One Foot in the Grave (1990) s04e01 Episode Script
The Pit and the Pendulum
# They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed # But I have not yet quite gone to seed # I may be over the hill now that I have retired # Fading away but I've not yet expired # Clapped out, run down, too old to save # One foot in the grave # (TELEPHONE RINGING) (ANSWERING MACHINE) Hello? Margaret? This is your mum speaking.
I'm sorry that I'm not here now, but that's because I'm somewhere else.
I say, I'm somewhere else! But I expect you'll both be up here soon, won't you, the pair of you? So I'll see you then.
Hello? (BEEPING) Hello, Mum It's Wednesday, about 6:00 I'm just ringing to say that all being well, we'll be up there Sunday afternoon about 3:00, but I'll speak to you soon Bye-bye Any luck? How did it go? Yes, very well, surprisingly I see the Wild Man of Borneo's had another good day in the garden Quicker using a trained lugworm at this rate Well, who got him in? Not me There was no necessity for it in the first place There's every necessity with their bloody tree next door sucking all the moisture out of our garden like an elephant's trunk Get his roots chopped off on our side, we might be able to grow something out there again He's charged me for one guppy too many here Oh, no, I tell a lie He hasn't So how did you get on at The Herald offices? Did you get that job on the packing-bench or what? They're going to ring me up and let me know tomorrow They say I have to be sure to be in between 9:00 and 1 :00 Oh, well, that sounds hopeful, doesn't it? I hope you're going to have the decency to take the dead ones out first this time Yes, I am Where's the tea strainer? Good grief That's 1 2 7 of those things you've managed to kill off now Never known anything like it since biblical times You flattened 1 2 in one go when you dropped that rock in the tank It's just teething troubles, that's all I think I know what I'm doing wrong now Fish have a better life expectancy in the Co-op freezer than they do in that thing Oh, and can we please not flush them down the toilet this time? 'Cause half the bloody things come floating back up again Yes Anyway, everything's under control now I've just got a few more adjustments to make to this airflow and they'll be fine By the way, I phoned Mum this afternoon She's beginning to get the hang of that answering machine more now I don't really know why you got one for her in the first place You know she never goes far She might go a bit further if she stopped growing runner beans up her Zimmer frame I said we would pop up there Sunday afternoon Battier by the minute Went over there the other week, she was slicing wax fruit on to her All-Bran Says it keeps her regular Keeps her regular? So does a stick of dynamite up your Shh I can hear them talking next door Where's that glass? God spare us Here we go again They're talking about us I just caught the words ''arsehole think he's playing at'' It's gone quiet I wonder what's happening? Loopy as the day is long That's five lots of them he's brought home in the last week Wouldn't be surprised if he's eating them on Ritz crackers Am I going to get my spaghetti jar back again tonight or what? Well, what with that and our friend homo erectus out the back, you never know what you're going to see there next -Homo erectus? -Hmm I imagine he must live in a cave quite nearby somewhere Comes out for a few hours each day to lumber round Meldrew's garden with a shovel in his fist I'm not quite sure why If you're talking about that workman next door, I think he looks cute Cute? I've never seen so much hair growing down someone's back in all my life He could blow-dry his bottom every morning at that rate I tell you, if he damages that cherry tree, there'll be all hell to pay Here you go Come on I wonder why he only eats cat food? Don't look at me He's your baby substitute What's that supposed to mean? I got him for you Yes Of course you did (ON TV) Wonder what the weather's gonna be like.
Tania? sunny elsewhere but hopefully there should be some bright spells tonight.
