Off the Hook (2009) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
Did I wake you? Well, yes.
What are you What are you doing here? I came to apologise, for ruining your Halloween party.
Oh, really? I think I might have come across as a little aggressive.
Well, maybe just a tad.
I'm not really like that.
OK.
I've been coming in here every night and justsitting here, watching you sleep.
And this is the first time you've woken up.
Come into my room.
I want to show you something.
HE GASPS Oh, that's Oscar.
OOscar? Oscar's Pete's brother.
Pete's the one I left for you.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks for that.
I like to practise collect birds to practise my taxidermy.
Oh, right.
I lay traps for them in the woods.
So you kill them first? No.
Here, look.
Let me show you something.
I haven't enacted them yet, but the likeness is pretty good, don't you think? So, if there's anyone you want to hurt or anything like that, just let me know, OK? OK, will do.
You look sort of stressed, Danny.
Would you like to be under hypnosis? It might help you relax.
Um, no, that's OK, thanks.
I'm very good at it.
Sometimes I can people put people under without them even knowing about it.
You have to leave now.
Right.
Wait! My name's Wendy, by the way.
Now go.
Right now, this second.
Aaah! Morning, gorgeous.
Wow, you look awful! That's because I barely slept.
Why not? I'll tell you why not.
Because of Weird Bloke.
He She came into my room in the middle of the night.
Oh, yeah? She's really freaking me out.
She took me into her room and she showed me all these voodoo dolls of all of us.
Oh, my God! Is that why I've got this itchy leg? I don't think so.
So then what happened? Then she licked my face and told me to get out.
She licked your face?! You're so lucky, man! No, I'm not lucky.
Shane, she is completely insane.
Yeah, but you got to admit, Weird Bloke is fit.
Anyway, look.
This will take your mind off it.
Check that out! "Russian Cossack Dancing Society.
Join this week for half price.
" Wow, thanks(!) Not that.
This.
"Election for first year president.
" Yeah! So? "So?" What do you mean, "so?" I mean, so what? I'll tell you what so what.
This is politics, my friend, OK? With politics comes power.
With power comes glory.
And with glory comes ladies! What are you saying? You're going to run for president so you get girls? Exactly! More precisely, you'll run for president, with me as your running mate.
I'll run for president so that you can get girls? Right, yeah.
Right, there's a few problems with this, Shane.
What? OK, for one thing, why would anyone vote for us? What are you talking about? Everyone knows who we are.
So? Everyone knows who Robert Mugabe is.
Exactly, and he's always getting voted in, isn't he? That's because his people use torture and intimidation to win him votes.
I don't think we should do that, man, it's only a student election.
Anyway, secondly, we don't have any policies.
Not important.
Really? I thought policies were important in politics.
No, they just weigh you down.
All you need to do is work the system and twist it to your advantage.
I don't know.
It all sounds a bit wrong.
Come on, man, it'll be brilliant! Maybe we can consult Fred.
Didn't he have an internship at the House of Lords? Yeah, but he's out all day.
He's doing a gig on the Jools Holland show.
What? I know, don't ask.
It's a miracle You move so fast The way you dance for me Then just speak up.
KNOCK AT DOOR Figaro.
Hello.
Here to see Scarlet.
Why? Because we've got business, that's why.
Hi, how's it going? Pretty good, thanks, babe.
How are you? Really good.
You ready? Yeah, I'll just grab my bag.
Cool.
What kind of business have you got with Scarlet? If you must know, I'm running for first year president, and Scarlet's my running mate.
You don't have a problem with that, do you, mate? Why would I have a problem with that? All right? Oh, sorry, Shane.
This is Figaro.
He's on my course.
Figaro.
So, what is that - a first name or a surname? It's neither.
It's like a brand name.
DANNY MOUTHS What, seriously? Yeah, like, you know, Bono Sting Meatloaf? No, that's my Er Scarlet? Mm? Are you running with Figaro for first year president? Yeah, why? Well, that's weird.
Because so are we.
SHE LAUGHS What, you two? Yeah.
What's so funny? What do you know about politics? We knowwhat we need to know.
What, nothing? That's right.
You don't need to know anything in politics, do you? Look at George W.
Bush.
Yeah.
He didn't know anything and he almost became President.
He was President.
Was he? Yeah, for eight years.
Well, there you go.
Don't worry, Scarlet, if this is our stiffest competition, I don't think we're going to have too much trouble.
