Orange Is the New Black s03e10 Episode Script
A Tittin' and A Hairin'
[cell door slams.]
[theme song playing.]
[cell door slams.]
[cell door slams.]
[boy laughing.]
Mama I'm dying.
Shit.
Ain't you only 11? Mama, I'm 10.
Damn it.
I knew all them chemicals they feed you at school weren't no good for you.
Come on.
Come sit down with your mama, Tiff.
[sighs.]
You ain't dying, baby.
You will, one day.
Ain't no way around that.
But this here, this is life coming out of you.
Kind of like pee.
Don't be scared.
All it means is you ain't a little grubber no more.
Now you're like a case of pop.
You got value.
Look, there's some things you gotta know.
Now that you're a-tittin' and a-hairin', boys are gonna see you different, and pretty soon, they're gonna do you different.
Best thing is to go on and let 'em do their business, baby.
If you're real lucky, most of 'em be quick, like your daddy.
It's like a bee sting, in and out, over before you knew it was happening.
But, Mama, bee stings hurt.
Come on now.
We're celebrating.
Double fudge chocolate, your favorite.
Chin up.
- [baby coos.]
- Mmm.
Wait, damn.
I don't want you bleeding all over the couch there.
Get up, and let's get a Kotex on you.
What's a Kotex? [man speaking indistinctly on PA.]
Hey, uh, Doggett, can we talk for a second? Just leave me alone, okay? Oh, God, you're scared.
Don't be scared, please.
This is awful.
Could you just stop for a second? Thank you.
Um There's a couple donuts in there.
I didn't know how else to sneak them in.
- Look, Tiff - Doggett.
Doggett.
- Um, things got weird the other day.
- Yeah.
I'm real sorry.
I don't know what happened.
This is all new, this guard stuff, and I've never had this much responsibility before.
It's weird.
But I really like it here and I don't wanna fuck it up, and I'm really sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable or did anything you didn't wanna do but maybe you also did want to? 'Cause I could be misinterpreting.
Women are difficult to read sometimes.
I mean, not, like, for everyone.
That's not a generalization.
I'm a feminist.
I just meant for me, specifically.
Anyway, uh, I like talking to you and hanging out with you and stuff.
And I guess maybe I just wasn't sure how to express that or something.
Are you saying you like me? Like, you like me, like me? Or Yeah, I do.
Don't worry about the pond thing.
No? You're just being assertive to your inmates like I taught you, right? Yeah, exactly.
[both chuckling.]
I couldn't stop thinking about it.
You couldn't stop thinking about me? No.
Thank you for the T-shirt treats.
Maybe I'll see you later? I'll be here.
- Okay.
- [both laughing.]
[Luschek sighs.]
Isn't that Healy's spot? Oh.
Yeah, he gave it to me.
He, uh, owed me one.
[weeping woman.]
I'm going to kill myself [sighs.]
If I have to keep eating this food! I've had the same itch for three months straight! I hate papaya! I'm tired of being a burn victim! Why the fuck is we screaming? Just say the first thing that comes to mind.
It'll feel good to get out your frustrations.
This is stupid! [sighs.]
Well, I'd like that to be a little more group-positive, but okay.
Ladies, good morning.
[all.]
Good morning, Mr.
Caputo.
You didn't feel it necessary to put a stop to this? They're expressing their right to religious freedom.
Yeah, it's our sunrise service.
[sighs.]
That's great.
Really super.
Services have been suspended indefinitely, starting now.
Let's go, ladies.
Everybody inside for breakfast.
You can feed your souls with food.
- Let's go.
- But But Stop! Wait, we're a religion.
You can't do this.
I don't care what you call this little collective of weirdos.
You're disturbing the peace in my prison.
But the Wiccans are allowed to meet.
Yes, and you know what the Wiccans are? Oh, I know, I know! Hey.
They're quiet.
Gold star for you.
What? Don't be jealous 'cause I got a gold star.
We're quiet for most of the day, too.
That's our whole thing.
We're venting our frustrations now so the toxic feelings won't eat away at our vital organs.
Yeah, like our livers.
Stop screaming.
Bayley, my office.
[inmates sigh in disappointment.]
[Angie.]
You know how rare it is I actually know the answer to any question? But I need you on my side.
What the fuck is this? I suppose it could be whatever you want.
A journal, place to make a list, uh - You write a book.
- Or write down someone else's every move? - Is that - Well, I Is that something else that you can do with this? Well, I've heard of ladies doing crazier things than that - just to, you know, stay busy in here.
- Stop it.
Just stop, right now.
What? Admit that you've been stalking me.
I have the proof.
Okay, you seem a little agitated right now.
Because you're trying to fucking kill me! Hey, calm down.
- This psycho - Oh! Has been writing down everything that I do.
- What are you talking about? - Look, this is hers.
Who's AV? - I - [Alex.]
What? Me.
I'm AV.
Alex Vause.
Put this loon in Psych before she hurts someone.
- Is this true? - Don't know what she's talking about, sir.
This is my notebook.
Bullshit, this is yours! It was in your bunk! What were you doing in her bunk? And look, look, look, look, look.
That's not even my handwriting.
Jesus, Vause, you losing your marbles or what? - That's two shots.
- [mimics shooting.]
One for disturbing the peace, and one for a classic 219, stealing.
I'm in trouble? [scoffs.]
Are you serious? This is fucking insane.
Vause, I suggest you take your shots and walk away or your next stop's gonna be the SHU.
Choo-choo! Excellent train whistle, sir.
She crazy.
[reporter.]
We're getting reports that the jury and Judge Appel have returned to the courtroom, which means after 16 hours of deliberation, we are about to hear a verdict in this high-profile case.
Quiet.
Everyone be quiet.
Here it comes.
Oh, this brings back so many memories.
And that bitch gotta be scared right now.
- I'm sorry, what was that? - Scared.
- Oh, scared? - That's what I just Man, never mind.
Where my girls at? And the ruling is in.
Judy King, guilty on all counts.
[all cheering.]
- Litchfield! Litchfield! - Wow! [all chanting.]
Litchfield! Litchfield! [laughs.]
Come on and get some.
[singing.]
That bitch is coming to Litchfield Then we'll arrange for a discreet hand-off at a specific time at a previously agreed-upon location that works for all parties.
You're making my ass so happy right now.
Those saggy prison panties been depressing my cheeks.
Like, I think they've been drooping from sadness.
- Mmm.
- Yeah, me, too.
I gotta turn around my booty frown.
And speaking of asses, what makes you think that we won't be turning yours in? [Stella sighs.]
Because we're gonna pay you for it.
Yo, who the fuck is Crocodile Dundee over here? I am the keeper of the packets, you drongo.
- What'd you call me? - Hey, hey, hey.
Everything's fine.
This is Stella.
She's cool.
Yo, I don't like surprises.
Yeah, my accent can be very alarming.
This is a win-win.
You get to make your meals partially-edible and wear panties that make your butts happy.
There's a thong and six packets of ramen flavor in there for each of you.
That's three meals a day, for two days.
We'll give you a new laundry bag when you turn them in.
You stealing these from work? I'm not stealing.
I'm appropriating unused materials and capitalizing.
Shit, I should have thought of this.
Flaca, we can be, like, panty twinsies.
Oh, like old times.
Okay, I'm in.
Me, too.
[Piper.]
Mmm-hmm.
Fine.
Just don't say "twinsies" around me again.
Fantastic, and remember, ladies, stay active.
Almost blew that one.
Bitches be sensitive around here.
You're fine.
And you're hot when you're closing.
What are you [sighing.]
Shit.
What? You need to talk about the other night, right? Like, process your guilt and shame for cheating on your girlfriend? I get it, I get it, but I'm not your girl for that.
Actually, I don't.
I've done the whole "guilty, whining, tortured cheater" thing, and it's annoying.
What happened, happened.
And I'm not interested in sitting around, analyzing everything I do anymore.
Hmm.
Bravo to you.
That was an excellent speech.
No, really.
Almost as good as Bill Pullman's freedom speech in Independence Day.
[Piper.]
Fuck Bill Pullman and his stupid, smarmy, thin-lipped face.
[gate opening.]
I see you! That's right.
Run, rabbit, run.
Oh, man, focus on this line.
I'm gonna finish.
You can do this.
You can do this.
You're a champion.
- Hey.
- Wait.
I think I have something to help.
That's fantastic.
You think so? I mean, I hoped you'd think so.
I just wasn't sure.
I do.
I really do.
What are we talking about again? Uh, your writer's block.
Um I wrote this for you.
[chuckles.]
It's probably better if you read it out loud, so you can hear the rhythm.
"Here are some ideas for your series, because I know you've been getting a lot of queries.
I can tell you've been feeling stressed.
Perhaps that's because you're repressed.
May I suggest you pander to your audience with more girl-on-girl stuff? It's not rocket science.
" - That's not a pure - Pure rhyme, I know.
There's more.
Go on.
"Why not let me be helpful? You might've noticed I'm eligible.
" Yes, another slanted rhyme.
Keep going.
"If you need to research the activities, I'd be happy to join you, as I have homo-proclivities.
" You don't have to say anything.
Please don't.
It would be, um, too much for me.
I'm gonna be in the broom closet tonight after dinner.
I hope you'll meet me.
This one time, my sister and I were at a drive-through, and right when we pulled up to the speaker to order, she just started giggling for no real reason.
She just couldn't stop, and so I started laughing.
And I think we were there for, like, five whole minutes with this voice saying over and over, "Hello? Are you ready to order?" I didn't mean to laugh at Leanne, but I just got this picture in my head of that Amish thing, and it's genetic.
Genetic nervous laughter.
I can't control it.
- Did you tell her that? - No.
It probably would have come out all wrong anyway.
I never seem to say the right thing.
And you're caught in that cycle where you feel like no one likes you, so you start trying too hard, which only makes you more unlikable.
Is this where you tell me to take the happy pills and stop whining? - [sighs.]
- Brook, you're in prison.
I can't imagine a more reasonable time for you to experience depression.
Your response is appropriate.
Why should that be medicated? Because I feel so horrible.
I'm so lonely.
Well, now you have me.
You can come in here and chat every day.
No offense, but that's, like, so lame.
It's like being that kid who has to eat lunch with the teacher 'cause no one else wants to eat with her.
Or maybe you're having a hard time making friends because you're different from the other women in here, Brook, and maybe that's not a bad thing.
[chuckles.]
[Blanca.]
Hmm [speaking Spanish.]
She has six toes on her right foot.
- Ew.
- [continues speaking Spanish.]
And she lived in a Greyhound bus for a year.
- [speaking Spanish.]
- [laughing.]
Her mother doesn't believe in Number three's a lie.
[laughing.]
No way, she ain't got no six toes.
No, no, she does.
I saw that shit once.
- What? - [Maritza.]
Oh.
- It's like a little nubbin.
- That's nasty.
That's nasty.
No, but whose mommy is crazy enough to make her skip a birthday? Pero you seen Blanca on one of her bad days.
That shit's in your blood.
Coño, nobody's gonna choose the bus because that's normal for everybody? [all.]
Yeah.
- Oh, what's Red Rover up to? - Beats me.
I'm keeping busy, as all of you should be trying to do, too.
Can't listen to all this hen chatter anymore.
But how we supposed to keep busy if throwing those fart bags into boiling water takes 10 minutes? - [exclaiming.]
- Holy shit, fresh veggies.
Keep off of 'em.
Purpose, girls.
Everyone needs to find her purpose.
Beautiful, what have you got? Look at this.
Your skin looks like it will be very soft.
[chuckles.]
You know, like a peach or a baby pig's belly.
[laughs.]
[chuckles nervously.]
I aspire to put my hands on it and to inhale your hair.
[sighs heavily.]
In my dreams, it smells like freshly-baked gingerbread and my mother's rice pudding swirled together.
Oh! [chuckles.]
- That is quite a combination.
- Yeah.
[Crystal.]
He know he's been punished, and then I find him hiding in his closet with his phone, texting some girl.
His phone that was locked in my desk drawer.
You broke into your mother's desk? She can't take my shit.
It's mine.
Do you see that? Hey, nothing is yours.
You live by the grace of me.
[Sophia.]
Michael, look at me.
This behavior of yours is unacceptable.
I don't know what's going on with you, but you need to get your act together right now.
You don't get it.
What don't I get? Tell me.
- You need to stop.
- Stop what? Acting like you care.
Michael, I just want I don't care what you want.
- Michael, get back here now.
- What you gonna do about it? Something on your mind, pumpkin? I'm gonna kill her.
You gotta be more specific than that.
Sophia, she's over there she's having a nice visit with her son while I'm over here doing what? Nothing, trying to stay busy, huh? Ignoring the fact that she took my son away from me even though he didn't even do nothing.
Did I tell you about that? I talked to him.
He said it was all Michael.
áEl pendejito ese! It was all him.
Benny, he ran.
Benny ran as soon as he saw them starting to fight.
You mentioned that once or twice or 15 times, yes.
I miss I miss him, mana.
I miss him.
I miss all of them.
I know.
You want some of mine? You are so stupid.
[both chuckling.]
Which one is it again? - The cute one with the scraggly goatee.
- Oh.
I still maintain you'd make a good dyke.
Come on.
Diving into all that facial hair, no different than pussy.
Ugh.
First of all, that's really gross, okay? Jesus.
And, secondly, I actually really like him, all right? It's not because of all the donuts.
Mmm.
We talk about things and stuff Deep shit.
Hey, maybe next time you could suck his dick, get us an ice cream cake.
Come on, you know that would melt before it got here, so that's not a good idea, duh.
[rock music playing.]
- [gun firing.]
- Oh, yeah.
[Pennsatucky.]
Do you have an extra cigarette? - [gun firing.]
- [glass shattering.]
[man.]
Yeah, sweet.
Hey, Doggett, you down? I told you I only accept Visa, MasterCard or Mountain Dew.
[chuckles.]
Damn.
Can you put me on a payment plan? Get that shit to you tomorrow, I swear.
You look hot in that skirt.
Mmm.
[Pennsatucky.]
Sure.
[Abe.]
Come on, all right.
Yeah, I told you.
[Abe.]
Yeah.
Ow! Fuck me! I just got bit or stung by something.
- Well, come on, get back here.
- Get your fucking hands off me! [Abe.]
Oh, come on, don't do that.
Shut the fuck up.
I just got stung or bit.
I was almost there, Tiff.
Oh, fuck you and your blue balls.
[Abe.]
Oh, you gonna leave me unfinished? All right.
[Pennsatucky.]
Fucking hurts.
[rock music continues.]
You okay? No, I think I got a spider bite or a bee sting.
- One sec.
- Yeah.
Let's have a look.
What, are you a faggot or something? [chuckles.]
No, my family camps a lot.
Is being prepared for emergencies not manly down here? [groaning.]
Ow.
Nah, I just wouldn't spread it around too much.
So, what, did y'all just move here? Yeah my dad's working at the mine till he gets fired for being a drunk and we move again.
Yeah, but you don't gotta worry about that around here, 'cause everybody's a drunk.
There you go you're all patched up.
Thank you.
I'm Nathan.
You wanna hang out sometime? See a movie or something? What do I gotta do? Uh be my date? All right.
- All right, I'll see you.
- Stop.
[Nathan chuckles.]
[woman speaking indistinctly on PA.]
[sniffing.]
Hello, curly-haired person.
Hey.
- You Jewish, right? - Cuban.
Shit.
Really? Extra fruit cup for you, Norma.
Where the fuck were you today? Is that a real question? Like, you, for real, want me to make the prison joke? Judy King got sentenced this morning.
- Oh, shit, yo! - [both laughing.]
- Shh! - [whispers.]
Sorry.
Why are you not allowed to talk? [softly.]
It's all about not contributing to the noise and shit.
Yo, don't think I'm crazy or nothing, but it actually sort of makes me feel calm like the wall's not closing in on me like I can breathe.
I didn't hear anything you just said.
But your girl's guilty, and she's probably coming to Litchfield.
They're gonna announce it [yelling.]
tomorrow! [softly.]
Judy King coming here? That's what I just said! [softly.]
Unless my noise is too much for you.
[mouths.]
[laughing.]
Hey, did you know we're not in a union anymore? - Sorry, what? - Now, come on, this is serious.
I called our union rep this morning to ask about my medical plan.
She says we're not in a union anymore, not since MCC took over.
Those motherfuckers.
I gotta reiterate.
I don't give a single shit about this.
Look, even if you don't got kids to support, you can't tell me that you don't care about the money.
Crazy thing happened.
Uh, a couple months ago, this dude in a sharp suit shows up at my front door, says I'm sitting on valuable land.
They traced oil deposits or some shit to right underneath my house.
Asked me if I mind them coming in and digging.
Says they'll compensate me for my time.
And I say, "Sure, I don't give a shit.
" And now, what do you know? These government checks start showing up in my mailbox every week or so, so, uh, I'm pretty set.
You know, my cousin said that he bought H off your brother-in-law a couple weeks back.
You don't know nothing about that, do you? [mouths.]
Nah.
My last name is Ginsberg, for fuck's sake.
And? Okay, my Hebrew name is Shayna Malka.
- Huh? - Shayna Malka? I was Bat Mitzvahed at Temple Beth Israel, and at the party, I sang Wind Beneath My Wings backed by a full orchestra.
Killed it, by the way.
But hold up though, shawty.
You got blonde hair and blue eyes.
You know what I'm saying? That combo don't show up much with y'all, from what I hear.
Okay, so clearly you're already an expert.
Okay, I'm gonna go sit at another table.
No, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.
No, now, I'm just assessin' over here.
You know what I'm sayin'? I'm offering hella commissary for some Jew 411, so I'm gonna need to know I'm getting my candy's worth, okay? Now, calm the fuck down.
Next question.
What you in here for? Money laundering.
Okay, now we talkin'.
[buzzing.]
How you doing, sweet pea? [whimpering.]
It's good to see you, Mommy.
[sighs heavily.]
You look so pale, honey.
- Are you all right? - Mmm.
Mommy, she hasn't written me back.
I write her every day, tell her how much I love her.
I write lists of names for the baby, compose short stories about the future of our relationship, remind her of other star-crossed lovers throughout history who have overcome great obstacles to be together, Romeo and Juliet, Lolita and the old guy, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins.
Honey, none of those couples ended up together.
I love her, Mommy.
[inhales sharply.]
I love her.
I know you do.
I was not a rapist with her.
We made love.
"Guard, prisoner," they're just words.
I need to get out of here and claim my family.
George, George.
You're right.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
All "me, me, me" again, right? How are you? George, I have some difficult news for you, and I need you to promise me that you are going to take a deep breath and try to have an appropriate response, just like we always used to practice.
- Oh, my God.
- All right? You're sick.
You have cancer, breast cancer.
Is it in the stomach? - Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! - No, no, George, George.
No, I'm healthy.
I'm healthy.
Come on, please, honey, it's okay.
Just deep breaths.
[breathing deeply.]
You're You're healthy.
That's good.
It's not your baby.
What? Dayanara's baby, it's not yours.
I am so, so sorry, honey.
I don't understand.
I went to see her.
I thought that I don't know what I thought That I could offer you a hopeful future or that I could take care of your child until you could.
But it is mine.
No, honey, she told me so herself.
We made the love.
Yes, well, apparently, you weren't the only one.
No that baby is mine.
I'm gonna be a father.
- [sighs.]
- I'm gonna get out of here.
I'm gonna be the best father anybody could ever want.
George, why don't you focus on the positive? If it's not yours, maybe we can get you out of here a lot faster That woman and the baby she's carrying are the only things that keep me alive.
They're gonna change my life, Mommy.
They're gonna make me into the man I always knew I could be the man you said I could be.
Okay, sweet pea.
Okay.
He had these beady little eyes, like they were glued onto his face like a koala, you know? I thought I could get past it, first couple of times.
[Crazy Eyes.]
Well, koalas are scary.
Anyhoo, I took him right off my visitors list after today.
[chuckles.]
You are a real slut.
Suzanne that is not nice.
But you seemed so experienced.
Well, yes I guess, I suppose I In a way, I But you It is not nice to call somebody a slut.
Then why do girls like it when men call them sluts during sex? Or bitches? Or dirty whores who love cum? [chuckles.]
Oh, dear, well, that is a complicated question.
Yeah, I don't understand things sometimes.
- Yeah, I know.
- Like sex.
Mmm.
I don't understand sex.
- But you write - No, I made it up.
From my imagination brain influenced by the stuff I read.
It's not real.
It's going to maybe be real, and I don't think I can do it.
I don't know how.
Oh there's a girl.
- Hon, have you not - No.
- Nothing? - No.
- Ever? - No.
[sighs.]
Well I was really scared my first time, too.
I was 14.
I was in the basement at Joey Giordano's house.
- [sighs sharply.]
- [exclaims.]
Listen, your first time it's gonna be messy and bumbling and weird.
Everyone's is.
What do I do with my hands? Put 'em inside her.
Brussels sprouts, ugh, for real? I know, but you can't get away from them these days.
Huh.
- And people actually like them? - Yeah, it's, like, hip or something.
You know, sometimes I'm glad I'm not out in the world, 'cause it seems awful confusing.
It is.
Yeah.
[chuckles nervously.]
Hey, I don't know about you, but I'm craving ice cream, something fierce.
And, um we have some time before we gotta get back, if you wanna stop.
Pull over.
Okay.
[Pennsatucky clears throat.]
You don't have to do that.
- Do what? - Anything.
You don't have to do anything.
We're friends now.
I like you.
If you want ice cream, you just ask, okay? Okay.
What's your favorite flavor? Mmm, my favorite flavor is double fudge chocolate.
Though I've never been able to understand how you could take chocolate, right, and then double it [chuckles.]
and then fudge it.
It is so delicious.
What's yours? Anything with rainbow sprinkles.
[laughing.]
Nice.
- You sure we have time? - We'll be all right.
- Let's get some ice cream.
- All right.
[man on TV.]
You like that, you dirty slut? Yes, yeah.
[woman moaning.]
[Pennsatucky chuckles.]
She makes the funniest sounds.
Why is she smiling? Partly 'cause it's her job to, like a Walmart greeter, and partly 'cause she likes it.
I don't get it.
Why is he about to put his mouth on her her vagina? That's so gross! Take this perverted shit out of here.
- It's not perverted.
- Yeah, it is.
- [chuckles.]
- Hey.
- Hmm? - Stand up.
Where are we going? Stand up.
I'm standing up.
Come here.
Okay.
[Pennsatucky chuckles.]
No don't do that.
Why not? You're slow as molasses, come on.
You look beautiful.
Thank you.
Come here.
Get into bed.
What are you doing? I don't know if I like that.
Oh, Jesus.
[woman on TV.]
Oh, yeah! Are you doing that porn shit on me right now? No, ma'am just taking care of you.
I'm not gonna smile at you.
[chuckles.]
You don't gotta smile.
Just trust me.
[woman on TV moaning.]
My God.
Oh, my God.
Is this what they write songs about? - Shh.
- [moaning.]
Just relax.
- Yeah, I'm relaxed.
- Relax, baby.
[continues moaning.]
Fuck, mmm, yes.
[both laughing.]
Who are you, you magical man? [laughing.]
Oh, my God.
Morello, what is that, like, Sicilian? Oh, I'm not sure.
[chuckles.]
It's a cherry.
I know that.
It's Morello cherries.
You ever heard of those? Well, my nonno used to say to me, "Oh, Lorna, I wanna squeeze you till the cherry juice runs out.
" That's fucking creepy.
[laughing.]
He was.
I guess all Italian grandparents sort of are.
You know, you got the you got the cheek pinching and the kissing and whatnot.
Yeah, yeah.
I was beginning to think it was all men, honestly.
God, Lorna, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
Get out of here.
I'm serious.
Now, you know, I'm gonna deny saying that to my friends.
You know, I can't have them thinking I'm a pussy.
- I'm kidding, right? I'm kidding.
- Right, right, I get it.
- I'm fucking with you.
- [laughing.]
You're crazy.
Oh, Vince.
Vinnie Can I call you Vinnie? Vinnie, that is something that I really like about you.
'Cause you are sensitive, but you're also strong.
Yeah.
There's something about a man in a gold chain that makes me feel [inhales deeply.]
Protected.
I'd always protect you, Lorna, from anything.
Well, there is this one guy.
He's been saying creepy things, and sending me these horrible, disgusting letters telling me about what he wants to do to me making me feel very, very un-ladylike.
What's his name, hmm? Where does he live? I'll kill this fucking prick.
No, no, oh, I couldn't.
I mean, you're so sweet.
What's his fucking name, Lorna? Psst.
- You got yours on? - Hell, yeah.
I feel all sexy underneath my khakis now.
You feel all sexy for who, O'Neill? I feel like I got a secret, you know? Like we're a part of this secret club that no one knows about.
I feel cool.
Oh, my God, you just said that and my nipples got, like, super hard.
[both laughing.]
[mouths.]
Bye.
Bye.
Where'd you get those? Show me your tits, and I'll tell ya.
I'm one of you.
Dear Chapman, thank you thank you for the wonderful gift of new jerk-off material that you have bestowed upon me.
She's got everyone doing it? Even old people? Hey, I still have a vagine, don't I? If we're all wearing them, Chapman's gotta be making a killing.
Well, I don't know what kids are into these days, but people can't be spending more than a couple of bucks for dirty underwear, can they? Got a friend says she's seen it on the Internet for, like, 70 bucks a pop.
Hmm.
Holy shit, that's a whole lot of moolah.
Yeah and all we're getting is flavor packs? [chuckling.]
Oh, no.
[sighs deeply.]
[exhales deeply.]
[Leanne.]
Stop being nervous.
This is our right.
Our Norma-given right, no matter what Caputo says.
Gina, go.
One person here is very bossy, and I am very annoyed by her! Are you talking about me? Um, I didn't think we were supposed to respond.
She's clearly talking about me.
And that's the problem, ain't it? I mean, this is supposed to be about Norma.
Now it's all about you.
Someone has to keep us on mission.
We have a mission? I mean, nobody's here for no mission.
Look, we don't need to be yelling our complaints or cleansing our organs, whatever the fuck that means.
I mean, we're here for Norma, 'cause she makes us feel seen.
Norma makes me feel like I matter.
Norma is my Jesus! Norma is my mother.
Norma is my grandmother.
Norma's my great-grandma.
[Leanne.]
Norma is all of my relatives combined.
[Angie.]
Norma is me.
- Oh! - [Poussey.]
Oh, fuck.
All right, ladies, you were warned.
That's it.
Work duty, now.
Don't say it.
Don't say what? I know what you're thinking.
I really wasn't gonna say anything.
I'm taking the high road.
[scoffs.]
I told you.
She thinks she's better than us.
We're just different, obviously.
"Obviously"? Oh, that is just condescending.
Okay, it's hard to avoid condescension when you're literally below me right now.
[chuckles.]
You're a fucking bitch.
[scoffs.]
You know what? Fine.
Maybe I am better than you.
And I'm not apologizing for it.
You rub it like this to break down the cellulose structure.
See how the leaves are getting darker and less waxy? - That's what you want.
- [chuckles.]
Shit, if you're giving out free massages, I'll take one.
[Red.]
We'll set this aside for dinner.
Now, ratatouille.
- Like the rat movie? - [chuckles.]
[Blanca.]
Charlotte's Web? [Maritza.]
No, like Fievel Goes West.
[Blanca.]
Uh, no, I think it's Stuart Little.
[Maritza.]
American Tail.
- What? - With the mouse.
With the cute little mouse.
He comes to America.
Ooh.
That is the smallest pan I've ever seen.
A small garden.
Everyone grab a fork.
Careful, it's hot.
- Mmm! - Hmm! - Oh, my God.
- Good, yes? [chuckling.]
- I feel - Like a person.
Exactly.
- Hmm, not bad for a white lady.
- I do what I can.
Now, I think I'm going to have some of my own ratatouille.
Give me a little taste of this little masterpiece.
[Blanca speaking Spanish.]
[Dayanara.]
I wanna taste this yellow one.
- Hey, boss.
- [knocking on door.]
How you doing? Come in, Coates.
Don't sit.
Where were you yesterday for count? You were on, but Kowalski said he was short a man for the 4:00 p.
m.
Oh, well, I Apparently, you missed it twice last week, too.
You know, I'm still getting the hang of the schedule around here, and I was on van runs.
You know what? I don't even wanna hear it.
Whatever bullshit excuse you're about to give me.
Consider yourself on official probation.
- Starting now.
- Okay.
What, um what does that mean? It means get your shit together, Coates.
Stop fucking up or you're out of a job.
Yes, sir.
Thank you for seeing me today.
Didn't think you'd be back.
Yeah, well I feel invested.
I don't know why.
It got nothing to do with you.
I wanna adopt the baby, Daya.
[scoffs.]
Why? Why would you wanna adopt the baby? Still? You're in prison.
Your mother is in prison.
[sighs.]
I have a good life, but it's been empty for a really long time, especially since the boys have left the house.
I have space for a child.
I don't see why it shouldn't be yours as long as that's something you still want.
I understand if you can't give her to me anymore.
Her? Oh, sorry.
I know you don't know, but ever since you said it, I just haven't been able to shake the idea.
You'll always be her mother, Dayanara, but I would be truly honored to raise your daughter for you.
[exhales deeply.]
[breathing deeply.]
Yes.
Please take her.
Take her and give her the best life you can give her.
I will.
I promise.
[reporter.]
We're here at the downtown courthouse, where Judy King's sentencing hearing has just been completed.
Here we go.
Hey, hey, hey, move, move, move, move, move.
Hey, what's up? [laughing.]
- Oh, snap.
- Yo, did we miss it? Man, you think all these people be sitting quiet up in here after they announce it? Nah, we good.
Man, this whole Norma thing been fucking up my sense of normalicy.
- Mmm-mmm, it's "normalcy.
" - I don't think any of them is right.
Nah, it's definitely "normalicy.
" - Man, just say, "normal.
" - Why don't y'all just look it up? Can't, ain't no dictionary.
Yeah, so I'm gonna go ahead and live in my reality, and you keep living in yours.
- [Black Cindy.]
Shh.
- I missed you guys.
- Okay, okay.
- [reporter.]
Here he is.
Here he is.
Do you have any details on Judy King's placement, sir? - Litchfield.
- Litchfield.
- Litchfield.
- [all.]
Litchfield.
Knock it off! Knock it off! We'd like to know, sir.
Ms.
King will be serving her time at the Alderson Correctional Facility.
- [inmates groaning.]
- [Taystee.]
What? - [Black Cindy.]
Wow! - [Janae laughing.]
Are you kidding me? - What the fuck? - I'm sorry, P.
It's all right, man.
She probably a uppity bitch, anyhow.
Tell me more about yourself so you will be less mysterious, and I'll be less interested in you.
That sounds like a raw deal for me.
Why did you move here? Where did you live? What is your family like? Well, my dad moved here for a job in Philadelphia.
I am an only child.
And my folks moved back to the mother ship a few years ago.
Do you miss them? I do.
[Alex.]
"I do"? I know we're all lesbians, but isn't it awfully soon to be committing? Shut up, Alex.
What? [chuckles.]
Can't turn around without seeing Litchfield's newest butt-buddies.
We were talking about Stella's family.
[gasps.]
Oh do tell.
- Alex.
- [Alex.]
Come on I'm just trying to hang out with our new friend, Justin Bieber.
Would you like to go speak privately? - I can leave.
- No.
I'm sorry for interrupting.
I'll give you guys some privacy so you can get to know each other even better and fuck.
Jesus.
You are so much more patient than I am.
I would have cut that shit loose months ago.
Well we've been through a lot together.
A person shouldn't do something out of obligation.
If you're gonna do it, do it 'cause you want it.
[sighing.]
What the fuck are you looking at? Nothing.
Please, just leave me alone.
[laughing.]
Leave you alone? What? You've been following me all over this fucking place tracking me.
- [sighing.]
- And then lying about it.
But, yeah, I'll leave you alone - Hey.
- You crazy, psychotic bitch.
I knew he fucking sent you.
This ain't your bathroom.
- [sighs.]
Ours is crowded.
- So? So, I needed a mirror, and it's a free country.
You're living in a different country than me then.
I don't wanna fight with you.
Could've fooled me.
Keeping her son from her.
[sighs.]
Excuse me, I got to wash my hands.
You did not just push me.
Oh, I did.
- [grunts.]
- [glass shatters.]
[gagging.]
No, no, please, please, I'll tell you.
I'll tell you everything.
I'll tell you everything.
- The NSA, it's been infiltrated.
- What? You have no idea who you're messing with.
No? Aren't you the one that took Benny away from me, - even when he didn't do nothing? - Mmm-hmm.
You are trippin'.
I am mothering.
And I'm a ferocious, pissed-off, real mother, but you wouldn't know nothing about that, would you? Nah.
[chuckles.]
'Cause you ain't nothing real.
- Gloria, are you okay? - Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
Get the fuck away from her! - What the fuck are you talking about? - [grunting.]
This whole place is completely bugged.
They've been gathering information on me and they're trying to frame me for treason and for terrorism.
[mumbles.]
The NSA? Yeah, so please, help me.
Please, help me.
Please, I know I know you're one of 'em.
I know who you are.
Hey, I'll work with you, okay? Shit.
[groaning.]
Shit.
[knocking on door.]
- You Christopher? - Yeah, what's going on? So you think it's cool to bother a nice, respectable girl, you sick son of a bitch, huh? You fucking prick! - [Christopher.]
Who the fuck are you? - Get in here! Get this fucking guy! - Get the fuck out of my house.
- Fucking prick.
- You fucking jerk.
- Help! [rock music playing.]
- No, ten more minutes.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Ten more minutes, please.
My dad said I gotta be packed by the morning.
This place is gonna be so stupid when you're gone.
- No, it won't.
- Yeah, it will.
How far is Wyoming? Far.
Take me with you please? I wish I could.
[sighing.]
Hey, wait, come here.
I love you.
And I love you, too.
And I'm coming back for you all right? Bye.
Hey, you're not gonna find any yellow caffeine soda in there, cutie.
I ain't looking for soda.
That's too bad, 'cause I got some for you right here.
Well, I don't do that no more.
You know, I'm being nice, bringing these for you 'cause technically, you owe me.
I don't owe you shit, Abe.
And plus, I have a boyfriend now.
Rumor has it he ain't gonna be around no more 'cause of his drunk daddy.
Will you just leave me alone - It's gonna be real fast.
- Abe, let me be.
Might even take your mind off things.
- Ow, Abe, leave me be.
- It's gonna be really fast.
- Fuck your mama! - Yeah, come on.
- Fuck your mama, Abe.
- Come on.
Come on.
Abe - Come on, it's gonna be real fast.
- I ain't even fucking wet.
It's gonna be real fast.
- [groaning.]
- Just relax, just relax.
Yeah, yeah.
There, that's it.
There's that place, Sweet Licks, over there on Route 8.
Maybe they have rainbow sprinkles.
We could try that out.
I don't feel like it.
What do you mean? If you ain't the type that can eat ice cream every day, then I ain't interested.
Don't touch me.
Jeez, what got into your boxers today? I got in trouble.
I missed count yesterday 'cause of our little detour.
You told me we had enough time, and I believed you.
Sorry.
I didn't realize you had to be back.
Yeah, well, now I'm on probation.
Oh, that's nothing.
I can help you figure out when you gotta be back for count.
No, I don't want any more help from you.
All your help does is get me in trouble.
Hey.
- Come on.
- What do you want from me? - What? Nothing.
- This? - Is this what you want from me? - No, no, don't - This? - No.
[Coates.]
This is what you're asking for? This is what you're begging for, isn't it? You just lay there, and keep still and keep quiet.
You keep quiet.
[breathing heavily.]
This is what you wanted, isn't it? Isn't it? This is what you asked for, isn't it, Doggett? This is what you wanted, huh? This is what you asked for.
Doggett, Doggett, Doggett.
Oh, Doggett, Doggett.
[mumbling.]
I love you, Doggett.
I love you, Doggett.
Doggett.
[folk song playing.]
[theme song playing.]
[cell door slams.]
[cell door slams.]
[boy laughing.]
Mama I'm dying.
Shit.
Ain't you only 11? Mama, I'm 10.
Damn it.
I knew all them chemicals they feed you at school weren't no good for you.
Come on.
Come sit down with your mama, Tiff.
[sighs.]
You ain't dying, baby.
You will, one day.
Ain't no way around that.
But this here, this is life coming out of you.
Kind of like pee.
Don't be scared.
All it means is you ain't a little grubber no more.
Now you're like a case of pop.
You got value.
Look, there's some things you gotta know.
Now that you're a-tittin' and a-hairin', boys are gonna see you different, and pretty soon, they're gonna do you different.
Best thing is to go on and let 'em do their business, baby.
If you're real lucky, most of 'em be quick, like your daddy.
It's like a bee sting, in and out, over before you knew it was happening.
But, Mama, bee stings hurt.
Come on now.
We're celebrating.
Double fudge chocolate, your favorite.
Chin up.
- [baby coos.]
- Mmm.
Wait, damn.
I don't want you bleeding all over the couch there.
Get up, and let's get a Kotex on you.
What's a Kotex? [man speaking indistinctly on PA.]
Hey, uh, Doggett, can we talk for a second? Just leave me alone, okay? Oh, God, you're scared.
Don't be scared, please.
This is awful.
Could you just stop for a second? Thank you.
Um There's a couple donuts in there.
I didn't know how else to sneak them in.
- Look, Tiff - Doggett.
Doggett.
- Um, things got weird the other day.
- Yeah.
I'm real sorry.
I don't know what happened.
This is all new, this guard stuff, and I've never had this much responsibility before.
It's weird.
But I really like it here and I don't wanna fuck it up, and I'm really sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable or did anything you didn't wanna do but maybe you also did want to? 'Cause I could be misinterpreting.
Women are difficult to read sometimes.
I mean, not, like, for everyone.
That's not a generalization.
I'm a feminist.
I just meant for me, specifically.
Anyway, uh, I like talking to you and hanging out with you and stuff.
And I guess maybe I just wasn't sure how to express that or something.
Are you saying you like me? Like, you like me, like me? Or Yeah, I do.
Don't worry about the pond thing.
No? You're just being assertive to your inmates like I taught you, right? Yeah, exactly.
[both chuckling.]
I couldn't stop thinking about it.
You couldn't stop thinking about me? No.
Thank you for the T-shirt treats.
Maybe I'll see you later? I'll be here.
- Okay.
- [both laughing.]
[Luschek sighs.]
Isn't that Healy's spot? Oh.
Yeah, he gave it to me.
He, uh, owed me one.
[weeping woman.]
I'm going to kill myself [sighs.]
If I have to keep eating this food! I've had the same itch for three months straight! I hate papaya! I'm tired of being a burn victim! Why the fuck is we screaming? Just say the first thing that comes to mind.
It'll feel good to get out your frustrations.
This is stupid! [sighs.]
Well, I'd like that to be a little more group-positive, but okay.
Ladies, good morning.
[all.]
Good morning, Mr.
Caputo.
You didn't feel it necessary to put a stop to this? They're expressing their right to religious freedom.
Yeah, it's our sunrise service.
[sighs.]
That's great.
Really super.
Services have been suspended indefinitely, starting now.
Let's go, ladies.
Everybody inside for breakfast.
You can feed your souls with food.
- Let's go.
- But But Stop! Wait, we're a religion.
You can't do this.
I don't care what you call this little collective of weirdos.
You're disturbing the peace in my prison.
But the Wiccans are allowed to meet.
Yes, and you know what the Wiccans are? Oh, I know, I know! Hey.
They're quiet.
Gold star for you.
What? Don't be jealous 'cause I got a gold star.
We're quiet for most of the day, too.
That's our whole thing.
We're venting our frustrations now so the toxic feelings won't eat away at our vital organs.
Yeah, like our livers.
Stop screaming.
Bayley, my office.
[inmates sigh in disappointment.]
[Angie.]
You know how rare it is I actually know the answer to any question? But I need you on my side.
What the fuck is this? I suppose it could be whatever you want.
A journal, place to make a list, uh - You write a book.
- Or write down someone else's every move? - Is that - Well, I Is that something else that you can do with this? Well, I've heard of ladies doing crazier things than that - just to, you know, stay busy in here.
- Stop it.
Just stop, right now.
What? Admit that you've been stalking me.
I have the proof.
Okay, you seem a little agitated right now.
Because you're trying to fucking kill me! Hey, calm down.
- This psycho - Oh! Has been writing down everything that I do.
- What are you talking about? - Look, this is hers.
Who's AV? - I - [Alex.]
What? Me.
I'm AV.
Alex Vause.
Put this loon in Psych before she hurts someone.
- Is this true? - Don't know what she's talking about, sir.
This is my notebook.
Bullshit, this is yours! It was in your bunk! What were you doing in her bunk? And look, look, look, look, look.
That's not even my handwriting.
Jesus, Vause, you losing your marbles or what? - That's two shots.
- [mimics shooting.]
One for disturbing the peace, and one for a classic 219, stealing.
I'm in trouble? [scoffs.]
Are you serious? This is fucking insane.
Vause, I suggest you take your shots and walk away or your next stop's gonna be the SHU.
Choo-choo! Excellent train whistle, sir.
She crazy.
[reporter.]
We're getting reports that the jury and Judge Appel have returned to the courtroom, which means after 16 hours of deliberation, we are about to hear a verdict in this high-profile case.
Quiet.
Everyone be quiet.
Here it comes.
Oh, this brings back so many memories.
And that bitch gotta be scared right now.
- I'm sorry, what was that? - Scared.
- Oh, scared? - That's what I just Man, never mind.
Where my girls at? And the ruling is in.
Judy King, guilty on all counts.
[all cheering.]
- Litchfield! Litchfield! - Wow! [all chanting.]
Litchfield! Litchfield! [laughs.]
Come on and get some.
[singing.]
That bitch is coming to Litchfield Then we'll arrange for a discreet hand-off at a specific time at a previously agreed-upon location that works for all parties.
You're making my ass so happy right now.
Those saggy prison panties been depressing my cheeks.
Like, I think they've been drooping from sadness.
- Mmm.
- Yeah, me, too.
I gotta turn around my booty frown.
And speaking of asses, what makes you think that we won't be turning yours in? [Stella sighs.]
Because we're gonna pay you for it.
Yo, who the fuck is Crocodile Dundee over here? I am the keeper of the packets, you drongo.
- What'd you call me? - Hey, hey, hey.
Everything's fine.
This is Stella.
She's cool.
Yo, I don't like surprises.
Yeah, my accent can be very alarming.
This is a win-win.
You get to make your meals partially-edible and wear panties that make your butts happy.
There's a thong and six packets of ramen flavor in there for each of you.
That's three meals a day, for two days.
We'll give you a new laundry bag when you turn them in.
You stealing these from work? I'm not stealing.
I'm appropriating unused materials and capitalizing.
Shit, I should have thought of this.
Flaca, we can be, like, panty twinsies.
Oh, like old times.
Okay, I'm in.
Me, too.
[Piper.]
Mmm-hmm.
Fine.
Just don't say "twinsies" around me again.
Fantastic, and remember, ladies, stay active.
Almost blew that one.
Bitches be sensitive around here.
You're fine.
And you're hot when you're closing.
What are you [sighing.]
Shit.
What? You need to talk about the other night, right? Like, process your guilt and shame for cheating on your girlfriend? I get it, I get it, but I'm not your girl for that.
Actually, I don't.
I've done the whole "guilty, whining, tortured cheater" thing, and it's annoying.
What happened, happened.
And I'm not interested in sitting around, analyzing everything I do anymore.
Hmm.
Bravo to you.
That was an excellent speech.
No, really.
Almost as good as Bill Pullman's freedom speech in Independence Day.
[Piper.]
Fuck Bill Pullman and his stupid, smarmy, thin-lipped face.
[gate opening.]
I see you! That's right.
Run, rabbit, run.
Oh, man, focus on this line.
I'm gonna finish.
You can do this.
You can do this.
You're a champion.
- Hey.
- Wait.
I think I have something to help.
That's fantastic.
You think so? I mean, I hoped you'd think so.
I just wasn't sure.
I do.
I really do.
What are we talking about again? Uh, your writer's block.
Um I wrote this for you.
[chuckles.]
It's probably better if you read it out loud, so you can hear the rhythm.
"Here are some ideas for your series, because I know you've been getting a lot of queries.
I can tell you've been feeling stressed.
Perhaps that's because you're repressed.
May I suggest you pander to your audience with more girl-on-girl stuff? It's not rocket science.
" - That's not a pure - Pure rhyme, I know.
There's more.
Go on.
"Why not let me be helpful? You might've noticed I'm eligible.
" Yes, another slanted rhyme.
Keep going.
"If you need to research the activities, I'd be happy to join you, as I have homo-proclivities.
" You don't have to say anything.
Please don't.
It would be, um, too much for me.
I'm gonna be in the broom closet tonight after dinner.
I hope you'll meet me.
This one time, my sister and I were at a drive-through, and right when we pulled up to the speaker to order, she just started giggling for no real reason.
She just couldn't stop, and so I started laughing.
And I think we were there for, like, five whole minutes with this voice saying over and over, "Hello? Are you ready to order?" I didn't mean to laugh at Leanne, but I just got this picture in my head of that Amish thing, and it's genetic.
Genetic nervous laughter.
I can't control it.
- Did you tell her that? - No.
It probably would have come out all wrong anyway.
I never seem to say the right thing.
And you're caught in that cycle where you feel like no one likes you, so you start trying too hard, which only makes you more unlikable.
Is this where you tell me to take the happy pills and stop whining? - [sighs.]
- Brook, you're in prison.
I can't imagine a more reasonable time for you to experience depression.
Your response is appropriate.
Why should that be medicated? Because I feel so horrible.
I'm so lonely.
Well, now you have me.
You can come in here and chat every day.
No offense, but that's, like, so lame.
It's like being that kid who has to eat lunch with the teacher 'cause no one else wants to eat with her.
Or maybe you're having a hard time making friends because you're different from the other women in here, Brook, and maybe that's not a bad thing.
[chuckles.]
[Blanca.]
Hmm [speaking Spanish.]
She has six toes on her right foot.
- Ew.
- [continues speaking Spanish.]
And she lived in a Greyhound bus for a year.
- [speaking Spanish.]
- [laughing.]
Her mother doesn't believe in Number three's a lie.
[laughing.]
No way, she ain't got no six toes.
No, no, she does.
I saw that shit once.
- What? - [Maritza.]
Oh.
- It's like a little nubbin.
- That's nasty.
That's nasty.
No, but whose mommy is crazy enough to make her skip a birthday? Pero you seen Blanca on one of her bad days.
That shit's in your blood.
Coño, nobody's gonna choose the bus because that's normal for everybody? [all.]
Yeah.
- Oh, what's Red Rover up to? - Beats me.
I'm keeping busy, as all of you should be trying to do, too.
Can't listen to all this hen chatter anymore.
But how we supposed to keep busy if throwing those fart bags into boiling water takes 10 minutes? - [exclaiming.]
- Holy shit, fresh veggies.
Keep off of 'em.
Purpose, girls.
Everyone needs to find her purpose.
Beautiful, what have you got? Look at this.
Your skin looks like it will be very soft.
[chuckles.]
You know, like a peach or a baby pig's belly.
[laughs.]
[chuckles nervously.]
I aspire to put my hands on it and to inhale your hair.
[sighs heavily.]
In my dreams, it smells like freshly-baked gingerbread and my mother's rice pudding swirled together.
Oh! [chuckles.]
- That is quite a combination.
- Yeah.
[Crystal.]
He know he's been punished, and then I find him hiding in his closet with his phone, texting some girl.
His phone that was locked in my desk drawer.
You broke into your mother's desk? She can't take my shit.
It's mine.
Do you see that? Hey, nothing is yours.
You live by the grace of me.
[Sophia.]
Michael, look at me.
This behavior of yours is unacceptable.
I don't know what's going on with you, but you need to get your act together right now.
You don't get it.
What don't I get? Tell me.
- You need to stop.
- Stop what? Acting like you care.
Michael, I just want I don't care what you want.
- Michael, get back here now.
- What you gonna do about it? Something on your mind, pumpkin? I'm gonna kill her.
You gotta be more specific than that.
Sophia, she's over there she's having a nice visit with her son while I'm over here doing what? Nothing, trying to stay busy, huh? Ignoring the fact that she took my son away from me even though he didn't even do nothing.
Did I tell you about that? I talked to him.
He said it was all Michael.
áEl pendejito ese! It was all him.
Benny, he ran.
Benny ran as soon as he saw them starting to fight.
You mentioned that once or twice or 15 times, yes.
I miss I miss him, mana.
I miss him.
I miss all of them.
I know.
You want some of mine? You are so stupid.
[both chuckling.]
Which one is it again? - The cute one with the scraggly goatee.
- Oh.
I still maintain you'd make a good dyke.
Come on.
Diving into all that facial hair, no different than pussy.
Ugh.
First of all, that's really gross, okay? Jesus.
And, secondly, I actually really like him, all right? It's not because of all the donuts.
Mmm.
We talk about things and stuff Deep shit.
Hey, maybe next time you could suck his dick, get us an ice cream cake.
Come on, you know that would melt before it got here, so that's not a good idea, duh.
[rock music playing.]
- [gun firing.]
- Oh, yeah.
[Pennsatucky.]
Do you have an extra cigarette? - [gun firing.]
- [glass shattering.]
[man.]
Yeah, sweet.
Hey, Doggett, you down? I told you I only accept Visa, MasterCard or Mountain Dew.
[chuckles.]
Damn.
Can you put me on a payment plan? Get that shit to you tomorrow, I swear.
You look hot in that skirt.
Mmm.
[Pennsatucky.]
Sure.
[Abe.]
Come on, all right.
Yeah, I told you.
[Abe.]
Yeah.
Ow! Fuck me! I just got bit or stung by something.
- Well, come on, get back here.
- Get your fucking hands off me! [Abe.]
Oh, come on, don't do that.
Shut the fuck up.
I just got stung or bit.
I was almost there, Tiff.
Oh, fuck you and your blue balls.
[Abe.]
Oh, you gonna leave me unfinished? All right.
[Pennsatucky.]
Fucking hurts.
[rock music continues.]
You okay? No, I think I got a spider bite or a bee sting.
- One sec.
- Yeah.
Let's have a look.
What, are you a faggot or something? [chuckles.]
No, my family camps a lot.
Is being prepared for emergencies not manly down here? [groaning.]
Ow.
Nah, I just wouldn't spread it around too much.
So, what, did y'all just move here? Yeah my dad's working at the mine till he gets fired for being a drunk and we move again.
Yeah, but you don't gotta worry about that around here, 'cause everybody's a drunk.
There you go you're all patched up.
Thank you.
I'm Nathan.
You wanna hang out sometime? See a movie or something? What do I gotta do? Uh be my date? All right.
- All right, I'll see you.
- Stop.
[Nathan chuckles.]
[woman speaking indistinctly on PA.]
[sniffing.]
Hello, curly-haired person.
Hey.
- You Jewish, right? - Cuban.
Shit.
Really? Extra fruit cup for you, Norma.
Where the fuck were you today? Is that a real question? Like, you, for real, want me to make the prison joke? Judy King got sentenced this morning.
- Oh, shit, yo! - [both laughing.]
- Shh! - [whispers.]
Sorry.
Why are you not allowed to talk? [softly.]
It's all about not contributing to the noise and shit.
Yo, don't think I'm crazy or nothing, but it actually sort of makes me feel calm like the wall's not closing in on me like I can breathe.
I didn't hear anything you just said.
But your girl's guilty, and she's probably coming to Litchfield.
They're gonna announce it [yelling.]
tomorrow! [softly.]
Judy King coming here? That's what I just said! [softly.]
Unless my noise is too much for you.
[mouths.]
[laughing.]
Hey, did you know we're not in a union anymore? - Sorry, what? - Now, come on, this is serious.
I called our union rep this morning to ask about my medical plan.
She says we're not in a union anymore, not since MCC took over.
Those motherfuckers.
I gotta reiterate.
I don't give a single shit about this.
Look, even if you don't got kids to support, you can't tell me that you don't care about the money.
Crazy thing happened.
Uh, a couple months ago, this dude in a sharp suit shows up at my front door, says I'm sitting on valuable land.
They traced oil deposits or some shit to right underneath my house.
Asked me if I mind them coming in and digging.
Says they'll compensate me for my time.
And I say, "Sure, I don't give a shit.
" And now, what do you know? These government checks start showing up in my mailbox every week or so, so, uh, I'm pretty set.
You know, my cousin said that he bought H off your brother-in-law a couple weeks back.
You don't know nothing about that, do you? [mouths.]
Nah.
My last name is Ginsberg, for fuck's sake.
And? Okay, my Hebrew name is Shayna Malka.
- Huh? - Shayna Malka? I was Bat Mitzvahed at Temple Beth Israel, and at the party, I sang Wind Beneath My Wings backed by a full orchestra.
Killed it, by the way.
But hold up though, shawty.
You got blonde hair and blue eyes.
You know what I'm saying? That combo don't show up much with y'all, from what I hear.
Okay, so clearly you're already an expert.
Okay, I'm gonna go sit at another table.
No, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.
No, now, I'm just assessin' over here.
You know what I'm sayin'? I'm offering hella commissary for some Jew 411, so I'm gonna need to know I'm getting my candy's worth, okay? Now, calm the fuck down.
Next question.
What you in here for? Money laundering.
Okay, now we talkin'.
[buzzing.]
How you doing, sweet pea? [whimpering.]
It's good to see you, Mommy.
[sighs heavily.]
You look so pale, honey.
- Are you all right? - Mmm.
Mommy, she hasn't written me back.
I write her every day, tell her how much I love her.
I write lists of names for the baby, compose short stories about the future of our relationship, remind her of other star-crossed lovers throughout history who have overcome great obstacles to be together, Romeo and Juliet, Lolita and the old guy, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins.
Honey, none of those couples ended up together.
I love her, Mommy.
[inhales sharply.]
I love her.
I know you do.
I was not a rapist with her.
We made love.
"Guard, prisoner," they're just words.
I need to get out of here and claim my family.
George, George.
You're right.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
All "me, me, me" again, right? How are you? George, I have some difficult news for you, and I need you to promise me that you are going to take a deep breath and try to have an appropriate response, just like we always used to practice.
- Oh, my God.
- All right? You're sick.
You have cancer, breast cancer.
Is it in the stomach? - Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! - No, no, George, George.
No, I'm healthy.
I'm healthy.
Come on, please, honey, it's okay.
Just deep breaths.
[breathing deeply.]
You're You're healthy.
That's good.
It's not your baby.
What? Dayanara's baby, it's not yours.
I am so, so sorry, honey.
I don't understand.
I went to see her.
I thought that I don't know what I thought That I could offer you a hopeful future or that I could take care of your child until you could.
But it is mine.
No, honey, she told me so herself.
We made the love.
Yes, well, apparently, you weren't the only one.
No that baby is mine.
I'm gonna be a father.
- [sighs.]
- I'm gonna get out of here.
I'm gonna be the best father anybody could ever want.
George, why don't you focus on the positive? If it's not yours, maybe we can get you out of here a lot faster That woman and the baby she's carrying are the only things that keep me alive.
They're gonna change my life, Mommy.
They're gonna make me into the man I always knew I could be the man you said I could be.
Okay, sweet pea.
Okay.
He had these beady little eyes, like they were glued onto his face like a koala, you know? I thought I could get past it, first couple of times.
[Crazy Eyes.]
Well, koalas are scary.
Anyhoo, I took him right off my visitors list after today.
[chuckles.]
You are a real slut.
Suzanne that is not nice.
But you seemed so experienced.
Well, yes I guess, I suppose I In a way, I But you It is not nice to call somebody a slut.
Then why do girls like it when men call them sluts during sex? Or bitches? Or dirty whores who love cum? [chuckles.]
Oh, dear, well, that is a complicated question.
Yeah, I don't understand things sometimes.
- Yeah, I know.
- Like sex.
Mmm.
I don't understand sex.
- But you write - No, I made it up.
From my imagination brain influenced by the stuff I read.
It's not real.
It's going to maybe be real, and I don't think I can do it.
I don't know how.
Oh there's a girl.
- Hon, have you not - No.
- Nothing? - No.
- Ever? - No.
[sighs.]
Well I was really scared my first time, too.
I was 14.
I was in the basement at Joey Giordano's house.
- [sighs sharply.]
- [exclaims.]
Listen, your first time it's gonna be messy and bumbling and weird.
Everyone's is.
What do I do with my hands? Put 'em inside her.
Brussels sprouts, ugh, for real? I know, but you can't get away from them these days.
Huh.
- And people actually like them? - Yeah, it's, like, hip or something.
You know, sometimes I'm glad I'm not out in the world, 'cause it seems awful confusing.
It is.
Yeah.
[chuckles nervously.]
Hey, I don't know about you, but I'm craving ice cream, something fierce.
And, um we have some time before we gotta get back, if you wanna stop.
Pull over.
Okay.
[Pennsatucky clears throat.]
You don't have to do that.
- Do what? - Anything.
You don't have to do anything.
We're friends now.
I like you.
If you want ice cream, you just ask, okay? Okay.
What's your favorite flavor? Mmm, my favorite flavor is double fudge chocolate.
Though I've never been able to understand how you could take chocolate, right, and then double it [chuckles.]
and then fudge it.
It is so delicious.
What's yours? Anything with rainbow sprinkles.
[laughing.]
Nice.
- You sure we have time? - We'll be all right.
- Let's get some ice cream.
- All right.
[man on TV.]
You like that, you dirty slut? Yes, yeah.
[woman moaning.]
[Pennsatucky chuckles.]
She makes the funniest sounds.
Why is she smiling? Partly 'cause it's her job to, like a Walmart greeter, and partly 'cause she likes it.
I don't get it.
Why is he about to put his mouth on her her vagina? That's so gross! Take this perverted shit out of here.
- It's not perverted.
- Yeah, it is.
- [chuckles.]
- Hey.
- Hmm? - Stand up.
Where are we going? Stand up.
I'm standing up.
Come here.
Okay.
[Pennsatucky chuckles.]
No don't do that.
Why not? You're slow as molasses, come on.
You look beautiful.
Thank you.
Come here.
Get into bed.
What are you doing? I don't know if I like that.
Oh, Jesus.
[woman on TV.]
Oh, yeah! Are you doing that porn shit on me right now? No, ma'am just taking care of you.
I'm not gonna smile at you.
[chuckles.]
You don't gotta smile.
Just trust me.
[woman on TV moaning.]
My God.
Oh, my God.
Is this what they write songs about? - Shh.
- [moaning.]
Just relax.
- Yeah, I'm relaxed.
- Relax, baby.
[continues moaning.]
Fuck, mmm, yes.
[both laughing.]
Who are you, you magical man? [laughing.]
Oh, my God.
Morello, what is that, like, Sicilian? Oh, I'm not sure.
[chuckles.]
It's a cherry.
I know that.
It's Morello cherries.
You ever heard of those? Well, my nonno used to say to me, "Oh, Lorna, I wanna squeeze you till the cherry juice runs out.
" That's fucking creepy.
[laughing.]
He was.
I guess all Italian grandparents sort of are.
You know, you got the you got the cheek pinching and the kissing and whatnot.
Yeah, yeah.
I was beginning to think it was all men, honestly.
God, Lorna, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
Get out of here.
I'm serious.
Now, you know, I'm gonna deny saying that to my friends.
You know, I can't have them thinking I'm a pussy.
- I'm kidding, right? I'm kidding.
- Right, right, I get it.
- I'm fucking with you.
- [laughing.]
You're crazy.
Oh, Vince.
Vinnie Can I call you Vinnie? Vinnie, that is something that I really like about you.
'Cause you are sensitive, but you're also strong.
Yeah.
There's something about a man in a gold chain that makes me feel [inhales deeply.]
Protected.
I'd always protect you, Lorna, from anything.
Well, there is this one guy.
He's been saying creepy things, and sending me these horrible, disgusting letters telling me about what he wants to do to me making me feel very, very un-ladylike.
What's his name, hmm? Where does he live? I'll kill this fucking prick.
No, no, oh, I couldn't.
I mean, you're so sweet.
What's his fucking name, Lorna? Psst.
- You got yours on? - Hell, yeah.
I feel all sexy underneath my khakis now.
You feel all sexy for who, O'Neill? I feel like I got a secret, you know? Like we're a part of this secret club that no one knows about.
I feel cool.
Oh, my God, you just said that and my nipples got, like, super hard.
[both laughing.]
[mouths.]
Bye.
Bye.
Where'd you get those? Show me your tits, and I'll tell ya.
I'm one of you.
Dear Chapman, thank you thank you for the wonderful gift of new jerk-off material that you have bestowed upon me.
She's got everyone doing it? Even old people? Hey, I still have a vagine, don't I? If we're all wearing them, Chapman's gotta be making a killing.
Well, I don't know what kids are into these days, but people can't be spending more than a couple of bucks for dirty underwear, can they? Got a friend says she's seen it on the Internet for, like, 70 bucks a pop.
Hmm.
Holy shit, that's a whole lot of moolah.
Yeah and all we're getting is flavor packs? [chuckling.]
Oh, no.
[sighs deeply.]
[exhales deeply.]
[Leanne.]
Stop being nervous.
This is our right.
Our Norma-given right, no matter what Caputo says.
Gina, go.
One person here is very bossy, and I am very annoyed by her! Are you talking about me? Um, I didn't think we were supposed to respond.
She's clearly talking about me.
And that's the problem, ain't it? I mean, this is supposed to be about Norma.
Now it's all about you.
Someone has to keep us on mission.
We have a mission? I mean, nobody's here for no mission.
Look, we don't need to be yelling our complaints or cleansing our organs, whatever the fuck that means.
I mean, we're here for Norma, 'cause she makes us feel seen.
Norma makes me feel like I matter.
Norma is my Jesus! Norma is my mother.
Norma is my grandmother.
Norma's my great-grandma.
[Leanne.]
Norma is all of my relatives combined.
[Angie.]
Norma is me.
- Oh! - [Poussey.]
Oh, fuck.
All right, ladies, you were warned.
That's it.
Work duty, now.
Don't say it.
Don't say what? I know what you're thinking.
I really wasn't gonna say anything.
I'm taking the high road.
[scoffs.]
I told you.
She thinks she's better than us.
We're just different, obviously.
"Obviously"? Oh, that is just condescending.
Okay, it's hard to avoid condescension when you're literally below me right now.
[chuckles.]
You're a fucking bitch.
[scoffs.]
You know what? Fine.
Maybe I am better than you.
And I'm not apologizing for it.
You rub it like this to break down the cellulose structure.
See how the leaves are getting darker and less waxy? - That's what you want.
- [chuckles.]
Shit, if you're giving out free massages, I'll take one.
[Red.]
We'll set this aside for dinner.
Now, ratatouille.
- Like the rat movie? - [chuckles.]
[Blanca.]
Charlotte's Web? [Maritza.]
No, like Fievel Goes West.
[Blanca.]
Uh, no, I think it's Stuart Little.
[Maritza.]
American Tail.
- What? - With the mouse.
With the cute little mouse.
He comes to America.
Ooh.
That is the smallest pan I've ever seen.
A small garden.
Everyone grab a fork.
Careful, it's hot.
- Mmm! - Hmm! - Oh, my God.
- Good, yes? [chuckling.]
- I feel - Like a person.
Exactly.
- Hmm, not bad for a white lady.
- I do what I can.
Now, I think I'm going to have some of my own ratatouille.
Give me a little taste of this little masterpiece.
[Blanca speaking Spanish.]
[Dayanara.]
I wanna taste this yellow one.
- Hey, boss.
- [knocking on door.]
How you doing? Come in, Coates.
Don't sit.
Where were you yesterday for count? You were on, but Kowalski said he was short a man for the 4:00 p.
m.
Oh, well, I Apparently, you missed it twice last week, too.
You know, I'm still getting the hang of the schedule around here, and I was on van runs.
You know what? I don't even wanna hear it.
Whatever bullshit excuse you're about to give me.
Consider yourself on official probation.
- Starting now.
- Okay.
What, um what does that mean? It means get your shit together, Coates.
Stop fucking up or you're out of a job.
Yes, sir.
Thank you for seeing me today.
Didn't think you'd be back.
Yeah, well I feel invested.
I don't know why.
It got nothing to do with you.
I wanna adopt the baby, Daya.
[scoffs.]
Why? Why would you wanna adopt the baby? Still? You're in prison.
Your mother is in prison.
[sighs.]
I have a good life, but it's been empty for a really long time, especially since the boys have left the house.
I have space for a child.
I don't see why it shouldn't be yours as long as that's something you still want.
I understand if you can't give her to me anymore.
Her? Oh, sorry.
I know you don't know, but ever since you said it, I just haven't been able to shake the idea.
You'll always be her mother, Dayanara, but I would be truly honored to raise your daughter for you.
[exhales deeply.]
[breathing deeply.]
Yes.
Please take her.
Take her and give her the best life you can give her.
I will.
I promise.
[reporter.]
We're here at the downtown courthouse, where Judy King's sentencing hearing has just been completed.
Here we go.
Hey, hey, hey, move, move, move, move, move.
Hey, what's up? [laughing.]
- Oh, snap.
- Yo, did we miss it? Man, you think all these people be sitting quiet up in here after they announce it? Nah, we good.
Man, this whole Norma thing been fucking up my sense of normalicy.
- Mmm-mmm, it's "normalcy.
" - I don't think any of them is right.
Nah, it's definitely "normalicy.
" - Man, just say, "normal.
" - Why don't y'all just look it up? Can't, ain't no dictionary.
Yeah, so I'm gonna go ahead and live in my reality, and you keep living in yours.
- [Black Cindy.]
Shh.
- I missed you guys.
- Okay, okay.
- [reporter.]
Here he is.
Here he is.
Do you have any details on Judy King's placement, sir? - Litchfield.
- Litchfield.
- Litchfield.
- [all.]
Litchfield.
Knock it off! Knock it off! We'd like to know, sir.
Ms.
King will be serving her time at the Alderson Correctional Facility.
- [inmates groaning.]
- [Taystee.]
What? - [Black Cindy.]
Wow! - [Janae laughing.]
Are you kidding me? - What the fuck? - I'm sorry, P.
It's all right, man.
She probably a uppity bitch, anyhow.
Tell me more about yourself so you will be less mysterious, and I'll be less interested in you.
That sounds like a raw deal for me.
Why did you move here? Where did you live? What is your family like? Well, my dad moved here for a job in Philadelphia.
I am an only child.
And my folks moved back to the mother ship a few years ago.
Do you miss them? I do.
[Alex.]
"I do"? I know we're all lesbians, but isn't it awfully soon to be committing? Shut up, Alex.
What? [chuckles.]
Can't turn around without seeing Litchfield's newest butt-buddies.
We were talking about Stella's family.
[gasps.]
Oh do tell.
- Alex.
- [Alex.]
Come on I'm just trying to hang out with our new friend, Justin Bieber.
Would you like to go speak privately? - I can leave.
- No.
I'm sorry for interrupting.
I'll give you guys some privacy so you can get to know each other even better and fuck.
Jesus.
You are so much more patient than I am.
I would have cut that shit loose months ago.
Well we've been through a lot together.
A person shouldn't do something out of obligation.
If you're gonna do it, do it 'cause you want it.
[sighing.]
What the fuck are you looking at? Nothing.
Please, just leave me alone.
[laughing.]
Leave you alone? What? You've been following me all over this fucking place tracking me.
- [sighing.]
- And then lying about it.
But, yeah, I'll leave you alone - Hey.
- You crazy, psychotic bitch.
I knew he fucking sent you.
This ain't your bathroom.
- [sighs.]
Ours is crowded.
- So? So, I needed a mirror, and it's a free country.
You're living in a different country than me then.
I don't wanna fight with you.
Could've fooled me.
Keeping her son from her.
[sighs.]
Excuse me, I got to wash my hands.
You did not just push me.
Oh, I did.
- [grunts.]
- [glass shatters.]
[gagging.]
No, no, please, please, I'll tell you.
I'll tell you everything.
I'll tell you everything.
- The NSA, it's been infiltrated.
- What? You have no idea who you're messing with.
No? Aren't you the one that took Benny away from me, - even when he didn't do nothing? - Mmm-hmm.
You are trippin'.
I am mothering.
And I'm a ferocious, pissed-off, real mother, but you wouldn't know nothing about that, would you? Nah.
[chuckles.]
'Cause you ain't nothing real.
- Gloria, are you okay? - Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
Get the fuck away from her! - What the fuck are you talking about? - [grunting.]
This whole place is completely bugged.
They've been gathering information on me and they're trying to frame me for treason and for terrorism.
[mumbles.]
The NSA? Yeah, so please, help me.
Please, help me.
Please, I know I know you're one of 'em.
I know who you are.
Hey, I'll work with you, okay? Shit.
[groaning.]
Shit.
[knocking on door.]
- You Christopher? - Yeah, what's going on? So you think it's cool to bother a nice, respectable girl, you sick son of a bitch, huh? You fucking prick! - [Christopher.]
Who the fuck are you? - Get in here! Get this fucking guy! - Get the fuck out of my house.
- Fucking prick.
- You fucking jerk.
- Help! [rock music playing.]
- No, ten more minutes.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Ten more minutes, please.
My dad said I gotta be packed by the morning.
This place is gonna be so stupid when you're gone.
- No, it won't.
- Yeah, it will.
How far is Wyoming? Far.
Take me with you please? I wish I could.
[sighing.]
Hey, wait, come here.
I love you.
And I love you, too.
And I'm coming back for you all right? Bye.
Hey, you're not gonna find any yellow caffeine soda in there, cutie.
I ain't looking for soda.
That's too bad, 'cause I got some for you right here.
Well, I don't do that no more.
You know, I'm being nice, bringing these for you 'cause technically, you owe me.
I don't owe you shit, Abe.
And plus, I have a boyfriend now.
Rumor has it he ain't gonna be around no more 'cause of his drunk daddy.
Will you just leave me alone - It's gonna be real fast.
- Abe, let me be.
Might even take your mind off things.
- Ow, Abe, leave me be.
- It's gonna be really fast.
- Fuck your mama! - Yeah, come on.
- Fuck your mama, Abe.
- Come on.
Come on.
Abe - Come on, it's gonna be real fast.
- I ain't even fucking wet.
It's gonna be real fast.
- [groaning.]
- Just relax, just relax.
Yeah, yeah.
There, that's it.
There's that place, Sweet Licks, over there on Route 8.
Maybe they have rainbow sprinkles.
We could try that out.
I don't feel like it.
What do you mean? If you ain't the type that can eat ice cream every day, then I ain't interested.
Don't touch me.
Jeez, what got into your boxers today? I got in trouble.
I missed count yesterday 'cause of our little detour.
You told me we had enough time, and I believed you.
Sorry.
I didn't realize you had to be back.
Yeah, well, now I'm on probation.
Oh, that's nothing.
I can help you figure out when you gotta be back for count.
No, I don't want any more help from you.
All your help does is get me in trouble.
Hey.
- Come on.
- What do you want from me? - What? Nothing.
- This? - Is this what you want from me? - No, no, don't - This? - No.
[Coates.]
This is what you're asking for? This is what you're begging for, isn't it? You just lay there, and keep still and keep quiet.
You keep quiet.
[breathing heavily.]
This is what you wanted, isn't it? Isn't it? This is what you asked for, isn't it, Doggett? This is what you wanted, huh? This is what you asked for.
Doggett, Doggett, Doggett.
Oh, Doggett, Doggett.
[mumbling.]
I love you, Doggett.
I love you, Doggett.
Doggett.
[folk song playing.]