Yo! How's it hanging, Mr Meldrew, okay? Sorry I didn't get very far yesterday I had a slight problem with the dehydration Had to let it breathe overnight, get some precipitation in your sub-soil And how is it this morning? Marvellous this morning Here, look Yielding straight away, that is See for yourself Yeah Does feel a bit more supple than usual You see what I'm saying about your moisture content? -Yes -Yeah Try keeping it on the plastic sheeting if you can, Mr Meldrew Oh, right Yes, sorry (SNEEZES) All right, Love Queen Is it a wonderful, wicked morning or what? Hello How are you today? As ever, darling, with a song in my heart and a tongue in my ear I couldn't be happier Bet that's hard work, digging down all that way with just a shovel I tried it once with a pneumatic drill, but it kept giving me orgasms Had to stop What? What the bloody hell am I doing? I'm supposed to be paying you to do this, for God's sake! So just bloody well get back in there and get on with it Absolutely, Mr Meldrew, no problems Be right on it That's absolutely disgusting! MARGARET: And give my love to your mummy and thanks again Now, you be careful crossing the road, both of you, won't you? Bye-bye (DOOR CLOSING) Who was that? I thought you'd gone Well, I was just getting into the car when Mrs Aylesbury's children came running across with this Said they'd brought it back to us from Westward Ho! as a present Bless them Oh, yes, the very thing I was about to add to my Christmas present list, a sack full of seaweed It's to add to your new fish tank Wasn't that thoughtful? Yes, very thoughtful, loading half the North Atlantic into a rubbish bag There's barnacles and God knows whatnot in here Oh, and hang on I think I can just see Hans and Lotte Hass down the bottom as well I've got to go What time did they say they'd ring about that job? Before 1 :00, but that will only be if I've got it Oh, well, I'll keep my fingers crossed and I may ring you later Bye-bye Bye (CHAINSAW BUZZING) (GIRLS GIGGLING) Yo, Mr Meldrew GIRL: Oh, my God! (LAUGHING) Quarter to bloody 1 :00 Ring for God's sake, can't you? Well, that's that, then Another one down the Swannee Must have needed my head examined to think they'd ring in the first place What did I come up here for? (TELEPHONE RINGING) Oh, I don't believe it Come on Come on Come on! I had to drink three bloody cups of coffee Why didn't I bring up an elastic band? Come on, you bloody Yes! Hang on! Just one more second! What? No, they haven't No, not yet Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Would you please get off the phone in case they do? Yes, I'll talk to you later Yes, right, bye Here, boy Come on Here, boy Denzil? (WHISTLING) Here, boy (CHAINSAW BUZZING) Is he out there? I can't see him, no Stop worrying If he was going to run away from home, I'm sure he'd have left you a note Perhaps I'll just take one more look in the airing cupboard Look at that Why is it every time you spend half an hour trying to pick them apart, there's always a bloody two-page advert for Peugeot? I completely wasted four seconds of my life doing that (TELEPHONE RINGING) Where the bloody hell did you come from? Bugger off Really? Well, yes, of course Yes, thank you very much Yes, thank you very much indeed Well, who would have thought it? Get your bloody nose out of that bread bin! Where's he got to this morning? I've done some fried mushrooms with this as well Is that okay? That's fabby-fab, Mrs Meldrew The more the merrier By the way, I hope you didn't mind me opening up a tin of talcum powder while I was up there, only I'm allergic to the Sainsbury's See how rough my skin gets? -Up there -Oh, yes -Yes, shocking Yeah -Yes, that's a bit on the flaky side, eh? Excuse me! Oh, morning, Mr Meldrew How's it hanging? Terrific morning, isn't it? Never mind how it's hanging What the hell's all this about? We opened a seaside guest house here, have we now? Mr Kazanzi's water was cut off this morning Well, I don't imagine you'd want to start the morning without having a bath or something to eat I'll go and put some toast on for you How would you like it? Like my women, golden, hot and covered in marmalade Oh! I thought you said this was going to be one day's work out there No probbies, Mr Meldrew Be done by lunch time, maximum Thanks -Coffee? -Lovely, thanks What's that? (MARGARET GIGGLING) What the hell's this in aid of? ''Sealed with a loving kiss from Tina, Marilyn and Trish ''You can come round and get dirty in our garden any time'' You can come round and get dirty Oh, I don't know School girls, what would you do with them? It must be wonderful to be so popular I know, I'll send them a 1 2-inch ruler as a measure of my affections Yes! Well, thank you very much indeed! When I want to have breakfast with Hale and Pace, I'll let you know You still here? I thought you had to go to the bank this morning And don't forget you start work at 3:00 this afternoon Right Well, I'll just leave you