Well, that's your opinion.
See you later, yeah? At least we've got two names! Each! Yeah! You really need to work on your comebacks, man.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah.
We should back out.
No.
No, no, no.
I'm not thinking that.
I'm thinking that we are going to enter this election, and what's more, we're going to win.
'Doors closing.
' It's going to be great, man.
We're going to wipe the smirk of Figaro's face.
Yes, we are.
Yeah.
Where are you going? Who, us? Yeah.
We're running for I wasn't asking you.
Oh, sorry.
Yes.
I'm standing for first year president.
I see.
'Doors closing.
' What are you doing? Pressing some buttons.
Are you in a hurry or something? No.
Yeah.
No.
Just leave it.
OK.
Look, Danny.
I carry you with me everywhere I go.
Good luck in the election.
Thanks.
'Doors opening.
' She is totally stalking you.
She's a complete freak.
What did you just say? A complete frefree spirit.
I think you're a completely free spirit and that it's great and your clothes are wicked 'Doors closing.
' It's just so weird.
Why would Scarlet have any interest in someone like Figaro? I don't know.
Maybe he smells nice, all right? Blimey, the way you're going on, anyone would think you fancy Scarlet.
Why are you saying I fancy Scarlet? No one said anything about that.
Fancying Scarletridiculous.
Anyway All right, OK, so whatpolicies have we got so far? Ernone.
But we do have a slogan.
Want to hear it? OK, go on.
OK.
Vote for Danny Gordon for first year student president, and a great new era of fun, frolics and entertainment - an end to the boring stuff you associate with politics, which is unnecessary.
Could we have something shorter? Could lose the first bit.
The bit that says, "Vote for Danny Gordon?" Mmm, maybe not.
Shane.
We're running an election in two days, and we don't have a slogan and we definitely do not have any policies.
I've got it figured out.
We'll just say we're campaigning for cheaper beer.
That's all anyone cares about.
What about grants? And tutorial fees, and union housing? Or societies? What about them? That's what our policies should be about.
Really? Yes, look, we need to campaign on real issues.
Oh, no, man.
That all sounds a bitdull.
If we're going to do this, we'll do it properly.
Here goes.
Policy number one.
All first years will get access to all the university's best facili .
.
let students get involved in sport .
.
making it an internet media lab .
.
I will dedicate myself .
.
tirelessly and ceaselessly as in my first year .
.
student president.
There.
Finished? Yeah.
Do you want to read it back to me? Read what back? I've just been talking for 45 minutes.
You have been writing it down, haven't you? Oh, you never said.
Shane! Well, what have you been doing? I've been writing jokes for this stand-up comedy set I'm thinking of doing.
Listen to this, right.
What do snails do when they have a fight? They slug it out! Are you joking? Course I am, it's a joke! That's going in.
You have actually just been writing all that nonsense down while I've been dictating our policies? Wow, man - don't hedge around thebush.
Hi! How is it going? Really well, actually.
How about you? Yeah, pretty good.
Just been putting up all the posters and all that jazz.
What do you think? Yeah.
They're all right.
Are you, um Are you doing that this afternoon? Huh? It's not long until the election.
I presume you'll be mounting a big poster campaign? Yeah, that's right.
That's what we're doing this afternoon.
Is it? (Yes.
) Vote for Danny Gordon for president.
Vote for Danny Gordon for first year president! How lucky? You've got a running mate who's a political maestro.
What have you done? It took every penny we had and I had to promise the art department bloke you'd paint his flat, anyway, in return, I got these! "Vote for Danny Gordon.
"Location, location, loca" What does that even mean? What does it mean? It's only the slogan that won for Tony Blair! That was, "Education, education, education.
" Location, location, location means nothing.
It has absolutely no relevance for students voting in a first year election.
Right, don't worry, because that's not all I got.
Look at this.
Huh? That's me naked.
Am I a genius, or what? It's your face fused with the torso of a man with a really good body.
Why did you do this, Shane? No offence - you're spindly - I thought it'd look better on a real man's body No, I mean why did you put a naked version of me on the posters? What were you thinking? Are you mad? Because sex sells, man! Everyone knows that.
That's the mistake these politicians make.
They should put themselves naked on the posters.
It's what Saddam Hussein Obama should have done, then maybe he'd have become President.
It's Barack Hussein Obama, and he is President.
Is he? And there's no way I'm having that up all over the university.
