Orange Is the New Black s03e13 Episode Script
Trust No Bitch
by CookiesMonsta Sit, sit, sit.
We don't give a shit about the movie.
My heart is beating so fast right now.
Bony, rat-faced son of a bitch deserved to grow an ass tulip.
What in the fuck is wrong with us? We ain't rapey enough.
I mean, I sure as hell don't wanna keep staring down that naked, hairy butthole and trying to pull apart them sticky cheeks.
Do you think that he agonized over this like some little bitch? No.
He planned his rape, and he raped his plan.
He didn't plan it.
At least not the first time.
How do I know that he didn't feel bad? I mean, after he came? He could actually hate himself.
Well, he fucking should.
He's a rapist.
Well, then maybe it's good that we didn't shove a carrot down his rabbit hole, 'cause we could be sitting here, hating on ourselves too, Boo.
Face it we ain't Swedish enough to be splitting his starfish.
And I ain't a rapist.
I ain't, and I feel good about it.
Well, I hope that is a consolation tomorrow when you have van duty.
Shit.
Oh.
Maybe I'll drink that Mexican diarrhea tea that the fat chicolos make, and I'll be too sick to work.
Yeah, that's great, but what about the next day, and the day after that and the next? He's got you.
God, there's no fucking justice! Yeah, and I really don't like tea.
Hmm? - I'm freaking the fuck out.
- Relax, I'll catch you up.
See, she's uptight, right, and he's this unpredictable sous chef No, Soso is dead in the library.
For real, I think.
Look, I walked in Go find a CO.
No, I wanna see.
Where is she? Will you please just come? Can we see? Oh, please, please, please, please, with extra sugar on top.
- Please, please - Okay.
You save our seats, and tell me everything I miss.
Fine.
Dead bodies.
Dead bodies, dead bodies, dead bodies, dead bodies.
Come on.
- She ain't dead.
- She ain't? I done seen enough dead to know alive.
Here.
What we gonna do with her? If only we had an invisibility cloak.
Or an extremely deep and wide belly button.
Stop it.
Man, we need to make sure the girl don't go to Psych.
No.
Like, N-O, no.
Psych's so bad.
I wouldn't even wish it on the people running it.
Although that would be poetic in its own way.
On my count, all right? One, two Watch her head, watch her head.
Got it.
Got it.
I got it.
- All right, you get the front.
- I got the back.
Three, four, and wrong! Well? I skipped the final repetition and played directly into the coda.
You thought I wouldn't notice? Do you know what happens to cheaters? They go to hell.
Who told you that? Brook! Reverend Pat Roberts.
I didn't watch TV on purpose.
Jessica's parents always have The 700 Club on.
And that's why Jessica never places at the science fair.
There is no hell.
There is no heaven.
When we die, all that remains are the memories of our achievements.
And cheaters are very quickly forgotten.
Again.
Play.
And sit up straight! Hey.
You have a nice day? We went to Olive Garden.
Well, I had a good day, too.
Helped some inmates.
Your Russian friend? Yeah, and an Asian girl.
Had a case of jailbird blues.
Hey did you ever consider that you're technically Asian? Round-eyed Asian with blond hair? I'm Ukrainian.
I'm making a joke.
You know, it wouldn't kill you to smile once in a while.
It's not like I'm asking you to sleep in my bed or bring me back leftovers of Lasagna Classico which you pay for with my money, which you know I enjoy, which you never finish! _ - You know what? - I had a really good day today.
I had a really good day today.
And I just wanted to come home and share it with you and you don't care.
At all! _ _ I think you and your mother ought to go get an apartment.
- I'll help you pay for it.
- You would do that? I'm surrounded by women in captivity all day long.
I don't need to come home to another one who feels like she's trapped in a cage.
Well, what you waiting for? Why don't you put your fingers down her throat? Knowing what to do does not make me bottom bitch of the vomitorium.
Maybe stick your fingers down your own throat.
People see or hear other people puke, makes them wanna do it.
Sympathetic vomiting.
Just Fine, we wasting time.
- Just fuck it.
- No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Ew.
- Easier cleanup.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Good.
Go.
Okay.
Yes.
Oh, Jesus! Ew! Chunks! That's nasty! Hmm, but look at all them pills.
Sympathetic vomiting.
Pull the drain.
Now, should we stick a needle in her heart or something? This ain't Pulp Fiction, and that ain't heroin.
Well, why ain't she awake? 'Cause she ate fistfuls of pills like they was Tic Tacs - and she weighs three pounds.
- Good point.
We gotta watch her and make sure she doesn't stop breathing, and if she does, we give her CPR.
Shit.
Look, if that happens, man, you giving her the mouth-to-throw-up-mouth, all right? She okay? There's no blood in it, so that's good.
Huh.
She'll be fine.
Man, why this shit gotta happen on movie night? Anybody want some cigarettes? I found these hanging from the drain.
Relax.
We go in, we make our case.
Uh-uh.
With Dad, we go in with one agenda, we come out excited to do the exact opposite.
He's like a magical, manipulative wizard.
There is no way either of us are gonna walk out of there thinking it's okay to punish the victim of a hate crime.
"Burset comes out of the SHU.
" That's our mantra.
- "Burset comes out of the SHU.
" - There you go.
- Yeah.
"Burset comes out of the SHU.
" - "Burset comes out of the SHU.
" Well, why don't we just drive back there and let her out ourselves? Okay, suppose we do that.
Then what happens? We probably get fired.
That's right.
And then what? She gets thrown back in.
But this time, there's no one around to help her.
They'll bury her in there.
You know that.
- Let's do this right.
- You're walking into the lion's den.
I'm with a guy named Daniel.
No one calls me that.
And "Danny in the Lion's Den" sounds like the name of a picture book for slow, homeschooled kids.
- Joe, he's my dad.
- And he's wrong.
You need to stand up to him, tell him that.
He's gonna respect you for it.
And if he doesn't, he's your dad, he's still gonna love you.
Man, you know nothing about WASPs.
Maybe you need to bust out the eggs again, like in the old days.
Norma doesn't need that voodoo shit.
- Well, maybe she does.
- I mean, no offense, Norma, but your latest gift seems to be making your flock disappear.
Those quitters aren't Norma's sheep.
They're rats.
Don't rats leave the sinking ship first? Shut up, Angie.
It's your fault everybody bailed.
What did Angie do? I ruined my miracle by getting thrown in the SHU.
Which was seriously the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
Even counting that time I smoked crack thinking it was meth and then took four shots of Everclear and ate cat poop.
Maybe those quitter, rat-sheep girls are a little right.
Like, if it was a miracle, shouldn't she be in France or Albuquerque or something? I'm sorry, Holy Norma.
I didn't mean to mess it up.
You'll go back to making people cry, but in a good way, really soon.
Get out.
I heard a rumor we're getting new beds.
Did your spirit friends have anything to do with that? Look, people love a sign, you know? We're all looking for a clue that there's a reason for things, that everything's not all random and lonely, you know? Maybe focus on another miracle one some dummy can't fuck up.
What do you want, Gonzales? Straight-up gangsta, Chapman.
Respect.
- I'm not the Godfather.
- No.
You're taller and tighter.
It was business.
So what's it gonna take for me to get back in? Have you actually seen The Godfather? You're the sour-pantied Luca Brasi.
You sleep with the fishes.
- I can help.
- You're dead to me.
Basta.
Oh, come on, my mom is sick.
Really? Is that the best that you can come up with? No! For real.
She's got lymphoma, and the co-pays and shit are killing her faster than the cancer.
I gotta be able to help her.
But instead, I'm stuck in this shithole, barely making enough to pay for Pantene.
I'm sorry.
Come on, Chapman, please.
I know you're a good person.
And think of all that sweet potorro tang I'm wasting.
I'm begging and I don't do that 'cause I got Latin pride and shit.
But I'm begging you for this, 'cause it's real stuff going on.
You start off at a lower rate than everybody else.
Thank you.
- Thank you - No hugging.
Mmm-mmm.
It's none of my business, but you know that teardrop under her eye isn't real, right? You're right.
It's literally none of your business.
It's my business, and it's flourishing.
How do you think that's gonna look? Bringing back the agitator-in-chief? Like I am a good and benevolent dictator.
Like King Wangchuck of Bhutan.
He created the Gross National Happiness scale so his people would be content and remain loyal.
And how did that work out for him? Yeah.
There's no such thing as a benevolent dictator, only a weak one, or a dead one.
He did not die.
He abdicated voluntarily.
You know what I mean.
You're letting the fox back into the hen house.
You dumped me because I fired Flaca, and now you're criticizing me for bringing her back.
I broke up with you because you were being gross, and now you're being stupid.
That girl wants to fuck you over and get her prison cred back.
But you're right.
It's none of my business.
Godfather knows best.
Oh, shit! What the fuck? Well, can't make it worse.
Seriously? You feed people food from the fucking floor, like we're animals? Maybe we should all get down on our knees and lick it up! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm kidding.
They doubled our order of slop this month, we can cover it.
What's gotten into you? It's not your problem.
She got man troubles.
Well, why didn't you say so? Don't give it back when you're done.
Not that kind of man.
What other kind is there? The kind with tits.
Burset? They took her to Seg.
I've had enough.
What's done is done.
Let's not beat a dead horse.
Black Beauty was the one beat you.
- You ask me, it got what was coming.
- Uh-uh.
- Don't blame me for what happened.
- I'm giving you credit.
You were the one that started spreading all those rumors about her.
So I'll take credit, too.
Mission accomplished.
You two need to clean this up.
I'll get the mop.
Gloria, sometimes there's a mess.
It happens.
Yeah.
Something's the matter.
I can tell.
I got this talent for knowing when things are bothering people.
Nothing's bothering me.
Yeah, something is.
I can feel it in my elbow.
All the women in my family got the knowing elbow.
Yeah, well, something's bothering you, too.
I can feel it in my toe.
Which toe? Oh, you're bluffing.
All right, fine.
- You want me to say this? - Yeah.
I think we should end this.
Oh, no.
No, that is not what I was thinking at all.
It wasn't? No, I I was thinking how hard gravity had been on me 'cause I fell so far so fast for you.
I was gonna tell you I love you, and I ain't never said that to nobody, except this one guy before.
You telling me you don't love me? It ain't got nothing to do with feelings, okay? I got crazy feelings for you.
Pauly D, JWoww 2010 kind of feelings.
- But that's the problem, you know? - I don't get that! They couldn't act on them.
JWoww had a boyfriend.
You got prison.
Well, there's nowhere to go.
It's like it's blue balls, but for my heart, Lorna.
No, this is not happening.
I I was saving this for my vision board.
But all vision, no action kills Hamlet, right? I guess.
I don't really know.
It did.
I saw the movie.
Whoa, whoa.
Come on, baby.
What are you doing? I love you, Vince Muccio.
And I love everything that you've done for me, especially beating up that good-for-nothing Christopher, showing me what a real man looks like.
I wanna spend my life with you and I don't wanna wait.
Inmate, back in your seat! I want you to marry me.
Morello, no touching! Back in your seat, now! Well, don't leave a girl hanging.
What do you say? You are the most amazing girl I have ever met, Lorna Morello.
I mean, it should be the guy doing the asking, but I gotta say there's something kind of hot about you down on your knees like that.
Yes.
- Yes.
Yes, I will.
- Oh! I will marry you.