both to it, then Bye-bye, Mr Meldrew Be groovy! I wonder how they knew my size Oh, cut it out (MARGARET GIGGLING) (CHAINSAW BUZZING) Unbelievable Two bloody hours just to see a sodding bank manager Why does everything have to end up in such a rush? KAZANZI: Off! Off! God's sake! (CHUCKLING) For God's sake, what did you do, spray these on this morning? -Stop moaning and just pull -I am pulling What the bloody hell's going on in here? Hello, Mr Meldrew I thought you was going to be out all day So it would bloody well appear I mean, what is this, a hostel for sex maniacs? I mean, why didn't you tell me? I'd have had a contraceptive machine put in the downstairs toilet for you -Hey, look, calm down -Come on, you little tart, out with you -Where did he pick you up, dial-a-nympho? -You're hurting my arm Oi, oi, oi! Come here! She's not a little tart -Dad -MELDREW: Ow! Ow! You wanna get heavy with the young lady here, do you? Dad! Dad, look I'm okay It's nothing Don't lose your temper with him, please You'll only regret it later like you always do I'm not gonna regret nothing, Susan Here, open the back door Open the back door now! Right, you, outside ''Dear Mrs Meldrew, have filled in the hole now ''Hope it is to your satisfaction It certainly is to mine'' Margaret? Victor? Well, what are you doing? What am I doing? I'm wallpapering the spare bedroom What the bloody hell does it look as if I'm doing? Not very much Oh, for What on earth happened? It wasn't my fault I came home to find him groping some half-naked female on the floor What was I supposed to think? Half-naked You don't mean his daughter? She dropped by to give him a hand just after you'd left I said they could both use the bathroom to clean up when they'd finished Oh, Victor God What have you done this time? -Blow my nose! -What? Stop standing there wittering and blow my nose I think I'm going to sneeze Oh God, what are we going to do? What do you suggest we do? Spread some fertiliser round my neck and wait till I come up in the spring? I'm not going to stay like this forever, am I? I feel like a bloody ball on the penalty spot He's packed it rock hard all around me You'll just have to start digging (PEOPLE TALKING) Who's that? Oh, it's Patrick and Pippa I'll get them to give me a hand Don't you bloody dare Let him see me like this? I'll never live it down You don't know it was him PATRICK: Mrs Meldrew, the very person -Patrick -Oh, hello You both, erbeen out somewhere? Yes, just up to the hospital You know, to have a hermit crab surgically removed from my testicles -I beg your pardon -Well, I say hermit crab, it wasn't demonstrating much in the way of hermitude when it popped into my shorts earlier on for lunch and fastened itself to my scrotum like a bulldog clip How did this happen? Well, I've only got myself to blame on that one, I'm afraid It's the old, old story I remembered to apply the sunscreen, but completely forgot to smear my groin with crab repellent and, inevitably, I paid the price Your eyes look very red -Yes, well they would do, wouldn't they? -Patrick, come on Makes you wonder where things like that come from, doesn't it? Doesn't it, Mrs Meldrew? Yes, doesn't it? Changing the subject altogether, how's Mr Meldrew getting on with his collection of exotic marine wildlife? No escaped specimens to report, anything like that? No No, I don't think so (TELEPHONE RINGING) Oh, I'm sorry, but I think that's my phone Would you excuse me, please, both of you? Yes, Margaret, see you later Come on, Patrick, indoors (VICTOR SNEEZING) Afternoon There was a bit of mix-up with the workman, actually Was there? Yeah, and One of those stupid things, you know Yes Yes, I do indeed, Mr Meldrew Oh, God! Fan-bloody marvellous! What am I going to tell them at The Herald? ''I'm sorry I never came into work but, unfortunately, ''I was buried up to my neck in a heap of rotting'' What is it now? Who was that? It was Mrs Reynolds, who lives next door to Mum She said she went round there this afternoon with her pension and found her dead in the armchair Said they reckoned she'd been like that for five days just sitting there with her knitting in her lap Telephone answering machine had been left on since Monday Oh, God Sorry Yes Well I'll get a shovel Still not sure about that It was all right at her place, but I'm not sure about ours Grandparents had one I always remember as a child being scared stiff that if the pendulum stopped, it meant I was gonna die Used just to sit and stare at it for hours in case it suddenly stopped swinging, like waiting for your heart to stop And did it? Nope, and I'm still here Oh, we might as well keep this You can always switch it on when you go to the loo (ANSWERING MACHINE) Hello? Margaret? This is your mum speaking.
I'm sorry that I'm not here now, but that's because I'm somewhere else.
I say, I'm somewhere else! But I expect you'll both be up here soon, won't you, the pair of you? So I'll see you then.