No? No.
Oh.
Don't go that way.
Sorry, did you say that I had to paint some bloke's flat? Yep.
Yep.
Good God.
What's all this about? He's got a whole team working for him.
And, wait a minute, has Figaro had a makeover? He has! He's had his teeth whitened! How are we going to compete with those teeth? Oh! Ah, hey, guys.
Welcome to my boudoir.
Come in.
Come in.
"Vote Danny Gordon.
"Locationlocationlocation.
" What does that mean? Well, what have you got that's so great? Apart from your own brand ofbottled water? I've been working on my manifesto.
And I think you'll agree when you hear it that it's quite the winning formula.
But best of luck, guys.
Let's justease you out there.
Best of luck.
Let me justusher you You know what? We need to get a copy of that manifesto.
What? How? I'm going to go in and I'm going to grab a copy.
That will be a kick in those big beautiful teeth.
No, this is not a good idea.
You just stay here, OK? Don't let anyone in.
Shane! Shane! Sssh! Hi, guys.
It's just, I left my, umhat.
Hey, Scarlet.
How's it going? Um, I just came to see how you're getting on.
Fine, thanks.
I've just got a lot of work to do.
I need to get in the office.
But before you do that, I was just Did I tell you about when I went skinny-dipping with my grandma? What? When I say skinny I was wearing trunks.
"Go, Figaro," right, guys? He seems like a nice guy to me, I think.
I'm definitely voting for Figaro.
The G-force, my face was And it really hurt, and, I'm going to find it hard to do this campaign What are you talking about, Danny? Figaro! Figaro.
Um Anyway, if you see my hat send it toer, my house.
Thanks.
SINGS: Figaro, Figaro, Figaro! What's wrong with you, Danny? I was just Nothing.
I'm just I'm going to I'll see you later.
That was a nightmare.
Did you get it? Not only their entire campaign, but His actual speech! Oh, brilliant.
What does it say? "What do two snails do when they have a fight?" He's stolen my snail joke.
Those are your jokes.
Oh, I must have got them mixed up when I was trying to swap them over.
Brilliant(!) What are we going to do? Well, we'd better get started on our own speech.
Make sure you write it down this time.
Do you have to wear that beret, Shane? Got one for you, if you like.
No, thanks.
Brothers and sisters.
I bring you the Keith Hansom student president elections.
Word! APPLAUSE How are you feeling, big guy? Yeah, I'm OK.
Could you stop doing that, maybe? Sure.
African children I hear your plea Hello, Danny.
Figaro.
So, got some good policies lined up? We have, actually.
Look forward to hearing them.
You will do, when we do the speech.
Glad to hear it.
I'm so glad that you're glad.
Goody gumdrops.
African children Keith gonna set you free You all right, Danny? I saw those posters.
That was an interesting decision.
You saw those? Yeah, they're, like, all over campus.
Anywaygood luck.
I thought I told you not to put those up! I know, you did, but I'd put up a few just before you decided that.
And how many is a few? Two or three hundred.
200 or 300? Yeah.
African children Singing, thank you, Keith To me.
KEITH SNIFFS So I said to myself, "Keith, "you can save children in Africa.
"You can bring free and fair elections to this university.
" So I camped outside the chancellor's office for two days with just my guitar and an Aboriginal pipe, and I sang, "Open the free elections, open the free elections!" And behold, brothers and sisters, let me present the first candidates, Danny Gordon, with his running mate, Shane Mackay.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Come on! Stop it.
Sorry.
Just over-excited, man.
You're just going to have to calm down and give me the speech.
Huh? The speech? Oh, right.
Yeah.
In your own time! Hurry up.
The crowd are getting restless.
All right, hold your horses.
It'll be here somewhere.
DANNY CLEARS HIS THROA What do snails do when they havea fight? Slug it out.
HE SNIGGERS AUDIENCE GROANS No? Where's the speech? I must have left it at home.
What am I going to do? Just wing it, man.
Tonight, friends .
.
I'm going to talk to you about real issues.
Like .
.
who thinks there should be more fruit in the canteen? Remember, an apple a day keeps that doctor away.
You're losing them, mate.
Who thinks we should have better access to student areas for people with physical difficulties? Who wants cheaper beer? AUDIENCE CHEERS Well, we'll have compulsory pub crawls for all students.
CHEERING And we'll demand that all students will have to do less coursework and get longer holidays.
