Off the Hook (2009) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
This is ridiculous! Who mistakes their radio alarm clock for the fire alarm? I got confused, OK! You should be thanking me.
If that was a real fire, I've just saved your life.
Yes, but it wasn't a real fire, was it? You woke me, dragged me out of bed and the flat.
Now we're locked out.
You always look at the downside.
.
.
Come on, Fred.
Hello, ladies.
All right? Well, it was nice of you to buy me breakfast, Shane.
Hey! Just to be clear - this covers the embarrassing thing this morning with the hot girls and for messing up your exhibition.
Oh! I didn't realise it was a 2-for-1 deal.
Yeah, it is.
I still think you should apologise to Scarlet about that photo.
She'll get over it.
Why is she making such a big deal out of it? It's only a photo.
It's not as if her face was actually between my bum cheeks.
Yeah I don't think it helped with the student newspaper calling her Bum-Face Girl.
Another muffin? No, thanks, I'm stuffed.
Me too.
You bought so much stuff, it must've cost you a fortune.
How much did it come to? Cost isn't important, Danny.
Yeah, OK.
But it was £18.
50.
Wow! How could you even afford that? You can't even afford a toothbrush.
Actually, I hope this is OK, but I had to borrow a bit of money from your wallet to cover it.
Oh, OK.
How much did you borrow? £18.
50.
Right, so I actually just paid for your apology breakfast? Yeah, but I'm going to pay you back.
I'm going to the bank to extend my overdraft.
Come along, if you like.
Oh, yes, please(!) We might bump into those hot girls in the corridor.
At least we'll be dressed this time.
Amen to that.
Well? Yeah! I'm officially skint.
Skint? They refuse to increase my overdraft, I've got no money in my account.
What about your student loan? Been and gone.
We've only been here a month.
What have you been doing? I have expensive tastes, Danny.
What are you going to do? I mean, you know I'd lend you, but I've barely got enough to live on.
Yeah.
Are you going to get a job? What did you say? Get a job? Part time, in a bar or something.
I'm a student.
You've only got four lectures a week and you don't even go to those.
That's irrelevant.
The point of being at university is so that I don't have to work.
If I get a job, that discredits the entire system.
Excuse me.
Could you tell me how to go to bank? Oh, er, yeah, we just came from there.
But don't try and get any money out of them.
It will not happen, not unless you have got a mask and a gun.
You're very funny.
Thanks.
Do I recognise you from somewhere? I don't think so.
No, we're famous around here.
Did you see the photo exhibition, Bum-Face Girl? Well, he was the photographer and it was my bum.
So, are you two students here, then? We're on the exchange programme from Germany.
We are here for just one term.
That's great.
Wunderbar! You speak German? A little bit No, that was it, actually.
I'm Shane.
This is Danny.
Hi.
This is my sister, Fleur.
I'm Flundergraft.
Flundawhat? Flundergraft.
Right, er, well, Fleur and Flina, er Will you excuse us one second? We'll be right back.
GERMAN ACCENT: Don't go anywhere.
Stay right there.
But seriously, stay there.
I'm funny in German.
Very peculiar.
We should take them out to dinner.
But we don't have any money.
We'll take them to McDonald's or something.
Dinner at McDonald's? Burger King? And they don't know, they're German.
They probably think it's some fancy restaurant.
I think maybe they have Burger King in Germany.
Listen I need my wing man, all right? Danny, they're sisters! They're German sisters! I don't even know why that sounds so good, but it just does.
All right, fine.
Brilliant! What's my one called again? Flundergraft! OK.
So, Fleur andthe other one.
We were just wondering if you two would like to join us for dinner this evening.
That is such a nice idea.
It is so nice to be invited to a proper dinner.
Ja.
Most students just want to go and get junk food or something.
That is disgusting.
Those places make me want to be sick.
Ja What was I supposed to do? You heard what she said.
You didn't have to invite them to the most expensive restaurant! Will we just drink water?! Yes, but they can order proper food.
But we don't even have money for bread and olives! We'll make some money.
How? I don't know.
There must be a way.
Look, babe, I told you it's over.
Please.
Ssh! You just need to get on with your life.