Hello? (BEEPING) Well, that's cheered me up no end, I must say Are you all right? Yes, I'll just go through that tomorrow, I think Are you coming up? Yes, I might as well Not yet, you don't, matey! # They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # I've started to deteriorate #And now I've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # I have to pop my teeth in to chew #And my old knees have started to knock # I've just got too many miles on the clock # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # It's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #
I'm sorry that I'm not here now, but that's because I'm somewhere else.
I say, I'm somewhere else! But I expect you'll both be up here soon, won't you, the pair of you? So I'll see you then.
Hello? (BEEPING) Hello, Mum It's Wednesday, about 6:00 I'm just ringing to say that all being well, we'll be up there Sunday afternoon about 3:00, but I'll speak to you soon Bye-bye Any luck? How did it go? Yes, very well, surprisingly I see the Wild Man of Borneo's had another good day in the garden Quicker using a trained lugworm at this rate Well, who got him in? Not me There was no necessity for it in the first place There's every necessity with their bloody tree next door sucking all the moisture out of our garden like an elephant's trunk Get his roots chopped off on our side, we might be able to grow something out there again He's charged me for one guppy too many here Oh, no, I tell a lie He hasn't So how did you get on at The Herald offices? Did you get that job on the packing-bench or what? They're going to ring me up and let me know tomorrow They say I have to be sure to be in between 9:00 and 1 :00 Oh, well, that sounds hopeful, doesn't it? I hope you're going to have the decency to take the dead ones out first this time Yes, I am Where's the tea strainer? Good grief That's 1 2 7 of those things you've managed to kill off now Never known anything like it since biblical times You flattened 1 2 in one go when you dropped that rock in the tank It's just teething troubles, that's all I think I know what I'm doing wrong now Fish have a better life expectancy in the Co-op freezer than they do in that thing Oh, and can we please not flush them down the toilet this time? 'Cause half the bloody things come floating back up again Yes Anyway, everything's under control now I've just got a few more adjustments to make to this airflow and they'll be fine By the way, I phoned Mum this afternoon She's beginning to get the hang of that answering machine more now I don't really know why you got one for her in the first place You know she never goes far She might go a bit further if she stopped growing runner beans up her Zimmer frame I said we would pop up there Sunday afternoon Battier by the minute Went over there the other week, she was slicing wax fruit on to her All-Bran Says it keeps her regular Keeps her regular? So does a stick of dynamite up your Shh I can hear them talking next door Where's that glass? God spare us Here we go again They're talking about us I just caught the words ''arsehole think he's playing at'' It's gone quiet I wonder what's happening? Loopy as the day is long That's five lots of them he's brought home in the last week Wouldn't be surprised if he's eating them on Ritz crackers Am I going to get my spaghetti jar back again tonight or what? Well, what with that and our friend homo erectus out the back, you never know what you're going to see there next -Homo erectus? -Hmm I imagine he must live in a cave quite nearby somewhere Comes out for a few hours each day to lumber round Meldrew's garden with a shovel in his fist I'm not quite sure why If you're talking about that workman next door, I think he looks cute Cute? I've never seen so much hair growing down someone's back in all my life He could blow-dry his bottom every morning at that rate I tell you, if he damages that cherry tree, there'll be all hell to pay Here you go Come on I wonder why he only eats cat food? Don't look at me He's your baby substitute What's that supposed to mean? I got him for you Yes Of course you did (ON TV) Wonder what the weather's gonna be like.
Tania? sunny elsewhere but hopefully there should be some bright spells tonight.