CHEERING But, but But, more importantly, guys, voting for us means you'll be voting for this guy.
OK? Now, I know he's not much to look at.
I know that.
All right? I know he may look like a thin, weak, puny .
.
pathetic! All right.
.
.
pre-pubescent man-child, but inside, he has the heartof a giant pig! LAUGHTER Yeah, and as your student president, he will make sure that no first year will ever have to go without beer or curry again! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you! Yes! Yes! Love you, guys! Vote Danny Gordon! Location, location, location.
That was a nightmare.
It was when you were going on about disability and all that rubbish.
Lucky I pulled it back from the brink.
Told you I knew about politics.
That's not politics.
That's getting people to vote for you by coming out with promises we have absolutely no way of keeping.
Yeah, that's politics.
Thought that was an interesting speech.
Especially that bit about the snails.
Yes, well, you have to have a little bit of humour, don't you? Oh, is that what it was? Didn't realise.
Um, anyway, whatever else happens, at least this election has given Scarlet and I a chance to really kind of get to know each other.
Let's just say, I look forward to Scarlet and I working togethervery closely.
Well, you'll have to win first.
I think this manifesto will take us to victory.
Have a goosey gander at that.
These policies are pretty good.
Rubbish.
I bet he doesn't even mention cheaper beer.
Um Oh, we're screwed.
OK! Oh! Hi, Weirder, Wendy.
How's the election going? Not great, unfortunately.
This guy is pretty good.
I think he might win.
Don't worry, I'll sort him out.
I thought I told you not to do that.
I know, but you look very tense.
Ow.
You owe me one.
Next up, we have Scarlet and Figaro.
ECHOING: Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro CHEERING AND APPLAUSE FIGARO CLEARS HIS THROA I stand before you this evening, ladies and gents, because I believe I am the best candidate for the position Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not the best candidate.
No way.
SHOCKED GASPS I'm probably the worst candidate.
On balance.
I don't even know what I'm doing here.
I mean, look at me.
Look at the threads! They're barmy! Who'd want to vote for me?! Eh? I'd do a terrible job, I'd do a blooming awful job, and I wouldn't even do it for the right reasons.
I'd be doing it for this for that.
LAUGHTER (Pull yourself together.
) I can't! I can't! I will not This whole thing is a big, enormous sham.
These aren't even my real teeth.
No, no.
Not now.
I told you! I'm a fraud.
I'm a fraud.
Do you hear me? A fraud! AUDIENCE BOOS ALL: Off, off, off, off! Off, off, off, off! Off, off, off, off! Off, off, off, off! Off, off, off, off! Off, off, off, off! It hurts! Are you OK? No, I'm not.
Did you see what happened to Figaro up there? He totally fell apart! Stupid idiot.
We worked so hard on this campaign.
What the hell would have happened to make him throw it away like that? I mean, I want to get into politics, Danny.
This is my career.
Oh, this is totally screwed up.
You guys wanna go away somewhere this weekend? No.
No? Fair enough.
Hey, guys.
I've been monitoring everything, and there don't seem to be any irregularities, so keep it under your hats till I make the official announcement, but it looks like you've got the voice of the people behind you, President Gordon.
Woo-hoo! My friend KEITH SPEAKS IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE We did it, man! What say we invite those girls back to our place for a wee bit of celebration? We can't do it.
We'll go to a bar.
I don't really care.
I mean I can't be president.
We have to pull out.
What you talking about, crazy man? The only reason they're voting for us is cos you promised that nonsense, and then because of Weird Bloke hypnotising Figaro.
Who cares?! This is the presidency.
This is power and fame and women and glory and money andwomen! It's the first year student election and it's cheating, It's stupid, I don't want anything to do with it.
I want Figaro and Scarlet to win.
Danny, please.
OK, if we win, there's a good chance we might hook up with women! I'm sorry.
Danny, stop.
Get off.
Brothers and sisters.
The winners of this year's student president election are ALL: Fight, fight, fight, fight! Fight, fight, fight, fight! Shame on you! You leave me no option but to disqualify you.
What?! You can't do that! I can.
Sorry about that.
The new winners of this year's student elections are Figaro and Scarlet.
CHEERING AND BOOING Thanks.
Thank you.
Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I hope you're proud of yourself.
I am, actually.