Take care.
Women, eh? Yeah.
What happened? She tried to tie me down, thought I could be a one-woman man.
I'm not a one-woman man.
Fred, wait.
Have you got any ideas on how we could make a fairly large amount of money very quickly? Mugging.
I was thinking more legally without going to prison.
All right.
What about the sperm bank? No.
Can't do it.
They said I'm still banned.
Why did you get banned? It's a long story.
I don't think that nurse will ever forgive me.
So you've donated sperm before? Loads.
This place is practically my ATM.
Where d'you think you're going? If I can't go in, you have to.
I'm not doing it.
Why not? Because donating sperm means you could have lots of offspring and you will have no idea who they are.
What? Yes, that's what happens.
They insert your sperm into a woman and she has your kid.
What did you think they want it for? To keep it in tiny little bottles? Never really thought about it.
Anyway, so you have a couple of random kids running around! Isn't that a small price to pay for a hot date with two German sisters? No.
It's a huge price to pay.
All right, forget the sperm bank.
Why don't we just sell something? What do we have that's worth anything? You could sell your camera.
I'm not selling my camera for a date! I'm saying if you did decide I'm deciding not to.
If you did What about medical experiments? Yeah, right(!) Hold on.
What d'you mean by medical experiments? Chemistry department pays students to take drugs and report effects.
How much? About 50 quid each.
That's it! That the answer.
Problem sorted.
What d'you mean, "Problem sorted"? It's not sorted it all.
I'm not taking random pills.
It won't be anything dangerous, is it? They test it on animals first.
I don't care, I'm not doing it! Please.
It means we make enough money for the date and we make a contribution to medical science.
No! Forget it, Shane.
Danny, listen.
Listen You're my best mate, OK? I'm asking you really nicely Please do some medical experiments so we can go on this date.
Absolutely not.
Danny! Come in.
All right, mate? Yes, thanks.
Sorry about before when I tried to make you take pharmaceuticals.
That was wrong.
I understand now.
OK.
Wellthanks.
I've made you a little sandwich just to make up for it.
You made me a sandwich? Yes.
Tuna and mayo.
Your favourite.
You're okay with me not taking the pills? Absolutely.
I was thinking about it and I was completely wrong.
It was an unreasonable thing to ask.
So come on.
Eat your sandwich.
Agh! Oh Oh, for God's sake, Shane! What the hell do you think you're doing?! What d'you mean? There are pills in this sandwich! Are they? You know there are.
I can't believe you'd do this.
Have you gone insane? I'm sorry, OK.
I'm really desperate.
I really want to go on this date.
I got the pills and they said you had to do it in pairs or the results are incalculable.
So you thought you'd just spike my sandwich? That's right.
But it's nothing bad, honest.
Look, I've got a leaflet here.
"Possible side-effects include mild halitosis," and that's it! I told you, Shane! I am not doing it.
It's just mild halitosis! I don't want any halitosis! What is halitosis anyway? It's bad breath.
We'll get some super-strong Triple X mints and we'll be fine for the date.
Forget the date! It's not happening.
How can you say that? We can't afford it.
It's not my fault you spend all your money on rubbish.
I do not.
What about that? That was rubbish.
Oh, that was a bargain.
They were giving them away.
It's a stair lift for old people who can't walk.
It's also for drunk people who can't get up the stairs.
We've got a lift.
What is wrong with this thing? You're not so clever now, are you, with your precious lift.
Listen, Danny.
Do you know how rare it is for a girl to like me enough to actually go on a date with me? Do you remember the last time that happened? No! But this girl Danny, this girl likes me.
She thinks I'm funny.
She actually laughed at one of my jokes.
She's German.
She doesn't speak good English! That's why she laughed at your jokes! Thanks, man(!) I didn't mean you're not funny.
I meant No, no, that's fine.
Well, it's lucky one of us has a friend that looks out for him.
Who tries through hell and high water to hook him up with women, not to mention what happened in the girl's school playground.
You can't bring up the playground.
Darren Krendall was gonna strip you naked and chuck you in there as sure as eggs are eggs.
Who was the one person who stood up for you? Who was the one person? You.
Muggins here.
