One Foot in the Grave (1990) s04e03 Episode Script
Hearts of Darkness
# They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed # But I have not yet quite gone to seed # I may be over the hill now that I have retired # Fading away but I've not yet expired # Clapped out, run down, too old to save # One foot in the grave # (CHILDREN LAUGHING) (OUT OF TOWN PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE) RADIO COMMENTATOR: Up comes Foster from the Vauxhall End, he bowls to the right-handed Hooper and Hooper is caught at slip by Gooch.
Now, Mr Meldrew, if you take one step to your left Yes? you'll be standing in a huge pile of dog's mess so watch where you're treading And smile! MARGARET: Which 1 960s album was banned in many shops because the cover depicted nude women? MRS WARBOYS: Electric Ladyland by Jimi Hendrix MARGARET: Very good MRS WARBOYS: Green, please MARGARET: Which vegetable is the world's best-selling aphrodisiac? -Asparagus -Correct Three Pink, please What was the stage name of the singer Harold Lloyd Jenkins? -Conway Twitty -Correct Two Two Green How many noses does an ant have? -Nine -Correct Orange Which famous actor (YELLING) Help! For God's sake, somebody help! We're stuck in the bloody middle of nowhere and we can't move If anyone can hear us, for the love of God, help! athlete won the 1 952 Olympic marathon? -Emil Zatopek -Correct One Green for a wedge, please What does the excrement of a gazelle smell of? -Violets -Correct For goodness sake! How the bloody hell do you know all these? Sorry, Mr Meldrew? Excrement of a gazelle What do you do, go about sniffing it? How many noses Conway Twitty's got Forty minutes we've been playing and no else has had a question yet Anyway, I've had enough of this stupid game Don't know why you had to bring it ''Let's all go out for a nice day in the country'' Start off on the A1 4 3 and end up on the set of Apocalypse Now.
Four hours we've been marooned here Yes, we got ourselves into a right pickle when the river split into three back there, didn't we, Mr Meldrew? Funny how things turn out Funny? Yes It's a pity we didn't have a needle and thread I could sew up my sides where they're split from laughing If we had any oars left, it would be a start There was nothing wrong with that idea That was a good idea to try and punt our way back Not my fault they got stuck in the mud and left behind We don't even know which way the way back is now We're completely and utterly lost Help! For God's sake, somebody out there, help! All tense again now Going to have to have another Valium Why don't you go and take half a dozen at once and put us all out of our misery? It's no good shouting It only keeps making your nose bleed again Bloody freezing now And I'm dying to go to the toilet Got a bladder like an ice bucket Has anybody seen the lid to this? Yes, I think you'll find it's over there Bloody thing What is he Do you mean to say we're only in two feet of water? Why the bloody hell didn't you tell us, for God's sake? Sorry, I thought we all wanted to stay here and play Trivial Pursuit God only knows how we'll get back to that boathouse from here On the Burma Railway at this rate Mind your new dress in these thorns, Mrs Warboys, they're very sharp Mind her new dress? What about my new dress, thank you very much Oh! Is that new as well? You never said Never I knew it was going to be one of these days If I'd put a bloody rabbit costume on, she'd have turned up wearing one (TEARING) (SHRIEKING) (THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh, great! That's all we needed NICK: Mr Meldrew Up here Come and see Oh, goody What's he found this time? Some fresh stoat dung? Must have veered off the road or something and then couldn't get it going again Now, he's locked the front door, but the back is still open At least we can take cover until the rain eases off What do you think? (SNORING) Hello! Wakey-wakey, everyone! It's quite nice out here now I've just been watching two frogs having sex -It was incredibly exciting -Was it? Yes, well, come on Let's get moving We might be lucky enough to see a toad getting a tadpole into trouble Got a cramp that's driving me bananas Mine seems to have gone to sleep as well I can hardly feel it Well, you go first and I'll -How did this happen? -Oh, my God! Oh, Mr Meldrew -Oh, my God! -Oh, I don't believe it -Victor, what is it? -What is it? What does it bloody look like? There's a sack of cement with our bloody feet inside! Oh, God Oh, how do these things happen? Look, it's all right, don't panic It's only a small bag of mortar We'll soon get that off No problem Well, this is the life, isn't it? I always think you've never lived until you've been forced to trudge for three miles up a dirt track with a sack of concrete on the end of your leg I can't believe how hard that stuff sets I felt for sure that tyre lever would've managed to crack it open Yes, but on the other hand, it was stunningly effective in breaking three of my toes But, by a lucky coincidence, they're already all in plaster