Odd Mom Out (2015) s02e03 Episode Script
Humming It Up
1 So what is Miles doing for camp? Camp? You mean, like, next summer? I have no idea.
My kids are still sunburned from Labor Day.
Well, you better hurry.
There's only one spot left at Dalton Summer, and BJ is dying for Miles to go with him - for some reason.
- I'll look into it.
And what about Halloween? What is Miles going to be? Uh, either Luke Skywalker or a wad of gum.
He can't decide.
Well, BJ is going as Aaron Burr.
He is obsessed with "Hamilton.
" Oh, wow, that pistol looks really real.
- Yeah.
- But he hasn't seen it? Of course.
Twice.
Our whole family is obsessed.
That show changed my life.
I mean, didn't it change your life? Oh, my God, are you guys talking about "Hamilton"? - Yes.
- I've seen it four times, and every time I feel changed.
Like, I'm actually a different woman with a different family and a very different husband.
You know what I mean.
No, I haven't seen it.
- I'm sorry, what? - Not even once? I haven't seen it.
I haven't seen "Hamilton.
" - [all gasp.]
- You have to see it.
All: You have to see it.
You have to see it.
You have to see it.
You absolutely have to see it.
[rock music.]
Hey, yes, you know I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine What is the deal with "Hamilton"? People are apeshit.
- It's like "Frozen" for adults.
- I know.
I was shamed by a patient 'cause I hadn't seen it.
She had third-degree burns all over her body, but she felt really bad for me.
[laughs.]
Everyone's saying it's "life-changing.
" How? Does Alexander Hamilton climb off the stage and chow your box? [laughs.]
He must.
- I kinda wanna see it.
- Me too.
There was a day way back when I was gonna get tickets, and then I forgot, and then it blew up so I decided it must suck.
Totally, and now that it's impossible to get tickets, I'm 100% sure I'd hate it.
- In fact, I hate it already.
- Yeah, but what if we're missing out on quality entertainment because we think we're cooler than everyone else? Well, we are cooler than everyone else, but I do have some entertainment regrets.
Remember we skipped Nirvana at Irving Plaza? Well, I hate general admission and I thought we'd catch their next tour.
Sorry.
I blew off Pope Francis.
His first visit here was like the second coming.
Well, I am here to say, "Game of Thrones," not overhyped.
Then let's see "Hamilton" before it's "Disney on Ice.
" - Get out your wall calendar.
- [cell phone chimes.]
- [growls.]
- What? Elliot signed me up for this "Texts of Joy" thing.
One nauseatingly positive thought every day.
"Life isn't about finding yourself.
- It's about creating yourself.
" - Barf.
Is that from that "Joy Manifesto" hag? Yes.
Thank you, Brooke von Weber.
Right after she gave me her handbag at your break-fast, she gave Elliot that insipid book.
She giveth and she taketh away.
So just to recap our hype policy: "Hamilton," yes.
"Joy Manifesto," never.
Sorry, did I hear you talking about "Hamilton"? Isn't it life-changing? - Both: We haven't seen it.
- Oh.
We were just about to order tickets for the 2020s.
Too bad you'll miss Lin-Manuel Miranda.
Tonight's his last night.
He's leaving to work on his next opus about Spiro Agnew, I think.
Oh, well, there goes that.
We snoozed.
We losed.
Wait a minute, how did you get tickets? Oh, I'm friends with one of the actors.
Javier Munoz.
No? Well, he gets tickets to every show.
It's a long shot, but I can see if he hasn't already gotten rid of his tickets yet.
Oh, my God, you are Zeus from on high.
Okay, I'm writing my number, and here's my email, my mailing address, and my bank log-in just in case.
[laughs.]
Okay.
I love him.
Yeah, that's not happening.
If we want a real shot at this, I think we have to take to the streets.
Okay.
You take Facebook, I'll Instagram, and we'll both tweet to our 38 followers from college.
I really appreciate you putting up with everything my kid said, did, and smelt like back there.
I'm giving you a five-star rating.
It wasn't a problem, sir.
I you know what? I'll give you a five too.
Right, passengers get rated.
- Now, what do you rate them on? - Not much.
If they're nice enough I give them a five.
Oh.
Can I see what my rating is? Yeah, sure, I guess.
It's, uh, 4.
7.
That's good.
- 4.
7 out of 5? - Yeah.
So there's a driver who didn't give me a five? It's an average, Daddy.
It could be more than one.
[melancholy rock music.]
Daddy, come on.
We're going to be late.
And that is the dire state of the union on envelope clutch bags.
Thank you, ladies.
Nice work.
Now for some breaking news.