Once is better than a lifetime Once is better than a whole long side When you catch it in the humble life He can get it in the after He can hold it in the older while When the back of her
What are you What are you doing here? I came to apologise, for ruining your Halloween party.
Oh, really? I think I might have come across as a little aggressive.
Well, maybe just a tad.
I'm not really like that.
OK.
I've been coming in here every night and justsitting here, watching you sleep.
And this is the first time you've woken up.
Come into my room.
I want to show you something.
HE GASPS Oh, that's Oscar.
OOscar? Oscar's Pete's brother.
Pete's the one I left for you.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks for that.
I like to practise collect birds to practise my taxidermy.
Oh, right.
I lay traps for them in the woods.
So you kill them first? No.
Here, look.
Let me show you something.
I haven't enacted them yet, but the likeness is pretty good, don't you think? So, if there's anyone you want to hurt or anything like that, just let me know, OK? OK, will do.
You look sort of stressed, Danny.
Would you like to be under hypnosis? It might help you relax.
Um, no, that's OK, thanks.
I'm very good at it.
Sometimes I can people put people under without them even knowing about it.
You have to leave now.
Right.
Wait! My name's Wendy, by the way.
Now go.
Right now, this second.
Aaah! Morning, gorgeous.
Wow, you look awful! That's because I barely slept.
Why not? I'll tell you why not.
Because of Weird Bloke.
He She came into my room in the middle of the night.
Oh, yeah? She's really freaking me out.
She took me into her room and she showed me all these voodoo dolls of all of us.
Oh, my God! Is that why I've got this itchy leg? I don't think so.
So then what happened? Then she licked my face and told me to get out.
She licked your face?! You're so lucky, man! No, I'm not lucky.
Shane, she is completely insane.
Yeah, but you got to admit, Weird Bloke is fit.
Anyway, look.
This will take your mind off it.
Check that out! "Russian Cossack Dancing Society.
Join this week for half price.
" Wow, thanks(!) Not that.
This.
"Election for first year president.
" Yeah! So? "So?" What do you mean, "so?" I mean, so what? I'll tell you what so what.
This is politics, my friend, OK? With politics comes power.
With power comes glory.
And with glory comes ladies! What are you saying? You're going to run for president so you get girls? Exactly! More precisely, you'll run for president, with me as your running mate.
I'll run for president so that you can get girls? Right, yeah.
Right, there's a few problems with this, Shane.
What? OK, for one thing, why would anyone vote for us? What are you talking about? Everyone knows who we are.
So? Everyone knows who Robert Mugabe is.
Exactly, and he's always getting voted in, isn't he? That's because his people use torture and intimidation to win him votes.
I don't think we should do that, man, it's only a student election.
Anyway, secondly, we don't have any policies.
Not important.
Really? I thought policies were important in politics.
No, they just weigh you down.
All you need to do is work the system and twist it to your advantage.
I don't know.
It all sounds a bit wrong.
Come on, man, it'll be brilliant! Maybe we can consult Fred.
Didn't he have an internship at the House of Lords? Yeah, but he's out all day.
He's doing a gig on the Jools Holland show.
What? I know, don't ask.
It's a miracle You move so fast The way you dance for me Then just speak up.
KNOCK AT DOOR Figaro.
Hello.
Here to see Scarlet.
Why? Because we've got business, that's why.
Hi, how's it going? Pretty good, thanks, babe.
How are you? Really good.
You ready? Yeah, I'll just grab my bag.
Cool.
What kind of business have you got with Scarlet? If you must know, I'm running for first year president, and Scarlet's my running mate.
You don't have a problem with that, do you, mate? Why would I have a problem with that? All right? Oh, sorry, Shane.
This is Figaro.
He's on my course.
Figaro.
So, what is that - a first name or a surname? It's neither.
It's like a brand name.
DANNY MOUTHS What, seriously? Yeah, like, you know, Bono Sting Meatloaf? No, that's my Er Scarlet? Mm? Are you running with Figaro for first year president? Yeah, why? Well, that's weird.
Because so are we.
SHE LAUGHS What, you two? Yeah.
What's so funny? What do you know about politics? We knowwhat we need to know.
What, nothing? That's right.
You don't need to know anything in politics, do you? Look at George W.
Bush.
Yeah.
He didn't know anything and he almost became President.
He was President.
Was he? Yeah, for eight years.
Well, there you go.
Don't worry, Scarlet, if this is our stiffest competition, I don't think we're going to have too much trouble.