That's who.
And you! You can't even take a couple of little pills to help out a mate.
It's sad.
All right, fine.
Really? If I take these pills, that's it.
We're evens on the (.
.
playground episode.
) OK.
You can never mention it, bring it up in conversation or use it as emotional blackmail again.
Never? Never.
OK, deal.
It is just mild halitosis? Yeah! Right.
I can't believe I'm going to do this.
Best date ever, here we come.
MUSIC: "Sex Bomb" by Tom Jones D'you think you could do this stuff in your room? Look, babe, I told you it's over.
Yeah, I know.
Well, life's tough.
See you.
Is that that girl again? No, a different one.
Oh.
Nice shirt.
Thanks.
Listen, Fred, you know I've got this big date coming up? D'you have any advice or tips? Girls like it when you smile.
Smile? Smile.
OK Ermate, why are you so dressed up? We're going on a date to an expensive restaurant.
WE'RE not going on a date, we're going out with two girls.
Anyway, you can't go looking like that.
Like what? Smart and good looking.
What d'you want me to look like? Much, much worse! Don't you get it? If you look too good, you'll make me look bad.
Come here.
Ah! Come here.
What are you doing? Just doing your hair! Stop it! This is my favourite cardigan! I paid good money for this! What's that? Fake zit.
Isn't it enough I'm doing medical experiments for your date? Just try it, OK? No! Maybe you could be a bit slower than usual, make out you're a bit simple? No way.
I might like this girl.
I don't want her to think I'm simple.
I thought you were into Scarlett.
I never said I was! And anyway, that photo of your backside has ensured that that's never going to happen.
That's true.
Man, I'm excited! Agh! Aren't you excited, though? This is just going to be a great date, you know, just the best date ever.
I can feel it.
I'm just really Is this? Are we? Are we, are we moving? Is this stuck? Danny, this is stuck.
Danny, we're stuck! Oh God, no! God, no, not tonight of all nights! Please, what are we going to do? Danny, I can't breathe! OK, just over there.
Thank you, sir.
OK.
Evening, evening.
Lovely blouse.
You don't have to say hello to everyone.
I know, I'm just a bit nervous.
Hello.
Why are you grinning like that? Fred told me to.
Fred? There they are.
Hello.
Hello.
Which one laughed at my jokes? The one on the right.
Your right? Your left.
That way.
OK.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hallo.
Hi.
Heil-lo.
So, what do you actually study, Flanagoo.
ray? Flundergraft.
Yeah, sorry.
For me, I study the English.
You don't need to study English.
Thank you.
I still have a strong German accent, though.
No, not at all.
You know, I would have thought you were English.
That's very kind.
And what about you? What do you study? Oh, well, I'm studying moral philosophy with comparative philology.
Tell me about comparative philology.
Yeah, OK, well you see, comparative philology is like a breadstick.
You know? You, umhave to break it down and then compare the different kinds of philologies .
.
or breadsticks.
So what are we going to order? I'm starving.
Your friend must be very academic.
Who, Shane? Yes, he is, he is.
He's very, very academic.
And what about you? Are you studying something clever too? Oh, no.
I'm studying media.
I'm a photographer, mainly.
Zat is so sexy.
Is it? Ja.
A man who takes good photos has an eye for beauty.
Ohmaybe.
What's this menu about? It might as well be in German.
How's it going? Fantastic.
I've got her eating right out of my hand, plus all my third year German's coming back, so I can understand everything they're saying.
Not everything, but most things.
How about you? It's really good.
I think I might actually quite like this girl.
This was a good call, Shane.
Have you had a mint recently? I had three before I came out.
You better have another one.
I don't want another one.
Seriously, it's like something's crawled into your mouth and died.
You said it was mild halitosis.
I think the halitosis from the pills might've mixed with your own halitosis to produce quite bad halitosis.
Just have another one.
Are you ready to order? Yeah.
So what would you like to order, Flina? For me, the fondue.
OK, so that's the fondue for Flondu.
And I'll have the same as her, please.
Ja.
Fondue all round.
What the hell is that? That's fondue.
Is it? Smells like boiling cheese.
That's what it is.
