Psych Episode Scripts

N/A - Lassie Jerky

Jeez, Chavo, you look like a giant baby on film.
Make sure that little red light's blinking.
Thank you for that amazing advice.
Thank you for being so sarcastic.
Take it easy.
Ready? I am currently standing less than 200 meters from where Chavo here cowered like a bitch in a bush, but somehow managed to get a picture of this thing's right calf and buttock before it disappeared into the bush.
And here's a fact: If I go down, you're like a dog without a bone, chica.
Dude, I would pick up that camera and forge ahead like Denzel picked up the flag in Glory.
There have been a spate of recent sightings of what has locally gained traction as a Bigfoot-type creature.
But wait, there's more.
Yeah, show them the transmitter.
We have planted a number of these motivational devices in order to entice our favorite squatch into giving us a little encore.
Calm down, Chavo.
I know how much you love dark meat and technology.
Careful, that's a $200 tracking device in there.
[Raspy grunting, wheezing] What the hell is that? Would you stop it? That is a ridiculous sound.
Forget you, Shawn.
You know I'm allergic to pine needles and most types of dirt.
Plus, it's raining now.
If I don't start smelling slow-roasting brisket in the next two minutes, we're turning around.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Shawn frigging Spencer? You really came.
This is the boobs.
Uh, Kate, favor.
Wow, you look just like your picture on the blog spot.
I thought it was a screen cap of Angelina Jolie in Original Sin.
Shawn, who are these people, and why do they know your name? We know your name too, Pootie Tang.
Wa da ta.
Oh, Gus, we're just joking with you because you're sweet enough to melt and drizzle on two scoops of me.
This is Chi-Chi--uh, Chavo.
He hid in a bush when he heard you guys coming because he thought you guys were Bigfoot and he forgot to take his Midol this morning.
Okay, I was going for a low, ominous angle, - and also, I don't have ovaries.
- That's debatable.
- Uh, Bigfoot? - Yeah, Bigfoot.
Uh, did Shawn not tell you the deal, or-- What deal? We're on our way to the Sassy Quatch.
It's a secret barbecue hut built into the side of a cave that almost nobody knows about.
It has the best tasting corn pudding in all of-- Shawn, you son of a bitch.
Why do you have a camera? Uh, well, buddy, if I'd told you the truth, you wouldn't have come.
Here's the thing.
I, uh--I stumbled upon Kate and Chavo's blog when I was messing around on the Harry and the Hendersons fan site.
- Turns out-- - Shawn John Lithgow is never writing you back.
He's never even heard of that site.
- Okay, that is your opinion.
- Look.
If Shawn can help us find the beast by using his gift, and we can catch it all on camera, we will win the Student Academy Award.
Dude, the Student Academy Award.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
I will not get eaten by a bear to prove that Bigfoot does not exist.
No bears eating me.
Not today, not ever.
- Not even in your dreams.
- Okay.
- You just jinxed yourself.
- Suck it, Shawn.
At least stick around and let us show you the Bigfoot blind we built.
It's totally rad.
And we have a mondo stash of beef jerky there.
- Dude, they have meat here.
- Lots of meat.
I will stay only long enough to refuel and put something in my stomach.
I'm famished, and I'm starting to see floating protozoa and whatnot.
I know exactly what you're talking about.
Okay, great.
Chi-Chi, why don't you, uh, grab some wood for the fire and I'll show the boys the blind.
Almost there, boys.
What do you think? You think that's her natural gait? All right, look.
I'm sorry I lied, okay? But let's be honest.
Shame on you for believing there was a place called the Sassy Quatch built into the side of a cave in the first place.
Man, you know all I heard were the key words "dry rub" and "pone.
" What are we doing out here, Shawn? We're not gonna be able to help these fools.
You can say that again.
Hold up.
We should both be on camera for this.
It's important for story drive.
- What? - Come on, dudes.
What is more interesting than a documentary about finding Bigfoot? Anything but Capturing the Friedmans.
A documentary about a documentary about finding Bigfoot that fails.
I will slap you in the teat, Shawn.
Oh, think about it, Gus.
They're making Don Quixote.
We're making Lost in la Mancha.
- Oh, my God.
- We have never won anything.
Especially you.
Now who do you think's gonna win that Student Academy Award now? Here's a hint: us.
Now pull out your phone and start shooting some b-roll.
Come on, guys, chop-chop.
Gus to the world.
Here's a news flash, Shawn: We are not students.
Here's another one: This is the worst idea you've come up with since Odwallapalooza.
Okay, first of all, organic juices and weird elixirs that are alive are the future, Gus.
Just like milk was the future back in the '50s.
And "B," yesterday, I enrolled you in something called hermeneutics at UCSB.
I think it's the study of the Munsters, - so we should be fine.
- You did not.
I sure did.
Shawn, hermeneutics is the study of theory.
- Well, that feels redundant.
- Oh, my gosh.
I could have an exam on Friday.
I need to find a syllabus.
Pretty dope little setup, huh? Chavo did it in, like, You just helped yourself, huh? So, Kate, what's the story with you and Chavo? It's just a business relationship, or are you guys lovers in the nighttime? Man, I think we should all be lovers in the nighttime.
The human libido is way too powerful to be governed by a set of rudimentary laws or a button fly.
Life's not The Notebook, you know? It's Wild Orchid.
It's Last Tango in Paris.
It's Jungle Fever.
[Creature growls, approaches] Holy hell! He's real.
Oh, my God, are you seeing this? Dude, dude, dude! Shawn, if we get out of here alive, I will kill you.
So what's my incentive to live? [Battery warning beeps] [The Friendly Indians' I Know You Know] In between the lines there's a lot of obscurity I'm not inclined to resign to maturity if it's all right then you're all wrong but why bounce around to the same damn song? you'd rather run when you can't crawl I know you know that I'm not telling the truth I know you know they just don't have any proof embrace the deception learn how to bend your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end She's gonna get eaten, Shawn.
She's gonna get eaten and then we're gonna get eaten.
Would you--where-- would you relax? Breathe.
Think about what's happening.
Where's Chavo? - He's gathering timber.
- Wrong.
He just changed into a giant dog suit and came around that corner with a big fake emu over his shoulder.
- It wasn't an emu.
- This is brilliant, Gus.
We're no longer making a documentary about a failure.
We're making a documentary about a hoax.
They're circulating the rumors on their blog, doctoring that photo, and spreading it all over the Internet.
Okay, fine, fine.
You're probably right.
But there are still bears out here, Shawn.
Black bears that feel no kinship to black men.
- Hey.
Both: Aah! Sorry, uh, I don't have a long enough lens.
Plus, Bigfoot won't come out of the cave.
I-I think we need to get closer.
Actually, Kate, I am-- I am sensing that our best bet is to head back to the camp, get some more supplies, and come back with Chavo.
- Power in numbers.
- All right.
Yeah, it's hard not to get a little excited about all this.
[Both chuckling] We understand.
But let's be smart.
Plus, Chavo will be able to speak the creature's language.
How do you know Squatch is Latino? How do you know he isn't? Well, gee, I wonder where Chavo could be.
I'm here, I'm here.
Where's the firewood, Chavo? Mira, I heard something, like a muffled scream coming from the other direction.
Yeah? Well, guess what we motherfrigging saw.
It! Dude, it trudged towards that cave, and you can totally see it from the blind.
But we didn't want you to miss anything, Chavo, so we figured we'd all go back together as a group so we can see each other.
Oh, I got it.
And thank you.
Oh, wait till you see it, baby, oh, my God.
I am so turned on right now.
- Yeah? - Yeah, we'll be right back.
- We will? - Yes.
Are they going off to do what I think they're gonna do? Make a new plan because we're on to them? They better.
I don't think that's what they--oh, my gosh.
Shawn, I think she's going to-- she is.
Gus, I need to snoop around this tent, okay? - Be my lookout.
- Okay.
Viva Mexico, Chavo.
What do we got here? Huh, that's clever.
[Distant moans, laughter] What the-- This girl is not messing around.
What is-- [grunting] Wait a minute, who's the big dot? I'm the big dot? Then what the hell is that? [Branches rustling] Whoa, whoa! Um, Gus, what's going on out there, man? Talk to me, Gus.
Gus? Dude, what the heck? In a tree.
Crazy, right? It's still warm.
I think that turkey leg was meant for Bigfoot, Gus.
So they went to the trouble of setting food traps with tracking devices.
Man, they're really committing to this hoax.
Wait, I swallowed a transmitter, Shawn.
What if my body rejects the alloys in the composite? - You'll poop it out, it's fine.
- What? All right, you guys ready to make some cinematic history? Get rid of that thing! I rarely order flan.
If it's there for the table, sure, I'll partake, but chances are, something else on the menu's gonna grab me.
Well, then you just haven't had good flan.
Uh, good flan, bad flan.
Bottom line: It's eggy.
- Ugh.
- It can be eggy.
Oh, man, I should've peed back at camp.
My molars are floating.
All right, well, just make it quick.
Give me the camera.
[Grunting] You know, he's got the bladder of a six-year-old girl, but he can hold most of the tantric positions for, like, 45 frigging minutes.
- Wow, that's something.
- Yes.
- We have to go too.
- Yeah, we got to pee.
We are gonna catch him putting on the costume, Gus.
We're gonna hide, we're gonna get the whole thing on camera, and then we're gonna keep playing along.
Now pull out your phone and start shooting.
We want as many choices as possible in the editing room.
You bet.
This is actually kind of fun.
Try and get some geography.
Shawn? He looks like he's peeing.
Where is the big furry dog suit? I'm filming a man who's peeing, Shawn.
This isn't right.
Who's there? I've got pepper spray and Chinese throwing stars.
I mean I'm--I'm a ninja.
- What are you guys doing here? - We had to go too.
What--so you just left Kate alone at the blind? It's not like anybody can see her.
I mean, isn't that the concept? It's a blind.
Gus, you shouldn't hold it like that.
You're gonna get black bars on both sides.
Oh, oh, right.
[Kate screams] Katie? Oh, he saw me, and I saw him! - We made eye--eye contact.
- Who saw you? - Who you think, Chavo? - What the-- [creature growling] [All screaming] Aah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, crap! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! - Aah! [Grunting] Gus, you okay? I'm okay.
I'm okay! Aah! Gus! [Panting] Great move.
Great juke, Gus.
I-I can't say I feel 100% right now, Shawn.
We lost the monster and everyone lived.
Even Chavo.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? Hey, I've got some rope in my backpack.
I got a flashlight.
So what, am I fodder here? I'm expendable? - Hang on, Nutella.
- Don't worry, Gus.
It's not like you're in the catacombs.
[Chuckling] Catch the flashlight, Gus.
[Panting] [Flies buzzing] - Whoa.
- Ew.
Aah! I take that back, Gus.
You're in, like, a miniature version of the catacombs.
- Ah! It stings.
- Tell you what.
Later on, you can put one on me, and then rip it off super hard.
Kate You're very open and sensual and European-seeming.
- I grew up on a commune-- - That's awesome.
But I'm in a fully committed relationship, and my lady and her illegitimate son, they count on me to make responsible decisions in the clutch.
That makes me sad.
And also really hot.
Hey, uh, I don't mean to set off any alarms here, but am I the only one who's troubled by the three corpses in the hole? It seems pretty cut and dry to me.
We found Bigfoot's private pantry.
Now we've just got to go back and wait for snack time.
Or we could be snack time.
Uh-uh, nope, not today.
Shawn and I will be leaving now.
Thank you all very much.
It's been real.
Wait, Shawn, I thought this is what you wanted, man.
The stuff we're getting is epic.
We're gonna make history.
[Rustling in bushes] He'll want me first.
I'm the sweetest.
What are you saying, he's gonna start with dessert? Ooh, good point, maybe not.
Chavo's toast though.
- Son of a bitch.
- Lassie? Jules? I've never been so excited to see you ever.
Come on, hug it out.
Hug it out.
I would rather spend all day at the mall with McNab.
Hey, what are you guys doing here? What are we doing here? We got a call from a couple of hikers about an abandoned blue echo on the side of the road with Gus's license plate.
You didn't mention anything about a day trip.
- You two are po-po? - That's right, Los Lobos.
So get that camera out of my face.
This had better be good, Spencer.
I just shined these shoes.
That and the fact that you and Guster aren't dead, I am borderline furious.
Okay, listen, listen.
This is Kate and Chavo.
They are film students making a documentary about finding Bigfoot right here in these woods.
They hired me to help them track the beast psychically.
Hired? No, you volunteered.
We're not paying you caca.
Needless to say, we tracked the beast to its domicile.
It was startled, it gave chase.
We barely made it out with our lives.
But we did unearth a catacomb filled with the corpses of his victims, which he will presumably be eating later - along with Gus for dessert.
- What? And we got the whole thing on camera.
That is 0% funny, Shawn.
Please let me shoot your boyfriend.
Just a flesh wound, something he can walk away from.
- Please.
