Psych Episode Scripts

N/A - Remake A.K.A. Cloudy... With a Chance of Improvement

You, as a jury, have the responsibility to bring justice.
But I'm gonna make it very easy on you because the prosecution will prove-- No, Shawn, I'm not nervous to testify.
You just gotta get up there and tell the truth.
The jury is not just one thing.
It's 12 individuals who each bring their own unique perspective into the courtroom.
It's the lawyer's job to read that perspective.
For instance, what do you notice about juror number three's shirt? He's got a hole in his collar, and it's buttoned all wrong.
Would mommy ever let you leave the house looking like that? Course not.
So that tells me that this guy is single, which is gonna influence the way he thinks about the defendant because she's a young, attractive woman.
You got it? Hey, come on.
Concentrate, Shawn.
One day you're gonna make me proud walking up the steps of this courthouse.
They impounded my motorcycle, Gus.
That's what they did.
- What are you staring at? - The future, Shawn.
I have a personal GPS system in my phone.
It's like I'm starring in my own spy movie.
Oh, you were, until you got recast.
- What? - Oh, God, no one told you? - What are you talking about? - From here on out, you're gonna be played by Billy Bob Thornton.
Why would Billy Bob Thornton be the choice to play me? He shouldn't be.
But he also shouldn't have been the choice to replace Matthau as Buttermaker in the Bad News Bears remake.
But that happened, didn't it, Gus? I hate remakes.
It's infuriating, Gus.
You don't remake The Dukes of Hazzard.
The whole point of a remake is to choose something that showed serious promise but failed to live up to expectations.
I mean, that's the magic of movies.
Oh, I feel you.
They added all those new characters that were super broad.
The whole subplot with the race car driver.
- He was terrible.
- It was cartoonish.
That's weird, it says we're in front of Whiffle Waffles on Harbor Ave.
Hold the syrup, who is that? - Relax.
No.
- Wait, wait.
This is gonna be money.
This is money.
Hi there.
My name is Shawn Spencer.
This is my partner Robert Jones, but you may call him Bob.
We would like to cast you in the remake of his life.
Don't pay him any mind.
My name is Burton Guster.
Hello.
Do you by chance know where the parking ticket payment window is? You poor thing.
Yeah, I do, actually.
It's down the hall to your left, then you're gonna make another left, and then left again at the double doors.
Thank you again for your kindness.
"So shines a good deed in a weary world.
" Aww, Willy Wonka.
One of my favorites.
"Snozzberry? Who's ever heard of a snozzberry?" "We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of the dreams.
" I can't believe they remade it.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Hey, sorry.
- It's time for us to go.
- Okay.
By the way, have you seen my notebook? It's a big, blue thing.
It has all my notes in it.
No.
All right, well, um, it was really nice to meet you guys.
Good luck with the tickets.
Yeah.
We should go.
And so she walked out of our lives forever.
Congratulations.
You are now a full-fledged fugitive.
Come on, man, you're the one that put waffles into my head.
Besides, I hardly think the court system expected me to wait in line that long.
That's exactly what they expected.
Ah! Good morning, Connie.
Good morning, Morty.
Hey! Sun Up Santa Barbara.
I'm Morty Camp, and this sitting here right next to me is my lovely wife Connie Camp.
- Oh, Morty.
- Am I right? - Oh, come on.
- This guy knows I'm right.
Man, you are so irascible.
Oh, I can't help it.
You know, 15 years of marriage, and I'm still smitten.
I would take you over Kelly Ripa any day of the week and not just the weekdays.
That kind of love is beautiful, Shawn.
- I wish I had what he has.
- Well, Connie roving reporter Ruben Leonard will be on location with a veterinarian, uh, who designs cosmetic testicles for neutered dogs.
Restoring their dognity.
And on a more dour note, one of our very own KRXJ family, weatherman Jackson Hale was attacked right here at the station last month and sadly died from those injuries.
Just a horrible, shocking tragedy.
So, so shocking.
He was such a good man.
- Mm, the best.
- And, Morty, - he was so very handsome.
- Oh, what a true Adonis.
- What a head of hair on that guy.
- Yeah.
Well, we'll be bringing you up-to-the-minute coverage of the trial of his accused murderer.
Now, as promised, we take you live to the courthouse steps for a press conference already in progress.
Logan Phelps for the prosecution.
Sandra Panitch went with Jackson Hale to the Channel 8 News Studio, engaged in sexual relations, then stabbed him in the heart with a knife.