As you know from my vision boards, it's been my number one goal to get von Weber featured on BagBitch.
net.
So much better than BagBitch.
com.
Right? My computer's set to auto-buy her "Bag of the Week" every Monday.
Well, drum roll, please.
J'neece, I was hoping you could do something rhythmic.
- Okay, uh - Yeah.
[gasps.]
So tribal.
I scored a meeting with Ila Davingsly, the Bag Bitch herself, to pitch a von Weber bag to be "Bag of the Week.
" A personal meeting? She doesn't do that with emerging brands.
All I know is she is in town and she's squeezing me in between a shoot for "W" and a non-eating luncheon with Stella McCartney.
I'll call in your facialist and synergy coach.
- And I'll cancel your AKTE.
- Thanks.
The last time I had this much riding on a meeting was when Lex brought me home to meet Candace and Fielding.
I miss Fielding.
Oh! What about something in sharkskin for spring? [hip-hop music.]
I swear two different Instagram peeps said they got tickets at TKTS.
It's like reverse psychology.
It's the last place anyone would look.
Hi.
Any chance you have two tickets for "Hamilton" tonight? Preferably orchestra.
[laughs.]
[all laughing.]
This kid is insane, man.
Okay, okay, calm down, people.
We get it.
NFW! Elliot's saying he can help get us "Hamilton" tickets.
- Seriously? How? - I don't know.
Maybe one of his real estate clients has a connection.
Who cares? Let's go.
[rock music.]
Mrs.
von Weber, I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.
Unfortunately, another meeting ran long and Miss Davingsly won't be able to meet with you after all.
What? Not even for a few minutes? - Just to introduce myself? - I'm afraid not.
She's quite booked and already on her way out, but leave your sample here, I'll be sure she gets it.
[sighs.]
[elevator bell dings.]
[upbeat music.]
[grunts.]
[all groan.]
[breathing heavy.]
Miss Davingsly, if you're in here, I wouldn't normally do this, but I couldn't bear not meeting you while you were in town.
Everybody out.
You can take the stairs.
- [all mumbling.]
- Oh.
- All right.
- This is ridiculous.
How many floors is this? I said "out," Mom! - You have your inhaler, right? - Ugh! Just go! You have 20 floors to sell me on your bags.
Oh, I [laughs softly.]
First of all, it is such an honor to meet you, Miss Davingsly.
18, 17 We're not only a handbag line, we are a brand experience that conveys intention, confidence, - and subtle superiority.
- Price point? I believe a handbag should be accessible.
Mine start at 2,900.
Now, what can I do to get "The Shipley" to be "Bag of the Week?" I'm just a girl from Muncie, Indiana, and I told my mom that for my first trip here, I want the quintessential New York experience.
Walk across the Brooklyn Bridge, see "Hamilton," ride in a horse-drawn carriage through Central Park.
That's adorable.
And I want to do it all on molly.
I didn't tell my mom that part.
Molly? You mean the drug? The guy who was supposed to get it for me got stuck upstate in apple-picking traffic.
If you can deliver, "The Shipley" will be on BagBitch by Monday morning.
- Oh.
- [elevator bell dings.]
- Got it? - Got it.
[rock pop music.]
[rock music.]
- Elliot.
- Our "Hamilton" hero.
You officially never have to get me flowers.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
Let me find you a place to sit down.
No offense, but this'll just be a drive-by.
How much do we owe you for the tickets? What? No, I don't have the tickets.
I meant I can help you get them by doing a manifestation visualization.
[exhales sharply.]
You did not bring us here for a "Joy Manifesto" thing.
No.
Does it matter to you one iota that the "Joy Manifesto" helped me sell three apartments yesterday? And when I do positive visualizations, I never wait for the subway.
Not even the G train.
[laughing.]
That can't just be luck.
Oh, my God, he's serious.
A thousand apologies.
Wow.
You're so deeply negative.
With this attitude, I'm not sure you deserve to see "Hamilton.
" [laughs.]
Do you hear yourself? I'm sorry, I think Vanessa's just having a big reaction 'cause we're kind of under the gun time-wise, and we're in longshot-ville as it is.
Actually, Vanessa, I'd like to talk to you about something privately, if you don't mind.
Okay, I will be downstairs.
Thank you, anyway, Elliot.
[upbeat music.]
all: The wheels on Syed's Uber go round and round No, sir.
Which way do you want to go? All: Round and round Round and round I mean, not working has been eye-opening, actually, if a little tedious.
All: The wheels on Syed's Uber go round and round These brownies are made with applesauce instead of oil, by the way.
Promise you won't miss it.
all: All through the town A 4.
1? My score's gone down! How's that possible? Hey, I just realized I'm mutual Facebook friends with the actor who plays Rafiki in "The Lion King.
" Should I poke him? What's wrong? Elliot just dumped me.
Said he couldn't visualize a future with someone so negative.
What? He dumped you? [mimicking robot.]
Does not compute.
I mean, I wasn't in love with him or anything, but still, I'm just a little stunned.
Trust me, it's all for the best.
You don't need that kind of positive energy in your life.
Anyway, I have a better idea how we can get Hammy tickets.
Come on.
- [phone rings.]
- What makes you think Lex is gonna have "Hamilton" tickets? Hello, haven't you seen "Billions"? Hedge fund guys rule the world.
Jill E.
Beans! - Hey.
- And the friend! Vanessa.
You guys here for a tour of my roof hives? - Roof hives? - Did you know that bees play a crucial role in the environment? I call them my Hercu-bees.
Okay, I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
We're dying to see "Hamilton.
" Like, on life support about it.
You guys haven't seen "Hamilton" yet? I saw it twice last month.
It changed my life, but then the second time it changed back, so I'm going again.
Any chance you can help us get tix? Of course, I keep two spares on me at all times.
I nabbed these at a charity auction along with that portrait of Hercules Mulligan.
It'll make more sense after you see the show.
Lex, these tickets are for December.
- We have to go tonight.
- [exhales.]
It's LMM's last performance.
Tonight? KY-Jilly, no can do.
Have you tried a manifestation visualization? The "Joy Manifesto" is how I landed my last two deals.
[cell phone buzzes.]
Ernie, tell me we got that new jet.
- It is such an upgrade.
- Who are we not thinking of? Come on, this is the greatest city in the world.
- [bell rings.]
- Come on, come on, come on.
I know.
It's been so long.
Anyway, am I dreaming or did your mother have something to do with the "Hamilton" publicity? - No? - Well, I just loved your cover shot of Lin-Manuel Miranda for the "Times Magazine.
" - [bell dings.]
- I'm so, so sorry.
Well, that's an excellent hospital.
I did my residency there.
She's in good hands [mouthing.]
What? Everyone is pumping you for tickets? That is so ass-holic.
- I hate people.
- [bell dings.]
Right, but didn't you go to Hunter with Lin-Manuel Miranda? Wesleyan? SAT prep class? [growls.]
Andy's not related to Andrew Lloyd Webber, is he? - [cell phone ringing.]
- No, he's two Bs.
Hello? I'm sorry, who? No way! The waiter.
- Okay.
- Thanks anyway, talk soon.
Yes.
You are an actual god.
Start a religion, and I will convert.
Okay.
Javier whoever's accountant has food poisoning, and he said on Facebook he's giving the tickets to the first person that gets to his office.
Do you think we manifested his food poisoning? Shit on a stick! The four, five, and six cannot all be down.
All right, we gotta get an Uber.
You know how I feel about Uber.
That was one incident.
It was $145 from the High Line to my apartment.
I could have rented a helicopter for that.
It was New Year's Eve.
You have to understand how surge pricing works.
I'm calling one.
Shit! Andy must be using our account.
You keep the car so clean.
Smooth on the brake.
- [cell phone rings.]
- You're oh, uh, so sorry.
It's the wife.
You two would love each other.
Maybe double date next week.
- Hi, hon.
- Andy, I don't have time to explain, but you've got to get out of the Uber right now.
It's a pop culture emergency.
Jill, I can't.
Our Uber rating is down.
Way down.
I have to get it back up.
What? What happened? I don't know, but given the fact that you refuse to learn to drive, I'd suggest we do everything in our power to save this relationship.
Okay, fine, just fix it.
[gasps.]
Shit! Look! Someone else is heading for the tickets! Double shit! I accidentally liked it.
Okay, we gotta figure out another way to get downtown.
What are those yellow things we used to take? This is so retro.
Yeah, it's like being in a covered wagon.
Look at the meter, and the divider.
[sighs.]
A money slot thing.
- I remember these.
- Yeah, but I'd forgotten about the B.
O.
[gasps.]
Oh, no! Four more people are going after our tickets.
- [cell phone ringing.]
- Wait.
Ugh! [groans.]
Hey, Brooke, um, I can't talk right now.
We're desperately seeking "Hamilton" tickets.
Oh, yeah, J'neece told me you hadn't seen it.
I feel so empty for you.
Hey, do you want me to see if she could get you tickets? Why, does Janice have a "Hamilton" connection? Well, she's very plugged into hip-hop, but not drugs, unfortunately.
Do you know where one could score drugs? Um, 17 years ago people got them at Tompkins Square Park, - I think.
- You want me to go to da Bronx? Look at a map, Brooke.
Okay, bye.
[growls.]
One of our ticket cockblockers just posted that she's four blocks away, and running in sneakers! Oh, my God, on Prancer, on Dancer, on Blitzen! - [mimics whip cracking.]
- [car horn honks.]
We're not moving.
All right, on second thought, sir, I think we're just gonna get out.
Okay, thank you.
Jill, we have to pay! It's not Uber, we have to pay! Shit! I forgot about that.
What a hassle.
Okay.
Why are the buttons not responding? Am I not a human temperature? - Look, just - [gasps.]
It tipped $9,000! - Just go! - Okay, okay.
- I'll catch up.
- Okay.
[rock music.]
Run like the wind! [rock music.]
- We're here.
- Do you have the tickets? - You're too late.
- No! - [vomiting.]
- [both groaning and gagging.]
- Oh, my God.
- You're killing us! - [groans and vomits.]
- Feel better! [dramatic music.]
Molly? Molly? Molly? Molly, molly? Molly? Oh, molly? Excuse me, do you have any drugs I might buy? We're on a date.
And I'm a federal prosecutor.
Oh, just kidding.
Inside joke.
[laughs nervously.]
- [cell phone chimes.]
- [groans.]
Excuse me, sir, do you happen to know where I might find some illegal drugs? Not interested.
Lady, you're embarrassing yourself.
Follow me.
I got it all: Weed, speed, poppers, crank, crunk, the discontinued beverage Clearly Canadian, Lexapro, "Hamilton" tickets.
What'll it be? I'd like to buy a molly, please.
Or maybe more.
What's a teen dose? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't sell molly to kids.
I'm a drug dealer, not a criminal.
You're right.
Ila is just a child.
No pressure, but my theater company is in previews for "Chernow: Life of the Hamilton Biographer.
" [exhales.]
It's pay what you will.
I guess we'll never be satisfied.
Yeah, we'll have to wait for it.
So, should we do something else we always wanted to do, but never got around to? Like try pumpkin-spiced lattes? - I do always miss that window.
- [cell phone rings.]
[sighs.]
Brooke, hi.
I know you think I'm street, but the only drug that I can score for you is Advil.
Jill, I'm about to change your life.
I know how you can get "Hamilton" tickets for tonight.
Please tell me this is not a "Joy" manifestation.
It's not, but you do have to go to a very dangerous part of the ghetto.
Tell Jason I sent you.
[calming exotic music.]
[grunts.]
Ah! Honey, I hope you're on your way to "Hamilton" because I have some bad news.
We have been banned from Uber.
Please call me.
We can talk about how we're gonna get through this.
I love you.
[melancholy music.]
And I loved Uber.
Hurry, Ila, the horse and buggy guy said they get very busy after 5:00, and tie a sweater around your waist, please.
It's supposed to get cold.
I'm bringing my hand sanitizer, so there's no point bringing yours.
"Put von Weber on BagBitch.
net "or I'll tell your mom about your BFF molly.
"Welcome to New York.
XO B von W.
" Ugh! Bitch! I can't believe we pulled this off.
I can't believe Brooke was our hookup.
- [machine beeps.]
- I'm so excited.
I know.
We're swimming with the stream.
Why did we resist for so long? [machines beeps quickly.]
Ma'am, I'm afraid this ticket's not valid.
- What? - No! How could that drug dealer sell us a fake ticket? So unprofessional.
What do we do? You have to see it.
You must be out of your goddamn mind.
Ma'am, I need you to step to the side, please.
Really, go.
At least one of us should know what a "Hamilton"-gasm feels like.
I'll go home and binge-watch "Cheers.
" People used to love that, right? [sighs.]
Vaness, I feel so helpless.
[melancholy music.]
Enjoy it.
[quietly.]
No.
I cannot believe you gave up your "Hamilton" ticket.
I can.
It meant so much to that homeless guy.
Maybe it'll change his life.
Yeah, I don't need my life changed.
- I love my life.
- Ditto.
And "Hamilton" wasn't even a good president, right? Vanessa, he was Secretary of the Treasury.
Wait, he wasn't even president and he gets a whole musical? [laughs.]
I'll call for tickets tomorrow.
We'll see it when we're 50.
I'm sure Ricky Martin will make a great Hamilton.
[rock music.]
Javier Munoz.
No? This kid is insane, man.
We're on a date.
And I'm a federal prosecutor.
Excuse me, sir.
Ma'am, I need you to step to the side, please.
For more "Odd Mom Out," go to Bravotv.
com.
Oh, dear.
My kids are still sunburned from Labor Day.
Well, you better hurry.
There's only one spot left at Dalton Summer, and BJ is dying for Miles to go with him - for some reason.
- I'll look into it.
And what about Halloween? What is Miles going to be? Uh, either Luke Skywalker or a wad of gum.
He can't decide.
Well, BJ is going as Aaron Burr.
He is obsessed with "Hamilton.
" Oh, wow, that pistol looks really real.
- Yeah.
- But he hasn't seen it? Of course.
Twice.
Our whole family is obsessed.
That show changed my life.
I mean, didn't it change your life? Oh, my God, are you guys talking about "Hamilton"? - Yes.
- I've seen it four times, and every time I feel changed.
Like, I'm actually a different woman with a different family and a very different husband.
You know what I mean.
No, I haven't seen it.
- I'm sorry, what? - Not even once? I haven't seen it.
I haven't seen "Hamilton.
" - [all gasp.]
- You have to see it.
All: You have to see it.
You have to see it.
You have to see it.
You absolutely have to see it.
[rock music.]
Hey, yes, you know I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine What is the deal with "Hamilton"? People are apeshit.
- It's like "Frozen" for adults.
- I know.
I was shamed by a patient 'cause I hadn't seen it.
She had third-degree burns all over her body, but she felt really bad for me.
[laughs.]
Everyone's saying it's "life-changing.
" How? Does Alexander Hamilton climb off the stage and chow your box? [laughs.]
He must.
- I kinda wanna see it.
- Me too.
There was a day way back when I was gonna get tickets, and then I forgot, and then it blew up so I decided it must suck.
Totally, and now that it's impossible to get tickets, I'm 100% sure I'd hate it.
- In fact, I hate it already.
- Yeah, but what if we're missing out on quality entertainment because we think we're cooler than everyone else? Well, we are cooler than everyone else, but I do have some entertainment regrets.
Remember we skipped Nirvana at Irving Plaza? Well, I hate general admission and I thought we'd catch their next tour.
Sorry.
I blew off Pope Francis.
His first visit here was like the second coming.
Well, I am here to say, "Game of Thrones," not overhyped.
Then let's see "Hamilton" before it's "Disney on Ice.
" - Get out your wall calendar.
- [cell phone chimes.]
- [growls.]
- What? Elliot signed me up for this "Texts of Joy" thing.
One nauseatingly positive thought every day.
"Life isn't about finding yourself.
- It's about creating yourself.
" - Barf.
Is that from that "Joy Manifesto" hag? Yes.
Thank you, Brooke von Weber.
Right after she gave me her handbag at your break-fast, she gave Elliot that insipid book.
She giveth and she taketh away.
So just to recap our hype policy: "Hamilton," yes.
"Joy Manifesto," never.
Sorry, did I hear you talking about "Hamilton"? Isn't it life-changing? - Both: We haven't seen it.
- Oh.
We were just about to order tickets for the 2020s.
Too bad you'll miss Lin-Manuel Miranda.
Tonight's his last night.
He's leaving to work on his next opus about Spiro Agnew, I think.
Oh, well, there goes that.
We snoozed.
We losed.
Wait a minute, how did you get tickets? Oh, I'm friends with one of the actors.
Javier Munoz.
No? Well, he gets tickets to every show.
It's a long shot, but I can see if he hasn't already gotten rid of his tickets yet.
Oh, my God, you are Zeus from on high.
Okay, I'm writing my number, and here's my email, my mailing address, and my bank log-in just in case.
[laughs.]
Okay.
I love him.
Yeah, that's not happening.
If we want a real shot at this, I think we have to take to the streets.
Okay.
You take Facebook, I'll Instagram, and we'll both tweet to our 38 followers from college.
I really appreciate you putting up with everything my kid said, did, and smelt like back there.
I'm giving you a five-star rating.
It wasn't a problem, sir.
I you know what? I'll give you a five too.
Right, passengers get rated.
- Now, what do you rate them on? - Not much.
If they're nice enough I give them a five.
Oh.
Can I see what my rating is? Yeah, sure, I guess.
It's, uh, 4.
7.
That's good.
- 4.
7 out of 5? - Yeah.
So there's a driver who didn't give me a five? It's an average, Daddy.
It could be more than one.
[melancholy rock music.]
Daddy, come on.
We're going to be late.
And that is the dire state of the union on envelope clutch bags.
Thank you, ladies.
Nice work.
Now for some breaking news.
As you know from my vision boards, it's been my number one goal to get von Weber featured on BagBitch.
net.
So much better than BagBitch.
com.
Right? My computer's set to auto-buy her "Bag of the Week" every Monday.
Well, drum roll, please.
J'neece, I was hoping you could do something rhythmic.
- Okay, uh - Yeah.
[gasps.]
So tribal.
I scored a meeting with Ila Davingsly, the Bag Bitch herself, to pitch a von Weber bag to be "Bag of the Week.
" A personal meeting? She doesn't do that with emerging brands.
All I know is she is in town and she's squeezing me in between a shoot for "W" and a non-eating luncheon with Stella McCartney.
I'll call in your facialist and synergy coach.
- And I'll cancel your AKTE.
- Thanks.
The last time I had this much riding on a meeting was when Lex brought me home to meet Candace and Fielding.
I miss Fielding.
Oh! What about something in sharkskin for spring? [hip-hop music.]
I swear two different Instagram peeps said they got tickets at TKTS.
It's like reverse psychology.
It's the last place anyone would look.
Hi.
Any chance you have two tickets for "Hamilton" tonight? Preferably orchestra.
[laughs.]
[all laughing.]
This kid is insane, man.
Okay, okay, calm down, people.
We get it.
NFW! Elliot's saying he can help get us "Hamilton" tickets.
- Seriously? How? - I don't know.
Maybe one of his real estate clients has a connection.
Who cares? Let's go.
[rock music.]
Mrs.
von Weber, I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.
Unfortunately, another meeting ran long and Miss Davingsly won't be able to meet with you after all.
What? Not even for a few minutes? - Just to introduce myself? - I'm afraid not.
She's quite booked and already on her way out, but leave your sample here, I'll be sure she gets it.
[sighs.]
[elevator bell dings.]
[upbeat music.]
[grunts.]
[all groan.]
[breathing heavy.]
Miss Davingsly, if you're in here, I wouldn't normally do this, but I couldn't bear not meeting you while you were in town.
Everybody out.
You can take the stairs.
- [all mumbling.]
- Oh.
- All right.
- This is ridiculous.
How many floors is this? I said "out," Mom! - You have your inhaler, right? - Ugh! Just go! You have 20 floors to sell me on your bags.
Oh, I [laughs softly.]
First of all, it is such an honor to meet you, Miss Davingsly.
18, 17 We're not only a handbag line, we are a brand experience that conveys intention, confidence, - and subtle superiority.
- Price point? I believe a handbag should be accessible.
Mine start at 2,900.
Now, what can I do to get "The Shipley" to be "Bag of the Week?" I'm just a girl from Muncie, Indiana, and I told my mom that for my first trip here, I want the quintessential New York experience.
Walk across the Brooklyn Bridge, see "Hamilton," ride in a horse-drawn carriage through Central Park.
That's adorable.
And I want to do it all on molly.
I didn't tell my mom that part.
Molly? You mean the drug? The guy who was supposed to get it for me got stuck upstate in apple-picking traffic.
If you can deliver, "The Shipley" will be on BagBitch by Monday morning.
- Oh.
- [elevator bell dings.]
- Got it? - Got it.
[rock pop music.]
[rock music.]
- Elliot.
- Our "Hamilton" hero.
You officially never have to get me flowers.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
Let me find you a place to sit down.
No offense, but this'll just be a drive-by.
How much do we owe you for the tickets? What? No, I don't have the tickets.
I meant I can help you get them by doing a manifestation visualization.
[exhales sharply.]
You did not bring us here for a "Joy Manifesto" thing.
No.
Does it matter to you one iota that the "Joy Manifesto" helped me sell three apartments yesterday? And when I do positive visualizations, I never wait for the subway.
Not even the G train.
[laughing.]
That can't just be luck.
Oh, my God, he's serious.
A thousand apologies.
Wow.
You're so deeply negative.
With this attitude, I'm not sure you deserve to see "Hamilton.
" [laughs.]
Do you hear yourself? I'm sorry, I think Vanessa's just having a big reaction 'cause we're kind of under the gun time-wise, and we're in longshot-ville as it is.
Actually, Vanessa, I'd like to talk to you about something privately, if you don't mind.
Okay, I will be downstairs.
Thank you, anyway, Elliot.
[upbeat music.]
all: The wheels on Syed's Uber go round and round No, sir.
Which way do you want to go? All: Round and round Round and round I mean, not working has been eye-opening, actually, if a little tedious.
All: The wheels on Syed's Uber go round and round These brownies are made with applesauce instead of oil, by the way.
Promise you won't miss it.
all: All through the town A 4.
1? My score's gone down! How's that possible? Hey, I just realized I'm mutual Facebook friends with the actor who plays Rafiki in "The Lion King.
" Should I poke him? What's wrong? Elliot just dumped me.
Said he couldn't visualize a future with someone so negative.
What? He dumped you? [mimicking robot.]
Does not compute.
I mean, I wasn't in love with him or anything, but still, I'm just a little stunned.
Trust me, it's all for the best.
You don't need that kind of positive energy in your life.
Anyway, I have a better idea how we can get Hammy tickets.
Come on.
- [phone rings.]
- What makes you think Lex is gonna have "Hamilton" tickets? Hello, haven't you seen "Billions"? Hedge fund guys rule the world.
Jill E.
Beans! - Hey.
- And the friend! Vanessa.
You guys here for a tour of my roof hives? - Roof hives? - Did you know that bees play a crucial role in the environment? I call them my Hercu-bees.
Okay, I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
We're dying to see "Hamilton.
" Like, on life support about it.
You guys haven't seen "Hamilton" yet? I saw it twice last month.
It changed my life, but then the second time it changed back, so I'm going again.
Any chance you can help us get tix? Of course, I keep two spares on me at all times.
I nabbed these at a charity auction along with that portrait of Hercules Mulligan.
It'll make more sense after you see the show.
Lex, these tickets are for December.
- We have to go tonight.
- [exhales.]
It's LMM's last performance.
Tonight? KY-Jilly, no can do.
Have you tried a manifestation visualization? The "Joy Manifesto" is how I landed my last two deals.
[cell phone buzzes.]
Ernie, tell me we got that new jet.
- It is such an upgrade.
- Who are we not thinking of? Come on, this is the greatest city in the world.
- [bell rings.]
- Come on, come on, come on.
I know.
It's been so long.
Anyway, am I dreaming or did your mother have something to do with the "Hamilton" publicity? - No? - Well, I just loved your cover shot of Lin-Manuel Miranda for the "Times Magazine.
" - [bell dings.]
- I'm so, so sorry.
Well, that's an excellent hospital.
I did my residency there.
She's in good hands [mouthing.]
What? Everyone is pumping you for tickets? That is so ass-holic.
- I hate people.
- [bell dings.]
Right, but didn't you go to Hunter with Lin-Manuel Miranda? Wesleyan? SAT prep class? [growls.]
Andy's not related to Andrew Lloyd Webber, is he? - [cell phone ringing.]
- No, he's two Bs.
Hello? I'm sorry, who? No way! The waiter.
- Okay.
- Thanks anyway, talk soon.
Yes.
You are an actual god.
Start a religion, and I will convert.
Okay.
Javier whoever's accountant has food poisoning, and he said on Facebook he's giving the tickets to the first person that gets to his office.
Do you think we manifested his food poisoning? Shit on a stick! The four, five, and six cannot all be down.
All right, we gotta get an Uber.
You know how I feel about Uber.
That was one incident.
It was $145 from the High Line to my apartment.
I could have rented a helicopter for that.
It was New Year's Eve.
You have to understand how surge pricing works.
I'm calling one.
Shit! Andy must be using our account.
You keep the car so clean.
Smooth on the brake.
- [cell phone rings.]
- You're oh, uh, so sorry.
It's the wife.
You two would love each other.
Maybe double date next week.
- Hi, hon.
- Andy, I don't have time to explain, but you've got to get out of the Uber right now.
It's a pop culture emergency.
Jill, I can't.
Our Uber rating is down.
Way down.
I have to get it back up.
What? What happened? I don't know, but given the fact that you refuse to learn to drive, I'd suggest we do everything in our power to save this relationship.
Okay, fine, just fix it.
[gasps.]
Shit! Look! Someone else is heading for the tickets! Double shit! I accidentally liked it.
Okay, we gotta figure out another way to get downtown.
What are those yellow things we used to take? This is so retro.
Yeah, it's like being in a covered wagon.
Look at the meter, and the divider.
[sighs.]
A money slot thing.
- I remember these.
- Yeah, but I'd forgotten about the B.
O.
[gasps.]
Oh, no! Four more people are going after our tickets.
- [cell phone ringing.]
- Wait.
Ugh! [groans.]
Hey, Brooke, um, I can't talk right now.
We're desperately seeking "Hamilton" tickets.
Oh, yeah, J'neece told me you hadn't seen it.
I feel so empty for you.
Hey, do you want me to see if she could get you tickets? Why, does Janice have a "Hamilton" connection? Well, she's very plugged into hip-hop, but not drugs, unfortunately.
Do you know where one could score drugs? Um, 17 years ago people got them at Tompkins Square Park, - I think.
- You want me to go to da Bronx? Look at a map, Brooke.
Okay, bye.
[growls.]
One of our ticket cockblockers just posted that she's four blocks away, and running in sneakers! Oh, my God, on Prancer, on Dancer, on Blitzen! - [mimics whip cracking.]
- [car horn honks.]
We're not moving.
All right, on second thought, sir, I think we're just gonna get out.
Okay, thank you.
Jill, we have to pay! It's not Uber, we have to pay! Shit! I forgot about that.
What a hassle.
Okay.
Why are the buttons not responding? Am I not a human temperature? - Look, just - [gasps.]
It tipped $9,000! - Just go! - Okay, okay.
- I'll catch up.
- Okay.
[rock music.]
Run like the wind! [rock music.]
- We're here.
- Do you have the tickets? - You're too late.
- No! - [vomiting.]
- [both groaning and gagging.]
- Oh, my God.
- You're killing us! - [groans and vomits.]
- Feel better! [dramatic music.]
Molly? Molly? Molly? Molly, molly? Molly? Oh, molly? Excuse me, do you have any drugs I might buy? We're on a date.
And I'm a federal prosecutor.
Oh, just kidding.
Inside joke.
[laughs nervously.]
- [cell phone chimes.]
- [groans.]
Excuse me, sir, do you happen to know where I might find some illegal drugs? Not interested.
Lady, you're embarrassing yourself.
Follow me.
I got it all: Weed, speed, poppers, crank, crunk, the discontinued beverage Clearly Canadian, Lexapro, "Hamilton" tickets.
What'll it be? I'd like to buy a molly, please.
Or maybe more.
What's a teen dose? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't sell molly to kids.
I'm a drug dealer, not a criminal.
You're right.
Ila is just a child.
No pressure, but my theater company is in previews for "Chernow: Life of the Hamilton Biographer.
" [exhales.]
It's pay what you will.
I guess we'll never be satisfied.
Yeah, we'll have to wait for it.
So, should we do something else we always wanted to do, but never got around to? Like try pumpkin-spiced lattes? - I do always miss that window.
- [cell phone rings.]
[sighs.]
Brooke, hi.
I know you think I'm street, but the only drug that I can score for you is Advil.
Jill, I'm about to change your life.
I know how you can get "Hamilton" tickets for tonight.
Please tell me this is not a "Joy" manifestation.
It's not, but you do have to go to a very dangerous part of the ghetto.
Tell Jason I sent you.
[calming exotic music.]
[grunts.]
Ah! Honey, I hope you're on your way to "Hamilton" because I have some bad news.
We have been banned from Uber.
Please call me.
We can talk about how we're gonna get through this.
I love you.
[melancholy music.]
And I loved Uber.
Hurry, Ila, the horse and buggy guy said they get very busy after 5:00, and tie a sweater around your waist, please.
It's supposed to get cold.
I'm bringing my hand sanitizer, so there's no point bringing yours.
"Put von Weber on BagBitch.
net "or I'll tell your mom about your BFF molly.
"Welcome to New York.
XO B von W.
" Ugh! Bitch! I can't believe we pulled this off.
I can't believe Brooke was our hookup.
- [machine beeps.]
- I'm so excited.
I know.
We're swimming with the stream.
Why did we resist for so long? [machines beeps quickly.]
Ma'am, I'm afraid this ticket's not valid.
- What? - No! How could that drug dealer sell us a fake ticket? So unprofessional.
What do we do? You have to see it.
You must be out of your goddamn mind.
Ma'am, I need you to step to the side, please.
Really, go.
At least one of us should know what a "Hamilton"-gasm feels like.
I'll go home and binge-watch "Cheers.
" People used to love that, right? [sighs.]
Vaness, I feel so helpless.
[melancholy music.]
Enjoy it.
[quietly.]
No.
I cannot believe you gave up your "Hamilton" ticket.
I can.
It meant so much to that homeless guy.
Maybe it'll change his life.
Yeah, I don't need my life changed.
- I love my life.
- Ditto.
And "Hamilton" wasn't even a good president, right? Vanessa, he was Secretary of the Treasury.
Wait, he wasn't even president and he gets a whole musical? [laughs.]
I'll call for tickets tomorrow.
We'll see it when we're 50.
I'm sure Ricky Martin will make a great Hamilton.
[rock music.]
Javier Munoz.
No? This kid is insane, man.
We're on a date.
And I'm a federal prosecutor.
Excuse me, sir.
Ma'am, I need you to step to the side, please.
For more "Odd Mom Out," go to Bravotv.
com.
Oh, dear.