Well, that's your opinion.
See you later, yeah? At least we've got two names! Each! Yeah! You really need to work on your comebacks, man.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah.
We should back out.
No.
No, no, no.
I'm not thinking that.
I'm thinking that we are going to enter this election, and what's more, we're going to win.
'Doors closing.
' It's going to be great, man.
We're going to wipe the smirk of Figaro's face.
Yes, we are.
Yeah.
Where are you going? Who, us? Yeah.
We're running for I wasn't asking you.
Oh, sorry.
Yes.
I'm standing for first year president.
I see.
'Doors closing.
' What are you doing? Pressing some buttons.
Are you in a hurry or something? No.
Yeah.
No.
Just leave it.
OK.
Look, Danny.
I carry you with me everywhere I go.
Good luck in the election.
Thanks.
'Doors opening.
' She is totally stalking you.
She's a complete freak.
What did you just say? A complete frefree spirit.
I think you're a completely free spirit and that it's great and your clothes are wicked 'Doors closing.
' It's just so weird.
Why would Scarlet have any interest in someone like Figaro? I don't know.
Maybe he smells nice, all right? Blimey, the way you're going on, anyone would think you fancy Scarlet.
Why are you saying I fancy Scarlet? No one said anything about that.
Fancying Scarletridiculous.
Anyway All right, OK, so whatpolicies have we got so far? Ernone.
But we do have a slogan.
Want to hear it? OK, go on.
OK.
Vote for Danny Gordon for first year student president, and a great new era of fun, frolics and entertainment - an end to the boring stuff you associate with politics, which is unnecessary.
Could we have something shorter? Could lose the first bit.
The bit that says, "Vote for Danny Gordon?" Mmm, maybe not.
Shane.
We're running an election in two days, and we don't have a slogan and we definitely do not have any policies.
I've got it figured out.
We'll just say we're campaigning for cheaper beer.
That's all anyone cares about.
What about grants? And tutorial fees, and union housing? Or societies? What about them? That's what our policies should be about.
Really? Yes, look, we need to campaign on real issues.
Oh, no, man.
That all sounds a bitdull.
If we're going to do this, we'll do it properly.
Here goes.
Policy number one.
All first years will get access to all the university's best facili .
.
let students get involved in sport .
.
making it an internet media lab .
.
I will dedicate myself .
.
tirelessly and ceaselessly as in my first year .
.
student president.
There.
Finished? Yeah.
Do you want to read it back to me? Read what back? I've just been talking for 45 minutes.
You have been writing it down, haven't you? Oh, you never said.
Shane! Well, what have you been doing? I've been writing jokes for this stand-up comedy set I'm thinking of doing.
Listen to this, right.
What do snails do when they have a fight? They slug it out! Are you joking? Course I am, it's a joke! That's going in.
You have actually just been writing all that nonsense down while I've been dictating our policies? Wow, man - don't hedge around thebush.
Hi! How is it going? Really well, actually.
How about you? Yeah, pretty good.
Just been putting up all the posters and all that jazz.
What do you think? Yeah.
They're all right.
Are you, um Are you doing that this afternoon? Huh? It's not long until the election.
I presume you'll be mounting a big poster campaign? Yeah, that's right.
That's what we're doing this afternoon.
Is it? (Yes.
) Vote for Danny Gordon for president.
Vote for Danny Gordon for first year president! How lucky? You've got a running mate who's a political maestro.
What have you done? It took every penny we had and I had to promise the art department bloke you'd paint his flat, anyway, in return, I got these! "Vote for Danny Gordon.
"Location, location, loca" What does that even mean? What does it mean? It's only the slogan that won for Tony Blair! That was, "Education, education, education.
" Location, location, location means nothing.
It has absolutely no relevance for students voting in a first year election.
Right, don't worry, because that's not all I got.
Look at this.
Huh? That's me naked.
Am I a genius, or what? It's your face fused with the torso of a man with a really good body.
Why did you do this, Shane? No offence - you're spindly - I thought it'd look better on a real man's body No, I mean why did you put a naked version of me on the posters? What were you thinking? Are you mad? Because sex sells, man! Everyone knows that.
That's the mistake these politicians make.
They should put themselves naked on the posters.
It's what Saddam Hussein Obama should have done, then maybe he'd have become President.
It's Barack Hussein Obama, and he is President.
Is he? And there's no way I'm having that up all over the university.
No? No.
