One Foot in the Grave (1990) s04e05 Episode Script
The Trial
(THUNDER RUMBLING) (THUNDER CLAPPING) Switchboard operators Say they're gonna put you through and then leave you here to rot to death And speak to you like an insect into the bargain Have I've been cut Hello? Yes I don't know if you remember me, Victor Meldrew, the talking cockroach I'm one of your jurors in jury service this week and I was just ringing up to see if I'd be required again tomorrow or I should Ah Right Thank you then Bye Five days on the trot, I haven't even set foot inside a courtroom yet You can't do anything else when you're on call Can't organise anything, can't plan anything Gives you the willies I suppose you're going to keep that up all day now, are you, as well? (THUNDER RUMBLING) I swear blind there's someone up there watching ''Yes, I think I can just see Meldrew ''unwinding the flex on his lawnmower, let's piss it down'' Hundred and one things to do out there and I'm stuck in here like the Prisoner of Zenda I wonder if I was to pick that scab off, it would start bleeding All dried up now like a Kellogg's bran flake Leave it alone, for goodness sake It will come off on its own Let it take its natural course What makes you yawn apart from anything starring Robert Mitchum? Reflex, I suppose (HUMMING) Oh! There you are Couldn't wait, could you? Just couldn't leave it alone! Now you've made it a hundred times worse I knew that would happen I wonder if you can get tetanus from a Barclaycard The things you can cut yourself on these days never ceases to amaze me What does lockjaw feel like? Probably feels like this I feel sick now with all that Getting that colicky sensation back again Abdominal disorders Abdominal disorders, where are we My God! ''Colon tumour ''Often no symptoms in the early stages'' Exactly what I've got Stop it Oh! I've seen it again Every time I go through this medical book, I try not to see it and it always falls open at the same page Zip fastener injuries! Ooh! Makes you weep just at that thought I shall have to stick a thimble on the end again now, seeing that Put it away and stop fretting about everything That crack wasn't as long as that yesterday, surely Look at that I can get my fingernail right in there now That wasn't like that before Ground subsidence Ground subsidence Is this floor sloping to one side now? Or is it the stockings sliding about inside my slippers? Oh, please! You'll drive yourself up the bloody wall It's just shrinkage The house is not going to suddenly collapse on top of your head What are you doing up there, strutting around as though you own the lampshade? Well, I'm sorry, matey, we're not going to have any of that Thank you very much Where do daddy longlegs come from? Saw one flitting up and down the shower curtain this morning till I managed to slow him down with some hair lacquer Just a little quirk of mine I never share a bath with anything that's got six legs Earwigs, bumble bees The Dudley Moore Trio Now the trick here is to get a hold of him without breaking too many of his Ooh Bugger it Come here, come here Got you Go on What are you waiting for, a parachute? He'll be all right now He's limped straight into that Lucozade can And good riddance! Have to have some jollop for this stomach It's no good Now, where is it? Pepto-Bismol Never know whether to drink this stuff or clean the windows with it ''Caution ''This medication can lead to darkening of the stool'' I sincerely hope not Now that's something I could be doing Cleaning those Venetian blinds They're filthy and caked in dust! I've been putting that job off for months now Oh, God! I'm bored out of my skull And I swear this is getting stiffer by the minute I'll probably be dead by 5:30 ''Man contracts horrific muscular disorder in order to avoid watching Neighbours.