That's what you've just ordered.
Why would anyone want to eat boiling cheese? It's making me want to hurl Sorry, sorry about that.
That's just an English custom.
It just means I'm showing appreciation.
You know, er Go on, Danny, your turn.
Sorry, what? I'm not burping.
Yes, you are.
It's an English custom.
No.
What did she just say? I think it was something about the Easter Bunny.
Some wine? Thank you.
Ah! If our father knew we had been drinking alcohol, he would be so angry.
I guess that's what the Germans are like, though, isn't it? Very strict, you know.
GERMAN ACCENT: Like robots.
There are many things I do that my father would not approve of.
Sorry.
You really have to stop doing that, it's really inappropriate.
I can't help it, OK, I'm full of gas.
It's coming out of both ends.
You're just going to have to learn to control yourself.
You can talk.
You look like you've got rabies.
You're foaming at the mouth, man.
What the hell is going on? I don't know, but it's really unsightly, OK.
You're all sweaty as well.
Just go and sort yourself out.
Are you all right? You look really nervous.
No, I'm not.
I'm not nervous at all.
Your head, it's all red.
And your mouth Oh, hey Would you excuse us a second? HE FARTS Where are we going? I don't want to worry you, but you're starting to look odd.
You've gone like a greenish hue.
SHANE FARTS Will you stop doing that? It's only natural, man.
It's not natural.
If it was natural, everyone would be doing it.
What you think it is, then? What do you mean, what do I think? It's those pills, that's what! It can't be, OK, it would have said it on the leaflet.
Let me see the leaflet.
I've left it at home.
Fred RINGTONE PLAYS: # Life's rubbish! Rubbish! # I told you it's over, stop calling.
.
.
rubbish! Rubbish! Fred, it's me, Danny.
Oh, hi, Danny.
Yeah, I need you to do me a massive favour.
In the flat, there's a leaflet about those pills that we took.
Oh, yeah.
I need you to read the side effects.
Out loud.
Oh Mild halitosis.
Is that all it says? There's more on the other side.
You didn't look on the other side? It didn't say PTO! Flatulence, excess saliva, greenish hue, excessive wind Hang on, Fred, one second.
What are we going to do, man? We're going to wrap up this meal and then we're going to get the girls out of here before things go even more horribly wrong.
OK, good.
Yeah, you go take care of them.
I'll stay here, cos I've still got a little bit more farting to do.
OK.
Take that.
Go.
OK, Fred, what else? Nosebleeds, migraines .
.
intense sore throat, cough or chest pains.
.
Is everything all right? Yes, all is fine.
We just Do you mind if we make a move? Maybe go somewhere a little bit quieter? Or louder.
Let's go somewhere louder.
.
.
impotence in men below 30, distorted vision, unpleasant hallucinations .
.
cold sores, severe dizziness, constipation, thrush or yeast infection Are you OK, Danny? You are so sweaty.
You look like you've been turned upside down and dipped in a well.
'.
.
migraines' I'm just a bit hot, that's all.
'.
.
increased colour blindness' Does this list ever end? .
.
neck rash, sudden bouts of narcolepsy Wait, what's narcolepsy? It's where you fall asleep randomly and without warning.
Cheers, Fred.
'Doors closing.
' It wasn't that bad.
Wasn't it? No, it was, actually.
Slightly worse, if anything.
Boiling cheese everywhere and Fleur just kept screaming and screaming I swear I will never listen to you again.
How do you think I feel, man? The first girl to like me since we've been here went to hospital with cheese burns! There's nothing we can do about it now.
Plenty more fish in the sea, eh? Like those hot girls on our corridor.
You've still got a chance with them.
Is this actually moving? This is just intolerable.
Yeah, this isn't good, man, especially because, you know, the pills haven't quite worn off yet.
What do you mean? Sorry, but I think I might be about to release the mother load.
No! No, no, Shane, you can't do it in here.
No, you've got to keep it in! I can't keep it in! It's coming! There's nothing I can do about it! I'm going to be lucky if I don't follow through.
Shane, please, no! Agh! Help me, help me! Please, help! Help us! Hi.
