Parks and Recreation s05e03 Episode Script

Hey, there you are.
- I miss you.
- I miss you, too.
Where are you? I'm in my new city council office.
- No way.
- I know, do you like it? I love it.
I love it, too.
Check this out.
Here is my wall of inspirational women.
Ah.
Is that a picture of you? Yes.
I am big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself.
Here are my clocks.
Pawnee and Washington D.
C.
Same time zone.
Oh, this is the coolest part ever.
I have my own private bathroom.
Occupied! - Oh my God.
- Ugh.
Councilman Jamm.
What are you doing in my bathroom? I don't known if i would call it your bathroom.
Its only door is in my office.
I think it is crazy that the most junior city councilor gets a private bathroom just because she is a girl.
- Excuse me? - Let's solve this.
Tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm going to drop my liquids in here, take my solids down the hall.
- Deal? - No.
No deal.
Fine.
Your loss.
How? Fun fact about me.
I recently began intensive psychotherapy.
I may have mentioned that to you already.
Several times.
Well, like my therapist says, "You can't share too much or too often.
" You know, Gayle and I, we saw a couples therapist for a little while.
That's too much, Jerry.
For real.
Keep us out your bedroom.
It used to be, when I was down, I called my mother.
When I lacked self-confidence, I called my running coach.
And now, no matter what emotion I'm feeling, I call one number-- my therapist.
I want to do the same thing for the city.
A psychotherapist for the city.
No, Andy.
- No.
- A 311 line.
Citizens will call 311 for whatever problem they have.
Uncollected garbage, broken streetlight, and we will direct them to the proper department.
Chris, great idea.
Thank you, Andy.
I agree.
I love this idea.
And I love me for thinking of it.
My therapist said that I need to be more vocal about appreciating myself.
Thank you, Chris.
You're welcome, Chris.
I sound insane.
I'm going to go talk to my therapist.
Welcome to Pawnee Today.
I am first-rate newswoman Joan Callamezzo.
Pawnee's City Council approval rate is at a dismal 3%.
That's an all-time low.
Yuck.
Leslie, the city council has done very little over the past few years, and what they have accomplished, in my opinion, has been embarrassing.
And that is a fact.
No, that's your opinion.
That's the definition of an opinion.
Well, that's your opinion.
The city council has some political gridlock and some partisan bickering, but we're actually about to pass a bill-- my bill-- the Leslie Knope Fun In The Sun Act, which will extend public pool hours citywide.
Can you say, "big whoop"? Recently, the Captain of the Pawnee Porpoises swim team asked me if we could keep the public pools open longer so they could log more practice time, and I said, "Absolutely.
" Because not only am I a city councilor.
I'm a city councilor with porpoise.
By passing the bill, and extending pool hours, we are saying to our citizens that this City Council is determined to better our town.
Okay, Pawnee Porpoises youth swim team, I have a question for you.
What is your greatest accomplishment? We came in fourth in the County swim meet last year.
Wrong, your greatest accomplishment is happening in two hours when this bill becomes law.
Yay.
I just want you to be very proud of yourselves, because this bill is going to start a long romance between the city and its government.
Porpoise call! What are you doing? I'm doing a porpoise call, which we used to do when I was part of your group, but it seems like you don't do it any more and that's fine.
I'm not weird.
Okay, everybody leave.
I'll see you at the city council meeting.
Hey, are you busy? And writing Star Trek fan fiction does not count.
Ha ha ha.
I finished it last week.
What's going on? Um, I miss Andy.
And you probably miss your lover, Chris.
Leslie.
I had an idea.
It's Friday.
Pawnee's only a ten-hour drive.
Road trip? Oh, I don't know, I was going to try to get a jump on some work this weekend.
Dude, 30 years from now, when you're on your deathbed, what are you going to remember? Organizing files or taking a spontaneous road trip to surprise Leslie? Yeah, you know what? All right, I'm in.
You know, we might be able to sneak out early.
You get snacks.
I'll bring music.
We'll jam out to some sweet tunage.
You know what? This is awesome.
Actually, no.
I don't want to go any more.
Oh.
Okay.
Just kidding.
See you in ten minutes.
Okay.
Just kidding.
We're not going.
Road trip! So we're going? Yes! Oh, I'm excited to bond a little with April.
She's like the little sister I never had.
Because the little sister I do have is normal and not terrifying.
- 311.
- Well, Diane, for potholes, you want to speak with Public Works.
I understand you've tried them four times.
Government is inefficient and should be dissolved.
Please hold while I transfer you.
Donna, can you help me? I got a 311 call, but it was all static.
That sounds like an I.
T.
Problem.
Well, how do I get I.
T.
Here? Call 311.
Oh, hello again, Diane.
Nobody answered? Okay, you know what? Someone will be there shortly.
Andrew, get your lunch, some water, and a 40-pound bag of asphalt.
Okay, boss.
What are we doing? - We're fixing a pothole.
- Hey! Pawnee 311.
How can I help-- Oh, no.
No, this is not 911.
No, no.
This is 311.
Donna, they switched my phone with 911.
What do I do? I don't know.
Try to help.
Now hush.
It is heating up in this piece.
Oh, that sounds awful.
Good lord, it is hot.
Yes, mercy me.
Living in this town's like living in the devil's butt crack.
Almost out of gas.
I'll wait till we're on the highway.
Now, the GPS says we should take 495 to 270, but check out this cool alternate route I fou-- Oh, my God, that is so interesting to me because I'm a map salesman.
Why aren't we moving? Because.
Other cars.
Will you not do that? Please don't.
That's what you do when you-- Please don't do-- Oh, great, here comes a guy.
- Excuse me.
- Mm-hmm? - Why aren't we moving? - Exit's closed for a bit.
Presidential motorcade.
I'll just shut off the car till it opens up.
Holy [Bleep.]
, it's hot.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Beautiful, Tom.
Beautiful.
- Dynamite gums.
- Aw, thanks.
Tom, do you want to know why I moved to Pawnee? Sure.
It's because the two leading industries here are corn syrup and rubber nipples.
It is a dentistry jackpot.
It's genius, right? Well, D.
D.
S.
Doesn't stand for "dumb, dumb, stupid.
" I like that.
I'm going to steal it.
That's mine now.
All right.
Cool.
Councilman Jamm and I have gotten pretty tight.
And I'm hoping to parlay this into a membership at the Pawnee Smokehouse, Pawnee's most exclusive cigar club.
Overstuffed leather chairs, top-shelf brandies.
And that stale tobacco stench that says, "Welcome to the top.
" You're a member of the Pawnee Smokehouse, right? - Oh, yeah.
- Man, I love a good stogie.
I actually just had this personalized cigar cutter made.
Whoa.
Real nice.
Not my initials, but thank you so much.
Oh, well, it's not-- Okay.
Hey, so, uh, we're still all good on Leslie's bill, right? Actually, Tommy, we need to talk.
I have wanted this perm since middle school.
I could not be more excited about this.
- Are you excited, Autumn? - Yeah, definitely.
Do you ever give a perm to someone and ever regret it? Uh Ann has told me repeatedly not to get a perm.
But Ann's not here.
So when the Ann's away, the mice get perms.
Councilman Jamm changed his vote.
He's voting no on fun in the sun.
What? Why? He promised me.
He just said that he changed his mind.
Then he told me some veneers could really make my smile pop.
Thoughts? Oh, my God.
The vote is in an hour.
Okay, we need to have an emergency strategy session now.
- What about the perm? - The perm must wait, Autumn! The perm must wait.
Wait So this means the bill isn't going to pass? My parents said that you guys can't get anything done.
Now, wait, okay, hold on.
This isn't over by a long shot.
But it's three to two against us.
Yeah, I know how to do math, Mason.
Okay, don't be an alarmist.
It's very important that we stay positive.
Our positive attitude is our greatest asset.
- Tom, a word, please.
- Mm-hmm.
The bill is dead, the Porpoises are doomed, and democracy is over.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe I decided to get a perm.
Ann should have never let me do this.
Look, Jamm saw you on Pawnee Today.
He knows how much you want this.
He's just trying to get something in return.
This is a bargaining tool.
You know, this is why people hate the government.
'Cause just when we're about to do something really good, it all falls apart due to some stupid, selfish jerk butt.
You know, screw Jamm.
Screw Jamm.
I'm just going to try to get Councilman Milton's vote.
Milton? He's, like, 150 years old.
Yeah.
He's got grandkids, okay? And--and kids love to swim.
And he'll give us his vote.
He's an old person, and I'll talk to him really slowly.
He won't even know what he's doing.
I just need to hurry up.
How do I look? I don't know how to answer that.
Hi, I'm Andy.
I really like your dress.
- I'm a princess.
- I'm a mermaid.
I'm the director of Parks and Recreation.
I'm here to fix that hole.
This is our kingdom.
You have to ask permission.
Excuse me? Your highnesses, we do humbly request thine permission to befix doth holes yonder.
Only if you can tag us.
Come here.
Your tax dollars at work.
Soundtrack to Pulp Fiction, soundtrack to Singles, soundtrack to Grosse Pointe Blank.
Why do you have so many soundtracks? Oh, well, uh, I kind of look at it like it's your favorite directors making a mix tape just for you.
Eww.
Oh, here's something.
"Benji's Cool Times Summer Jamz Mix.
" Oh, no, I--you probably don't want to listen to that - Yes, I want to listen to it.
- Just 'cause--no, listen, it-- - I want to listen to it.
- We don't--we don't-- - I wanna hear what's on it.
- We don't need to-- April Shoop Ooh, how you doin'? Here I go, here I go, here I go again girl, what's my weakness? Really? Don't judge me.
Councilman, I'd like to talk to you about the Fun In The Sun bill, and I don't mean to rush you, but the vote is in an hour.
When I'm done eating, we'll talk.
I've eaten the same lunch for 58 years.
Caesar salad, extra dressing, extra croutons, and extra anchovies.
Mmm.
Councilman Milton was first elected as a city councilor in 1948, as a member of the Dixiecrat Party.
Their platform? "De-integrate Baseball.
" The secret is in the dressing.
Try it.
It's an aphrodisiac.
You too, my strange, foreign friend.
- No, thank you.
- Tom, eat some.
I'm not eating racist salad.
The more we eat, the faster we talk.
Mmm.
You can really taste the ignorance.
It's pronounced "anchovies.
" Hi.
Diane Lewis.
I own this pothole.
Ron Swanson.
I'm here to fix it.
Oh, seaweed choke! Ugh! That large boy is my colleague.
We work at the Parks Department.
Oh, you're not even from the Public Works Department? Look, it appeared that no one from the proper channels was gonna fix this, so I decided to do it myself.
Do you know what you're doing? Yes, ma'am.
Yes, I do.
Councilman, you have grandchildren-- And seven great-grandkids.
Tim, Mary, Jack, uh, Tim, Marie, Tim, and Mary.
Don't forget about Tim.
Right, Tim.
How many is that? You know, it's very hard to tell.
This might not work.
Let me find Jamm, see if he'll bargain.
Mm-hmm.
What country is he from? Iceland.
"Data had never felt this way before.
"Of course, data had never felt anything before.
"But Captain Picard couldn't help but note "the smile that crept over his mechanical but lifelike face.
" I'm gonna murder you.
I understand.
Just one second.
"As they walked down the hall into the bridge--" Lemonade? Please and thank you.
Hey, I'm sorry if I was curt earlier.
I'm a single mom, and sometimes things get chaotic around here.
When you showed up from the Parks Department-- No need to apologize.
I understand completely.
This is delicious.
Well, I got it from Food and Stuff, so-- That's where I got these gloves.
Right? So, how exactly are you gonna fix this hole? Just for my own edification.
Uh, I dug the loose gravel out of the hole.
Now I'm using a jackhammer to remove the larger pieces, then I'll spray down the hole to settle the dust and fill it with cold patch asphalt.
Well, thank you.
Now I can fix the next one myself.
Ron and Diane sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p-i.
Do you hear that bird? Jamm! What do you want? Support of one of your bills? Committee chairmanship? - I want your toilet.
- What? Your office, with the private bathroom? He wants your office.
Yeah, I don't mean to brag, but, uh, I've got Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
This isn't even about policy? Absolutely not.
- This is a no-brainer.
Just make the trade, everyone's happy.
I'm not happy.
He shoots down a very helpful bill 'cause he doesn't get to poop wherever he wants? No, I'm gonna get Councilman Milton, and you can put your butt back in your pants, sir.
Yeah, well, love the hair! Andy, come help me tamp this down.
For the last time, Ron, it's princess rainbow sparkle.
Holy Moses.
Can we turn you into a princess? No.
I think it would really make Diane happy.
Why would that matter? Shut up.
Ooh.
Would you please come help me tamp this down? It's a job that requires two men.
Or does it require two princesses? - Please? - Please? Please? Oh.
This is impressive.
You remind me of a young, beautiful Strom Thurmond.
Yes, I've been saying that for years.
Councilman Milton, do I have your vote? - Yes, indeed.
- Oh.
Oh, there's a lot of salad dressing on your hand.
Shall we kiss? Huh? No.
No! - Aah! Oh! - Oh! - Oh.
- Oh, my God, are you okay? Please be okay.
Please, still be able to vote.
We can kiss if you want to.
With tongue? Hey! No.
She tried to kiss me.
She was insatiable.
Well, I don't know, maybe we should, you know, postpone the vote until the councilman gets better, you know? Uh, yeah, we're not postponing anything, okay? I'm pushing the vote through and it won't pass.
Complimentary toothbrush? You're missing the backs of your upper canines.
Sloppy technique.
Excuse me? I have excellent toothbrush technique.
Just give him what he wants.
Take the easy way out.
I always do.
It's so easy.
I do not negotiate with dentists.
I'm trying to tell everybody that the government is great, and I think it stinks.
I hate it.
I hate the government.
- You don't mean that.
- You're right, I don't.
I take it back.
Why did I say that, Tom? God, you know me so well.
More Rouge! Everything going good? I came here to fix a pothole, not be mocked.
I'm sorry, it's just-- your face is ridiculous.
Thank you for the lemonade.
The asphalt will bear weight in an hour.
- Time to go, Andrew.
- No! Wait, but we were gonna make a sparkle palace! Ron, you're walking across hot lava! - Oh! - Oh, no! Whoa, it's moving.
- It's moving.
- What? - Yes! - Finally.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
- What? - No! We're out of gas.
Aah! Aah! Next order of business, the Fun In The Sun Act, introduced by Councilwoman Knope.
Councilman, I move that the bill be read in its entirety.
- Ms.
Beavers? - Fine.
Pawnee Municipal Code Amendment, 217-426 Buying time, I see.
What's up? You can have my office.
Okay, why don't you, uh-- why don't you sweeten the pot? You can have my parking space.
And? And I will get Invisaligns from you.
And? And, that is enough.
And shut up.
And I hate you.
We got a deal.
Can't wait to drop my kids at the pool.
- By "kids," I mean turds.
- I get it.
Yeah.
Then Ana asks Grey to punish her.
Donna, please, can you keep it down? Or at least research how to deliver a baby that's coming out face up.
Lay the mother on her side and try to move the baby in a corkscrew fashion.
Diane is awesome and she likes you.
And you like her.
I can tell.
"A," I don't recall inviting you in here, and "B," I did not like her.
She's not my type.
Her life is messy.
Ron, messy is fun, okay? My whole life is a giant mess and I love it.
I mean, look at my hair.
I have gum in my hair.
Listen, I will not pursue Diane.
End of story.
- Please, just steer.
- Be stronger.
Ow.
That was a great road trip.
We made it 40 feet.
Yeah, well, at least it took a million hours, and it was 180 degrees, - and we starved to death.
- So fun.
Hey, how about next weekend we fly to Pawnee? - Tickets are on me.
- Really? That would be awesome.
Definitely.
Nah, never mind.
I don't feel like it.
What? Oh, my God.
See how it feels? Excellent work, everyone! Particularly you, Ron.
You have one very satisfied citizen.
What did you do for her? I fixed her pothole.
Is that a euphemism? - No.
- Then great work.
In fact, she's out in the hallway and wants to thank you herself.
If you're here to complain about the pothole, I guarantee I did it correctly.
Actually, I'm here to ask you out for dinner.
Really? Well, I hope you're not the kind of man who needs to ask the lady out.
I'm a middle school vice-principal.
I don't screw around.
Does that freak you out? No, on the contrary.
So, dinner? Please and thank you.
Well, it'll be casual.
No need to wear makeup.
I begrudgingly admit that the 311 program is a moderate success.
I'm still not sure why the citizen decided to come speak with me in person, but I'm just happy to see a government program finally work.
Okay, so let's get ready for the photo, guys.
I want you to arrange yourselves from most excited about democracy to least excited.
Wait a minute.
Everybody's excited? I bet you are! Because your bill just became law.
Boy, you know, I can't believe you traded your office to keep this craphole pool open for a couple more weeks a year.
Hey, can you not say that in front of the kids, please? I'm trying to teach them how great government is.
Oh, this is a teaching moment? Great.
Hey, uh, kids? Would you like to learn how Leslie got your bill passed? Councilwoman Knope traded my vote for her-- What the hell, man? Why'd you do that? Um Um, because it's fun in the sun! Everybody in the pool! Yay, pool! Yay, democracy! Oh, no, my perm.
Ta da.
What do you see? - Your new city council office.
- Yes.
And it is across the courtyard from your office, so we can wave at each other.
But it is also Pawnee's newest and most exclusive cigar club, Tom's Smokehouse.
Whoa! "Smoke Dog.
" And the Tommy Haverford member's chair.
Now you're talking.
Man, Jamm's gotta be pretty mad at us.
I ain't scared of him.
He's a punk.
To making things happen.
I'll puff to that.
I do not like this.