One Foot in the Grave (1990) s06e06 Episode Script
Things Aren't Simple Anymore (45 min)
# They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed # But I have not yet quite gone to seed # I may be over the hill now that I have retired # Fading away but I've not yet expired # Clapped out, run down, too old to save # One foot in the grave # (SIGHING LOUDLY) Oh, hello Yes, speaking No, no I've enjoyed listening to the complete works of Rachmaninov through a plimsoll It's brightened my day, no end Never mind Well, it's about this private prosecution you're proposing to take out on my husband for an unprovoked physical assault on the 1 4th of June, this year To wit, the forcible insertion of a hypodermic syringe into our client's bottom, occasioning him actual bodily harm Firstly, I have to say, I'm amazed how long it's taken you to scrape some kind of case together on this one Secondly, since your client's bottom was being thrust out of a car window at the time the attack took place, I'd hardly call it unprovoked And thirdly, as my husband's now been dead for five months, I'd say your chances of getting a conviction are not especially high Oh, yes, I most certainly am Entirely serious And if you want to go raking up evidence why don't you try finding the piece of scum who sent him flying into the gutter that night without so much as stopping to see If you would please, yes In the meantime, I can just file this away, can I, with all my other legal correspondence Thank you Now, then What's next? (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, yes Mr Gundry, do please come in Mrs Meldrew, how is it? You sounded rather agitated on the phone Yes, and it's hardly surprising, is it? The money this is costing me for what I hoped would be a precious and lasting memorial to my marriage We did agree on the composition, with you, very slightly foreground I'm not talking about the composition I'm talking about this How many photograph albums did I give you to work from? -I'm sorry, I don't quite -It's Alastair Sim, isn't it? Alastair Sim? No, no, no, no, no Do you think? I don't know why you didn't just put him in drag as the headmistress of St Trinians and have done with it No, no I'm afraid I'll have to take issue with you on that, Mrs Meldrew I mean, Alastair Sim had a much more rascally quality, which was quite different The sort of parts that would now be played by a Bob Hoskins or a Freddie Jones, if one thinks of him, for example, as Professor Potter in the School for Scoundrels.
Look, I don't want a bloody debate about his film career All I'm saying is, this is not the man I shared 38 years of my life with And it's not going on my wall looking like that So, you can just have another go, Mr Gundry, before I go totally witless Oh, Glynis, you're early Or am I late? Oh, heck! It's okay Don't panic I booked a table for 1 :30 but they're very easy at that place Have I missed all the fun and games? Oh, don't You talk about taking over the baton Listen, I've just about had a week of it myself What with Michael's old chum sending me that hideous specimen yesterday morning Oh, dear, what's this? Best left till we're on our coffees, I think I don't know The problems just don't seem to go away these days, do they? Oh But then, they never did VICTOR: Unbelievable! I sometimes think the entire human race has gone completely daffy Do you know what they were doing up there at the supermarket when I called in for your cauliflower? Only filming a bloody Christmas commercial for television In the middle of June Ruddy Santa's elves dancing about and God knows what-not They had the whole car park covered in shredded paper blowing it about here, there and everywhere to look as if it's snowing Look at that I hate to think where else it's got to Right up my exhaust, I bet a pound to a penny Where did that come from? Oh, it's one Mum did ages ago Apart from a couple of little rips, it's still in pretty good nick I thought I might put an advert in the local Let's see if there's someone out there who wants to give it a good ho Oh! You haven't been to that car boot again? What is the point of my having a good clear out when you bring back all this junk? You know what I managed to get hold of? Do you remember old Dr Spicer, dropped dead last year at the Texaco filling station? Oh, and someone tried to give him the kiss of life with the free air pump Oh, you're joking Twenty quid was all his daughter wanted for the full bag of tricks Even got one of those things for testing your blood pressure You test my blood pressure I suppose this is going to be the new obsession now, is it? -Sorry? -Ever since you picked up that leaflet in the post office about heart disease Nothing What does that mean? I'm either dead or deaf I haven't got much longer for this world, I can tell you that much Excuse me Which one of us actually suffered a coronary last year? I seem to have forgotten Isn't that district nurse of yours coming round this afternoon? Ah, she'll give me a quick check Just to make sure I'm still ticking over at any rate We'll see How far up's a rectal thermometer meant to go? What? I feel as if I'm burning up to high heaven Then we're fine again, then, Mrs Meldrew I shan't need to see you again now until (MOBILE PHONE RINGING) -Should we say, the 1 0th of August? -Yes, that's fine Excuse us, that'll probably be my nanny Hello Hi, Rachel, what's the prob Oh, really, when did he ring? Excuse me, it's a query from my accountant about something Would you mind if I just? No, no I've got to get this stuff out to the dustman, anyway Oh, yes Well, it's probably on the January bank statement which is either in that letter rack or on the desk in my bedroom Could you? Mr Meldrew, are you well? Ah, well, I'm hoping so I don't know if my wife has said anything to you about my Oh, yes You were a bit concerned about your fitness level Okay, how long would it take you to just race upstairs, do you think? Yes, I think I can manage that That's about right Now, if you could very quickly run down it for me then, please Sorry, can you repeat that? Yeah, keep going Keep going Okay, then Just try skipping to the bottom (THUMPING ON STAIRS) Ah, stop there That's what we want, er Now, you've gone a bit faint Yes, just a little No, no, I just wanted to check the balance Yep, yep, that's fine If you could very quickly get that off for me, that would be lovely Oh, how's the little fellow, by the way? Not playing up at all? Is that something else I've got to worry about? No, just stick a first class stamp on it, that'll be fine -What? -Bye Oh, Mr Meldrew We were saying Have you thought about taking up jogging at all? My legs are all seizing up now I knew that would happen if I went for that run in the park this evening Bloody woman Should've never listened to her in the first place MARGARET: You're just not used to the exercise I mean, that did my confidence a lot of good, didn't it? Being lapped by an over-80s fitness class Artificial hips clacking away as they went past Bought a drink to cool off and some tramp chucked 50p in my cup I mean, what's the point? I suppose we've all got to go sometime MARGARET: Where, exactly? What do you mean? Apparently, old Mrs Gantwood down on the corner has asked the hospital now if they can just let her husband die with dignity But he only went in for a cataract operation, didn't he? I know, I think she's pushing her luck a bit there, to be honest Oh, Victor Put that ruddy thing away You know you haven't got a clue how it works (HISSING) Oh, it's got a ruddy puncture now How did that happen? Can I smell onions frying? Oh, there's a man there on the corner, setting up a hot dog stand Two women next to him, lighting candles What on earth do you suppose that's about? Oi, oi, oi! Where do you think you're going? A lot of people here before you, you know, with worse things to worry about -Pay you to have a little consideration -Worse things to worry about? Who are these people? This is my house, for goodness sake (BLITHERING) Excuse me! MAN: In you go Easy (GREGORIAN CHANT PLAYING) Victor If you would, Father Yes, I'd appreciate it Thank you Well, speak to me Wake me up Anything! It's this bloody advert I wish I'd never put it in It's not my fault that people twist things round and see what they want to see Advert? ''Remarkable embroidery of the Virgin Mary ''Beautifully hand stitched ''Has two small tears under her eyes'' What do you want to put that for? Two small tears, is what it says Just after you left those two women turned up, said they'd been outside all night praying for a friend of theirs who's in hospital First thing this morning, they heard his results were clear Could they come in and give thanks for the miracle? Well, before I could even gather my thoughts all this lot started to arrive, like something out of Franco Zeffirelli I've phoned Father Blakey at Sacred Heart He's going to try and get round here right away And let them down gently Don't ask me how Some more holy water Would you mind? No Faith is a powerful motivator, Mrs Meldrew It brings out the pilgrim in us all However you look at it, this is a most extraordinary occurrence Not so extraordinary in this house, I'm afraid Rather more par for the course Oh, dear Sounds as if you might welcome a little spiritual comfort yourself, sometime Sometime, very possibly GLYNIS: Margaret.
Oh, sorry, Glynis -It's just -I know Steals up on you, like a knife in the ribs Ah, and it's so much worse for you I mean, with Michael, well, you're just trying to fight nature But what happened to Victor I don't know, Margaret, how you ever deal with that Oh, I have a way So, what were you saying earlier about a hideous specimen? This from his friends at the zoo? Seventeen years, I think I told you, he worked there as a keeper Fifteen, in the reptile house Snakes, lizards, anything with scales, he could cope with It was people always set his teeth on edge I think I know the type Last week, one of his favourite animals died They had it made into a coffee table and delivered to our house Somehow, I don't think, it would have made his day I know I was just starting to wonder with Victor, how much torment one man can take in his life It's like the morning, we thought we'd go for a nice little drive to the market in Lanchester Didn't quite work out? Well, at least that bag of medical instruments came in handy in the end I mean, what sort of brain disorder is it anyway, that makes someone want to stick their bare backside out of a car window at you in the first place I don't know But I don't suppose he'll be doing it again in a hurry After you lobbed that hypodermic syringe into it like Eric Bristow He's lucky I didn't have a snooker cue Anyway, it brought a bit of colour to his cheeks Bad enough falling asleep in that park with that sun cream lotion on and getting a face full of grass cuttings Walking about like David Bellamy with greenfly That couple took one look at me and fell out of their boat Heaven knows what they thought, that I had some form of hideous skin disease Oh, here we go again Look, everywhere under the sun Look at that I wonder who this is from Postmark Swansea Now, then What time is that film on, that I want to record? That just gives me over an hour to open this packet of videos Oh, and why we ever thought it was a good idea to go and visit cousin Ivor I might've known he would just want to show off that new car of his Made me feel that mine was just a heap of rust Got me to look out of his electronic sun-roof and what happened? Ruddy panel jammed against my neck and I get stuck there I had to go all the way to the fire station with my head poking out the top like a ruddy tank turret I know I was there, if you recall Oh, look This is interesting Do you remember Tom Jones who was on the milk with you? Thirty odd years ago, when you both worked for Lea Valley Dairies What's he died of? Very much alive He says it's the most amazing thing Next week they're holding a reunion in London for all the old gang And they've been desperately trying to get hold of you ''As luck would have it, my daughter still sends the local paper every week ''and that's where I saw the report of your miracle picture ''which was a miracle in itself because I got straight on to the editor ''who gave me your address'' What sort of reunion? Oh, you've got to go, Victor You'll be able to swap stories Catch up with everyone They're all meeting up at a pub called The Strangers Rest next Friday at 8:00 Derek Baker, Bob Loft, Limpy Briddock, Herbie Stranks There's a whole list of names here Limpy Briddock My God He used to work up the dog track Until he got his shoelace caught in that electric hare Wonder what he's been up to over all these years Well, go along on Friday, you'll find out It'll be just what you need You'll see To take you out of yourself FATHER BLAKEY: Let me get that one.
Oh, Morning -Are you well? -I'm fine, Mrs Meldrew More importantly, how are you coping? How long is it now? It's four weeks? And three days Can I say, this is a very positive thing you've organised here Cleaning up other people's filth? Oh, yes Gives me no end of pleasure Victor used to say, it must be a certain kind of person that regards a lavatory in a toilet as an optional extra Yes, well, I've got another recruit for you this morning Lady rang me up last night Her name is Glynis She lost her husband about a week after yourself He'd been very ill, I gather, for some time Morning Are you Margaret? Glynis Holloway I just wondered if you could do with another pair of hands Oh, definitely, the more the merrier How about if I start with the vacuum cleaner Sorry? Oh, right -You sure you can manage? -Absolutely fine Mrs Meldrew, I know it must be very hard for you right now to find any kind of purpose in the world I think I see how it works, Father We're all just characters, really, aren't we? In a giant soap opera One by one, God gets bored with us and decides to kill us off Victor Meldrew mown down by a hit and run driver on his way home from a party Sounds depressingly plausible A party his wife practically begged him to go to Well, you You can't go on torturing yourself for something that wasn't your fault Oh, I'm afraid I can do a lot of things, Father, if I want to Torturing myself is the least of them You ask me how I'm coping Shall I tell you exactly how I'm coping? By clinging to the hope that one day they find the bastard who was at the wheel of that car because if they ever do, I swear to God, I'm going to kill him With my bare hands, if necessary Then they can do what they like with me Trouble with the world nowadays, nobody does anything about anything Victor tried, God knows And look where it got him It's all speed and greed And he's probably better out of it The pain is still raw, Mrs Meldrew I can see that And how can I say I wouldn't feel the same in your shoes, but the measure of our strength as human beings is the goodness in our hearts One day, as impossible as it seems right now, I pray that you'll find that strength Strength to forgive (BOARD CREAKING) (LOUD MUSIC AND CHATTERING) (INAUDIBLE) I'd watch that chair, sir It's a bit unreliable Are you here for the Lea Valley Dairies reunion? Yes I'm afraid I'm a bit on the late side, to be honest What with all the trains being up the creek and everything But Right, well, I've got a couple of messages for you here A Mr Tom Jones rang, to say unfortunately, there's been some heavy flooding up on the Welsh coast tonight Apparently, a male voice choir was swept out to sea -And the roads are all impassable, so -Oh, what a shame Herbert Stranks is stuck in traffic on the M6 and doesn't think he'll be able to get here this side of Christmas Alex Bendricks is really sorry, but he's had to fly to Hamburg on business at the last minute And Bob Loft has decided it's too far to drive with his kidneys Right, I won't be seeing any of them this even Albert Triplejoy has had to stay at home because his roof has collapsed Walter Gook called to say his pacemaker's been recalled by the manufacturer due to a lethal design fault Mr Briddock Limpy Briddock? Has had to work overtime, so he's not sure what time he'll be able to make it And this one Cheryl took down I'm not sure I can read her writing Derek Baker, is it? Has got to go and visit his daughter who's recovering from either a Caesarean section or a Caesar salad A bald transvestite Isn't that everybody who was supposed to be coming? Hang on, sir I'll just check for you Yes, it is Dinner is served at 9:00, if you'd like to cast your eye over our menu there -Or it could be blood transfusion -Right So, I suppose Limpy Briddock might still show up if he can get away in time and I haven't seen him for 35 years Oh, yes, I'm sure he'll be here well in time for the cabaret, sir I expect Cabaret? Okay, so just to get you in the mood and hopefully to stir a few of those lovely memories of times you've shared together, here are some sounds of the '60s # Purple haze was in my brain # Lately things don't seem the same # Acting funny, but I don't know why # Excuse me while I kiss the sky # Well, God said to Abraham, ''Kill me a son'' # Abe said, ''Man, you must be putting me on'' # God said, ''No'' # Abe said, ''What?'' # God said, ''You can do what you want, Abe, but # ''The next time you see me coming, you better run'' # Well, Abe said, ''Where do you want this killing done?'' # God say, ''Out on Highway 61 '' # -Thank you -Thank you Goodbye VICTOR: Yes A complete and utter disaster as usual Look, I don't want to miss the train It's supposed to get in at 1 2:35, so Alright Yes, I'll see you then No, no, no, of course it wasn't your fault Anyway, it's over now, so Okay, bye Things can only get better ''Dear Mrs Holloway, ''last Monday morning, the oldest of our giant tortoises, Erasmus, ''died, aged 1 1 9 ''Knowing how fond of him Michael was, we have put together this small keepsake ''for you in the workshop ''The inside being fully scraped out and sealed with resin ''So, you can use it to store napkins ''or maybe just grow some form of trailing plant'' Do you know, I have never met anyone else in my life who goes through all this How on earth did it happen, Glynis? In the middle of hell, how did we manage to find each other? If we're talking about miracles What? What is it? Is it another migraine? Oh, it'll pass if I just rest my eyes for a bit Yes, or more likely get worse Let me get you some Paracetamol or something I could murder some more of that fruit juice Oh, that's lovely Thanks Oh, dear God Oh, Margaret Margaret What can I say? What can I possibly say? I was driving too fast Of course I was The hospital had rung up that night to say that Michael might not And I was just I mean, I should never have been on the road I pulled up.
I swear.
I would've gone back, if I hadn't seen your car coming.
What could I do? I mean, by that time What could I have done? And to have to live with all that on top of losing Michael ''Tomorrow, I'll tell her'' Every night, I have prayed to God for the strength, but I had to find you You might have needed help, money, shoulder to cry on Maybe, just a friend I am so sorry # Well it's all right # Riding around in the breeze # Well it's all right # If you live the life you please # Well it's all right # Doing the best you can # Well it's all right #As long as you lend a hand # You can sit around and wait for the phone to ring # Waiting for someone to tell you everything # Sit around and wonder what tomorrow will bring # Maybe a diamond ring # Well it's all right # Even if they say you're wrong # Well it's all right # Sometimes you gotta be strong # Well it's all right #As long as you got somewhere to lay # Well it's all right # Everyday is Judgement Day # Maybe somewhere down the road aways # You'll think of me and wonder where I am these days # Maybe somewhere down the road when somebody plays # Purple haze # Well it's all right # Even when push comes to shove # Well it's all right # If you got someone to love # Well it's all right # Everything'll work out fine # Well it's all right # We're going to the end of the line # Don't have to be ashamed of the car I drive # I'm just glad to be here, happy to be alive # It don't matter if you're by my side # I'm satisfied # Well it's all right # Even if you're old and grey # Well it's all right # You still got something to say # Well it's all right # Remember to live and let live # Well it's all right # The best you can do is forgive # Well it's all right # Riding around in the breeze # Well it's all right # If you live the life you please # Well it's all right # Even if the sun don't shine # Well it's all right # We're going to the end of the line #
Look, I don't want a bloody debate about his film career All I'm saying is, this is not the man I shared 38 years of my life with And it's not going on my wall looking like that So, you can just have another go, Mr Gundry, before I go totally witless Oh, Glynis, you're early Or am I late? Oh, heck! It's okay Don't panic I booked a table for 1 :30 but they're very easy at that place Have I missed all the fun and games? Oh, don't You talk about taking over the baton Listen, I've just about had a week of it myself What with Michael's old chum sending me that hideous specimen yesterday morning Oh, dear, what's this? Best left till we're on our coffees, I think I don't know The problems just don't seem to go away these days, do they? Oh But then, they never did VICTOR: Unbelievable! I sometimes think the entire human race has gone completely daffy Do you know what they were doing up there at the supermarket when I called in for your cauliflower? Only filming a bloody Christmas commercial for television In the middle of June Ruddy Santa's elves dancing about and God knows what-not They had the whole car park covered in shredded paper blowing it about here, there and everywhere to look as if it's snowing Look at that I hate to think where else it's got to Right up my exhaust, I bet a pound to a penny Where did that come from? Oh, it's one Mum did ages ago Apart from a couple of little rips, it's still in pretty good nick I thought I might put an advert in the local Let's see if there's someone out there who wants to give it a good ho Oh! You haven't been to that car boot again? What is the point of my having a good clear out when you bring back all this junk? You know what I managed to get hold of? Do you remember old Dr Spicer, dropped dead last year at the Texaco filling station? Oh, and someone tried to give him the kiss of life with the free air pump Oh, you're joking Twenty quid was all his daughter wanted for the full bag of tricks Even got one of those things for testing your blood pressure You test my blood pressure I suppose this is going to be the new obsession now, is it? -Sorry? -Ever since you picked up that leaflet in the post office about heart disease Nothing What does that mean? I'm either dead or deaf I haven't got much longer for this world, I can tell you that much Excuse me Which one of us actually suffered a coronary last year? I seem to have forgotten Isn't that district nurse of yours coming round this afternoon? Ah, she'll give me a quick check Just to make sure I'm still ticking over at any rate We'll see How far up's a rectal thermometer meant to go? What? I feel as if I'm burning up to high heaven Then we're fine again, then, Mrs Meldrew I shan't need to see you again now until (MOBILE PHONE RINGING) -Should we say, the 1 0th of August? -Yes, that's fine Excuse us, that'll probably be my nanny Hello Hi, Rachel, what's the prob Oh, really, when did he ring? Excuse me, it's a query from my accountant about something Would you mind if I just? No, no I've got to get this stuff out to the dustman, anyway Oh, yes Well, it's probably on the January bank statement which is either in that letter rack or on the desk in my bedroom Could you? Mr Meldrew, are you well? Ah, well, I'm hoping so I don't know if my wife has said anything to you about my Oh, yes You were a bit concerned about your fitness level Okay, how long would it take you to just race upstairs, do you think? Yes, I think I can manage that That's about right Now, if you could very quickly run down it for me then, please Sorry, can you repeat that? Yeah, keep going Keep going Okay, then Just try skipping to the bottom (THUMPING ON STAIRS) Ah, stop there That's what we want, er Now, you've gone a bit faint Yes, just a little No, no, I just wanted to check the balance Yep, yep, that's fine If you could very quickly get that off for me, that would be lovely Oh, how's the little fellow, by the way? Not playing up at all? Is that something else I've got to worry about? No, just stick a first class stamp on it, that'll be fine -What? -Bye Oh, Mr Meldrew We were saying Have you thought about taking up jogging at all? My legs are all seizing up now I knew that would happen if I went for that run in the park this evening Bloody woman Should've never listened to her in the first place MARGARET: You're just not used to the exercise I mean, that did my confidence a lot of good, didn't it? Being lapped by an over-80s fitness class Artificial hips clacking away as they went past Bought a drink to cool off and some tramp chucked 50p in my cup I mean, what's the point? I suppose we've all got to go sometime MARGARET: Where, exactly? What do you mean? Apparently, old Mrs Gantwood down on the corner has asked the hospital now if they can just let her husband die with dignity But he only went in for a cataract operation, didn't he? I know, I think she's pushing her luck a bit there, to be honest Oh, Victor Put that ruddy thing away You know you haven't got a clue how it works (HISSING) Oh, it's got a ruddy puncture now How did that happen? Can I smell onions frying? Oh, there's a man there on the corner, setting up a hot dog stand Two women next to him, lighting candles What on earth do you suppose that's about? Oi, oi, oi! Where do you think you're going? A lot of people here before you, you know, with worse things to worry about -Pay you to have a little consideration -Worse things to worry about? Who are these people? This is my house, for goodness sake (BLITHERING) Excuse me! MAN: In you go Easy (GREGORIAN CHANT PLAYING) Victor If you would, Father Yes, I'd appreciate it Thank you Well, speak to me Wake me up Anything! It's this bloody advert I wish I'd never put it in It's not my fault that people twist things round and see what they want to see Advert? ''Remarkable embroidery of the Virgin Mary ''Beautifully hand stitched ''Has two small tears under her eyes'' What do you want to put that for? Two small tears, is what it says Just after you left those two women turned up, said they'd been outside all night praying for a friend of theirs who's in hospital First thing this morning, they heard his results were clear Could they come in and give thanks for the miracle? Well, before I could even gather my thoughts all this lot started to arrive, like something out of Franco Zeffirelli I've phoned Father Blakey at Sacred Heart He's going to try and get round here right away And let them down gently Don't ask me how Some more holy water Would you mind? No Faith is a powerful motivator, Mrs Meldrew It brings out the pilgrim in us all However you look at it, this is a most extraordinary occurrence Not so extraordinary in this house, I'm afraid Rather more par for the course Oh, dear Sounds as if you might welcome a little spiritual comfort yourself, sometime Sometime, very possibly GLYNIS: Margaret.
Oh, sorry, Glynis -It's just -I know Steals up on you, like a knife in the ribs Ah, and it's so much worse for you I mean, with Michael, well, you're just trying to fight nature But what happened to Victor I don't know, Margaret, how you ever deal with that Oh, I have a way So, what were you saying earlier about a hideous specimen? This from his friends at the zoo? Seventeen years, I think I told you, he worked there as a keeper Fifteen, in the reptile house Snakes, lizards, anything with scales, he could cope with It was people always set his teeth on edge I think I know the type Last week, one of his favourite animals died They had it made into a coffee table and delivered to our house Somehow, I don't think, it would have made his day I know I was just starting to wonder with Victor, how much torment one man can take in his life It's like the morning, we thought we'd go for a nice little drive to the market in Lanchester Didn't quite work out? Well, at least that bag of medical instruments came in handy in the end I mean, what sort of brain disorder is it anyway, that makes someone want to stick their bare backside out of a car window at you in the first place I don't know But I don't suppose he'll be doing it again in a hurry After you lobbed that hypodermic syringe into it like Eric Bristow He's lucky I didn't have a snooker cue Anyway, it brought a bit of colour to his cheeks Bad enough falling asleep in that park with that sun cream lotion on and getting a face full of grass cuttings Walking about like David Bellamy with greenfly That couple took one look at me and fell out of their boat Heaven knows what they thought, that I had some form of hideous skin disease Oh, here we go again Look, everywhere under the sun Look at that I wonder who this is from Postmark Swansea Now, then What time is that film on, that I want to record? That just gives me over an hour to open this packet of videos Oh, and why we ever thought it was a good idea to go and visit cousin Ivor I might've known he would just want to show off that new car of his Made me feel that mine was just a heap of rust Got me to look out of his electronic sun-roof and what happened? Ruddy panel jammed against my neck and I get stuck there I had to go all the way to the fire station with my head poking out the top like a ruddy tank turret I know I was there, if you recall Oh, look This is interesting Do you remember Tom Jones who was on the milk with you? Thirty odd years ago, when you both worked for Lea Valley Dairies What's he died of? Very much alive He says it's the most amazing thing Next week they're holding a reunion in London for all the old gang And they've been desperately trying to get hold of you ''As luck would have it, my daughter still sends the local paper every week ''and that's where I saw the report of your miracle picture ''which was a miracle in itself because I got straight on to the editor ''who gave me your address'' What sort of reunion? Oh, you've got to go, Victor You'll be able to swap stories Catch up with everyone They're all meeting up at a pub called The Strangers Rest next Friday at 8:00 Derek Baker, Bob Loft, Limpy Briddock, Herbie Stranks There's a whole list of names here Limpy Briddock My God He used to work up the dog track Until he got his shoelace caught in that electric hare Wonder what he's been up to over all these years Well, go along on Friday, you'll find out It'll be just what you need You'll see To take you out of yourself FATHER BLAKEY: Let me get that one.
Oh, Morning -Are you well? -I'm fine, Mrs Meldrew More importantly, how are you coping? How long is it now? It's four weeks? And three days Can I say, this is a very positive thing you've organised here Cleaning up other people's filth? Oh, yes Gives me no end of pleasure Victor used to say, it must be a certain kind of person that regards a lavatory in a toilet as an optional extra Yes, well, I've got another recruit for you this morning Lady rang me up last night Her name is Glynis She lost her husband about a week after yourself He'd been very ill, I gather, for some time Morning Are you Margaret? Glynis Holloway I just wondered if you could do with another pair of hands Oh, definitely, the more the merrier How about if I start with the vacuum cleaner Sorry? Oh, right -You sure you can manage? -Absolutely fine Mrs Meldrew, I know it must be very hard for you right now to find any kind of purpose in the world I think I see how it works, Father We're all just characters, really, aren't we? In a giant soap opera One by one, God gets bored with us and decides to kill us off Victor Meldrew mown down by a hit and run driver on his way home from a party Sounds depressingly plausible A party his wife practically begged him to go to Well, you You can't go on torturing yourself for something that wasn't your fault Oh, I'm afraid I can do a lot of things, Father, if I want to Torturing myself is the least of them You ask me how I'm coping Shall I tell you exactly how I'm coping? By clinging to the hope that one day they find the bastard who was at the wheel of that car because if they ever do, I swear to God, I'm going to kill him With my bare hands, if necessary Then they can do what they like with me Trouble with the world nowadays, nobody does anything about anything Victor tried, God knows And look where it got him It's all speed and greed And he's probably better out of it The pain is still raw, Mrs Meldrew I can see that And how can I say I wouldn't feel the same in your shoes, but the measure of our strength as human beings is the goodness in our hearts One day, as impossible as it seems right now, I pray that you'll find that strength Strength to forgive (BOARD CREAKING) (LOUD MUSIC AND CHATTERING) (INAUDIBLE) I'd watch that chair, sir It's a bit unreliable Are you here for the Lea Valley Dairies reunion? Yes I'm afraid I'm a bit on the late side, to be honest What with all the trains being up the creek and everything But Right, well, I've got a couple of messages for you here A Mr Tom Jones rang, to say unfortunately, there's been some heavy flooding up on the Welsh coast tonight Apparently, a male voice choir was swept out to sea -And the roads are all impassable, so -Oh, what a shame Herbert Stranks is stuck in traffic on the M6 and doesn't think he'll be able to get here this side of Christmas Alex Bendricks is really sorry, but he's had to fly to Hamburg on business at the last minute And Bob Loft has decided it's too far to drive with his kidneys Right, I won't be seeing any of them this even Albert Triplejoy has had to stay at home because his roof has collapsed Walter Gook called to say his pacemaker's been recalled by the manufacturer due to a lethal design fault Mr Briddock Limpy Briddock? Has had to work overtime, so he's not sure what time he'll be able to make it And this one Cheryl took down I'm not sure I can read her writing Derek Baker, is it? Has got to go and visit his daughter who's recovering from either a Caesarean section or a Caesar salad A bald transvestite Isn't that everybody who was supposed to be coming? Hang on, sir I'll just check for you Yes, it is Dinner is served at 9:00, if you'd like to cast your eye over our menu there -Or it could be blood transfusion -Right So, I suppose Limpy Briddock might still show up if he can get away in time and I haven't seen him for 35 years Oh, yes, I'm sure he'll be here well in time for the cabaret, sir I expect Cabaret? Okay, so just to get you in the mood and hopefully to stir a few of those lovely memories of times you've shared together, here are some sounds of the '60s # Purple haze was in my brain # Lately things don't seem the same # Acting funny, but I don't know why # Excuse me while I kiss the sky # Well, God said to Abraham, ''Kill me a son'' # Abe said, ''Man, you must be putting me on'' # God said, ''No'' # Abe said, ''What?'' # God said, ''You can do what you want, Abe, but # ''The next time you see me coming, you better run'' # Well, Abe said, ''Where do you want this killing done?'' # God say, ''Out on Highway 61 '' # -Thank you -Thank you Goodbye VICTOR: Yes A complete and utter disaster as usual Look, I don't want to miss the train It's supposed to get in at 1 2:35, so Alright Yes, I'll see you then No, no, no, of course it wasn't your fault Anyway, it's over now, so Okay, bye Things can only get better ''Dear Mrs Holloway, ''last Monday morning, the oldest of our giant tortoises, Erasmus, ''died, aged 1 1 9 ''Knowing how fond of him Michael was, we have put together this small keepsake ''for you in the workshop ''The inside being fully scraped out and sealed with resin ''So, you can use it to store napkins ''or maybe just grow some form of trailing plant'' Do you know, I have never met anyone else in my life who goes through all this How on earth did it happen, Glynis? In the middle of hell, how did we manage to find each other? If we're talking about miracles What? What is it? Is it another migraine? Oh, it'll pass if I just rest my eyes for a bit Yes, or more likely get worse Let me get you some Paracetamol or something I could murder some more of that fruit juice Oh, that's lovely Thanks Oh, dear God Oh, Margaret Margaret What can I say? What can I possibly say? I was driving too fast Of course I was The hospital had rung up that night to say that Michael might not And I was just I mean, I should never have been on the road I pulled up.
I swear.
I would've gone back, if I hadn't seen your car coming.
What could I do? I mean, by that time What could I have done? And to have to live with all that on top of losing Michael ''Tomorrow, I'll tell her'' Every night, I have prayed to God for the strength, but I had to find you You might have needed help, money, shoulder to cry on Maybe, just a friend I am so sorry # Well it's all right # Riding around in the breeze # Well it's all right # If you live the life you please # Well it's all right # Doing the best you can # Well it's all right #As long as you lend a hand # You can sit around and wait for the phone to ring # Waiting for someone to tell you everything # Sit around and wonder what tomorrow will bring # Maybe a diamond ring # Well it's all right # Even if they say you're wrong # Well it's all right # Sometimes you gotta be strong # Well it's all right #As long as you got somewhere to lay # Well it's all right # Everyday is Judgement Day # Maybe somewhere down the road aways # You'll think of me and wonder where I am these days # Maybe somewhere down the road when somebody plays # Purple haze # Well it's all right # Even when push comes to shove # Well it's all right # If you got someone to love # Well it's all right # Everything'll work out fine # Well it's all right # We're going to the end of the line # Don't have to be ashamed of the car I drive # I'm just glad to be here, happy to be alive # It don't matter if you're by my side # I'm satisfied # Well it's all right # Even if you're old and grey # Well it's all right # You still got something to say # Well it's all right # Remember to live and let live # Well it's all right # The best you can do is forgive # Well it's all right # Riding around in the breeze # Well it's all right # If you live the life you please # Well it's all right # Even if the sun don't shine # Well it's all right # We're going to the end of the line #