much, but it is very low-key.
We're gonna have a no-frills courthouse wedding, so we wanted the rehearsal dinner to reflect that.
Anyway, the interiors are very much rustic, which I love.
But the bathrooms are all Hollywood, which is so my jam.
Anyway, I am gabbing.
But this is one of Mahan and my Oh, Mahan and me's favorite places to go, to get away, so we wanted to invite some of our nearest and dearest.
Hint, you are the nearest and dearest! Is Mahan's family here? Shh! Anyway, thank you, guys, so much for making the trek upstate.
I mean, come on, thank you! I know it can be hard to get away, but I swear to God, I cannot take a deep breath unless I am out of the city.
You know? Right? Try it.
Janna, I said no gifts.
Come on! - Oh, no.
This is my bus ticket.
- Good.
What is that story you tell, the one I love? - I don't know.
- You told it recently.
- I don't know.
- It is with the Sorry, John.
I can't hear you.
With the - Of course.
- Yes.
Yeah, sure.
Ah It's not good, but that's OK.
Whatever, right? - Don't sell yourself short, girl! - Oh, I am not.
So, I was working for this guy Focus up.
Focus up.
And he was, like, super Republican.
And I was basically his assistant, so I had access to his contacts.
And I was just looking through them one day, and the guy literally had George W.
W.
Bush.
Sorry, keep going! He had George W.
Bush's cell phone number in his contacts, and I had access to it.
- Yeah? - Crazy, right? And that is it.
That is it.
And - I am sorry? - The punchline of the story.
- Oh.
- Fed it to you up top.
- Oh.
- Punchline! I need the punchline! - Yeah.
- Yeah.
So I had just said to John, it would be funny "Very funny.
" Sorry, go ahead.
if I texted George W.
Bush in the middle of the night "You up?" I thought, you know, it would certainly be a surprise! But Secret Service would probably be there pretty fast.
That wasn't the original punchline.
The original was, "You up?" You're right.
What did you do today? Earlier today, I saw some friends from camp.
And there was this distance there that wasn't there when at camp.
That was hard, because I considered those people to be like my family.
When you are in a place for eight weeks, that limited amount of time, like you open your heart in a way that you wouldn't necessarily open your heart in your daily life.
Like you go balls-to-the-fucking-wall, like, emotionally.
You make plans, then they fall through, and it's like, "I saw them today.
" "Don't act like those plans didn't fall through," you know? When did you go to camp? '01.
What do you like to do for fun? Hang out with my closest friends, and literally we just don't give a fuck.
- Who is your best friend? - My dad.
That is sweet.
- Do you like to travel? - No.
But you said you like to go out.
I will say that I do love to dance.
Sometimes we'll just walk up into a club and don't even know what's up.
It said in your profile that you are a youth pastor.
- For sure, yeah.
- What age kids do you work with? Nine to eleven.
Oh, cool age! That is a good age.
It is one of my favorite ages, in terms of their playful spirits.
Yeah I get that.
- Are you OK? - Yeah.
- Did it go down the wrong pipe? - Yeah.
- What is your favorite food? - Lasagna.
Yeah? If I am being honest Uh-huh? Pizza.
Pizza is great.
Yeah.
How did you get this scar on your forehead? I was injured in a trust fall.
So, what do you do? Well, I am in PR.
It is mainly event-planning for this small, like, a boutique company here in town.
But most of our clients are in the arts, so that is pretty cool.
I majored in communications.
And when I got out of school, I was totally naive and thought I would go straight into corporate, but I ended up doing, like, social media for this non-profit.
It was, like, so gay.
And then I asked myself, like, "Shannon, what are you passionate about?" And I was, like, "Stories.
" And PR is kind of like storytelling.
But like the story of a brand.
Jason? Jason? - Jason? - What's up? Is it all right if I smoke? By all means, go ahead.
This place is very, very laid-back.
- But that is upstate, so.
- Totally! You cannot appreciate the city unless you just get out of it for a few days.
- That's what I'm always telling students.
- You teach? Well, that is subtle! Oh! - This is gorgeous! - What the hell is this place? Mahan and I love this place because it reflects our shabby-chic sensibility.
And a lot of the artwork here really has a kind of gay vibe to it.
Do you know what I mean? That is really exciting for the wedding, you know? And human rights.
Oh, OK.
Got it.
"Huger Manor was built as a summer home of Sir Jubal Huger, a wealthy southern contractor famous for his comprehensive library of erotic artifacts and collection of exotic pets.
" How funky! "Each summer, Jubal would travel to Huger Manor with his entire library of African erotica, two Bengal tigers, three Great Danes, a parakeet and over two dozen slaves.