I will marry you.
I swear, I'm gonna be such a good wife.
- The best.
- The best.
I don't want you to go, but I think we should say goodbye so we can kiss.
Yeah? Okay.
CO Ford, uh, we are done here.
Can we say goodbye and maybe kiss a little, please? All right, wrap it up.
Morello, wrap it up! The body of Christ.
Amen.
The body of Christ.
- The body of Christ.
- Amen.
- The body of Christ.
- Amen.
The body of Christ.
- Amen.
- The body of Christ.
Ah, look at my little princess.
You got Christ in your body now, dolly.
That means you got responsibilities.
- I love this dress! - What's in your hand? I read in a magazine that white food makes you fat.
You didn't eat your Eucharist? She didn't eat her Eucharist.
You gotta eat the cracker, Lorna.
The cracker's the whole point.
No, Mommy, the dress is the whole point! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Jesus! - Should I remain silent? - Actually, I I could use a nice chat.
You ever believe in anything, Red? Valentina Vladimirovna Tereshkova.
Her father drove a tractor and her mother worked in a textile plant, and she went to outer space in a rocket ship.
First woman to do that.
I worshipped her.
What happened? Nothing, I still think she's terrific.
She's in her 70s now and she wants to go to Mars.
Put in a request with Putin.
Russians stay focused.
This doesn't feel like the good kind of silence.
It's not.
At least it's bread day.
And it's so over-toasted, you could pretend it was a cracker.
Wait.
I never doubted you, not for a second! Gently, gently.
Hold it up.
It's her! It's exactly her! - Oh, my Norma! - Careful.
It's Toast Norma.
It's a miracle.
Toast Norma! Toast Norma! It's like one of those 3D poster thingies from when we were kids.
You gotta wait a second to see it.
Praise be to Norma.
Her image has been emblazoned by the universe unto toast as a reminder of her power and goodliness here on this earth.
There's never any dignity at the end.
Yeah, I'm gonna check it out.
Gina.
Gina don't be a fool.
I have a birthmark on my left butt cheek that's shaped like a scarab.
Doesn't make me Cleopatra.
Yo, Norma, you in their toast! You in the toast! What's going on? - Gaze upon the glory of the toast.
- You in the toast.
- Look at that! - Yeah, I don't see it.
It Oh, holy mother, there it is in, in the burn marks.
- Yeah! - Oh, it's beautiful! It's a gift.
It's a gift.
- It's a gift! Thank you.
- Thank you, Norma.
- It's so crazy.
- Toast Norma.
It's a miracle.
- Norma, it looks just like you.
- It's a real miracle.
- She's sleeping again.
- What? Yo, Bennie.
Wake up.
"Bennie"? Yeah, we checked out them foils, man.
You took, like, 100 Benadryls.
But the good news is your allergies are squared away for, like, a decade.
I still don't understand why we're helping her anyway.
She ain't one of us.
Because you have never been to Psych.
Nobody saved me from the SHU.
Well, eventually, you come back from the SHU.
And look, besides, as long as she with us, we're gonna be like the Tiger Woods of prison cliques.
Blasian is beautiful.
Hey, that's right.
Your skin doesn't have to be black, as long as your heart is black.
Um She's sleeping again.
You've been pretty chill about all of this.
- Shh.
- Man, what you doin', anyway? Well, for your nosy information, I'm working on my conversion essay.
- You still on that? - You damn right.
No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my motherfucking kosher meals.
Okay.
I got a Black Jew, I got an Asian Black, a bunch of race-squatting carpetbaggers.
You've disciplined your body in accordance with the teachings of blessed Elijah, for the glory of Allah.
But anything more, anything more, is self-aggrandizing and immodest, and I forbid it.
What about college? Running track can pay for it.
Not if it means running half-naked in public, like a common whore.
I can't compete wearing a tent.
She has a talent and a passion, and college, a good college, is out of reach without this.
Especially for a woman.
Especially for a black woman.
Money is not my god.
Maybe Allah ain't my god.
Maybe I don't want to be a proud daughter in the Nation of Islam.
_ _ Mmm.
_ _ _ - A mailbox that leaks pee.
- Uh-uh.
I asked for a C-section, so my sails wouldn't be flapping in the wind.
I don't have anything flapping.
It feels like, you know, when you get punched in the eye and it swells shut? Except I got punched in the chocha.
You're back, and you didn't come talk to your mother? What kind of shit is that? I knew I didn't have to 'cause you're gonna butt in anyway.
You got what you wanted, didn't you? I was with my baby two hours, getting ready to hand it over to Pornstache's mom.
And who shows up? Cesar and our cousin, Yas.
Don't pretend like you ain't happy, 'cause I know you are.
Ah, you don't know anything.
You're happy, but you can't say it 'cause you gotta hate me.
You said keeping the baby was the worst thing for her.
Yeah, well, kids adapt.
Marc Anthony grew up in the projects and now he's rich and got to stick it to J.
Lo even though he's pocket-size.
And this was about you.
I know that feeling you got when you had her in your arms.
And if that went away forever, you'd be all kinds of fucked up.
You make her sound like she's drugs.
The worst kind.
She's gonna make you feel better than you ever thought you could, then drain all your money and ruin your life.
You're always gonna need her.
And even when you hate her, you're gonna love her.
Even when she's in prison with you.
- Thank you.
- Was that so fucking hard? Nosing whiskey isn't like sniffing wine.
Now, you'd fry your brain right out of your skull with full nasal insertion into the tumbler.
No, nosing is an art form of its own.
All right, when you boys are ready, go ahead and imbibe.
But don't swallow.
Chew the scotch.
Let it explore the different taste corners of your tongue.
He stole all that fellating whiskey stuff from a YouTube video.
You got something to say there, Danny? Dad, uh, we just really need to get down to business.
Danny, I'm trying to teach you.
It's all business.
The club, the bullshit, it's a dance.
Yeah, well, Burset comes out of the SHU.
Cha-cha-cha.
Uh, Burset comes out of the SHU.
I heard you the first time.
Where was your preamble? Where was the lead-in where you reminded me how you saved money on the fence repair and the new meal plan? Come on, I taught you better! Tell me about the new beds we're installing.
Tell me how much more money we're gonna make.
Mr.
Pearson, we need to focus on the people we're tucking into these new beds, or any budget surplus we find is going straight to fight one gross-negligence lawsuit after another.
We have a chance to set the pace with Burset.
We can't keep her in the SHU forever, and the longer we do, the more we open ourselves up for Let me back you up here for a second, Joe.
Ms.
Burset is in protective custody, not solitary confinement.
It's both one and the horrible same, sir.
I understand.
And we need to talk about updating our facilities and our policies about their use as a long-term priority.
- Well, how can a priority be long-term? - Uh, Danny No, no, no, a priority by definition is something that needs to happen right now.
I think what Danny means No, no, no, no, he knows what I mean.
What I mean is Burset comes out of the SHU, - 'cause she didn't do anything wrong! - All right, son, all right.
No, don't do that! That placating thing! You're doing it right now! And you lied to me, and you did it to my face! I told you we would look over our options.
We did and there were none better.
So you can either suck it up You know, fine! That's it! I quit! Whoa, what's going on? Yeah.
Enjoy nose-fucking your whiskey! This is out of line.
Find anything good? These donated books are the suck.
I read that one already.
Once you rebuild your bones with butter, you're gonna have to unclog your arteries with, like, a Shop-Vac or something.
It's kind of bullshit.
Spoiler alert.
Hey, um, thanks again for giving me a second chance, Chapman.
I'm really grateful.
Uh-huh.
Next! Nah, we don't got that.
All these new guards.
Infiltrators.
Next.
Did you see the toothpick guy? Uh, no.
I've been laying real low.
Don't turn around! They're watching.
There's the squirrelly dude who looks like a young Jack Nicholson, who's always givin' everybody donuts.
Then there's the high-school-looking kid who uses that little baby face to get away with something.
And now, there's a toothpick guy.
He started today! Next.
- Thanks.
I'll be careful.
- You will be dead.
I haven't even gotten started on the black Mr.
Clean over there.
What, CO Please-and-thank-you? He's a teddy bear.
Who are the Teddy Bears? Should I know about them? Next.
Ivory soap, Colgate, Diet Coke.
Bad choice.
Aspartame invented by Donald Rumsfeld in the '80s.
Mind control.
That's true.
Seriously? You, too? Did you know that Monsanto gave Donald Rumsfeld $12 million for aspartame in 1985? Yes.
All right, we should talk.
Soso, thanks for comin'.
Please, have a seat.
Are you okay? You look, uh Did they give you your prescription at medical? Well, sometimes it takes a couple of weeks to even out.
What did you wanna see me about? Berdie Rogers.
Is she coming back? Mr.
Caputo is gonna be talking to several inmates about her conduct.
I want you to know that you can trust him.
You can basically tell him anything you would tell me.
For example, don't be afraid to tell him that you spoke with her for several weeks and she offered you no medical care for your Your mental condition.
You're really bad at your job, Mr.
Healy.
Like, really bad.
You make me feel worse about myself every time we talk.
Berdie helped me.
I'm going now.
- We're ready.
- You made that? Mmm-hmm.
As good as any tattoo gun you'll see in the real world.
I mean, almost.
This is a spinny thing from an old Discman, and that drives the needle that I snagged from the sweatshop.
Where did you find a Discman? One of the OG ladies.
She traded it for a fan.
Thank God for hot flashes.
Add a little power.
And some ink.
Now all I need is the girl.
I'm thinking an infinity symbol.
I'm thinking a small infinity symbol.
Mmm-mmm.
Cliché.
Said the girl with the Yeah.
Those are all pretty unique.
Let me surprise you.
Unless you don't trust me.
I don't trust anybody, and I'm starting to have second thoughts about this.
Chicken.
Come on, it's white ink.
You're not even gonna see it, not unless you're looking for it.
Fine.
But subtle.
Ow! Oh, this hurts.
Um, I need a distraction.
Nope.
That's not it at all.
You need to do the opposite.
You need to honor the pain.
Really feel it.
Tell yourself you're into it.
It's your pain.
I'm into it? Yeah, you're really into it.
You own it.
I'm gonna miss you.
At least now you'll have something to remember me by.
Something that both June and Joann don't realize.
Hold on, ladies.
Ladies.
Okay.
Sister, I got a favor to ask.
Can I make a confession to you? Of sin or crime? Not that I'm qualified to handle either one.
Sin.
Guilt.
How about I listen and advise? - You wanna wait till your show's over? - Oh, it's a repeat.
Go ahead.
Okay, so, I had a grudge against this person, and she got herself into some trouble.
And I never spoke up and said, "Hey, she's not really dangerous!" It's never too late to do the right thing.
It is if she's already in Seg.
Sophia's my friend, so forgive me if I have a hard time staying objective.
It's this place.
We're locked up, all of us in a cage.
And it brings out, man it brings out the worst, most selfish parts.
It's this place.
It's us.
I didn't say anything either when they took Sophia to Seg.
We fail, and God forgives us, but I don't know if we can ever really forgive each other or ourselves.
I guess you can say some Hail Marys.
I don't know what else to tell you.
It's all wrong.
_ Shh! _ _ _ _ Pretend like she ain't even here.
Let's get you set up.
- Okay.
This may be a little cold.
- Mmm.
Okay.
Everything's looking good.
Heart's beating like a little hummingbird.
And the What happened? Uh, no, no.
She's fine.
It's just she's a he.
It's rare that we're wrong on that, but _ I can see his little pee-pee right there! I still don't understand what I'm doing here.
- You a part of my Beit Din.
- Excuse me? I'm converting.
Mmm-hmm.
This here's Ginsberg.
She's been helping me out.
And that's Boyle.
I know her name don't sound Jewish, but she Jewish on her mama's side, and her great-uncle died in the Holocaust, and she taught me the Hebrew alphabet for granola bars.
So, I'm here to present my case.
I'm here to ask three times and get told "No" and "No," and then "Yes," and then be a Jew.
I'm here to take the name Tova, which means "good" because it's all good now.
I've been working for real, Rabbi.
Try me.
For serious! I'm ready to get my Jew on.
And it ain't just about the food, although the more I been learnin', the food a big part of it, am I right? She's been really dedicated.
Why she wants to go from being a hated minority to a double-hated minority is beyond me, but she's for real.
We've been studying, arguing.
Hey, uh, you wouldn't happen to be related to Aimee Tatelbaum, would you? She's my cousin.
Oh, my God! We were at Penn together.
Wait, Alan? Cousin Alan? I know some things about you.
Oh, Alan.
You'd better Beit Din this woman before I start to talk.
- Well, Aimee's full of shit.
- Oh, is she? Like the story about you and the Berkshires with Samantha Gottleib - and the mushrooms, that's bullshit? Yeah.
- That's not - Ask, Tova.
Ask.
- Mmm.
Mmm-hmm.
Hey.
- Can I be a Jew? - No.
Can I be a Jew? No.
Can I be a Jew? You really want this? Sincerely? Not because this one's trying to blackmail me for something stupid when I was 19 or for broccoli with your dinner? What is this for you? Honestly I think I found my people.
I was raised in a church where I was told to believe and pray.
And if I was bad, I'd go to hell.
If I was good, I'd go to heaven.
And if I'd ask Jesus, he'd forgive me, and that was that.
And here y'all saying ain't no hell ain't sure about heaven.
And if you do something wrong, you got to figure it out yourself.
And as far as God's concerned, it's your job to keep aksing questions and to keep learning and to keep arguing.
It's like a verb.
It's like you do God.
And that's a lot of work.
But I think I'm in, at least as far as I can see it.
I mean, maybe I'll learn more and say, "Fuck the whole thing.
" I mean, but I wanna learn more, and I think I gotta be in it to do that.
You know, does that make sense? Shit, did I just talk myself out of it? Fuck.
Ask me again.
- Can I be a Jew? - Yes.
No, I need three answers.
- Yes.
- Yes.
Yeah! Look at me now! I'm a bona fide jailhouse Jew! Sort of.
It's not really official without the mikvah, but that was wonderful.
Really, Tova.
Congratulations.
Hold up.
Mik-what? Oh, it's like, um It's like a baptism, but without all the touching.
You soak in a pool and you clean off all that Christian filth that you've been carrying around.
- We can fake that shit in the shower.
- No, that won't count.
The mikvah needs to be pure, naturally occurring water, and you need to be fully submerged, and nude.
Yeah.
Maybe it'll rain, okay? There'll be a sinkhole or something, and we'll make it official then.
In the meantime, you are Jew-ish.
Huh? Most holy, righteous, and everywhere-present God, our Father who art in Heaven, we ask thy blessing upon this food.
Bless the hearts and the hands of those that provide the same, and when it is ours to pass from time to eternity Do you know what awaits sinners like you, self-worshippers of the flesh? Do you know what is your Promised Land? Answer me, Cindy! Do you know? Deuteronomy, chapter 29, verse 23, tells us about your Promised Land.
Your land is brimstone and salt, a burning waste, unsown and unproductive, and no grass grows on it, like the overthrow of Sodom and Gomorrah.
So thou must not sin! Amen! - Amen.
- Say "amen"! Amen, amen, amen, amen.
Maxwell said you wanted to see me? Yeah, Morello's getting married.
She asked that you be the witness.
Ah, I heard the happy news an hour ago.
Oh, she's a rash girl.
All heart and tits and no brain, hmm? Well, thanks for letting me know.
I'll get started on my maid of honor speech.
Can I ask you a question? You and I have a special relationship.
That's why I feel like I can ask you this question.
Would you say that I'm bad at my job? Well, the very fact that we have a special relationship and that you acknowledge it should at least partially answer your question, Healy.
But I'd be lying if I said it hasn't helped me.
It has.
Having a contemporary in here who isn't A, a woman, and B, a thieving, lying, crazy, murderous, drug-addled woman, has been a godsend.
Are you good at your job? I don't know.
But I know that you've helped me, and I'm grateful to you for it.
Can I go now that I've watered your ego flower? Yes.
Your prison mistress gave you a prison tat.
You are turning into a trope.
- She's my business partner, with benefits.
- Ah.
She's getting out and wanted to give me something to remember her by.
I was sad, so I let her.
White ink, huh? That must be pretty intimidating to some of these girls, maybe under, like, a black light or something.
- What does it say? - It says "Trust no bitch.
" And yes, as a matter of fact, the girls are scared shitless.
Hmm.
I'm quite gangsta.
Oh, shit.
What? I have to give you honesty, because that's how I need to live, in truth.
What the fuck, Cal? Neri is selling extra panties on the side.
What? No.
- Yeah.
- All wrong.
And where's she getting people to wear them? Well, um, actually, we invented a miso-tuna-honey sauce that tastes quite delicious until you add the glue.
You're diluting the brand.
You have to get her to stop.
Neri's knock-off prison panties aren't the problem.
In fact, her questionable criminal ethics might actually offset the real problem.
My job is to handle shit in here.
Your job is to handle shit out there.
Okay, Pipes, while I'm really proud of how evil prison has made you, I think you're overestimating your villain index.
You're still transitioning.
You know, you're not Walter White yet.
You're Walter White-ink.
What are you talking about? Your money is gone.
Somebody transferred all of your clam clams.
- When? - This morning.
Fucking Flaca! Was a time, Norma, you were good at making people feel safe at peace and calm.
Then you let this cave troll turn it into a cult.
Hey, we're toasting Norma here.
It's our new thing.
Brook Soso tried to kill herself.
She needed help, and you pushed her away.
As far as I'm concerned, that makes you an accessory.
- What the fuck? - You better back up off before I smash those shit-stained Chiclets you call teeth down your throat! Look at all of y'all.
The whole point of being here was to escape our shitty reality.
What, and now you're worshipping a piece of toast? You know, you actually had me believing in miracles.
But now I know miracles ain't real, and you ain't shit.
Okay, it's fine.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Would you stop it? It's fine.
Norma Toast is safe.
We're good.
Back to it.
and so then I woke up in the laundry room.
It was so weird.
Maybe I was gonna wash my pants, and I fell asleep.
I think I need to start taking vitamins, or stop taking Ambien.
Something.
Ooh, there's There's an underpass down Broad Street.
It's a good spot.
Take a left up here.
I don't feel very good.
It's all right, I'll make you feel better.
No, my, my head.
It's, like, it's banging right now.
It must be my lady time.
Ain't nothing sexy about that.
It doesn't bother me.
I kind of like it.
Right here.
Take this left, right here.
Hey, what are you doing? I told you to make that left.
What's the matter with you? You want You want me to get a little rough? Is that it? A little roleplay? You into that? Something's really wrong, like, like my Nancy Grace ears catnip.
- What? - Yes, something's It's like my Nancy Grace ears catnip bluegrass funeral.
Tiff, are you okay? What's the matter with you? Nancy Grace ears.
I can't Shit! Ahh! What the fuck is that noise? Is that real, or are you doing it 'cause you think it's a turn-on? - Is that your fucking excuse? - Oh, fuck.
- Fuck.
- The fuck.
You've got to be fucking kidding me.
Oh.
What, are you gonna start crying now? My dick must have finally realized who you are.
I did not think one man could possibly have more self-loathing than you already did.
You must be loving this.
Why are you here? Why do you keep coming here? "Coming" is the operative word, which obviously isn't happening tonight, so Natalie, wait.
Wait a second.
"Natalie"? Jesus fucking Christ.
I'm here because you're a good lay, and I relish the fact that you hate me but you can't resist me.
Don't worry.
I still loathe you, Fig.
Oh, good.
But you're, uh I'm not really close to anyone right now.
Do you have any idea how pathetic you are, weirdo? Yes, actually, I do.
I work for a sleazebag corporation, and I am hate-fucking a dead-eyed, anorexic crone who's the only person I can talk to.
I'm living my worst nightmare.
Then channel your inner Freddy Krueger and grab life by the balls with your big, bladed fingers.
Pearson quit over this Burset thing.
- I should too, but - Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Pearson quit? You have the chance for a promotion, and you're going limp? Even if I wanted his job, and I don't, it's a lateral move.
A lateral move with more pay? Yes.
It's a promotion.
But I'm not gonna capitalize on Burset.
I'm gonna fight for her.
Why? Because I wear protection, so I haven't caught whatever form of syphilis you have that caused your soul to rot.
No, really.
Why? You keep on martyring yourself for these people, and why? Has anyone ever thanked you for saving the prison? Just the people who are now profiting from it.
Well, maybe those are the people you should be sticking your neck out for.
Do what you have to do, or you're the one who gets fucked in the ass.
Speaking of which You're so disgusting.
Hey.
I heard about your mother.
Yeah.
Thanks.
You two good? What's that supposed to mean? You know what? Let's say our prayers and go on with our days.
That sounds good to you, little girl? - I ain't your little girl.
- Oh, I know that.
You don't need nobody.
I got it.
Certainly don't need people who don't got my back.
Well, maybe people would have your back if they knew you weren't gonna turn it on them.
Hey, Gonzales.
You took my money? - What? - You wanna fuck with me? You need to step back right now, or you gonna lay back, bitch.
I don't care what she did, what you think she did.
You don't get to come here and push, or you're gonna get pushed.
She saw me this morning in the library, conducting business.
All I saw you was reading that stupid butter-bones book, and I told you it was bad science.
What are you talking about? You made up a story about your sick mom so that I would let you back in.
Her mother is sick, idiot.
And why you think she's in here on her knees? Huh, what's the matter with you? Well, good.
I mean, not good that she's sick, but good that you weren't lying, and I hope that she feels better, and I hope that you both know not to mess with me.
Angie ate Toast Norma.
She thought it would give her powers or some stupid shit, and I didn't stop her because the people believed the stupid, black dyke who listened to that stupid, yellow chink.
I mean "yellow" both racially and as a chicken-shit.
Only chicken-shits try to kill themselves.
I know you're upset about the toast.
It was a bad idea.
Norma, I still believe in you.
Don't do this to me, please.
You need me.
I need you.
We made miracles.
No.
It's just a scratch.
- They'll probably just buff that out.
- It's not a scratch, man.
Huh.
You okay? What'd the doc say? I told him all about the word soup and white eyeballs.
- And? - And, you know, even though it's probably just a one-time, freak thing I ain't fit to be the van girl no more.
Who knew cousin Sandy's epilepsy would one day save your hillbilly prison soul? You're a really good teacher.
Yeah, and you, apparently, are a fine actress.
All he gets is a bandage over his eye.
Yeah, but he bled a lot.
Not out of his butt.
Still, I consider that a win.
Yeah.
We need you over here.
Hi, it's Maritza.
Aw, shit.
Ah, shit.
Miss Black? Your heart was in a dangerous arrhythmia.
We were able to shock it back to sinus rhythm.
You're gonna be fine.
There's no God.
There's nothing.
How's the tat feeling? It's burning.
Searing, even.
It looks okay.
Doesn't look infected or anything.
It must be the irony, then.
"Trust no bitch.
" I don't get it.
You and Alex are the only people who know where that phone is and maybe Flaca, but I really don't think so.
And neither one of them are getting out in two days.
You fucked me, Stella.
I'm panicking, Piper.
Oh, so you decide to steal from me? I have no family, no friends and $20.
That doesn't even get me one night in a motel.
It'll pay for an hour, which is plenty of time to use your hot tits and your pretty, little lying face to lure in a sucker and rob him blind.
What's going on with The L Word over there? Thunder from Down Under been necking with somebody else? Nah, Chapman's been accusing people of stealing her money.
Oh, that bitch guilty.
- How do you know? - She desperate.
I hit her up to see what she was gonna leave me in her prison will, - and she taking everything.
- Ooh.
She even taking the Maxi Pads.
Man, Chapman came at me ready to bash my skull in, but she gonna let her off the hook? It pays to hump the boss.
She let you come back and let the kangaroo rob her blind? Girls, this is good news.
She'll gum you, but the boss got no teeth.
I'm gonna ask for more money.
She gonna donate to the Foster's, she can donate to Colt 45.
Or should I be saying "Manischewitz" now? You could have asked me instead of burgling me.
I'm asking you now to understand.
Of course I understand.
Your situation is going to be my situation in the next six to 12 months, which is why I started Felonious Spunk in the first place.
To take money from perverts, not from people that I pretend to care about.
I do care! Don't you? I'm going to make this up to you.
I promise.
And as groom and bride prepared for this ceremony, they reflected on what it is that brought them here today, ready to commit their lives to one another.
You have your vows, yes? Groom goes first.
"Lorna," I cannot believe we are doing this.
In fact, I think we might be crazy.
But we are crazy together.
We fit, and we match and I think you are beautiful and you make me feel tall.
"And I love your heart.
" You're good, Lorna.
"I cannot wait to spend every day that I am allowed to with you, and then when you are out, just every day.
" Vince I'm just so happy and honored to be Lorna Muccio.
And for that, I thank you very much-io.
I'm not a great writer like you, so I have a poem to read.
"In my life, there's been heartache and pain.
" I don't know if I can face it again.
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far to change this lonely life.
I want to know what love is.
I want you to show me.
I want to feel what love is.
"I know you can show me.
" Foreigner, my favorite band.
I knew it! - Beautiful.
- Yeah.
And now the rings.
Vince, place your ring on Lorna's finger and repeat after me.
Oh.
"Through this ring, I, Vincent Muccio, accept you, Lorna Morello, as my wife, now and for all time.
" Through this ring, I, Vincent Muccio, accept you, Lorna Morello, as my wife, now and for all time.
And now, Lorna, place your ring on Vincent's finger.
This is so beautiful.
This is why I don't wanna elope.
I can't cry like this in front of my mother.
Oh, shit, I missed her putting on the ring.
Get the kiss, you big galoot.
Through this ring, I, Lorna Morello, accept you, Vincent Muccio, as my husband, now and forever.
Now, normally, at this point, I would have you both light the unity candle, but prison restrictions on open flames won't allow it.
Plus, our bride is wearing paper.
So instead, I will urge you to gaze into each other's eyes and light the fire within.
As you do by the power vested in me by the state of New York, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride! Oh, my goodness! Ah, they make a beautiful couple, absolutely beautiful.
Okay, you two can spend an hour in here together.
Bell will stay with you.
Uh, here? You don't have a trailer or somethin' a little more private, alone? There's no conjugal visits in Federal.
I'm sorry.
- Yes! Husband, yes! - Yeah! Fuck yeah, wife! Consummate this marriage! Consummating the shit out of you, babe! Yeah, yeah.
Young love they have no idea what they're in for.
It doesn't always end badly.
Oh, said the man whose wife sleeps in her mother's bed to the prisoner whose brand-new divorce certificate is her most prized possession.
You gotta believe in something.
Why not love? Because "happily ever after" was invented for the storybooks, so kids reach breeding age without killing themselves.
So, love is the lie we tell ourselves so we don't go extinct? That's pretty bleak, Red, even for you.
Oh, and you caught me on a glass-half-full day.
So, you don't think there's someone out there you're meant to be with? Of course I do.
Everybody has a soul mate.
But they're usually on the other side of the bars, or the wall, or the planet from you.
That's the way the universe works.
You're not gonna be in prison forever.
You got a future to think about.
Our ships passed too late in the night for one of them to change course, Sam.
Father! Father! Father! God, please help my mother.
Father? My mom is sick again.
Jesus? Ahh! Help me, please! Somebody, please! He smells! Oh, gross! Get the fuck off of me! I've rewritten this at least ten times.
I don't know what to say.
I feel like you're saving my life.
I came to say goodbye.
Well, I still have a few more days.
Clear the bunk.
Not you.
We have reports of contraband.
I haven't got anything.
I'm getting out in two days.
Well, hopefully you've given everything away, then.
Well - Found a lighter.
- That's not mine.
Marijuana cigarettes? Wait, wait Cigarette cigarettes.
This isn't even my stuff.
It can't be! Ugh! Where'd you get illegal chicken from, inmate? What? Bayley, check out this candy shiv.
How cool is that? I mean this is a deadly weapon.
You are so going to Max, inmate.
Sorry about your dildo, Boo.
Cost of doing business.
I'll make it up to you.
Damn, Chapman.
That is some stone-cold shit.
I don't fuck around.
Let the people know.
I'm hoping this voluntary organizing meeting is, uh, code for "our union petition has been accepted.
" Maybe he just wants us to pull together our official list of demands.
I think the prison should issue us socks and underwear, not just outerwear.
I want them to pay my college loans.
You went to college, and you're working here? Associate's degree, Justice Admin, DeVry.
Here he is, the white Cesar Chavez.
Today, as you know, is a very big day.
So, let's make this quick.
We hear Pearson's out.
Are you next? Are they union-busting? Or did our petition go through and he got canned for not stopping it? Pearson quit.
There's a new Director of Human Activity.
It's you, isn't it? Everyone has the right to unionize.
Shit.
Motherfucking shit.
But I have access to budgets now.
And all that noise about the whole shebang coming crashing down if MCC starts covering benefits, it is 100% true.
They must have given you a pretty good pay raise.
Yeah, like 30 pieces of silver.
I have done nothing but save your asses since this prison was scheduled to close.
You're goddamn right.
It was a pretty good pay raise.
And any one of you ungrateful, selfish sons of bitches would have thrown me under the bus and run me over to get the same.
Well, guess what? It's my turn.
It's the year of Caputo.
You know, we had a union captain once who told us that the corporation would call an optional meeting and then try to scare us out of unionizing.
I remember that.
He said, "When they did that, we should say," and I am paraphrasing "Fuck you!" That's right, because he said, "The company needs you more than you need them.
" Now I've seen things from the inside, and I stand corrected.
You're all replaceable.
Not today, we're not.
I'd say today of all days, the company still needs us pretty damn bad.
Yeah, I'm gonna go with my old captain on this one.
Fuck you.
It ain't right, Mr.
Caputo.
It ain't right.
Good luck letting the monkeys run the zoo.
All right, all tools are present and accounted for.
All good.
Thanks, ladies.
Oh, wait, wait.
Hold up.
Someone needs to sweep.
- Not me.
- No way.
Fine.
I'll do it.
But you guys owe me.
Okay.
Thank you, Vause.
I'm gonna walk them over.
Yeah, yeah, I'll just be here, sweeping like Cinderella.
Well, that was quick.
Aydin.
How This place would hire Forrest fucking Gump.
The guy who interviewed me was so relieved to find someone who's actually qualified.
You don't have to do this.
Yeah, I do.
Hey, uh, there's no inmates in the dorms while the bunks are being installed.
She needs to sit down.
I'm sorry.
Rules is rules.
This one.
At least we're getting new beds.
I'm a little good at a lot of things and I'm helping New Yorkers one thing at a time.
- Who are you? - Is Cesar home? Cesar? Some white guy! Okay, it's okay.
Yo, what's up, man? Who are you? Uh, Cesar Velazquez? Fuck.
Get back in the room! Go back in the room! What do you mean get back in the room? Cesar, we have a warrant! DEA! Come on! - Please don't take my baby! - Move in! Hands up! Don't move! Get back in the room! Get back in your - Cesar! Cesar! - No! It's okay.
Yo, get your filthy fucking hands off my baby! You two, with me! Let's go! He's over there! Get your hands off my daughter, you stupid motherfucker! Get him down on the ground! Get your hands off my fucking daughter! - Motherfucker! - Daddy! Get your hands off my daughter, motherfucker! Come here, come here! Let go of my daughter! I swear, the Jesus, looks like heroin Romper Room in here.
- Let's go, let's go! - Get Child Services down here, now.
And, Donna, get the baby out.
What are you doin'? No, no.
Let go of my baby.
Let go of my baby, you mother Get off Daddy! Christina! Take care of Daya's baby! Let go of me.
Get off my girl! Get off my girl, motherfucker! Cliché, my ass.
It's It's fucking awesome.
Hello? Hello? Judy King is here.
Anyone? We're here to self-surrender! Anyone? Well, fuck a duck.
Already this place is a goddamn joke.
I told you we should've stuck with Alderson, but no, no, you gotta drag my ass all the way to upstate Jew York.
I should kick your balls into your sternum.
Well, did we or did we not call ahead? I mean, this is just rude.
Oh, God.
Hey, where's Norma Christ going? - Holy - Shit! - Where the guards at? - I feel like this is one of those things, like when all the dogs and the horses disappear before there's an earthquake or a tidal wave or something.
- I'm going.
- You crazy.
They're the ones who took the fence down.
Maybe they're expanding the yard.
Are we supposed to know any better? She got a good point.
The fuck? Oh, shit.
What's even over there? A bunch of bitches going to Seg.
Nah, nah! It's the lake! It's not escapable or nothin'.
It's a miracle.
- Come on, yo! - Oh, man, you too? - What? - Even if we don't get busted, you ain't worried about eels or some shit? There ain't no eels in the freedom lake, man.
Stop being such a stereotype.
One of them black bitches gonna get they shit drowned, and I ain't gonna be responsible.
Look.
Let's just be free for a second.
It's gonna be the last time in a long time.
Jesus! Nope.
Hey, y'all seen Ginsberg? But now's my chance for some new-Jew juju! - I don't follow you.
- That lake's my mikvah! Isn't that her crashing through the underbrush? Oh, Ginsberg! Ginsberg! You know I think I could stand a little sand between my toes, too.
Let's do it.
No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey! Hey! No, no.
Okay.
Uh, stop! Hey, hey! - Hey! Stop it! - Boo! Come on.
Why now? Why now? Somebody, please! Hallelujah! Yo Crazy? - Do you see her? - Yo! Wow.
You're going down.
Go! Go! Charge her! No! You can't stop the Boo-satucky! No! No! Oh! No, oh.
Whoo! Taystee, come on in! The water's fine! - Come on in, girl! - Okay! Okay! I'm in! Whoo! Mazel tov.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Oh!
We don't give a shit about the movie.
My heart is beating so fast right now.
Bony, rat-faced son of a bitch deserved to grow an ass tulip.
What in the fuck is wrong with us? We ain't rapey enough.
I mean, I sure as hell don't wanna keep staring down that naked, hairy butthole and trying to pull apart them sticky cheeks.
Do you think that he agonized over this like some little bitch? No.
He planned his rape, and he raped his plan.
He didn't plan it.
At least not the first time.
How do I know that he didn't feel bad? I mean, after he came? He could actually hate himself.
Well, he fucking should.
He's a rapist.
Well, then maybe it's good that we didn't shove a carrot down his rabbit hole, 'cause we could be sitting here, hating on ourselves too, Boo.
Face it we ain't Swedish enough to be splitting his starfish.
And I ain't a rapist.
I ain't, and I feel good about it.
Well, I hope that is a consolation tomorrow when you have van duty.
Shit.
Oh.
Maybe I'll drink that Mexican diarrhea tea that the fat chicolos make, and I'll be too sick to work.
Yeah, that's great, but what about the next day, and the day after that and the next? He's got you.
God, there's no fucking justice! Yeah, and I really don't like tea.
Hmm? - I'm freaking the fuck out.
- Relax, I'll catch you up.
See, she's uptight, right, and he's this unpredictable sous chef No, Soso is dead in the library.
For real, I think.
Look, I walked in Go find a CO.
No, I wanna see.
Where is she? Will you please just come? Can we see? Oh, please, please, please, please, with extra sugar on top.
- Please, please - Okay.
You save our seats, and tell me everything I miss.
Fine.
Dead bodies.
Dead bodies, dead bodies, dead bodies, dead bodies.
Come on.
- She ain't dead.
- She ain't? I done seen enough dead to know alive.
Here.
What we gonna do with her? If only we had an invisibility cloak.
Or an extremely deep and wide belly button.
Stop it.
Man, we need to make sure the girl don't go to Psych.
No.
Like, N-O, no.
Psych's so bad.
I wouldn't even wish it on the people running it.
Although that would be poetic in its own way.
On my count, all right? One, two Watch her head, watch her head.
Got it.
Got it.
I got it.
- All right, you get the front.
- I got the back.
Three, four, and wrong! Well? I skipped the final repetition and played directly into the coda.
You thought I wouldn't notice? Do you know what happens to cheaters? They go to hell.
Who told you that? Brook! Reverend Pat Roberts.
I didn't watch TV on purpose.
Jessica's parents always have The 700 Club on.
And that's why Jessica never places at the science fair.
There is no hell.
There is no heaven.
When we die, all that remains are the memories of our achievements.
And cheaters are very quickly forgotten.
Again.
Play.
And sit up straight! Hey.
You have a nice day? We went to Olive Garden.
Well, I had a good day, too.
Helped some inmates.
Your Russian friend? Yeah, and an Asian girl.
Had a case of jailbird blues.
Hey did you ever consider that you're technically Asian? Round-eyed Asian with blond hair? I'm Ukrainian.
I'm making a joke.
You know, it wouldn't kill you to smile once in a while.
It's not like I'm asking you to sleep in my bed or bring me back leftovers of Lasagna Classico which you pay for with my money, which you know I enjoy, which you never finish! _ - You know what? - I had a really good day today.
I had a really good day today.
And I just wanted to come home and share it with you and you don't care.
At all! _ _ I think you and your mother ought to go get an apartment.
- I'll help you pay for it.
- You would do that? I'm surrounded by women in captivity all day long.
I don't need to come home to another one who feels like she's trapped in a cage.
Well, what you waiting for? Why don't you put your fingers down her throat? Knowing what to do does not make me bottom bitch of the vomitorium.
Maybe stick your fingers down your own throat.
People see or hear other people puke, makes them wanna do it.
Sympathetic vomiting.
Just Fine, we wasting time.
- Just fuck it.
- No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Ew.
- Easier cleanup.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Good.
Go.
Okay.
Yes.
Oh, Jesus! Ew! Chunks! That's nasty! Hmm, but look at all them pills.
Sympathetic vomiting.
Pull the drain.
Now, should we stick a needle in her heart or something? This ain't Pulp Fiction, and that ain't heroin.
Well, why ain't she awake? 'Cause she ate fistfuls of pills like they was Tic Tacs - and she weighs three pounds.
- Good point.
We gotta watch her and make sure she doesn't stop breathing, and if she does, we give her CPR.
Shit.
Look, if that happens, man, you giving her the mouth-to-throw-up-mouth, all right? She okay? There's no blood in it, so that's good.
Huh.
She'll be fine.
Man, why this shit gotta happen on movie night? Anybody want some cigarettes? I found these hanging from the drain.
Relax.
We go in, we make our case.
Uh-uh.
With Dad, we go in with one agenda, we come out excited to do the exact opposite.
He's like a magical, manipulative wizard.
There is no way either of us are gonna walk out of there thinking it's okay to punish the victim of a hate crime.
"Burset comes out of the SHU.
" That's our mantra.
- "Burset comes out of the SHU.
" - There you go.
- Yeah.
"Burset comes out of the SHU.
" - "Burset comes out of the SHU.
" Well, why don't we just drive back there and let her out ourselves? Okay, suppose we do that.
Then what happens? We probably get fired.
That's right.
And then what? She gets thrown back in.
But this time, there's no one around to help her.
They'll bury her in there.
You know that.
- Let's do this right.
- You're walking into the lion's den.
I'm with a guy named Daniel.
No one calls me that.
And "Danny in the Lion's Den" sounds like the name of a picture book for slow, homeschooled kids.
- Joe, he's my dad.
- And he's wrong.
You need to stand up to him, tell him that.
He's gonna respect you for it.
And if he doesn't, he's your dad, he's still gonna love you.
Man, you know nothing about WASPs.
Maybe you need to bust out the eggs again, like in the old days.
Norma doesn't need that voodoo shit.
- Well, maybe she does.
- I mean, no offense, Norma, but your latest gift seems to be making your flock disappear.
Those quitters aren't Norma's sheep.
They're rats.
Don't rats leave the sinking ship first? Shut up, Angie.
It's your fault everybody bailed.
What did Angie do? I ruined my miracle by getting thrown in the SHU.
Which was seriously the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
Even counting that time I smoked crack thinking it was meth and then took four shots of Everclear and ate cat poop.
Maybe those quitter, rat-sheep girls are a little right.
Like, if it was a miracle, shouldn't she be in France or Albuquerque or something? I'm sorry, Holy Norma.
I didn't mean to mess it up.
You'll go back to making people cry, but in a good way, really soon.
Get out.
I heard a rumor we're getting new beds.
Did your spirit friends have anything to do with that? Look, people love a sign, you know? We're all looking for a clue that there's a reason for things, that everything's not all random and lonely, you know? Maybe focus on another miracle one some dummy can't fuck up.
What do you want, Gonzales? Straight-up gangsta, Chapman.
Respect.
- I'm not the Godfather.
- No.
You're taller and tighter.
It was business.
So what's it gonna take for me to get back in? Have you actually seen The Godfather? You're the sour-pantied Luca Brasi.
You sleep with the fishes.
- I can help.
- You're dead to me.
Basta.
Oh, come on, my mom is sick.
Really? Is that the best that you can come up with? No! For real.
She's got lymphoma, and the co-pays and shit are killing her faster than the cancer.
I gotta be able to help her.
But instead, I'm stuck in this shithole, barely making enough to pay for Pantene.
I'm sorry.
Come on, Chapman, please.
I know you're a good person.
And think of all that sweet potorro tang I'm wasting.
I'm begging and I don't do that 'cause I got Latin pride and shit.
But I'm begging you for this, 'cause it's real stuff going on.
You start off at a lower rate than everybody else.
Thank you.
- Thank you - No hugging.
Mmm-mmm.
It's none of my business, but you know that teardrop under her eye isn't real, right? You're right.
It's literally none of your business.
It's my business, and it's flourishing.
How do you think that's gonna look? Bringing back the agitator-in-chief? Like I am a good and benevolent dictator.
Like King Wangchuck of Bhutan.
He created the Gross National Happiness scale so his people would be content and remain loyal.
And how did that work out for him? Yeah.
There's no such thing as a benevolent dictator, only a weak one, or a dead one.
He did not die.
He abdicated voluntarily.
You know what I mean.
You're letting the fox back into the hen house.
You dumped me because I fired Flaca, and now you're criticizing me for bringing her back.
I broke up with you because you were being gross, and now you're being stupid.
That girl wants to fuck you over and get her prison cred back.
But you're right.
It's none of my business.
Godfather knows best.
Oh, shit! What the fuck? Well, can't make it worse.
Seriously? You feed people food from the fucking floor, like we're animals? Maybe we should all get down on our knees and lick it up! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm kidding.
They doubled our order of slop this month, we can cover it.
What's gotten into you? It's not your problem.
She got man troubles.
Well, why didn't you say so? Don't give it back when you're done.
Not that kind of man.
What other kind is there? The kind with tits.
Burset? They took her to Seg.
I've had enough.
What's done is done.
Let's not beat a dead horse.
Black Beauty was the one beat you.
- You ask me, it got what was coming.
- Uh-uh.
- Don't blame me for what happened.
- I'm giving you credit.
You were the one that started spreading all those rumors about her.
So I'll take credit, too.
Mission accomplished.
You two need to clean this up.
I'll get the mop.
Gloria, sometimes there's a mess.
It happens.
Yeah.
Something's the matter.
I can tell.
I got this talent for knowing when things are bothering people.
Nothing's bothering me.
Yeah, something is.
I can feel it in my elbow.
All the women in my family got the knowing elbow.
Yeah, well, something's bothering you, too.
I can feel it in my toe.
Which toe? Oh, you're bluffing.
All right, fine.
- You want me to say this? - Yeah.
I think we should end this.
Oh, no.
No, that is not what I was thinking at all.
It wasn't? No, I I was thinking how hard gravity had been on me 'cause I fell so far so fast for you.
I was gonna tell you I love you, and I ain't never said that to nobody, except this one guy before.
You telling me you don't love me? It ain't got nothing to do with feelings, okay? I got crazy feelings for you.
Pauly D, JWoww 2010 kind of feelings.
- But that's the problem, you know? - I don't get that! They couldn't act on them.
JWoww had a boyfriend.
You got prison.
Well, there's nowhere to go.
It's like it's blue balls, but for my heart, Lorna.
No, this is not happening.
I I was saving this for my vision board.
But all vision, no action kills Hamlet, right? I guess.
I don't really know.
It did.
I saw the movie.
Whoa, whoa.
Come on, baby.
What are you doing? I love you, Vince Muccio.
And I love everything that you've done for me, especially beating up that good-for-nothing Christopher, showing me what a real man looks like.
I wanna spend my life with you and I don't wanna wait.
Inmate, back in your seat! I want you to marry me.
Morello, no touching! Back in your seat, now! Well, don't leave a girl hanging.
What do you say? You are the most amazing girl I have ever met, Lorna Morello.
I mean, it should be the guy doing the asking, but I gotta say there's something kind of hot about you down on your knees like that.
Yes.
- Yes.
Yes, I will.
- Oh! I will marry you.
I will marry you.
I swear, I'm gonna be such a good wife.
- The best.
- The best.
I don't want you to go, but I think we should say goodbye so we can kiss.
Yeah? Okay.
CO Ford, uh, we are done here.
Can we say goodbye and maybe kiss a little, please? All right, wrap it up.
Morello, wrap it up! The body of Christ.
Amen.
The body of Christ.
- The body of Christ.
- Amen.
- The body of Christ.
- Amen.
The body of Christ.
- Amen.
- The body of Christ.
Ah, look at my little princess.
You got Christ in your body now, dolly.
That means you got responsibilities.
- I love this dress! - What's in your hand? I read in a magazine that white food makes you fat.
You didn't eat your Eucharist? She didn't eat her Eucharist.
You gotta eat the cracker, Lorna.
The cracker's the whole point.
No, Mommy, the dress is the whole point! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Jesus! - Should I remain silent? - Actually, I I could use a nice chat.
You ever believe in anything, Red? Valentina Vladimirovna Tereshkova.
Her father drove a tractor and her mother worked in a textile plant, and she went to outer space in a rocket ship.
First woman to do that.
I worshipped her.
What happened? Nothing, I still think she's terrific.
She's in her 70s now and she wants to go to Mars.
Put in a request with Putin.
Russians stay focused.
This doesn't feel like the good kind of silence.
It's not.
At least it's bread day.
And it's so over-toasted, you could pretend it was a cracker.
Wait.
I never doubted you, not for a second! Gently, gently.
Hold it up.
It's her! It's exactly her! - Oh, my Norma! - Careful.
It's Toast Norma.
It's a miracle.
Toast Norma! Toast Norma! It's like one of those 3D poster thingies from when we were kids.
You gotta wait a second to see it.
Praise be to Norma.
Her image has been emblazoned by the universe unto toast as a reminder of her power and goodliness here on this earth.
There's never any dignity at the end.
Yeah, I'm gonna check it out.
Gina.
Gina don't be a fool.
I have a birthmark on my left butt cheek that's shaped like a scarab.
Doesn't make me Cleopatra.
Yo, Norma, you in their toast! You in the toast! What's going on? - Gaze upon the glory of the toast.
- You in the toast.
- Look at that! - Yeah, I don't see it.
It Oh, holy mother, there it is in, in the burn marks.
- Yeah! - Oh, it's beautiful! It's a gift.
It's a gift.
- It's a gift! Thank you.
- Thank you, Norma.
- It's so crazy.
- Toast Norma.
It's a miracle.
- Norma, it looks just like you.
- It's a real miracle.
- She's sleeping again.
- What? Yo, Bennie.
Wake up.
"Bennie"? Yeah, we checked out them foils, man.
You took, like, 100 Benadryls.
But the good news is your allergies are squared away for, like, a decade.
I still don't understand why we're helping her anyway.
She ain't one of us.
Because you have never been to Psych.
Nobody saved me from the SHU.
Well, eventually, you come back from the SHU.
And look, besides, as long as she with us, we're gonna be like the Tiger Woods of prison cliques.
Blasian is beautiful.
Hey, that's right.
Your skin doesn't have to be black, as long as your heart is black.
Um She's sleeping again.
You've been pretty chill about all of this.
- Shh.
- Man, what you doin', anyway? Well, for your nosy information, I'm working on my conversion essay.
- You still on that? - You damn right.
No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my motherfucking kosher meals.
Okay.
I got a Black Jew, I got an Asian Black, a bunch of race-squatting carpetbaggers.
You've disciplined your body in accordance with the teachings of blessed Elijah, for the glory of Allah.
But anything more, anything more, is self-aggrandizing and immodest, and I forbid it.
What about college? Running track can pay for it.
Not if it means running half-naked in public, like a common whore.
I can't compete wearing a tent.
She has a talent and a passion, and college, a good college, is out of reach without this.
Especially for a woman.
Especially for a black woman.
Money is not my god.
Maybe Allah ain't my god.
Maybe I don't want to be a proud daughter in the Nation of Islam.
_ _ Mmm.
_ _ _ - A mailbox that leaks pee.
- Uh-uh.
I asked for a C-section, so my sails wouldn't be flapping in the wind.
I don't have anything flapping.
It feels like, you know, when you get punched in the eye and it swells shut? Except I got punched in the chocha.
You're back, and you didn't come talk to your mother? What kind of shit is that? I knew I didn't have to 'cause you're gonna butt in anyway.
You got what you wanted, didn't you? I was with my baby two hours, getting ready to hand it over to Pornstache's mom.
And who shows up? Cesar and our cousin, Yas.
Don't pretend like you ain't happy, 'cause I know you are.
Ah, you don't know anything.
You're happy, but you can't say it 'cause you gotta hate me.
You said keeping the baby was the worst thing for her.
Yeah, well, kids adapt.
Marc Anthony grew up in the projects and now he's rich and got to stick it to J.
Lo even though he's pocket-size.
And this was about you.
I know that feeling you got when you had her in your arms.
And if that went away forever, you'd be all kinds of fucked up.
You make her sound like she's drugs.
The worst kind.
She's gonna make you feel better than you ever thought you could, then drain all your money and ruin your life.
You're always gonna need her.
And even when you hate her, you're gonna love her.
Even when she's in prison with you.
- Thank you.
- Was that so fucking hard? Nosing whiskey isn't like sniffing wine.
Now, you'd fry your brain right out of your skull with full nasal insertion into the tumbler.
No, nosing is an art form of its own.
All right, when you boys are ready, go ahead and imbibe.
But don't swallow.
Chew the scotch.
Let it explore the different taste corners of your tongue.
He stole all that fellating whiskey stuff from a YouTube video.
You got something to say there, Danny? Dad, uh, we just really need to get down to business.
Danny, I'm trying to teach you.
It's all business.
The club, the bullshit, it's a dance.
Yeah, well, Burset comes out of the SHU.
Cha-cha-cha.
Uh, Burset comes out of the SHU.
I heard you the first time.
Where was your preamble? Where was the lead-in where you reminded me how you saved money on the fence repair and the new meal plan? Come on, I taught you better! Tell me about the new beds we're installing.
Tell me how much more money we're gonna make.
Mr.
Pearson, we need to focus on the people we're tucking into these new beds, or any budget surplus we find is going straight to fight one gross-negligence lawsuit after another.
We have a chance to set the pace with Burset.
We can't keep her in the SHU forever, and the longer we do, the more we open ourselves up for Let me back you up here for a second, Joe.
Ms.
Burset is in protective custody, not solitary confinement.
It's both one and the horrible same, sir.
I understand.
And we need to talk about updating our facilities and our policies about their use as a long-term priority.
- Well, how can a priority be long-term? - Uh, Danny No, no, no, a priority by definition is something that needs to happen right now.
I think what Danny means No, no, no, no, he knows what I mean.
What I mean is Burset comes out of the SHU, - 'cause she didn't do anything wrong! - All right, son, all right.
No, don't do that! That placating thing! You're doing it right now! And you lied to me, and you did it to my face! I told you we would look over our options.
We did and there were none better.
So you can either suck it up You know, fine! That's it! I quit! Whoa, what's going on? Yeah.
Enjoy nose-fucking your whiskey! This is out of line.
Find anything good? These donated books are the suck.
I read that one already.
Once you rebuild your bones with butter, you're gonna have to unclog your arteries with, like, a Shop-Vac or something.
It's kind of bullshit.
Spoiler alert.
Hey, um, thanks again for giving me a second chance, Chapman.
I'm really grateful.
Uh-huh.
Next! Nah, we don't got that.
All these new guards.
Infiltrators.
Next.
Did you see the toothpick guy? Uh, no.
I've been laying real low.
Don't turn around! They're watching.
There's the squirrelly dude who looks like a young Jack Nicholson, who's always givin' everybody donuts.
Then there's the high-school-looking kid who uses that little baby face to get away with something.
And now, there's a toothpick guy.
He started today! Next.
- Thanks.
I'll be careful.
- You will be dead.
I haven't even gotten started on the black Mr.
Clean over there.
What, CO Please-and-thank-you? He's a teddy bear.
Who are the Teddy Bears? Should I know about them? Next.
Ivory soap, Colgate, Diet Coke.
Bad choice.
Aspartame invented by Donald Rumsfeld in the '80s.
Mind control.
That's true.
Seriously? You, too? Did you know that Monsanto gave Donald Rumsfeld $12 million for aspartame in 1985? Yes.
All right, we should talk.
Soso, thanks for comin'.
Please, have a seat.
Are you okay? You look, uh Did they give you your prescription at medical? Well, sometimes it takes a couple of weeks to even out.
What did you wanna see me about? Berdie Rogers.
Is she coming back? Mr.
Caputo is gonna be talking to several inmates about her conduct.
I want you to know that you can trust him.
You can basically tell him anything you would tell me.
For example, don't be afraid to tell him that you spoke with her for several weeks and she offered you no medical care for your Your mental condition.
You're really bad at your job, Mr.
Healy.
Like, really bad.
You make me feel worse about myself every time we talk.
Berdie helped me.
I'm going now.
- We're ready.
- You made that? Mmm-hmm.
As good as any tattoo gun you'll see in the real world.
I mean, almost.
This is a spinny thing from an old Discman, and that drives the needle that I snagged from the sweatshop.
Where did you find a Discman? One of the OG ladies.
She traded it for a fan.
Thank God for hot flashes.
Add a little power.
And some ink.
Now all I need is the girl.
I'm thinking an infinity symbol.
I'm thinking a small infinity symbol.
Mmm-mmm.
Cliché.
Said the girl with the Yeah.
Those are all pretty unique.
Let me surprise you.
Unless you don't trust me.
I don't trust anybody, and I'm starting to have second thoughts about this.
Chicken.
Come on, it's white ink.
You're not even gonna see it, not unless you're looking for it.
Fine.
But subtle.
Ow! Oh, this hurts.
Um, I need a distraction.
Nope.
That's not it at all.
You need to do the opposite.
You need to honor the pain.
Really feel it.
Tell yourself you're into it.
It's your pain.
I'm into it? Yeah, you're really into it.
You own it.
I'm gonna miss you.
At least now you'll have something to remember me by.
Something that both June and Joann don't realize.
Hold on, ladies.
Ladies.
Okay.
Sister, I got a favor to ask.
Can I make a confession to you? Of sin or crime? Not that I'm qualified to handle either one.
Sin.
Guilt.
How about I listen and advise? - You wanna wait till your show's over? - Oh, it's a repeat.
Go ahead.
Okay, so, I had a grudge against this person, and she got herself into some trouble.
And I never spoke up and said, "Hey, she's not really dangerous!" It's never too late to do the right thing.
It is if she's already in Seg.
Sophia's my friend, so forgive me if I have a hard time staying objective.
It's this place.
We're locked up, all of us in a cage.
And it brings out, man it brings out the worst, most selfish parts.
It's this place.
It's us.
I didn't say anything either when they took Sophia to Seg.
We fail, and God forgives us, but I don't know if we can ever really forgive each other or ourselves.
I guess you can say some Hail Marys.
I don't know what else to tell you.
It's all wrong.
_ Shh! _ _ _ _ Pretend like she ain't even here.
Let's get you set up.
- Okay.
This may be a little cold.
- Mmm.
Okay.
Everything's looking good.
Heart's beating like a little hummingbird.
And the What happened? Uh, no, no.
She's fine.
It's just she's a he.
It's rare that we're wrong on that, but _ I can see his little pee-pee right there! I still don't understand what I'm doing here.
- You a part of my Beit Din.
- Excuse me? I'm converting.
Mmm-hmm.
This here's Ginsberg.
She's been helping me out.
And that's Boyle.
I know her name don't sound Jewish, but she Jewish on her mama's side, and her great-uncle died in the Holocaust, and she taught me the Hebrew alphabet for granola bars.
So, I'm here to present my case.
I'm here to ask three times and get told "No" and "No," and then "Yes," and then be a Jew.
I'm here to take the name Tova, which means "good" because it's all good now.
I've been working for real, Rabbi.
Try me.
For serious! I'm ready to get my Jew on.
And it ain't just about the food, although the more I been learnin', the food a big part of it, am I right? She's been really dedicated.
Why she wants to go from being a hated minority to a double-hated minority is beyond me, but she's for real.
We've been studying, arguing.
Hey, uh, you wouldn't happen to be related to Aimee Tatelbaum, would you? She's my cousin.
Oh, my God! We were at Penn together.
Wait, Alan? Cousin Alan? I know some things about you.
Oh, Alan.
You'd better Beit Din this woman before I start to talk.
- Well, Aimee's full of shit.
- Oh, is she? Like the story about you and the Berkshires with Samantha Gottleib - and the mushrooms, that's bullshit? Yeah.
- That's not - Ask, Tova.
Ask.
- Mmm.
Mmm-hmm.
Hey.
- Can I be a Jew? - No.
Can I be a Jew? No.
Can I be a Jew? You really want this? Sincerely? Not because this one's trying to blackmail me for something stupid when I was 19 or for broccoli with your dinner? What is this for you? Honestly I think I found my people.
I was raised in a church where I was told to believe and pray.
And if I was bad, I'd go to hell.
If I was good, I'd go to heaven.
And if I'd ask Jesus, he'd forgive me, and that was that.
And here y'all saying ain't no hell ain't sure about heaven.
And if you do something wrong, you got to figure it out yourself.
And as far as God's concerned, it's your job to keep aksing questions and to keep learning and to keep arguing.
It's like a verb.
It's like you do God.
And that's a lot of work.
But I think I'm in, at least as far as I can see it.
I mean, maybe I'll learn more and say, "Fuck the whole thing.
" I mean, but I wanna learn more, and I think I gotta be in it to do that.
You know, does that make sense? Shit, did I just talk myself out of it? Fuck.
Ask me again.
- Can I be a Jew? - Yes.
No, I need three answers.
- Yes.
- Yes.
Yeah! Look at me now! I'm a bona fide jailhouse Jew! Sort of.
It's not really official without the mikvah, but that was wonderful.
Really, Tova.
Congratulations.
Hold up.
Mik-what? Oh, it's like, um It's like a baptism, but without all the touching.
You soak in a pool and you clean off all that Christian filth that you've been carrying around.
- We can fake that shit in the shower.
- No, that won't count.
The mikvah needs to be pure, naturally occurring water, and you need to be fully submerged, and nude.
Yeah.
Maybe it'll rain, okay? There'll be a sinkhole or something, and we'll make it official then.
In the meantime, you are Jew-ish.
Huh? Most holy, righteous, and everywhere-present God, our Father who art in Heaven, we ask thy blessing upon this food.
Bless the hearts and the hands of those that provide the same, and when it is ours to pass from time to eternity Do you know what awaits sinners like you, self-worshippers of the flesh? Do you know what is your Promised Land? Answer me, Cindy! Do you know? Deuteronomy, chapter 29, verse 23, tells us about your Promised Land.
Your land is brimstone and salt, a burning waste, unsown and unproductive, and no grass grows on it, like the overthrow of Sodom and Gomorrah.
So thou must not sin! Amen! - Amen.
- Say "amen"! Amen, amen, amen, amen.
Maxwell said you wanted to see me? Yeah, Morello's getting married.
She asked that you be the witness.
Ah, I heard the happy news an hour ago.
Oh, she's a rash girl.
All heart and tits and no brain, hmm? Well, thanks for letting me know.
I'll get started on my maid of honor speech.
Can I ask you a question? You and I have a special relationship.
That's why I feel like I can ask you this question.
Would you say that I'm bad at my job? Well, the very fact that we have a special relationship and that you acknowledge it should at least partially answer your question, Healy.
But I'd be lying if I said it hasn't helped me.
It has.
Having a contemporary in here who isn't A, a woman, and B, a thieving, lying, crazy, murderous, drug-addled woman, has been a godsend.
Are you good at your job? I don't know.
But I know that you've helped me, and I'm grateful to you for it.
Can I go now that I've watered your ego flower? Yes.
Your prison mistress gave you a prison tat.
You are turning into a trope.
- She's my business partner, with benefits.
- Ah.
She's getting out and wanted to give me something to remember her by.
I was sad, so I let her.
White ink, huh? That must be pretty intimidating to some of these girls, maybe under, like, a black light or something.
- What does it say? - It says "Trust no bitch.
" And yes, as a matter of fact, the girls are scared shitless.
Hmm.
I'm quite gangsta.
Oh, shit.
What? I have to give you honesty, because that's how I need to live, in truth.
What the fuck, Cal? Neri is selling extra panties on the side.
What? No.
- Yeah.
- All wrong.
And where's she getting people to wear them? Well, um, actually, we invented a miso-tuna-honey sauce that tastes quite delicious until you add the glue.
You're diluting the brand.
You have to get her to stop.
Neri's knock-off prison panties aren't the problem.
In fact, her questionable criminal ethics might actually offset the real problem.
My job is to handle shit in here.
Your job is to handle shit out there.
Okay, Pipes, while I'm really proud of how evil prison has made you, I think you're overestimating your villain index.
You're still transitioning.
You know, you're not Walter White yet.
You're Walter White-ink.
What are you talking about? Your money is gone.
Somebody transferred all of your clam clams.
- When? - This morning.
Fucking Flaca! Was a time, Norma, you were good at making people feel safe at peace and calm.
Then you let this cave troll turn it into a cult.
Hey, we're toasting Norma here.
It's our new thing.
Brook Soso tried to kill herself.
She needed help, and you pushed her away.
As far as I'm concerned, that makes you an accessory.
- What the fuck? - You better back up off before I smash those shit-stained Chiclets you call teeth down your throat! Look at all of y'all.
The whole point of being here was to escape our shitty reality.
What, and now you're worshipping a piece of toast? You know, you actually had me believing in miracles.
But now I know miracles ain't real, and you ain't shit.
Okay, it's fine.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Would you stop it? It's fine.
Norma Toast is safe.
We're good.
Back to it.
and so then I woke up in the laundry room.
It was so weird.
Maybe I was gonna wash my pants, and I fell asleep.
I think I need to start taking vitamins, or stop taking Ambien.
Something.
Ooh, there's There's an underpass down Broad Street.
It's a good spot.
Take a left up here.
I don't feel very good.
It's all right, I'll make you feel better.
No, my, my head.
It's, like, it's banging right now.
It must be my lady time.
Ain't nothing sexy about that.
It doesn't bother me.
I kind of like it.
Right here.
Take this left, right here.
Hey, what are you doing? I told you to make that left.
What's the matter with you? You want You want me to get a little rough? Is that it? A little roleplay? You into that? Something's really wrong, like, like my Nancy Grace ears catnip.
- What? - Yes, something's It's like my Nancy Grace ears catnip bluegrass funeral.
Tiff, are you okay? What's the matter with you? Nancy Grace ears.
I can't Shit! Ahh! What the fuck is that noise? Is that real, or are you doing it 'cause you think it's a turn-on? - Is that your fucking excuse? - Oh, fuck.
- Fuck.
- The fuck.
You've got to be fucking kidding me.
Oh.
What, are you gonna start crying now? My dick must have finally realized who you are.
I did not think one man could possibly have more self-loathing than you already did.
You must be loving this.
Why are you here? Why do you keep coming here? "Coming" is the operative word, which obviously isn't happening tonight, so Natalie, wait.
Wait a second.
"Natalie"? Jesus fucking Christ.
I'm here because you're a good lay, and I relish the fact that you hate me but you can't resist me.
Don't worry.
I still loathe you, Fig.
Oh, good.
But you're, uh I'm not really close to anyone right now.
Do you have any idea how pathetic you are, weirdo? Yes, actually, I do.
I work for a sleazebag corporation, and I am hate-fucking a dead-eyed, anorexic crone who's the only person I can talk to.
I'm living my worst nightmare.
Then channel your inner Freddy Krueger and grab life by the balls with your big, bladed fingers.
Pearson quit over this Burset thing.
- I should too, but - Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Pearson quit? You have the chance for a promotion, and you're going limp? Even if I wanted his job, and I don't, it's a lateral move.
A lateral move with more pay? Yes.
It's a promotion.
But I'm not gonna capitalize on Burset.
I'm gonna fight for her.
Why? Because I wear protection, so I haven't caught whatever form of syphilis you have that caused your soul to rot.
No, really.
Why? You keep on martyring yourself for these people, and why? Has anyone ever thanked you for saving the prison? Just the people who are now profiting from it.
Well, maybe those are the people you should be sticking your neck out for.
Do what you have to do, or you're the one who gets fucked in the ass.
Speaking of which You're so disgusting.
Hey.
I heard about your mother.
Yeah.
Thanks.
You two good? What's that supposed to mean? You know what? Let's say our prayers and go on with our days.
That sounds good to you, little girl? - I ain't your little girl.
- Oh, I know that.
You don't need nobody.
I got it.
Certainly don't need people who don't got my back.
Well, maybe people would have your back if they knew you weren't gonna turn it on them.
Hey, Gonzales.
You took my money? - What? - You wanna fuck with me? You need to step back right now, or you gonna lay back, bitch.
I don't care what she did, what you think she did.
You don't get to come here and push, or you're gonna get pushed.
She saw me this morning in the library, conducting business.
All I saw you was reading that stupid butter-bones book, and I told you it was bad science.
What are you talking about? You made up a story about your sick mom so that I would let you back in.
Her mother is sick, idiot.
And why you think she's in here on her knees? Huh, what's the matter with you? Well, good.
I mean, not good that she's sick, but good that you weren't lying, and I hope that she feels better, and I hope that you both know not to mess with me.
Angie ate Toast Norma.
She thought it would give her powers or some stupid shit, and I didn't stop her because the people believed the stupid, black dyke who listened to that stupid, yellow chink.
I mean "yellow" both racially and as a chicken-shit.
Only chicken-shits try to kill themselves.
I know you're upset about the toast.
It was a bad idea.
Norma, I still believe in you.
Don't do this to me, please.
You need me.
I need you.
We made miracles.
No.
It's just a scratch.
- They'll probably just buff that out.
- It's not a scratch, man.
Huh.
You okay? What'd the doc say? I told him all about the word soup and white eyeballs.
- And? - And, you know, even though it's probably just a one-time, freak thing I ain't fit to be the van girl no more.
Who knew cousin Sandy's epilepsy would one day save your hillbilly prison soul? You're a really good teacher.
Yeah, and you, apparently, are a fine actress.
All he gets is a bandage over his eye.
Yeah, but he bled a lot.
Not out of his butt.
Still, I consider that a win.
Yeah.
We need you over here.
Hi, it's Maritza.
Aw, shit.
Ah, shit.
Miss Black? Your heart was in a dangerous arrhythmia.
We were able to shock it back to sinus rhythm.
You're gonna be fine.
There's no God.
There's nothing.
How's the tat feeling? It's burning.
Searing, even.
It looks okay.
Doesn't look infected or anything.
It must be the irony, then.
"Trust no bitch.
" I don't get it.
You and Alex are the only people who know where that phone is and maybe Flaca, but I really don't think so.
And neither one of them are getting out in two days.
You fucked me, Stella.
I'm panicking, Piper.
Oh, so you decide to steal from me? I have no family, no friends and $20.
That doesn't even get me one night in a motel.
It'll pay for an hour, which is plenty of time to use your hot tits and your pretty, little lying face to lure in a sucker and rob him blind.
What's going on with The L Word over there? Thunder from Down Under been necking with somebody else? Nah, Chapman's been accusing people of stealing her money.
Oh, that bitch guilty.
- How do you know? - She desperate.
I hit her up to see what she was gonna leave me in her prison will, - and she taking everything.
- Ooh.
She even taking the Maxi Pads.
Man, Chapman came at me ready to bash my skull in, but she gonna let her off the hook? It pays to hump the boss.
She let you come back and let the kangaroo rob her blind? Girls, this is good news.
She'll gum you, but the boss got no teeth.
I'm gonna ask for more money.
She gonna donate to the Foster's, she can donate to Colt 45.
Or should I be saying "Manischewitz" now? You could have asked me instead of burgling me.
I'm asking you now to understand.
Of course I understand.
Your situation is going to be my situation in the next six to 12 months, which is why I started Felonious Spunk in the first place.
To take money from perverts, not from people that I pretend to care about.
I do care! Don't you? I'm going to make this up to you.
I promise.
And as groom and bride prepared for this ceremony, they reflected on what it is that brought them here today, ready to commit their lives to one another.
You have your vows, yes? Groom goes first.
"Lorna," I cannot believe we are doing this.
In fact, I think we might be crazy.
But we are crazy together.
We fit, and we match and I think you are beautiful and you make me feel tall.
"And I love your heart.
" You're good, Lorna.
"I cannot wait to spend every day that I am allowed to with you, and then when you are out, just every day.
" Vince I'm just so happy and honored to be Lorna Muccio.
And for that, I thank you very much-io.
I'm not a great writer like you, so I have a poem to read.
"In my life, there's been heartache and pain.
" I don't know if I can face it again.
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far to change this lonely life.
I want to know what love is.
I want you to show me.
I want to feel what love is.
"I know you can show me.
" Foreigner, my favorite band.
I knew it! - Beautiful.
- Yeah.
And now the rings.
Vince, place your ring on Lorna's finger and repeat after me.
Oh.
"Through this ring, I, Vincent Muccio, accept you, Lorna Morello, as my wife, now and for all time.
" Through this ring, I, Vincent Muccio, accept you, Lorna Morello, as my wife, now and for all time.
And now, Lorna, place your ring on Vincent's finger.
This is so beautiful.
This is why I don't wanna elope.
I can't cry like this in front of my mother.
Oh, shit, I missed her putting on the ring.
Get the kiss, you big galoot.
Through this ring, I, Lorna Morello, accept you, Vincent Muccio, as my husband, now and forever.
Now, normally, at this point, I would have you both light the unity candle, but prison restrictions on open flames won't allow it.
Plus, our bride is wearing paper.
So instead, I will urge you to gaze into each other's eyes and light the fire within.
As you do by the power vested in me by the state of New York, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride! Oh, my goodness! Ah, they make a beautiful couple, absolutely beautiful.
Okay, you two can spend an hour in here together.
Bell will stay with you.
Uh, here? You don't have a trailer or somethin' a little more private, alone? There's no conjugal visits in Federal.
I'm sorry.
- Yes! Husband, yes! - Yeah! Fuck yeah, wife! Consummate this marriage! Consummating the shit out of you, babe! Yeah, yeah.
Young love they have no idea what they're in for.
It doesn't always end badly.
Oh, said the man whose wife sleeps in her mother's bed to the prisoner whose brand-new divorce certificate is her most prized possession.
You gotta believe in something.
Why not love? Because "happily ever after" was invented for the storybooks, so kids reach breeding age without killing themselves.
So, love is the lie we tell ourselves so we don't go extinct? That's pretty bleak, Red, even for you.
Oh, and you caught me on a glass-half-full day.
So, you don't think there's someone out there you're meant to be with? Of course I do.
Everybody has a soul mate.
But they're usually on the other side of the bars, or the wall, or the planet from you.
That's the way the universe works.
You're not gonna be in prison forever.
You got a future to think about.
Our ships passed too late in the night for one of them to change course, Sam.
Father! Father! Father! God, please help my mother.
Father? My mom is sick again.
Jesus? Ahh! Help me, please! Somebody, please! He smells! Oh, gross! Get the fuck off of me! I've rewritten this at least ten times.
I don't know what to say.
I feel like you're saving my life.
I came to say goodbye.
Well, I still have a few more days.
Clear the bunk.
Not you.
We have reports of contraband.
I haven't got anything.
I'm getting out in two days.
Well, hopefully you've given everything away, then.
Well - Found a lighter.
- That's not mine.
Marijuana cigarettes? Wait, wait Cigarette cigarettes.
This isn't even my stuff.
It can't be! Ugh! Where'd you get illegal chicken from, inmate? What? Bayley, check out this candy shiv.
How cool is that? I mean this is a deadly weapon.
You are so going to Max, inmate.
Sorry about your dildo, Boo.
Cost of doing business.
I'll make it up to you.
Damn, Chapman.
That is some stone-cold shit.
I don't fuck around.
Let the people know.
I'm hoping this voluntary organizing meeting is, uh, code for "our union petition has been accepted.
" Maybe he just wants us to pull together our official list of demands.
I think the prison should issue us socks and underwear, not just outerwear.
I want them to pay my college loans.
You went to college, and you're working here? Associate's degree, Justice Admin, DeVry.
Here he is, the white Cesar Chavez.
Today, as you know, is a very big day.
So, let's make this quick.
We hear Pearson's out.
Are you next? Are they union-busting? Or did our petition go through and he got canned for not stopping it? Pearson quit.
There's a new Director of Human Activity.
It's you, isn't it? Everyone has the right to unionize.
Shit.
Motherfucking shit.
But I have access to budgets now.
And all that noise about the whole shebang coming crashing down if MCC starts covering benefits, it is 100% true.
They must have given you a pretty good pay raise.
Yeah, like 30 pieces of silver.
I have done nothing but save your asses since this prison was scheduled to close.
You're goddamn right.
It was a pretty good pay raise.
And any one of you ungrateful, selfish sons of bitches would have thrown me under the bus and run me over to get the same.
Well, guess what? It's my turn.
It's the year of Caputo.
You know, we had a union captain once who told us that the corporation would call an optional meeting and then try to scare us out of unionizing.
I remember that.
He said, "When they did that, we should say," and I am paraphrasing "Fuck you!" That's right, because he said, "The company needs you more than you need them.
" Now I've seen things from the inside, and I stand corrected.
You're all replaceable.
Not today, we're not.
I'd say today of all days, the company still needs us pretty damn bad.
Yeah, I'm gonna go with my old captain on this one.
Fuck you.
It ain't right, Mr.
Caputo.
It ain't right.
Good luck letting the monkeys run the zoo.
All right, all tools are present and accounted for.
All good.
Thanks, ladies.
Oh, wait, wait.
Hold up.
Someone needs to sweep.
- Not me.
- No way.
Fine.
I'll do it.
But you guys owe me.
Okay.
Thank you, Vause.
I'm gonna walk them over.
Yeah, yeah, I'll just be here, sweeping like Cinderella.
Well, that was quick.
Aydin.
How This place would hire Forrest fucking Gump.
The guy who interviewed me was so relieved to find someone who's actually qualified.
You don't have to do this.
Yeah, I do.
Hey, uh, there's no inmates in the dorms while the bunks are being installed.
She needs to sit down.
I'm sorry.
Rules is rules.
This one.
At least we're getting new beds.
I'm a little good at a lot of things and I'm helping New Yorkers one thing at a time.
- Who are you? - Is Cesar home? Cesar? Some white guy! Okay, it's okay.
Yo, what's up, man? Who are you? Uh, Cesar Velazquez? Fuck.
Get back in the room! Go back in the room! What do you mean get back in the room? Cesar, we have a warrant! DEA! Come on! - Please don't take my baby! - Move in! Hands up! Don't move! Get back in the room! Get back in your - Cesar! Cesar! - No! It's okay.
Yo, get your filthy fucking hands off my baby! You two, with me! Let's go! He's over there! Get your hands off my daughter, you stupid motherfucker! Get him down on the ground! Get your hands off my fucking daughter! - Motherfucker! - Daddy! Get your hands off my daughter, motherfucker! Come here, come here! Let go of my daughter! I swear, the Jesus, looks like heroin Romper Room in here.
- Let's go, let's go! - Get Child Services down here, now.
And, Donna, get the baby out.
What are you doin'? No, no.
Let go of my baby.
Let go of my baby, you mother Get off Daddy! Christina! Take care of Daya's baby! Let go of me.
Get off my girl! Get off my girl, motherfucker! Cliché, my ass.
It's It's fucking awesome.
Hello? Hello? Judy King is here.
Anyone? We're here to self-surrender! Anyone? Well, fuck a duck.
Already this place is a goddamn joke.
I told you we should've stuck with Alderson, but no, no, you gotta drag my ass all the way to upstate Jew York.
I should kick your balls into your sternum.
Well, did we or did we not call ahead? I mean, this is just rude.
Oh, God.
Hey, where's Norma Christ going? - Holy - Shit! - Where the guards at? - I feel like this is one of those things, like when all the dogs and the horses disappear before there's an earthquake or a tidal wave or something.
- I'm going.
- You crazy.
They're the ones who took the fence down.
Maybe they're expanding the yard.
Are we supposed to know any better? She got a good point.
The fuck? Oh, shit.
What's even over there? A bunch of bitches going to Seg.
Nah, nah! It's the lake! It's not escapable or nothin'.
It's a miracle.
- Come on, yo! - Oh, man, you too? - What? - Even if we don't get busted, you ain't worried about eels or some shit? There ain't no eels in the freedom lake, man.
Stop being such a stereotype.
One of them black bitches gonna get they shit drowned, and I ain't gonna be responsible.
Look.
Let's just be free for a second.
It's gonna be the last time in a long time.
Jesus! Nope.
Hey, y'all seen Ginsberg? But now's my chance for some new-Jew juju! - I don't follow you.
- That lake's my mikvah! Isn't that her crashing through the underbrush? Oh, Ginsberg! Ginsberg! You know I think I could stand a little sand between my toes, too.
Let's do it.
No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey! Hey! No, no.
Okay.
Uh, stop! Hey, hey! - Hey! Stop it! - Boo! Come on.
Why now? Why now? Somebody, please! Hallelujah! Yo Crazy? - Do you see her? - Yo! Wow.
You're going down.
Go! Go! Charge her! No! You can't stop the Boo-satucky! No! No! Oh! No, oh.
Whoo! Taystee, come on in! The water's fine! - Come on in, girl! - Okay! Okay! I'm in! Whoo! Mazel tov.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Oh!