Hey, that's the girl we met in the hallway today that flirted with me.
It is.
Hello there.
My name is Shawn Spencer.
This is my partner Robert Jones.
A killer though? Her? Adam Hornstock.
Attorney for the defense.
Sandra Panitch has never been arrested for a crime in her life.
She is a preschool teacher and spends most of her time baking for the-- She's preschool teacher.
- For the-- - Who bakes.
- For the-- - She's a bake lady, Gus.
- Wow.
- For the-- Look at this poor guy.
Assistant league.
Assistance league.
Have you seen my notebook by the way? It's a big, blue thing.
It's got all my notes in it.
Handkerchief in his left breast pocket.
It's not decorative.
It's used for dabbing sweat-- and a lot of it.
Nervous, discombobulated, unorganized.
Adam Hornstock may not know it yet, but he needs us.
Objection! Excuse me.
Who are these guys? And why are you in my courtroom? I'm here to pay a parking ticket, your majesty, and we are also here as consultants for the defense.
Legal consultants? I know you know that I'm not telling the truth I know you know, they just don't have any proof embrace the deception learn how to bend your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end - Who are you guys? - I just met them this morning.
Name's Shawn Spencer, just set up a psychic detective shingle.
Don't have business cards yet, but we're here to help.
Help? Why is your arm around my shoulder? - That's really weird.
- That's fair, you're right.
Gus.
Is your friend hitting on my client? Not successfully.
Mr.
Hornstock, would you like to explain who these miscreants are? Oh, yes, I would, your honor.
More than anything in the world.
But may I have a moment? For your sake, that's a good idea.
Five-minute recess.
Recess? That's odd.
Okay.
Hey, Phelps! You a hopscotch man? Oh, Hornstock, you hired babysitters.
Doesn't matter.
You're losing this case either way.
Okay, seriously, did my dad hire you guys? My brother? I knew they didn't think I could handle this.
- They don't believe in me.
- Adam, Adam, Adam.
I'm Burton Guster, and I'm a legal expert of sorts.
- You're a lawyer.
- Almost a lawyer.
I was on an early track to become one.
In the sixth grade.
Plus, I've seen every courtroom drama ever made.
That's true, he's like Debra Winger in Legal Eagles.
I'm Glenn Close in Jagged Edge, and you know it.
I like both those movies.
Look, I can't hire you guys.
I don't have the authority.
I have zero power.
I don't even have my own office.
Don't I have the authority? Don't worry about that.
We're doing this one pro bono.
We are both professional bonos.
What? Just give me one witness, Hornstock.
One witness! Your honor, we'd like to call our independent expert pathologist from Los Angeles Woodrow Juniper Strode.
Dr.
Strode.
You are a board-certified pathologist.
- Is that correct? - I am.
And did you examine the body of Jackson Hale on the evening of his death? And please do answer honestly.
- You are under oath.
- I did.
And that evening, I ate an old-school Salisbury steak TV dinner, but I ate the brownie first.
I know that was wrong.
This is your expert pathologist? I'm only being honest.
I don't know if you heard, I'm under oath.
Yes or no, doctor? Please! - Yes.
- Dr.
Strode, what did you observe on the body Uh-oh.
I don't think juror number five likes you at all.
She doesn't like me? Oh, it's the tie.
What's wrong with my tie? Well, it's a little bit, uh It's - Weigh in here, Gus.
- I'm not doing that, Shawn.
- Come on, just tell him.
- I'm not doing it.
Look at the tie, and tell him what you think.
- Gus, give me your tie.
- What? - I feel like it's important-- - This is my tie.
This woman's life is hanging on a balance-- - It's my tie.
- You see that-- Uh, your honor? Objection! - Irrelevant and inadmissible.
- Sustained.
- Really? - Yes, really.
You wanna argue with me? Oh, you guys are really good at this.
The tie is working.
Maybe we really have a shot at this.
You guys we have a bona fide defense team now.
Hey, Detective Lassiter.
And hello, Junior Detective Ow.
O'Hara.
What are you guys doing in the courthouse? Detective Lassiter and I made the arrest of Sandra Panitch.
- What are you staring at? - Your clavicle.
- I'm here because it's my case.
- It's also our case.
We just signed on to be legal consultants to the defense.
She's innocent, we know it.
Oh, you know.
Well, that's good.
Apparently you know more than a legal system that's been established for over 200 years.
Do you have any idea how foolish you sound? Cavemen with ties suing dinosaurs.
I am caveman.
- I invented wheel, not crog.
- Shawn.
You can't possibly be this stupid.
Come on, detective.
Ah! Wait! Gah! I'm getting really strong vibes here.
What are you doing for the next eight years? Because I am sensing that we become very much involved.
You're way off on that, Shawn.
- Do we have ups and downs? - Mm-hmm.
Sure, like anyone would.
I can see it so clearly.
Your corn-silk hair nestled on this gentleman's shoulder, right in the crook.
O'Hara, shake a leg! Never happening, Shawn.
Okay.
But you're adorable when you're in denial.
Do not talk to him.
Shawn, Gus! Thank you again.
Oh, but now I have so much work to do.
All these depositions and witness reports to comb over.
I haven't even cracked open the Ruben Leonard file.
- Can I count on your help? - Sorry, Hornstock.
It's just, uh, it's not the way we work.
I need to touch things, taste things, and smell things.
Smell them? - And Gus doesn't even read.
- What? We all have our strengths.
Ours are in front of the camera.
We're going live in five, four-- Okay, we are back, Santa Barbara.
And Morty and I are cozying up on the couch for one of our famous Sip n'Chat segments.
You know, Connie, I never get sick of our theme music.
I love it.
Well, we are joined today by two very special guests.
Now they have just joined the defense team of the Jackson Hale trial.
Please welcome Shawn Spencer and "Burtine Guston.
" Welcome.
Thank you so much, Connie and Morty.
Now, not to be a skeptic, but I just don't think I've heard of a psychic detective before.
- Have you, Morty? - No, no, I have not.
- No, Connie, no.
- Yeah.
But it seems fascinating.
Mm, for a children's party maybe.
- Well, yes.
- But for a murder trial? Shawn, I mean, listen.
Sandra Panitch, she is facing some very serious charges, and I certainly don't wanna try her - in the court of public opinion.
- No, no, no, no.
But I will say this.
Things do not look good for her.
- No, they do not.
- Right? Oh, my God.
Not to mention the shenanigans of her attorney.
Oh, yeah.
- Adam - Hornstock? Is that it? Hornstock.
He is an odd duck, isn't he? - Yeah.
- Isn't that right? Wouldn't you say that about him? Yeah, I would say you two have your work cut out for you.
Uh- Well, don't worry, don't worry.
I was pre-pre-pre-law.
Ah.
Oh, Doogie Howser.
Well, you know, Jackson Hale was a colleague, but he was also a dear friend.
And I think we all just want justice.
Mm-hmm, and you know what else we want is to see you guys when we come back - Hey! - After this short break.
And we're clear.
Three minutes, everyone.
That is one hell of a pinkie ring.
- So - Thanks.
Thank you.
Shawn, I would get a huge kick out of you using your psychic powers to tell me what I am thinking right now.
Oh.
Yeah, sure, I can do that.
There's a bit of pageantry involved, so - Oh! - I'm just gonna need you to-- - I'm not surprised.
- Okay.
Trust the process.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Well, it's a physical process.
Mm.
And here it is.
I think I've got it.
The thoughts that you're having about my partner not suitable for a morning show.
You know, I'm getting something else right now too.
It's pretty juicy.
You guys aren't even together right now.
- What's that about? - I don't think so.
Morty's not even staying at the house, Gus.
- Yeah, he's chilling at a motel.
- Really? That can't be good, so your relationship's a sham then, which means that this whole show is a sham.
- It's a sham.
Hey, get off! - Hey, come on.
- You get off! - Morty, hey! - Back up, back up! - Morty, Morty! - Ow, ah! - Yeah.
- Come on, get over here! - Morty.
- All right! - Stop! All right, look.
I don't know how you figured out any of that, but it is none of your business.
Everything in the psychic realm is my business, Jack.
And it's true, all right? Our marriage is on the bends.
But the network told us to keep it under wraps for the sake of the show.
There is more to it than that.
- We're working it out.
- We really are.
'Cause I gotta say, this whole Jackson Hale murder thing has just really made me appreciate the frailty of life.
I mean, he is out there gallivanting around with all these women - I warned him.
- It gets him killed.
It gets him killed.
Also, I don't mind saying, - being single in this town - Mm.
Is worse than death, you know? And I have started to come to realize very, very, very recently that I have a man right next to me.
- And he is just fine.
- Hey, look.
I mean, I know I'm a really good-looking newscaster, and I could Aaron Eckhart my way around town if I wanted-- - Aaron Eckhart? - Well, whatever.
I can Jim Caviezel my way around town if I want.
We would just appreciate if you would keep this under wraps.
Please, for the sake of the crew morale.
- What? - I'm sorry to interrupt.
Ms.
Camp, your tennis lesson was changed to 5:00 P.
M.
today.
Thank you, Priscilla.
- Mr.
Spencer - That's me.
And friend, I'm Priscilla Morgenstern.
I'm the receptionist here.
I was told that you would like a tour of the studio.
Well, if you are the studio, then yes, that's correct.
And then we'd like to see where this horrible murder took place.
All right, let's walk the crime.
You're standing exactly right where it happened.
So grisly.
All right, Priscilla.
What am I looking at? What is this? This is a green screen, so we can superimpose any images of the weather we would like onto it.
He would bring a girl back to where he does the weather? Was this a typical Friday night for him? I didn't really know him enough to say.
Rumor has it he was into some pretty kinky stuff.
I guess some girls like a weather set and a camera.
Gus does the same thing, but he's the only one in the videos.
My typical Friday night is alone on my couch eating leftover shishito peppers and watching Jericho.
- Really? - Follow me.
Guess there's a lid for every pot.
Yeah.
This is where we keep all our newscasters' offices, our editing bays also.
Several notices for cat-sitters if you need any.
Hey, ho, ho! This here is the break room? - Are those snacks? - May we partake? Are they free? I call it first.
Just need a little something to hold me over.
Visitors don't get snacks.
This also doubles as Ruben Leonard's office.
He is our roving human interest reporter.
- Oh.
- Although most of his stories are usually neither of those things.
Ruben is taking over as our temporary weatherman.
I haven't even cracked open the Ruben Leonard file.
Priscilla, do you know where Ruben is roving at this very moment? Gus, this is exactly what it feels like to walk on the moon if the moon was black.
- The moon is black, Shawn.
- What? The moon is black, Aegeus is black, and grimace is black.
End of story.
Whoa, Gus! I think that's Ruben Leonard.
- Is he dead? - I don't know.
Ruben? Ruben! Ruben! Ruben! Ruben Leonard! He's alive, he's alive! Hoo! I'm good.
I'm good.
I just have a scoliosis rod in my back, so uneven surfaces are not my friend.
Oh, okay.
I see.
Well my name is Shawn Spencer.
I am a psychic detective.
This is Gus.
He's my black Cameron.
We are legal consultants on the Jackson Hale murder trial.
We'd like to ask you a few questions.
Oh, uh, I'm about to go on the air live, and I need to practice this, so I don't look like a complete idiot.
Do you have until 2007? What was your relationship with Jackson Hale? I admired him greatly.
But isn't it true that you too wanted to be a weatherman? Oh, I love the weather, but I could never do what he did.
So you really enjoy getting up at 4:00 A.
M.
And covering Goleta Seniors' Bakeoff and Poetry Jam? You know, I do, but what can I say? - I'm a fan of the arts.
- Ruben? - We're ready.
- Okay.
Gus.
We got this guy.
Hello, I'm Ruben Leonard, and all these kids are jumping for charity.
Oh! - Oh! - Boy! Connie, did you see that direct hit? Ooh! Your witness, Mr.
Hornstock.
Let's go.
You going to question him or not? Oh, Shawn, my father's here.
He's come to watch me fail.
Huh? Wait, you don't think Ruben Leonard had anything to do with the murder, do you? Not really, no.
But if we can get one member of that jury to ask the same question, we're in business.
Start with this.
Mr.
Leonard, you are a meteorologist, aren't you? - I am indeed.
- But not on the air.
No, not thus far.
Well, maybe that's because you don't have a meteorologist's name.
I don't follow.
Well, if I was to look up the name Leonard in, say, a weather glossary, would I see a definition? No, you wouldn't.
Where is this going? Yes, Mr.
Hornstock, where is this going? Oh, I'm sorry, your honor, it's just that every successful weatherman that I know has a real weatherman's name.
Jackson Hale, for example.
That isn't even his real name.
Precisely! Have you ever considered going by the name Cumulus Jacott? - That's ridiculous.
- Is it though? How about Aurora Borealis? Humid Lazenby? Frozen Diamond Doppler Dewey? I'm just fine with my name.
Hurricane Carter? Leif Garrett? How about Blizzardo? Or maybe Tsunami Ali? Puddles Takahama! Dr.
Jekyll and Mr.
High Tide! Dick Iceluge! I have a degree in meteorology from the University of Virginia, and I was junior tornado watch captain for seven years.
Jackson Hale had a degree in physical education from a junior college and a master's in grab-ass! He was worthless! He was worthless! And he was an embarrassment to every real meteorologist like myself, and he should've been stabbed in the heart a long time ago.
Thank you.
Objection! A little late for that.
Don't you think, counselor? That's the kind of confidence I'm talking about.
We are on our way to winning this thing.
That was awesome! What? First, we make nicey-nice with Rubes, and then we find evidence that sends him to the chair.
Boom.
Happy Monday, Priscilla.
- It's Thursday.
- I don't think that's true.
Did I mention that Gus here is single and ready to mingle? - It's true.
- Where's Ruben? He's about to do the weather.
He should be on the soundstage by now.
No, you cannot just go in there.
It's okay.
We're on-air personalities.
Thank you! - Probably a buckle.
- Oh, yeah.
It's kinda heavy, it's kinda heavy.
Doesn't wanna budge at all! Uh-oh, Gus.
"Uh-oh" what? Uh-oh, Ruben.
Uh-oh.
This better be good, Spencer.
Trust me, Lassie, this was well worth the trip.
- Shawn? - Dad? Get over here now.
He's probably lost.
Ha.
Just give me one second, you guys.
What are you doing here? No, what are you doing here at Sun Up Santa Barbara, making an ass out of yourself? What, do you guys think you're lawyers now? Yeah, minus the law degree and whatever else is required.
Note to self, that would make a heck of a TV show.
That is my name you're throwing around out there, and I've got a reputation in this town.
Would you relax? We are doing whatever we have to do to find out who really killed Jackson Hale.
Spencer, I don't have all day.
I'm speaking with my maker.
Fine.
This is not some silly game, and you better not treat it like one.
I'm doing my damnedest here to make you proud in as subdued and civilized manner as I know how.
After all who taught me everything I know? Okay, thanks.
I-- I appreciate that.
Good talk, pop.
Thanks for coming by.
Psychic vision time, baby! I am sensing that Ruben Leonard hated Jackson Hale because he was an untouchable weatherman who liked to be touched by the la-la-la-ladies.
Ruben knew he would never get a chance to be weatherman as long as Jackson was still around.
So he decided to pay him a visit at the station on the night that he was pumpernickeling Sandra Panitch.
And that is when he killed him in cold blood.
That is edge-of-your-seat kind of stuff there, Spencer, but you have no evidence.
Is that the murder weapon? Where's Ruben now? He's getting ready to do the weather.
Crap! So, Santa Barbara, if you've got-- like I was saying, if you've got, um, big plans this weekend, keep those fingers crossed 'cause rain it's coming.
Why are you looking at me like that? The guilt is eating him alive.
Stop looking at me like that.
It's all lies.
He's gonna make a run for it.
He can't make a run for it, can he? No way.
I don't think so.
I'll tell you what else is lies.
These accusations that I killed Jackson Hale.
Lies! - Should I do something? - Lies! What the hell are you gonna do? I did not kill that silver-headed man-slut.
Sure, you didn't.
And neither did Sandra Panitch.
But I'll tell you-- I'll tell you who did do it.
Oof.
Um, we'll be right back.
All right, there's one thing here we know for certain.
This proves that Sandra isn't our killer.
Gus is right.
She's in custody.
No way she could've poisoned Ruben.
Slow your roll there, detective.
We don't know that Ruben was poisoned.
For all we know, this man died of a heart attack.
All I know is that Jackson had a lot of girlfriends.
Ha, and trust me, I know from experience, you can't keep them all happy.
You feel me? Anyone? Amen.
Gus just made us all feel very awkward, but he could be right.
Maybe we should be looking at all the other women that Jackson was-- Hi.
Did I mention that Gus here is single and ready to mingle? Dude, you were dead wrong.
We should be looking at the one woman - that Jackson wasn't haling on.
- What? The one gal he wasn't playing "Pants Off, Dance Off" with.
What are you talking about, Shawn? Call Hornstock and tell him we wanna move Priscilla to the top of the witness list.
Priscilla, isn't it true that you pined for Jackson Hale? No.
Really chapped your chassis that he liked a lot of women but not you.
Objection.
Leading.
Overruled.
Made you feel like you weren't good enough.
No.
And Jackson Hale wasn't very picky either, was he? And that just drove you nuts, didn't it? No.
Talk about his hair or the way he smelled or something.
Priscilla! Jackson Hale's silver locks really revved your engine, didn't they? And you wanted to be the lone lady of his desires.
But he acted like you weren't a human person with feelings and emotions and passions and dreams and lots of love in your heart.
You have so much to give, and Jackson Hale was just too foolish to see how amazing you are and what life could've been like if he had taken a chance on you instead of all those other ladies with flaming eagles tattooed just above their seat cushion! Yes! Yes! Yes! I was his dream girl.
I was! What else did I have to do to show him I was the one? The one! Prosecution requests a recess, frankly, to regroup.
Yeah, they do.
I think that the prosecution should dismiss all the charges, your honor.
Both counsels approach the bench.
Tough break, Phelpsy.
Get your boney elbows off my bench.
Yes, sir.
Judge, what we were thinking is maybe, uh, 250 grand would be enough to make this go away, yeah? That's not how it works, Shawn.
- How about - Hey! - Gift cards? - Objection! Uh, whispering to the witness.
- Yeah, what-- - Mr.
Phelps are you trying to be in contempt? No, judge.
But there will be no dropping of any charges because Priscilla didn't do it.
Yeah, sure, she didn't.
- Are you ready to go there? - Yeah.
The prosecution is ready to question the witness.
- It's your funeral, Phelpsy.
- Okay.
Priscilla, isn't it true that you were at the Santa Bar-Bar-Bara pub the night of Jackson Hale's murder? Yes.
And is there someone who could vouch for your whereabouts the entire night? Yep.
Mr.
Strode, could you please tell the court where you were the evening of March 5th? Uh, the Santa Bar-Bar-Bara pub, looking for the person who slipped a Mickey into my sloe gin fizz the week before.
I see.
That was the best Mickey I've ever been slipped.
I gotta find that guy and thank him.
Mr.
Strode, did you meet anyone on that night in question? Oh, yes.
Hopefully my future bride.
And where did that night take you exactly? To my airstream for something the locals often refer to as "sex.
" Fantastic.
It was.
Now, Mr.
Strode, can you point to that lady here today? I believe I can.
Please note the witness is pointing to Priscilla Morgenstern.
She stayed the whole night.
Which is rare for me.
Slept like an angel.
The shaft of morning light grazing her bosom, until she bolted upright and ran to the bathroom where she showered three times, brushed her teeth for almost an hour, and left like a blaze of beautiful glory.
You see, Priscilla went to the bar that night to make her move on Jackson and finally let him know how she felt about him.
But Jackson already had his eyes on his next conquest, Sandra Panitch! Uh, um, objection.
Speculation.
Overruled.
So Priscilla got bleary-eyed drunk with this man, Mr.
Strode, who is literally the last guy left in the bar, and she sloppily made one of the greatest beer-goggle mistakes of all time.
Sandra Panitch left the bar that night with Jackson Hale and killed him in cold blood.
The evidence says that it is so! - Is this--is this it? - Here you go.
What's on the tape? - What's on the tape? - What's on the tape? What's on the-- Your honor, the prosecution would like to present some new evidence.
You see, the head TV technician at the station has been able to retrieve a backup copy of the video footage from the night of the murder off his hard drive and onto this VHS.
This tape, people, right here tells the story and is the final nail in Sandra Panitch's coffin.
So this is where the news happens? Oh, forget about the news.
- This is all about the weather.
- Oh.
Hornstock.
Let me know when you're ready to plea to murder two.
Sandra, the best advice I can give you as a lawyer is to take the plea.
Shawn, if it were you, and you didn't do it, what would you do? Look, Sandra Don't fill her head with false hopes.
She's looking at life.
Take the plea.
- Life? - Do not take the plea! Hornstock, get back in there.
Buy us another hour with the judge.
Please.
Sandra, don't worry, okay? I'm gonna find something.
Somewhere.
You have my hand-to-head promise.
I got nothing.
The only problem is Hornstock is due back in court any minute now.
There's gotta be a hidden clue somewhere.
Go down there and stall! I don't know how to do that, Shawn.
You are Matthew McConaughey, and this is your time to kill.
Now, go! Man! Keep your shirt on though.
Come on.
My patience is running thinner, counselor.
If your consultants don't show up here soon, I'm going to send this jury off for deliberations.
No, no, no.
No, sir, I-- - I really don't-- - Why are you fidgeting? Oh, I did have, um, a little issue during the break, sir, but I cleared it up with a Mylanta.
Your honor, the state is still willing to accept the plea.
Obviously counsel is crumbling.
And frankly, it's hard to watch.
Ah, well, here comes one of them.
- How'd Shawn do? - Nothing.
- He's still on it.
- What? No! No, it's too late! I don't have any witnesses.
I don't have any motions.
Sandra I'm sorry.
I got it.
Your honor, at this juncture, I-- Not just yet, your honor.
If I may, I'd like to address the court.
Objection.
This man cannot address any court.
Young man, have you ever attended a law school? Just Ms.
Finkelman's sixth-grade class, sir, "Me, You, and the Law.
" Well, it is under my discretion to allow any testimony that may speak to the truth in this case-- tiny leash.
Go.
Oh, uh-- Thank you, sir.
Uh, excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I would like to, uh, just, uh--- Just what? Speak! Excuse me, sir, but you are being rude.
Is it because I'm a yute? - A what? - What's a yute? Oh, a yute, a yute.
It's a youth.
It's from My Cousin Vinny.
Terrific film, sir.
Objection, your honor.
It's okay, decent at best.
I don't care what cousin it's coming from.
I'm about to hold you two in contempt.
So the plea bargain is just out? We can't go back now and get the-- do something.
Uh they--they-- they beat up on a weakling.
The rest is just smoke-filled, coffeehouse crap! They tortured and tormented a weaker kid, and why? Because he couldn't run very fast.
- A Few Good Men! - Exactly.
I'm warning you.
You think you have a monopoly on the truth? All right, that's it.
You are in contempt.
Wrong! You want me on that wall.
You need me on that wall.
Enough! Bailiff, please remand this yute into custody.
Come on, son.
Don't you "come on, son" me.
I am a lawyer and an officer in the United States Navy.
And you, sir, are under arrest, you son of a bitch.
Hey.
Do Bonfire.
What does it matter the color of a man's skin if men of the cloth, men of God take the prime cuts? - I liked that one.
- Me too.
I hope they don't remake it.
Dr.
Towler told me to change the form.
He told me to change the "1" to a "9.
" He said I'd never work again.
Who were these men? Who were these men? I wanted to be a nurse! Yo, what was that last one? The Verdict.
Paul Newman.
Never saw it, but I like that dude's popcorn.
Shawn, I did it! I did it! Good job, buddy.
I'll take it from here.
Miss me? Hey, Jules.
Bless you.
Ladies and gentlemen of the court, juror number five, and the Honorable Judge H.
Lees, the defense would like to call to the stand Mr.
Mortimer Camp.
Objection! Mr.
Camp is not on trial here, and a psychic cannot speak to witnesses.
Judge, I now have evidence that will shine a shocking and vibrant light on this case.
Your honor, after what we just saw, you couldn't possibly allow this.
Your honor! Mr.
Camp, your wife wanted a divorce.
You did not.
True? She was unhappy.
I understood.
Sometimes things are a lot more one-sided than we would like them to be, aren't they, Mr.
Camp? For example, I can relate because I'm a psychic.
Which means love is even more difficult for me than it is for you.
But there is a woman in this courtroom right now, a little slice of blonde perfection, a perfectly formed beignet lightly dusted with powdered sugar and a badge.
The first time that I saw her, I had a vision that we would be married, and we would have so many kids that most of them would have to be put up for adoption.
Where are you going with this, Mr.
Spencer? Judge, I can't answer that question for you.
I mean, we work together.
It'd be like the two of you having a connection and wondering if it's real or Is it real, how do you know? You don't.
Mr.
Camp, you couldn't make your wife love you, so that made you even more jealous, didn't it? No more jealous than any other man would be in the same position.
She was lying to you! She told you she was taking tennis lessons after work.
Did you really believe that? Of course I did.
She's my wife.
I mean, look, I know I'm a really good-looking newscaster and I could Aaron Eckhart my way around town if I-- No, no, not Aaron Eckhart.
I could Patrick Wilson my way around town.
Better.
You were deceived! Here's the irony-- she was actually going to see a marriage therapist instead.
Your tennis lesson's been changed to 5:00 P.
M.
today.
She was seeing Dr.
Rosen, the marriage therapist, instead, and if she'd only told you that, perhaps you wouldn't have taken matters into your own hands.
You were convinced that she was cheating on you with Hale, so you decided to catch them in the act.
Yes, so you laid waiting in the station on the set 'cause you knew Jackson liked to take his ladies there to seduce them, to film his trysts.
I guess some girls are turned on by a weather set.
You heard Jackson enter that night.
It was dark, shadowy.
You premeditated this murder, but you were convinced it was your wife.
And you knew he'd bring her back to the studio where he secretly films his trysts.
Using the technician's green screen suit, you knew you'd remain undetected.
You waited for them to drop out of frame-- And you knocked that poor girl out cold and stabbed you some Jackson Hale.
Then you noticed it wasn't Connie at all, it was my client Sandra Panitch, an innocent girl who walked into a deadly love triangle.
I did, I did.
I walked right into it.
But I had one drink, and you know, my friends were teasing me because I never had a one-night stand.
So I thought, like, oh, tonight's the night.
- Maybe I should do it.
- Sandy, shh, shh.
And his teeth were so white, and his hair was shin-- Since Jackson Hale was not sleeping with your wife, you thought you could still put your marriage back together.
And you tried to pin it on Sandra Panitch.
And you thought you could get away with first-degree murder.
That is a compelling courtroom drama you've written there.
Good luck proving it.
Oh, we're about to prove it right now.
Officer, the monitor, please.
Ladies and gentlemen, for your viewing pleasure, I present-- So this is where the news happens? Oh, forget about the news.
This is all about the weather.
This proves nothing.
I'm not there.
I'm not there.
Mr.
Spencer, I see no evidence of Mr.
Camp in this video at all.
Precisely, judge.
You see, Mr.
Camp wore a green suit that night.
He knew we wouldn't be able to see him on this tape, because he knew his green suit would not be visible in front of the green screen background.
But his pinkie would.
What is he even talking about? Look, there you are, standing up, still invisible after the dirty deed.
But there's one thing you didn't know.
All of your dirty stabbing caused you to tear one of the fingers of your green-suited glove.
That is your pinkie sticking out from behind that large building.
Objection! How would the defense possibly prove that it's Mr.
Camp's pinkie? I found myself wondering that very same thing as I stared out into the twinkling Santa Barbara sky.
But then I realized one of those twinkles isn't a star.
I know what tore that suit.
It's an opal stone from a pinkie ring.
But not just any pinkie ring - Ah! - Sorry.
That's what I get for not looking.
What are you-- Thatpinkie ring.
Game, set, match.
Any final words, Mr.
Camp? I love you, Connie.
I just wanted us to be happy together.
I would've done anything for you.
Including murder.
Yes, including stabbing and murdering, I mean-- Double, now that I think about it.
'Cause you killed that poor schlep Ruben Leonard right before he did the weather, isn't that right? Two-for-one day.
Two-for-one day, judge.
God.
Ah, come here.
We did it.
Yeah.
Come on.
Yeah.
- H-stock! - Hey, what's up, guys? I just wanted to stop by, say thank you again for helping me.
And I got Gus a little something.
- Oh, dude! My tie.
- Classy.
Yeah, gave me the confidence to win the case, but, uh, I don't need it anymore.
I think there's a stain on this tie.
Eh, no stain.
I don't mean to be cocky, but, uh, I feel like I can do anything now.
I think it's ketchup.
Who does that? Who borrows a tie and returns it with a stain? Hey, Shawn, can I broach something personal with you? Broach away.
You know that junior detective that you're so smitten with? - Jules.
Sure.
- Jules.
If things aren't gonna go anywhere in the future, would you mind if I threw my hat in the ring? Are you being serious? Yeah, I mean, only if you're cool with it.
Otherwise, you know, I'll back off.
Course I'm cool with it, man.
I mean, she does her thing, you know I do my thing.
And you know, and then sometimes, you know, we fiddle.
We fiddle about.
But yeah, you should go for it.
- Yeah? Really? - Yeah, get in there if you can.
- Yeah? - Yeah, do it up! Make it happen for yourself if it's right.
- Nah, I won't do it.
- No, you should do it.
- You want me to? - Do it.
All right, I'm gonna go do this.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna do it right now.
I'm gonna go get her right now.
Oh, you guys.
I'll see you around, guys.
All righty, buddy.
You are really gonna let him do that? Oh, please, Gus.
Come on.
She's not gonna be into Hornstock.
- He's Hornstock.
- How do you know? Because I can-- Dude, you realize you're not really psychic.
Son of a-- Hornstock, hold up! Just wait a second! Hold up for a--