Psych Episode Scripts

N/A - Thrill Seekers & Hell Raisers

What in blue blazes is going on? You're up on the roof in this weather? Nothing, Dad.
We were just practicing base jumping.
It's the newest thing in extreme sports.
Are you crazy? You could get yourself hurt or maybe even killed doing something like this.
Don't worry.
We made life-size replicas of ourselves to make sure the chutes would work.
Mine's over there.
We've made improvements since then.
Base jumping.
There's no way I'm gonna let you do something that risky.
- But, dad? - But nothing.
As long as you live in my house you follow my rules.
Now, I want you to clean this stuff up, come inside, and do your homework.
Gus, come on.
You're smarter than this.
One day I won't be living in your house.
Then I'll be able to take any risk I want.
What about that? When you and Gus are 30 years old you can go out and be as wild and reckless as you want.
Best idea ever.
People say our intense love of bunnies is creepy at our age, but history will prove them to be heartless bastards.
I can't believe the French actually eat these little guys.
- The French aren't the only ones.
- I wasn't counting other rabbits.
- Rabbits don't eat each other.
- Most rabbits, yes.
No, pretty much all.
This conversation will only end badly.
The thing is - I have something big to tell you.
- You know you can say anything to me.
We've known each other forever and there is nothing - that could dent our bond.
- I have a secret girlfriend.
You're dead.
I can't believe you.
You brought me here to get hopped up on bunny love so I wouldn't make a scene.
- Pretty much.
- It's working.
I don't even remember what this whole thing was about.
This bunny is strong.
Must be Columbian.
Her name is Ruby.
I met her at BevMo! She's in marketing.
And she's really, really cool.
- She's not taking you to the cleaners? - All my cash is tied up in dress shirts - and decorative pillowcases.
- Fair.
- Why are you waiting till just now? - Because I wanted to make sure that what we had was real and solid.
I didn't want you screwing things up.
Your decision could have repercussions for years to come.
The thing is, you have a tendency to scare my girlfriends away.
Because I ask a few simple questions? You asked if she knew the answer to the Riddle of the Sphinx.
And bullet dodged.
You're very welcome.
You knew because you saw it on Super friends.
She had the same opportunity to see that episode.
All right, you.
What are you doing? Pick that bunny back up.
I will not be easily swayed or impressed by the effects of an intense adorability high.
As far as I'm concerned she's starting here.
And she's gotta get to here.
It's not gonna be easy.
When do I meet her? - In about three seconds.
- Three seconds Hi, handsome.
- Right back at ya.
- She was talking to me.
Ruby, this is Shawn.
It's good to meet you.
Sorry I ran late.
My last appointment ran long.
She volunteers at the Wildlife Rescue.
We were just cleaning up the ducks that got caught up in the oil spill.
Wait a minute.
That sounded a little rehearsed.
- Did he give you that? - You are as kooky as Gus advertised.
Although, you, mister, did not do justice to that hair.
My God, most guys I know would kill for that mane.
Some have.
Well, not me.
I like Gus's head.
It would be a crime to cover this up.
- Got some questions for you Rubes.
- Shoot.
- Anything.
- Anything? - Good.
Favorite color.
- Black.
- Liar.
- Prove it.
- Flavor.
- Of what? - Everything.
- Mango.
- Too easy.
- Anything else? Favorite Magnum, P.
I.
episode.
Did you see the Sun Rise? - Second favorite episode.
- Did you see the Sun Rise: Part two? Actually, reverse those two.
My God, who are you? - It was good to meet you, Shawn.
- It was good to meet you, Rubes.
- You've exceeded all expectations.
- Oh, thank you.
And might I say that you and Gus have one of the most rich and fulfilling friendships that I've ever seen.
We're like Andie and Duckie with just a tad of Mary Kate and Ashley.
- Aren't we glad that that's over? - Yes, we are.
I guess all that's left now is for me to meet your friends.
- You mean, for me to meet her friends.
- No, I had it right the first time.
We can change it to we.
When do we get to meet your friends? I'm free now.
Ten minutes from now.
Roughly, an hour from now.
- Anytime between now and tonight.
- That's a little short notice.
I would love to, - but I have this thing planned today.
- We would love to come.
Okay, normally I would say great Seriously but we're meeting at Berman's bend down by the river and we only have so many supplies.
Not enough supplies.
We'll put something on the books for next week.
Good.
Thank you.
Sounds good, sounds good.
You know that's right.
I can't believe we're crashing their picnic.
- You asked me to vet this woman.
- No, I didn't.
Regardless, when I vet someone I vet until there is no vetting left to vet.
That is how I vet.
- Ruby passed your test.
- She was good at the pet store.
She was prepared.
Gotta catch her and her friends unaware before they have a chance to get their story straight.
I like this woman.
I don't want you to mess it up for me.
Dude, deep down, you want this to happen.
You want me to do this so that you can avoid another Mira situation.
Or have you already forgotten the woman you married after only two days? Ruby is not Mira.
And I don't need you to tell me whether a woman is right for me.
You sure about that? Almost.
- Dude.
- Fine, 81%.
Then let the vetting continue.
- I'm sorry we're dropping in.
- But we agreed to do this next week.
- We don't have enough supplies.
- We brought our own gruyere.
I think you wanted to catch me off guard to see what I was like with my friends, didn't you? That's what I thought.
This is Gus and Shawn.
These are my friends.
This is Derek Walker.
Jessica Martino and my other friend Stu Crawford.
Stu Sounds like I'm booing.
Right? But I'm not.
I'm saying Stu, because I'm a fan of yours and your guys' whole team.
I'm sorry we're crashing in on your River rafting.
River rafting? We thought you guys were having a picnic.
You know, 'cause it's lunch time.
It's 3:00 in the afternoon.
Let me explain.
Lunch for us starts ten minutes after breakfast ends and goes till ten minutes before dinner starts.
Unless we just combine the two, in which case we have linner.
And then there's dessinner, which is dessert and dinner.
You're fun.
You're not crashing anything.
We got plenty of room.
Go see Gunther, he'll fix you up.
- And meet us down by the river.
- Sweet.
Are you sure this is waterproof? You barely get wet.
I've done this hundreds of times.
- It's a small world doesn't count.
- All right, fine, Mr.
Qualifier.
Guys, please, let us help with that.
I've met each of you now.
And I'm sure you're more than a little curious about me.
Actually, I am.
Ruby says you're a psychic? Can you turn on your powers and predict my future? Derek, I'm a diviner.
Not a blender.
The psychic realm decides when it wants to communicate with me.
Though I am sensing that Stu here is the expert.
That's right.
He is the most experienced of the group.
It was his idea to come here today.
That's pretty good.
What else can you tell? Well, I can tell you that Jessica here is a bit of a free spirit.
Single but looking.
Not afraid to make the first move.
Nice.
How'd you know that? She's tickling my ass.
That was completely by accident.
This time.
So, Ruby, you still haven't told me how you and your friends met.
Derek and Stu met at a wildlife preservation meeting, which is kind of ironic because Derek used to be a big game hunter back when he was dating Jessica.
Yeah, I went to Africa with him twice, but only for the pictures.
I look really good in a safari outfit.
I bagged the big 5, then I turned over a new leaf.
Big 5? Mouse, squirrel, turtle, Chad Michael Murray? I always forget the last one, though.
None of those are right.
He's talking about African game hunting.
Anyway, so Jessica and I, we work together and that's how we met.
And then when Derek and Jessica broke up we really wanted them to stay friends.
That way we just, we didn't break the group up.
- That's cool and mature.
- We're a tight group.
We look out for one another.
Isn't that right, guys? We're not an easy group to keep up with, which is why I gotta hand it to you two.
You seem really at ease in the situation.
I'm into sales so I'm used to meeting new people.
- What's that noise? - You might call me a people person.
In fact, in high school I was voted most well-liked and king of howdy-day.
- Only time it's ever happened.
- Are we on a flight path? You really fooled us.
We would never think that you would be into extreme stuff.
- Extreme stuff? - Like that? Here we go.
It's all about taking it to the next level.
- What are the whistles for? - In case we get lost.
Lost? Paddle forward! Paddle forward! You must be out of your damn mind! - Help me, lord! - Ask him to help me too! Are those rocks real? Flex your core.
It's the next level.
Jessica's hand is still on my thigh! Are you okay? Where's Stu? Stu, can you hear us? Where are you? Psych 411 "Thrill Seekers & Hell Raisers" Timing: Psych Team Did either of you see when this guy Stu fell out of the boat? There was so much water pummeling our face we couldn't see anything.
- Mostly consisting of Gus's tears.
- You can't prove that.
The truth is, I found it pretty exhilarating.
The only thing I can compare it to is I found out you could have brownies.
Except in this case, a human being is missing.
- That part was not cool.
- Damn right it's not.
Can you believe they do this dangerous stuff all the time? They're adrenaline junkies.
People who enjoy extreme activities.
I know what adrenaline junkies are.
Am I crazy, but isn't the fact that Ruby likes to tempt death for thrills information that should have been disclosed on the first date? If only you knew someone who could've vetted that out beforehand.
Can I talk to you for a sec? I should've warned you.
And that I'm into extreme sports.
You should have.
I was just really afraid that it was gonna freak you out.
I mean, some guys get really freaked out by stuff like that.
And I don't know, I'm sure you have too, especially now with Stu, and I just really hope he's okay.
Me too.
But the truth is, none of this scared me off.
Really? May I have a word with you in the "stop saying crazy things to Ruby" room please? Give us a second.
- You said you were gonna break up.
- I changed my mind.
- When? - Now.
Man, she likes to almost die and so do her friends.
It's like we walked into Final Destination.
We walked out of final destination.
Bottom line, she's been vetted.
- It's time to push the eject button.
- I'm not ready to do that.
Make sure CSI covers this whole area.
- That's Stu's vest.
- What happened? Did you find him? I'd rather leave that to the professionals.
It would be inappropriate for me to speculate at this time.
Please, we can handle it.
My best guess, the life vest came off when he fell out of the boat.
He hit his head on a rock and he drowned.
We'll probably find his body in a gully or a spillway somewhere down the river.
I just hope that we get to him before the birds do.
They said they could handle it.
Classy, Lassie, but you're right.
Stu did go overboard.
But you're not gonna find his body in a spillway because he didn't hit his head and he definitely didn't drown.
So he just what, turned into a fish and swam away? Don't be ridiculous.
A cat like Stu would never reach into Costner's bag of tricks.
But I am pretty sure he swam away.
Obviously Stu used the hooks to attach himself to something in the water.
- But why would he do that? - I'm not entirely sure.
Guys.
We got news on the missing person.
I just got a call from the diving team.
They found high-strength netting on the bottom of a big boulder in the rapids.
Let me tell you how this went down.
Stu knew exactly where to jump.
It happened in rough water so that no one would notice that he was gone.
He waited for the raft to drift around a bend and he made his way to shore.
But I don't get it.
Why would Stu want to make that? Because of this.
Clearance sale at mattress discounters.
Seems redundant.
No, this.
Stu and his business partner Brian Sampson just filed for bankruptcy.
Sampson, that's just a great name.
Straight out of film noir.
An old detective who drinks hard but loves even harder.
Or go with me here.
A tiny little orphan mouse who must find his way home to Wolverhampton.
Or Samson the legendary figure from the Bible.
No, that doesn't work.
All those guys have names like Ben-Hur and Prometheus.
You have never read the Bible have you? Genesis, exorcist, leviathan, do the right thing.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Stop talking.
We've gotta find this Brian Sampson, because if this is true, given the complexity of Stu's escape there is no way he could've done this by himself.
He's right.
No, that's Stu's seat.
Gus, a word.
What? Bad news first.
I'm almost positive Ruby's the one who helped Stu.
But here's the good news, we can use Ruby, - solve the case, and look like heroes.
- You are unbelievable.
Really unbelievable.
You've convinced yourself that Ruby is wrong for me and now you're fishing for some reason to justify it? Man, I know this is hard to hear but I'm pretty sure she was involved.
The only thing she's involved in, Shawn, is being awesome.
- All right.
Maybe I'm wrong.
- Damn right you are.
Maybe I'm being overprotective because the way the Mira thing went down.
I appreciate you looking after me, but Ruby is not Mira.
- She's guilty to be awesome.
- That's right.
- Have your parents met her? - No.
They're at a time-share pitch in Chula Vista.
- I'll go with her when they get back.
- In the meantime, I've got the next best thing.
- Where's Chula Vista? - I don't know.
I think they made it up.
So my hands are all bloody and blistered from three hours of fighting to reel in this marlin, when all of a sudden I realize that we've drifted into Cuban waters.
And I know this because one of their patrol boats proceeds to blow a hole the size of a bowling ball in our hull.
- This bourbon packs a wallop.
- Not too strong for you? I'm paying you a compliment.
Not strong enough.
- Try this.
- So what happened next? We turned and we ran for our lives.
We made it, like, around five miles off the coast of key west before she sank and then we had to swim the rest of the way.
We ended up sitting in with the house band at sloppy Joe's soaking wet.
That is the best damn fish story I've ever heard.
Cheers.
That was my friend, Stu.
He planned the whole trip.
Look, I'm pretty sure wherever he is he's okay.
I better check on the burgers.
What do you think you're doing? What does it look like I'm doing? I'm making my world-famous burgers.
You are supposed to be helping me prove that Ruby is hiding something.
Instead you're swapping fishing stories with her.
And what is that nonsense about you catching the bluefin tuna? You found it on the beach and practically tripped over it.
Come on, Shawn, look.
That's what you do.
It's a fishing story, you embellish.
You think you're trying to help Gus.
You usually are.
But in this case, I'm not so sure.
Why would you say that? Look, is it possible, just possible, that your suspicions of Ruby stem from your jealousy that Gus is in a healthy, solid relationship with a great woman, whereas you had one with an equally great woman but you let her slip away? How much have you had to drink? More than a little and less than enough.
But I make sense, don't I? Looks like you're a big hit with Shawn's dad.
Yeah, but the only one that I can't win over is Shawn.
It's like he doesn't trust me.
He was a little suspicious about you at first.
Suspicious? How so? I probably shouldn't tell you.
We'll probably have a big laugh.
He had this crazy theory caught up in his head about how you helped Stu orchestrate his disappearance.
The cops said that Stu used some kind of webbing to attach himself to a rock.
And Shawn has it caught up in his head that you helped him orchestrate it.
- Oh, my God.
- What? He's really psychic.
Wait a second, you mean he's right? You did? Stu is my best friend in the world.
He just said that he was in some kind of trouble and he needed a few days to figure things out.
Wait, you need to tell the police about this now.
I can't.
Stu begged me to give him a few days.
I'm the only person in the world that he can trust.
You're the only person that I can trust.
So you know what this means? We're in a trust circle.
No, no, I want out of the trust circle.
There are no doors.
- What about Shawn? - That would be a trust triangle.
Don't make this more difficult than it already is.
Please, please, please? You have to promise me you're not gonna say anything to Shawn.
For me? - I promise.
- Thank you.
Smiths lyric-off.
You, me, 10 minutes.
I'm gonna wipe the floor with you.
We're starting with the queen is dead.
I wanna tell you something.
Will you look at me, please? I just had a drunken revelation out there.
It wasn't mine, it was my dad's, but at this point, I'll take it.
I was way off about Ruby, and I admit it.
She's amazing.
In fact, I wish we could clone her.
And then maybe the clone would come off a little slow.
Not like she has special needs, just like a little bit dim, and that would be perfect for me.
Truth is, I think I was just jealous, 'cause you have something special and I haven't heard from Abigail in, - like, a month or something.
- I appreciate your honesty.
So what were you and Rubes talking about? - I got your message.
What's up? - We haven't get a hold of Sampson.
Great name.
Sounds like one of the dwarf warriors from Willow.
We've been through this already.
Sampson is Stu's partner.
We were able to track down Sampson and Stu's assistant, Charles Lucas.
Lassiter has him in room "A" - Claims he knows nothing.
- You want me to get in and read him, Because I can always tell when someone is hiding something.
Isn't that right? Why do you look away when I talk? You did that all morning.
Something in my eye.
- What is it? - Monkey brush.
Never heard.
So now you're gonna tell me Monkey brush doesn't even exist? Don't be the new Meshach Taylor.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You're not going to leave this room, Lucas, Until you start telling me the truth.
Saying "the truth" louder than the previous words isn't going to work.
I've told you the truth.
I don't know anything.
Thanks.
We'll take it from here.
Let's get one thing straight, you are here just to observe this interrogation.
- Understood? - Absolutely.
I've got something.
You were at the river the day that Stu disappeared.
I was there.
But only because Stu asked me to drop him off and drive his car down river so he wouldn't catch a ride back, then I called a cab and went home.
You're lying.
He's not lying.
His lip is completely still, no sweat on forehead, fingers aren't trembling.
- You're hiding something.
- No, I'm not.
- I want the truth.
- That is the truth.
- Who are we interrogating? - Gus, what are you hiding? I'm not hiding anything.
You're crazy.
- Say he's crazy.
- No, he's hiding something.
Let's go.
- Can I leave now? - Quiet.
- Dude, Ruby said something to you? - Who? Ruby, who's only guilty of being awesome.
They found a body in the woods.
It's Stu's business partner.
The lovable saint Bernard next door, and don't realize how big he is.
Looks like an hunting accident.
But get this, I found out that Sampson and Stu took out million-dollar life insurance and named each other as beneficiary.
- You think Stu killed Brian for money.
- It's motive.
Gus, there's nothing you'd like to say? I gotta go.
Ruby, I need to talk to you.
Hi, come on up.
Are you nuts? That's dangerous.
I know it seems weird, But this is kind of our coping mechanism.
Okay, this is getting ridiculous.
Whatever you and Ruby conspired to do is just as bad.
We're talking about murder here.
- You have to tell me what you know.
- I can't talk to you right now.
You kidding me? Dude, this is me.
I am your partner and your best friend.
We are not supposed to keep secrets.
- I know, but it's complicated.
- No, math is complicated.
The show it's complicated was complicated.
The song complicated by Avril Lavigne, ironically, not very complicated.
And you know what? Neither is this.
I didn't expect to see you here.
Look who's learning to be the aggressive one.
I am not here to see you.
Yeah, and I'm wearing panties.
Listen to me, we have a responsibility to the police.
If you know something and we don't tell, that's lying.
So should I tell them you're not really psychic? How did you get from "a" to "b"? Hey, buddy, what are you doing here? You know, I'm just chasing after Jessica.
Yeah, don't they all.
I don't know if this means anything, but you would make a great couple.
Maybe I should give you my key to her apartment.
Maybe.
You know, that way, you can get in.
I got it.
I do.
- Stop letting Ruby come between us.
- I'm not gonna let that happen.
What's going on? Ruby, I can't do this anymore.
I need to let Shawn in our trust circle.
I didn't hear that.
Ruby, the police think that Stu may have killed Brian Sampson.
- Brian's dead? - Yeah.
I know that you helped stage Stu's disappearance.
Yeah, I know you know that.
- Gus told you? - Of course he did.
But Stu Stu could've never killed Brian.
- No matter how much Brian deserved it.
- What does that mean? Brian was the reason that Stu was going broke.
He used all of the company's money to pay for his exorbitant lifestyle.
It's always about money.
Tell him everything, Ruby.
We need to know where Stu is.
- Where do you think you're going? - With you to the police station.
I don't think so.
Now that Ruby's told us Stu is hiding at Lone Pine, we've to tell the police.
Correction.
I have to tell the police.
You have to crawl back under your keeping-secrets -from-your-best-friend and apply for residency where you can vote and pay your taxes and make little backstabbing rock babies.
- Have we to do this? - Yes.
I'm questioning your dedication to this case, our partnership, and maybe even America.
I'm dedicated.
I take our job seriously.
Please, you are so distracted by Ruby and her boobs and your lies and the heavy petting, you probably don't remember who's Jason.
- Stu.
- Or who he kidnapped.
He didn't kidnap anyone.
He disappeared.
Right off the top of a building in Vancouver.
- That was a who didn't steal anything.
- And then fell down a mine shaft.
That was us.
Look, give it up, Shawn.
My trust circle with Ruby resisted, I've been paying just as much attention - to what's been going on as you have.
- You can't have a circle with 2 people.
So let's set aside our personal issues and continue on our investigation.
Please, you wish you had my acute observational skills.
- You wish you had my focus.
- My attention to detail.
Attention to detail, please.
All right, people, listen up.
By piecing together Stu's credit card activity, phone records, and known sightings the last three weeks, we've pinpointed his location to here: a small ranch outside of Reno, Nevada.
We need to coordinate with all state and local law enforcement agencies.
Psychic navigators are saying something different, Lassie.
- Cut that out before to blind somebody.
- As usual, Lassie, you're way off.
The actual position where Stu is hiding is here, right outside of Lone Pine.
And you know this how? Same way I knew that Stu had fled in the first place.
The question is, Lassie, do you want to mobilize your team to Nevada and risk humiliating yourself, or do you wanna mobilize them to Lone Pine, which is on the way, and only risk humiliating me? Everybody, let's head to Lone Pine.
Stay put, Spencer.
Stu Crawford, it's the SBPD.
We're coming in.
I'm still more than a little peeved at you for keeping all this from me.
I'm sorry, Shawn, but you know, eventually we're gonna both get married.
There's gonna be certain things we can't share.
I'm trying not to think about that.
- We're still gonna live next door.
- With a pool going across our yards.
I've got dibs on the diving board.
Why don't you get in there? Well, you had everything right, Spencer.
He definitely didn't drown in the river.
I know this must be very hard.
But Stu didn't leave a suicide note, Is there anything that you can tell us? I've known Stu for years, and none of this makes any sense.
I still can't believe he's gone.
Now, Ruby's already informed us of her involvement with Stu's disappearance.
If either of you two were involved, now's the time to tell us.
They don't know anything about it.
Actually, Stu came to me first saying that he needed a place to hide.
I told himto stop being a coward and just face his problems like a man.
Stu told me that I was the only person that he trusted.
That is so like you to think you're the special one in the group.
- Everything's about Ruby.
- I need attention? You're the one that throws herself at every guy.
Take it back, bitch! - Ladies, simmer down.
- Hold on chief, make her.
Can you try to make her.
Look, miss Martino, we know that you've had some court-appointed anger management sessions and a prior for stalking Stu's business partner Brian Sampson.
Oh, that? Stu introduced us at a party and we totally hit it off.
And then Brian started sending me mixed signals.
Mixed signals.
Let's just say that you're a person of interest and we'd like you to stay in town.
Fine.
- Am I free to go too, now? - Yeah, you too, miss J.
Wait for me outside? The preponderance of evidence still points to Stu being responsible for Brian Sampson's murder.
In view of the performance we witnessed, we should re-review said evidence.
You can't re-review something, It's redundant.
Like re-repeat or re-reflect.
You can if you've peated and flected twice.
I remind you that you haven't been hired on this case, and what you say doesn't matter? - We haven't been hired? - Nobody hired me.
We'll call you if we need you.
I'm sorry about Stu.
I'm sorry about putting you in this situation.
You were doing a good thing for a great friend.
- I can't be mad at that.
- Thank you for understanding.
So now that everything's out in the open, let's agree.
- No more secrets.
- OK, agreed, yes.
No more secrets.
- All right.
- All right.
Bottle and weave.
- Really? - Yeah.
Divorced.
Baby daddy? - Credit? - 770.
Not bad.
Oh, you guys.
This is so nice.
This feels good.
I knew you were special from the beginning.
You had me at Did you see the Sunrise: Part two.
I'm gonna wait in the car.
- All right.
- All right.
I was right about her from the beginning.
She is amazing.
I am 110% on the Ruby train now.
Good, she just lost a dear friend.
She needs us, Gus.
We're her rock.
- You mean, I'm her rock.
- Yes, you're her rock.
- I'm her anchor.
- Stop it.
- Stop what? - You know what.
- That? - Yes, that.
I only did that 'cause you said stop doing this.
If I stop that, then what? Stop stopping it.
I think I know what's going on.
You feel bad that you were against Ruby from the beginning so you're trying to overcompensate by pushing your way into our relationship.
But I'm not upset, because I know deep down it's just your way of saying I have a good thing in Ruby and you don't wanna see me lose it.
All right, you console your lady.
I'll handle the case for a while.
- The case we didn't get hired on? - You know how I roll.
Hey, old buddy, raise your hand if you've missed you.
Hold on, let me guess.
Police won't let you in on another case.
You want me to help you.
I thought I was the psychic.
But I come bearing gifts.
I figured your slender toes must get a little chilly down here on the block.
They do.
Thank you.
All right, what can I do for you? Is that big Brian Sampson on the slab? Handsome dude got a big ol'hole in his pec.
What's the first thing that pops into your head when I say Sampson? A vacuum you can use in space.
Thank you.
What can you tell me? Even though the bullet was not found, in my opinion, it likely came from a winchester 70 rifle.
Get out of this death igloo.
You can tell that just by looking at the hole? Correct you are, my gelled friend.
Allow me to demonstrate.
Of course, watermelon.
- Perfect substitute for the human head.
- Uncanny.
Porterhouse simulates the human thigh.
The maple wood simulates oak wood.
This is all academic unless we can find the murder weapon.
Believe me, you've helped more than you could possibly know.
Worces ter.
- The sauce? - Doesn't make any sense.
- Westchester.
- The county? Counties can't kill people, Jules.
Win.
Win? - Chester! - Yes! - 69 - 70.
Jessica Martino owns a winchester 70.
That is a very good link to the murder of Brian Sampson.
Let's pay miss Martino a little visit, shall we? I'll call Gus, tell to stay away from Jessica.
- What's up.
- Stay away from Jessica.
You hooked up with her? What does that mean? No, she might be the murderer.
What? - Make sure you don't go near her.
- Don't worry.
Ruby's fine.
She had to clear her head, so she and Derek went paragliding.
- You know, that's how they cope.
- Of course it is.
This was a great idea, Derek.
Things have just been so out of control this week.
I needed something to take my mind off of Stu.
No problem.
We're gonna glide down the valley and then hike back up.
I'm just gonna put our coordinates in so we take the shortest path.
Who do you know in Lone Pine? You know, that's the area that I told Stu about.
How did It was you.
There's no way.
I really wish you hadn't seen that.
That was Jules.
They found the rifle in Jessica's apartment.
- They're booking Jessica now.
- Man, she was crazy.
Glad we found out now before you hooked up.
When was I ever gonna hook up with Jessica? Shawn, please, you know honey was fly.
She's a murderer, Gus.
Plus, it was creepy.
She stalks Brian, she dates Derek.
- She was hot.
- I know.
- With legs I could've climbed.
- What? I don't know if it means anything, but you guys would make a great couple.
Maybe I should give you my key to her apartment.
Which is ironic because Derek used to be a big game hunter back when he was dating Jessica.
We're a tight-knit group.
We look out for our own.
Isn't that right, guys? - What? - Ruby's in danger.
- I'll explain on the way.
- I just put my car in the shop.
Hold on tight.
I can't even process this, Derek.
Stu was our friend.
How could you kill him? Friend? Stu didn't understand the meaning of true friendship.
True friends stand behind one another.
- See, Stu and I had a pact.
- All right.
I would make Brian pay for what he did and then I was gonna let Stu cash in on the insurance policy.
- Right.
- And I held up my end.
But Stu decided to get a conscience.
Why don't Why don't you and I just make a pact right now? A pact that neither of us is gonna kill me.
You have no idea the adrenaline rush you get when you track down and kill a man.
It's like lightning running down your spine.
None of this stuff compares.
I always sensed that you were the strongest of the group.
And I envied Jessica that she got to be with you.
You know that? Please don't insult my intelligence.
Fine, but I had to try.
You're a douche bag, and quite frankly, as dumb as a wildebeest.
- Sorry it had to end this way.
- No, Derek! Please, no! - Step away from my lady.
- Please! Don't move.
One step and she's gone.
It's all about taking it to the next level.
Isn't that right, D? I can see everything.
You killed Brian Sampson because he ruined Stu.
Then you proudly told Stu you did it.
But instead of thanking you, he totally freaked out.
Because he wasn't crazy.
You knew it was only a matter of time before he went to the authorities.
So you used your key to get into Jessica's place to take back the rifle you gave her from your big game hunting days.
- You done? - Yeah.
Finally, you tracked down your buddy like a desert fox, and killed him, making it look like a suicide.
Thus, pinning the murder of Brian Sampson on Stu.
Freeze! SBPD! You're not going anywhere.
- I got him, Shawn.
- Get off me.
- Save me! - Hang on tight.
- Come on.
- Don't let go.
We'll see you at the bottom.
- He's going south.
Cover all clearings.
- Back up, move south to open field.
- He's not even hooked in.
- Don't worry, when Gus is scared, - he can cling like a drowning cat.
- Don't let me die, Shawn! - There! - Thank you, lord.
Dude, that was amazing! You manhandled a killer and took him to the ground.
It was nothing.
A man protects his lady.
You're so brave.
I'm your rock.
I'm your island.
- I know.
- How do you get this damn thing off? Here let me help you.
You untwist this.
You all right? - What really happened? - I squeezed him so tight, - he passed out by accident.
- Nice.
And my helmet smashed into his chin.
Okay, we're gonna say that you muscled up his back and then you put him in a sleeper hold.
Sounds good.
Next level's gonna be dope.
Ruby's home safe and sound.
There he is.
I gotta say, that was awfully boyfriend-y of you, Jumping out there risking death like that to save Ruby.
She is lucky to have you, dude.
And I mean just you, all you, nothing but the you.
You know.
We're gonna take a breather for a while.
- We are? - Yeah.
I mean, as you know our relationship started off a lot more action-packed and exciting than most.
You mean, with people disappearing, dying, and being arrested? Yeah, and a lot of heavy foods.
So you two have decided to take a step back and evaluate if the attraction is real? And then when everything gets back to normal, if the feelings are still there, we'll start seeing each other again.
He's all grown up.
Making grown-up decisions.
- It was her idea, wasn't it? - Of course it was.
I was begging.
I did some soul searching too.
What if we had to go on the lam like Stu, and we ended up in the sierras or someplace way far away from civilization, with no cell phones, and no water, it was just us, and we're lost never to be heard from again? - That would suck.
- It sure would.
So then I started thinking, if that's us Death and starvation are imminent How long would you want me to wait before I ate you? I won't dignify that with an answer.
It's a perfectly reasonable question.
- It's like having a living will.
- No one plans for that.
Tell Gus it's normal for friends to discuss when they'd like to be eaten in the event of a tragic alive-esque scenario? Believe it or not, I'm with Spencer on this one.
I would eat the three of you in the following order: O'Hara, Guster, then Spencer.
I've also made a list of whose organs I'd prefer if I need a transplant.
And I've planned for the contingency where I'm the last man on earth and I need to choose one person from the department with whom to procreate.
Don't worry.
None of you made the list.