" I am sorry? "Although slavery was outlawed in the North by 1827, Huger went to great measures to disguise his caravan of African slaves.
" What? What is a? Like, a minivan? What is that? It's a group of people traveling together.
In this case, black.
African-American, Jessica.
- You know, against their will.
- Sheesh! You know, honey, when we heard the news about the ruling, I looked over at your father, and there were tears just streaming down his face.
Fuck.
Fuck! God damn it! It is not working.
- Mine doesn't work.
- Mine doesn't work.
If that one doesn't work, and this one doesn't work - Light it off mine.
- OK.
Oh, there you go.
That is OK.
That is OK.
Don't forget about me over here.
I need mine, too.
Here you go.
- You suck it in.
- OK, yeah.
We used to do this.
You got to suck it in while she does it.
- Oh, my God! - Oh, Jesus fucking - It will be fine.
- It is OK.
- That burned! - Relax.
Oh, God.
Now I am awake.
You know that feeling when you are in an amazing service and you walk out those front church doors, and the sun hits your skin, and you feel so full of the Holy Spirit? The next thing you know, you are in the front seat of your car, and you are passing back Capri Suns, you know? And the tubes with the cheese The pretzel tubes with the pizza cheese up in the center.
- Yeah, I know them.
- Oh, yeah.
I know what those are.
- Oh, I lost it.
- OK.
You got it, baby.
I can see the words right in front of my face, hovering there, and I am reaching, and I just cannot get them.
- What are those - Combos.
- Combos, yes.
- Combos, that is what it is.
You are passing back the Combos, you know, and you start to get that sinking feeling, because you know that for the rest of the week, you are going to be wondering where the fuck Jesus Christ went.
Right? Please welcome Vicky with a V! How y'all doing tonight? Guess who is in town this week? Who? The mother-in-law.
Before she leaves, she will have done three things.
One, criticize my cooking.
Two, use a racial slur.
Third, taped over one of my favorite soaps.
Bye, bitch! Bye, Mom! My husband and I were going to dinner.
I was feeling chilly.
I was just wearing a halter.
I said, "Honey, I am going to run inside and grab my denim.
" He said, "Honey, we don't have time.
I made reservations at Maggiano's at 7:30.
It is 7:15.
It's gonna take 25 minutes to get there.
Gonna put us 10 minutes late.
" I said, "Honey, it's gonna take me one minute to run inside and grab my denim.
What's one more minute mean to the people at Maggiano's?" "Honey, I am serious.
Get in the car.
" I said, "Honey, I am serious.
" "I am looking for my denim.
" You know that feeling when it is three in the morning, kids, husband asleep and you walk downstairs and you start pawing through your kids' Halloween candy? And you eat the It is three packets of flavored sugar, and there is a stick.
Oh, wait.
Yes, I know.
I know what that is.
You dip in it.
No, no.
Oh, I know what this is.
It is right on the tip of my tongue.
I mean, I can taste it.
If it is on the tip of your tongue, go one step further, and it should be there.
Oh - She's almost got it.
- I know you got it.
I don't have it.
Oh, wait No, no, no.
I remember now.
- Fun Dip.
- Fun Dip, yeah.
I would have had it, too, if you hadn't You eat the whole thing, stick included.
You start doing circles in your kitchen.
And you are crying and crying, but it is not a bad cry.
It is not a bad cry, it is an energized cry.
And then pass out on the couch.
That is how I feel right now, y'all.
Y'all know not to cross me when I am what? Looking for my denim! I ran inside, tore up the house looking for my denim.
My daughter said, "Mommy, why are you acting crazy?" "Because I can't find my denim.
" "I don't like it when you are looking.
" "It's not my job for you to like me now, it's my job to find my denim.
Your job is to help me find my denim.
Get on your knees and look under the couch.
" Do not cross my Christian ass if I am what? Looking for my denim! We are selling denim shirts out front.
Thank you so much.
You have been so great! Honey, what's wrong? Not more than two hours ago, I was on top of the world.
I was on top of the world.
Me and three of my girlfriends went on the Sex and the City bus tour.
Yeah.
We dressed up as our favorite characters.
I was Miranda.
Kind of by process of elimination.
- Oh, honey.
- I am sorry.
At the end of the tour, we pull up to the front steps of Carrie's apartment.
Oh, I just got chills.
Oh, I had chills, from the Keds on my feet to the banana clip in my hair.
But I looked out that window, and I thought "What if I lived here?" You know? "What if I was single?" You know? "What if, God strike me down, I didn't have kids?" But I felt this real sharp pain in my forearm.
This real intense but alive pain.
And I look down I had been carving into my arm with one of my acrylics.
And I looked down, and I had written "I am the Carrie.
" I am the Carrie.
OK, you absolutely cannot smoke in here.
John? Girl, what are you doing in the kitchen? He just came in here and started chopping vegetables.
Like, grabbed the knife out of my hand.
I don't really know.
I just wanted to get a little break.
We are fine.
This is a very small party.
I wouldn't necessarily call it small.
Jocelyn and Tommy are actors.
- Hi.
- Cool.
Jocelyn, are you in any unions? - SAG-AFTRA.
- SAG-AFTRA? Actors' Equity? - SAG-AFTRA.
- SAG-AFTRA? OK.
Before or after the merger? - After.
- After? What I love about unions is that they ensure that you get breaks, so if you have a ten-hour day Jesus! Are you OK? Oh, my God.
Yeah, yeah.
Whatever.
Go, go.
Have a drink.
I am fine.
Get loose.
It is your party, too, OK? - What? - Have fun! Go, go.
Go.
Don't make me say it twice.
Since when do you cook, honey? I took a night-class school.
Oh, wow! John, what is going on? What do you mean, "What is going on?" This is going on, that is going on, my new friends Tommy and Jocelyn have got it going on.
Change is going on in the ruling.
OK.
I am just I am worried about you, because it is your big day.
I want you to shine.
Cole I need you to go upstairs and do what you do, OK? So make a joke about fucking Kathy Najimy, Christine Baranski, or whatever the fuck.
As I stand here contemplating On the right thing to decide Will I take the wrong direction All my life? Where will I go? What lies ahead of me? I have strong determination And I'm not afraid of change I have yet to find that someone Who would care to satisfy me To stay right by me Oh, who can I run to? To share this empty space? Nicole? Hi! Sorry.
What are you doing? I am just giving these fine people some smooth jams! That's so great, but you know I actually curated a playlist, because I sent it in a group email.
Who can I run to? Who can Who can I run to To share this empty space Who can I run to when I need love? Oh, who can I run to To fill this empty space With laughter? Who can I run to When I need love? Oh! - Oh, shit! - What the fuck? John! Hey.
Look, I just wanted to say, I think it is really cool what you did back there.
Those guys were jerks, and she couldn't defend herself.
I mean, how could she? She is blind.
And I know it might sound crazy that I just came here in the pouring rain, just to tell you that, but the point is that I am here, and you are here.
We are both here.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.
Oh, just stay in the scene.
Yeah.
So, we are going to go again.
It just seems like something is not really quite landing, and I think it is a slight physical adjustment.
So, possibly, I will have you just drop your shoulders a little.
Yeah, all the way.
So, yeah, just normal.
There we go.
And maybe we don't squint.
You know, we open our eyes.
We don't rely on squinting as acting, you know? - Sure.
- OK.
So, we're going to do it again.
You can just take it from "And this might seem crazy.
" All right? Whenever you are ready.
I know it might seem crazy, but Hey, buddy.
How is it going? So there is sort of this big element missing, and it is pretty clear at this point that the element is you.
- Are you cold? - No.
Awesome.
Then let's not do this shivering.
- OK.
- All right? And let's do it again.
Let's drop our shoulders.
And maybe if we do less cuff work, because, as you can see, those are essentially shredded.
So awesome.
We are going to do it again, this time from the top.
All right.
- Whenever you are ready.
- Yeah.
Hey.
I just wanted to say, I think it is really cool what you did back there.
Those guys were jerks.
And she couldn't defend herself.
I mean, how could she? She is Jewish.
I mean, she is blind! - Riley? - Yeah? - Do we need to take a break? - No, Mom.
- Do you need some water? - No, Mom.
Do I need to get out my hairbrush and brush you God damn calm, to calm you down like when you were seven? No, Mom.
Then get tough! Hey.
I just wanted to say, I think it is really cool what you did back there.
Those guys were jerks.
She couldn't defend herself.
I mean, how could she? She is blind.
I know it might sound crazy that I came here in the pouring rain just to tell you that, but the point is that I am here, and you are here.
We are both here.
I thought it was tight.
Settle down.
I am sorry.
Why is this hard? You know? You are a performer, John.
Maybe, when it is more real, it is harder to perform.
So, wow! It is so nice to be here with some of my closest friends.
Truly, thank you, from me, from Mahan and our parents.
I am sorry, my parents.
New York is my home.
And sometimes, you know, L.
A.
I do go back-and-forth for business.
But I never feel more at home than when I'm upstate.
I mean, look around.
Look around.
You will notice the decor is .
.
spontaneous, random, it all came together.
It is organic.
Kind of like how we all came together.
Does that ring a bell? When I came to New York City with a dream and a suitcase I didn't even know I was gay.
Are you OK? And then I met Mahan.
And that changed for me.
Sorry.
Mahan and I made a promise that we would not get married until everyone in this glorious, and I am not afraid to say it, fucked-up nation, could.
Oh, sorry.
Did you have white or red? Jos, Jos, sit down.
Caroline has got it.
Yeah, no harm.
Smile.
Thank you, Caroline.
You know, and here we are, post-ruling, and I am so thrilled.
So thrilled! I am beyond thrilled to share this moment with all the little boys and girls across this nation, who are going, "Why does that feel funny? What is that movement down there?" You know? I remember being in middle school, being young.
I remember looking at my teachers, male teachers, you know, with their khaki pants and their dicks swinging, you know? Thinking, "I want that.
That is what I want.
" And you experiment.
You experiment.
I remember being young and playing doctor.
You know, kids play doctor.
And, I mean, I remember, like, Mom, you walking in on some very compromising situations.
- I don't remember - It is fine.
Shh! There were times like that where it got really serious.
"Did I just lose my virginity? I am seven.
" I don't know.
And I buried that feeling.
As deep as I can, you know? I'm sorry, Mama You better believe it has come up, and now its ugly head is rip-roaring out of my soul.
And it is saying, "I love you, Mahan.
" But now I stand before you guys fully gay.
And Mahan, to my right, y'all's left is also fully gay.
And we are, surprise, surprise gay together.
Janna! I am sorry! I am sorry.
I am sorry.
Do you want to share with the class what you said just now? All I am saying is So why would she pour, unless you had sipped during the toast? For those of you who have full glasses let's raise them up.
- Here we go.
- Here we go! Here we go.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Excuse me.
John is many things to me.
He is a friend.
He is my fiancé.
He is He is so funny.
A comedian.
And actor.
A comedian and actor.
And And now he will be my husband.
I never felt I would be able to say that about anyone.
And I hated that part of me.
so much.
And it was always painful.
But right now, with you guys here it is so beautiful.
And for the first time in my life, I feel free.
Oh, my God.
- What is wrong? - Oh, no.
Nothing.
Keep going.
Are you hot? Are you hot? - I am fine.
- I am feeling hot.
If you are fine, good.
That is all I care about.
When we first met, it was like in a movie.
I had never, before that, felt - Oh, my God! - Oh! - OK, let's get you some food.
- Something is wrong.
Yeah.
Just take some bread.
- Thanks so much.
- There you go.
Everyone, it's fine.
That food's gonna help.
Oh, my God.
Is that What is the Ethiopian flatbread you communally share and pass round? Oh, my God! - Oh, my God.
- John? - How long was I out? - You weren't.
I was in a full dream state for three seconds, Dad.
- John, I think - I am fine.
- Oh, God! - OK, yeah.
- Is there a place he can lay down? - Yeah, in my manager's office.
No, no, no.
Guys, sorry.
No.
You guys, don't worry about it.
Have the night off.
You've been working all day.
Oh, my God! This is embarrassing.
Oh, my God! No, no.
I am fine.
I am fine.
I do need I probably Whoa! OK, I love you all.
I am going to call 911! Here, have some water! John! John! I need you to wake up, OK? John! John! John! John, no! Wake up! No! Oh, my God! No! John! John! Johnny! John! Come on, wake up! Come on! As I stand here contemplating On the right thing to decide Will I take the wrong direction All my life? Where will I go? What lies ahead of me? I have strong determination And I'm not afraid of change I have yet to find that someone Who would care to satisfy me To stay right by me Oh, who can I run to? Who can I run to To share this empty space? Tell me, who can I run to When I need love? Who can I run to? Who can I run to To fill this empty space with laughter? Who can I run to When I need love? In my mind it's so confusing Who will be that special one? Every day I'm trying to find you On the run I've got to know Is there a place for me? I know love has many meanings And a message very clear All it takes is time and patience To bring it near But who has got me Tell me, who can I run to? Who can I run to To share this empty space? Who can I run to when I need love? Who can I run to To fill this empty space with laughter? Who can I run to When I need love? Nicole! Tell me Who can I run to? When I need love Tell me Who can I run to? When I need love I want to know Who I can run to I need love Ave Maria Gratia plena Maria Gratia plena Maria Gratia plena Ave Ave, ave dominus Dominus tecum Benedicta tu in muli eribus Et benedictus Et benedictus fructus ventris Oh, yeah! Ventris tuae Jesus Ave Maria Yeah! I think we got it.