Where have you girls been tonight? Please, please, please Please, please, please! Sorry! (Sorry.
) 'Doors closing.
'
If that was a real fire, I've just saved your life.
Yes, but it wasn't a real fire, was it? You woke me, dragged me out of bed and the flat.
Now we're locked out.
You always look at the downside.
.
.
Come on, Fred.
Hello, ladies.
All right? Well, it was nice of you to buy me breakfast, Shane.
Hey! Just to be clear - this covers the embarrassing thing this morning with the hot girls and for messing up your exhibition.
Oh! I didn't realise it was a 2-for-1 deal.
Yeah, it is.
I still think you should apologise to Scarlet about that photo.
She'll get over it.
Why is she making such a big deal out of it? It's only a photo.
It's not as if her face was actually between my bum cheeks.
Yeah I don't think it helped with the student newspaper calling her Bum-Face Girl.
Another muffin? No, thanks, I'm stuffed.
Me too.
You bought so much stuff, it must've cost you a fortune.
How much did it come to? Cost isn't important, Danny.
Yeah, OK.
But it was £18.
50.
Wow! How could you even afford that? You can't even afford a toothbrush.
Actually, I hope this is OK, but I had to borrow a bit of money from your wallet to cover it.
Oh, OK.
How much did you borrow? £18.
50.
Right, so I actually just paid for your apology breakfast? Yeah, but I'm going to pay you back.
I'm going to the bank to extend my overdraft.
Come along, if you like.
Oh, yes, please(!) We might bump into those hot girls in the corridor.
At least we'll be dressed this time.
Amen to that.
Well? Yeah! I'm officially skint.
Skint? They refuse to increase my overdraft, I've got no money in my account.
What about your student loan? Been and gone.
We've only been here a month.
What have you been doing? I have expensive tastes, Danny.
What are you going to do? I mean, you know I'd lend you, but I've barely got enough to live on.
Yeah.
Are you going to get a job? What did you say? Get a job? Part time, in a bar or something.
I'm a student.
You've only got four lectures a week and you don't even go to those.
That's irrelevant.
The point of being at university is so that I don't have to work.
If I get a job, that discredits the entire system.
Excuse me.
Could you tell me how to go to bank? Oh, er, yeah, we just came from there.
But don't try and get any money out of them.
It will not happen, not unless you have got a mask and a gun.
You're very funny.
Thanks.
Do I recognise you from somewhere? I don't think so.
No, we're famous around here.
Did you see the photo exhibition, Bum-Face Girl? Well, he was the photographer and it was my bum.
So, are you two students here, then? We're on the exchange programme from Germany.
We are here for just one term.
That's great.
Wunderbar! You speak German? A little bit No, that was it, actually.
I'm Shane.
This is Danny.
Hi.
This is my sister, Fleur.
I'm Flundergraft.
Flundawhat? Flundergraft.
Right, er, well, Fleur and Flina, er Will you excuse us one second? We'll be right back.
GERMAN ACCENT: Don't go anywhere.
Stay right there.
But seriously, stay there.
I'm funny in German.
Very peculiar.
We should take them out to dinner.
But we don't have any money.
We'll take them to McDonald's or something.
Dinner at McDonald's? Burger King? And they don't know, they're German.
They probably think it's some fancy restaurant.
I think maybe they have Burger King in Germany.
Listen I need my wing man, all right? Danny, they're sisters! They're German sisters! I don't even know why that sounds so good, but it just does.
All right, fine.
Brilliant! What's my one called again? Flundergraft! OK.
So, Fleur andthe other one.
We were just wondering if you two would like to join us for dinner this evening.
That is such a nice idea.
It is so nice to be invited to a proper dinner.
Ja.
Most students just want to go and get junk food or something.
That is disgusting.
Those places make me want to be sick.
Ja What was I supposed to do? You heard what she said.
You didn't have to invite them to the most expensive restaurant! Will we just drink water?! Yes, but they can order proper food.
But we don't even have money for bread and olives! We'll make some money.
How? I don't know.
There must be a way.
Look, babe, I told you it's over.
Please.
Ssh! You just need to get on with your life.
Take care.
Women, eh? Yeah.
What happened? She tried to tie me down, thought I could be a one-woman man.
I'm not a one-woman man.
Fred, wait.
Have you got any ideas on how we could make a fairly large amount of money very quickly? Mugging.
I was thinking more legally without going to prison.
All right.
What about the sperm bank? No.
Can't do it.
They said I'm still banned.
Why did you get banned? It's a long story.
I don't think that nurse will ever forgive me.
So you've donated sperm before? Loads.
This place is practically my ATM.
Where d'you think you're going? If I can't go in, you have to.
I'm not doing it.
Why not? Because donating sperm means you could have lots of offspring and you will have no idea who they are.
What? Yes, that's what happens.
They insert your sperm into a woman and she has your kid.
What did you think they want it for? To keep it in tiny little bottles? Never really thought about it.
Anyway, so you have a couple of random kids running around! Isn't that a small price to pay for a hot date with two German sisters? No.
It's a huge price to pay.
All right, forget the sperm bank.
Why don't we just sell something? What do we have that's worth anything? You could sell your camera.
I'm not selling my camera for a date! I'm saying if you did decide I'm deciding not to.
If you did What about medical experiments? Yeah, right(!) Hold on.
What d'you mean by medical experiments? Chemistry department pays students to take drugs and report effects.
How much? About 50 quid each.
That's it! That the answer.
Problem sorted.
What d'you mean, "Problem sorted"? It's not sorted it all.
I'm not taking random pills.
It won't be anything dangerous, is it? They test it on animals first.
I don't care, I'm not doing it! Please.
It means we make enough money for the date and we make a contribution to medical science.
No! Forget it, Shane.
Danny, listen.
Listen You're my best mate, OK? I'm asking you really nicely Please do some medical experiments so we can go on this date.
Absolutely not.
Danny! Come in.
All right, mate? Yes, thanks.
Sorry about before when I tried to make you take pharmaceuticals.
That was wrong.
I understand now.
OK.
Wellthanks.
I've made you a little sandwich just to make up for it.
You made me a sandwich? Yes.
Tuna and mayo.
Your favourite.
You're okay with me not taking the pills? Absolutely.
I was thinking about it and I was completely wrong.
It was an unreasonable thing to ask.
So come on.
Eat your sandwich.
Agh! Oh Oh, for God's sake, Shane! What the hell do you think you're doing?! What d'you mean? There are pills in this sandwich! Are they? You know there are.
I can't believe you'd do this.
Have you gone insane? I'm sorry, OK.
I'm really desperate.
I really want to go on this date.
I got the pills and they said you had to do it in pairs or the results are incalculable.
So you thought you'd just spike my sandwich? That's right.
But it's nothing bad, honest.
Look, I've got a leaflet here.
"Possible side-effects include mild halitosis," and that's it! I told you, Shane! I am not doing it.
It's just mild halitosis! I don't want any halitosis! What is halitosis anyway? It's bad breath.
We'll get some super-strong Triple X mints and we'll be fine for the date.
Forget the date! It's not happening.
How can you say that? We can't afford it.
It's not my fault you spend all your money on rubbish.
I do not.
What about that? That was rubbish.
Oh, that was a bargain.
They were giving them away.
It's a stair lift for old people who can't walk.
It's also for drunk people who can't get up the stairs.
We've got a lift.
What is wrong with this thing? You're not so clever now, are you, with your precious lift.
Listen, Danny.
Do you know how rare it is for a girl to like me enough to actually go on a date with me? Do you remember the last time that happened? No! But this girl Danny, this girl likes me.
She thinks I'm funny.
She actually laughed at one of my jokes.
She's German.
She doesn't speak good English! That's why she laughed at your jokes! Thanks, man(!) I didn't mean you're not funny.
I meant No, no, that's fine.
Well, it's lucky one of us has a friend that looks out for him.
Who tries through hell and high water to hook him up with women, not to mention what happened in the girl's school playground.
You can't bring up the playground.
Darren Krendall was gonna strip you naked and chuck you in there as sure as eggs are eggs.
Who was the one person who stood up for you? Who was the one person? You.
Muggins here.
That's who.
And you! You can't even take a couple of little pills to help out a mate.
It's sad.
All right, fine.
Really? If I take these pills, that's it.
We're evens on the (.
.
playground episode.
) OK.
You can never mention it, bring it up in conversation or use it as emotional blackmail again.
Never? Never.
OK, deal.
It is just mild halitosis? Yeah! Right.
I can't believe I'm going to do this.
Best date ever, here we come.
MUSIC: "Sex Bomb" by Tom Jones D'you think you could do this stuff in your room? Look, babe, I told you it's over.
Yeah, I know.
Well, life's tough.
See you.
Is that that girl again? No, a different one.
Oh.
Nice shirt.
Thanks.
Listen, Fred, you know I've got this big date coming up? D'you have any advice or tips? Girls like it when you smile.
Smile? Smile.
OK Ermate, why are you so dressed up? We're going on a date to an expensive restaurant.
WE'RE not going on a date, we're going out with two girls.
Anyway, you can't go looking like that.
Like what? Smart and good looking.
What d'you want me to look like? Much, much worse! Don't you get it? If you look too good, you'll make me look bad.
Come here.
Ah! Come here.
What are you doing? Just doing your hair! Stop it! This is my favourite cardigan! I paid good money for this! What's that? Fake zit.
Isn't it enough I'm doing medical experiments for your date? Just try it, OK? No! Maybe you could be a bit slower than usual, make out you're a bit simple? No way.
I might like this girl.
I don't want her to think I'm simple.
I thought you were into Scarlett.
I never said I was! And anyway, that photo of your backside has ensured that that's never going to happen.
That's true.
Man, I'm excited! Agh! Aren't you excited, though? This is just going to be a great date, you know, just the best date ever.
I can feel it.
I'm just really Is this? Are we? Are we, are we moving? Is this stuck? Danny, this is stuck.
Danny, we're stuck! Oh God, no! God, no, not tonight of all nights! Please, what are we going to do? Danny, I can't breathe! OK, just over there.
Thank you, sir.
OK.
Evening, evening.
Lovely blouse.
You don't have to say hello to everyone.
I know, I'm just a bit nervous.
Hello.
Why are you grinning like that? Fred told me to.
Fred? There they are.
Hello.
Hello.
Which one laughed at my jokes? The one on the right.
Your right? Your left.
That way.
OK.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hallo.
Hi.
Heil-lo.
So, what do you actually study, Flanagoo.
ray? Flundergraft.
Yeah, sorry.
For me, I study the English.
You don't need to study English.
Thank you.
I still have a strong German accent, though.
No, not at all.
You know, I would have thought you were English.
That's very kind.
And what about you? What do you study? Oh, well, I'm studying moral philosophy with comparative philology.
Tell me about comparative philology.
Yeah, OK, well you see, comparative philology is like a breadstick.
You know? You, umhave to break it down and then compare the different kinds of philologies .
.
or breadsticks.
So what are we going to order? I'm starving.
Your friend must be very academic.
Who, Shane? Yes, he is, he is.
He's very, very academic.
And what about you? Are you studying something clever too? Oh, no.
I'm studying media.
I'm a photographer, mainly.
Zat is so sexy.
Is it? Ja.
A man who takes good photos has an eye for beauty.
Ohmaybe.
What's this menu about? It might as well be in German.
How's it going? Fantastic.
I've got her eating right out of my hand, plus all my third year German's coming back, so I can understand everything they're saying.
Not everything, but most things.
How about you? It's really good.
I think I might actually quite like this girl.
This was a good call, Shane.
Have you had a mint recently? I had three before I came out.
You better have another one.
I don't want another one.
Seriously, it's like something's crawled into your mouth and died.
You said it was mild halitosis.
I think the halitosis from the pills might've mixed with your own halitosis to produce quite bad halitosis.
Just have another one.
Are you ready to order? Yeah.
So what would you like to order, Flina? For me, the fondue.
OK, so that's the fondue for Flondu.
And I'll have the same as her, please.
Ja.
Fondue all round.
What the hell is that? That's fondue.
Is it? Smells like boiling cheese.
That's what it is.
That's what you've just ordered.
Why would anyone want to eat boiling cheese? It's making me want to hurl Sorry, sorry about that.
That's just an English custom.
It just means I'm showing appreciation.
You know, er Go on, Danny, your turn.
Sorry, what? I'm not burping.
Yes, you are.
It's an English custom.
No.
What did she just say? I think it was something about the Easter Bunny.
Some wine? Thank you.
Ah! If our father knew we had been drinking alcohol, he would be so angry.
I guess that's what the Germans are like, though, isn't it? Very strict, you know.
GERMAN ACCENT: Like robots.
There are many things I do that my father would not approve of.
Sorry.
You really have to stop doing that, it's really inappropriate.
I can't help it, OK, I'm full of gas.
It's coming out of both ends.
You're just going to have to learn to control yourself.
You can talk.
You look like you've got rabies.
You're foaming at the mouth, man.
What the hell is going on? I don't know, but it's really unsightly, OK.
You're all sweaty as well.
Just go and sort yourself out.
Are you all right? You look really nervous.
No, I'm not.
I'm not nervous at all.
Your head, it's all red.
And your mouth Oh, hey Would you excuse us a second? HE FARTS Where are we going? I don't want to worry you, but you're starting to look odd.
You've gone like a greenish hue.
SHANE FARTS Will you stop doing that? It's only natural, man.
It's not natural.
If it was natural, everyone would be doing it.
What you think it is, then? What do you mean, what do I think? It's those pills, that's what! It can't be, OK, it would have said it on the leaflet.
Let me see the leaflet.
I've left it at home.
Fred RINGTONE PLAYS: # Life's rubbish! Rubbish! # I told you it's over, stop calling.
.
.
rubbish! Rubbish! Fred, it's me, Danny.
Oh, hi, Danny.
Yeah, I need you to do me a massive favour.
In the flat, there's a leaflet about those pills that we took.
Oh, yeah.
I need you to read the side effects.
Out loud.
Oh Mild halitosis.
Is that all it says? There's more on the other side.
You didn't look on the other side? It didn't say PTO! Flatulence, excess saliva, greenish hue, excessive wind Hang on, Fred, one second.
What are we going to do, man? We're going to wrap up this meal and then we're going to get the girls out of here before things go even more horribly wrong.
OK, good.
Yeah, you go take care of them.
I'll stay here, cos I've still got a little bit more farting to do.
OK.
Take that.
Go.
OK, Fred, what else? Nosebleeds, migraines .
.
intense sore throat, cough or chest pains.
.
Is everything all right? Yes, all is fine.
We just Do you mind if we make a move? Maybe go somewhere a little bit quieter? Or louder.
Let's go somewhere louder.
.
.
impotence in men below 30, distorted vision, unpleasant hallucinations .
.
cold sores, severe dizziness, constipation, thrush or yeast infection Are you OK, Danny? You are so sweaty.
You look like you've been turned upside down and dipped in a well.
'.
.
migraines' I'm just a bit hot, that's all.
'.
.
increased colour blindness' Does this list ever end? .
.
neck rash, sudden bouts of narcolepsy Wait, what's narcolepsy? It's where you fall asleep randomly and without warning.
Cheers, Fred.
'Doors closing.
' It wasn't that bad.
Wasn't it? No, it was, actually.
Slightly worse, if anything.
Boiling cheese everywhere and Fleur just kept screaming and screaming I swear I will never listen to you again.
How do you think I feel, man? The first girl to like me since we've been here went to hospital with cheese burns! There's nothing we can do about it now.
Plenty more fish in the sea, eh? Like those hot girls on our corridor.
You've still got a chance with them.
Is this actually moving? This is just intolerable.
Yeah, this isn't good, man, especially because, you know, the pills haven't quite worn off yet.
What do you mean? Sorry, but I think I might be about to release the mother load.
No! No, no, Shane, you can't do it in here.
No, you've got to keep it in! I can't keep it in! It's coming! There's nothing I can do about it! I'm going to be lucky if I don't follow through.
Shane, please, no! Agh! Help me, help me! Please, help! Help us! Hi.
Where have you girls been tonight? Please, please, please Please, please, please! Sorry! (Sorry.
) 'Doors closing.
'