'' What in the name of bloody hell! I do not believe it! In the name of sanity, I do That's it That is just about the absolute limit of all bloody time I mean, what was he Hello! Yes I'd like to speak to the manager, please, and be quick about it Meldrew! No, he doesn't, but he will shortly Hello! Is that Mr PT Sturgeon? Yes, well, it's about the large yucca plant your garden centre delivered to my house this morning Yes, a young chap, I didn't catch his name, it may have been Frank Spencer Well, I'll tell you exactly what the problem is, Mr Sturgeon I was out the back working in the garden when he arrived so I asked him if, for the time being, he'd put it in the downstairs toilet for me And do you know what he's done? He's only planted it in the pan! Yes Yes Actually in the lavatory pan with compost and everything! I mean, how anyone could be so utterly goofy just boggles the mind! A mistake anyone could have made? Are you stark I mean, what am I supposed to do? Cock my leg against the trunk like a Yorkshire Terrier? No, I would not! I'll do it myself, thank you very much And in future, I suggest you try and hire some people with a bit of common sense between their ears! Put it in the downstairs toilet (SIGHING) Perhaps I'll have a stab at the cryptic crossword Yes Now, what did I do with it? There Now, one across ''Mad poet mugged by banjo player ''sees red when eating pickles'' Three and four Mad poet mugged by banjo player sees red when eating pickles Um, five across ''Bag eggnog but get a tad bugged'' Four letters Bag eggnog but get a tad bugged Two down Um, ''Elk's ego gets my goat ''Head of MI5 upset the French ''by reversing into dad's underpants ''It's a doddle'' Elk's ego gets my goat (SIGHING) I'm sorry I don't seem to be able to do the crossword today as I appear to be temporarily out of mind-bending drugs I mean, who compiles the thing anyway? When's that next hospital appointment? I've an idea it's next week Yes, Tuesday at 1 0:00 Yes I suppose that'll be another barrel of chuckles Having my most intimate areas probed by a consultant that looks like Yasser Arafat Still, not her fault, I suppose Can't help her looks (TELEPHONE RINGING) (SIGHING) Please, let it not be Mrs Warboys to tell me about her holiday in Cork A blow-by-blow account of every second of every day Please, anything but that WOMAN: Good morning.
Good morning, Mrs Warboys How was Cork? Yes Lovely! Mmm-hmm Yes, well, I'd love to chat but I'm afraid I'm actually in the middle of jury service at this precise moment Yes, you told us that in the postcard Yes, you told us that as well Yes, very interesting Mmm-hmm, uh-huh Bloody hell How long has that been there for? Bloody pens! Now where's my flannel got to? I leave it on the rail and she has to put it away ''so we know where things are'' I mean, it doesn't work, does it? 'Cause I bloody well don't know where it is ''The riddle of the Bermuda Triangle was finally solved today ''when it was revealed that Mrs Margaret Meldrew of 1 9 River Bank ''had for the past 50 years been putting all the ships and planes away ''so we'd know where they were'' Madness (THUNDER RUMBLING) (MRS WARBOYS TALKING ON PHONE) Oh, yes? Yeah Uh-huh? The top of this radiator is completely cold again (EXCLAIMS) What the hell is the matter with this thing? Bleeding radiators Bleeding radiators, what would that come under? Here we are ''The flow is reduced to a scorching hot dribble ''See under Chronic Cystitis'' Wrong ruddy book now Oh, I see Lovely Yes, right, but Yeah, right Yes, bye, Mrs Warboys (SIGHING) There must be something constructive you can do What about that letter to Alfred? That's long overdue Now, see if I can get a pen here that doesn't leak Dear Alfred, thank you very much for your last letter and the nude photographs No, I don't think he'd appreciate that Six months old I was there And I don't look any different from what I am now Might have put some clothes on before they took it Not a bad little body, though Fancy keeping all these all this time (RUSTLING) Mmm! Dear Alfred, I'm sorry I haven't written sooner but it is all go at this end I can't think of anything else to write now Perhaps I'll write to him when I've got more time I'm sorry, Mr Woodlouse You weren't going anywhere special, were you? Any more of you while I'm at it? No, you've all scuttled off for cover, haven't you? Till I leave the room Breed like bloody wildfire Must be sex-mad I could just eat a plate of chips now With two runny fried eggs and OK Fruity Sauce No Had that yesterday Had it the day before as well I'll soon start to look like a chip Have to have something healthier today to balance it out Have an organic rice cake with cottage cheese on Of course, I could always grill the chips No Not as nice as cooking them in fat That's the best part of it Ate a whole slab of Cadbury's Diary Milk yesterday All in one go One of those massive half-pound blocks