So it couldn't have worked out better Right That's it I've put it off for as long as is humanly possible, Mrs Warboys, but I'm afraid I can't last another second Oh, no! No, no, Mr Meldrew Please! Victor, can't you bottle it up? If I had a bottle, yes But failing that, I'll just have to use this tree Sorry, Mrs Warboys You'll just have to look the other way and put your fingers in your ears Why do men always have to do it up against something? I've never been able to fathom it out Oh, God! How much further, Mr Meldrew? We've been walking for two hours now We must be close to some form of civilisation by now (PANTING) Let's see what's around this corner, perhaps there's a farmhouse or something I don't believe MARGARET: This isn't happening Two hours of walking round in a bloody circle I just (MARGARET SCREAMING) Look! Look, it's a car! Oh, thank God! Stop! Stop! Please stop! (ALL YELLING FRANTICALLY) (CAR HONKING) MARGARET: Can you get up? Joyriding louts! Thank God for that I thought I'd never see it again MARGARET: No bones broken or anything? MRS WARBOYS: I don't think so NICK: Careful now Mr Meldrew, are you all right? NICK: Mrs Warboys, be careful MARGARET: Come on It's getting darker by the second We can't make Jean walk any further Somebody is going to have to go and get help and the rest of us will wait in the van Well, do you want I'll go It's the only sensible thing I'll go myself I'll be back as soon as I can For goodness sake, be careful, Mr Meldrew You never know what's out there Good evening I'm terribly sorry to disturb you at this hour, but I'm afraid my wife and some friends and I, we're horribly lost It's not far from here I wonder if I could use your phone to call the police or somebody You're all muddy and wet You need a good, hot bath Thanks This is the downstairs bathroom There's two other ones upstairs I'm sure one will be more than enough, thank you And so you're going to phone the police for me, are you? Lovely Thanks very much, then Mr Gorshin, what are you doing out of bed at this time of night? Good night, Miss Lander Good night, Rachel You turn right at the end of this road, then fork left for 1 00 yards and you'll be right back at the boathouse It's literally a 1 0-minute walk Right Thanks Make sure I got the car keys Yes And I'm sorry about the I'm sorry about the misunderstanding I'm afraid Mr Gorshin is a little on the hyperactive side I'll have a quiet word with him when you've gone Right Thanks Bye No! No! Don't make me No, no Please don't make me No, please It's those horrible dreams They're horrible Please don't make me go back to bed -Please go away! -I've tried the intravenous sedative He knocked it out of my hands Get up, you stupid old fool -Get up off the floor -Did you hear? Get up! You must like limping, do you? (MOANING) GORSHIN: No! Leave me alone! (GROANING) (CLATTERING) (GROANING) (WOMAN SCREAMING) (GORSHIN YELLING) LANDER: I don't think we'll have too much trouble from them tonight We'll see if they've cooled down a bit by tomorrow morning (TELEVISION BLARING) (BANGING) (THUMPING) (LOUD CLATTERING) I'm afraid I left my watch in your bathroom Oh Right So you did There -Good night -Good night Oh, sorry I very nearly forgot Nearly forgot what? I very nearly forgot to call you an evil, loathsome bastard I wouldn't treat a sewage rat the way you treat these people and I shall be calling the social services department first thing in the morning to tell them about the sickening brutality that goes on around here in the name of geriatric care I have to look after the welfare of all my residents, not just one or two You haven't the first understanding of the way their minds work or the destructive behaviour they're capable of I'm sorry What language are you talking in now? It appears to be bollocks Get out now or I'll have you forcibly ejected Martin! Sonia! Oh, I think you'll find they've all gone sleepy-byes now actually Half a dozen Valium each Yes In fact, I should think you're ready for a bit of shut-eye yourself now, aren't you? I want you out of this building and if anyone calls the authorities, it'll be me ringing the police to report an aged pervert who broke into my bathroom tonight and exposed himself For the last time, are you (LANDER SCREAMING) (CACKLING) I don't think you'll have any more trouble with them tonight, but keep the door locked I'll make sure there's someone round first thing Mr Meldrew? Where did you come from? Well, I managed to get the van started in the end, bypassed the ignition I just dropped the ladies off at the car, then I came back to look for you -What's being going on? -I'll tell you in a minute Do we have four more bags of cement in there, by any chance? What for? Oh, there's certainly evidence of some shocking mistreatment No question about that Biggest question of all is, what happened to the staff? Where did they all vanish to suddenly? Can't get any sense out of the residents Just some story about a mystery man who appeared from nowhere in the middle of the night, like The Lone Ranger.
WOMAN: I expect they all got the wind up, decided to make a run for it before we got here I suppose that's it, yes Okay, Sergeant, all yours for statements -Somebody! -Help! Help! # They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # I've started to deteriorate #And now I've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # I have to pop my teeth in to chew #And my old knees have started to knock # I've just got too many miles on the clock # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # It's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #
Now, Mr Meldrew, if you take one step to your left Yes? you'll be standing in a huge pile of dog's mess so watch where you're treading And smile! MARGARET: Which 1 960s album was banned in many shops because the cover depicted nude women? MRS WARBOYS: Electric Ladyland by Jimi Hendrix MARGARET: Very good MRS WARBOYS: Green, please MARGARET: Which vegetable is the world's best-selling aphrodisiac? -Asparagus -Correct Three Pink, please What was the stage name of the singer Harold Lloyd Jenkins? -Conway Twitty -Correct Two Two Green How many noses does an ant have? -Nine -Correct Orange Which famous actor (YELLING) Help! For God's sake, somebody help! We're stuck in the bloody middle of nowhere and we can't move If anyone can hear us, for the love of God, help! athlete won the 1 952 Olympic marathon? -Emil Zatopek -Correct One Green for a wedge, please What does the excrement of a gazelle smell of? -Violets -Correct For goodness sake! How the bloody hell do you know all these? Sorry, Mr Meldrew? Excrement of a gazelle What do you do, go about sniffing it? How many noses Conway Twitty's got Forty minutes we've been playing and no else has had a question yet Anyway, I've had enough of this stupid game Don't know why you had to bring it ''Let's all go out for a nice day in the country'' Start off on the A1 4 3 and end up on the set of Apocalypse Now.
Four hours we've been marooned here Yes, we got ourselves into a right pickle when the river split into three back there, didn't we, Mr Meldrew? Funny how things turn out Funny? Yes It's a pity we didn't have a needle and thread I could sew up my sides where they're split from laughing If we had any oars left, it would be a start There was nothing wrong with that idea That was a good idea to try and punt our way back Not my fault they got stuck in the mud and left behind We don't even know which way the way back is now We're completely and utterly lost Help! For God's sake, somebody out there, help! All tense again now Going to have to have another Valium Why don't you go and take half a dozen at once and put us all out of our misery? It's no good shouting It only keeps making your nose bleed again Bloody freezing now And I'm dying to go to the toilet Got a bladder like an ice bucket Has anybody seen the lid to this? Yes, I think you'll find it's over there Bloody thing What is he Do you mean to say we're only in two feet of water? Why the bloody hell didn't you tell us, for God's sake? Sorry, I thought we all wanted to stay here and play Trivial Pursuit God only knows how we'll get back to that boathouse from here On the Burma Railway at this rate Mind your new dress in these thorns, Mrs Warboys, they're very sharp Mind her new dress? What about my new dress, thank you very much Oh! Is that new as well? You never said Never I knew it was going to be one of these days If I'd put a bloody rabbit costume on, she'd have turned up wearing one (TEARING) (SHRIEKING) (THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh, great! That's all we needed NICK: Mr Meldrew Up here Come and see Oh, goody What's he found this time? Some fresh stoat dung? Must have veered off the road or something and then couldn't get it going again Now, he's locked the front door, but the back is still open At least we can take cover until the rain eases off What do you think? (SNORING) Hello! Wakey-wakey, everyone! It's quite nice out here now I've just been watching two frogs having sex -It was incredibly exciting -Was it? Yes, well, come on Let's get moving We might be lucky enough to see a toad getting a tadpole into trouble Got a cramp that's driving me bananas Mine seems to have gone to sleep as well I can hardly feel it Well, you go first and I'll -How did this happen? -Oh, my God! Oh, Mr Meldrew -Oh, my God! -Oh, I don't believe it -Victor, what is it? -What is it? What does it bloody look like? There's a sack of cement with our bloody feet inside! Oh, God Oh, how do these things happen? Look, it's all right, don't panic It's only a small bag of mortar We'll soon get that off No problem Well, this is the life, isn't it? I always think you've never lived until you've been forced to trudge for three miles up a dirt track with a sack of concrete on the end of your leg I can't believe how hard that stuff sets I felt for sure that tyre lever would've managed to crack it open Yes, but on the other hand, it was stunningly effective in breaking three of my toes But, by a lucky coincidence, they're already all in plaster So it couldn't have worked out better Right That's it I've put it off for as long as is humanly possible, Mrs Warboys, but I'm afraid I can't last another second Oh, no! No, no, Mr Meldrew Please! Victor, can't you bottle it up? If I had a bottle, yes But failing that, I'll just have to use this tree Sorry, Mrs Warboys You'll just have to look the other way and put your fingers in your ears Why do men always have to do it up against something? I've never been able to fathom it out Oh, God! How much further, Mr Meldrew? We've been walking for two hours now We must be close to some form of civilisation by now (PANTING) Let's see what's around this corner, perhaps there's a farmhouse or something I don't believe MARGARET: This isn't happening Two hours of walking round in a bloody circle I just (MARGARET SCREAMING) Look! Look, it's a car! Oh, thank God! Stop! Stop! Please stop! (ALL YELLING FRANTICALLY) (CAR HONKING) MARGARET: Can you get up? Joyriding louts! Thank God for that I thought I'd never see it again MARGARET: No bones broken or anything? MRS WARBOYS: I don't think so NICK: Careful now Mr Meldrew, are you all right? NICK: Mrs Warboys, be careful MARGARET: Come on It's getting darker by the second We can't make Jean walk any further Somebody is going to have to go and get help and the rest of us will wait in the van Well, do you want I'll go It's the only sensible thing I'll go myself I'll be back as soon as I can For goodness sake, be careful, Mr Meldrew You never know what's out there Good evening I'm terribly sorry to disturb you at this hour, but I'm afraid my wife and some friends and I, we're horribly lost It's not far from here I wonder if I could use your phone to call the police or somebody You're all muddy and wet You need a good, hot bath Thanks This is the downstairs bathroom There's two other ones upstairs I'm sure one will be more than enough, thank you And so you're going to phone the police for me, are you? Lovely Thanks very much, then Mr Gorshin, what are you doing out of bed at this time of night? Good night, Miss Lander Good night, Rachel You turn right at the end of this road, then fork left for 1 00 yards and you'll be right back at the boathouse It's literally a 1 0-minute walk Right Thanks Make sure I got the car keys Yes And I'm sorry about the I'm sorry about the misunderstanding I'm afraid Mr Gorshin is a little on the hyperactive side I'll have a quiet word with him when you've gone Right Thanks Bye No! No! Don't make me No, no Please don't make me No, please It's those horrible dreams They're horrible Please don't make me go back to bed -Please go away! -I've tried the intravenous sedative He knocked it out of my hands Get up, you stupid old fool -Get up off the floor -Did you hear? Get up! You must like limping, do you? (MOANING) GORSHIN: No! Leave me alone! (GROANING) (CLATTERING) (GROANING) (WOMAN SCREAMING) (GORSHIN YELLING) LANDER: I don't think we'll have too much trouble from them tonight We'll see if they've cooled down a bit by tomorrow morning (TELEVISION BLARING) (BANGING) (THUMPING) (LOUD CLATTERING) I'm afraid I left my watch in your bathroom Oh Right So you did There -Good night -Good night Oh, sorry I very nearly forgot Nearly forgot what? I very nearly forgot to call you an evil, loathsome bastard I wouldn't treat a sewage rat the way you treat these people and I shall be calling the social services department first thing in the morning to tell them about the sickening brutality that goes on around here in the name of geriatric care I have to look after the welfare of all my residents, not just one or two You haven't the first understanding of the way their minds work or the destructive behaviour they're capable of I'm sorry What language are you talking in now? It appears to be bollocks Get out now or I'll have you forcibly ejected Martin! Sonia! Oh, I think you'll find they've all gone sleepy-byes now actually Half a dozen Valium each Yes In fact, I should think you're ready for a bit of shut-eye yourself now, aren't you? I want you out of this building and if anyone calls the authorities, it'll be me ringing the police to report an aged pervert who broke into my bathroom tonight and exposed himself For the last time, are you (LANDER SCREAMING) (CACKLING) I don't think you'll have any more trouble with them tonight, but keep the door locked I'll make sure there's someone round first thing Mr Meldrew? Where did you come from? Well, I managed to get the van started in the end, bypassed the ignition I just dropped the ladies off at the car, then I came back to look for you -What's being going on? -I'll tell you in a minute Do we have four more bags of cement in there, by any chance? What for? Oh, there's certainly evidence of some shocking mistreatment No question about that Biggest question of all is, what happened to the staff? Where did they all vanish to suddenly? Can't get any sense out of the residents Just some story about a mystery man who appeared from nowhere in the middle of the night, like The Lone Ranger.
WOMAN: I expect they all got the wind up, decided to make a run for it before we got here I suppose that's it, yes Okay, Sergeant, all yours for statements -Somebody! -Help! Help! # They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # I've started to deteriorate #And now I've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # I have to pop my teeth in to chew #And my old knees have started to knock # I've just got too many miles on the clock # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # It's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #