One Foot in the Grave (1990) s06e02 Episode Script
Tales of Terror
# They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed # But I have not yet quite gone to seed # I may be over the hill now that I have retired # Fading away but I've not yet expired # Clapped out, run down, too old to save # One foot in the grave # Oh, is that right, Mr Blisset? Well, funnily enough, the fact that you've got it firmly in hand does not surprise me at all It's exactly what I would expect from a complete and utter wa What? I ordered a crazy-paved path for the front garden Where does a pile of bricks come into it? Oh yes, and I've stopped that cheque for the thing you laughingly call a barbeque out the back there, which hasn't been in the right place since day one Yes, well you can threaten me all you like, Mr Blisset You're not getting a penny of my money now or ever! Oh, when will it ever end? When they carry me out of here in a box It's not my doing, all this -People just can't be bothered any more -Yes Like buying a new car with a pornographic number plate wasn't your doing Got stuck in a funeral procession this morning The mourners were upset enough without having to stare at that obscenity all the way to the crematorium (GROANING) Do we have to have this stuck up inside a food cupboard? It's just while I'm doing my tests You know what the doctor said To keep a watch for any marked change in frequency or consistency Yes, all right I don't think we need to go into the details Thank you Now, are you going to go out and cover those things up? -There's some Elastoplast in the top cupboard -Yes, in a second MARGARET: Oh What's this? -Oh, from Ronnie and Mildred Read it and weep -Why, what's it say? Do you remember that message he left us on April 1 st saying did we fancy two tickets to the Bahamas that he'd won in the firm's raffle because Mildred wasn't well enough to go? Yes, which was obviously an April Fool's so we didn't bother to reply Oh, you're joking Absolutely genuine Gave it to the next door neighbours They had the time of their lives It says in there that Mildred's still going through a dodgy patch but they're both dying to meet up again and he's going to give us a ring to try and arrange something Oh, God! And the answering machine is not working We'll have to declare a full code red Let every call ring Then dial 1 4 71 and see if it's safe to phone back I knew it was a bad sign this morning when I ran out of vests and had to put one of their novelty T-shirts on Why do people always want to ''meet up''? Bad enough we've got Mrs Warboys coming around tonight with Cousin Wilf with that weird voice synthesizer thing of his and his Palmtop Like having tea with a Dalek Well, if the poor man can't speak since his stroke, what else is he supposed to do? It's a marvellous invention, really Well, if he'd learn to type properly I haven't forgotten the last time they were here when he asked me to put some hot mustard on his rhubarb Neither does he NICK: Morning, Mr Meldrew I see your butt's in a sorry state at the moment then What? Oh, yeah Well, of course, we haven't really had the rain, so -If you stand back, I'll give you a top-up -Sorry? Yes, yes, thank you very much That'll do for now Oh, yes Gardens have been getting a bit dry all over lately Weathermen say there's more to come -Where did that come from? -Sorry? Oh, yes I've just been giving it a quick rinse through ready for its next outing Very realistic, they make them nowadays When I first started in amateur dramatics you had to make do with a face painted on a balloon Right So you're doing some kind of play Oh, yes, I've just completed a very successful tour of nursing homes with Murders in the Rue Morgue.
Seemed to go down quite well with the over-80s Yes, we found from experience that anything without a decapitation in it, they tend to start nodding off So, and of course, for this one, Mr Snoxle gave us his rather splendid orangutan So, it was quite a hit, all in all Oh, really? Mr Snoxle? -I didn't know he had one -What's that? -An orangutan -Sorry? Oh, no, no, no, no That's just an expression we use in theatrical circles I mean, he gave us his portrayal of an orangutan I could be naughty and say he's got a bit of a head start Anyway, for our next production in our season Tales of Terror, we're doing Nosferatu the Vampire, which should be quite a good one We've got little Mrs Impey from number 1 0 playing the headless corpse of Lucy Westenras and, fingers crossed, for the title role, we're hoping to get Mr Dimkins from the chip shop (WOMAN HOOTING) Oh, hello, Mrs Impey Just a tick and I'll unlock the gate for you I was telling Mr Meldrew I've just put your head through some Stergene so it's all nice and fresh for you Well, I wish you luck with it all, anyway Yeah, bye-bye to you And don't forget, if you ever need my hosepipe, you know where it is And I mean, you'd never guess the man was 85 Would you, Wilf? Whizzing about around that great big house in his wheelchair His wife was talking about getting some speed ramps put in along the upstairs landing If she can get a grant from the council SYNTHESIZER: It was so nice to see my brothel again after all these years.
Yes Yes, it must have been And this was up in Pontefract did you say? Which is an awfully long time in a car these days for Wilf Especially in the hot weather SYNTHESIZER: I was violently sick 1 1 times.
-Oh, dear -Now, while I think of it Check Here's a little something for you, Mr Meldrew, from the local deli up there Thank you very much, Mrs Warboys And I remembered you saying you were in need of a new jigsaw, for something to do in the evenings So Thank you very much, Mrs Warboys That's Sheffield Steel It'll last you a lifetime SYNTHESIZER: I am just going to go to the lavoraty.
You know where it is, Wilf Bless him He's coping so well And you know it's his 75th birthday coming up this Friday I was thinking of taking him to the Old Moat House, just up the road from here for a big slap-up lunch to celebrate I know he'd absolutely love it if you and Victor could join us So, what do you say? Well, actually, we'd love to come But unfortunately, we've got to go to a funeral on Friday An old friend of the family And I'm afraid we'll be in London all day -Oh, dear What a shame -Isn't it always the way? Yes, well SYNTHESIZER: Could someone get me a bra of soup? Victor, you dare! What do you want to go and tell them a lie like that for? Say we're going to a funeral of all things What else was I supposed to say? No, thanks, we'd both be bored witless? And you'll be glad of it when next Friday comes around Hmm, I suppose It's like you say Why do people always want to meet up? Ha! They've finally taken away that pile of bricks, I see Will wonders never cease? You say I shouldn't keep on at them, but it's the only language they understand, I'm afraid What in the name of! When did they do? Can you believe this? What is it now, for goodness? Is that a real wall? Oh, they can't have done You see now the kind of psychopaths we're dealing with? Break into your house in the middle of the night and do a thing like this! What were they using? Muffled hods? Well, we'll have to call somebody The fire brigade or another builder Chances are, they'll have it down in a couple of hours Couple of hours? My bladder won't last five minutes Who are you ringing? Now, there's a big rubber nozzle on the end, Mr Meldrew, where you'd normally fit it onto a tap VICTOR: Yes, right (VICTOR EXCLAIMING) Just hurry up, please, and let me know when you're ready Right, yes, sorry In your own time then, Mr Meldrew God spare us all Sorry, Mr Dimkins, when you say a problem empathising with the character, which particular? The blood-sucking And turning into a wolf No, no, no, no, I hear what you're saying, and thank you for letting me know anyway Erm Bye-bye to you Can I offer you a bite at all? Sorry? Oh, no It's more than I dare to Now, I have managed to get it all off Now, that's a bit of bad news Mr Dimkins from the chip shop has just turned us down The vampire part? So, what do you think you'll do now, then? I don't suppose there's any way it would interest you at all? WOMAN: Oh, my God! No, no! No! (WOMAN SCREAMING) No, thanks ever so much It was really useful actually It's given me some great insights, I think, on where to go with it all Pleasure Well, I'll see you at rehearsals then, Lindsey, on Friday Okay, yep Bye You know, it's a shame about Christopher Lee He never quite managed to pull it off somehow, did he? Never really got under the skin of the character As far as I could see Yes, well When you've finished drinking the blood of virgins, you may like to know that our number plates have gone Number plates? How do you mean gone? Gone, stolen Probably by somebody around here who was sick to death of the sight of them (PHONE RINGING) Don't answer that! That'll be Ronnie and Mildred's noon offensive You pick that up and we'll be stuck with them forever more Sorry, I forgot Is that the second post? -Yep -No news, I suppose, about my test result What test? Well, I'm not talking about my eleven-plus, am I? My test Will you stop going on about that thing? You're worse than a child If you want to do something useful, go and look up the number of that car place and see about getting us some new plates Right That's me off to rehearsals, then I may be a while Oh, and I think we've missed the electricity man again I've left his card on the table if you want to do a reading Just take some deep breaths, Wilf You'll be fine I suppose, on reflection, that Knickerbocker Glory was a bit heavy You know what you're like in cars these days It's a godsend I've still got their spare key from the other week We'll just pop you inside and you can have a little lie down till your tummy's settled As I say, they were desperate to come out with us themselves But there we are I don't suppose it's been much fun for the two of them all day, having to go to London for a funeral (KEYS JINGLING) JEAN: Just one more second, Wilf Try to hold out I'll just pop upstairs and get you a wet flannel (WILF RETCHING) Okay, then, everyone Erm, we're just gonna have a look at a few problem areas in Act III this afternoon I think we're all present and correct Er, Mrs Impey will be with us shortly She's just upstairs with Derek having her costume tweaked And, oh, yes One bit of good news first of all, Mr Meldrew Remember I said Lindsey had gone down with a nasty tummy bug and might not be well enough for your big seduction scene together? Well, she's got worse, I'm afraid But, at the last minute, her auntie Maureen has very generously agreed to step into her shoes So, luckily, we've fallen on our feet there Now, why don't you come and park yourself here next to Mr Snoxle and we'll begin How are you feeling now? I think I would like a glars of water.
Yes, of course You wait right there I think I am going to be sick again.
So, that's been a very productive session then, everyone Now, there's more tea coming if anyone wants it And an orange juice for you, Mrs Impey, wasn't it? Oh, yes Mr Meldrew, I nearly forgot This came through my door for you this morning, in error -Chartres Hospital -Mmm Yeah Didn't you say you were expecting some test results from there or something? -WOMAN: Mr Swainey -Yes, coming right up So, what do you think? You've got a bit more colour in your cheeks now Do you want to rest a bit longer or? Oh SYNTHESIZER: I think I would like a glars of water.
I think I am going to be sick again.
(TOILET FLUSHING) MARGARET: Ow! What the hell are you doing in there? What am I doing? I'll be How long have you been back? -Since about 5:00 Why? -Five (GRUNTING) Jean was here Cousin Wilf was being sick in the car again and they came in here to Oh! For the love of monk! Four hours nearly, I've been in there doubled up like a penknife Didn't you even wonder where I was? -I had other things on my mind -Oh, what? Prising your face out of Lindsey Gibbon's neck all afternoon? -My test result is positive -What? What? You mean, they found there was blood in the Said I have to make an appointment with a specialist at my earliest convenience for further investigations Perhaps I'll make a cup of tea (DOOR OPENING) MARGARET: I despair I do, straight Last week, two big black bags I gave you One, full of clothes to take to the dry cleaners The other, with the carpet cuttings to go up the tip I mean, no one would believe it, would they? So, that's three of my best skirts, is it, have now gone into the crusher I wonder you've got the brains you were born with sometimes What time is your hospital appointment? 1 2:30? You sure you don't want me to come with you? I don't have to do this wretched number plate thing today No, you go and get that sorted out Perhaps, I'll find you on the way back It's only two bus stops It's probably just a small ulcer or something in there that's been bleeding I'll see you later And stop worrying JEAN: Anyone in? I'm sorry I'm a bit later than I said My car started making a noise like an elephant whenever I go into third gear -For some reason -Right, I'll get that thing for you Shame that I've got rather a lot to get today Thanks Of course, I still haven't been in your new car yet, have I? Didn't you say you had to go into town at some point today? Or did I imagine it? So, Mr Meldrew Haemocult tests were positive But no clinical symptoms other than a generally irritable bowel And there's no reason you can think of why blood should have found its way into your digestive system? Unless it's to do with being a vampire I'm rehearsing for this play I'm afraid there's no easy way of finding out what's lurking inside a person's large intestine, Mr Meldrew So, are you familiar with a procedure called a colonoscopy? Victor What did he say? Was everything all right? They gave me a sedative Well, they put this thing like a long tube with a sparkler on the end right up inside Er -What did they find? -Mrs Warboys' black pudding What? Said he couldn't find anything at all wrong there inside me Then, as I was getting dressed I suddenly remembered I'd had that ruddy black pudding Full of pig's blood and God-knows-what I need to lie down before I fall down Where's the car? Oh, where is he? I thought you said he'd come out to the car for a lie down Well, he did I mean He wouldn't have got into the wrong one or anything, surely (THUNDER RUMBLING) Go and sit down You must be ready for a cup of tea Sit down, that's a joke Bad enough feeling like I've had an anaconda up my anus, thanks to Mrs Warboys Then to waking up in the back of that bloody thing halfway to Burton-on-Trent Never thought I was going to get off alive Well, it's lucky you had the money for the train fare Or you might still (PHONE RINGING) Ronnie I'm sorry we haven't been in touch, but things have been a bit hectic here Hectic? I've had a right basin-full of it lately, I have straight Pipes up your front end, pipes up your back Whoever tried to force a camel through the eye of a needle Yes, yes We'll be round, right away Round where right away? What the hell did you tell him that for? -Mildred's dead -What do you mean? What do I mean? Dead Stopped breathing A few minutes ago They were playing cards She went upstairs Poor man's in a terrible state He didn't know who else to turn to Oh, my God! I'll get my coat (THUNDER RUMBLING) (DOOR BELL RINGING) Ronnie I don't know what on earth to say Have you rung for an ambulance? I mean, what happened? You say there was no sign, no warning of any kind She only needed, Mrs Stitch, the Tailor's wife, to win Said she'd just got to pop upstairs for a moment to And then, of course, when she didn't come down again So, er Where is she now? She still up there? I just can't get my head round it even now I mean, she seemed such a jolly soul Well, they both did Now we find out she's been suffering these terrible bouts of depression Heaven knows how he's gonna cope from now on It would be an upset for anyone, I should think, to find your wife's hanged herself during a game of Happy Families So, that's another funeral we've got to go to What do you mean another one? The first one didn't exist I don't know How are you supposed to cope with all the tragedy in life? What was it that philosopher said? ''Just go out and cultivate your garden'' If you don't mind, I'll just go and water the dahlias Victor? What? I'll get the lunch on # They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # I've started to deteriorate #And now I've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # I have to pop my teeth in to chew #And my old knees have started to knock # I've just got too many miles on the clock # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # It's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #
Seemed to go down quite well with the over-80s Yes, we found from experience that anything without a decapitation in it, they tend to start nodding off So, and of course, for this one, Mr Snoxle gave us his rather splendid orangutan So, it was quite a hit, all in all Oh, really? Mr Snoxle? -I didn't know he had one -What's that? -An orangutan -Sorry? Oh, no, no, no, no That's just an expression we use in theatrical circles I mean, he gave us his portrayal of an orangutan I could be naughty and say he's got a bit of a head start Anyway, for our next production in our season Tales of Terror, we're doing Nosferatu the Vampire, which should be quite a good one We've got little Mrs Impey from number 1 0 playing the headless corpse of Lucy Westenras and, fingers crossed, for the title role, we're hoping to get Mr Dimkins from the chip shop (WOMAN HOOTING) Oh, hello, Mrs Impey Just a tick and I'll unlock the gate for you I was telling Mr Meldrew I've just put your head through some Stergene so it's all nice and fresh for you Well, I wish you luck with it all, anyway Yeah, bye-bye to you And don't forget, if you ever need my hosepipe, you know where it is And I mean, you'd never guess the man was 85 Would you, Wilf? Whizzing about around that great big house in his wheelchair His wife was talking about getting some speed ramps put in along the upstairs landing If she can get a grant from the council SYNTHESIZER: It was so nice to see my brothel again after all these years.
Yes Yes, it must have been And this was up in Pontefract did you say? Which is an awfully long time in a car these days for Wilf Especially in the hot weather SYNTHESIZER: I was violently sick 1 1 times.
-Oh, dear -Now, while I think of it Check Here's a little something for you, Mr Meldrew, from the local deli up there Thank you very much, Mrs Warboys And I remembered you saying you were in need of a new jigsaw, for something to do in the evenings So Thank you very much, Mrs Warboys That's Sheffield Steel It'll last you a lifetime SYNTHESIZER: I am just going to go to the lavoraty.
You know where it is, Wilf Bless him He's coping so well And you know it's his 75th birthday coming up this Friday I was thinking of taking him to the Old Moat House, just up the road from here for a big slap-up lunch to celebrate I know he'd absolutely love it if you and Victor could join us So, what do you say? Well, actually, we'd love to come But unfortunately, we've got to go to a funeral on Friday An old friend of the family And I'm afraid we'll be in London all day -Oh, dear What a shame -Isn't it always the way? Yes, well SYNTHESIZER: Could someone get me a bra of soup? Victor, you dare! What do you want to go and tell them a lie like that for? Say we're going to a funeral of all things What else was I supposed to say? No, thanks, we'd both be bored witless? And you'll be glad of it when next Friday comes around Hmm, I suppose It's like you say Why do people always want to meet up? Ha! They've finally taken away that pile of bricks, I see Will wonders never cease? You say I shouldn't keep on at them, but it's the only language they understand, I'm afraid What in the name of! When did they do? Can you believe this? What is it now, for goodness? Is that a real wall? Oh, they can't have done You see now the kind of psychopaths we're dealing with? Break into your house in the middle of the night and do a thing like this! What were they using? Muffled hods? Well, we'll have to call somebody The fire brigade or another builder Chances are, they'll have it down in a couple of hours Couple of hours? My bladder won't last five minutes Who are you ringing? Now, there's a big rubber nozzle on the end, Mr Meldrew, where you'd normally fit it onto a tap VICTOR: Yes, right (VICTOR EXCLAIMING) Just hurry up, please, and let me know when you're ready Right, yes, sorry In your own time then, Mr Meldrew God spare us all Sorry, Mr Dimkins, when you say a problem empathising with the character, which particular? The blood-sucking And turning into a wolf No, no, no, no, I hear what you're saying, and thank you for letting me know anyway Erm Bye-bye to you Can I offer you a bite at all? Sorry? Oh, no It's more than I dare to Now, I have managed to get it all off Now, that's a bit of bad news Mr Dimkins from the chip shop has just turned us down The vampire part? So, what do you think you'll do now, then? I don't suppose there's any way it would interest you at all? WOMAN: Oh, my God! No, no! No! (WOMAN SCREAMING) No, thanks ever so much It was really useful actually It's given me some great insights, I think, on where to go with it all Pleasure Well, I'll see you at rehearsals then, Lindsey, on Friday Okay, yep Bye You know, it's a shame about Christopher Lee He never quite managed to pull it off somehow, did he? Never really got under the skin of the character As far as I could see Yes, well When you've finished drinking the blood of virgins, you may like to know that our number plates have gone Number plates? How do you mean gone? Gone, stolen Probably by somebody around here who was sick to death of the sight of them (PHONE RINGING) Don't answer that! That'll be Ronnie and Mildred's noon offensive You pick that up and we'll be stuck with them forever more Sorry, I forgot Is that the second post? -Yep -No news, I suppose, about my test result What test? Well, I'm not talking about my eleven-plus, am I? My test Will you stop going on about that thing? You're worse than a child If you want to do something useful, go and look up the number of that car place and see about getting us some new plates Right That's me off to rehearsals, then I may be a while Oh, and I think we've missed the electricity man again I've left his card on the table if you want to do a reading Just take some deep breaths, Wilf You'll be fine I suppose, on reflection, that Knickerbocker Glory was a bit heavy You know what you're like in cars these days It's a godsend I've still got their spare key from the other week We'll just pop you inside and you can have a little lie down till your tummy's settled As I say, they were desperate to come out with us themselves But there we are I don't suppose it's been much fun for the two of them all day, having to go to London for a funeral (KEYS JINGLING) JEAN: Just one more second, Wilf Try to hold out I'll just pop upstairs and get you a wet flannel (WILF RETCHING) Okay, then, everyone Erm, we're just gonna have a look at a few problem areas in Act III this afternoon I think we're all present and correct Er, Mrs Impey will be with us shortly She's just upstairs with Derek having her costume tweaked And, oh, yes One bit of good news first of all, Mr Meldrew Remember I said Lindsey had gone down with a nasty tummy bug and might not be well enough for your big seduction scene together? Well, she's got worse, I'm afraid But, at the last minute, her auntie Maureen has very generously agreed to step into her shoes So, luckily, we've fallen on our feet there Now, why don't you come and park yourself here next to Mr Snoxle and we'll begin How are you feeling now? I think I would like a glars of water.
Yes, of course You wait right there I think I am going to be sick again.
So, that's been a very productive session then, everyone Now, there's more tea coming if anyone wants it And an orange juice for you, Mrs Impey, wasn't it? Oh, yes Mr Meldrew, I nearly forgot This came through my door for you this morning, in error -Chartres Hospital -Mmm Yeah Didn't you say you were expecting some test results from there or something? -WOMAN: Mr Swainey -Yes, coming right up So, what do you think? You've got a bit more colour in your cheeks now Do you want to rest a bit longer or? Oh SYNTHESIZER: I think I would like a glars of water.
I think I am going to be sick again.
(TOILET FLUSHING) MARGARET: Ow! What the hell are you doing in there? What am I doing? I'll be How long have you been back? -Since about 5:00 Why? -Five (GRUNTING) Jean was here Cousin Wilf was being sick in the car again and they came in here to Oh! For the love of monk! Four hours nearly, I've been in there doubled up like a penknife Didn't you even wonder where I was? -I had other things on my mind -Oh, what? Prising your face out of Lindsey Gibbon's neck all afternoon? -My test result is positive -What? What? You mean, they found there was blood in the Said I have to make an appointment with a specialist at my earliest convenience for further investigations Perhaps I'll make a cup of tea (DOOR OPENING) MARGARET: I despair I do, straight Last week, two big black bags I gave you One, full of clothes to take to the dry cleaners The other, with the carpet cuttings to go up the tip I mean, no one would believe it, would they? So, that's three of my best skirts, is it, have now gone into the crusher I wonder you've got the brains you were born with sometimes What time is your hospital appointment? 1 2:30? You sure you don't want me to come with you? I don't have to do this wretched number plate thing today No, you go and get that sorted out Perhaps, I'll find you on the way back It's only two bus stops It's probably just a small ulcer or something in there that's been bleeding I'll see you later And stop worrying JEAN: Anyone in? I'm sorry I'm a bit later than I said My car started making a noise like an elephant whenever I go into third gear -For some reason -Right, I'll get that thing for you Shame that I've got rather a lot to get today Thanks Of course, I still haven't been in your new car yet, have I? Didn't you say you had to go into town at some point today? Or did I imagine it? So, Mr Meldrew Haemocult tests were positive But no clinical symptoms other than a generally irritable bowel And there's no reason you can think of why blood should have found its way into your digestive system? Unless it's to do with being a vampire I'm rehearsing for this play I'm afraid there's no easy way of finding out what's lurking inside a person's large intestine, Mr Meldrew So, are you familiar with a procedure called a colonoscopy? Victor What did he say? Was everything all right? They gave me a sedative Well, they put this thing like a long tube with a sparkler on the end right up inside Er -What did they find? -Mrs Warboys' black pudding What? Said he couldn't find anything at all wrong there inside me Then, as I was getting dressed I suddenly remembered I'd had that ruddy black pudding Full of pig's blood and God-knows-what I need to lie down before I fall down Where's the car? Oh, where is he? I thought you said he'd come out to the car for a lie down Well, he did I mean He wouldn't have got into the wrong one or anything, surely (THUNDER RUMBLING) Go and sit down You must be ready for a cup of tea Sit down, that's a joke Bad enough feeling like I've had an anaconda up my anus, thanks to Mrs Warboys Then to waking up in the back of that bloody thing halfway to Burton-on-Trent Never thought I was going to get off alive Well, it's lucky you had the money for the train fare Or you might still (PHONE RINGING) Ronnie I'm sorry we haven't been in touch, but things have been a bit hectic here Hectic? I've had a right basin-full of it lately, I have straight Pipes up your front end, pipes up your back Whoever tried to force a camel through the eye of a needle Yes, yes We'll be round, right away Round where right away? What the hell did you tell him that for? -Mildred's dead -What do you mean? What do I mean? Dead Stopped breathing A few minutes ago They were playing cards She went upstairs Poor man's in a terrible state He didn't know who else to turn to Oh, my God! I'll get my coat (THUNDER RUMBLING) (DOOR BELL RINGING) Ronnie I don't know what on earth to say Have you rung for an ambulance? I mean, what happened? You say there was no sign, no warning of any kind She only needed, Mrs Stitch, the Tailor's wife, to win Said she'd just got to pop upstairs for a moment to And then, of course, when she didn't come down again So, er Where is she now? She still up there? I just can't get my head round it even now I mean, she seemed such a jolly soul Well, they both did Now we find out she's been suffering these terrible bouts of depression Heaven knows how he's gonna cope from now on It would be an upset for anyone, I should think, to find your wife's hanged herself during a game of Happy Families So, that's another funeral we've got to go to What do you mean another one? The first one didn't exist I don't know How are you supposed to cope with all the tragedy in life? What was it that philosopher said? ''Just go out and cultivate your garden'' If you don't mind, I'll just go and water the dahlias Victor? What? I'll get the lunch on # They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # I've started to deteriorate #And now I've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # I have to pop my teeth in to chew #And my old knees have started to knock # I've just got too many miles on the clock # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # It's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #