Parks and Recreation Episode Scripts

N/A - Live Ammo

Is the coast clear? What are you wearing? My sneak-around clothes.
Is he gone? Yeah, he's gone.
Come in.
You gotta see this.
Tom and I have been seeing each other for a few weeks, and I think I'm ready to say, "I love you" To his apartment.
I love you so much.
Look at all these blankets.
One on the ottoman, one on the chair, one on the couch here, feel.
Holy hell, that's soft.
Oh, my God, is that Yep! A whole shelf of coconut water.
I think I'm gonna cry.
This is like girl heaven.
Did he do all this just for you? No! He just lives like this.
He's deeply in debt, but you know what? Who cares! 'Cause check it out.
Cheese plate and Adriatic figs.
Leslie, this is always here.
I don't know when he has time to make it.
Boutique eye cream, unisex cologne, lip exfoliator, chocolate-covered almonds, and a Sudoku book just amenities everywhere! - I love amenities.
- I know! Check this out.
It's the best part.
Night and day.
Look at this one.
There's another soft one.
Ohh.
Councilman Pillner, could I have a moment? Make it quick.
In his seminal filmmaker Ken Burns describes the national park system as a America's best idea.
- Way quicker.
- Okay.
Well, but you should watch that documentary.
Now I realize that you're drafting the new city budget, and I've heard that you're planning on reducing the parks funding by 8%.
Councilman Pillner, that cannot happen.
I've gotten to know the city councilmen pretty well because of my campaign.
If you hear any of them talking about that "blonde pain in the ass," that's a-me.
Leslie, that budget is all but finalized.
I love building ships in bottles.
When the ship is done, I put a cork in it, put it on the shelf, and I move on.
Hold that cork, sir 'Cause I'm about to put an adorable face on your proposed cuts.
Meet Melody Sternway.
She's enrolled in five of our parks programs.
Our department is the only thing between her and a life of tube tops and tribal tattoos and barfing in hot tubs.
Please.
Okay, you got me.
I'll find the cuts somewhere else.
Good morning, everyone! I'm April Ludgate and I will be filling in for Leslie while she runs for office.
So the new emergency protocol for the Parks department can be found in your binders.
What exactly is the chain of command vis-a-vis on-site response? You know what, why don't we just say that whoever gets to the emergency first will be in charge? Okay, so if there's an explosion, say, in Ramset Park and someone from Sewage gets there first, they'd be in charge? I had no idea how terrible Leslie's job is.
She referred to this meeting as a nonstop thrill ride.
I'm not quite sure, but Tom can answer that if What are you doing? Just bouncing some business ideas off Russell Simmons on Twitter.
Why? All due respect, miss Ludgate, do you even know what you're doing here? All due respect, Mr.
hamster penis, but no, I don't.
- My last name is Guiles.
- Are you sure? Because you look like a hamster penis.
What about a cologne that can kill spiders? Ron Swanson, it is my pleasure to inform you that you are a finalist for the job of Assistant City Manager.
Chris, I feel I should remind you that I do not believe that the position or the entire government should exist.
That said, you'd be a fool not to pick me.
I will walk deeper into the belly of the beast if it means I'm able to further limit reckless government spending.
I mean, I have so many ideas.
Some are simple like "take down traffic lights" and "eliminate the Post Office.
" The bigger ones will be tougher, like "bring all of this crumbling to the ground.
" There is one more step in the vetting process.
You and I will embark on a quick session of heart rate meditation, focusing on conscious breathing and opening the heart chakra.
I'm not sure I'm interested in that.
No, I am sure.
I am not interested in that.
Ron, you and I are very different people, and we have often been at odds.
It is crucial that you and I spend a day spiritually engaged, and consider what it would really mean to work together.
Trust me, you'll love it.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh, wear your yoga pants.
Okay, I really wish we would've talked about this first.
What could possibly be wrong about me saving the Parks department budget? I don't know.
That's the point.
You're thinking like a Parks department employee, not a city council candidate.
You're in a campaign literally.
Everything you do right now is politics.
Oh, really? Is this politics? Ow.
What is what is that? - What why did you do that? - I'm in a good mood.
Because the city councilor listened to me.
It means I have some juice.
Look, this might be a good thing.
But there's a reason we strategize - before we make decisions.
- Okay.
Okay.
I'll make some calls, see where we are.
- Enjoying the view.
- What is going on? I'm just really into you.
Gimme a spin, baby.