Oh.
Don't go that way.
Sorry, did you say that I had to paint some bloke's flat? Yep.
Yep.
Good God.
What's all this about? He's got a whole team working for him.
And, wait a minute, has Figaro had a makeover? He has! He's had his teeth whitened! How are we going to compete with those teeth? Oh! Ah, hey, guys.
Welcome to my boudoir.
Come in.
Come in.
"Vote Danny Gordon.
"Locationlocationlocation.
" What does that mean? Well, what have you got that's so great? Apart from your own brand ofbottled water? I've been working on my manifesto.
And I think you'll agree when you hear it that it's quite the winning formula.
But best of luck, guys.
Let's justease you out there.
Best of luck.
Let me justusher you You know what? We need to get a copy of that manifesto.
What? How? I'm going to go in and I'm going to grab a copy.
That will be a kick in those big beautiful teeth.
No, this is not a good idea.
You just stay here, OK? Don't let anyone in.
Shane! Shane! Sssh! Hi, guys.
It's just, I left my, umhat.
Hey, Scarlet.
How's it going? Um, I just came to see how you're getting on.
Fine, thanks.
I've just got a lot of work to do.
I need to get in the office.
But before you do that, I was just Did I tell you about when I went skinny-dipping with my grandma? What? When I say skinny I was wearing trunks.
"Go, Figaro," right, guys? He seems like a nice guy to me, I think.
I'm definitely voting for Figaro.
The G-force, my face was And it really hurt, and, I'm going to find it hard to do this campaign What are you talking about, Danny? Figaro! Figaro.
Um Anyway, if you see my hat send it toer, my house.
Thanks.
SINGS: Figaro, Figaro, Figaro! What's wrong with you, Danny? I was just Nothing.
I'm just I'm going to I'll see you later.
That was a nightmare.
Did you get it? Not only their entire campaign, but His actual speech! Oh, brilliant.
What does it say? "What do two snails do when they have a fight?" He's stolen my snail joke.
Those are your jokes.
Oh, I must have got them mixed up when I was trying to swap them over.
Brilliant(!) What are we going to do? Well, we'd better get started on our own speech.
Make sure you write it down this time.
Do you have to wear that beret, Shane? Got one for you, if you like.
No, thanks.
Brothers and sisters.
I bring you the Keith Hansom student president elections.
Word! APPLAUSE How are you feeling, big guy? Yeah, I'm OK.
Could you stop doing that, maybe? Sure.
African children I hear your plea Hello, Danny.
Figaro.
So, got some good policies lined up? We have, actually.
Look forward to hearing them.
You will do, when we do the speech.
Glad to hear it.
I'm so glad that you're glad.
Goody gumdrops.
African children Keith gonna set you free You all right, Danny? I saw those posters.
That was an interesting decision.
You saw those? Yeah, they're, like, all over campus.
Anywaygood luck.
I thought I told you not to put those up! I know, you did, but I'd put up a few just before you decided that.
And how many is a few? Two or three hundred.
200 or 300? Yeah.
African children Singing, thank you, Keith To me.
KEITH SNIFFS So I said to myself, "Keith, "you can save children in Africa.
"You can bring free and fair elections to this university.
" So I camped outside the chancellor's office for two days with just my guitar and an Aboriginal pipe, and I sang, "Open the free elections, open the free elections!" And behold, brothers and sisters, let me present the first candidates, Danny Gordon, with his running mate, Shane Mackay.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Come on! Stop it.
Sorry.
Just over-excited, man.
You're just going to have to calm down and give me the speech.
Huh? The speech? Oh, right.
Yeah.
In your own time! Hurry up.
The crowd are getting restless.
All right, hold your horses.
It'll be here somewhere.
DANNY CLEARS HIS THROA What do snails do when they havea fight? Slug it out.
HE SNIGGERS AUDIENCE GROANS No? Where's the speech? I must have left it at home.
What am I going to do? Just wing it, man.
Tonight, friends .
.
I'm going to talk to you about real issues.
Like .
.
who thinks there should be more fruit in the canteen? Remember, an apple a day keeps that doctor away.
You're losing them, mate.
Who thinks we should have better access to student areas for people with physical difficulties? Who wants cheaper beer? AUDIENCE CHEERS Well, we'll have compulsory pub crawls for all students.
CHEERING And we'll demand that all students will have to do less coursework and get longer holidays.