Made me feel totally sick Swore I'd never do that again Just I'll just have two small squares for now Won't do any harm Oh, there's four and a half there Never mind ''The Lord is thy judge He is all-seeing and all-knowing ''He knoweth when thou sineth ''and when lust and licentious burn in thy breast ''And he knoweth you called us a pair of persistent bastards last week ''and told us to sod off and leave you in peace May the Lord have mercy on your soul'' They must've written that last bit on themselves I suppose I was a bit harsh on them that day I suppose if I was religious I wouldn't have killed that woodlouse He wasn't doing anyone any harm Just waddling across the floor, minding his own business Going for a quiet stroll along the gripper rod For no apparent reason I just callously murdered it in cold blood Discrimination Didn't do that with the daddy longlegs, did I? No, he was picked up with a nice fluffy duster and shaken out of the window Talk about a classless society Just couldn't believe that last election result It's like hiring a man-eating shark as your children's swimming instructor ''Yes, I know it bit my baby's head off last time but I still think it deserves another chance'' Oh, come on You didn't come up here for anything specific in the first place I know what I'll have to cheer myself up Beans on toast Always enjoy that with sunflower margarine I got stuck behind that same old weirdo in the supermarket yesterday The one with the permanent boil on the back of his head It never seems to get any smaller or heal up or anything Not as long as I've been shopping there First time I saw it I thought he was wearing one of those Comic Relief noses back to front as a joke Come on Yes, an adventure and a half going into that place Always something happening One of the bakery staff lost his toupee the other day Came out with a tray of baps wearing a tea towel on his head You can't tell me that's hygienic This shirt is getting too small Look at that Just a great mound of crisps, chocolate and chips I shall have to start cutting down the Oh, no Oh, no Please, not that Where did that come from? A new mole! That's something you never want to see That must've come up overnight That wasn't there before this What's the point? You know it all off by heart anyway Just keep calm You're going to see a skin specialist next Tuesday, you can show it to her I might be dead by next Tuesday Oh, God! That's it I'm finished It's all over You know what this is This is your punishment for killing that woodlouse Probably a capital offence if I did but know it ''And may the Lord have mercy on your soul'' I've been tried, convicted and sentenced all in the space of ten minutes (SIGHING) Still, I've had a good life I've had a bloody awful life! Well, I suppose you may as well write a farewell letter to your brother and get it over with Dear Alfred, this is probably the last time I I don't believe Am I seeing things or (LAUGHING) Oh, no It's in the same place! It's the same Hold on, it might be a speck in the negative Oh, no, it's definitely there It's been there all the time, for 61 years! Absolutely incredible I've had a mole on my stomach all my life and I've only seen it this day Oh, thank you for that Oh, God, sentenced to death and I managed to get off with life I'll never be rude to another Jehovah's Witness for as long as I live I'll never be rude to anyone again I mean, let's face it If you've got your health, what else is there possibly to worry about? I mean, you just don't know how well off you are What in the name of bloody hell? I do not believe it! ''J ''JL Denkins, hairpieces of distinction'' Well, that just about takes the biscuit! I mean, dropping your wig in the bloody baking dough! I mean, he must've realised that it had come off, for God's sake! Well, this is just about it This is the absolute bloody limit of all bloody time! I mean, what am I going to find next? A false arm in the French stick? Glass eyes staring up at me out of the coconut meringues? Absolutely bloody hideous! It'd be much more sensible wearing a loaf of bread on top of your head! How anyone could Hello! Yes I'd like to speak to the manager, please And quick about it Meldrew No, he doesn't, but he bloody well will shortly! I'll tell you exactly what the problem is! I have just bought a large loaf of your (THUNDER RUMBLING) went to cut a slice off and do you know what I found inside? Only somebody's bloody toupee! I mean, what in the name of sanity is going on in that establishment? # They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # I've started to deteriorate #And now I've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # I have to pop my teeth in to chew #And my old knees have started to knock # I've just got too many miles on the clock # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # It's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #
'' What in the name of bloody hell! I do not believe it! In the name of sanity, I do That's it That is just about the absolute limit of all bloody time I mean, what was he Hello! Yes I'd like to speak to the manager, please, and be quick about it Meldrew! No, he doesn't, but he will shortly Hello! Is that Mr PT Sturgeon? Yes, well, it's about the large yucca plant your garden centre delivered to my house this morning Yes, a young chap, I didn't catch his name, it may have been Frank Spencer Well, I'll tell you exactly what the problem is, Mr Sturgeon I was out the back working in the garden when he arrived so I asked him if, for the time being, he'd put it in the downstairs toilet for me And do you know what he's done? He's only planted it in the pan! Yes Yes Actually in the lavatory pan with compost and everything! I mean, how anyone could be so utterly goofy just boggles the mind! A mistake anyone could have made? Are you stark I mean, what am I supposed to do? Cock my leg against the trunk like a Yorkshire Terrier? No, I would not! I'll do it myself, thank you very much And in future, I suggest you try and hire some people with a bit of common sense between their ears! Put it in the downstairs toilet (SIGHING) Perhaps I'll have a stab at the cryptic crossword Yes Now, what did I do with it? There Now, one across ''Mad poet mugged by banjo player ''sees red when eating pickles'' Three and four Mad poet mugged by banjo player sees red when eating pickles Um, five across ''Bag eggnog but get a tad bugged'' Four letters Bag eggnog but get a tad bugged Two down Um, ''Elk's ego gets my goat ''Head of MI5 upset the French ''by reversing into dad's underpants ''It's a doddle'' Elk's ego gets my goat (SIGHING) I'm sorry I don't seem to be able to do the crossword today as I appear to be temporarily out of mind-bending drugs I mean, who compiles the thing anyway? When's that next hospital appointment? I've an idea it's next week Yes, Tuesday at 1 0:00 Yes I suppose that'll be another barrel of chuckles Having my most intimate areas probed by a consultant that looks like Yasser Arafat Still, not her fault, I suppose Can't help her looks (TELEPHONE RINGING) (SIGHING) Please, let it not be Mrs Warboys to tell me about her holiday in Cork A blow-by-blow account of every second of every day Please, anything but that WOMAN: Good morning.
Good morning, Mrs Warboys How was Cork? Yes Lovely! Mmm-hmm Yes, well, I'd love to chat but I'm afraid I'm actually in the middle of jury service at this precise moment Yes, you told us that in the postcard Yes, you told us that as well Yes, very interesting Mmm-hmm, uh-huh Bloody hell How long has that been there for? Bloody pens! Now where's my flannel got to? I leave it on the rail and she has to put it away ''so we know where things are'' I mean, it doesn't work, does it? 'Cause I bloody well don't know where it is ''The riddle of the Bermuda Triangle was finally solved today ''when it was revealed that Mrs Margaret Meldrew of 1 9 River Bank ''had for the past 50 years been putting all the ships and planes away ''so we'd know where they were'' Madness (THUNDER RUMBLING) (MRS WARBOYS TALKING ON PHONE) Oh, yes? Yeah Uh-huh? The top of this radiator is completely cold again (EXCLAIMS) What the hell is the matter with this thing? Bleeding radiators Bleeding radiators, what would that come under? Here we are ''The flow is reduced to a scorching hot dribble ''See under Chronic Cystitis'' Wrong ruddy book now Oh, I see Lovely Yes, right, but Yeah, right Yes, bye, Mrs Warboys (SIGHING) There must be something constructive you can do What about that letter to Alfred? That's long overdue Now, see if I can get a pen here that doesn't leak Dear Alfred, thank you very much for your last letter and the nude photographs No, I don't think he'd appreciate that Six months old I was there And I don't look any different from what I am now Might have put some clothes on before they took it Not a bad little body, though Fancy keeping all these all this time (RUSTLING) Mmm! Dear Alfred, I'm sorry I haven't written sooner but it is all go at this end I can't think of anything else to write now Perhaps I'll write to him when I've got more time I'm sorry, Mr Woodlouse You weren't going anywhere special, were you? Any more of you while I'm at it? No, you've all scuttled off for cover, haven't you? Till I leave the room Breed like bloody wildfire Must be sex-mad I could just eat a plate of chips now With two runny fried eggs and OK Fruity Sauce No Had that yesterday Had it the day before as well I'll soon start to look like a chip Have to have something healthier today to balance it out Have an organic rice cake with cottage cheese on Of course, I could always grill the chips No Not as nice as cooking them in fat That's the best part of it Ate a whole slab of Cadbury's Diary Milk yesterday All in one go One of those massive half-pound blocks