Orange Is the New Black s05e10 Episode Script
The Reverse Midas Touch
1 White flight! Should we trip her? Nah.
Let it play out.
- What will be will be.
- So Zen.
Oh.
Fuck! I'm really off of my game today.
Anyone know if Mercury's in retrograde? I ain't buyin' the whole Counterfeit Cunt story.
Don't smell right to me.
Hands are too clean for a forger.
She'd be inky.
Or maybe she's just such a good forger, she went ahead and forged herself.
What? How's she so fast? Adrenaline and lies.
Yeah, you fully hiding, ain't you? Fuckin' thermometer planet.
Come on! One more round.
I ain't playing with you no more.
"Gyno" is a word.
It's an abbreviation of a word.
It's not a word in and of itself.
Scrabble rules.
No capitalized words, foreign words, abbreviations, or words requiring apostrophes or hyphens.
But this ain't Scrabble.
And what the fuck is X-Y-S-T? It's an ancient Greek or Roman covered portico.
- Sounds foreign to me.
- It's an architectural term.
Fine.
Forgive me for trying.
I'm getting a migraine.
I'm too baked to focus.
Well, lucky you.
Better bored down here than up there in The Purge.
So you say.
For all we know, it's a party up there.
Then go.
Nah.
It's probably The Purge.
Congratulations, Red.
You got me.
Oh, did Mommy not tell you about her secret plan? What was it again, comrade? You were gonna catfish me into a mousetrap, and then what? Stab me to death with your sharp Russian wit? You want to talk about half-baked plans? You've captured six women in a closet.
Such a big strong man.
But what about all those other little chickens out there, huh? Ready to pluck your feathers and rip off your balls? There are 20 women guarding the hostages.
Three hundred more are strolling around the hallways, hungry and bored, looking for some action.
What exactly were you thinking you'd do? You think I'm here to rescue the hostages? I've taught my guards to fend for themselves.
I'm here for you, Reznikov.
And I like an audience when I work, so I've invited your family here to watch.
Abominable snow-fuck! Girls, listen to me.
Stay calm.
I'll take care of this.
Come on.
Look, you're not a psycho.
So why don't you just go out there and rescue your people like a big, hairless hero, and then just leave us to lick our wounds.
Well, first I'm going to inflict some junkie.
And then you can lick away.
Go ahead, make all the noise you want.
No one's gonna hear you.
Motherfucker! Eleven o'clock is lights-out.
We do one last bunk check before shutting things down.
- What about reading lights? - Not allowed.
Half these animals are illiterate anyway.
Okay.
And should I make sure the inmates are in their beds? Just check the doors.
The prison's old, and they get stuck sometimes.
You take D block.
- I'll do B.
- Yes, sir.
I ain't going nowhere.
Oh, shit! Out of bounds, inmate.
That's a shot.
Don't worry.
No one saw.
What's your name, inmate? Wes Driscoll.
- Fool.
- What was that? Four, down, "Fool.
" Insubordination.
That's another shot.
No, your crossword puzzle.
"Falstaff, Puck, or Bottom.
" Bottom? Yeah.
It's from A Midsummer Night's Dream.
I didn't know it either, but I I looked it up.
It feels like it's there, but then it's not there.
My grandpa lost part of his right leg in Vietnam, and he totally felt like it was still there, too.
But it wasn't a problem.
Except for when he tried to kick my grandma.
But after a while, she'd just fake like he got her so that she wouldn't hurt his feelings.
Barbecue chip! It's just a bloody piece of human flesh with a little nail on it.
Oh, my God.
It's your fingertip! - That's my finger! - Ah! Underfunded, understaffed borderline criminal.
And worst of all, part of a cynical ploy to jam hundreds more inmates into this crumbling turd of a campus, so that MCC can scam even more taxpayer dollars.
Ooh! They never had any intention of giving these women actual life skills or just paying them, paying them for their labor.
Uh-huh.
That's right, Mr.
C.
You tell her.
Look, Joe.
You can jab your long finger all over the place.
At MCC, at me but let's be honest, shouldn't you also be pointing it at yourself? Oh, fucking spare me, Natalie.
You know a thing or two about how this prison became a fucking cesspit of corruption, don't you? From the bad plumbing to the faulty wiring, to the poor employee vetting standard, the nonexistent staff training program, and and, and, and, and The ass-tasting food.
Doctors who can't tell a pussy from a hole in the ground.
Us having to dig holes in the ground.
White COs walkin' 'round like it's Animal Farm and they the pigs.
You tell her that.
Inedible food.
Subpar health care.
- Mmm.
- Manual labor.
- Racial profiling.
- Mmm-hmm.
Indiscriminate punishment.
And guards that sit around jerking off all day.
Guards that sit around j Not doing their jobs.
And their security protocol so lax that a CO managed to waltz in here with a loaded firearm.
And who's ultimately responsible for all prison operations, including, but not limited to, inmate safety, work and recreation programs, guard training, and so forth? The warden.
And who's that, Joe? Who's the man? Come on, Mr.
C.
You got this.
Ain't that right Man, where the fuck did everyone go? It's the middle of the night.
Even rioters need to sleep sometimes.
Pee.
Now I'm free, free to pee.
Ghosts are not real.
Ghosts are not real! And clowns can't help it! They're just doing their job! My face is wrong.
My face is under the wrong.
Love the face God gave you, Suzanne.
Black is beautiful.
From your hair to your derriere, your nose to your toes.
You make all the colors pop! Wash your face, or you'll get acne.
Don't pick the acne, or you'll get scars! Your skin is beautiful.
Like walnut wood and soil.
And western coneflowers.
And old metal.
And dark maple syrup in brown jars.
But wear a hat, or else your skin will get darker.
And always, always moisturize! Suzanne? I need to moisturize.
It's very important.
Maureen, do you have moisturizer? Please.
Oh, no good.
No good.
But don't worry.
Your face is under there.
Oh! And it's beautiful.
I know you don't see it right now, but you will one day.
It feels hot.
I think it's time to ask for help, 'cause sometimes you need help and it's okay to ask.
All I need is a poultice of bergamot and camphor and the muddled eyelash of a virgin No.
No.
Medical.
We are going to Medical.
The grown-ups have to help us now.
You're the hardest-working pair of bitches ever step foot in this prison, you know that? Thirty-two hour shift? No breaks? I'm impressed.
We took a break for that Pennsatucky trial thing.
And the coffee shop, but that was work.
Entertaining is work.
Latina Fey over here.
Nah, man.
She only do that one dumbass Alaska lady with the fucked-up-ass kids.
Yeah, I got more range than that.
I'm like Kate McKinnon.
Kate Dominican-on.
Yo, you better than that.
What the fuck? Did that coffee shop even happen? Seemed forever ago.
You don't even remember what's, uh, real or fake anymore.
You both need a break.
Nah, we stayin' right here.
Not takin' our eyes off of them till negotiation's all wrapped up.
Mmm.
Now Daya turned herself in should be any day now.
All right, listen, though.
Come on, for real.
If this is gonna go on for a few more days, you girls got to get some rest.
The human body um, starts shutting down after 31 hours without sleep, did you know that? No way.
Like what? When was the last time you took a piss? Oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the kidneys shuttin' down.
Shit.
What? Uh, well, maybe a quick power nap? Go.
I got it covered.
Go get some sleep.
Maybe somewhere else.
You know, in one of the rooms.
Privacy.
Shut out the noise, the lights.
Huh? They got double mattresses in there.
Yeah? All right.
Only for a little, though, all right? You know, so we can come back fresh.
Of course.
Sweet dreams, right? Yeah.
Try to pee.
Enough cayenne here to survive an apocalypse or two.
Keeps cats away if you sprinkle it on the ground.
You know something we don't? Are the Martians comin'? Ladies, please, back off my shit! Everything has a place.
I mean, it's good to be prepared for anything, but this is, like, Hitler-level preparation.
- No offense.
- None taken.
The man was prepared.
Who's Bone? Stop mucking around.
Bone a big fella? Bone is short for Skin and Bones.
He was a kid who volunteered here back in the '70s.
He ran the swim fitness program.
But then they drained the pool, and that was that.
How come he sent you a postcard from Guatemala in '82? Why did he sign it, "Love"? Dang.
Who wants to go spelunking? Is this dynamite? I wouldn't mind a roll in the hay with this one.
Okay! Enough! Everybody, sit down! No more touching what ain't yours to touch.
Bunch of careless stoners! You are guests in my home! Don't make me trigger the booby traps.
You're pathetic.
You know that? What happened to you that you're like this, Piscatella? Huh? What? Were you, uh, a pet-killing scourge of the cul-de-sac? Or was it more of a Drama of the Gifted Child situation? Huh? Did Papa Piscatella rage on you for being "Little Desi the queer"? Watch closely, Nichols, 'cause you're gonna be contestant number two.
Come on, man.
I genuinely would love to understand how it is that a man gets to be this fucked up! Come on! What's the original narcissistic wound? Nicky, stop.
He doesn't speak human.
Now that is right, Stalina.
Because I discovered a long time ago that actions speak a whole lot louder than words.
Inmates will always try to cheat, manipulate or deceive you.
There must be consequences.
Stop it! Fucking stop it! The fuck is wrong with you? Did you guys hear something? Riots are noisy.
Stop it.
No.
Go right ahead.
Do whatever you want, but let them go.
You don't really want witnesses.
Oh, but, see, that's the whole point.
I want everyone as a witness when I tear off that mama bear costume you strut around in so proud.
What are you doing? I'm showing your family who you really are.
Fucking You're a vain weak pathetic frail old jailbird.
You can dye your hair, paint your face but it doesn't change the truth underneath.
Here's your fearless leader, inmates.
Look! Ow! Look long and hard at what prison does to a person! I swear, I'll kill you! Oye, Rosado Look at this fuck.
Light in his loafers, this one.
Get the fuck out of here, man.
Goliath ain't light in nothin'.
I'm telling you, he a fuckin' fruit cocktail.
Well, faggot or no It's time he learn who really runs shit 'round here.
Excuse me.
Listen up, inmates! Work detail's cut short today because there's a health inspection, so you'll return to your cells at the top of the hour.
And, no, you will not be paid for the lost time.
Quit the bitching, please.
Try to remember, you are federal inmates, not line cooks at Applebee's.
Now there's a new shipment of produce out on the loading dock that is not gonna move itself.
Rosado, Hernandez, bring the boxes back in, and you're done for the day.
CO Samuelson will escort you back to your block.
You guys should go along, too.
There's a lot to carry.
All hands on deck.
As they say.
Driscoll! What is this swill? Goulash.
What the fuck did you just say to me? Sorry, sir.
It's, uh, beef stew.
Yeah.
That's what I thought.
All right.
All right now.
You can cut it out, Mean Daddy.
Did I sell it? I felt like I was really selling it.
Yeah.
I mean, you're a regular Bruce Willis.
Hey, what'd you get on 18 across today? "Dancer's leader.
" I got "blank, blank, N, T, blank.
" I got "S, A, blank" Santa! - "Dancer," like the reindeer! - Nice.
Nice.
Something wrong? You seem down.
It's stupid.
Nothing that matters to you is stupid.
All right, it's not a big deal.
Rosado and his merry band of bitches swiped my radio yesterday.
I'll kill them.
No, seriously, should I kill them? - No.
Come on.
- I'll kill them.
I will kill them for you.
I brought you something.
- What? - Yeah.
What, Christmas is coming early this year, huh? It's just a little stocking stuffer.
It's, uh some chocolate for my chocolate.
It's always candy with you, huh? "My caramel swirl.
" "My mocha chip.
" No.
No, I wasn't I I love it.
And for the record, I think your sweet tooth is cute.
You my sugar daddy, huh? Huh? When I was a kid, I used to steal Toblerone triangles from my mom's PMS stash And, this one time, she caught me and she made me eat a whole jumbo bar as punishment.
Did you puke? No, I ate the whole thing, and I asked her for another.
- Insatiable appetite, huh? - Yeah.
I think that's when she gave up trying to fix me.
Thank God she did, huh? Look, you're perfect like God made you.
- You hear me? - Really? I hate this.
Having to hide.
Having to be apart.
Uh, let me show you something.
- What? - So that you're with me, always.
Forever.
Even if we're apart.
And I told O'Brien to use a brand-new needle and a fresh tin of boot wax, okay? - So Yeah.
- Good.
Yeah.
I also told him it meant "double penetration," so that he wouldn't think of nothing but the dirty picture in his mind, right? Hmmm.
Yeah, clean this clean this up! Jesus, inmate! Try not to make such a fucking mess next time! Yes, sir.
Right there is good, Rosado.
Right there! Is there a doctor in the house? We got to reattach a severed appendix! Doctor! - Oh! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! - What's wrong? - It's an emergency.
- Wait.
He is way too buff to be a doctor.
He's like one of those TV types who knows, like, all that medical mumbo jumbo, but can't find his ass with his two hands.
Quick.
Can you sew this back on? It's been detached too long.
The tissue sustained too much damage.
Also, it's covered in Cheetos dust.
And I'm a prison nurse, not a plastic surgeon.
And I've barely slept in days.
And I only took this job to earn enough to buy my own paraglider and a one-way ticket to Denali.
And now, I don't even know if I'm gonna get out of here alive.
So there's no hope? But what about a finger transplant, Doctor Samosa? Ooh.
Who would be my organ donor? - One of the skinheads maybe? - Yeah.
But you got to make sure you know what she's in for first.
'Cause you don't want to go around, like, murdering people with your murdery fingertip.
Pick, um, a meth cooker.
Oh! Or the forger lady! Like, someone with a useful skill.
Well, what about Gandhi over there? - I'll have the healing touch.
- Too brown.
But a man's finger could be nice.
I got an idea.
Come on.
Oh, no.
You're comin' with us.
So kiss a little longer Hold tight a little longer Make it last a little longer Longer with Big Red! 'Cause that Big Red freshness Lasts right through it Your fresh breath goes on and on While you chew it Say goodbye a little longer Make it last a little longer Give your breath Long-lasting freshness With Big Red - Hi.
- Hi.
Um I don't know you, but whatever's going on over there, it sounds rough, and, um I hope you're okay.
Thank you.
I was only trying to help.
Now it doesn't matter what I do, you know, no matter how hard I try to prove, or whatever You know, no one's gonna see me any different.
Feels like life's just fucking weird, you know? Yeah.
Just once we start down these these paths, it's really hard to get off of it.
You know? Yeah, I, uh empathize.
You need to look at this from a broader perspective.
There is only so much taxpayer money available.
You want to tell the kids at PS whatever that their music program's been canceled because a bunch of inmates need to cage their rage with arts and crafts? This is not about resource allocation, it's about priorities.
Is the goal to rehabilitate these women, or line the pockets of MCC's shareholders? Who gives a shit about MCC? You are arguing with the wrong bogeyman.
I represent the governor, and his priority is that we end this ASAP.
Well, it's my priority to make sure we do right by these women.
And why do you think I'm here, Joe? To have a threesome with you and that lunatic who ran in here before? I gave years of my life to this place.
I know I took my share, but maybe that's why I'm here, pulling an all-nighter in this raging dumpster fire, trying to resolve this peacefully.
So come on.
Meet me halfway.
You're not going to reinvent the prison-industrial complex in your shit-stained boxers.
The system is broken.
And how'd it get to be that way, huh? You think a toothy middle manager with holes in her pocket had something to do with that? Well, a petty bureaucrat who needs constant stroking didn't exactly move it along.
Well, at least I tried, Natalie.
- If you hadn't come before me - Once.
- And even then, it was a photo finish.
- Nice.
Real nice.
You woke us up for this shit? This is a disaster.
Yeah, this is not a healthy relationship right here.
I think it's kinda hot, actually.
So angry and sweaty.
Like they wanna fuck each other to death.
We ain't never gonna get to Bayley with this shit.
Not a single new demand has even been agreed on since they started scrappin'.
Man, I keep tellin' you, T, white people mess up everything.
Mmm-hmm.
Twerking, cornrows, Africa the White House.
She got a point.
Face it, Joe.
You fucked this up.
And I don't think it's the first time you've heard that, is it? It's kind of like you have the reverse Midas touch.
Everything you put your hands on turns to shit.
Hmm.
Now, what's that make you, sweetheart? Yo, what the fuck is goin' on? Y'all supposed to be negotiatin'.
I don't know what kinda pervy pillow talk this is, but cut it the fuck out! We got important business to take care of, and it's two o'clock in the goddamn morning, so sit down! Coming up in this hour date night with the newly-exonerated "Cannibal Cop," an update from the standoff at Litchfield Penitentiary, and a sneak peek at the surprising accessory "It Girls" will be carrying next month at Fashion Week.
Turn that shit off, man.
It's making my eyes bleed.
Well, ain't you perfectly prepared, then.
Look, let me help you.
It's dogs.
The new accessory is dogs.
How you know that? 'Cause crazy bitches are always looking for ways to carry their fucking dogs around with them.
My sister keeps her pet Chihuahua, Hannibal, in her shirt pocket.
I can't get enough of this 24 hour news, man.
They never stop talking, even when there's nothing left to talk about.
It's like I don't gotta think about my own life, long as I'm doing this.
Like, I'm addicted.
Sounds like blanco.
More like that fake shit, Methadose.
All the hook, none of the high.
I guess that's why they call it an opiate for the masochists.
Yo, turn that shit up.
They're talking about us now.
- Come on.
- These things never end well.
When it comes to casualties, it isn't a question of "if," it's a question of "how many.
" Attica had 43.
New Mexico, 33 plus another 100 injured.
And then there was Huntsville, 1974.
That was one of the longest prison standoffs in history.
As the inmates grew weary, three hostages managed to get free.
One had a heart attack and was let out.
Another faked a heart attack.
The third made a run for it through the glass doors.
That one culminated in an escape attempt that the press dubbed the "Trojan Taco.
" Man, fuck my kidneys.
We can't let those bitches make off in no condom taco.
Yo, you coming? Nah, I wanna hear more about this Cannibal Cop.
Well, of course, it was a suicide mission.
All of the inmates ended up dead, either by killing themselves, in the ensuing gunfire, or later, through the death penalty.
I suppose that's the big takeaway from this, that the inmates guarding the hostages almost never survive.
Tough stuff.
Up next, is that a poochie in your Gucci? What did you think would happen, Red? You'd get out of here someday? Pick up where you left off with your little mafia friends? Be honest.
Is there anything even out there for you? What are you doing? How did you get that off? I'm good with my tongue.
Help! That really sounded like a cry for help.
Wonder where Red is.
She could make a real feast out of what you've got here.
Oh, I'd love a hot meal.
I sent her an invitation, but apparently she had something better to do.
She probably has half the prison under her command.
Here.
How about some toasted Fruit Brute? Help! I think we should investigate.
I thought we were staying out of this.
I definitely think we should investigate.
Me three.
Some people.
They can't appreciate a good thing until it's gone.
You're right.
They'll never survive up there without us.
Come on.
Help! Help! Help! I can't think.
- Help! - You shut shut your mouth.
High-pitched sound.
Fucking irritating.
Help! - Those stairs are a doozy.
- I will teach you.
- Okay.
Shut up! - Shh.
It's going to be okay.
Nice Indian man? You should be sleeping, probably.
Sleeping is very healing.
Yeah.
And when you wake up, you'll be feeling better and they'll bring you soup and pills.
Let's do the "Goodnight" book.
Um Yeah, okay.
Okay.
Good night, room.
Good night, moon.
Good night, spoon.
Good night, mean and good night, nice.
Good night, human pinky toe mice.
Good day, hospital bed! Good morning, woozy-oozy head.
- Ah.
- Oh.
Good What time is it? Good or bad white girls in the yard.
There's a dead or dying guard.
- Wait.
Wait.
- Good night.
Dead guard? Yeah.
Over in the next bed.
I have excellent peripheral vision.
Like, I'm looking at you right now, but out of the corner of my eye, I can see him being very not alive.
He's not breathing.
No.
No more being dead! Oh, sh I need to find an undoer.
Oh, God.
I need to find an eraser.
Oh! Oh! - I saw this in a movie one time.
- Suzanne.
Come on.
Come on.
I'm gonna take him to see the Wizard.
Or a witch.
Or a doctor.
Or a witch doctor.
- Oh, where are all the grown-ups? - Suzanne, wait.
Wait.
Hey, don't touch it! Anthrax! This is a women's prison.
It's more likely to have a kid's Christmas list on it than a biological weapon.
Dummy.
"Hot Cheetos.
Beyoncé.
Yearly gyno visits.
" That's one advanced kid.
Turn it over.
"Don't try anything, or we all die.
" Let's fuckin' get her.
Make it count this time.
I swear to God, if one more of these bitches tries to fuck me, I'm - Nobody wants to fuck you, asshole.
- All right, back off, boys.
Yeah, simmer down, Anthrax.
I'm gonna help you, okay? Follow me.
Come on, hurry up.
Yo, what the fuck is this? They needed a piss break.
And I couldn't say no.
One of them already peed on themself.
Fuck no! Back in the bubble, bitches.
- I gotta pee.
I gotta pee.
- I don't care.
You too lax, Mama.
Your kids must run all over you.
I thought you guys were gonna sleep, huh? Nah, man.
The TV told us that now is when we gotta step it up, so now we gonna watch 'em extra close from here on out, till this thing is done.
So they don't sneak out in no lambskin enchilada or nothin'.
You can stay with us if you want.
But you really gotta toughen up.
Yeah.
Funny thing is, is I used to love small spaces when I was a little girl.
You know, I was the kind of kid that I liked the box that fell off of the truck, and not, like, the car parts inside or the dolls and the toys.
Like, I wanted the box.
My eighth birthday, I think, I spent in the trunk of my uncle's Subaru.
I was playing cave girl, and I was so happy in there.
I mean, I could have stayed in there forever if he hadn't tried to cross state lines with a warrant out on him.
Yeah, I used to, um hide on the top shelf of the linen closet when I was a kid.
Used to make me feel safe.
Do you ever wonder how things that used to feel so good now feel so bad? I do.
I mean, it's like, this is prison, yes.
Shitty diarrhea food, nothin' to do but sit sit around and fucking wait, but like, I used to be able to get through it.
But now I can't really even get myself up and out of bed.
It's, like, there's, like, less air in here to breathe or something.
And and it used to, before, you could you could find somebody to talk to if you wanted, you know? Or or cookie's up their sleeve, and Now it's, "Fuck you, inmate.
I'mma fuckin' ruin your life just because I can.
" It's like human niceness has just gone renegade, and I don't think it's coming back anytime soon.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, me too.
'Cause the sad truth of it is, is that everybody in here is gonna be way worse than how they were when they started.
Yes.
Yeah.
You are absolutely right.
Hey maybe maybe we can help each other get out of here, you know? The fence? I wonder if the backhoe works.
Hey, come on.
We have to try, right? We can do this, like a like a team, and we could even have a special handshake or something, right? Oh.
You were the backhoe, bitch.
Stealing my friend behind my back, ho? You know, Boo was my best friend, right? Ah! You know, women gotta start being nicer to one another.
Ow.
Ow.
Ooh, what about her? Ugh! No, shallow nail beds.
Hey, Red Light Special, where you hiding? Ladies! Hey, I'm over here.
Oh, thank you, ladies.
Hi.
Hey, yeah, great to see you.
Uh, so listen, we need your help, because Leanne's finger was very rudely shot off by your colleague with the gun.
That's the Humps? - Donuts.
- Ah! Angie! God! Oh, shit.
Sorry.
I forgot.
Uh, this is Doctor McCurry.
He's going to cut off your finger and put it on Leanne.
- What? - I'm ready for the transplant, Doctor.
No, I'm I'm not okay with this.
Neither am I.
Why do you even want his finger anyway? So she can finger herself with his finger forever.
- Shut up.
- Obviously.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Uh, you you gotta know if it works, right? So why don't you take it for a test-drive before you commit? Huh? Okay, Apu.
Into the poo.
Don't go anywhere, okay? Um here's A.
I don't know.
It feels sort of numb.
B? Angie, I'm not sure if it's working.
What do you mean, you're not sure? Haven't you ever Oh, my God! You've never Maybe I have.
I don't know.
One time I peed a little, so I thought maybe If you had, you'd know.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Go back! Go back! What was that? What was that? It was W.
- Do it again.
- All right.
Do it again.
Yes.
- Yeah.
- W! W! W! - Help! - Hey, you really get off on this, don't you, you sick fuck? Red, you're beautiful.
Hair grows back.
Someone tell his face.
Ah! Thank you, asshole.
I guess not all lesbians are good with their tongue, huh? You're a real martyr, aren't you, Reznikov? No.
Oh, don't be dramatic.
I'm not gonna kill you.
I simply want your family to see you for who you really are.
To see the full Galina.
A woman's face can hide weakness.
But their bodies can't.
Yeah.
Girls, look away.
Yeah, big fucking man, beating up on an old lady.
You dirty cunt! No! Stop it! Oh, I've had enough of this insubordination! You are federal inmates, not the queen of the fucking Nile.
Now tell me what you are, so I know you understand.
You tell me! Please.
Last chance.
I hope that someone treats you the way that you are treating us, when you get locked up for assault, you piece of shit! Right.
Nice fantasy, January Jones.
In a day or two or whenever this is over, it's gonna be my word against a bunch of criminals rotting away in Max.
Who do you think they're gonna believe? I'll shove my dick back in that boca sucia qué tienes if you make a fucking sound - Hey! - Shut the fuck We was just wrestling.
You want a turn? I mean, we loosened him up real good.
Everybody knows that puto loves to fuck for cash or whatever you got laying around.
I will destroy you.
Either one of you comes towards me, I will skin you alive.
Ten-two in D block six, barbershop.
Ten-eighteen, ten-twenty, and we need a medic.
I repeat, we need a medic in D block six.
CO Samuelson, roger that.
CO Berk, roger 10-18.
- Is he breathing? - Yes.
What are you doing? Tossing the room.
Standard after a 10-2.
You hiding H in here, pretty boy? You're gonna live to regret it if you're lying to me right now.
You hear that? You're gonna live! I think we can all agree that y'all are the ones who made a mess of this place.
But can we please get back to talking about how to fix it? I don't wanna hear no more about how he done shit premature or how she like to take a bite out of crime.
And no more bullshit about bending over and taking it up the ass or any other sick business that MCC might have made y'all do for some reason.
You're absolutely right, Jefferson.
- If I could just - You could just listen is what you could just.
It's time to talk about Bayley.
I think it's time we talk about the guard that Diaz shot.
She shot the guy with his own gun that he brought in here and started waving around.
I'm sorry, but guns don't shoot people.
People shoot people.
And in this case, it's one of your people who did the shooting.
Are you negotiating for the governor, or for the NRA? Because we settled all of that.
And Diaz is gone.
Well, how do I even know if this guard is still alive? You got my word for it is how.
And we know the inmate Bayley killed is for sure dead.
Well, I would like to see this Humphrey before we press on any further.
Not that I don't trust your word.
Do you trust mine? I've seen him, Natalie.
And? Yeah, he was in some discomfort, but he's stable.
Thank you.
Okay, then.
Now should we look at demand number ten, the inmates' desire for more nutritious food? I am afraid the costs associated with Hey, don't go sinking your big teeth back into the budget bullshit, Ms.
Figueroa.
And stop yawning! We got work to do.
Now listen, I got reports right here, okay? All science and shit.
They say, "Giving inmates a balanced diet with fresh fruit and vegetables reduces the cost of health care by 30% on an annual basis.
" Those savings should be more than enough to cover the cost of a GED program.
Mmm-hmm.
Goodbye, mop that looks like Mommy.
Goodbye, slop that fills my tummy.
Goodbye, Poussey Taystee? Red balloon.
Over the moon.
Breath.
Death.
Taystee! Grace? Graystee? Aw, no, no, no! What the fuck is goin' on? - The issue is he is not breathing.
- What? And the body needs oxygen, or else the cells curl up like old leaves.
But don't jump in the leaves, because the pile might have ticks and spiders in them.
Okay.
What happened to you, Suzanne? - I need help! - Okay.
Then we got to get his cells to iron out, because But you cannot touch the iron, because it's going to burn your fingers.
You have to throw your spit at it and listen! Just the sound of the sizzle.
Huh? What are you seeing, eye-lookers? No Look, Taystee needs to see this.
- She needs to! - No, no, no, no.
- Taystee busy right now, all right? - Yeah.
I, uh think he's okay.
Look, he even smilin'.
Wait I think I hear him breathin' again.
He just needed some air, right? - Yeah.
- No, no, no, no.
- Nice job, Suzanne.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Just Here, let me let me Okay.
Let's just U-turn this and go to Medical, okay? Do a three-point turn, maybe, all right? Hey, look.
Here we go! We're going on a trip to Medical.
We're going to Medical.
We're going to Medical.
You fucking sicko psycho.
She needs medical attention.
Piper, shut up.
Don't provoke an angry bear.
Or any fuckin' bear.
Either way you get mauled.
Haven't you done enough? Just about.
What else do you want? You've put an old lady in her place.
My own daughters can't look at me without pity in their eyes.
You win.
Are you happy now? Yes I am.
It's like they taught me at Jesus camp for little homos.
"The righteous will rejoice when he sees vengeance.
He will bathe his feet in the blood of the wicked.
" Oh, I bet your feet are disgusting.
You see, this is the thing about female prisoners.
Men understand violence.
They respect it.
They're dogs.
If you beat them, they obey you.
Not women.
Women don't fear pain the way men do.
They have to be broken in other ways.
But make no mistake they have to be broken.
Many inmates have tried to make a fool of me over the years.
None have succeeded.
And none ever will.
Oh, shit! What, you gonna fuck me? Or you want me to fuck you? Yeah, we all know that's how you like it, you dinge queen.
You a fucking bucking bronco, ain't you, you motherfucker? Kiss my fucking ass, bitch! Fuck you! This is what you do to get off, Tweety Bird? By watching me sweat? Fucker! Fucker! Fucker! Oh, God! No! No! I think that's probably enough.
Come on, Desi.
We take 'em out when they start screaming.
I don't hear anything, do you? He saw me.
I know you're down here, inmate.
Oh, please, make this hard for me.
It'll give me the pleasure of wrecking you later.
Oh, you're gonna have to do better than a pushpin.
Teamwork! Ah, how do you like that, Fruit Brute? I will skin you alive.
Oleander? Nah.
Some old devil's breath Bone sent me back in the '80s.
Yeah.
We shared a love of botany, me and Bone.
And some other things.
But that's none of anyone's business.
Let it play out.
- What will be will be.
- So Zen.
Oh.
Fuck! I'm really off of my game today.
Anyone know if Mercury's in retrograde? I ain't buyin' the whole Counterfeit Cunt story.
Don't smell right to me.
Hands are too clean for a forger.
She'd be inky.
Or maybe she's just such a good forger, she went ahead and forged herself.
What? How's she so fast? Adrenaline and lies.
Yeah, you fully hiding, ain't you? Fuckin' thermometer planet.
Come on! One more round.
I ain't playing with you no more.
"Gyno" is a word.
It's an abbreviation of a word.
It's not a word in and of itself.
Scrabble rules.
No capitalized words, foreign words, abbreviations, or words requiring apostrophes or hyphens.
But this ain't Scrabble.
And what the fuck is X-Y-S-T? It's an ancient Greek or Roman covered portico.
- Sounds foreign to me.
- It's an architectural term.
Fine.
Forgive me for trying.
I'm getting a migraine.
I'm too baked to focus.
Well, lucky you.
Better bored down here than up there in The Purge.
So you say.
For all we know, it's a party up there.
Then go.
Nah.
It's probably The Purge.
Congratulations, Red.
You got me.
Oh, did Mommy not tell you about her secret plan? What was it again, comrade? You were gonna catfish me into a mousetrap, and then what? Stab me to death with your sharp Russian wit? You want to talk about half-baked plans? You've captured six women in a closet.
Such a big strong man.
But what about all those other little chickens out there, huh? Ready to pluck your feathers and rip off your balls? There are 20 women guarding the hostages.
Three hundred more are strolling around the hallways, hungry and bored, looking for some action.
What exactly were you thinking you'd do? You think I'm here to rescue the hostages? I've taught my guards to fend for themselves.
I'm here for you, Reznikov.
And I like an audience when I work, so I've invited your family here to watch.
Abominable snow-fuck! Girls, listen to me.
Stay calm.
I'll take care of this.
Come on.
Look, you're not a psycho.
So why don't you just go out there and rescue your people like a big, hairless hero, and then just leave us to lick our wounds.
Well, first I'm going to inflict some junkie.
And then you can lick away.
Go ahead, make all the noise you want.
No one's gonna hear you.
Motherfucker! Eleven o'clock is lights-out.
We do one last bunk check before shutting things down.
- What about reading lights? - Not allowed.
Half these animals are illiterate anyway.
Okay.
And should I make sure the inmates are in their beds? Just check the doors.
The prison's old, and they get stuck sometimes.
You take D block.
- I'll do B.
- Yes, sir.
I ain't going nowhere.
Oh, shit! Out of bounds, inmate.
That's a shot.
Don't worry.
No one saw.
What's your name, inmate? Wes Driscoll.
- Fool.
- What was that? Four, down, "Fool.
" Insubordination.
That's another shot.
No, your crossword puzzle.
"Falstaff, Puck, or Bottom.
" Bottom? Yeah.
It's from A Midsummer Night's Dream.
I didn't know it either, but I I looked it up.
It feels like it's there, but then it's not there.
My grandpa lost part of his right leg in Vietnam, and he totally felt like it was still there, too.
But it wasn't a problem.
Except for when he tried to kick my grandma.
But after a while, she'd just fake like he got her so that she wouldn't hurt his feelings.
Barbecue chip! It's just a bloody piece of human flesh with a little nail on it.
Oh, my God.
It's your fingertip! - That's my finger! - Ah! Underfunded, understaffed borderline criminal.
And worst of all, part of a cynical ploy to jam hundreds more inmates into this crumbling turd of a campus, so that MCC can scam even more taxpayer dollars.
Ooh! They never had any intention of giving these women actual life skills or just paying them, paying them for their labor.
Uh-huh.
That's right, Mr.
C.
You tell her.
Look, Joe.
You can jab your long finger all over the place.
At MCC, at me but let's be honest, shouldn't you also be pointing it at yourself? Oh, fucking spare me, Natalie.
You know a thing or two about how this prison became a fucking cesspit of corruption, don't you? From the bad plumbing to the faulty wiring, to the poor employee vetting standard, the nonexistent staff training program, and and, and, and, and The ass-tasting food.
Doctors who can't tell a pussy from a hole in the ground.
Us having to dig holes in the ground.
White COs walkin' 'round like it's Animal Farm and they the pigs.
You tell her that.
Inedible food.
Subpar health care.
- Mmm.
- Manual labor.
- Racial profiling.
- Mmm-hmm.
Indiscriminate punishment.
And guards that sit around jerking off all day.
Guards that sit around j Not doing their jobs.
And their security protocol so lax that a CO managed to waltz in here with a loaded firearm.
And who's ultimately responsible for all prison operations, including, but not limited to, inmate safety, work and recreation programs, guard training, and so forth? The warden.
And who's that, Joe? Who's the man? Come on, Mr.
C.
You got this.
Ain't that right Man, where the fuck did everyone go? It's the middle of the night.
Even rioters need to sleep sometimes.
Pee.
Now I'm free, free to pee.
Ghosts are not real.
Ghosts are not real! And clowns can't help it! They're just doing their job! My face is wrong.
My face is under the wrong.
Love the face God gave you, Suzanne.
Black is beautiful.
From your hair to your derriere, your nose to your toes.
You make all the colors pop! Wash your face, or you'll get acne.
Don't pick the acne, or you'll get scars! Your skin is beautiful.
Like walnut wood and soil.
And western coneflowers.
And old metal.
And dark maple syrup in brown jars.
But wear a hat, or else your skin will get darker.
And always, always moisturize! Suzanne? I need to moisturize.
It's very important.
Maureen, do you have moisturizer? Please.
Oh, no good.
No good.
But don't worry.
Your face is under there.
Oh! And it's beautiful.
I know you don't see it right now, but you will one day.
It feels hot.
I think it's time to ask for help, 'cause sometimes you need help and it's okay to ask.
All I need is a poultice of bergamot and camphor and the muddled eyelash of a virgin No.
No.
Medical.
We are going to Medical.
The grown-ups have to help us now.
You're the hardest-working pair of bitches ever step foot in this prison, you know that? Thirty-two hour shift? No breaks? I'm impressed.
We took a break for that Pennsatucky trial thing.
And the coffee shop, but that was work.
Entertaining is work.
Latina Fey over here.
Nah, man.
She only do that one dumbass Alaska lady with the fucked-up-ass kids.
Yeah, I got more range than that.
I'm like Kate McKinnon.
Kate Dominican-on.
Yo, you better than that.
What the fuck? Did that coffee shop even happen? Seemed forever ago.
You don't even remember what's, uh, real or fake anymore.
You both need a break.
Nah, we stayin' right here.
Not takin' our eyes off of them till negotiation's all wrapped up.
Mmm.
Now Daya turned herself in should be any day now.
All right, listen, though.
Come on, for real.
If this is gonna go on for a few more days, you girls got to get some rest.
The human body um, starts shutting down after 31 hours without sleep, did you know that? No way.
Like what? When was the last time you took a piss? Oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the kidneys shuttin' down.
Shit.
What? Uh, well, maybe a quick power nap? Go.
I got it covered.
Go get some sleep.
Maybe somewhere else.
You know, in one of the rooms.
Privacy.
Shut out the noise, the lights.
Huh? They got double mattresses in there.
Yeah? All right.
Only for a little, though, all right? You know, so we can come back fresh.
Of course.
Sweet dreams, right? Yeah.
Try to pee.
Enough cayenne here to survive an apocalypse or two.
Keeps cats away if you sprinkle it on the ground.
You know something we don't? Are the Martians comin'? Ladies, please, back off my shit! Everything has a place.
I mean, it's good to be prepared for anything, but this is, like, Hitler-level preparation.
- No offense.
- None taken.
The man was prepared.
Who's Bone? Stop mucking around.
Bone a big fella? Bone is short for Skin and Bones.
He was a kid who volunteered here back in the '70s.
He ran the swim fitness program.
But then they drained the pool, and that was that.
How come he sent you a postcard from Guatemala in '82? Why did he sign it, "Love"? Dang.
Who wants to go spelunking? Is this dynamite? I wouldn't mind a roll in the hay with this one.
Okay! Enough! Everybody, sit down! No more touching what ain't yours to touch.
Bunch of careless stoners! You are guests in my home! Don't make me trigger the booby traps.
You're pathetic.
You know that? What happened to you that you're like this, Piscatella? Huh? What? Were you, uh, a pet-killing scourge of the cul-de-sac? Or was it more of a Drama of the Gifted Child situation? Huh? Did Papa Piscatella rage on you for being "Little Desi the queer"? Watch closely, Nichols, 'cause you're gonna be contestant number two.
Come on, man.
I genuinely would love to understand how it is that a man gets to be this fucked up! Come on! What's the original narcissistic wound? Nicky, stop.
He doesn't speak human.
Now that is right, Stalina.
Because I discovered a long time ago that actions speak a whole lot louder than words.
Inmates will always try to cheat, manipulate or deceive you.
There must be consequences.
Stop it! Fucking stop it! The fuck is wrong with you? Did you guys hear something? Riots are noisy.
Stop it.
No.
Go right ahead.
Do whatever you want, but let them go.
You don't really want witnesses.
Oh, but, see, that's the whole point.
I want everyone as a witness when I tear off that mama bear costume you strut around in so proud.
What are you doing? I'm showing your family who you really are.
Fucking You're a vain weak pathetic frail old jailbird.
You can dye your hair, paint your face but it doesn't change the truth underneath.
Here's your fearless leader, inmates.
Look! Ow! Look long and hard at what prison does to a person! I swear, I'll kill you! Oye, Rosado Look at this fuck.
Light in his loafers, this one.
Get the fuck out of here, man.
Goliath ain't light in nothin'.
I'm telling you, he a fuckin' fruit cocktail.
Well, faggot or no It's time he learn who really runs shit 'round here.
Excuse me.
Listen up, inmates! Work detail's cut short today because there's a health inspection, so you'll return to your cells at the top of the hour.
And, no, you will not be paid for the lost time.
Quit the bitching, please.
Try to remember, you are federal inmates, not line cooks at Applebee's.
Now there's a new shipment of produce out on the loading dock that is not gonna move itself.
Rosado, Hernandez, bring the boxes back in, and you're done for the day.
CO Samuelson will escort you back to your block.
You guys should go along, too.
There's a lot to carry.
All hands on deck.
As they say.
Driscoll! What is this swill? Goulash.
What the fuck did you just say to me? Sorry, sir.
It's, uh, beef stew.
Yeah.
That's what I thought.
All right.
All right now.
You can cut it out, Mean Daddy.
Did I sell it? I felt like I was really selling it.
Yeah.
I mean, you're a regular Bruce Willis.
Hey, what'd you get on 18 across today? "Dancer's leader.
" I got "blank, blank, N, T, blank.
" I got "S, A, blank" Santa! - "Dancer," like the reindeer! - Nice.
Nice.
Something wrong? You seem down.
It's stupid.
Nothing that matters to you is stupid.
All right, it's not a big deal.
Rosado and his merry band of bitches swiped my radio yesterday.
I'll kill them.
No, seriously, should I kill them? - No.
Come on.
- I'll kill them.
I will kill them for you.
I brought you something.
- What? - Yeah.
What, Christmas is coming early this year, huh? It's just a little stocking stuffer.
It's, uh some chocolate for my chocolate.
It's always candy with you, huh? "My caramel swirl.
" "My mocha chip.
" No.
No, I wasn't I I love it.
And for the record, I think your sweet tooth is cute.
You my sugar daddy, huh? Huh? When I was a kid, I used to steal Toblerone triangles from my mom's PMS stash And, this one time, she caught me and she made me eat a whole jumbo bar as punishment.
Did you puke? No, I ate the whole thing, and I asked her for another.
- Insatiable appetite, huh? - Yeah.
I think that's when she gave up trying to fix me.
Thank God she did, huh? Look, you're perfect like God made you.
- You hear me? - Really? I hate this.
Having to hide.
Having to be apart.
Uh, let me show you something.
- What? - So that you're with me, always.
Forever.
Even if we're apart.
And I told O'Brien to use a brand-new needle and a fresh tin of boot wax, okay? - So Yeah.
- Good.
Yeah.
I also told him it meant "double penetration," so that he wouldn't think of nothing but the dirty picture in his mind, right? Hmmm.
Yeah, clean this clean this up! Jesus, inmate! Try not to make such a fucking mess next time! Yes, sir.
Right there is good, Rosado.
Right there! Is there a doctor in the house? We got to reattach a severed appendix! Doctor! - Oh! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! - What's wrong? - It's an emergency.
- Wait.
He is way too buff to be a doctor.
He's like one of those TV types who knows, like, all that medical mumbo jumbo, but can't find his ass with his two hands.
Quick.
Can you sew this back on? It's been detached too long.
The tissue sustained too much damage.
Also, it's covered in Cheetos dust.
And I'm a prison nurse, not a plastic surgeon.
And I've barely slept in days.
And I only took this job to earn enough to buy my own paraglider and a one-way ticket to Denali.
And now, I don't even know if I'm gonna get out of here alive.
So there's no hope? But what about a finger transplant, Doctor Samosa? Ooh.
Who would be my organ donor? - One of the skinheads maybe? - Yeah.
But you got to make sure you know what she's in for first.
'Cause you don't want to go around, like, murdering people with your murdery fingertip.
Pick, um, a meth cooker.
Oh! Or the forger lady! Like, someone with a useful skill.
Well, what about Gandhi over there? - I'll have the healing touch.
- Too brown.
But a man's finger could be nice.
I got an idea.
Come on.
Oh, no.
You're comin' with us.
So kiss a little longer Hold tight a little longer Make it last a little longer Longer with Big Red! 'Cause that Big Red freshness Lasts right through it Your fresh breath goes on and on While you chew it Say goodbye a little longer Make it last a little longer Give your breath Long-lasting freshness With Big Red - Hi.
- Hi.
Um I don't know you, but whatever's going on over there, it sounds rough, and, um I hope you're okay.
Thank you.
I was only trying to help.
Now it doesn't matter what I do, you know, no matter how hard I try to prove, or whatever You know, no one's gonna see me any different.
Feels like life's just fucking weird, you know? Yeah.
Just once we start down these these paths, it's really hard to get off of it.
You know? Yeah, I, uh empathize.
You need to look at this from a broader perspective.
There is only so much taxpayer money available.
You want to tell the kids at PS whatever that their music program's been canceled because a bunch of inmates need to cage their rage with arts and crafts? This is not about resource allocation, it's about priorities.
Is the goal to rehabilitate these women, or line the pockets of MCC's shareholders? Who gives a shit about MCC? You are arguing with the wrong bogeyman.
I represent the governor, and his priority is that we end this ASAP.
Well, it's my priority to make sure we do right by these women.
And why do you think I'm here, Joe? To have a threesome with you and that lunatic who ran in here before? I gave years of my life to this place.
I know I took my share, but maybe that's why I'm here, pulling an all-nighter in this raging dumpster fire, trying to resolve this peacefully.
So come on.
Meet me halfway.
You're not going to reinvent the prison-industrial complex in your shit-stained boxers.
The system is broken.
And how'd it get to be that way, huh? You think a toothy middle manager with holes in her pocket had something to do with that? Well, a petty bureaucrat who needs constant stroking didn't exactly move it along.
Well, at least I tried, Natalie.
- If you hadn't come before me - Once.
- And even then, it was a photo finish.
- Nice.
Real nice.
You woke us up for this shit? This is a disaster.
Yeah, this is not a healthy relationship right here.
I think it's kinda hot, actually.
So angry and sweaty.
Like they wanna fuck each other to death.
We ain't never gonna get to Bayley with this shit.
Not a single new demand has even been agreed on since they started scrappin'.
Man, I keep tellin' you, T, white people mess up everything.
Mmm-hmm.
Twerking, cornrows, Africa the White House.
She got a point.
Face it, Joe.
You fucked this up.
And I don't think it's the first time you've heard that, is it? It's kind of like you have the reverse Midas touch.
Everything you put your hands on turns to shit.
Hmm.
Now, what's that make you, sweetheart? Yo, what the fuck is goin' on? Y'all supposed to be negotiatin'.
I don't know what kinda pervy pillow talk this is, but cut it the fuck out! We got important business to take care of, and it's two o'clock in the goddamn morning, so sit down! Coming up in this hour date night with the newly-exonerated "Cannibal Cop," an update from the standoff at Litchfield Penitentiary, and a sneak peek at the surprising accessory "It Girls" will be carrying next month at Fashion Week.
Turn that shit off, man.
It's making my eyes bleed.
Well, ain't you perfectly prepared, then.
Look, let me help you.
It's dogs.
The new accessory is dogs.
How you know that? 'Cause crazy bitches are always looking for ways to carry their fucking dogs around with them.
My sister keeps her pet Chihuahua, Hannibal, in her shirt pocket.
I can't get enough of this 24 hour news, man.
They never stop talking, even when there's nothing left to talk about.
It's like I don't gotta think about my own life, long as I'm doing this.
Like, I'm addicted.
Sounds like blanco.
More like that fake shit, Methadose.
All the hook, none of the high.
I guess that's why they call it an opiate for the masochists.
Yo, turn that shit up.
They're talking about us now.
- Come on.
- These things never end well.
When it comes to casualties, it isn't a question of "if," it's a question of "how many.
" Attica had 43.
New Mexico, 33 plus another 100 injured.
And then there was Huntsville, 1974.
That was one of the longest prison standoffs in history.
As the inmates grew weary, three hostages managed to get free.
One had a heart attack and was let out.
Another faked a heart attack.
The third made a run for it through the glass doors.
That one culminated in an escape attempt that the press dubbed the "Trojan Taco.
" Man, fuck my kidneys.
We can't let those bitches make off in no condom taco.
Yo, you coming? Nah, I wanna hear more about this Cannibal Cop.
Well, of course, it was a suicide mission.
All of the inmates ended up dead, either by killing themselves, in the ensuing gunfire, or later, through the death penalty.
I suppose that's the big takeaway from this, that the inmates guarding the hostages almost never survive.
Tough stuff.
Up next, is that a poochie in your Gucci? What did you think would happen, Red? You'd get out of here someday? Pick up where you left off with your little mafia friends? Be honest.
Is there anything even out there for you? What are you doing? How did you get that off? I'm good with my tongue.
Help! That really sounded like a cry for help.
Wonder where Red is.
She could make a real feast out of what you've got here.
Oh, I'd love a hot meal.
I sent her an invitation, but apparently she had something better to do.
She probably has half the prison under her command.
Here.
How about some toasted Fruit Brute? Help! I think we should investigate.
I thought we were staying out of this.
I definitely think we should investigate.
Me three.
Some people.
They can't appreciate a good thing until it's gone.
You're right.
They'll never survive up there without us.
Come on.
Help! Help! Help! I can't think.
- Help! - You shut shut your mouth.
High-pitched sound.
Fucking irritating.
Help! - Those stairs are a doozy.
- I will teach you.
- Okay.
Shut up! - Shh.
It's going to be okay.
Nice Indian man? You should be sleeping, probably.
Sleeping is very healing.
Yeah.
And when you wake up, you'll be feeling better and they'll bring you soup and pills.
Let's do the "Goodnight" book.
Um Yeah, okay.
Okay.
Good night, room.
Good night, moon.
Good night, spoon.
Good night, mean and good night, nice.
Good night, human pinky toe mice.
Good day, hospital bed! Good morning, woozy-oozy head.
- Ah.
- Oh.
Good What time is it? Good or bad white girls in the yard.
There's a dead or dying guard.
- Wait.
Wait.
- Good night.
Dead guard? Yeah.
Over in the next bed.
I have excellent peripheral vision.
Like, I'm looking at you right now, but out of the corner of my eye, I can see him being very not alive.
He's not breathing.
No.
No more being dead! Oh, sh I need to find an undoer.
Oh, God.
I need to find an eraser.
Oh! Oh! - I saw this in a movie one time.
- Suzanne.
Come on.
Come on.
I'm gonna take him to see the Wizard.
Or a witch.
Or a doctor.
Or a witch doctor.
- Oh, where are all the grown-ups? - Suzanne, wait.
Wait.
Hey, don't touch it! Anthrax! This is a women's prison.
It's more likely to have a kid's Christmas list on it than a biological weapon.
Dummy.
"Hot Cheetos.
Beyoncé.
Yearly gyno visits.
" That's one advanced kid.
Turn it over.
"Don't try anything, or we all die.
" Let's fuckin' get her.
Make it count this time.
I swear to God, if one more of these bitches tries to fuck me, I'm - Nobody wants to fuck you, asshole.
- All right, back off, boys.
Yeah, simmer down, Anthrax.
I'm gonna help you, okay? Follow me.
Come on, hurry up.
Yo, what the fuck is this? They needed a piss break.
And I couldn't say no.
One of them already peed on themself.
Fuck no! Back in the bubble, bitches.
- I gotta pee.
I gotta pee.
- I don't care.
You too lax, Mama.
Your kids must run all over you.
I thought you guys were gonna sleep, huh? Nah, man.
The TV told us that now is when we gotta step it up, so now we gonna watch 'em extra close from here on out, till this thing is done.
So they don't sneak out in no lambskin enchilada or nothin'.
You can stay with us if you want.
But you really gotta toughen up.
Yeah.
Funny thing is, is I used to love small spaces when I was a little girl.
You know, I was the kind of kid that I liked the box that fell off of the truck, and not, like, the car parts inside or the dolls and the toys.
Like, I wanted the box.
My eighth birthday, I think, I spent in the trunk of my uncle's Subaru.
I was playing cave girl, and I was so happy in there.
I mean, I could have stayed in there forever if he hadn't tried to cross state lines with a warrant out on him.
Yeah, I used to, um hide on the top shelf of the linen closet when I was a kid.
Used to make me feel safe.
Do you ever wonder how things that used to feel so good now feel so bad? I do.
I mean, it's like, this is prison, yes.
Shitty diarrhea food, nothin' to do but sit sit around and fucking wait, but like, I used to be able to get through it.
But now I can't really even get myself up and out of bed.
It's, like, there's, like, less air in here to breathe or something.
And and it used to, before, you could you could find somebody to talk to if you wanted, you know? Or or cookie's up their sleeve, and Now it's, "Fuck you, inmate.
I'mma fuckin' ruin your life just because I can.
" It's like human niceness has just gone renegade, and I don't think it's coming back anytime soon.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, me too.
'Cause the sad truth of it is, is that everybody in here is gonna be way worse than how they were when they started.
Yes.
Yeah.
You are absolutely right.
Hey maybe maybe we can help each other get out of here, you know? The fence? I wonder if the backhoe works.
Hey, come on.
We have to try, right? We can do this, like a like a team, and we could even have a special handshake or something, right? Oh.
You were the backhoe, bitch.
Stealing my friend behind my back, ho? You know, Boo was my best friend, right? Ah! You know, women gotta start being nicer to one another.
Ow.
Ow.
Ooh, what about her? Ugh! No, shallow nail beds.
Hey, Red Light Special, where you hiding? Ladies! Hey, I'm over here.
Oh, thank you, ladies.
Hi.
Hey, yeah, great to see you.
Uh, so listen, we need your help, because Leanne's finger was very rudely shot off by your colleague with the gun.
That's the Humps? - Donuts.
- Ah! Angie! God! Oh, shit.
Sorry.
I forgot.
Uh, this is Doctor McCurry.
He's going to cut off your finger and put it on Leanne.
- What? - I'm ready for the transplant, Doctor.
No, I'm I'm not okay with this.
Neither am I.
Why do you even want his finger anyway? So she can finger herself with his finger forever.
- Shut up.
- Obviously.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Uh, you you gotta know if it works, right? So why don't you take it for a test-drive before you commit? Huh? Okay, Apu.
Into the poo.
Don't go anywhere, okay? Um here's A.
I don't know.
It feels sort of numb.
B? Angie, I'm not sure if it's working.
What do you mean, you're not sure? Haven't you ever Oh, my God! You've never Maybe I have.
I don't know.
One time I peed a little, so I thought maybe If you had, you'd know.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Go back! Go back! What was that? What was that? It was W.
- Do it again.
- All right.
Do it again.
Yes.
- Yeah.
- W! W! W! - Help! - Hey, you really get off on this, don't you, you sick fuck? Red, you're beautiful.
Hair grows back.
Someone tell his face.
Ah! Thank you, asshole.
I guess not all lesbians are good with their tongue, huh? You're a real martyr, aren't you, Reznikov? No.
Oh, don't be dramatic.
I'm not gonna kill you.
I simply want your family to see you for who you really are.
To see the full Galina.
A woman's face can hide weakness.
But their bodies can't.
Yeah.
Girls, look away.
Yeah, big fucking man, beating up on an old lady.
You dirty cunt! No! Stop it! Oh, I've had enough of this insubordination! You are federal inmates, not the queen of the fucking Nile.
Now tell me what you are, so I know you understand.
You tell me! Please.
Last chance.
I hope that someone treats you the way that you are treating us, when you get locked up for assault, you piece of shit! Right.
Nice fantasy, January Jones.
In a day or two or whenever this is over, it's gonna be my word against a bunch of criminals rotting away in Max.
Who do you think they're gonna believe? I'll shove my dick back in that boca sucia qué tienes if you make a fucking sound - Hey! - Shut the fuck We was just wrestling.
You want a turn? I mean, we loosened him up real good.
Everybody knows that puto loves to fuck for cash or whatever you got laying around.
I will destroy you.
Either one of you comes towards me, I will skin you alive.
Ten-two in D block six, barbershop.
Ten-eighteen, ten-twenty, and we need a medic.
I repeat, we need a medic in D block six.
CO Samuelson, roger that.
CO Berk, roger 10-18.
- Is he breathing? - Yes.
What are you doing? Tossing the room.
Standard after a 10-2.
You hiding H in here, pretty boy? You're gonna live to regret it if you're lying to me right now.
You hear that? You're gonna live! I think we can all agree that y'all are the ones who made a mess of this place.
But can we please get back to talking about how to fix it? I don't wanna hear no more about how he done shit premature or how she like to take a bite out of crime.
And no more bullshit about bending over and taking it up the ass or any other sick business that MCC might have made y'all do for some reason.
You're absolutely right, Jefferson.
- If I could just - You could just listen is what you could just.
It's time to talk about Bayley.
I think it's time we talk about the guard that Diaz shot.
She shot the guy with his own gun that he brought in here and started waving around.
I'm sorry, but guns don't shoot people.
People shoot people.
And in this case, it's one of your people who did the shooting.
Are you negotiating for the governor, or for the NRA? Because we settled all of that.
And Diaz is gone.
Well, how do I even know if this guard is still alive? You got my word for it is how.
And we know the inmate Bayley killed is for sure dead.
Well, I would like to see this Humphrey before we press on any further.
Not that I don't trust your word.
Do you trust mine? I've seen him, Natalie.
And? Yeah, he was in some discomfort, but he's stable.
Thank you.
Okay, then.
Now should we look at demand number ten, the inmates' desire for more nutritious food? I am afraid the costs associated with Hey, don't go sinking your big teeth back into the budget bullshit, Ms.
Figueroa.
And stop yawning! We got work to do.
Now listen, I got reports right here, okay? All science and shit.
They say, "Giving inmates a balanced diet with fresh fruit and vegetables reduces the cost of health care by 30% on an annual basis.
" Those savings should be more than enough to cover the cost of a GED program.
Mmm-hmm.
Goodbye, mop that looks like Mommy.
Goodbye, slop that fills my tummy.
Goodbye, Poussey Taystee? Red balloon.
Over the moon.
Breath.
Death.
Taystee! Grace? Graystee? Aw, no, no, no! What the fuck is goin' on? - The issue is he is not breathing.
- What? And the body needs oxygen, or else the cells curl up like old leaves.
But don't jump in the leaves, because the pile might have ticks and spiders in them.
Okay.
What happened to you, Suzanne? - I need help! - Okay.
Then we got to get his cells to iron out, because But you cannot touch the iron, because it's going to burn your fingers.
You have to throw your spit at it and listen! Just the sound of the sizzle.
Huh? What are you seeing, eye-lookers? No Look, Taystee needs to see this.
- She needs to! - No, no, no, no.
- Taystee busy right now, all right? - Yeah.
I, uh think he's okay.
Look, he even smilin'.
Wait I think I hear him breathin' again.
He just needed some air, right? - Yeah.
- No, no, no, no.
- Nice job, Suzanne.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Just Here, let me let me Okay.
Let's just U-turn this and go to Medical, okay? Do a three-point turn, maybe, all right? Hey, look.
Here we go! We're going on a trip to Medical.
We're going to Medical.
We're going to Medical.
You fucking sicko psycho.
She needs medical attention.
Piper, shut up.
Don't provoke an angry bear.
Or any fuckin' bear.
Either way you get mauled.
Haven't you done enough? Just about.
What else do you want? You've put an old lady in her place.
My own daughters can't look at me without pity in their eyes.
You win.
Are you happy now? Yes I am.
It's like they taught me at Jesus camp for little homos.
"The righteous will rejoice when he sees vengeance.
He will bathe his feet in the blood of the wicked.
" Oh, I bet your feet are disgusting.
You see, this is the thing about female prisoners.
Men understand violence.
They respect it.
They're dogs.
If you beat them, they obey you.
Not women.
Women don't fear pain the way men do.
They have to be broken in other ways.
But make no mistake they have to be broken.
Many inmates have tried to make a fool of me over the years.
None have succeeded.
And none ever will.
Oh, shit! What, you gonna fuck me? Or you want me to fuck you? Yeah, we all know that's how you like it, you dinge queen.
You a fucking bucking bronco, ain't you, you motherfucker? Kiss my fucking ass, bitch! Fuck you! This is what you do to get off, Tweety Bird? By watching me sweat? Fucker! Fucker! Fucker! Oh, God! No! No! I think that's probably enough.
Come on, Desi.
We take 'em out when they start screaming.
I don't hear anything, do you? He saw me.
I know you're down here, inmate.
Oh, please, make this hard for me.
It'll give me the pleasure of wrecking you later.
Oh, you're gonna have to do better than a pushpin.
Teamwork! Ah, how do you like that, Fruit Brute? I will skin you alive.
Oleander? Nah.
Some old devil's breath Bone sent me back in the '80s.
Yeah.
We shared a love of botany, me and Bone.
And some other things.
But that's none of anyone's business.