CHEERING But, but But, more importantly, guys, voting for us means you'll be voting for this guy.
OK? Now, I know he's not much to look at.
I know that.
All right? I know he may look like a thin, weak, puny .
.
pathetic! All right.
.
.
pre-pubescent man-child, but inside, he has the heartof a giant pig! LAUGHTER Yeah, and as your student president, he will make sure that no first year will ever have to go without beer or curry again! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you! Yes! Yes! Love you, guys! Vote Danny Gordon! Location, location, location.
That was a nightmare.
It was when you were going on about disability and all that rubbish.
Lucky I pulled it back from the brink.
Told you I knew about politics.
That's not politics.
That's getting people to vote for you by coming out with promises we have absolutely no way of keeping.
Yeah, that's politics.
Thought that was an interesting speech.
Especially that bit about the snails.
Yes, well, you have to have a little bit of humour, don't you? Oh, is that what it was? Didn't realise.
Um, anyway, whatever else happens, at least this election has given Scarlet and I a chance to really kind of get to know each other.
Let's just say, I look forward to Scarlet and I working togethervery closely.
Well, you'll have to win first.
I think this manifesto will take us to victory.
Have a goosey gander at that.
These policies are pretty good.
Rubbish.
I bet he doesn't even mention cheaper beer.
Um Oh, we're screwed.
OK! Oh! Hi, Weirder, Wendy.
How's the election going? Not great, unfortunately.
This guy is pretty good.
I think he might win.
Don't worry, I'll sort him out.
I thought I told you not to do that.
I know, but you look very tense.
Ow.
You owe me one.
Next up, we have Scarlet and Figaro.
ECHOING: Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro CHEERING AND APPLAUSE FIGARO CLEARS HIS THROA I stand before you this evening, ladies and gents, because I believe I am the best candidate for the position Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not the best candidate.
No way.
SHOCKED GASPS I'm probably the worst candidate.
On balance.
I don't even know what I'm doing here.
I mean, look at me.
Look at the threads! They're barmy! Who'd want to vote for me?! Eh? I'd do a terrible job, I'd do a blooming awful job, and I wouldn't even do it for the right reasons.
I'd be doing it for this for that.
LAUGHTER (Pull yourself together.
) I can't! I can't! I will not This whole thing is a big, enormous sham.
These aren't even my real teeth.
No, no.
Not now.
I told you! I'm a fraud.
I'm a fraud.
Do you hear me? A fraud! AUDIENCE BOOS ALL: Off, off, off, off! Off, off, off, off! Off, off, off, off! Off, off, off, off! Off, off, off, off! Off, off, off, off! It hurts! Are you OK? No, I'm not.
Did you see what happened to Figaro up there? He totally fell apart! Stupid idiot.
We worked so hard on this campaign.
What the hell would have happened to make him throw it away like that? I mean, I want to get into politics, Danny.
This is my career.
Oh, this is totally screwed up.
You guys wanna go away somewhere this weekend? No.
No? Fair enough.
Hey, guys.
I've been monitoring everything, and there don't seem to be any irregularities, so keep it under your hats till I make the official announcement, but it looks like you've got the voice of the people behind you, President Gordon.
Woo-hoo! My friend KEITH SPEAKS IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE We did it, man! What say we invite those girls back to our place for a wee bit of celebration? We can't do it.
We'll go to a bar.
I don't really care.
I mean I can't be president.
We have to pull out.
What you talking about, crazy man? The only reason they're voting for us is cos you promised that nonsense, and then because of Weird Bloke hypnotising Figaro.
Who cares?! This is the presidency.
This is power and fame and women and glory and money andwomen! It's the first year student election and it's cheating, It's stupid, I don't want anything to do with it.
I want Figaro and Scarlet to win.
Danny, please.
OK, if we win, there's a good chance we might hook up with women! I'm sorry.
Danny, stop.
Get off.
Brothers and sisters.
The winners of this year's student president election are ALL: Fight, fight, fight, fight! Fight, fight, fight, fight! Shame on you! You leave me no option but to disqualify you.
What?! You can't do that! I can.
Sorry about that.
The new winners of this year's student elections are Figaro and Scarlet.
CHEERING AND BOOING Thanks.
Thank you.
Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I hope you're proud of yourself.
I am, actually.
Once is better than a lifetime Once is better than a whole long side When you catch it in the humble life He can get it in the after He can hold it in the older while When the back of her