Orange Is the New Black s04e02 Episode Script
Power Suit
1 Come on! Go.
Fuck! - Seriously? - What you want me to do? It's like a fucking carnaval out there.
That don't mean we gotta behave like animals.
You think animals got oral hygiene? I hate everybody.
We ain't gonna let this take us down.
You hear me? - We're gonna fight it.
- Are you stupid? Kids that go into the system is like flushin' a goldfish down the toilet.
They don't swim back up.
Well, I've had more than my share of toilets reversing their shit and piss and dead goldfish all over my bathroom floor.
I got you back, didn't I? You got lucky once because the caseworker died, and the temp spiked her Big Gulp with vodka.
But now, we don't know the caseworker.
We're in jail.
How do you think this plays? You know, if fucking Bennett wouldn't have lost his balls This is your fault.
You just had to, huh? Snatch my baby from a lady that would've bought her organic, and piano lessons, and toys made out of wood.
Listen, Cesar's gonna get out, and he's gonna fix this.
- He punched two cops.
- Please.
I seen him beat a murder rap where they found the gun in his pants.
His sharky cousin, Duardo, got a Jew who reps everyone in the game.
Cesar will be back on the street in like a week, I'm telling you.
Cool.
I guess I don't have nothin' to worry about.
I'm not saying it's gonna be easy.
I'm saying we still got cards.
We're alive.
And don't kid yourself.
Babies hate wood toys.
They don't make noise or nothing.
That's some yuppie bullshit.
- Morning.
- Dwight.
I'm glad you're here.
Turns out we, but mostly you, have a very big problem.
Oh, good gobsmackers, I did it again last night, didn't I? If you mean your impression of a sack of marbles being dumped in a dryer, then, yes, you did it.
For six fucking hours straight.
I am so sorry, Mrs.
Reznikov.
Ugh, this is so embarrassing.
It's my greatest affliction.
Mmm, I'm gonna say you weren't the afflicted one last night, no? You were asleep.
I know, I know.
But you have no idea.
I've tried everything.
Those sticky strips for your nose? Yes, but those don't work for me because the problem isn't my nose.
It's my uvula.
I have an abnormally large uvula.
Of course you do.
Larry snored.
I used to stick books under the top of his side of the mattress so his head would stay elevated.
- And that worked? - Not really.
But half an Ativan did.
It knocked me right out.
And if I was asleep first, it didn't bother me.
I guess that's not helpful in this situation.
That's not happening.
Today or any other day.
It's just until it dries.
It's just until No! Mi casa is not su casa, comprende? I mean, okay, but when it starts to grow mildew, we're both gonna smell it.
You gotta think globally.
- You have one hour.
- Let's see how it goes.
I mean, it's a little humid, you know? Yep.
Uh, nope.
Error.
Your shoes can't go on that floor, scarfy.
They're shoes.
I'm aware, but you live on the top bunk.
The floor is a part of the bottom bunks.
Count time, ladies.
Let's move it! So, I'm supposed to, what, hang shit off the ceiling? You free to do whatever you want with the ceiling.
That ain't a way to live.
Look, all I'm sayin' is, before y'all got here, this floor was bottom-bunk property.
Now, you showin' your face don't change the rules.
I don't care how much your mama loves you.
Um, excuse me, sir, is it okay if I keep my shoes on the floor? Sure.
Okay, okay, that's how you want it? You and Tova got beef now.
First of all, your name ain't Tova.
I'm sorry? Black people been naming their kids some crazy shit, but Tova ain't on the list.
Unless the "V" is, like, a five or somethin'.
It's Hebrew.
Please, you ain't no Jew.
You wanna say that again, bitch? Like you was born in Karachi.
Okay, that's it for count.
Remember, we have a meeting in the chapel in five minutes.
Everyone should be walking.
Even you, puffy head.
There's so many Mexicans now.
It's like a Home Depot parkin' lot in here.
Dominicans.
If you're gonna be racist, you gotta be accurate, or you just look dumb.
Is Dominicans the ones that wear gold chains and smoke cigars - and swim to Florida? - No.
Is it the coffee and the coke and the "Hips Don't Lie"? No, they talk a lot and play baseball, and they're always like, "I'm super not black," even though Haiti is the exact same island.
That's right.
Yeah, I hate them.
Caputo! Morning, ladies.
For those of you who don't know, I am Mr.
Caputo, and I am the Director of Human Activity here at Litchfield.
This is CO Piscatella.
I have asked him to stay on here at camp as our new Captain of the Guards.
It's my old job.
- Judy King! - Judy! So things have gotten a little crowded around here, huh? We at MCC are aware that new situations can be trying for you ladies.
So we called this meeting to let you know of the measures we're taking for your comfort and safety.
For instance, porta-potties have been installed out in the yard to take some of the strain from the bathrooms.
We gotta shit outside now? Side note, porta-potty maintenance will be an additional responsibility for our janitorial jobs crew.
- Hell, no! - Yes! We gonna get jobs? Job assignments for new inmates is still under review.
We'll get to that at a future time.
MCC realizes it can be challenging living with this many people.
But we thought ahead.
And today, on your way out, each of you will receive a free pair of earplugs.
- You're kidding me, right? - Oh, man! Judy King! You just pop these babies in, lie back in your bunk, and it's like you're on a desert island.
Where is Sophia Burset? Where is she? That's some bullshit, Caputo.
We also have a plan in place for stress management in these transitional times.
Breathing exercises.
Calm you right down.
CO Piscatella, please.
Okay, so we are going to inhale on a count of five, hold it for five, then exhale on a count of five, okay? Repeat after me.
- Jesus Christ! - Whoa! He couldn't have passed out the earplugs first? I'm sorry, did that sound in any way optional? Because it could save your life one day.
Now inhale! Our lives are about to change, Ruiz.
About to? Somebody already stole my shower shoes.
Look around you, dumbass.
Don't you get it? - What? - We're the majority now.
Whoo.
The Colombian cartels their time is over! Now, it's the Mexicans moving powder up I-90 and deliverin' it to our neighborhoods, like the fuckin' UPS guy! They don't care about us, they don't care about our family, they don't care about our heritage.
They're all about the money.
We're all about love! Homeland forever! That's why we're gonna destroy 'em.
These cundangos think they're gonna run our city? Well, guess what.
El Chapo's in jail, but El León is still here! Dominican forever! Homeland forever! Now, for the real reason we're here.
To say happy birthday to my baby girl, Maria! Come on, Maria! See, princess? This is all for you.
Everybody came out tonight for you.
- My cake.
- That's your cake! What's that, honey? What's it say there? - Maria! - Who's that? - Me.
- That's you! That's right! Happy birthday.
Give Daddy a kiss.
Arlenis, still the hottest girl at the party.
Shut your lying mouth.
Happy birthday.
I made my special quipes for you.
No.
Put that away.
What are you doing? It's a party.
Take it.
For your son's leg.
Surgery is expensive.
Gracias, León.
We take care of our people.
What do you say, baby? Homeland forever! Yes! You know, you're captain now.
You can take off that uniform, put on a suit.
I prefer the uniform, sir.
It keeps me action-ready.
- Healy? - Yes, sir? Boss-man, sir.
Listen, I put Judy King in room four.
Everybody who used to be in room four, I moved into room five.
You gave her a private room? No, that would be special treatment.
I've given her a business class room.
By herself? No, we're giving her a roommate, like everyone else who's Like everyone else who has 39 roommates, but that's on an average.
Why are you riding me on this one? HQ has got its twat in a knot over this.
Public relations, yada yada.
We gotta keep her happy.
You do understand the business that we're doing here? Yes, the business I'm in charge of.
So you need to find me someone she can get along with.
- You know the ladies.
- I'm processing 80 new inmates, Joe.
I got enough on my plate here.
Well, scrape it off.
Judy King is your new main course.
Watch your attitude, Healy.
MCC, they love a recent college graduate with no salary quote.
Yes, if he goes off the pills, his balls might go back to a normal size, but so will everything else.
It'll be like 2009 all over again.
Benny? Yeah.
I'm okay.
Listen, papi, I need you to do something for me, all right? I want you to go over to Michael's and tell his mom that Sophia's in the SHU.
And she didn't do nothin' wrong.
- Oh, that ain't right.
- Come on, man.
Hey, Doggett.
I'm feeling a lot better.
- How you feelin'? - I'm okay.
- That was a gnarly seizure.
- I'm fine.
You should really make sure you're gettin' enough rest.
I read that helps.
I've been readin' up.
Yeah? Thanks, okay, for readin'.
Yeah, uh, good night's sleep, Doggett.
That'll fix you right up.
Well, ain't he thoughtful? Got a real tight ass on him, too.
Have you noticed? Reminds me of my second husband.
Mmm.
Lucky you.
Look, frankly, I don't know why Mr.
Caputo didn't leave me in my assigned bunk.
I would've been perfectly happy there.
Well, I'm sure you would've.
Although, let's admit it.
That bunk was a bit urban for you.
You mean black? Well, no, I mean, you don't wanna be the only star in the night sky.
Oh, I have no problem with black people, Mr.
Healy.
Do you? No, of course not.
They're friendly, individually.
- As a group, though - Well, I get along with everybody.
My daddy used to say, "Well, Judy will talk to a dog in a hat.
" Asians, the other way around.
Hardworking people, clean, but one-on-one, they Look, let me tell you somethin' about a roommate.
All I care is that she's clean and considerate.
Beyond that, I don't care if she comes from the moon.
But, of course, no fatties, Nebraskans or anybody with too much hair.
I understand you perfectly.
These cocolos all over the ball like it's a free sandwich.
Cocolos? For real? I bet you got cousins darker than they are, pana.
They ain't black-black.
They indigenous.
Yo, the score's been zero-zero for, like, 40 minutes! This shit is boring! It's only the most popular sport in the world, but whatever, grumpy.
It's not a sport.
It's running.
Yeah, we wanna watch the Travel Channel.
They got a show on there about hotels in Europe where they have swim-up bars.
- No.
- What? She asked nicely! And I said, "No.
" You need a replay on anything else? She ain't swimming to Euro booze no time soon anyhow.
Hey, come on.
You gonna let 'em step? Look how many there fucking are.
Come on.
Fuckin' brownies.
There ain't never just one.
Yo, Flores.
What's up with you? Everyone's already pissed at us.
You're acting like an asshole.
It's a World Cup qualifier.
Never in the history of FIFA has the Dominican Republic qualified.
Because they stink.
- So what the fuck? - It's about national pride.
Fuck national pride.
- What is the matter with you? - Their coach is from Cuba! That's not his fault.
You know it's all bullshit, right? Like, we're all the same, Cuban, Puerto Ricans.
We're all mestizos, we all eat rice and beans.
Holy shit, when people hear about this, there will be no more war.
Fuck you, Flores.
You can't even tell us apart.
You thought I was Venezuelan for, like, two months.
I've been in here three years getting ignored and shit on.
But now? No one's gonna push us around.
You hear me? - So stupid.
- I know.
All right! - Thank you.
- Come on.
They got fucking factories churning this shit out, man.
They got the whole market on lock, the whole country.
Fucking Mexicans, man.
Wait, is that your dad? It's like cumming inside of Jesus.
I'm telling you.
Pero, but for three days, I felt like I had bugs all over me.
Maria.
Maria's friend.
Que hay? - Hey.
- We gotta study.
You're not gonna introduce us? I'm Sirena.
Well, it's nice to meet you, Sirena.
You know why they call me El León? Because you made it up.
Your name is Jorge.
Our organization is called Dominican Pride.
Pride, like a herd of lions.
- Where you from? - Inwood.
- Where you really from? - San Cristóbal.
When I was like two, though.
I don't remember.
It don't matter.
You still got the blood running through your veins.
- Oh, my God! - I guess.
Pretty girl like you, we need you to have pretty babies.
You hear me? Ugh! What is your problem? Tu ta pasao! Qué? What? I'm being friendly! - Come on, let's get out of here! - What, you embarrassed now? I made you, baby girl! You got my blood and my nose.
And for that, I'm sorry, okay? Oh, my God! So, that's why you never want anyone to come over.
They all front like, "La patria," but all they really do is sell drugs and drink Presidente, then complain about, "Presidente doesn't taste the same as like back home.
" The machete thing is cool.
Why can't he just run a bodega or something? Drive a bus? Hey! Oh, shit! It's that Mexican papi chulo that hangs out next to school.
Where is it? Come on.
There's nothin'.
Yeah, because you ditched it in the alley.
We're not idiots, son.
Turn around.
Behind your back.
Hey, I'm not seein' anything.
How about our friend there? Hey, you! Where'd you come from? I was just takin' a walk.
Hands up! Against the wall! Ow! Ouch! What the Ow! Come on, man! - Anything? - Nothing but ass.
- Fuck you! - Watch your mouth, little girl! I ain't done nothin'! You're wasting your time, yo! Shit! Ah! What are you smiling about? Just thinkin' about when I first got here and all the shit that you put me through.
But now look, I'm at the big girls' table.
Chapman and Reznikov sit here.
And Norma.
So, you're enjoying this, hmm? Soaking in it like a bubble bath.
What's not to like? Last few days, I'm a Gambino up in here.
Yes, I have noticed that you talk with your hands more lately.
What should I cook for your funeral? Pasta.
You know, if I wanted to eat a giant harsh-mellow, I'd be hanging out with Vause right now.
You get some power in here, they come gunning for you, darling.
Trust me.
Especially when they ask for their pay and you don't have it.
But they're scared of me.
That's my protective coating.
I cold-heartedly fed my own paramour to the wolves.
She was a rebound, and you retaliated against her after she stole your money.
So, what I learned from that is, don't give Chapman the chance to retaliate.
Take her out first.
Come on, now you're just tryin' to scare me.
I'm Do you think that I should get a shiv? What, so they can take it away from you and stab you in the throat? No, listen.
Have you ever seen the president anywhere without an armored car and a bunch of commandos in suits? No, because without them, he is still a Poindexter with skinny legs.
Like you.
So, you're saying I need to develop kind of like a mystique? You need them to think you're stronger than you actually are.
That's what you do.
Me? Oh, no.
My power is no illusion.
I can fucking demolish you.
Norma, you are a deadly force.
Where's my shit? All the stuff I had on the window? Well, you like the floor so much, I put it down there.
I lost the space on top of my locker, so I had to make it up.
That's not my problem, and this half of the window is my half.
You on the east side of the cubicle.
This part belongs to the west bunk! How you even know what's east and west up in here? When you pray to Mecca five times a day, you figure that shit out! Bottom line, I got way more things than you.
Fair is fair.
"Fair"? Well, by "fair," I actually mean, "I'm bigger and stronger, and I got more friends.
" It's from the Latin word "fairay," meaning, "Go suck a fart five times a day.
" You really wanna go there with me? Oh, went there, bought a house, moved in, bitch.
And now I'm remodeling the kitchen.
That's what I thought.
Hey.
Hi.
Welcome.
Twenty-two Did I do something to hurt you in a previous life? I'm just stretching.
I didn't think you'd feel it.
Well, I do.
So, knock it off.
You got a lot of anger, Chapman.
Come on, get up.
I don't know about you, kid, but I'm not seein' it.
What exactly are you supposed to be seein'? Her limping around or somethin'? Let's just say that when you were violated you went through a significant dip in morale.
Well, maybe she's just covering it up, you know, like turn that rape upside down or whatever.
Or maybe there's nothing to cover.
I mean, it's only been a couple of days.
Maybe he's gotta warm up to it.
- I don't - No, no.
- No.
- Oh, shit! - See, I knew it.
- Oh, fuckin' asshole! No, don't cry.
- Stop! I'm just kidding! - You're a dick! He's still a fucking asshole.
I mean, everyone tells you it's gonna be completely different, but you don't really understand until you hear the words "husband and wife.
" And then, it's just like I mean, you were like Dorothy, you know, walking out the door of your house, and there's all those little midgets, and they're just givin' you candy.
You know what I mean? Sure.
For instance, for breakfast, he had eggs.
Don't ask me how I know that.
I just know.
I mean, the connection is so deep, it's like I'm inside his head.
It's spiritual.
I mean, this is the kinda connection you have with someone when they 100%, completely and utterly, belong to you forever and ever and ever, and you pretty much got their doinker locked up in a little box until the day that he dies.
Amazing, right? Hey.
You know, I know you're single, and you're probably jealous about everything, but I was thinking, seeing how we're friends, maybe you could just push through that and be a little happy for me.
Sorry.
Okay.
So what's his favorite color? Why you gotta be like that? What? - Hey, Vause.
- Oh, shit.
What's new? - How many fucking trays can there be? - Whoa! It was bad enough before these fucking plantain-eating Dominican bitches came.
- Everyone's gotta eat.
- They're fucking everywhere! They're taking over the TVs, blocking the bathrooms, and commissary's all out of VapoRub.
Like, no offense, but it's the truth.
You see what I'm talking about? Just leave her alone, okay? She tried to do the right thing.
Her baby got snatched up, and Being sad made her racist? She ain't racist.
She's just saying racist things.
See? How are you okay with this? Besides, we're Puerto Rican.
- We're supposed to give you shit.
- Ah.
And Puerto Ricans are not the one clogging the drain in the Spanish bathroom - with all that kinky hair.
- Oh! That would be the Dumb-inicans.
Am I right? Dumb-in-a-can.
Not you guys.
You guys are cool.
Fuck you, Bacardi bitches.
Ah! Hey.
I got something that's yours.
Shit.
It wasn't up my cooch or nothing.
I threw it in my window.
You were running past my house.
Thank you.
I guess you owe me big time now, huh? Oh, you think you could get it back just like that, after what I went through? That cop was fucking handsy.
Fight me for it.
Come on, fight me for your shit.
Come on.
Pussy.
Oh, shit! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I'm sorry! Oh, damn.
Like, you're a boxer.
I thought you would block me.
I mean, the good thing is, he always looked out for me, you know, made sure I went to school and everything.
I'm thinking about being a dental hygienist.
It's not sexy or nothing, but I could help people smile, you know? Get the yellow off, give them some confidence.
And I don't get grossed out easy.
How about you? - I got plans.
- Oh, yeah? What are they? Convenience stores, like gas stations.
Okay.
You don't talk much, do you? When I was little, in Texas, we used to move a lot so my dad could work.
Sometimes we was driving all night.
I hated moving.
I never knew where we were gonna sleep, or if the beds were gonna be clean, or stains on the toilet or whatever.
But when they pulled over to get gas, they'd let me go inside the store to get a piece of candy or an ice cream or something.
That made me happy.
Like, maybe life is all crazy, but at least you can get snacks, you know? How you sleeping at night, Joseph Caputo? Pretty good? - I'm sorry? - I'm Crystal Burset.
Sophia Burset's wife.
I see.
Well, I'm here to give you a chance to fix this before I call Lambda and the ACLU.
Mrs.
Burset, I empathize, I really do, but it wasn't my decision.
Oh! Well, so then, you're gonna fight this? You're gonna get her out? It was for her own protection.
She'd become violent.
- She assaulted several inmates.
- Oh, that's bullshit.
- She would never do - And yet she did.
I know her.
Do you, though? Do you? You think you understand what goes through her head in a place like this? Everybody in there is doing things they don't wanna do, every single day, things they're not proud of.
Whatever it takes to keep your head above water.
Do you believe in God, Mr.
Caputo? You believe there's a judge between right and wrong? I'm sorry, but I don't have time to discuss this.
I have a very important meeting.
Rosa snored, didn't she? Like a spoon in the garbage disposal.
So, what did you do about it? Mostly, I just waited for her to die of cancer.
Interesting.
Red! No.
But she'd be so quiet if she were dead.
Does Dwight sleep on her back? Like a starfish in the sun.
There was this nun from Saint Mary's, Sister Alphonso, she snored like the Second Coming.
You could hear her from the chapel.
I sewed tennis balls to the back of her nightgown so she couldn't roll that way.
And that worked? Not really.
It turns out she liked to sleep naked.
Hmm.
It's pretty terrible, huh? Yeah, it's not great, but my people eat poi, so Oh, sure.
- That was a joke.
- Sorry.
Listen, I just came over here to bury the hatchet.
I'm sorry I've been such a crank.
It's just that all these new people, it's a big adjustment.
Okay.
What you may not know is, I happen to be kind of a big deal around here.
I own a small business that pays my employees actual money in return for a very small personal investment, and I thought maybe I could interest you in an employment opportunity.
I'm not wearing no g-string, butt-floss underwear.
And I respect that choice.
Here's what I'm thinking.
Italian.
By the time I get out of here, I am gonna be fluent, and I am headed straight to Florence.
Firenze.
Eat, pray, and mingle limbs with some Italian con grande pene.
I'm uncomfortable with this whole situation.
The Florence situation? Or the big sausage? Oh, hey, maybe I should go to Bologna instead.
See, this is exactly Okay, I was living a regular prison life in my regular prison bunk, and now I'm the one percent.
Everyone else is living on top of each other like Petco budgies.
This is not fair.
I was a hippie once.
I outgrew it.
You know, but I still do miss that rickrack edging on blouses and skirts.
Boy, I did love me some rickrack.
I wonder if it's ever gonna come back? Healy said you specifically requested a white roommate of the non-threatening variety.
Well, I know that yoga makes you super flexible, but maybe you could just ease your butt off your shoulders a bit.
I cannot be the only one who's ever noticed that Counselor Healy is a bit of a moron.
You are not.
Hmm.
Now, look, I know I'm a little bit famous outside of here.
The powers-that-be made a fuss and made some assumptions, but I didn't ask for this.
You didn't turn it down.
Well, I'm not gonna pitch a fit for my own discomfort.
Lord, call me crazy, but I have learned, if someone is offering you something nice, you shut up and say "thank you.
" You can't shut up and say "thank you" at the same time.
The two things negate one another.
Oh, a dog with a bone, huh? It's the principle of it.
But you're probably used to having your asshole polished by everyone you meet.
Oh, maybe 80%, 85%.
Well, you sure make jokes.
Hmm, how about the one about the criminal who got rich by making TV-watching saps think they need an immersion blender to feel good about themselves? Now, there's a good one.
You know what I think? I think that you secretly love being in this room, away from all the others.
You think it's nice.
And that's throwing all the crunchy parts of you into quite a tizzy.
Just because we live together doesn't mean we have to talk.
That seems perfectly fair.
It's herbal.
Mmm.
God damn it.
Sounds like we've had some glitches down at Litchfield.
Glitchfield.
I'm not gonna pretend it's been smooth sailing.
We've had big problems, mostly due to the guards walking out, which, if you remember, I warned as a possible reaction - to the cut in benefits and hours.
- But it's all under control now? No more impromptu swimming lessons? Yes No, of course not.
I know what I'm doing.
Well, good, because our contract with the feds is giving us 30 grand per head in a bed.
We can't fuck up this gorgeous deal dear Uncle Sam has gifted us.
Well, then, we need to solve our security problem.
I've got guards from Max covering for right now, but that's just temporary.
I need quality COs.
I need guys with experience.
We could pay a bit more, now that we've got all those beds.
Hmm.
Quality COs.
How, how, how? Veterans.
The government gives tax credits to companies that hire vets.
You get more money the longer the vet's been out of work.
We looked into putting that into play at our offices, but, you know, veterans Right, but if we hire them as guards, if anything ever happened, well, they're already in prison, so And how much is this credit? I think it's five or six thousand if the guy's been unemployed for a year.
And it is double that if they're on crutches or in a wheelchair, or something like that, so That might make the guard less effective.
Oh, yeah, there is that.
But I think it's a great idea, hiring vets.
- I could use some guys with discipline.
- Mmm.
Problem is getting them to Litchfield.
Our, um, our shareholders demand an aggressive cap on wages, so We would need some other kind of incentive, like Free haircuts, like at Google.
Housing.
What if we can provide free housing on campus? I don't know if that would be cost-effective.
It's already there.
We got a bunch of cabins by the lake.
A good coat of paint Inmate labor is free.
This is a brilliant idea, Joe, really.
- Thanks to you, Linda.
- No, thanks to you.
No, this is you.
- All right.
- I guess both of us.
Nice work, Joe and Linda.
Let's take ten.
What do we got, uh, sandwiches? Sandwiches.
- Do you wanna - Yeah, let's go.
- Yeah.
- After you.
Oh, thank you.
Jasmina, slow down.
What are you saying? Man, a thousand new inmates, and the only Mexicans are campesinos from Fresno.
What do you care? You don't even like other Mexicans.
Been thinking about my ma, you know? Yeah.
How's she doing? So, if I'm looking for something positive let's just say, I probably don't gotta get her nothing for Christmas.
If I hadn't buried my feelings so deep that they only come up when I watch Stepmom, I would totally be tearing up right now.
- I know.
- I'm sorry.
Hey, buddy.
Can I help you? I was just seeing how you're doing, you know, making sure everything's all right regarding the van or whatever.
Look, it ain't my fault I got your job, okay? I got assigned.
I didn't even ask for it, so That's cool, that's cool.
Okay.
So, you seen the ducks? What? You know, some people can be sleep-walking, they don't even know it.
No.
What I'm trying to say is, did you get the ice cream? You know what I mean? Aw, it's her brain.
She must've, like, broke it in half when she drove into that wall.
So, you like ducks? No.
Not anymore.
Excuse me.
Oh, my God.
Oh, look, it's my favorite soccer fan.
Up yours, asshole.
Whoa! Are you serious? I'm enjoying the one time in my day when there's less than ten fucking brown bitches in my way.
Hey, maybe they're having a housekeeping convention in C-Dorm.
You jokers are wasting my life.
Hey, we're in America, chalupa.
Speak English.
Your country's turning brown.
There's more of us every day, fucking pendeja, and there's fucking nothing you can do about it! Oh! Ruiz! Ahh! Shit.
You just stand there watching, eh? You get a good view? Hey, don't worry about her.
Listen, who did this to you? That white girl from the TV room.
No.
This is not how we play this.
You're pissed right now.
You ain't thinking.
That's how you make mistakes.
What you gonna do, start some kinda brawl? Get your asses thrown into Seg? Then who wins? So, we just let that bitch get away? That ain't what I said.
Are you pissed at me about something and you're taking it out on me? - This ain't about you.
- Oh, like hell it ain't! I put food in your mouth, I take you to school, I give you a piece of whatever I got.
Well, that don't mean I gotta be your little robot.
I got a brain.
Is that what that cabrón is telling you? Hmm? Whispering in your ear, trying to steal you from your house, your father's house? - No, he ain't done nothing to you! - Why do you think we ain't got money? - Ugh.
- Huh? They've driven me off my own corners, those fucking roaches.
They're breaking my back.
You understand that? - They took everything.
- I'm so tired of this shit.
He's just trying to make a living, same as you.
- My baby girl is taking cholo dick.
- Yo, stop it.
I have given my life to this organization, to look out for our people, our identity! You know what? Fuck you! Fuck you, fuck the DR, fuck your stupid fucking bullshit about, "We're so much better," when you're doing the same exact thing! If this is what it means to be Dominican then I ain't gonna be Dominican no more.
Get out of my house.
It ain't like you only got one soulmate.
You could have a soul connection with lots of people.
Well, so then, why haven't I vibed with someone already? You know, someone who's not gingerbread in the head? I've been alive as long as I can remember.
You know, maybe you the exception prove the rule, and you only got one.
One? But you got a soul mate somewhere in the world.
I promise.
I hope she speaks English.
Oh, hello! Looks like somebody lost track of their beverage! Ooh, we should act as sleuths to discover the true owner and return it.
You know, demonstrate that there's still some some good in the world.
I see where you're going with that, and I like it.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Definitely has a lot of upside.
But on the other hand Oh We could've been sleuthing.
Oh, it's on now.
They got him on conspiracy.
Plus two counts assaulting an officer.
He's gonna be old when he gets out.
What am I gonna do? You're gonna be strong like you always was.
'Cause you had to.
What am I gonna do? There's the two of us still.
Two heads together.
Stop crying.
Remember? Crying makes you ugly and weak.
We got each other.
Ow.
Jesus, Dwight! I'm okay.
I think I should go to medical.
Oh.
I should come with you.
What the fuck? Get off me, man! It looks amazing on you.
You say that to everybody.
It's true, I do.
But this time, I really mean it.
I also say that to everyone.
- How much is it? - It's actually on sale.
Only $1,100.
Mmm-hmm.
I'll take it.
Oh, yay.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
What the heck happened to them? I don't know, man.
There's too many people in here.
Everybody getting on each other's nerves, shit's gonna get stirred.
It's like when the poultry people just stick all the chickens into one cage and they start pecking chunks out of each other.
Yeah, basically.
Oh, man.
You know, mainly, I was just experiencing this whole overcrowding thing as, like, annoying, but I guess it could be dangerous, too.
Oh! It could.
It could be really dangerous.
That's why you're really lucky, 'cause I'm looking out for you.
You know, you're, like, one of maybe four people in this prison who actually might be smaller than I am.
Okay, okay, but but I got heart, right? Uh, well, you could use biceps.
Shit, man.
No, I'm kidding.
I'd take heart any day.
Good, 'cause that's all I got.
Go grab me some lunch.
- Go get it yourself.
- You're supposed to be Secret Service.
Secret Service doesn't serve lunch.
Well, maybe they would if they weren't so busy plowing Colombian hookers.
Save me my seat.
Someone's still got twos? Yo, stop talking the board.
Shit.
Capicúa, bitches.
Shit, yo.
What I tell you? I'm unbeatable.
I'm sorry, man.
Shit! - Damn! - Stay put.
- What? What? - Always.
Let's see how we do together.
Okay.
Fuck! - Seriously? - What you want me to do? It's like a fucking carnaval out there.
That don't mean we gotta behave like animals.
You think animals got oral hygiene? I hate everybody.
We ain't gonna let this take us down.
You hear me? - We're gonna fight it.
- Are you stupid? Kids that go into the system is like flushin' a goldfish down the toilet.
They don't swim back up.
Well, I've had more than my share of toilets reversing their shit and piss and dead goldfish all over my bathroom floor.
I got you back, didn't I? You got lucky once because the caseworker died, and the temp spiked her Big Gulp with vodka.
But now, we don't know the caseworker.
We're in jail.
How do you think this plays? You know, if fucking Bennett wouldn't have lost his balls This is your fault.
You just had to, huh? Snatch my baby from a lady that would've bought her organic, and piano lessons, and toys made out of wood.
Listen, Cesar's gonna get out, and he's gonna fix this.
- He punched two cops.
- Please.
I seen him beat a murder rap where they found the gun in his pants.
His sharky cousin, Duardo, got a Jew who reps everyone in the game.
Cesar will be back on the street in like a week, I'm telling you.
Cool.
I guess I don't have nothin' to worry about.
I'm not saying it's gonna be easy.
I'm saying we still got cards.
We're alive.
And don't kid yourself.
Babies hate wood toys.
They don't make noise or nothing.
That's some yuppie bullshit.
- Morning.
- Dwight.
I'm glad you're here.
Turns out we, but mostly you, have a very big problem.
Oh, good gobsmackers, I did it again last night, didn't I? If you mean your impression of a sack of marbles being dumped in a dryer, then, yes, you did it.
For six fucking hours straight.
I am so sorry, Mrs.
Reznikov.
Ugh, this is so embarrassing.
It's my greatest affliction.
Mmm, I'm gonna say you weren't the afflicted one last night, no? You were asleep.
I know, I know.
But you have no idea.
I've tried everything.
Those sticky strips for your nose? Yes, but those don't work for me because the problem isn't my nose.
It's my uvula.
I have an abnormally large uvula.
Of course you do.
Larry snored.
I used to stick books under the top of his side of the mattress so his head would stay elevated.
- And that worked? - Not really.
But half an Ativan did.
It knocked me right out.
And if I was asleep first, it didn't bother me.
I guess that's not helpful in this situation.
That's not happening.
Today or any other day.
It's just until it dries.
It's just until No! Mi casa is not su casa, comprende? I mean, okay, but when it starts to grow mildew, we're both gonna smell it.
You gotta think globally.
- You have one hour.
- Let's see how it goes.
I mean, it's a little humid, you know? Yep.
Uh, nope.
Error.
Your shoes can't go on that floor, scarfy.
They're shoes.
I'm aware, but you live on the top bunk.
The floor is a part of the bottom bunks.
Count time, ladies.
Let's move it! So, I'm supposed to, what, hang shit off the ceiling? You free to do whatever you want with the ceiling.
That ain't a way to live.
Look, all I'm sayin' is, before y'all got here, this floor was bottom-bunk property.
Now, you showin' your face don't change the rules.
I don't care how much your mama loves you.
Um, excuse me, sir, is it okay if I keep my shoes on the floor? Sure.
Okay, okay, that's how you want it? You and Tova got beef now.
First of all, your name ain't Tova.
I'm sorry? Black people been naming their kids some crazy shit, but Tova ain't on the list.
Unless the "V" is, like, a five or somethin'.
It's Hebrew.
Please, you ain't no Jew.
You wanna say that again, bitch? Like you was born in Karachi.
Okay, that's it for count.
Remember, we have a meeting in the chapel in five minutes.
Everyone should be walking.
Even you, puffy head.
There's so many Mexicans now.
It's like a Home Depot parkin' lot in here.
Dominicans.
If you're gonna be racist, you gotta be accurate, or you just look dumb.
Is Dominicans the ones that wear gold chains and smoke cigars - and swim to Florida? - No.
Is it the coffee and the coke and the "Hips Don't Lie"? No, they talk a lot and play baseball, and they're always like, "I'm super not black," even though Haiti is the exact same island.
That's right.
Yeah, I hate them.
Caputo! Morning, ladies.
For those of you who don't know, I am Mr.
Caputo, and I am the Director of Human Activity here at Litchfield.
This is CO Piscatella.
I have asked him to stay on here at camp as our new Captain of the Guards.
It's my old job.
- Judy King! - Judy! So things have gotten a little crowded around here, huh? We at MCC are aware that new situations can be trying for you ladies.
So we called this meeting to let you know of the measures we're taking for your comfort and safety.
For instance, porta-potties have been installed out in the yard to take some of the strain from the bathrooms.
We gotta shit outside now? Side note, porta-potty maintenance will be an additional responsibility for our janitorial jobs crew.
- Hell, no! - Yes! We gonna get jobs? Job assignments for new inmates is still under review.
We'll get to that at a future time.
MCC realizes it can be challenging living with this many people.
But we thought ahead.
And today, on your way out, each of you will receive a free pair of earplugs.
- You're kidding me, right? - Oh, man! Judy King! You just pop these babies in, lie back in your bunk, and it's like you're on a desert island.
Where is Sophia Burset? Where is she? That's some bullshit, Caputo.
We also have a plan in place for stress management in these transitional times.
Breathing exercises.
Calm you right down.
CO Piscatella, please.
Okay, so we are going to inhale on a count of five, hold it for five, then exhale on a count of five, okay? Repeat after me.
- Jesus Christ! - Whoa! He couldn't have passed out the earplugs first? I'm sorry, did that sound in any way optional? Because it could save your life one day.
Now inhale! Our lives are about to change, Ruiz.
About to? Somebody already stole my shower shoes.
Look around you, dumbass.
Don't you get it? - What? - We're the majority now.
Whoo.
The Colombian cartels their time is over! Now, it's the Mexicans moving powder up I-90 and deliverin' it to our neighborhoods, like the fuckin' UPS guy! They don't care about us, they don't care about our family, they don't care about our heritage.
They're all about the money.
We're all about love! Homeland forever! That's why we're gonna destroy 'em.
These cundangos think they're gonna run our city? Well, guess what.
El Chapo's in jail, but El León is still here! Dominican forever! Homeland forever! Now, for the real reason we're here.
To say happy birthday to my baby girl, Maria! Come on, Maria! See, princess? This is all for you.
Everybody came out tonight for you.
- My cake.
- That's your cake! What's that, honey? What's it say there? - Maria! - Who's that? - Me.
- That's you! That's right! Happy birthday.
Give Daddy a kiss.
Arlenis, still the hottest girl at the party.
Shut your lying mouth.
Happy birthday.
I made my special quipes for you.
No.
Put that away.
What are you doing? It's a party.
Take it.
For your son's leg.
Surgery is expensive.
Gracias, León.
We take care of our people.
What do you say, baby? Homeland forever! Yes! You know, you're captain now.
You can take off that uniform, put on a suit.
I prefer the uniform, sir.
It keeps me action-ready.
- Healy? - Yes, sir? Boss-man, sir.
Listen, I put Judy King in room four.
Everybody who used to be in room four, I moved into room five.
You gave her a private room? No, that would be special treatment.
I've given her a business class room.
By herself? No, we're giving her a roommate, like everyone else who's Like everyone else who has 39 roommates, but that's on an average.
Why are you riding me on this one? HQ has got its twat in a knot over this.
Public relations, yada yada.
We gotta keep her happy.
You do understand the business that we're doing here? Yes, the business I'm in charge of.
So you need to find me someone she can get along with.
- You know the ladies.
- I'm processing 80 new inmates, Joe.
I got enough on my plate here.
Well, scrape it off.
Judy King is your new main course.
Watch your attitude, Healy.
MCC, they love a recent college graduate with no salary quote.
Yes, if he goes off the pills, his balls might go back to a normal size, but so will everything else.
It'll be like 2009 all over again.
Benny? Yeah.
I'm okay.
Listen, papi, I need you to do something for me, all right? I want you to go over to Michael's and tell his mom that Sophia's in the SHU.
And she didn't do nothin' wrong.
- Oh, that ain't right.
- Come on, man.
Hey, Doggett.
I'm feeling a lot better.
- How you feelin'? - I'm okay.
- That was a gnarly seizure.
- I'm fine.
You should really make sure you're gettin' enough rest.
I read that helps.
I've been readin' up.
Yeah? Thanks, okay, for readin'.
Yeah, uh, good night's sleep, Doggett.
That'll fix you right up.
Well, ain't he thoughtful? Got a real tight ass on him, too.
Have you noticed? Reminds me of my second husband.
Mmm.
Lucky you.
Look, frankly, I don't know why Mr.
Caputo didn't leave me in my assigned bunk.
I would've been perfectly happy there.
Well, I'm sure you would've.
Although, let's admit it.
That bunk was a bit urban for you.
You mean black? Well, no, I mean, you don't wanna be the only star in the night sky.
Oh, I have no problem with black people, Mr.
Healy.
Do you? No, of course not.
They're friendly, individually.
- As a group, though - Well, I get along with everybody.
My daddy used to say, "Well, Judy will talk to a dog in a hat.
" Asians, the other way around.
Hardworking people, clean, but one-on-one, they Look, let me tell you somethin' about a roommate.
All I care is that she's clean and considerate.
Beyond that, I don't care if she comes from the moon.
But, of course, no fatties, Nebraskans or anybody with too much hair.
I understand you perfectly.
These cocolos all over the ball like it's a free sandwich.
Cocolos? For real? I bet you got cousins darker than they are, pana.
They ain't black-black.
They indigenous.
Yo, the score's been zero-zero for, like, 40 minutes! This shit is boring! It's only the most popular sport in the world, but whatever, grumpy.
It's not a sport.
It's running.
Yeah, we wanna watch the Travel Channel.
They got a show on there about hotels in Europe where they have swim-up bars.
- No.
- What? She asked nicely! And I said, "No.
" You need a replay on anything else? She ain't swimming to Euro booze no time soon anyhow.
Hey, come on.
You gonna let 'em step? Look how many there fucking are.
Come on.
Fuckin' brownies.
There ain't never just one.
Yo, Flores.
What's up with you? Everyone's already pissed at us.
You're acting like an asshole.
It's a World Cup qualifier.
Never in the history of FIFA has the Dominican Republic qualified.
Because they stink.
- So what the fuck? - It's about national pride.
Fuck national pride.
- What is the matter with you? - Their coach is from Cuba! That's not his fault.
You know it's all bullshit, right? Like, we're all the same, Cuban, Puerto Ricans.
We're all mestizos, we all eat rice and beans.
Holy shit, when people hear about this, there will be no more war.
Fuck you, Flores.
You can't even tell us apart.
You thought I was Venezuelan for, like, two months.
I've been in here three years getting ignored and shit on.
But now? No one's gonna push us around.
You hear me? - So stupid.
- I know.
All right! - Thank you.
- Come on.
They got fucking factories churning this shit out, man.
They got the whole market on lock, the whole country.
Fucking Mexicans, man.
Wait, is that your dad? It's like cumming inside of Jesus.
I'm telling you.
Pero, but for three days, I felt like I had bugs all over me.
Maria.
Maria's friend.
Que hay? - Hey.
- We gotta study.
You're not gonna introduce us? I'm Sirena.
Well, it's nice to meet you, Sirena.
You know why they call me El León? Because you made it up.
Your name is Jorge.
Our organization is called Dominican Pride.
Pride, like a herd of lions.
- Where you from? - Inwood.
- Where you really from? - San Cristóbal.
When I was like two, though.
I don't remember.
It don't matter.
You still got the blood running through your veins.
- Oh, my God! - I guess.
Pretty girl like you, we need you to have pretty babies.
You hear me? Ugh! What is your problem? Tu ta pasao! Qué? What? I'm being friendly! - Come on, let's get out of here! - What, you embarrassed now? I made you, baby girl! You got my blood and my nose.
And for that, I'm sorry, okay? Oh, my God! So, that's why you never want anyone to come over.
They all front like, "La patria," but all they really do is sell drugs and drink Presidente, then complain about, "Presidente doesn't taste the same as like back home.
" The machete thing is cool.
Why can't he just run a bodega or something? Drive a bus? Hey! Oh, shit! It's that Mexican papi chulo that hangs out next to school.
Where is it? Come on.
There's nothin'.
Yeah, because you ditched it in the alley.
We're not idiots, son.
Turn around.
Behind your back.
Hey, I'm not seein' anything.
How about our friend there? Hey, you! Where'd you come from? I was just takin' a walk.
Hands up! Against the wall! Ow! Ouch! What the Ow! Come on, man! - Anything? - Nothing but ass.
- Fuck you! - Watch your mouth, little girl! I ain't done nothin'! You're wasting your time, yo! Shit! Ah! What are you smiling about? Just thinkin' about when I first got here and all the shit that you put me through.
But now look, I'm at the big girls' table.
Chapman and Reznikov sit here.
And Norma.
So, you're enjoying this, hmm? Soaking in it like a bubble bath.
What's not to like? Last few days, I'm a Gambino up in here.
Yes, I have noticed that you talk with your hands more lately.
What should I cook for your funeral? Pasta.
You know, if I wanted to eat a giant harsh-mellow, I'd be hanging out with Vause right now.
You get some power in here, they come gunning for you, darling.
Trust me.
Especially when they ask for their pay and you don't have it.
But they're scared of me.
That's my protective coating.
I cold-heartedly fed my own paramour to the wolves.
She was a rebound, and you retaliated against her after she stole your money.
So, what I learned from that is, don't give Chapman the chance to retaliate.
Take her out first.
Come on, now you're just tryin' to scare me.
I'm Do you think that I should get a shiv? What, so they can take it away from you and stab you in the throat? No, listen.
Have you ever seen the president anywhere without an armored car and a bunch of commandos in suits? No, because without them, he is still a Poindexter with skinny legs.
Like you.
So, you're saying I need to develop kind of like a mystique? You need them to think you're stronger than you actually are.
That's what you do.
Me? Oh, no.
My power is no illusion.
I can fucking demolish you.
Norma, you are a deadly force.
Where's my shit? All the stuff I had on the window? Well, you like the floor so much, I put it down there.
I lost the space on top of my locker, so I had to make it up.
That's not my problem, and this half of the window is my half.
You on the east side of the cubicle.
This part belongs to the west bunk! How you even know what's east and west up in here? When you pray to Mecca five times a day, you figure that shit out! Bottom line, I got way more things than you.
Fair is fair.
"Fair"? Well, by "fair," I actually mean, "I'm bigger and stronger, and I got more friends.
" It's from the Latin word "fairay," meaning, "Go suck a fart five times a day.
" You really wanna go there with me? Oh, went there, bought a house, moved in, bitch.
And now I'm remodeling the kitchen.
That's what I thought.
Hey.
Hi.
Welcome.
Twenty-two Did I do something to hurt you in a previous life? I'm just stretching.
I didn't think you'd feel it.
Well, I do.
So, knock it off.
You got a lot of anger, Chapman.
Come on, get up.
I don't know about you, kid, but I'm not seein' it.
What exactly are you supposed to be seein'? Her limping around or somethin'? Let's just say that when you were violated you went through a significant dip in morale.
Well, maybe she's just covering it up, you know, like turn that rape upside down or whatever.
Or maybe there's nothing to cover.
I mean, it's only been a couple of days.
Maybe he's gotta warm up to it.
- I don't - No, no.
- No.
- Oh, shit! - See, I knew it.
- Oh, fuckin' asshole! No, don't cry.
- Stop! I'm just kidding! - You're a dick! He's still a fucking asshole.
I mean, everyone tells you it's gonna be completely different, but you don't really understand until you hear the words "husband and wife.
" And then, it's just like I mean, you were like Dorothy, you know, walking out the door of your house, and there's all those little midgets, and they're just givin' you candy.
You know what I mean? Sure.
For instance, for breakfast, he had eggs.
Don't ask me how I know that.
I just know.
I mean, the connection is so deep, it's like I'm inside his head.
It's spiritual.
I mean, this is the kinda connection you have with someone when they 100%, completely and utterly, belong to you forever and ever and ever, and you pretty much got their doinker locked up in a little box until the day that he dies.
Amazing, right? Hey.
You know, I know you're single, and you're probably jealous about everything, but I was thinking, seeing how we're friends, maybe you could just push through that and be a little happy for me.
Sorry.
Okay.
So what's his favorite color? Why you gotta be like that? What? - Hey, Vause.
- Oh, shit.
What's new? - How many fucking trays can there be? - Whoa! It was bad enough before these fucking plantain-eating Dominican bitches came.
- Everyone's gotta eat.
- They're fucking everywhere! They're taking over the TVs, blocking the bathrooms, and commissary's all out of VapoRub.
Like, no offense, but it's the truth.
You see what I'm talking about? Just leave her alone, okay? She tried to do the right thing.
Her baby got snatched up, and Being sad made her racist? She ain't racist.
She's just saying racist things.
See? How are you okay with this? Besides, we're Puerto Rican.
- We're supposed to give you shit.
- Ah.
And Puerto Ricans are not the one clogging the drain in the Spanish bathroom - with all that kinky hair.
- Oh! That would be the Dumb-inicans.
Am I right? Dumb-in-a-can.
Not you guys.
You guys are cool.
Fuck you, Bacardi bitches.
Ah! Hey.
I got something that's yours.
Shit.
It wasn't up my cooch or nothing.
I threw it in my window.
You were running past my house.
Thank you.
I guess you owe me big time now, huh? Oh, you think you could get it back just like that, after what I went through? That cop was fucking handsy.
Fight me for it.
Come on, fight me for your shit.
Come on.
Pussy.
Oh, shit! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I'm sorry! Oh, damn.
Like, you're a boxer.
I thought you would block me.
I mean, the good thing is, he always looked out for me, you know, made sure I went to school and everything.
I'm thinking about being a dental hygienist.
It's not sexy or nothing, but I could help people smile, you know? Get the yellow off, give them some confidence.
And I don't get grossed out easy.
How about you? - I got plans.
- Oh, yeah? What are they? Convenience stores, like gas stations.
Okay.
You don't talk much, do you? When I was little, in Texas, we used to move a lot so my dad could work.
Sometimes we was driving all night.
I hated moving.
I never knew where we were gonna sleep, or if the beds were gonna be clean, or stains on the toilet or whatever.
But when they pulled over to get gas, they'd let me go inside the store to get a piece of candy or an ice cream or something.
That made me happy.
Like, maybe life is all crazy, but at least you can get snacks, you know? How you sleeping at night, Joseph Caputo? Pretty good? - I'm sorry? - I'm Crystal Burset.
Sophia Burset's wife.
I see.
Well, I'm here to give you a chance to fix this before I call Lambda and the ACLU.
Mrs.
Burset, I empathize, I really do, but it wasn't my decision.
Oh! Well, so then, you're gonna fight this? You're gonna get her out? It was for her own protection.
She'd become violent.
- She assaulted several inmates.
- Oh, that's bullshit.
- She would never do - And yet she did.
I know her.
Do you, though? Do you? You think you understand what goes through her head in a place like this? Everybody in there is doing things they don't wanna do, every single day, things they're not proud of.
Whatever it takes to keep your head above water.
Do you believe in God, Mr.
Caputo? You believe there's a judge between right and wrong? I'm sorry, but I don't have time to discuss this.
I have a very important meeting.
Rosa snored, didn't she? Like a spoon in the garbage disposal.
So, what did you do about it? Mostly, I just waited for her to die of cancer.
Interesting.
Red! No.
But she'd be so quiet if she were dead.
Does Dwight sleep on her back? Like a starfish in the sun.
There was this nun from Saint Mary's, Sister Alphonso, she snored like the Second Coming.
You could hear her from the chapel.
I sewed tennis balls to the back of her nightgown so she couldn't roll that way.
And that worked? Not really.
It turns out she liked to sleep naked.
Hmm.
It's pretty terrible, huh? Yeah, it's not great, but my people eat poi, so Oh, sure.
- That was a joke.
- Sorry.
Listen, I just came over here to bury the hatchet.
I'm sorry I've been such a crank.
It's just that all these new people, it's a big adjustment.
Okay.
What you may not know is, I happen to be kind of a big deal around here.
I own a small business that pays my employees actual money in return for a very small personal investment, and I thought maybe I could interest you in an employment opportunity.
I'm not wearing no g-string, butt-floss underwear.
And I respect that choice.
Here's what I'm thinking.
Italian.
By the time I get out of here, I am gonna be fluent, and I am headed straight to Florence.
Firenze.
Eat, pray, and mingle limbs with some Italian con grande pene.
I'm uncomfortable with this whole situation.
The Florence situation? Or the big sausage? Oh, hey, maybe I should go to Bologna instead.
See, this is exactly Okay, I was living a regular prison life in my regular prison bunk, and now I'm the one percent.
Everyone else is living on top of each other like Petco budgies.
This is not fair.
I was a hippie once.
I outgrew it.
You know, but I still do miss that rickrack edging on blouses and skirts.
Boy, I did love me some rickrack.
I wonder if it's ever gonna come back? Healy said you specifically requested a white roommate of the non-threatening variety.
Well, I know that yoga makes you super flexible, but maybe you could just ease your butt off your shoulders a bit.
I cannot be the only one who's ever noticed that Counselor Healy is a bit of a moron.
You are not.
Hmm.
Now, look, I know I'm a little bit famous outside of here.
The powers-that-be made a fuss and made some assumptions, but I didn't ask for this.
You didn't turn it down.
Well, I'm not gonna pitch a fit for my own discomfort.
Lord, call me crazy, but I have learned, if someone is offering you something nice, you shut up and say "thank you.
" You can't shut up and say "thank you" at the same time.
The two things negate one another.
Oh, a dog with a bone, huh? It's the principle of it.
But you're probably used to having your asshole polished by everyone you meet.
Oh, maybe 80%, 85%.
Well, you sure make jokes.
Hmm, how about the one about the criminal who got rich by making TV-watching saps think they need an immersion blender to feel good about themselves? Now, there's a good one.
You know what I think? I think that you secretly love being in this room, away from all the others.
You think it's nice.
And that's throwing all the crunchy parts of you into quite a tizzy.
Just because we live together doesn't mean we have to talk.
That seems perfectly fair.
It's herbal.
Mmm.
God damn it.
Sounds like we've had some glitches down at Litchfield.
Glitchfield.
I'm not gonna pretend it's been smooth sailing.
We've had big problems, mostly due to the guards walking out, which, if you remember, I warned as a possible reaction - to the cut in benefits and hours.
- But it's all under control now? No more impromptu swimming lessons? Yes No, of course not.
I know what I'm doing.
Well, good, because our contract with the feds is giving us 30 grand per head in a bed.
We can't fuck up this gorgeous deal dear Uncle Sam has gifted us.
Well, then, we need to solve our security problem.
I've got guards from Max covering for right now, but that's just temporary.
I need quality COs.
I need guys with experience.
We could pay a bit more, now that we've got all those beds.
Hmm.
Quality COs.
How, how, how? Veterans.
The government gives tax credits to companies that hire vets.
You get more money the longer the vet's been out of work.
We looked into putting that into play at our offices, but, you know, veterans Right, but if we hire them as guards, if anything ever happened, well, they're already in prison, so And how much is this credit? I think it's five or six thousand if the guy's been unemployed for a year.
And it is double that if they're on crutches or in a wheelchair, or something like that, so That might make the guard less effective.
Oh, yeah, there is that.
But I think it's a great idea, hiring vets.
- I could use some guys with discipline.
- Mmm.
Problem is getting them to Litchfield.
Our, um, our shareholders demand an aggressive cap on wages, so We would need some other kind of incentive, like Free haircuts, like at Google.
Housing.
What if we can provide free housing on campus? I don't know if that would be cost-effective.
It's already there.
We got a bunch of cabins by the lake.
A good coat of paint Inmate labor is free.
This is a brilliant idea, Joe, really.
- Thanks to you, Linda.
- No, thanks to you.
No, this is you.
- All right.
- I guess both of us.
Nice work, Joe and Linda.
Let's take ten.
What do we got, uh, sandwiches? Sandwiches.
- Do you wanna - Yeah, let's go.
- Yeah.
- After you.
Oh, thank you.
Jasmina, slow down.
What are you saying? Man, a thousand new inmates, and the only Mexicans are campesinos from Fresno.
What do you care? You don't even like other Mexicans.
Been thinking about my ma, you know? Yeah.
How's she doing? So, if I'm looking for something positive let's just say, I probably don't gotta get her nothing for Christmas.
If I hadn't buried my feelings so deep that they only come up when I watch Stepmom, I would totally be tearing up right now.
- I know.
- I'm sorry.
Hey, buddy.
Can I help you? I was just seeing how you're doing, you know, making sure everything's all right regarding the van or whatever.
Look, it ain't my fault I got your job, okay? I got assigned.
I didn't even ask for it, so That's cool, that's cool.
Okay.
So, you seen the ducks? What? You know, some people can be sleep-walking, they don't even know it.
No.
What I'm trying to say is, did you get the ice cream? You know what I mean? Aw, it's her brain.
She must've, like, broke it in half when she drove into that wall.
So, you like ducks? No.
Not anymore.
Excuse me.
Oh, my God.
Oh, look, it's my favorite soccer fan.
Up yours, asshole.
Whoa! Are you serious? I'm enjoying the one time in my day when there's less than ten fucking brown bitches in my way.
Hey, maybe they're having a housekeeping convention in C-Dorm.
You jokers are wasting my life.
Hey, we're in America, chalupa.
Speak English.
Your country's turning brown.
There's more of us every day, fucking pendeja, and there's fucking nothing you can do about it! Oh! Ruiz! Ahh! Shit.
You just stand there watching, eh? You get a good view? Hey, don't worry about her.
Listen, who did this to you? That white girl from the TV room.
No.
This is not how we play this.
You're pissed right now.
You ain't thinking.
That's how you make mistakes.
What you gonna do, start some kinda brawl? Get your asses thrown into Seg? Then who wins? So, we just let that bitch get away? That ain't what I said.
Are you pissed at me about something and you're taking it out on me? - This ain't about you.
- Oh, like hell it ain't! I put food in your mouth, I take you to school, I give you a piece of whatever I got.
Well, that don't mean I gotta be your little robot.
I got a brain.
Is that what that cabrón is telling you? Hmm? Whispering in your ear, trying to steal you from your house, your father's house? - No, he ain't done nothing to you! - Why do you think we ain't got money? - Ugh.
- Huh? They've driven me off my own corners, those fucking roaches.
They're breaking my back.
You understand that? - They took everything.
- I'm so tired of this shit.
He's just trying to make a living, same as you.
- My baby girl is taking cholo dick.
- Yo, stop it.
I have given my life to this organization, to look out for our people, our identity! You know what? Fuck you! Fuck you, fuck the DR, fuck your stupid fucking bullshit about, "We're so much better," when you're doing the same exact thing! If this is what it means to be Dominican then I ain't gonna be Dominican no more.
Get out of my house.
It ain't like you only got one soulmate.
You could have a soul connection with lots of people.
Well, so then, why haven't I vibed with someone already? You know, someone who's not gingerbread in the head? I've been alive as long as I can remember.
You know, maybe you the exception prove the rule, and you only got one.
One? But you got a soul mate somewhere in the world.
I promise.
I hope she speaks English.
Oh, hello! Looks like somebody lost track of their beverage! Ooh, we should act as sleuths to discover the true owner and return it.
You know, demonstrate that there's still some some good in the world.
I see where you're going with that, and I like it.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Definitely has a lot of upside.
But on the other hand Oh We could've been sleuthing.
Oh, it's on now.
They got him on conspiracy.
Plus two counts assaulting an officer.
He's gonna be old when he gets out.
What am I gonna do? You're gonna be strong like you always was.
'Cause you had to.
What am I gonna do? There's the two of us still.
Two heads together.
Stop crying.
Remember? Crying makes you ugly and weak.
We got each other.
Ow.
Jesus, Dwight! I'm okay.
I think I should go to medical.
Oh.
I should come with you.
What the fuck? Get off me, man! It looks amazing on you.
You say that to everybody.
It's true, I do.
But this time, I really mean it.
I also say that to everyone.
- How much is it? - It's actually on sale.
Only $1,100.
Mmm-hmm.
I'll take it.
Oh, yay.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
What the heck happened to them? I don't know, man.
There's too many people in here.
Everybody getting on each other's nerves, shit's gonna get stirred.
It's like when the poultry people just stick all the chickens into one cage and they start pecking chunks out of each other.
Yeah, basically.
Oh, man.
You know, mainly, I was just experiencing this whole overcrowding thing as, like, annoying, but I guess it could be dangerous, too.
Oh! It could.
It could be really dangerous.
That's why you're really lucky, 'cause I'm looking out for you.
You know, you're, like, one of maybe four people in this prison who actually might be smaller than I am.
Okay, okay, but but I got heart, right? Uh, well, you could use biceps.
Shit, man.
No, I'm kidding.
I'd take heart any day.
Good, 'cause that's all I got.
Go grab me some lunch.
- Go get it yourself.
- You're supposed to be Secret Service.
Secret Service doesn't serve lunch.
Well, maybe they would if they weren't so busy plowing Colombian hookers.
Save me my seat.
Someone's still got twos? Yo, stop talking the board.
Shit.
Capicúa, bitches.
Shit, yo.
What I tell you? I'm unbeatable.
I'm sorry, man.
Shit! - Damn! - Stay put.
- What? What? - Always.
Let's see how we do together.
Okay.