Made me feel totally sick Swore I'd never do that again Just I'll just have two small squares for now Won't do any harm Oh, there's four and a half there Never mind ''The Lord is thy judge He is all-seeing and all-knowing ''He knoweth when thou sineth ''and when lust and licentious burn in thy breast ''And he knoweth you called us a pair of persistent bastards last week ''and told us to sod off and leave you in peace May the Lord have mercy on your soul'' They must've written that last bit on themselves I suppose I was a bit harsh on them that day I suppose if I was religious I wouldn't have killed that woodlouse He wasn't doing anyone any harm Just waddling across the floor, minding his own business Going for a quiet stroll along the gripper rod For no apparent reason I just callously murdered it in cold blood Discrimination Didn't do that with the daddy longlegs, did I? No, he was picked up with a nice fluffy duster and shaken out of the window Talk about a classless society Just couldn't believe that last election result It's like hiring a man-eating shark as your children's swimming instructor ''Yes, I know it bit my baby's head off last time but I still think it deserves another chance'' Oh, come on You didn't come up here for anything specific in the first place I know what I'll have to cheer myself up Beans on toast Always enjoy that with sunflower margarine I got stuck behind that same old weirdo in the supermarket yesterday The one with the permanent boil on the back of his head It never seems to get any smaller or heal up or anything Not as long as I've been shopping there First time I saw it I thought he was wearing one of those Comic Relief noses back to front as a joke Come on Yes, an adventure and a half going into that place Always something happening One of the bakery staff lost his toupee the other day Came out with a tray of baps wearing a tea towel on his head You can't tell me that's hygienic This shirt is getting too small Look at that Just a great mound of crisps, chocolate and chips I shall have to start cutting down the Oh, no Oh, no Please, not that Where did that come from? A new mole! That's something you never want to see That must've come up overnight That wasn't there before this What's the point? You know it all off by heart anyway Just keep calm You're going to see a skin specialist next Tuesday, you can show it to her I might be dead by next Tuesday Oh, God! That's it I'm finished It's all over You know what this is This is your punishment for killing that woodlouse Probably a capital offence if I did but know it ''And may the Lord have mercy on your soul'' I've been tried, convicted and sentenced all in the space of ten minutes (SIGHING) Still, I've had a good life I've had a bloody awful life! Well, I suppose you may as well write a farewell letter to your brother and get it over with Dear Alfred, this is probably the last time I I don't believe Am I seeing things or (LAUGHING) Oh, no It's in the same place! It's the same Hold on, it might be a speck in the negative Oh, no, it's definitely there It's been there all the time, for 61 years! Absolutely incredible I've had a mole on my stomach all my life and I've only seen it this day Oh, thank you for that Oh, God, sentenced to death and I managed to get off with life I'll never be rude to another Jehovah's Witness for as long as I live I'll never be rude to anyone again I mean, let's face it If you've got your health, what else is there possibly to worry about? I mean, you just don't know how well off you are What in the name of bloody hell? I do not believe it! ''J ''JL Denkins, hairpieces of distinction'' Well, that just about takes the biscuit! I mean, dropping your wig in the bloody baking dough! I mean, he must've realised that it had come off, for God's sake! Well, this is just about it This is the absolute bloody limit of all bloody time! I mean, what am I going to find next? A false arm in the French stick? Glass eyes staring up at me out of the coconut meringues? Absolutely bloody hideous! It'd be much more sensible wearing a loaf of bread on top of your head! How anyone could Hello! Yes I'd like to speak to the manager, please And quick about it Meldrew No, he doesn't, but he bloody well will shortly! I'll tell you exactly what the problem is! I have just bought a large loaf of your (THUNDER RUMBLING) went to cut a slice off and do you know what I found inside? Only somebody's bloody toupee! I mean, what in the name of sanity is going on in that establishment? # They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # I've started to deteriorate #And now I've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # I have to pop my teeth in to chew #And my old knees have started to knock # I've just got too many miles on the clock # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # It's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #