Psych Episode Scripts

N/A - If You're So Smart, Then Why Are You Dead?

I'm still waiting, Shawn.
Okay, I'm gonna take your pointy, sad-faced guy for my horsey guy.
Stop, stop.
What is this piece called? I call him Dwight.
- What is this one called? - B.
Look, Shawn, if you're gonna play this game, you're gonna have to learn what the pieces are called.
What if I don't wanna play this game? Chess is important.
It's about strategy.
It's about anticipating your opponent's next moves.
- This game is an allegory for life.
- An alle-what? Look, when you're on the force, you're gonna have to take in huge amounts of information.
Alibis, motives, witness statements.
And trust me.
If you wanna win, this is not stuff that you're gonna make up as you go.
Do you understand? And I want you to focus and get serious.
What? What are you trying to say? - I can't remember what it's called.
- What did I just Never mind.
I remember.
Bye, dad.
- Tell me.
Is he cheating on me? - Jury's still out.
Do you have something that he's touched recently? I have the receipt from lunch.
I'm sensing that he always takes you out for lunch.
That he never pays with a credit card.
Always cash.
- That's right.
- I'm also sensing that you can only call him at the office or on his cell phone.
- Never, ever at home? - That's dead on.
You must get goosebumps being around him.
- Oh, I get something.
- Daphne, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is he's not seeing someone else.
The bad news - He's married.
- What? Are you sure? Just tell him a friend told you he was married and his face will tell you the rest.
But when the mourning period is over, this is my friend Gus's card.
He's a good listener, and he's willing to change everything about himself for a girl.
Shawn, I do not no, no.
You keep that.
Shawn, we've reached a certain level of success.
If you wanna keep doing these "is my boyfriend cheating on me" cases, you're gonna have to do them without me.
Gus, you continue to underestimate me.
I'll have you know that right now, as we speak, we're on our way to the office to meet with two gentlemen named Shockley and Goddard - who have a very big case for us.
- So what are we talkin'? Robbery? Missing persons? They want us to look into the serious matter of Well, that actually wasn't in the e-mail.
- So how do you know it was real? - They used all caps, Gus.
- The meeting's at 2:00.
We better hurry.
- It's 2:18.
Well, somebody had to have the Belgian chocolate fondue.
Didn't they? That was you, Shawn.
Well played, sir.
Just let me do the talking.
I don't want you to scare them off with your non sequitur ridiculousness.
Please tell me you're not Mr.
Shockley and Mr.
# I know you know # # that I'm not telling the truth # # I know you know # # they just don't have any proof # # embrace the deception? # # learn how to bend # # your worst inhibitions # # tend to psych you out in the end # Okay, before one of us goes all crazy and demands the other one apologize for taking a case from a couple grade schoolers, let's just hear them out.
- What can we do for you, gentlemen? - One of our teachers is a murderer.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
Please, continue.
- He's killed before.
And in two days, he's gonna kill again.
And the cops don't listen to us 'cause we're kids.
Okay, well, since we're here, and we don't have another meeting for A week, which one of your teachers is going to do this terrible thing? - We don't know.
- Who's been murdered? - We don't know.
- Who's the next victim? - We don't know.
- Perfect.
I have no more questions.
- Shawn.
- I got nothing.
- Can we just start from the top? - Yes.
That's a great idea.
Well, Shock and I go to Meitner, and The Meitner school for gifted students? - These kids are geniuses.
- Technically, near genius.
The school has some pretty cool stuff.
So we broke in late at night.
Say no more.
- Fight club.
- No, to hack into a space probe and see if we could get it to blink a word in old morse code.
Which word? - Boobs.
- Boobs.
You went from all that trouble just to get some nasa techs - to scratch their heads? - Yeah.
- Come on, Gus.
That's kinda funny.
- While reconfiguring the receiver, we accidentally tapped into a cell phone call being made from the Meitner campus.
It was staticky.
But we heard a deep, gravelly voice talking to their cousin.
- Someone named Muriel.
- And you want us to figure out why someone would name their kid Muriel? The voice said something like, "I'm not gonna be pushed into a corner again.
" are you sure it wasn't dirty dancing? And then we also heard verbatim "if I have to, I'll kill him.
"It won't be my first time.
By wednesday, he's a goner.
" A goner? It may have been James Cagney.
Shawn, can I have a minute? We're taking this case.
You want to take this case? It's a chance to go undercover in high school a la 21 Jump Street.
Obviously, I'm Johnny Depp.
Sadly, you can only pass for Holly Robinson.
Why can't I be Richard Grieco? Why would you want to be Richard Grieco? Isn't this the part where you say, "there ain't no case here, Shawn.
" just a couple kids crying wolf.
I don't sound like Richard Roundtree, Shawn.
- Why are you so eager? - Same as you.
I was a king in high school.
Just because you carried a scepter doesn't make you a king.
- That's because I was In Macbeth.
- Dude, you played banquo's kid.
You guys, can you help us? Is a lizard's skin dry and cracked? We believe that it is.
Guess what today is.
It's not one of those touchy-feely holidays invented by card companies to goad me into buying a present for somebody I couldn't care less about, is it? - No, today's our anniversary.
- Come again? It's been one year to the day that I came to Santa Barbara and we got partnered up.
- I didn't get you a present.
- I don't want a present.
That's what all women say.
But believe me, deep down, you want a present.
My soon-to-be ex-wife always hated what I gave her.
- What did you give her? - Cash, mostly.
Anyway, this anniversary means that my one-year probation period is over.
So what I want, that is, what would be good, what I'm trying to say is I think I'm entitled to be primary on a case.
How late are the shops open tonight? Chief Vick says molding young officers is your duty.
And she's already approved this.
Now give me a case.
Let's see.
That's a bit messy for your first time.
Hi-tech burglary.
You need a lot of forensics for that one.
Bake sale slap fight.
Seems easy, but believe me, I worked one once.
- Had to call in S.
- Oh, come on.
All right.
Couple kids came in complaing about one of the teachers.
Are you sure there's nothing of lower priority for me to handle? Lesson number one, O'Hara.
There are no small cases, only small detectives.
Let's roll.
Ah, high school.
You know, I've always wanted to prove that one of our teachers was a monster.
You remember our freshman music teacher, Mrs.
Jorgenstorm? - She was a nightbreed.
- She was not.
- She used to date Craig Sheffer.
- She did not.
She wore a ton of make-up and lived in a cemetery.
- Next to a cemetery.
- So she claimed.
If I remember correctly, you were always too afraid to follow her home.
- So any leads yet? - Hold it there, Doogie.
First things first.
Where do I get a juice box? - And does it come in grape-a-licious? - Shouldn't you be doing psychic stuff? Someone could be killed in the next If you're so smart, why don't you solve the thing? Midterms? Duh.
I need to maintain my G.
to keep my scholarship stipend.
All right, all right, all right.
Clearly, we have to get inside.
What's our cover gonna be? Wait, I've got it.
You're the preppy jerk who's dating the girl I'm in love with.
I'm the lonely cafeteria guy who mows lawns and has a heart of gold.
Let it go, Shawn.
You can't pass for a teenager.
Yeah, he's right.
You got rhytids around the eyes.
- What did he just say to me? - Crow's feet.
Do you squint or make funny faces a lot? You guys are all nuts.
If I grew my hair out, raised my voice an octave, I could Stop, Shawn.
I've already worked it out.
We're documentarians working on a new film called "Teeniuses in the mix".
- Teeniuses? - Yes.
Really, dude? You've got Teeniuses right on the tip of your tongue? - In the mix.
- We already got your cover story.
Personally, I'm not sure that I see the merits of a class in paranormal studies, but we do let the students choose one guest instructor a semester.
Everett Koop was crushed that he didn't get it.
What is this? Like a study hall? Oh, no.
Does it Smell Like Teen Spirit in here? So tell me, Headmaster, can a former applicant request his or her file? Oh, no.
Why? Oh, for the general public's general welfare.
You know, generally.
Debbie will give you the forms you'll need to sign.
- An application, Gus? - Just curious.
You applied to this school back in the day.
Didn't you? - And you didn't tell me about it.
- Who can remember that far back? W-whoa, is that why you cried for a month when we were ten? Because they rejected you? Get down.
Excuse me.
Lesson number two.
Cops don't wait in line.
They go straight to the front.
Even at Starbucks.
Can I please get the class schedules for these students? Thank you.
Lesson number three.
Don't say "please", don't say "thank you," and definitely don't say "hi.
" Spirit Squad auditions were over ten years ago.
You're an authority figure.
Act like it.
Ever heard "you catch more flies with honey"? Lesson number four.
Don't quote cornpone country bumpkin sayings to your commanding officer.
- How many lessons are there? - 638.
Welcome to the Meitner school for gifted children.
- How may we It's a miracle.
- Thank God, you're all right.
We heard a cop named Lassie died.
Jules, tell me you got the flowers.
Lassie three was a retired police dog.
From the obit, it's amazing what you two had in common.
- Strong, dedicated, loyal.
- Bouts with ringworm.
Expressive eyes.
Goes like this after he poops.
Seriously, are you guys working my case? Case? What case? No, no, no, no.
They've been after me for a while to teach a class.
What do we say? Oh! Right.
Stay out of our way and don't get involved, Spencer.
This place is overwhelming.
Where do we even start? Easy.
Who were the eyes and ears of Dufman elementary? Mr.
Graves, the custodian.
We had a special bond.
Custodians have access to the building at night.
He could be our bad guy.
If he has a deep and gravelly voice, he's el suspecto primero.
How you doing? I'm mopping up vomit.
How do you think I'm doing? By the way, those mats in front of the doors are to rub your shoes on.
Thanks for the extra work.
Sorry about that.
Uh, I'm Shawn Spencer, psychic lecturer.
And I sense that something is amiss in your universe.
- Yeah, my lumbago's flaring up.
- Nope, not that.
Something a little more out of the ordinary Something anything? Can't you just tell me what you're looking for? Did something happen here on Friday night? - Nope.
Nothing springs to mind.
- I can sense you're lying.
The spirits tell me that your little pants are on fire.
I found this weird gold pin when I had to work late Friday night.
When I mopped this area, no pin.
But when I circled back to wax, there it was.
So you're saying it got here in the middle of the night? Who do I look like? Jake and the fatman? All I know is that after two weeks in the lost and found, it's mine.
Where is this lost and found? Who loses a microscope and doesn't come looking for it? Ear infection medicines.
What appears to be 168 pairs of hideous eyeglasses.
Apparently, our perp is so sexy, he felt the need.
to die cast it onto steel and wear it on his lapel.
That's not an s.
That's the integral sign in calculus for the area under the curve xy.
Whoever was skulking around here after hours must be a math teacher.
How many math teachers work here? Four or five tops? It's all right.
I have a plan.
It's a scary one.
We'll have to rely on all our animal instincts.
We are going to the teachers' lounge.
Try to blend in.
Act natural.
How 'bout these kids today, huh? Oh, my god, look at this selection of donuts.
This is pathetic.
Who left a tenth? I wanna know how that makes sense.
- You - Shawn, focus.
Math teacher.
- There's no math teachers here.
- How do you know? That guy's been wearing goggles.
He's clearly a chem lab teacher.
Violin hickey.
Music teacher.
However, a gym teacher could be more our speed.
Hey, buddy.
Uh, we're new here.
And we were told to see a math teacher specializing in calculus.
Professor Hahn handles all remedial math.
That qualifies as remedial.
What's calculus? The one with the blocks and the shapes? - Do you know where we can find him? - You can catch him at the end of the day.
- He's in my carpool.
- Sweet! Gus, this school has a carpool.
- Answer to our prayers.
- Why? Gus managed to get his car impounded.
He parked on a statue.
- I'm contesting the ticket.
- Here's the thing.
We had to take the bus to school today.
I accidentally gave myself a wedgy.
Gus had to sit next to the girl who peed.
Why are you telling me all of this? I thought it seemed obvious.
Can we get a lift home? So must be fun being a gym teacher.
You get to play sports all day.
I teach gym at a school full of prodigy nerds.
I start off my day by getting 300 notes excusing kids from gym class because of rickets or IBS.
I tossed a ball at a student once.
He wet his pants.
And his parents filed a civil suit against me.
Professor Hahn.
Math teacher, right? Yes.
Are you the new psychic lecturer? That I am.
I'm getting a feeling about you.
Are you a right said Fred fan? - Are you too sexy for your shirt? - Excuse me.
I'm sensing you're so sexy it hurts.
How'd you find that? Hey, moron.
Right up here.
I'm sensing Riley may have forgotten because you didn't use the carpool last Friday.
Wow, that's right.
I stayed late.
Okay, right here.
Stop right here.
Deep voice.
Missed the carpool on Friday.
Sounds like our guy.
Now we've just gotta figure out why and how he's gonna kill somebody.
And one more thing.
If you are late picking me up in the morning, I will tear your head off.
Maybe just the how.
Are you prepared for your psychic seminar? Gus, please.
Any leads? I'm adapting this into a Nancy Drew fanfic.
I believe whoever's involved is in the vicinity.
We made notes for you.
Bullet points you might wanna try to hit.
- Don't show any fear.
- Don't split any infinitives.
- Don't dangle your participles.
- At least not in public.
Look, if I understood what you guys were saying, I'd still be a virgin.
Now, run along.
Go to class.
Really? Hahn is here.
The seminar's open to both students and teachers, Gus.
I personally extended Hahn an invitation so I can grill him in front of a live studio audience.
If he's killed before, I'll get him to confess.
How're you gonna interrogate someone and teach a class at the same time? First the carrot, then the stick.
You don't even know what that means, do you? Leave me alone.
The physics of psychics.
I'm professor Shawn Spencer.
I will be your psychic ferryman over the river Styx.
That's Gus.
My ferry.
- Hello.
- Each one of us is born with a kernel of what I like to dub paranormalevolance.
I, however, was born with an extra normal amount.
Two cops to be exact.
Allow me to demonstrate.
Congratulations on getting your braces removed.
That doesn't mean you're psychic.
Maybe you're just hyper-observant.
You wear that white sweatshirt everyday.
Shall I tell the class why? You.
You, young man.
A little aloe will do wonders for that combination skin.
And perhaps you should use more care while shaving.
Or, just wait until you can grow facial hair altogether.
You could've just smelled my aftershave on the way in.
How 'bout a real test? I'll write the answer on the board.
And I'll tell you the question.
Have at it, young Trebek.
- Trebek, I said.
- This is jeopardy! - Potent potables.
- Questions that start with p.
The smartass who thinks he's gonna make me look silly.
Who is this guy? Your negativity is really impeding my psychic ability.
- Or you're just a big fraud.
- Go to the principal's office.
- Wait a sec.
- Get out of here, go.
Go, get out of here.
Get out of here.
None of you should be friends with him.
Professor Hahn.
I'm getting something from you.
A kind of darkness.
I see you clearly.
With a target.
I shop at Target.
Sure, but, but, I I see you on a cell phone with your cousin.
Plotting, planning.
Something secret.
Yes, I've been planning a Surprise party for my sister-in-law.
She's impossible to surprise.
That's amazing.
Yeah, well, if she's gonna have puppies, she's gonna have puppies.
There's nothing we can do about it.
Look, if you had her fixed like I - Do you need something? - Yes, actually.
- Well? - Well, what? Well, order me off the phone.
You need me to work, and I'm wasting time.
That's a nice touch.
I've been reviewing the statement we took from the kids on campus.
They said whoever this teacher is, he's already killed once, and he's going to kill again.
- Right.
- Right.
It strikes me that it's difficult to solve a crime that hasn't happened yet, so why don't we focus our attention on the murder that already has? - Makes sense.
- Great.
These are the case files for every unsolved homicide in the Santa Barbara area over the last five years.
Lot of paper cuts there.
- Have fun.
- No I need you to review these and tell me if there are any connections with the Meitner faculty.
Yeah I'm not gonna do that.
You delegate this background stuff all the time.
To me, usually.
Almost always when I have dinner plans.
Now Go through these with a fine-tooth comb and tell me what you find.
- If it's not too much trouble.
- O'Hara, you are drunk with power.
I know! Isn't it great? And that amazing demonstration is phsysics at work.
It's like thinking of a song, and then, bam! It's the next tune on the radio.
Or Or that moment when you know it's right to kiss a girl.
That's when you use the power.
Professor Hahn.
- I'm still sensing something from - Um, professor? Call me sensel.
- How can we harness - Uh, uh, uh.
- Sensel.
- Yes.
How can we harness this power to help us um Kiss girls? I'll take it from here, Shawn.
Oh, I don't know, Gus.
Now may not be the time to impede their psycho-sexual development.
Well, maybe you've forgotten that I was the one who took the hottest girl in school to the prom.
That's because I told her you were dying.
Otherwise, I would have had to pay for the limo myself.
Let me take this, please.
Gus, my ferry.
Thank you, Shawn.
Now, kissing someone for the first time can be tricky business.
I like to employ the Kadeem Hardison method.
When you're on a date Uh, uh, I can sense a question forming in all of your minds.
If it's "who is Kadeem Hardison?", or "how do we ask someone on a date?" put 'em down.
Listen, it's not your fault.
Just look at this class.
You're all a bunch of dudes.
Um, we're girls.
That's awkward.
I'll cover all the dating stuff in my next seminar.
"Puberty : Monster or misunderstood friend?" That kid I sent to the office had some weird zit cream on.
Professor Enrico.
Burton Guster.
You interviewed me for admission? - Math prodigy.
- I interview people all the time.
Was this recently? Semi-recent.
But I tap-danced in trochaic tetrameter.
- Made you wanna cry.
- That rings a bell.
So Visiting the old alma mater? - No, I went to public school.
- Really? Could've sworn I recommended admission.
Either way, I assume a person with your skills ended up at JPL or some kind of think tank? Actually, I ended up in pharmaceuticals.
You know Curing stuff.
Well, keep up the good work.
Thank you.
You didn't even mention Magic head.
Guys, we're freaking out.
We're pretty sure professor Hahn is our guy.
- So turn him in to the cops.
- Not without proof.
- Know anything about him? - The only time we see him is when he gets his espresso in the morning before homeroom.
- There's an espresso bar here on campus? - Wait! Wasn't Hahn involved in that thing? You remember that thing? - The thing with the other thing? - No, no.
Just the first thing from five years ago.
When the student attacked the professor? Oh, yeah, that could've been Hahn.
Some student attacked Hahn and he made sure the Headmaster expelled him.
Who's the student that attacked him? According to the school computers, the only kid to be expelled in the last ten years was a Lester Baekeland.
What are you doing? Getting the plague, apparently.
Babcock, Babette, Battra something Baekeland.
I can see why you wanted to go here, Gus.
They keep meticulous records of everything just like you.
Expelled for cheating.
Dude, there's a transcript of his hearing.
- What does it say? - The kid claimed Hahn busted him for cheating Then tried to extort his scholarship money from him to stay quiet.
Hahn denies it.
Headmaster, of course, sides with the teacher.
The kid gets expelled.
That means Hahn is a blackmailer.
Maybe he threatened the wrong person this time.
Gus? Gus.
I got in.
I applied, and I got in.
That means a lot, buddy.
You'd rather stay with your best friend than - You know, have a future.
- No, Shawn.
It says, "parents of applicant refused admission.
" if I'd known I'd gotten in, I would've been ghost.
This place has a direct line to the ivy league.
- Why would my parents turn it down? - I don't know - Maybe it was just too expensive.
- I could've gotten financial aid, Shawn.
Half the kids here are on scholarships with stipends.
Can we not obsess about this right now? We do have a murder to prevent.
I'm not obsessing, Shawn.
I just found out that the course of my life may have been changed by my parents.
- You've seen sliding doors.
- I most certainly have not.
- Yes, you did.
- Dude, I have not seen sliding doors.
It was me, you, and Missy Isaacs.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about a Gwyneth Paltrow vehicle that I know I never saw.
I know you're home.
This is my fifth message.
Call me back.
They're just screening my calls until I've let this go.
But it's not gonna happen.
Gus, let's face it.
Your parents thought splitting us up at a young age was a mistake.
And I can't say I blame them.
For a while, I was your only friend that wasn't imaginary or an action figure of some kind.
Shawn, if anything, my parents wanted me to stay in public school so that I would stand out compared to people like you.
- Yeah.
No holes in that theory.
- I don't know which is worse.
My parents dodging my calls, or you volunteering me to pick up a murderer first thing in the morning.
Dude, it is your turn to drive the carpool.
What's our plan? Today is murder day.
Speaking of murder day, is that really what you're wearing? Shawn, in about two minutes, we're gonna be in a confined space with a killer.
Please tell me you have a good reason.
Of course I have a good reason, Gus.
This time, it'll be just you, me, and him, and I will totally break him down.
That's Hahn's house.
Or Maybe it'll just be you and me.
Well, according to our arson investigator, here is our murderer.
Apparently, there was a slight gas leak in the stove.
Overnight, the room fills with natural gas, the coffee pot clicks on in the morning, there's a spark, and ka-boom.
No, I'm sensing it was definitely more of a ka-blam.
- So you're saying this was an accident? - Arson investigator says there's no sign of foul play.
The only time we see him is when he gets his espresso in the morning before homeroom.
Wait, I'm having a vision.
Hahn preferred Italian coffee.
Why would he be brewing coffee here if he was gonna get his fix in the morning at school? I'm sensing our killer brought the coffee machine here and used it as a detonator after creating the gas leak.
What killer, Spencer? - Our expert says it's an accident.
- I say murder.
It's what drew me to this wretched place.
Talk to the girl who makes the espresso.
I usually don't do this, but I have a strong sense she'll back this up.
Hahn had a cup first thing every morning.
What do you call those coffee people? They're not - Cashiers.
They're not waitresses.
- Barista.
Gus, if you don't know the answer, don't make up words.
Dude, Hahn was broke.
No wonder he's a blackmailer.
The due date for the payment is the same as murder day.
Coincidence? I think not.
It was staticky.
But we heard a deep, gravelly voice talking to their cousin.
Someone named Muriel.
We are so on this case now.
It's your call, O'Hara.
Either it's an accident and we're done, or it's a homicide, and there's a killer on the loose.
I don't buy this accident angle for a second.
Those kids practically said this would happen.
Let's bring them back in for questioning.
If you confess now, name your accomplices, I will let the D.
know that you cooperated and maybe, just maybe, no guarantees.
Just maybe They'll cut you a break.
It's terrible.
- What? - Am I scared? Am I quaking? No, that was what I call : "lower case mad.
" You need to be : "upper case mad.
" Those strange kids are in interrogation B.
Listen, O'Hara.
Given your slightly, pedestrian performance and the fact that this has now jumped to a straight-up homicide - maybe I should take over as lead.
- But, why? It's my case.
Which was fine when it was just kids telling tales, but there are certain nuances involved in a murder investigation which - require a more experienced touch.
- Nuances? The chief says I'll learn by being primary.
- Yeah, but - But what? There was an explosion.
I've never had a case with an explosion before.
I've had assault and burglary cases.
Once I even had a murder by thermometer.
But I never had an explosion.
Come on, haven't you ever pictured yourself trying to out run a fireball down a dark tunnel? No.
Obviously, due to recent events, we are taking a closer look at everything surrounding the school, including the statement you gave to us.
You mean when we predicted someone was going to die today? And they did? - Well, that.
And - Watch your mouth, kid.
Okay, you're not fooling anybody.
We know what's going on here.
What he means is Please tell us again about the phone call you overheard.
Tell us about your relationship with Hahn.
- You little son of a - Lassiter, stop.
They're teenagers.
We're sorry.
Lesson 63.
- Do not apologize to the perp.
- They're not perps.
- You don't know that.
- You two aren't really acquainted with game theory or prisoner's dilemma, are you? He means you two don't really get the good cop bad cop dyad.
- Are you guys, like, together? - No, she's way out of his league.
But no ring.
Given his age, I'm guessing divorced.
- I Wha Sorry.
What? - Still can't talk about it.
So it's relatively recent then? I'm getting separated.
Not divorced.
Did you ever just listen to her problems, - rather than always trying to solve them? - No, you had to be the big tough cop, didn't you? You never let her inside.
See this, Brainiac? This is what's waiting for you when you turn 18.
You're gonna graduate, and get your diploma, and then, bam! We're taking a trip down to the docks.
That doesn't look very intimidating with, uh, you know, the one arm.
When did my house become a daycare center? Dad, you've been bugging me for months to fix your computer.
I finally bring the geek squad in to do it, and now you're gonna give me a hard time? Thank you.
Hahn had someone's juvenile record.
Maybe he dug up something on our killer's past, which means - we have to hack into the juvie database.
- Yeah, I'm with you except for the part about coming to my dad's house.
Well, according to the kids, the hacking may come back to us.
Now the authorities will be led to an antique computer purchased by a former cop.
Can you say wild goose chase? Jeez, this computer is ancient.
I didn't realize Colecovision was still in business.
All right, I'm in.
Muriel juvenile hall slash halfway house.
What am I looking for? I'm sensing our investigation centers on the year 1991.
'91? There's nothing but a bunch of photos here.
Click on the top right.
That's that kid I sent to the principal's office.
Kirk Godel.
Why the hell is a photo from today mixed in with photos from '91? It's not.
This photo was taken 15 years ago.
I'm having a vision.
The man from Snowy River.
Eddie Macon's run.
- Kirk Douglas! - Yes.
See if there's a student named Kirk.
The registrar gave me access to all their files.
It's perfectly normal, you know.
- What is? - The anxiety of being in charge.
I can sense you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.
I just really wanna get this right.
I've got something.
Kirk Godel.
It's almost pronounced like girdle because of the omelet on the "o.
" - Pretty sure that's an umlaut.
- I've heard it both ways.
Let's see.
No juvenile record, only child.
All stats match up with his school records.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
- Let's see what Google says.
- Uh, search it with the word Muriel.
Oh, here's an article from the Muriel County newsletter.
According to this article, Kirk Godel and his parents died five years ago in a car crash.
There should be a death certificate on file, but there's no sign of it.
What the hell is going on? A little aloe will do wonders for that combination skin.
Circle your horses, Jules.
We're about to crack your case like an egg.
And then, we'll make some umlauts.
With shallots.
And justice.
Please take your seats.
Good, I'm glad you're all on time for phsysics two.
The wrath of Khan.
Today's lecture will cover come uppance.
And how to solve a crime in a crowded room.
Someone here is living a lie.
Someone in this room is a ghost-faced killah.
It's not you.
But you have to do something about the hair immediately.
Okay? I'd start now.
Your heart is pure.
I'd say lose the earring, but I actually think he pulls it off.
But you.
Y Why do they always run? Don't they know it makes them look guilty? You need this guy? Thank you, Detective Lassiter.
Have a seat.
- You mind telling us what we're doing here? - Well, as the beautiful, industrious, Detective O'Hara has already gathered You're not the real Kirk Godel, are you? Will the real Kirk Godel please stand up? I don't think that's gonna happen.
You stole the real Kirk Godel's identity so that you could get into this school.
But there's more to this case than stolen identity.
Yes I'm sensing a much darker, diabolical past.
You did a stint in juvie for causing someone's death.
- What, are you, nuts? He's a kid.
- True.
So how could this be possible, class? Time travel.
He cryogenically froze himself - in order to travel to the future.
- No.
He's a clone of the original.
You know what? Just never mind, guys.
Save it for your online role playing.
He's wearing make-up.
- Is he gay? - No.
Well, maybe.
Look, I don't I don't know.
But the reason he's wearing make-up is because he is actually 30, - trying to pass for a teenager.
- 30? - What kind of moisturizer do you use? - Class, I would advise you take notes.
There will be a test on this.
You were always the smartest kid in your class, but with juvie on your record, you couldn't get into college.
Then one day, you read a story about a 15 year old from your hometown who died in a fiery car crash.
And that was the real Kirk Godel.
And you had a light bulb moment.
All your life, people thought you were younger than you looked, so you decided to take advantage of that and hit a huge re-set button on your life.
You forged Kirk's documents.
Then you went online and deleted his death certificate.
A new identity plus your natural intelligence meant you were a cinch to make Meitner.
Now you would graduate from one of the best high schools in the country, get a scholarship to the ivys, and become a young captain of industry.
And it was all rolling along beautifully until Hahn discovered your dirty little secret.
He blackmailed you for your scholarship stipend.
He needed money to make a bank payment by Wednesday, money you weren't willing to pay.
You were so distraught, you called your cousin to vent.
You decided that the only way out was to kill Hahn, and make it look like an accident.
Finally, you hacked in and deleted all records that you were ever in juvie.
Brilliant until the end.
Well, until this Until this last part.
When you got caught.
On the wild line.
Like a salmon.
Pencils down.
Come on.
Cuff him, O'Hara.
Here, use mine.
You've earned it.
Anything else I need to learn? There's one last lesson.
Forget all the other lessons and know that you're a good cop.
You know I'm gonna need those cuffs back, right? Good.
- Martinsdale.
- Macendale.
Jay Macendale.
Once we had the name, it was pretty easy to track the rest.
When he was 15, he stole a car on a dare, accidentally killed a pedestrian.
And that's what got him in juvie.
I can't believe he passed himself off as a teenager for this long.
I don't know, dad.
Slap a wig on you, you're the spitting image of yourself when I was a kid.
What is that supposed to mean? What's his problem? - He finally got a hold of his parents.
- Don't tell me it was too expensive.
My file said I qualified for financial aid.
Quality of life? They have 24-7 slushy machines there.
The lockers are made with teak.
That's the strongest wood.
These pieces look like they're hand-carved, Shawn.
What's with the generosity? I saw you were still using the ratty board with the plastic pieces so I went ahead and shoplifted this for you.
I'm kidding.
I bought it.
Those kid geniuses turned me on to a great IPO.
Now, remember, I win, I get the truck for a week.
All right, how 'bout, I win, you wash the truck for a week? Yeah, I really don't understand what that means.
I'm out there in a pair of jean shorts - Continuously washing the vehicle for a - Shawn Focus Focus.
Too far to drive? You derailed my future because dad hates curvy roads? I could've been the next Wittgenstein.
I never got carsick a day in my life.
Gus doesn't deal very well with surprises.
I'll talk to you later, Mom! You never told him I was the one who ran over his dog, did you? Dad, no.
One thing at a time.
Thank god that dog was 17.