- Boyfriend? This monogamy is really starting to bum me out.
You say you got all this on camera? Yes, we did.
No, way.
Come on, Lassie.
- You saw the footage.
- Impossible.
I know.
It's shocking, really.
But no corpses can only mean one thing: It's the zombie apocalypse.
Well, perhaps it's for the best right here in the woods - away from the populous.
- That can't be.
They were cold and ashy and pale and dead.
I think it is painfully clear what is going on here.
You two Nimrods have orchestrated a little hoax so that your film's not a total waste of time, and you found the perfect two chowderheads to fall for it.
That's not true.
Lassie, that's what we thought at first.
- But it doesn't add up anymore.
- Think about it, Spencer.
Put your finger to your head and use your brain.
They got a couple of their bong buddies to crawl in the hole and play dead.
You got hosed.
But now they have gone too far, because my time is money.
Wait a minute.
How come we're ruling out the theory that the yeti moved his food stash - because we found it? - Yeti is incorrect.
They live in much snowier climates like Hoth.
You're right.
My bad.
Plus, I found it by accident, Lassie.
I had to tumble all the way down a ridge to find it.
Gus has a point.
I mean, the hole was covered.
I don't think those bodies were meant to be found.
O'Hara, I forbid you to buy into this load of crap.
We should arrest them and go back to the city.
Uh, I am sensing these bodies did not get up and walk away on their own.
Which also puts the kibosh on Lassie's zombie theory.
You see they were dragged.
Ha! Chupalo! What does that mean? You tell me what that means right now.
Well, this is quite a haul.
Well, this can't be right.
According to the tracking device, Bigfoot is one of us.
Stop saying Bigfoot like he's real.
Gus ate a giant turkey leg - with a transmitter in it.
- Aw, come on.
It wasn't weird to you that it was just sitting in a freaking tree? Someone would have us believe that these bodies went into the drink, which means we've got to dredge this creek and bring in some serious SBPD manpower.
Now you two film geeks Think long and hard about what you say next.
Playtime is over.
I will not be toyed with.
[Metallic clang] [Screams] Son of a-- God! [Yelps] Oh, my-- Aah! Aah! Aah! [Screaming] Oh, God! Don't fight the current! Try to grab onto something! I'm coming! Where-- where you going? Don't worry about it, Shawn.
You do you.
There he is! Come on, we can go down here.
- Come on.
- Oh.
[Screaming] That's what you get for calling me Los Lobos.
Dude, this is a total bonus.
- Aah! - What can I do to help? - Stay back, Chavo! - I was hoping you'd say that.
[Grunting] Lassie, grab the branch! It's right in front of you.
- Thank you, O'Hara! - Yes! Good work! Jules, you're amazing! Hang on, Lassie, we'll have you out of there in no time! [Bird screeches] Hey! That lady hawk stole my camera! How do you know it's a female? She's circling around.
I think my whole leg just came off.
Lassie, she's coming back this way.
I think she's gonna drop it.
Catch it! You have to catch it! Catch it! That was the sexiest thing I've ever seen.
- Or at least top eight.
- Wow.
All right, that's the best we're gonna do for now, partner.
Stepped in a bear trap.
Oh, what is this? This is so humiliating.
I can't tell Marlowe the truth.
I've got to come up with a cover story.
Do you mind? Does anybody know where we are? Because I certainly don't, and this sucks.
Yeah, agreed.
We can follow the river up a ways, but the tracks won't be good once the sun goes down.
Didn't you guys bring a map? - I kicked it into the creek.
- You did what? That's the stupidest thing you could've done, Chavo.
[Chuckling] I was just kidding.
We actually never had a map.
Think you can move on that leg? Not very fast.
Damn it to hell! It's like we're in Bridge on the River Kwai but you get to be Bill Holden.
We're gonna freeze our pinones off.
We are gonna set up camp for the night.
We're gonna back ourselves up to the water so that we don't have to worry about a 360-degree perimeter.
We will build a fire.
At first light, I will find my way out of here, and I will come back with the cavalry.
Absolutely not.
I'm not letting you go by yourself.
Shawn, everyone has to stay here with Lassiter.
- I'll be twice as fast on my own.
- What about me, Juliet? I'm at least twice as fast as Shawn.
- That is a lie.
- Shh! I'm not trying to be here all night, Juliet.
No, Detective O'Hara's right.
Ow! No, I'm fine.
I'm certainly no gonna sleep a wink tonight, so I'll set up a perimeter and take watch.
O'Hara will set up camp and protect the herd.
Please take one of the cameras with you.
It would mean the world to us.
If you, uh, see anything, just point and shoot.
What do I look like to you? The love child of Matthew Perry andTony Randall.
It's gonna get balls-cold out tonight.
- What kind of wool is this? - It's an angora blend, I think.
- It's delightful.
- I know, right? Just point and shoot.
This fire is very, very impressive.
I had no idea that you were so rugged and outdoorsy.
Well, that is because you steadfastly refuse to go hiking, camping, or mountain biking with me, Shawn.
Because look what happens, Jules.
Mother nature was not meant for us.
It was meant for the animals and Jeff Probst.
And you know what? Not really Probst, because everyone knows that after wrap, - he goes to the Marriott.
- Man I love the outdoors more than anything.
We're all animals.
Hey, have you guys ever seen Cannibal Holocaust? Nothing's beeping on the Bigfoot tracker.
Huh? Oh, my God.
That's what you ran off to do? How--wait.
What did you use-- We're not talking about this, Shawn, ever.
You can all suck it.
[Distant screech] Stay put.
[Distant screech] Socold.
My ankle's a little worse off than I let on.
I've lost quite a lot of blood.
It's time to be honest.
I'm no hero.
Not tonight.
Close your eyes give me your hand, darling do you feel my heart beating? do you understand? Both: Do you feel the same? am I only dreaming? Is this burning an eternal flame? I believe it's meant to be darling I would like to apologize.
I'm sorry, Marlowe.
Sorry I wasn't strong enough.
Mom, Althea I just want to say once and for all that your happiness is my happiness.
I won't be making any more off-color LPGA jokes during the holidays.
Both: Watch you when you are sleeping you belong with me do you feel the same? am I only dreaming? - Or is this burning - Burning - an eternal flame? - Eternal flame Say my name sun shines through the rain - my whole life was so lonely - Flame Hey, guys.
Yeah, how 'bout we don't attract attention to ourselves by singing a song? I'm going to die out here.
[Sniffling] O'Hara, you are the best partner that I have ever, ever That is not possible.
Oh, my gosh.
Bigfoot took Lassie.
Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, this is really happening.
What are we gonna do? I-I think there's only one thing to do here.
Carlton Lassiter was a decent man.
I'll, uh--I'll never forget the time he chased Gus with a samurai sword.
He just about took his head off.
Although we may have not always seen eye to eye, he did have a genuine interest in upholding the law.
And of course he had the sweet, sweet stern bush.
Gus, you want to add anything to that? - No.
- Stop.
Look, Carlton is not dead.
He can't be, I won't let him.
You understand? Okay, now we're going to find him, and then we're all going to get out of here.
Chi-Chi, how are we doing on battery? Uh, half, and we still have auxiliary.
Nice, we're ready when you are.
Jules, you're upset.
Why are you filming this, Shawn? You're emotional, and if this was me saying, "Hey, let's go poke the hornet's nest with one of Gus's shoes," you would say no, and you would force me to be reasonable.
- Shawn, I smell barbecue.
- No, you don't, buddy.
You're just-- you're distressed, and you're projecting a delusion of grandeur.
- No.
- Grandeur.
No, it's smoked meat, and it's fresh.
It's freshly smoked meat.
That's the direction Carlton was taken.
Let's go! Everybody, now! He sure knows a lot about smoked meat.
What are we doing? What--Chavo.
- This is the boobs, man.
- No.
No, this is not the boobs.
Shawn, I said stay behind me.
Three, two We are currently tracking the monster in an attempt to also find the remains of one of our own.
- That is overstated.
- Fix it in post.
Needless to say, we have risked everything in order to bring the truth behind this legend to the rest of the free speaking world.
Boom, I don't care how long it's been since I busted out the super sniffer.
It's like riding a bike with my nostrils and cilia.
Look over there.
That's the same cave we could see from the blind, which means - We've gone in a big circle.
- Shh! Stay with me, all of you.
Oh, my God, those are Carlton's clothes.
Homes got roasted rotisserie style.
Okay, uh, in lieu of everything that we've been through with that man I can't believe I'm about to say this Lassie does smell absolutely delicious.
Gus? Amen.
He's been dry-rubbed.
Ow! What's the matter with you two? Look, I refuse to believe that there isn't a rational explanation for all of this, and I highly doubt that Bigfoot is dry-rubbing his dinner - with barbecue sauce.
- Of course he isn't.
It's apples and oranges.
The operative word is "dry," - meaning "no sauce.
" - Look.
The show must go on, right? We got to get inside that cave.
All right, I'm sensing he's not in there.
I'm also sensing that Bigfoot might have a green thumb.
Which is weird, because he's Bigfoot.
Huh, these seeds all took really well.
Huh, well, this is surprisingly cozy.
What is that? Is that a solar panel? - Carlton.
- He's here! He's alive! Carlton, talk to me.
Tell me you're okay.
Ooh, I don't know.
I may have jumped the gun.
- Is that just his torso? - You are all heartless! - Oh, hey, guys.
- Carlton.
Oh, my God, we all thought that-- - They thought.
- No, I'm fine.
We were gonna come find you right after brunch.
We? All: Aah! - Aah! All: Aah! - Don't shoot! I'm unarmed! Dear God, you can speak.
Show me your hands! He's okay, O'Hara.
Okay, I may have fibbed a little bit right out of the gates there.
I'm armed, but I'm not dangerous.
You look dangerous.
I mean, I'm really dangerous.
I'm just not vengeful or vindictive.
It's okay, Ed.
They're with me.
Carlton, what is going on here? O'Hara, this here is Big Ed Dixon.
He saved my life.
Truth is my ankle was a lot worse off than I admitted.
I bled profusely, and at some point in the night, I passed out.
Hey, you found my shoe! I found the trap with blood on it, saw Carlton, put two and two together, and felt horrible.
It was my trap.
Big Ed picked me up like a baby fawn and brought me back here.
He cleaned up my ankle, redressed my wound.
What's with the furry costume? And what are you doing out here? I've been living in these woods for over a decade.
Sad truth is, I just lost faith in the human race.
Now, I was an army ranger back in the day, so I knew I could exist at one with nature.
I don't have to open the paper every morning and get depressed.
You lost faith in humanity.
You know, Gus and I thought about doing the same thing after we saw The Village, but then we didn't because that movie was horrible.
In any event, I created this pelt suit for camouflage.
It allows me to hunt and move about without disturbing the natural order of things.
- Plus, I burn easily.
- God, you're like predator.
But totally doable.
Well, I can't thank you enough for saving my partner, and I really hate to be a buzzkill here, but there are still three bodies that are unaccounted for.
I suppose you wouldn't know anything about that, would you, Mr.
Dixon? No, ma'am, I wouldn't hurt a fly.
Anybody hungry? - Oh, yeah.
- Yes.
I've been smoking some venison outside all morning.
Trust me, my dry-rub is the best thing you'll ever taste.
Uh, so it smells.
Oh, my God.
You're unbelievable.
- What? - Don't you "what?" me.
Show me your teeth.
You sampled the meat.
It's stuck in your teeth.
You tasted the meat when we all thought it was Lassie? So what, Shawn? What difference does it make? You're the one who said, "He smells delicious.
" I was trying to put a positive spin on a horrific event.
I certainly wasn't gonna partake.
I can feel my ribs, Shawn.
Gus, it hasn't even been Okay, okay, there's plenty of meat for everyone, and none of it's human, okay? I'm gonna hoof it up to the ranger station, get an ATV back in here for Carlton.
I just need to get out of this suit.
Speaking of suits, yours should be dry by now, Carlton.
Thanks, Ed.
Oh, this is like crack made out of deer.
Where is Shawn? Probably in the back, snooping around.
You guys aren't at all suspicious of Ed? You didn't seem to have any trouble eating his food.
Ow! Spencer, you better not be snooping back there! Pretty bare bones, huh, Ed? Well, what do we have there? [Grunting] I'm just saying, dude's been living here for how long? And he's never seen or heard anything? - Come on, son.
- Ed Dixon's an angel in wolf's, bear's, and elk's clothing.
Why would he nurse me back to health if he was a cold-blooded killer, Guster? It doesn't make sense.
He's a real man.
He's two men.
Seven feet and what? Like, 400 pounds? Did you get a load of those meat hooks? - Can you imagine? - Imagine what? Hey, you guys, you should get in here.
Damn it, Spencer, I told you not to-- I found these buried in the bottom of Ed's foot locker, soaking wet.
- It's Jimmy del Ray.
- Titus Clackum.
Both went missing two weeks ago.
The trail went ice-cold.
They're associated with the Serbian crime syndicate up north.
These guys have taken contract killing - to a whole new level.
- What did I tell you? Big Ed is taking out the trash for mobsters - who don't even speak English.
- We don't know that for sure.
I mean, they're bound to have accents.
Wait, there were three bodies in that hole.
- A woman? - Not necessarily.
Aah! I am sensing it was a girl with a dragon tattoo on the calf.
A dragon eating something bloody and heart-shaped.
- Heart.
- Eva Kirilenko.
I've certainly booked her enough times.
Hooker/stripper, and guess where she worked the pole.
I'll be damned.
She must've gotten mixed up in his business.
She should've stuck to hooking.
All right, there it is.
We know who the dead people are, and we know who killed them, and we're in his house.
Dixon, though? I mean it doesn't even sort of sound like Serbian name.
Unless he changed it from Dixonovich.
We need to get out of here.
Oh! Aah! You care to explain these? I found those netting salmon.
I'm afraid you're gonna have to come with us, Ed.
I'm afraid you're not gonna make it out of here alive, Carlton.
Um, Ed? I have a pulse.
He's still alive.
But I don't think he's gonna make it.
- Damn it.
- So does this mean - that Big Ed isn't a killer? - Yeah, probably, Kate.
But I don't think now's the time to make your move.
It's got to be the Serbians.
Aw, come on, man.
Don't tell me that.
How do we know Ed wasn't already working for them? Because he saved my life, and he served our country, and he lost his wife, and he's got a garden, Guster.
Why would the Serbs be out here? How would they have known Gus was gonna uncover those bodies? Right.
I didn't do it on purpose.
- The pictures on the blog.
- What about them? You guys have been posting pictures on your blog all over these woods this week.
The Serbs are bound to have people keeping tabs on the area.
You basically advertised that you were out here.
Which means they knew their dumping ground has been compromised, so they sent out some mule to tie up the loose ends and move the bodies.
- Including me? - No, Gus, you're probably okay.
Of course including you.
Everyone, all of us, and poor Big Ed.
He made it all the way back here to warn us, that brave sumbitch.
Or they let him go so they could track him and see where he goes.
So some cold-blooded Serbians are coming to kill us? Has the Student Academy Award ever been won posthumously? - We need to get out of here.
- Gus, no, it's too dangerous.
That's like leading lambs to slaughter.
O'Hara's right.
If they want a fight, we'll give them a fight.
- I'm really more of a lover.
All: We know.
So what the hell are we gonna do? Well, look around this place.
Let's get ready.
You do realize we're in grave danger, right, Chavo? - People need to know.
- What does that even mean? I have no idea.
It's just a default excuse people give in found-footage movies for why they keep shooting no matter what happens.
You guys are using me like a chest of drawers, aren't you? - Try to relax, Ed.
- Ow, that's wrong.
Go pro or go home.
[Glass shattering] All right.
I think we've done all we can do for tonight.
With any luck, sundown will come without incident.
We can head out of here at first light.
I'll be keeping watch out here, you guys stay in the back with Lassiter, and take your cues from him.
We are light on firearms, but he's got a gun in the back, and God knows what he used to do with that morning star.
I'm sorry it's come to this, but we will make it out of here if we work together.
Yeah, you know what? We're sorry too.
No, we're not.
[Gunshot] - Chi-Chi! Chi-Chi! Dude! - Take cover! Get in the cabin now! - Chi-Chi! - Aah! Flip the table over! - Gus, flip the table! - Oh, my God! - What about the camera? - Kate, what are you doing? People need to know! [Gunshot] - Oh! - Katie! - [Groaning] - Oof! Dude, she tried the Denzel.
- We're gonna get shot, Shawn! - Where did Jules go? I can't just leave her out here.
At least she has a gun.
[Gunshot] - [Shouting in Serbian] - [Squeals] It's the Serbs! [Squealing] [Shouting in Serbian] Ah! Ah! Holy living Mary.
[Shouting in Serbian] What do you think that means? It means we need to get out of here, Shawn.
Shawn! Gus! Where'd you guys go? - Shawn! - Lassie! Jules knows how to shoot a crossbow! [Both shouting in Serbian] Everybody get down! [Gunfire] [Gus screams] This is insane! [Shouting in Serbian] - Holy crap! - Uh, Kate.
[Speaking Serbian] What are you doing, Lassie? Shoot that dude.
- You stay down and shut up.
- Uhsomebody help us.
Come to papa, you son of a bitch.
- [Groaning] - Katie? Umhelp? Somebody help us! - Katie? - Somebody! Somebody help us! [Gunshots] Thank you! Thanks! Where's the other one? Lassie, you got him.
You totally shot that dude.
Of course I got him.
Don't be an idiot.
Where's O'Hara? I can't see anything to the west.
This could be my last meal, Shawn.
Whoa! Carlton, cover me! [Gunshots] Chavo, Kate, I need you guys to apply pressure to each other's wounds.
- Can you do that? - Chavo, how you holding up? - I peed.
I'm still peeing.
- Oh, Chavo, God! My hair! [Gunfire] [Grunts] Carlton! Shawn! Oh, my God! He shot Lassie! This is gonna be so hard on my son.
- You don't have a son.
- You know what I mean, Shawn.
[Squealing] [Speaking Serbian] [Both grunting] [Bones snap] Ed, you're alive.
Thank you.
No problem.
I feelwoozy.
- Jules, you're so badass.
- What happened? That dead Serb shot Lassie.
Carlton? Oh, come on.
Talk to me, Carlton.
[Groans] This really hasn't been my day, O'Hara.
It's a damn shame.
Here lies Big Ed Dixon.
He was a gentle giant with a sensitive soul and an impressive armament of medieval weaponry.
If it wasn't for him, - Gus would be dead.
- So would you, Shawn.
Now that remains open for debate.
There is no debate.
Bang, bang, I'm dead, you're dead.
I would've thrown the camera at his face, Gus.
Oh, please, there's no way you would've thrown--aah! - Ow! [Groans] - What? Doesn't anybody check for a pulse anymore? Oh, my gosh.
You're still alive.
I-I-I'm sorry.
I didn't know, Ed.
Hold on.
I need an EMT over here right now! Ed Dixon is alive! Hang in there, Ed.
We're gonna get you to the hospital stat.
Um, I kind of turned my back on modern medicine ten years ago.
I'm fine.
Can you just pull this axe out of my spine, please? Uh, I think you might want to make an exception for this one.
You don't want to get a staph infection.
Yeah, I suppose so.
I'm getting woozy.
Didn't anybody hear me? Ed Dixon is alive! [Pop music] [Cheers and applause] That's pretty much it, guys.
That's--that's our film.
- Did that just say "Seacrest"? - Yeah, you know what, Chavo? I realized, uh, while I was doing the credits that I don't know your last name.
I mean, I assume it's something like "Cortez" or "Jinjosa," or "Ponce de Leon," but, uh, I wasn't positive, so I just, uh-- I went with something safe.
- That is safe.
- It's genius, Shawn.
That is the best film I have seen since Love and Basketball.
Wow, that's-- Oh, um, I really liked some of the nice editing choices you made.
The dissolve was great.
And, ooh! The--the flashback? Nice touch.
Well, uh, that flashback is actually how it-- how it looks in my head, this psychic brain of mine.
I thought it might be nice to give you guys a little peek into the process that I am a slave to.
Please remove your arm from around my shoulder this second.
You got it, chief.
Yes, well, you're all very lucky to be alive.
The Serbians don't mess around.
Especially when they're wearing masks and speaking Serbian.
Well said, pop.
I'm also happy to report that Big Ed will make a full recovery.
- Mm-hmm.
- God love him.
And if I may just add that, while I'm not particularly pleased with how I'm portrayed in this film, Detective O'Hara's heroics cannot be overstated.
Yeah! [Applause] Shawn, thanks for putting this all together.
It was the least we can do.
I mean, after all, you are giving up your Student Academy Award by offering up this footage as evidence.
Hopefully it will bring you some comfort to know that the remaining killer will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
Well, it all worked out about as well as it could considering that most of you have gunshot wounds.
You ever been shot, papa bear? Yeah.
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I have.
That's super hot.
Okay, well, you know, some of us do have to get back - to running a precinct, so-- - [Chuckling] I appreciate that, Karen, but you're the one that does the heavy lifting around here.
Drive safe, if you drove.
"Gopher"? You credited me as "Gopher"? You must be out of your damn mind, Shawn.
I put my life on the line.
I was supposed to be C-camera operator and co-producer.
We had a deal.
Not to mention my points on the back end.
You're right.
This is an outrage.
I'm gonna take this up with post.
Wait a second, you are post.
Get back here, Shawn!