I hate doing Leslie's job.
I'm filling in for a person who smiles 90% of the time.
Tom, can you please help me? Please? Or just do it? Come on, lil sparkle.
Don't give up.
What does Leslie always say? I don't know, weird stuff about waffles.
She says, "you get out of a job what you put into it.
" You just need to find a project you're passionate about.
For instance, I was incredible at naming drinks at the Snakehole Lounge because I care a great deal about signature beverages.
The Beer-yonce Knowles.
It's just a regular beer, but we put it in a sexy-ass mug.
Pairs nicely with the Jay-zima.
We bought a bunch of zima when the factory shut down.
That sounds fun.
Maybe I should work at a bar.
Come on, there must be some aspect of this job you care about.
Hello.
Here are some papers Leslie requested.
- These are blank.
- Weird.
As long as I'm here, can I ask you a question? Did you ever participate in meditation with Chris? Oh, yeah.
When we dated, he made me do it every week.
- What am I in for here? - Okay, here's the deal.
It's crazy boring, it lasts forever, you're gonna wish you were dead.
Do you wanna borrow my yoga pants? Hey.
So did Pillner finalize the budget? Are we okay? - We are the opposite of okay.
- What do you mean? To keep the money in Parks, they're gonna shut down the Westside animal shelter.
The money had to come from somewhere, and the shelter is on its last legs.
So they're closing it at the end of the week.
That's where Champion came from.
What will happen to all the other animals? - Well, they'll be - Fine.
No.
They'll be No! Guys.
Apparently, Leslie Knope wielded her insider influence and got Councilman Pillner to save her precious department, even though it meant closing the shelter.
Now I am not saying that Leslie Knope is a dog murderer, per se, I just think that her actions raise some questions.
Like, for example, is she a dog murderer? God.
Well, I don't know the answer to that, Jennifer, but your tone makes me think Yes.
Say your good-byes, Pebble 'Cause "Weswie" Knope gonna kill you.
She got the perfect puppy for that shot.
She is good.
Leslie, there is a woman on the phone that says her daughter's scared to go to sleep because Leslie Knope's going to come murder her kitty.
- Okay, we can fix this.
- Yes, we can.
Tomorrow morning, we are going back to Pillner and telling him to cut the Parks budget.
No, no, no, no.
We can figure something else out.
Leslie! Hey, honey, good morning.
How did you sleep? I adopted 32 cats and dogs.
Do you want pancakes? - I'm gonna make pancakes.
- Is that a pig? - What? Which one? - Is that a pig? You talking about this one? This one right here? Yes, that is a pig.
This is the best meditation center in the area.
It doesn't look like much.
Actually, this strip mall has surprisingly decent chi.
Although, the smells from the Greek restaurant next door are not ideal.
But through this door lies a deep, serene quietude.
Excuse me, ladies.
On your right.
After you, Ron.
Now take in the vibe of the room and remain open of mind and of spirit.
Now quietly sit behind me and let's join breath.
- I'll stand.
- Interesting technique.
Andy, look at this little guy! He's such a little runt.
Hey, there.
Hey, Tom, look.
Oh, I just had five cats on me at once! You wanna come in here and try to break my record? That's okay, Andy, I think I'm gonna keep my distance.
Don't want none of that animal dander interacting with this cashmere.
What's your endgame here, my dear? This is only temporary until I find a way to keep the shelter open without cutting the Parks budget.
Hey, what if I threw together a pet adoption in one of our parks would that be cool? April, that would be the coolest thing since 'N Sync, Aerosmith, and Nelly performed together at the Super Bowl halftime show.
Ew.
I think I may have found a project I'd actually enjoy doing helping these cats and dogs.
They should be rewarded for not being people.
I hate people.
I'm very proud of you, April.
Meanwhile, you and I are gonna look at the town budget and we're gonna find something expendable.
Hey, Ben, the pig ate your noise-canceling headphones.
Pigs are awesome! All told, we were in there about six hours.
And no, I was not meditating.
I just stood there, quietly breathing.
There were no thoughts in my head whatsoever.
My mind was blank.
I don't know what the hell these other crackpots are doing.
Jerry, the puppies are going to the bathroom everywhere.
We can't let people see that.
I need you to continuously clean out the cages, okay? - You got it, boss.
- Thank you.
Donna, did you put the info sheets on all the cages? - Last one.
- Great.
Each animal has a photo, special talents, and a personal history That I made up.
A lot of these dogs have rescued people from burning buildings.
This one helped Ray Charles around.
What? This cat was in Boogie Nights? - Hi.
You like this little guy? - He's so cute.
I know.
All the animal are up-to-date on their shots.
- And I think he likes you.
- He's pretty awesome.
Did you know his great-grandfather was Spuds Mackenzie? What do you think, sweetie? Do you wanna take him home? Yes, please.
Realistically, I'm guessing we dropped three to five points in the polls.
This late in the game, it's killer.
And that's a dog biscuit.
Andy put them on the table 'cause he wanted to try to have the dogs play poker.
Okay, Leslie, we are out of time.
- We have to go back to them.
- Oh, my God! This is it.
Hmm.
Oh, for God's sake, Leslie.
There's just not enough money to do all the things you wanna do.
You're trying to fit two ships into one bottle.
Take it from me, you can't do that.
Okay, just look at this.
There are three employees designated as D1, or on retainer.
Public Works is still paying them even though they haven't worked in two years.
It's an oversight.
We get rid of them and we have just enough money to keep the animal shelter operating while still maintaining the Parks budget.
Interesting.
Looks like we found a bigger bottle.
I know you're just making a joke, but using a bigger bottle would be considered cheating by most of our major trade publications.
FYI.
Ron, you've radiated mindfulness.
What were you thinking about? - I wasn't thinking at all.
- Incredible.
It takes a ton of work for me to get to that kind of a clear head space, no matter how hard I try.
Don't try so hard.
Don't try so hard.
Ron, I'm going to try your "not trying" method right here, right now.
Chris, wait.
I know this crap is important to you, so I should come clean.
I got nothing out of that experience at all.
So if you're looking for someone who enjoys meditation Oh, I didn't expect you to enjoy it.
My one reservation about you as a co-worker was that you seem inflexible.
And merely by agreeing to an activity you're not interested in, you showed flexibility.
Ron, you've got the job.
- You wanna head back? - I do.
But first, there's a hot, spinning cone of meat in that Greek restaurant next door.
I don't know what it is, but I'd like to eat the whole thing.
Why is it so dead? Where is everyone? Don't give up yet.
There's a few minutes left.
Is this where we drop off our unwanted cats? - No.
It's the opposite.
- Okay.
I'm just gonna put these here for a second.
And then, uh We ended up with more animals than we started with.
This is what happens when you try.
All of these animals are gonna die.
God! I hope you're happy, stupid people in this stupid town! Hey! Hey, you! Get back here and get your [Bleep] cats out of there! Do you think Barack and Michelle Obama feel like this at the end of the day? Probably.
I mean, I don't know how else wait a second.
Is that so am I Michelle? Hey, how is everyone? - Great! - Pretty good.
We saved the animal shelter and the Parks budget.
That's great news.
Let me guess.
You found room in other parts of the budget somewhere? Totally.
Got rid of a bunch of lame-ass D1's from Public Works.
Awesome news.
Hey, you know what else is pretty neat, is thanks to you, councilman Pillner went through the budget and decided that not just Public Works but all D1's will be terminated in two weeks.
- I'm getting fired.
- Ba-what now? Oh! Councilman Houser I was just looking for you.
I have found my assistant city manager.
You wanna guess who it is? It's Ron Swanson! I'm sorry.
I should've let you guess.
I'm just so excited.
I'd put a pin in this for now.
Why? Why pin it? The council vote is three to two in favor of another term for you.
But one of the yes votes is retiring.
If Bobby Newport wins, he's gonna try to bring in his own guy.
Why would he do that? He's not exactly thrilled you've been volunteering for the Knope campaign in your spare time.
Sorry, Chris.
If Newport wins You're gone.
I just need one more week.
- And then I think - Sorry, could you please Be careful? Oh, I am always careful.
We're good.
If I could just get a little bit more time, I could figure out how to fix this.
Unfortunately, I cannot give you any more time.
With due respect Leslie, I am retiring at the end of this term, so I've been fine with you guys pushing me around on this budget thing.
But if you're ever gonna hold this job, there's something you need to understand.
City Council isn't about making everybody in town happy.
In fact, every decision you make is gonna make a lot of people very unhappy.
We play with live ammo around here.
Now I'm gonna close the book on this budget draft by the end of the business day.
So if you can find some way out of this mess by 5:00 P.
M.
, you let me know.
- Thank you.
- That's fair.
I did it! I got it out.
Oh, geez.
You don't take the ship out.
Here you go.
Chris! Great news! I found a way to reduce government spending by 85%.
Here's a hint no more departments.
Ha, that crazy and impractical plan may have to wait.
Turns out that Bobby Newport, if he beats Leslie, is going to appoint his own city manager.
So I may have offered you a job that I have no authority to offer.
- I'm so so sorry.
- Well, that is disappointing.
But don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.
Oh, I know.
I mean, in the grand scheme of things, who cares? We're all just molecules, floating around in random patterns Devoid of meaning.
Well, I'll see you when I see you.
I'm a rolling stone.
- Peace.
- Stop.
Have a seat.
We did things your way, now we're gonna do it my way.
Prepare to experience true freedom and bliss.
Oh, maybe I should just go back to being a nurse full-time.
No, I will not let you return to a life of shaving wieners and dodging knife attacks from meth heads.
Right.
Okay, what are you gonna do? Well, either you get fired, the Parks budget shrinks, or the animal shelter's gotta go.
Or we find money somewhere else.
Okay, Leslie, there is nowhere else.
This is a town budget, not a bottomless trust fund.
Okay? Money doesn't just appear out of nowhere.
- Shh.
Stop talking.
- What? Shh.
I have half an idea and I'm putting it together.
- Okay.
- Hey! - Do you wanna - Heh.
- I'm - No! - Do you? - Unh.
Shh.
Okay, now I have a complete idea.
Ben, I'm going to commit political suicide.
Hey, it's me.
Tommy! - Hi! - I'm not here.
April.
Swear on my great-great-grandmother's grave I'm not here.
I'm gonna come in for a second.
Can you just leave me alone? Why so glum, sugar plum? Um, I don't know.
Maybe because I worked so hard on that dumb pet adoption and I failed.
That's why it's stupid to work hard.
Let me show you something.
Because you worked hard, this little terribly-dressed girl has a puppy.
And this little puppy has a home.
If Leslie's taught me anything, it's that yes, this job is frustrating and you hit brick walls.
But the other 2%, it's stuff like this kid.
And that puppy.
What what is that photo? That must come preloaded in there or something.
- Oh, my God.
- See you at work tomorrow? Fine.
All right.
Bye, pups! Bye, little piggies! I don't usually poison my body with dark alcohol, but this whiskey is excellent! Nectar of the gods.
Well, I should get back to my office.
As long as I have one.
Chris, I'm not one for positive thinking or visualization or meditation or really anything in the world that you believe in.
But you might consider the upside of losing your job.
For example? You would no longer be a government parasite, sucking the lifeblood from honest, hardworking people.
Instead, you'd contribute to society like a man.
That's just one way it might be good.
I'm sure there are others.
I'm sure there are.
Uh-oh.
You look serious.
What's on the agenda? Just one item, Jennifer.
You're going to announce that Bobby Newport will use his personal fortune to save the animal shelter.
No.
No, that's that's, um that is a great idea.
In fact, I don't know why I hadn't thought of it already.
Damn it.
Damn it! I swear the air in this town is killing my brain cells.
Actually, the water's not good for you either.
You shouldn't drink the tap water.
Has anyone told you that yet? In exchange, no more puppy killer ads for the rest of the campaign.
- That's all we ask.
- Okay.
Well, what's to stop me from just paying for the shelter and still running the ads? Because I told councilman Pillner that if you don't agree to our terms, he should cut the Parks budget.
And we'll leak that it was Leslie's decision and yours seem tough and fair, what with sacrificing her old apartment.
Okay, what's in it for you? A safe home for the animals, a job for my friend, and a full Parks budget.
I wasn't born yesterday.
You've gotta have an angle.
This is a home run for us! We're gonna dominate the news cycle for a whole week.
Well, you can have this week.
We'll take the next one.
Oh, yeah? What makes you so sure? Because in a week, we have a debate.
And your guy Bobby Newport is gonna have to show up, and he's gonna have to open his mouth.
And I'm gonna kick his ass.
She'll take care of that.
See ya next week! How's my best buddy? Just bought this.
Cranium.
It's a board game.
Have you heard of it? It is literally the most fun I have ever had.
What do you say, after work, you, me, whiskey, wheatgrass, Cranium? - Ron? - Chris? Sorry, he's meditating.
He asked me to tell anyone who comes in that he wishes to remain undisturbed so as to better clarify his head space.
Oh, God, Ron.
I am so sorry.
I'll let you get at it.