Yo! How's it hanging, Mr Meldrew, okay? Sorry I didn't get very far yesterday I had a slight problem with the dehydration Had to let it breathe overnight, get some precipitation in your sub-soil And how is it this morning? Marvellous this morning Here, look Yielding straight away, that is See for yourself Yeah Does feel a bit more supple than usual You see what I'm saying about your moisture content? -Yes -Yeah Try keeping it on the plastic sheeting if you can, Mr Meldrew Oh, right Yes, sorry (SNEEZES) All right, Love Queen Is it a wonderful, wicked morning or what? Hello How are you today? As ever, darling, with a song in my heart and a tongue in my ear I couldn't be happier Bet that's hard work, digging down all that way with just a shovel I tried it once with a pneumatic drill, but it kept giving me orgasms Had to stop What? What the bloody hell am I doing? I'm supposed to be paying you to do this, for God's sake! So just bloody well get back in there and get on with it Absolutely, Mr Meldrew, no problems Be right on it That's absolutely disgusting! MARGARET: And give my love to your mummy and thanks again Now, you be careful crossing the road, both of you, won't you? Bye-bye (DOOR CLOSING) Who was that? I thought you'd gone Well, I was just getting into the car when Mrs Aylesbury's children came running across with this Said they'd brought it back to us from Westward Ho! as a present Bless them Oh, yes, the very thing I was about to add to my Christmas present list, a sack full of seaweed It's to add to your new fish tank Wasn't that thoughtful? Yes, very thoughtful, loading half the North Atlantic into a rubbish bag There's barnacles and God knows whatnot in here Oh, and hang on I think I can just see Hans and Lotte Hass down the bottom as well I've got to go What time did they say they'd ring about that job? Before 1 :00, but that will only be if I've got it Oh, well, I'll keep my fingers crossed and I may ring you later Bye-bye Bye (CHAINSAW BUZZING) (GIRLS GIGGLING) Yo, Mr Meldrew GIRL: Oh, my God! (LAUGHING) Quarter to bloody 1 :00 Ring for God's sake, can't you? Well, that's that, then Another one down the Swannee Must have needed my head examined to think they'd ring in the first place What did I come up here for? (TELEPHONE RINGING) Oh, I don't believe it Come on Come on Come on! I had to drink three bloody cups of coffee Why didn't I bring up an elastic band? Come on, you bloody Yes! Hang on! Just one more second! What? No, they haven't No, not yet Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Would you please get off the phone in case they do? Yes, I'll talk to you later Yes, right, bye Here, boy Come on Here, boy Denzil? (WHISTLING) Here, boy (CHAINSAW BUZZING) Is he out there? I can't see him, no Stop worrying If he was going to run away from home, I'm sure he'd have left you a note Perhaps I'll just take one more look in the airing cupboard Look at that Why is it every time you spend half an hour trying to pick them apart, there's always a bloody two-page advert for Peugeot? I completely wasted four seconds of my life doing that (TELEPHONE RINGING) Where the bloody hell did you come from? Bugger off Really? Well, yes, of course Yes, thank you very much Yes, thank you very much indeed Well, who would have thought it? Get your bloody nose out of that bread bin! Where's he got to this morning? I've done some fried mushrooms with this as well Is that okay? That's fabby-fab, Mrs Meldrew The more the merrier By the way, I hope you didn't mind me opening up a tin of talcum powder while I was up there, only I'm allergic to the Sainsbury's See how rough my skin gets? -Up there -Oh, yes -Yes, shocking Yeah -Yes, that's a bit on the flaky side, eh? Excuse me! Oh, morning, Mr Meldrew How's it hanging? Terrific morning, isn't it? Never mind how it's hanging What the hell's all this about? We opened a seaside guest house here, have we now? Mr Kazanzi's water was cut off this morning Well, I don't imagine you'd want to start the morning without having a bath or something to eat I'll go and put some toast on for you How would you like it? Like my women, golden, hot and covered in marmalade Oh! I thought you said this was going to be one day's work out there No probbies, Mr Meldrew Be done by lunch time, maximum Thanks -Coffee? -Lovely, thanks What's that? (MARGARET GIGGLING) What the hell's this in aid of? ''Sealed with a loving kiss from Tina, Marilyn and Trish ''You can come round and get dirty in our garden any time'' You can come round and get dirty Oh, I don't know School girls, what would you do with them? It must be wonderful to be so popular I know, I'll send them a 1 2-inch ruler as a measure of my affections Yes! Well, thank you very much indeed! When I want to have breakfast with Hale and Pace, I'll let you know You still here? I thought you had to go to the bank this morning And don't forget you start work at 3:00 this afternoon Right Well, I'll just leave you both to it, then Bye-bye, Mr Meldrew Be groovy! I wonder how they knew my size Oh, cut it out (MARGARET GIGGLING) (CHAINSAW BUZZING) Unbelievable Two bloody hours just to see a sodding bank manager Why does everything have to end up in such a rush? KAZANZI: Off! Off! God's sake! (CHUCKLING) For