Netflix Presents: The Characters (2016) s01e03 Episode Script

1 [piano music playing.]
Came up for air, safe from down there Where the devils can dance Away from the glare He spared me the time I forgot all my lines There's too many worlds In this head of mine So far, so so, you play it down again I'm all out of sympathy to lend Of all the things you've been You've never been a friend Yeah, man, I don't know what happened.
I guess A-to-Z Fever didn't carry over to the stage medieval musical.
Nobody cares about a 13-episode series that was canceled almost two years ago.
What the fuck is that about? So many immigrant couples around here.
I can't stand it.
All right.
All right, well, I'll see you in L.
A.
Lamb gyro, make it snappy.
White sauce or red sauce? How about a little less talkie-talkie and more of the sweating into my food and giving it to me? Thanks.
I am sorry, Mr.
Gaffigan.
My husband is really nervous.
- Would you sign something? - Mr.
Gaffigan, I am a huge fan.
I love you.
I need to see more of you, out there on that screen and on that stage.
Can you please sign this, please, Mr.
Gaffigan? Give me 75 bucks.
Of course I have money.
Here.
All we have is $65.
All you have is $65? That is all we have.
That sucks for you.
OK.
Number one, get a better job so you can make more money, like being an international stand-up sensation like Jim Gaffigan.
Number two, wear better shoes before talking to a celebrity.
And number fucking eight I am not Jim Gaffigan.
Oh, shit! - Who is Henry Zebrowski? - That is me.
Now, you take this and fuck it in the bucket! Go fuck yourself! [yells.]
Get out of here, you whores! I just don't get it.
I am like, way better looking than Jim Gaffigan.
You got one fucking bad thing to say about Jim Gaffigan, dude, I will take these two greasy mitts up your dick hole, into your fucking ball bags.
I will pull out your cums, throw them in the garbage so you can't have fat, stinky kids, you fucking piece of shit.
Weird, because I would just invite me to tea or take me out to brunch.
I tell you, I will give you dick-suck job so hard you will shoot for nine Wednesdays, bro.
And you are like, "Oh, I am so gay! I fucking can't believe it!" - Then I bite your dick-piece off.
- You want to go? - Yeah! - You want to go? - You want to go? - You want to make a mess? Let's go! I will make you suck your own dick, and jerk off watching you! - Why don't we do this? - You want to do it? - Let's ramble.
Let's go.
- You want to go? I'm sick of staying! I trained for two months to be a Special Olympics boxer for a Lifetime Movie that did not air.
Do you have any idea how many gallons of ice cream I had to eat to train for that? - 22.
- Wow! Yeah.
You know, I remember, before my thumb was hit by train, I was taking a basket of bullets to the Generalissimo of Barbishidad, where I am from.
It is a place riddled with butt sweat.
The only thing that made him smile was the clever food humor of Jim Gaffigan.
My whole family was tea-bagged to death.
But, you know, in lighter news, my dog was elected mayor.
He served four terms.
He legalized weed, dude.
We had free legal weed everywhere, bro! But women could not speak.
I could make a mountain out of the shit I don't give.
Lamb gyro, $7.
99.
Thanks so much.
Here's a tip, stop being brown.
Watch out, dude! [horn blaring.]
Where am I? I will call my manager.
[yells.]
Ken! Ken! Where is my manager whistle? You are in the Realm of Mystery, bro.
It is me, Jamji.
Is that a squid sucking your dick? Oh, yeah, dude.
That is my girlfriend.
Yeah.
At least, I think it is a chick.
It could be a man.
I don't really know.
[grunts.]
[cries out.]
[squid.]
Thank you! Welcome to the afterlife, you fuck! I am not dead, all right? So go fuck.
You are big-time fucking dead.
Yeah.
You were acting like a dickhead, and then you got hit by a bus.
You exploded like a garbage bag full of runny shit, dude.
I don't have all day.
I got an audition to play the Booger in the new Mucinex movie.
It is a villain, which is sort of against my brand.
I am more of a pretty-boy good guy.
Can you tell? Like Bradley Cooper meets Pee-wee Herman.
So let's get this going.
This is your problem, worrying about the next thing.
You never want to stop and smell the cum on the roses.
Is that squid sucking your dick again? [slurping noises.]
No, it is its ass.
It is ass-fucking itself against me, like Rihanna.
I don't know.
I love her, though.
Or him.
Either way, we are great.
I am viciously nauseous.
Sarah or Bill, there is no time for this, OK? [squid makes fart noise.]
[moans.]
Now, we are going to take a trip through your past lives and examine Who gives a shit? Good.
We begin at the dawn of time.
[dinosaur squawking.]
[dinosaurs roaring.]
So what are your aspirations? What are your dreams? Where did you study rock-tool making? Was it out of town? - I am curious.
- Do you know Samantha? She is, like, super mean, isn't she? Well, if she is mean to you, then I disagree with Samantha.
She is wrong.
You are right.
You know, she insinuates that I don't gather enough.
That is a shame.
She is crazy.
- I gather my ass off! - She is crazy.
You are sane.
Yeah, she is trying to destroy you.
Yeah.
Maybe we can ask a question about me, though like, one time.
You know? Like, "What does Grog think about the new President of the Wolf Clan?" Or, "How many star shapes can Grog see?" You know what? Like I couldn't beat her ass, you know? Like I wouldn't! You know, my favorite thing is listening and supporting.
But maybe we could skip just to the mating part of the ritual, and we can do the mating, and then I can listen and support for as many moons as you can speak.
Grog, did you think this was a date? We are by the Mating Rock.
Oh, no.
This is this is the Listening Rock now.
When did it change? When all the men died.
That is where I am going to correct you, because all but one of the men died.
Grog still lives.
You know, when all the men went to go fight the sabre-tooths in the Sabre-Tooth Tiger War, Grog was here, inventing pies.
I mean, we are 13 years old, Logdar.
We need to start thinking about having a family.
Look, Grog you are really nice.
Sexy.
- And friendly.
- Tantalizing.
- And - Mysterious.
Friendship! But I can't see us having sex, because I don't want to ruin what I have with you.
I just don't think it is a want-to thing, I think it is a have-to thing.
- Oh, so you think I owe you sex now? - You are twisting Grog's words.
We decided, as a group, that we are just going to let the human race die out.
I just can't help but think there are other ways.
It is going to be cool.
Right? You will see.
But Bye, Grog.
[shouts.]
Fuck this! Hey, Lauren.
Are you up? I caught a sabre-tooth tiger for you today.
Does that make you horny for it? [Glog moans in high-pitched voice.]
[imitates female.]
Yeah, it does! I need you! I need your body! [Glog talks normally.]
All right.
Here comes the Meat Man all the way from Steak World.
- Did you miss me? - [imitates female.]
I missed you a lot.
I love your little wooden figurines.
They are so intricate.
[talks normally.]
Thanks.
You know a lot of people don't realize how much work goes into that.
That means a lot.
[Glog imitates female.]
Do me! [talks normally.]
I love your body.
[imitates female.]
I love your hands on my body! [giggles.]
What are you doing? [laughs deeply.]
[talks normally.]
I love to make you kiss your own titty.
[makes kissing noises.]
[imitates female.]
I kiss my titty! [talks normally.]
You know, Lauren, I have been thinking a lot, and I really like you.
[imitates female.]
You don't have to court me.
This is just a fantasy.
- You could get to having sex with me.
- [talks normally.]
Now you are rushing me! And it is like, do I not come here to also connect? It is just sex? [imitates female.]
Yes! It is literally just sex! You made me with your own hands.
[talks normally.]
I am going to leave! I am going to go! All right? [imitates female.]
No, wait.
You know what? I have been insensitive.
And I should listen to your stories and how you are feeling.
[talks normally.]
Thank you.
Now I am super horny.
[imitates female.]
Let's get it on! [talks normally.]
All right.
Oh, yeah! You have got a body for days! I can't find that hole.
[grunts.]
I can't find a hole.
[grunts.]
[imitates female.]
I need your dick thrusting raw up in my guts! [talks normally.]
I'm feeling the burn! [groans.]
Oh, I am really feeling the burn! [whimpers.]
My dick is on fire! I have got to finish, though! I am locked into the rhythm! I am locked into the rhythm! [groans.]
Mon capitan! Goosh! Here comes the goosh! [grunts.]
Oh, hell yeah! I am a caveman, son! That's some good graphics in that shit, man! Was that the PS9? Dude, you are supposed to be learning a very serious lesson Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tell me, all right, is there a world in there where everybody is dinosaurs? Oh, wait! Is there a world where everyone is the googly-eyed paper clip guy from Microsoft Help? You are fucking with me.
Oh, how about a world where everybody is Indian, and everything is written in Indian, and then people just eat nothing but Indian food? - Is there something like that? - You mean fucking India? The country of India that you could just go to? Listen, bro.
I started today at like a gyarsh, you know? Then your general attitude has got me at, like, a schnarsh.
OK? And you do not want to see my fucking actions when I get up to a kyark! OK, bro? Thank you, Lisa.
Come, let us gaze upon the book with your prick nose and your shit eyes.
[man coughing.]
[man wheezing.]
[rasps.]
Do not weep for me.
For I will be joining my father in the Kingdom of Heaven! Hey! Hey! Hey! What are you in for? Who, me? Yeah.
I am Jesus King of the Jews.
- Anyway - You shouldn't say shit like that.
They hate when you say fake shit like that.
It riles up these greasy Italians.
[rasps.]
Do you mind, while I talk to my family, my lover, and my mother, and my father? My bad, y'all.
I hope y'all can connect and that you guys have a good last final talk and y'all.
And I am sorry, y'all.
It has just been really hard, making friends up here at the cross gallows.
So I will stand at the right hand of my father.
Man, that crown of thorns you've got looks like it sucks! - Sorry, I am just uncomfortable.
- I am in the middle of something.
I know I am supposed to be here until I'm dead, but it is like, how long is it going to be? I get it! Come and let me off this thing! You know? But I am just, like, crazy itchy right now.
- Near my nipples.
- [sighs.]
Nipples? - My feet hurt.
- Oh, your feet? - My wrists hurt.
- Oh, not the wrists! My butt just keeps, like, rubbing on this wrong, and my nipple is itchy, and my lips are dehydrated.
And my tummy is all grumbly, because I haven't eaten in three hours! We are going to leave now, Jesus.
[shouts.]
No! No, wait! Oh, are they ditching you? I know how that shit is.
Don't worry about it.
I will hang out! [laughs.]
[cries.]
I am the funniest one of my friends.
Yeah, it is like, I am the funny one.
My friend Bradley is like the leader of the group because he is blond.
My other friend Bradley is more like the accountant, because he is Jewish.
You know? - But I am the funny one.
- Please, Father.
You know, if you need a quip, I will deliver it.
- If you need a skit - No! I will put on a wig.
I will embarrass myself like an idiot, like some dumb comedian.
Anybody can do it.
- It is easy.
- Are you still talking? I just think people don't enjoy life enough, so sometimes I like to make up songs.
[whispers.]
What did I do? One of the songs I like to sing I like to call "The Waiting Song.
" Will he sing the waiting song? Yes, he will sing the waiting song I just want to die.
A one, and a two And a one, two, three, four This is the Waiting Song He can wait all day long When he's singing the Waiting Song Wait, wait, waiting all day long When you're singing the Waiting Song Bang my ass against that cross Waiting Song And you're gonna wait [inaudible.]
You're gonna wait [whispers.]
You're gonna wait Oh, the silent part is for trombones.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait Jesus? [heavenly music.]
Jesus? Jesus? OK, I get it.
You are sleeping to ignore me.
Oh, that is a fun-looking rock.
So I was black? Yes! No! You were the asshole next to Jesus! You were standing next to Jesus Christ, the Light of Bethlehem, bro.
You could have asked him anything, but instead, you complained all day long.
You need to start living in the moment.
Hey, now.
I live in the moment all the time.
Do you remember that time I Ubered from L.
A.
to Las Vegas? - That was way last-minute.
- Oh, dude, so cool! Very Entourage.
You know, Jeremy Piven is fucking bald, right? His whole life is a fucking lie.
You are an asshole.
So you mean to tell me that that whiny guy was me? Yeah, dude.
And not much else has changed.
[ominous droning music playing.]
Where the fuck is this guy? [Peppers.]
Are you guys waiting on a pilot? [pants.]
I am sorry! [heaves.]
[gasps.]
I am sorry.
I have had a bit of a rough start this morning.
I fell asleep in a swamp.
Let me tell you a little about me.
My name is Peppers Cheddar, right? Peppers, after the peppers I keep in my pockets to keep my dick from being sucked by mummies in the night.
And Cheddar because it is a cheese thing.
I have been a rock 'n' roll pilot for six and a half minutes.
My whole family died of sadness, and I know for a goddamn fact that the pyramids were built by aliens.
Buddy Holly, I got to say, I love the jittery music you stole from black people.
Big Bopper? Change nothing.
You are the best of the fat singers.
Fats Domino, Fats Checkers, Fats Shoots And Ladders.
Each one of them only lived to the age of 24 and produced one single about a dance move that only fat people can do.
- And you must be the cook? - I am Ritchie Valens.
I will have a burrito and two huevos rancheros, pronto! One thing, though.
The air up there it is pretty rough.
All right? I am not going to lie to you.
I hate sugar-coating shit, all right? So rough.
That wind's gonna suck on your pussies so hard it will turn them into dicks.
But don't worry.
This is gonna be known as the day the music was flown and landed safely in a Fargo, North Dakota airport.
Let's fly a plane.
[explosion.]
I remember now.
I was flying the plane.
Buddy Holly was screaming his guts out, and Big Bopper was laughing the whole time.
And the cook, he was brave, but he did not complete his job.
I am hungry.
So that is my review of my personal plane crash.
[whoops.]
Shit! Where the fuck is this guy? [Peppers.]
Hold that plane! Don't let the singer fly the plane! [pants.]
I am coming! Sorry! I thought there was a snake in front of the door.
It was a rope.
[Peppers exhales.]
[Peppers chuckles.]
You know, I got a really good feeling about this.
- Cool, man.
- All right.
Flying a plane.
We got this.
Onto Tucson! [explosion.]
- Did Ronnie live? - [reporter.]
No.
- Did that hot piece Cassie live? - [reporter.]
She did not.
- Did Stevie live? - [reporter.]
I am afraid not.
You mean to tell me only the shitty ones lived? - [reporter.]
Do you recall - Skynyrd is over.
I don't know, fellas.
I am just nervous and I am scared.
I had a dream that we were inside a plane.
The plane was like, [deep voice.]
"We all gonna die!" [yells.]
Get away from me, mummy! I'm not gay! [Peppers grunts.]
Man, I am sorry.
Yeah, I must have set my alarm for [alarm ringing.]
Things are fine.
Aaliyah, you remind me of my daughter.
Sadly, we lost her in a plane crash.
Anyway, let's figure out how to get this 30-ton structure somehow off the ground and into the sky.
America, I want to say this is the last time I am going to kill a beloved celebrity in a plane crash.
I swear it.
Today.
Got to sober it up.
And I am going to make it my beeswax to take one of these flying-an-airplane lessons before I step back into a plane.
They are not like cars.
Don't believe them when they say that planes are like cars.
They are more like sky boats.
[yells.]
God damn it, man! - You killed Aaliyah, dude! - I am sorry! - She was a flower, bro! - And you think I don't know that? I had a whole series of pictures of her belly button up in my fucking high-school locker, dude.
Yeah, I had the same shit! I used to jerk off to her, man.
I used to jerk it until I squirted.
[groans.]
Oh, man! She was in my top three.
It was Aaliyah, it was Left Eye from TLC, and it was Right Eye from SWV.
[Jamji.]
Yes, yes, yes.
That is like me and my seven brothers.
We also used to take turns having sex with this old dead horse we found behind the Barbishidad dentist.
Dentist in Barbishidad is a mule that will kick you in the mouth.
We were definitely vibing for a second, but then you took a right turn.
Put your hand in the box.
No.
Put your hand in the box.
No.
You will do it.
See what is in the box.
I will not do it.
Because I have read the entire series of Dune, one through five, the original.
I have seen both Dune miniseries.
One better, I have seen Hellraiser.
I don't fuck with weird boxes.
You know, the thing is, I just wanted to see what would happen.
I know.
Me, too, kind of.
Fear is the mind-killer, dude.
Sand is weighty and a stone is heavy, but a fool's wrath is heavier than both.
It's Dune! Paul Atreides, he rides a sandworm Dune is the best desert-based sci-fi Paul Atreides, he drinks his own sweat The spice must flow And the spice must flow - Dune, man! - Dune is the fucking shit, dude.
Dune.
You know I am beginning to like you, Jamji.
Maybe if you spent more time getting to know people while you were alive, you would have gotten more out of life.
Hey, I get to know people all the time.
I got a lot of friends.
[squid.]
Hey, cowboy! You want sloppy seconds? It turns my stomach.
It is the slime on its teeth or something.
Not now, Sarah or Bill.
We need to change this man's life in front of your sexy tentacles.
[squid.]
Happy to do it, though.
Oh, this one is fucked! Oh, my balls! [sings.]
[shouts.]
[Jamji sings.]
Can I bring you an appetizer? I am sure he will be here any minute.
Just stuck in traffic.
Melissa! Hey! Wait! Wait! Hey, listen! I can explain! I can explain! - Excuse me.
- Sir, I have to ask you to leave! - I need to speak with Melissa! - Sir! Please just let me talk to Melissa for a second.
OK? - Please.
- I think he might be mentally ill.
Hey! Hey! Egg on my face! I can totally explain, Melissa.
I was in the parking lot, talking to a beloved family member on the phone.
It was my cousin Lisa, and she is doing OK.
And a man came up from behind me, and he hit me on the back of the head, and he picked up my phone, and he called up his friends, and his friends came.
It was a bunch of guys who looked like The Warriors, and then a fly girl, and then two guys dressed as police officers.
All right? I was like, "I am safe.
" It turned out they were not police officers.
Or they probably weren't, if you hear the rest of this story.
They beat on me, as a group, for several minutes.
I am not sure how long, because I am not a human fucking egg timer.
[shouts.]
So get off my back about it! [speaks calmly.]
I am sorry about this.
This is a high-tension moment for me.
And then I took my Red Bull hat that I had.
I threw on a Red Bull hat because I was in the bathroom, tripped on the bathroom rug, fell down, got a bunch of Vaseline in my hair.
I was like, "Give me my hat," and they're passing the hat back and forth.
Then they took my shirt, then they took my undershirt.
Then my commemorative Super Bowl rings that I was wearing to impress you here tonight.
And then they took my pants, and they took the cane that I use to walk jauntily about town with, which, if you knew me, is sort of my signature piece.
And then they left only this.
Just this sock.
And that is not the worst thing that happened to me today! Because they then started playing with my balls.
All right.
They played hand games with my balls, like African belt buckle, and "Have you met the Muffin Man?" and those are games I had heard of.
But then they played games they were making up, like crab meets dog.
Grammy's jammies.
Assault and the pepper.
And the worst game of all, which is called "Who tugs the hardest?" And I will tell you who won.
It was the last guy, because he was saving his energy and tugging on me like he was starting a lawnmower.
I am just beside myself at this point.
I was like, "Hey! Let's think about this for a second! We are in the middle of a parking lot of a fancy restaurant! Let's have a gentlemen's agreement that maybe we can put a pause in the middle of vigorously tugging on my balls!" But that didn't happen.
We can absolutely reschedule.
Let me tell you this, because that is not even the worst part.
OK.
During the act I became very hard for them.
OK, I am done.
Thank you.
Yes, I was incredibly, viciously hard.
It made a noise.
You could have tuned a ukulele to how hard my dick was.
It had like a blue energy around it.
It was harder than when I was trying to make a child with my ex-wife.
All right? I have never been that hard.
It was kind of life-changing.
But then they laughed at it.
All right? They laughed at it, they laughed at me, and then they left.
OK? [customer.]
His pubes are so red.
So let me just reintroduce myself to you.
Hi.
I am Patrick.
You had me at "hello.
" You are something special.
I haven't felt like this in a very long time.
My ex-wife Mary-Anne and I fell apart after an incident that happened to me that was pretty much identical to this very incident where a group of men beat me, stripped me, molested me until I was erect, and then left me without ejaculating.
And now that I think about it, it was the same group of men that did it.
But now that it has happened again, I feel like I have had a reset, and I feel like me again.
And my love I said it.
my love for you is so epic, and unstoppable, it is like a freight train ripping through the center of the goddamn moon.
I just feel like a I feel like a boy again! If you allow me I am doing it.
[customer.]
Oh, my God.
He is naked.
Will you marry me? This was supposed to be a business meeting.
Also, I am 100% a lesbian.
I told you that.
Thank you for your time.
[man.]
Heads up! - [woman.]
That guy is naked! - [man #2.]
Hey, fuck you! [man #3.]
Kiss my butt! [laughter.]
[car horns blaring.]
[jeering.]
[man #4.]
Hey, Gaffigan! [laughter.]
Hey, naked guy, did you just try to propose to the love of your life and it went out your ass piss? [laughter.]
- Why did you guys do this to me? - What did you say? What was that? Hey, I know you, man.
Oh, you are Patrick, man! We just got you hard in the parking lot and I took [laughter.]
You are hilarious, man! Thanks for the rings.
My girl is going to love them, man.
Kiss them.
Kiss them.
Kiss them, man.
[laughs.]
You kissed it, man! You kissed it, man! [woman speaks foreign language.]
You tell him, baby! Come back and see us sometime! [laughter.]
Hey, man.
Get up, man.
You can't stay here, man.
This is private prop I think he is dead.
Let's split.
So you mean to tell me that I didn't have one good life? [Jamji.]
Let me see.
There was one.
Oh, Riff Raff? Come on inside now.
Dinner is almost ready.
Mama, my feet belts don't work.
[chuckles.]
Mama! Mama! Mama! Look what I did! I sort of knew you could, Riff Raff.
Oh, no.
It is the Cyborg Police! - [Riff Raff.]
It's new friends.
- Riff Raff, no! Run away, baby! They are coming right now! [shouts.]
Baby, no! - Riff Raff! - [Riff Raff.]
You funny, Mama! [screams.]
Run, baby! Run! Oh, why? [Riff Raff's mom cries.]
[in slow motion.]
Oh, my God! - That was my good life? - Yes.
And now I will show you your next life if you do not change your ways.
No, Jamji! Change your ways! Don't make me see! Don't make me see how bad it is going to be! Change your ways! - No, Jamji! Don't do it! - Change your ways! [distorted.]
Change your ways! Change your ways! Change your ways! Change your ways! [Henry.]
Oh, my God! I am a pair of pants! [shouts.]
I am pants! Oh, my God! Being a pair of pants is a fate worse than death! That is right, dude.
If you don't get your shit all fixed up, you are going to end up as a shitty pair of pants that a fat man wears.
No, Jamji! No! I am a-scared! I am afeared, Jamji! Do you know what happens to Tiny Tim? He gets his arms fucking snapped.
- What? - In real life.
- No! - Do you know what disease Tiny Tim had? No, don't tell me! It is fucking AIDS.
Oh, my God.
Big-time fucking raging AIDS.
- From what? How? - His mother was a prostitute.
Yeah, he died like Freddie Mercury.
He turned into a human set of broken matches.
No, not Tiny Tim! I don't want to be like this! I can change! Let me do the Grinch shit! Let me be like the Grinch! Let me give you a little perspective from Jamji, OK? Do you mind if I drop my fucking racist, mystic fucking accent for a second? I think that is a good idea.
[in British accent.]
When I was much younger, I was on a plane.
And I was quite nervous.
And I turned to the man that was riding next to me, and I said, "Do you ever get nervous while taking a flight?" And what he said to me shook me to my very core.
He said, "You buy the ticket, you take the ride.
" And that calmed me greatly, because I knew what he meant was, you just need to enjoy being alive.
It is all just a ride, bro.
So I will go back to being a ridiculous asshole again.
[with original accent.]
Hey, dude! So now we got all this shit figured out, let's go to fucking Vegas! Yeah! [whoops.]
[in slow motion.]
Whoa! Watch out, dude! [Henry yells.]
[shouts.]
I am alive! And I am not pants! It is a Christmas miracle! Ma'am! Listen, I am sorry, Mother Mary.
I didn't mean to kill you in that plane crash.
I am I am sorry.
I am not pants any more, though! I forgive you? My shit is all better.
- Sir! Madam! - Oh, God! - Hey! No! - Get away from me! Don't be afeared of me.
I treated you wrongly in the past, but I want to apologize.
So here.
Buy that house that I am sure you guys need to live in.
And, here.
I want you to get as high as a dragon's nest in the fucking Alps.
You are the kindest, gentlest chubby celebrity since Louie Anderson, in the '80s! I will see you guys.
Jamji.
You have been my best friend, my spiritual guide, and my prescient lover, and I want to say thank you for everything.
White sauce or red sauce? Every day, Jamji, and every single day for the rest of my life.
Bro, I wouldn't do this every day, because this food is pretty fucking bad for you.
You should probably have a salad or an apple in there.
- Thank you for looking out for me.
- You did not listen to me.
Now I am going to do something that I always wanted to, but never had the guts to actually get there.
I am a pork-pie-hat guy now! Yeah! Can you see? Thanks, Jamji.
[groans.]
I am going to marry you, my Sarah or Bill.
Here comes your present! Somebody up there likes me.
I'm gonna be the perfect man Whenever you come calling I'm gonna run and take your hand You're gonna be the perfect man Whenever I'm calling I know you'll understand I'm gonna be the perfect man Whenever you're in trouble You know I'll lend a hand I'm gonna be the perfect man I've got another chance Now I'm gonna be the perfect man