Porridge (1973) s03e05 Episode Script
A Test of Character
JUDGE: 'Norman Stanley Fletcher, 'you have pleaded guilty to the charges and it is now my duty to pass sentence.
'You are a habitual criminal who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard, 'and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same casual manner.
'We therefore commit you to the maximum term allowed.
You will go to prison for 5 years.
' What do YOU want, Warren? How did you know it was me? Rear view mirror! What do you want? I need a letter written.
How long you been here? 10 months.
Shouldn't you have taken advantage of the educational facilities? I'm not illiterate, Fletch.
Oh, sorry, I thought you were.
I suffer from DYSLEXIA.
You don't know what it means.
It's some sort of acid stomach.
What's it got to do with writing? Dyslexia is word blindness.
The words get jumbled up in me head.
There's plenty of room! If they'd found it out years ago, I wouldn't be here.
Here we go! The hard luck story.
It's true! I couldn't read the sign.
What sign? "Warning - Burglar Alarm.
" Like Charlie Gill.
He's deaf, he didn't hear the dog.
He's short of hearing? He's short of more than that since the dog got him.
I'll come back later.
It's all right, I'll do it.
Usual rates.
Half a snout a page.
No.
I weren't going to ask YOU.
What? I were going to ask your new celly, Judge Rawley.
WHY? He's a judge.
Educated man.
Oxford.
Public school.
I see! You're going to dispense with my literary services.
I thought he'd be the best person for the job.
Letter writing is an art.
What sort of letter will HE write? "My dear Elaine, I am in receipt of yours of the 6th ult, wherebeit I, the undersigned" I mean, what do you want to do, woo her or sue her? I just thought You thought wrong.
Letter writing is a creative art.
Look, this is what I'M writing to my nearest and dearest.
Seeread that Oh, you can't.
"My darling, though we have been driven apart by cruel fate, "and a misdirection of a jury by a biased judge, who is now sharing a cell with me, "I know that our love transcends these grey, grim walls.
"You are with me in my heart, "and this helps me to wring a few drops of comfort from the limp, damp towel of life.
"Kiss the baby for me.
Your own Norman.
" That's beautiful, Fletch.
Yeah, well Will you do a letter for me, when you've got a moment? When I got a moment, yeah.
But I'll have to finish this one and send it.
.
Then I've to write to the wife! Good afternoon, Warren.
Your Honour.
He is NOT a "Your Honour.
" He is an EX "Your Honour.
" He's been de-benched, de-wigged.
He's pending appeal.
That little matter you raised I'll speak to you later.
Thank you, Judge.
See you, Fletch.
I see! He's been raising things, has he? WHAT little matter? Something to do with his sister's tenancy of her council house.
Oh, setting up shop? Excuse me? "Judge Rawley.
Open for business.
" What are you charging? Nothing.
That's daft.
If you've got any expertise that's in demand, then you want to sell it.
Any philanthropic gestures will be taken as a sign of weakness.
I hadn't realised.
I'll work out a scale of charges, and we'll split it 50 - 50.
I have no intention You will.
I will NOT.
There's 600 men in this nick, and they've all got a legal gripe.
We've got an ex-solicitor, but he only does mortgages - and there's not a great deal of call for that in here! The one thing we ARE certain of is that we'll always have a roof over our heads.
Listen, all the homosexuals in here are forming a movement.
It's called "Equal Rights for Poofters.
" You could represent them.
Queen's Counsel, ain't you? I am not hawking my legal expertise.
I'll do the hawking, you just dispense.
Out of the question.
I'm waiting to hear the result of my appeal.
Within a month I could be back on the bench.
One has to preserve one's integrity.
Integrity, is it? I admire your high moral tone, despite the fact you so recently disgraced your profession.
Look, you're inside now.
It's a jungle in here.
You're lucky to be sharing a cell with King Kong! Know what I mean?! Pooh! Is that you, Harris? Me what? That pong.
There's a reason for this pong.
I hope so.
Is it curable? They've put me back on the farm.
That's good.
Exercisefresh air Fresh air? I'm swilling out the flamin' pigs! And you know WHY.
You and pigs, that makes sense.
Watch your lip, Godber.
Can't see it from here! I'm back on the farm because they're re-jigging the jobs to accommodate your naffing V.
I.
P.
Judge Rawley? Yeah.
He got a clerk's job.
Don't you get outside trips? Oh, yeah(!) Today I had a trip out in the back of the pig van.
It hadn't been cleaned out for weeks.
I was slipping all over the place.
Go and have a bath.
This is what I smell like AFTER a bath! Oh, I was forgetting the highlight! I caught a glimpse of a woman.
A female woman? What was she like? Prison does funny things to a man.
I've never been turned on by a 15 stone pig-breeder before! What do YOU want? Social call.
What a smell! They've put me back on the pig farm.
The pigs held a protest march.
Still, better than aeroplane glue.
I like the smell.
It reminds me of home.
Born on a farm? No.
Naff off.
It smells like a Turkish restaurant on a Monday morning.
If this cell smells, it's because of His Worship.
How can you live with him? Naff off, Harris.
We'll have him.
In the end, we'll have him! Get out! Go on! Pooh! Nurk! Where's me aerofix? Oh, here it is.
You're always leaving it in silly places.
I sat on it.
I had to be prised out of me underpants.
Talk about a stiff upper-lip! Let's have me letter.
Let's see the snout.
There What's that? That's cheating! Who rolls them for you? Twiggy? Good job it's a short letter.
Is it good? Fantastic.
As long as Elaine likes it.
There was a Rita Hayworth film on last night.
"Fire Down Below.
" That's how Elaine will feel! Let's have a look.
Read it for me.
Who's Rita Hayworth? Gawd! You're ignorant.
No.
Just young.
Your generation missed out.
Who've YOU got? Joan Bakewell and Janet Street-Porter.
I like East European gymnasts.
I'm talking about REAL women.
Rhonda FlemingVirginia Mayo and top of the pile has always been my beautiful Rita.
Is she your favourite? Yeah.
Is that why you put "Dear Rita"? Yeah! Eh? I haven't, have I? Give it here.
Where's my pen? Elaine will think I've got a Rita on my mind.
She'll get jealous.
No, she won't.
I've crossed it out and put Errol Flynn.
Want me to read it to you? Yes.
Right.
"Dear Errol Flynn" Good evening, Your Grace.
I've just met that middle-aged Teddy Boy.
Harris.
Most abusive.
He's all wind and water.
He's in here for snatching an old age pensioner's handbag.
He never! He tried to but she kept hitting him with the bag.
That subdued him? Not half! It had a brick in it! She was going to a smash and grab! Don't worry.
He threatened me.
Don't worry.
We'll back you up.
We'll see you all right.
You already have.
And I should like to say how very grateful I am.
I mean, you men have every right to despise me.
Especially you, Fletch, since I sent you here.
But you've shown me only kindness and compassion.
I feel a bond with you men.
I know it's been forged in adversity, but I think it will remain with me for the rest of my life.
Don't start that.
Otherwise we'll forget our scruples and start liking you! A few months ago, I wouldn't so much as TALK to you.
Now I respect you.
I TRUST you.
Do you mean that? Most sincerely.
Just a minute.
All right! Which one of you stole my watch? WHAT? My watch has gone.
What about all this sincere trust? That was before you stole my watch! You'd better back off, mate.
We don't rip each other off.
We're mates.
We have a code.
Yes.
But I'm still an outsider.
True.
Give him his watch.
I'm not a petty thief.
Give him his watch, Warren.
I haven't got his naffing watch! I only came for me letter Look, Judge, we trust each other.
Now, give him his watch, Fletch.
Talk to me like that, Godber, and I'll Sorry! One should never make accusations without firm evidence.
It never bothered the law before.
What? I swear to you, my watch was there before I went for a shower.
Aha! Harris.
Harris! How long was he here? Long enough.
Well, come on then Wait, wait! He'll have stashed it by now.
BELL RINGS Lock-up.
I'll have to go.
Should I not say anything? No, Warren.
Me and the Judge will discuss the possibility of further proceedings.
JUDGE RAWLEY: We can't take the law into our own hands! I'll report the theft.
Look, in here we look after our own, all right? We're going to have a civilised investigation, that's all.
And we happen to have a guest judge.
What? You know your law, don't ya? Me? Preside at the hearing? A trial.
Have we enough to go on? Yeah.
Harris's reputation.
Do we KNOW he's a known thief? Don't ask.
You might prejudice your impartiality.
Innocent till proven guilty.
Of course.
The least I know about Harris, the better.
Yes.
He'd steal his Granny's wintergreen! Oops! Strike that from the record.
Are you going to prosecute? Yeah.
Do you know about legal procedure? I've been up enough times! It's best to know which laws you're breaking.
I've had enough first-hand experience of counsels.
My last one wasn't so bright - as my presence here indicates! As presiding judge at your trial, I thought your counsel argued well against impossible odds.
Godber! I mean, he was a loser going in.
I don't mean the evidence I mean his attitude.
He sent me a letter in Brixton when I was on remand.
I've still got it I always keep it by me because I still can't believe it.
Remember, he sent me this 2 days before the trial.
"My dear Fletcher," It's good, this.
"My staff and I shall work with the utmost vigour in refuting the charges against you.
"Investigators will unearth evidence and testimony.
"Researchers will collate facts, on which I shall build a defence, "which will leave no stone unturned, no avenue unexplored, "and which will culminate in your justifiable release.
"Meantime, proceed with your escape plan.
" I'm not happy with these proceedings.
We're all in the nick.
Who's happy? Know what I mean? Here's the accused.
Is he under escort? Yeah.
Black Jock's got him in a half-nelson! Sit down.
Silence in court.
What? We are here to pursue justice - and find you guilty! Please! What? None of us heard that.
Or if we did - forget it! What is this? You're guilty.
Of what? A watch is missing - and you are the suspect.
Why me? Otherwise it's us three! Noaaagh! I must protest.
Stay out of this, Your Honour.
We'll give you a fair trial.
We've got a judge with a long, but slightly blemished, record.
We've got a witness.
Who? Me! I'm prosecuting.
But you WILL be defended - by Warren.
- Warren? - What's wrong with that? He's illiterate.
Shut up! Can't I speak? No! If you're innocent, why worry? I'm worried 'cos HE'S defending me! I didn't offer.
I don't LIKE you! Did you hear that? He doesn't have to like you to defend you.
Our counsels didn't like US.
Good point.
How do you plead? Guilty or Fletcher! Sorry.
Be my guest Guilty or Not Guilty? Not Guilty! A liar as well as a thief, eh? - Objection! - Go on.
What IS your objection? I don't know.
Because he called me a liar! No.
We ALL know you're a liar! We'll forget that remark.
This is getting out of hand.
I'll now call my one and only witness for the prosecution - Leonard Arthur Godber.
I promise to tell Never mind! Just give us your idea of the events of last night.
Judge Rawley took his watch off prior to going to the showers.
I was in our cell making a model aeroplane.
Not so fast, Mr Godber.
Hurry up! Harris came in, then Mr Fletcher and the defending counsel came in, and told the accused to naff off.
Which I did.
Yeah.
Then the watch was found missing! Counsel for the Defence.
Warren.
- Do you wish to cross-examine? - Pardon? Do you wish to ask questions? I were there.
I know what happened.
This isn't justice! Aaaagh! Let him speak.
Thank you, Judge.
Well, you know as well as I do, that this is a mockery! They all know it's only hearsay.
Where your proof? The evidence? ARGUMENT BREAKS OUT I agree with him.
One man's word against another's does not constitute legal evidence.
This case would not stand up in a Court of Law - upon which these proceedings are supposedly modelled.
In the absence of evidence, I am forced to dismiss the accused.
Thank you.
Hang about! Whose side are you on? I'm sorry, Fletcher, YOU insisted on a proper enquiry.
Eh, Judge, would a signed confession help? Do we have one? I'll soon get one! Help! Now Stay out of this, Your Honour.
We don't want any trouble, do we? Just go and get the watch back from wherever you stashed it.
If you don't, the consequences are too dire to contemplate! Am I definitely Not Guilty? Yes.
All right, I'll go and get it.
See! Aye, aye! Hello, Fletch.
Finished! Nice! How're you going to get it into the bottle? I'm going to hang it up.
When I was a lad, me dad used to make planes for me.
That's how I knew what shape to make this - me dad told me.
Pity he didn't tell you what shape Rita Hayworth was! He didn't talk about women.
He wasn't a bit, you know? Like "Who's pinched me lino?" He didn't know they existed.
Where's the Judge? He was called to see the Governor.
What about? We'll have to wait.
Think he'll tell about our court? No.
He knows that we look after our own.
AND he got his watch back.
Ah, I'm glad you're both here.
I wanted to thank you and tell you that I realise that a lot of what you say is true.
There is one law for the oppressed, and another for the powerful.
The poor suffer, while the rich get off with clever lawyers.
I shall remember that when I leave.
Which won't be for some time! No! I'm going out TONIGHT.
Going out? Yes.
Your appeal's come through? Certainly.
I AM rich and powerful.
I HAVE clever lawyers.
Owwww! Right, men! Fletcher, Godber The Governor has kindly allowed Mr Rowley to bid you farewell.
It's MISTER now.
Yes.
The appeal court judges cleared him and they are men of the highest integrity.
He's one of them! Precisely! And he's innocent - which proves my point! Hey Get out of that! As brief as possible, please.
Well, gentlemen, I just wanted to say goodbye, and to promise you something.
Whatever I can do to improve the system, I shall do.
It's been a frightening experience, but thanks to you, a rewarding one.
You got a break We don't hold that against you.
Thank you.
Behave yourself.
We don't want to see you back! Goodbye, BunnyJock.
There's just one more thing.
Fletch, I'd like you to have this.
No.
There's no need for that.
Only reason we're allowed watches is so we see how slowly time goes.
You could trade it.
It's valuable.
Well, thanks very much, then! Time's up, Mr Rowley.
Mustn't keep the driver waiting.
He'll be wanting his tea.
Well, once again, goodbyemy friends.
When we get out, we'll come and visit you.
Yeah! Bring our wives to meet YOUR wife.
Really? CHORUS OF "YES" That'll beawfullynice.
Off he goes - free as a bird.
And free to find himself a bird! While we stay here vegetating.
True.
But I think we've all gained something as a result of his stay.
YOU have.
You've gained his watch.
The trial was a waste of time.
Not in MY case, Bunny.
In MY case, I have gained time! In the shape of this genuine, 17-jewelled, gold-plated watch Hang on! Where's that Harris? There's no bleedin' works in it!
'You are a habitual criminal who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard, 'and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same casual manner.
'We therefore commit you to the maximum term allowed.
You will go to prison for 5 years.
' What do YOU want, Warren? How did you know it was me? Rear view mirror! What do you want? I need a letter written.
How long you been here? 10 months.
Shouldn't you have taken advantage of the educational facilities? I'm not illiterate, Fletch.
Oh, sorry, I thought you were.
I suffer from DYSLEXIA.
You don't know what it means.
It's some sort of acid stomach.
What's it got to do with writing? Dyslexia is word blindness.
The words get jumbled up in me head.
There's plenty of room! If they'd found it out years ago, I wouldn't be here.
Here we go! The hard luck story.
It's true! I couldn't read the sign.
What sign? "Warning - Burglar Alarm.
" Like Charlie Gill.
He's deaf, he didn't hear the dog.
He's short of hearing? He's short of more than that since the dog got him.
I'll come back later.
It's all right, I'll do it.
Usual rates.
Half a snout a page.
No.
I weren't going to ask YOU.
What? I were going to ask your new celly, Judge Rawley.
WHY? He's a judge.
Educated man.
Oxford.
Public school.
I see! You're going to dispense with my literary services.
I thought he'd be the best person for the job.
Letter writing is an art.
What sort of letter will HE write? "My dear Elaine, I am in receipt of yours of the 6th ult, wherebeit I, the undersigned" I mean, what do you want to do, woo her or sue her? I just thought You thought wrong.
Letter writing is a creative art.
Look, this is what I'M writing to my nearest and dearest.
Seeread that Oh, you can't.
"My darling, though we have been driven apart by cruel fate, "and a misdirection of a jury by a biased judge, who is now sharing a cell with me, "I know that our love transcends these grey, grim walls.
"You are with me in my heart, "and this helps me to wring a few drops of comfort from the limp, damp towel of life.
"Kiss the baby for me.
Your own Norman.
" That's beautiful, Fletch.
Yeah, well Will you do a letter for me, when you've got a moment? When I got a moment, yeah.
But I'll have to finish this one and send it.
.
Then I've to write to the wife! Good afternoon, Warren.
Your Honour.
He is NOT a "Your Honour.
" He is an EX "Your Honour.
" He's been de-benched, de-wigged.
He's pending appeal.
That little matter you raised I'll speak to you later.
Thank you, Judge.
See you, Fletch.
I see! He's been raising things, has he? WHAT little matter? Something to do with his sister's tenancy of her council house.
Oh, setting up shop? Excuse me? "Judge Rawley.
Open for business.
" What are you charging? Nothing.
That's daft.
If you've got any expertise that's in demand, then you want to sell it.
Any philanthropic gestures will be taken as a sign of weakness.
I hadn't realised.
I'll work out a scale of charges, and we'll split it 50 - 50.
I have no intention You will.
I will NOT.
There's 600 men in this nick, and they've all got a legal gripe.
We've got an ex-solicitor, but he only does mortgages - and there's not a great deal of call for that in here! The one thing we ARE certain of is that we'll always have a roof over our heads.
Listen, all the homosexuals in here are forming a movement.
It's called "Equal Rights for Poofters.
" You could represent them.
Queen's Counsel, ain't you? I am not hawking my legal expertise.
I'll do the hawking, you just dispense.
Out of the question.
I'm waiting to hear the result of my appeal.
Within a month I could be back on the bench.
One has to preserve one's integrity.
Integrity, is it? I admire your high moral tone, despite the fact you so recently disgraced your profession.
Look, you're inside now.
It's a jungle in here.
You're lucky to be sharing a cell with King Kong! Know what I mean?! Pooh! Is that you, Harris? Me what? That pong.
There's a reason for this pong.
I hope so.
Is it curable? They've put me back on the farm.
That's good.
Exercisefresh air Fresh air? I'm swilling out the flamin' pigs! And you know WHY.
You and pigs, that makes sense.
Watch your lip, Godber.
Can't see it from here! I'm back on the farm because they're re-jigging the jobs to accommodate your naffing V.
I.
P.
Judge Rawley? Yeah.
He got a clerk's job.
Don't you get outside trips? Oh, yeah(!) Today I had a trip out in the back of the pig van.
It hadn't been cleaned out for weeks.
I was slipping all over the place.
Go and have a bath.
This is what I smell like AFTER a bath! Oh, I was forgetting the highlight! I caught a glimpse of a woman.
A female woman? What was she like? Prison does funny things to a man.
I've never been turned on by a 15 stone pig-breeder before! What do YOU want? Social call.
What a smell! They've put me back on the pig farm.
The pigs held a protest march.
Still, better than aeroplane glue.
I like the smell.
It reminds me of home.
Born on a farm? No.
Naff off.
It smells like a Turkish restaurant on a Monday morning.
If this cell smells, it's because of His Worship.
How can you live with him? Naff off, Harris.
We'll have him.
In the end, we'll have him! Get out! Go on! Pooh! Nurk! Where's me aerofix? Oh, here it is.
You're always leaving it in silly places.
I sat on it.
I had to be prised out of me underpants.
Talk about a stiff upper-lip! Let's have me letter.
Let's see the snout.
There What's that? That's cheating! Who rolls them for you? Twiggy? Good job it's a short letter.
Is it good? Fantastic.
As long as Elaine likes it.
There was a Rita Hayworth film on last night.
"Fire Down Below.
" That's how Elaine will feel! Let's have a look.
Read it for me.
Who's Rita Hayworth? Gawd! You're ignorant.
No.
Just young.
Your generation missed out.
Who've YOU got? Joan Bakewell and Janet Street-Porter.
I like East European gymnasts.
I'm talking about REAL women.
Rhonda FlemingVirginia Mayo and top of the pile has always been my beautiful Rita.
Is she your favourite? Yeah.
Is that why you put "Dear Rita"? Yeah! Eh? I haven't, have I? Give it here.
Where's my pen? Elaine will think I've got a Rita on my mind.
She'll get jealous.
No, she won't.
I've crossed it out and put Errol Flynn.
Want me to read it to you? Yes.
Right.
"Dear Errol Flynn" Good evening, Your Grace.
I've just met that middle-aged Teddy Boy.
Harris.
Most abusive.
He's all wind and water.
He's in here for snatching an old age pensioner's handbag.
He never! He tried to but she kept hitting him with the bag.
That subdued him? Not half! It had a brick in it! She was going to a smash and grab! Don't worry.
He threatened me.
Don't worry.
We'll back you up.
We'll see you all right.
You already have.
And I should like to say how very grateful I am.
I mean, you men have every right to despise me.
Especially you, Fletch, since I sent you here.
But you've shown me only kindness and compassion.
I feel a bond with you men.
I know it's been forged in adversity, but I think it will remain with me for the rest of my life.
Don't start that.
Otherwise we'll forget our scruples and start liking you! A few months ago, I wouldn't so much as TALK to you.
Now I respect you.
I TRUST you.
Do you mean that? Most sincerely.
Just a minute.
All right! Which one of you stole my watch? WHAT? My watch has gone.
What about all this sincere trust? That was before you stole my watch! You'd better back off, mate.
We don't rip each other off.
We're mates.
We have a code.
Yes.
But I'm still an outsider.
True.
Give him his watch.
I'm not a petty thief.
Give him his watch, Warren.
I haven't got his naffing watch! I only came for me letter Look, Judge, we trust each other.
Now, give him his watch, Fletch.
Talk to me like that, Godber, and I'll Sorry! One should never make accusations without firm evidence.
It never bothered the law before.
What? I swear to you, my watch was there before I went for a shower.
Aha! Harris.
Harris! How long was he here? Long enough.
Well, come on then Wait, wait! He'll have stashed it by now.
BELL RINGS Lock-up.
I'll have to go.
Should I not say anything? No, Warren.
Me and the Judge will discuss the possibility of further proceedings.
JUDGE RAWLEY: We can't take the law into our own hands! I'll report the theft.
Look, in here we look after our own, all right? We're going to have a civilised investigation, that's all.
And we happen to have a guest judge.
What? You know your law, don't ya? Me? Preside at the hearing? A trial.
Have we enough to go on? Yeah.
Harris's reputation.
Do we KNOW he's a known thief? Don't ask.
You might prejudice your impartiality.
Innocent till proven guilty.
Of course.
The least I know about Harris, the better.
Yes.
He'd steal his Granny's wintergreen! Oops! Strike that from the record.
Are you going to prosecute? Yeah.
Do you know about legal procedure? I've been up enough times! It's best to know which laws you're breaking.
I've had enough first-hand experience of counsels.
My last one wasn't so bright - as my presence here indicates! As presiding judge at your trial, I thought your counsel argued well against impossible odds.
Godber! I mean, he was a loser going in.
I don't mean the evidence I mean his attitude.
He sent me a letter in Brixton when I was on remand.
I've still got it I always keep it by me because I still can't believe it.
Remember, he sent me this 2 days before the trial.
"My dear Fletcher," It's good, this.
"My staff and I shall work with the utmost vigour in refuting the charges against you.
"Investigators will unearth evidence and testimony.
"Researchers will collate facts, on which I shall build a defence, "which will leave no stone unturned, no avenue unexplored, "and which will culminate in your justifiable release.
"Meantime, proceed with your escape plan.
" I'm not happy with these proceedings.
We're all in the nick.
Who's happy? Know what I mean? Here's the accused.
Is he under escort? Yeah.
Black Jock's got him in a half-nelson! Sit down.
Silence in court.
What? We are here to pursue justice - and find you guilty! Please! What? None of us heard that.
Or if we did - forget it! What is this? You're guilty.
Of what? A watch is missing - and you are the suspect.
Why me? Otherwise it's us three! Noaaagh! I must protest.
Stay out of this, Your Honour.
We'll give you a fair trial.
We've got a judge with a long, but slightly blemished, record.
We've got a witness.
Who? Me! I'm prosecuting.
But you WILL be defended - by Warren.
- Warren? - What's wrong with that? He's illiterate.
Shut up! Can't I speak? No! If you're innocent, why worry? I'm worried 'cos HE'S defending me! I didn't offer.
I don't LIKE you! Did you hear that? He doesn't have to like you to defend you.
Our counsels didn't like US.
Good point.
How do you plead? Guilty or Fletcher! Sorry.
Be my guest Guilty or Not Guilty? Not Guilty! A liar as well as a thief, eh? - Objection! - Go on.
What IS your objection? I don't know.
Because he called me a liar! No.
We ALL know you're a liar! We'll forget that remark.
This is getting out of hand.
I'll now call my one and only witness for the prosecution - Leonard Arthur Godber.
I promise to tell Never mind! Just give us your idea of the events of last night.
Judge Rawley took his watch off prior to going to the showers.
I was in our cell making a model aeroplane.
Not so fast, Mr Godber.
Hurry up! Harris came in, then Mr Fletcher and the defending counsel came in, and told the accused to naff off.
Which I did.
Yeah.
Then the watch was found missing! Counsel for the Defence.
Warren.
- Do you wish to cross-examine? - Pardon? Do you wish to ask questions? I were there.
I know what happened.
This isn't justice! Aaaagh! Let him speak.
Thank you, Judge.
Well, you know as well as I do, that this is a mockery! They all know it's only hearsay.
Where your proof? The evidence? ARGUMENT BREAKS OUT I agree with him.
One man's word against another's does not constitute legal evidence.
This case would not stand up in a Court of Law - upon which these proceedings are supposedly modelled.
In the absence of evidence, I am forced to dismiss the accused.
Thank you.
Hang about! Whose side are you on? I'm sorry, Fletcher, YOU insisted on a proper enquiry.
Eh, Judge, would a signed confession help? Do we have one? I'll soon get one! Help! Now Stay out of this, Your Honour.
We don't want any trouble, do we? Just go and get the watch back from wherever you stashed it.
If you don't, the consequences are too dire to contemplate! Am I definitely Not Guilty? Yes.
All right, I'll go and get it.
See! Aye, aye! Hello, Fletch.
Finished! Nice! How're you going to get it into the bottle? I'm going to hang it up.
When I was a lad, me dad used to make planes for me.
That's how I knew what shape to make this - me dad told me.
Pity he didn't tell you what shape Rita Hayworth was! He didn't talk about women.
He wasn't a bit, you know? Like "Who's pinched me lino?" He didn't know they existed.
Where's the Judge? He was called to see the Governor.
What about? We'll have to wait.
Think he'll tell about our court? No.
He knows that we look after our own.
AND he got his watch back.
Ah, I'm glad you're both here.
I wanted to thank you and tell you that I realise that a lot of what you say is true.
There is one law for the oppressed, and another for the powerful.
The poor suffer, while the rich get off with clever lawyers.
I shall remember that when I leave.
Which won't be for some time! No! I'm going out TONIGHT.
Going out? Yes.
Your appeal's come through? Certainly.
I AM rich and powerful.
I HAVE clever lawyers.
Owwww! Right, men! Fletcher, Godber The Governor has kindly allowed Mr Rowley to bid you farewell.
It's MISTER now.
Yes.
The appeal court judges cleared him and they are men of the highest integrity.
He's one of them! Precisely! And he's innocent - which proves my point! Hey Get out of that! As brief as possible, please.
Well, gentlemen, I just wanted to say goodbye, and to promise you something.
Whatever I can do to improve the system, I shall do.
It's been a frightening experience, but thanks to you, a rewarding one.
You got a break We don't hold that against you.
Thank you.
Behave yourself.
We don't want to see you back! Goodbye, BunnyJock.
There's just one more thing.
Fletch, I'd like you to have this.
No.
There's no need for that.
Only reason we're allowed watches is so we see how slowly time goes.
You could trade it.
It's valuable.
Well, thanks very much, then! Time's up, Mr Rowley.
Mustn't keep the driver waiting.
He'll be wanting his tea.
Well, once again, goodbyemy friends.
When we get out, we'll come and visit you.
Yeah! Bring our wives to meet YOUR wife.
Really? CHORUS OF "YES" That'll beawfullynice.
Off he goes - free as a bird.
And free to find himself a bird! While we stay here vegetating.
True.
But I think we've all gained something as a result of his stay.
YOU have.
You've gained his watch.
The trial was a waste of time.
Not in MY case, Bunny.
In MY case, I have gained time! In the shape of this genuine, 17-jewelled, gold-plated watch Hang on! Where's that Harris? There's no bleedin' works in it!