God's sake, what did you do, spray these on this morning? -Stop moaning and just pull -I am pulling What the bloody hell's going on in here? Hello, Mr Meldrew I thought you was going to be out all day So it would bloody well appear I mean, what is this, a hostel for sex maniacs? I mean, why didn't you tell me? I'd have had a contraceptive machine put in the downstairs toilet for you -Hey, look, calm down -Come on, you little tart, out with you -Where did he pick you up, dial-a-nympho? -You're hurting my arm Oi, oi, oi! Come here! She's not a little tart -Dad -MELDREW: Ow! Ow! You wanna get heavy with the young lady here, do you? Dad! Dad, look I'm okay It's nothing Don't lose your temper with him, please You'll only regret it later like you always do I'm not gonna regret nothing, Susan Here, open the back door Open the back door now! Right, you, outside ''Dear Mrs Meldrew, have filled in the hole now ''Hope it is to your satisfaction It certainly is to mine'' Margaret? Victor? Well, what are you doing? What am I doing? I'm wallpapering the spare bedroom What the bloody hell does it look as if I'm doing? Not very much Oh, for What on earth happened? It wasn't my fault I came home to find him groping some half-naked female on the floor What was I supposed to think? Half-naked You don't mean his daughter? She dropped by to give him a hand just after you'd left I said they could both use the bathroom to clean up when they'd finished Oh, Victor God What have you done this time? -Blow my nose! -What? Stop standing there wittering and blow my nose I think I'm going to sneeze Oh God, what are we going to do? What do you suggest we do? Spread some fertiliser round my neck and wait till I come up in the spring? I'm not going to stay like this forever, am I? I feel like a bloody ball on the penalty spot He's packed it rock hard all around me You'll just have to start digging (PEOPLE TALKING) Who's that? Oh, it's Patrick and Pippa I'll get them to give me a hand Don't you bloody dare Let him see me like this? I'll never live it down You don't know it was him PATRICK: Mrs Meldrew, the very person -Patrick -Oh, hello You both, erbeen out somewhere? Yes, just up to the hospital You know, to have a hermit crab surgically removed from my testicles -I beg your pardon -Well, I say hermit crab, it wasn't demonstrating much in the way of hermitude when it popped into my shorts earlier on for lunch and fastened itself to my scrotum like a bulldog clip How did this happen? Well, I've only got myself to blame on that one, I'm afraid It's the old, old story I remembered to apply the sunscreen, but completely forgot to smear my groin with crab repellent and, inevitably, I paid the price Your eyes look very red -Yes, well they would do, wouldn't they? -Patrick, come on Makes you wonder where things like that come from, doesn't it? Doesn't it, Mrs Meldrew? Yes, doesn't it? Changing the subject altogether, how's Mr Meldrew getting on with his collection of exotic marine wildlife? No escaped specimens to report, anything like that? No No, I don't think so (TELEPHONE RINGING) Oh, I'm sorry, but I think that's my phone Would you excuse me, please, both of you? Yes, Margaret, see you later Come on, Patrick, indoors (VICTOR SNEEZING) Afternoon There was a bit of mix-up with the workman, actually Was there? Yeah, and One of those stupid things, you know Yes Yes, I do indeed, Mr Meldrew Oh, God! Fan-bloody marvellous! What am I going to tell them at The Herald? ''I'm sorry I never came into work but, unfortunately, ''I was buried up to my neck in a heap of rotting'' What is it now? Who was that? It was Mrs Reynolds, who lives next door to Mum She said she went round there this afternoon with her pension and found her dead in the armchair Said they reckoned she'd been like that for five days just sitting there with her knitting in her lap Telephone answering machine had been left on since Monday Oh, God Sorry Yes Well I'll get a shovel Still not sure about that It was all right at her place, but I'm not sure about ours Grandparents had one I always remember as a child being scared stiff that if the pendulum stopped, it meant I was gonna die Used just to sit and stare at it for hours in case it suddenly stopped swinging, like waiting for your heart to stop And did it? Nope, and I'm still here Oh, we might as well keep this You can always switch it on when you go to the loo (ANSWERING MACHINE) Hello? Margaret? This is your mum speaking.
I'm sorry that I'm not here now, but that's because I'm somewhere else.
I say, I'm somewhere else! But I expect you'll both be up here soon, won't you, the pair of you? So I'll see you then.
Hello? (BEEPING) Well, that's cheered me up no end, I must say Are you all right? Yes, I'll just go through that tomorrow, I think Are you coming up? Yes, I might as well Not yet, you don't, matey! # They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # I've started to deteriorate #And now I've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # I have to pop my teeth in to chew #And my old knees have started to knock # I've just got too many miles on the clock # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # It's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #