Puppy Love (2014) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 DOG BARKING MUSIC PLAYS DOG BARKS Right.
BREEZILY: Charlie! Charlie? Lie down.
Oh, for God's sake.
Charlie, lie down.
No, not sit.
Charlie, lie down.
~ DOG BARKS ~ Charlie, lie down.
Jasmine, CD off! Naomi, your work phone's going.
~ RINGTONE ~ Ooh! It's one of the trustees! Hello, Mr Denomer.
Yes.
No, no, no problem, at all.
I was working anyway.
Yes, thank you so much for approving the grant aid I recommended.
~ Charlie's weeing again.
~ (Ravi, can you get the mop?) Yes, no, exactly.
Why are you so interested in my crotch?! Sorry, Mr Denomer! No, I'm talking to my new puppy.
So sorry.
There's police outside.
SQUELCHING SHE TUTS AND SIGHS ~ Look, look! ~ DOG WHIMPERS Look, look! DOG WHIMPERS CHEERING Thank you.
Yeah, no bother.
Oh, for heaven's sake, it's not a pantomime.
Could be a banned breed.
CHEERING They'll most likely put it down.
They can't do that! It's in the best interests of the dog.
In the long run.
In you go.
Go on.
That's it, good girl.
There's a good girlie.
~ Right, I'll invoice as usual, shall I, Pete? ~ Yeah, fine.
And don't forget there'll be the overnights till we see if anyone bothers to claim her.
~ Thanks for that drink the other night, by the way.
~ My pleasure.
Oh, I didn't leave my scrunchie on your bedside table, did I? ~ I'll have a look for it for you.
~ Great.
Right, let's take a look at you.
Sit.
Good girl! Down, down.
You're very good with dogs.
I was brought up in children's homes, so dogs are my life.
What's your secret? A nice bit of crumbly Cheshire cheese does the trick.
Ah, he's a little cutie, aren't you? Sort of.
We've been having a bit of a problem, haven't we, Toffee? Oh, well, I can help you with that.
Every dog on the Wirral comes to me in the end.
Nana Vee, agility class Mondays, puppy class Tuesdays.
Or you can book me for a one-on-one.
Any time.
Number's on the side of me van.
Ravi, have you fed Charlie? Ummm I just need to The book says the dog must eat after you.
Charlie, come! Right, Charlie.
Wait.
Wait.
Charlie, wait.
No, Charlie, wait.
OK, darling.
I'm with you now.
Yes, I have fed him.
Jasmine, are you aware of the time, sweetheart? Have you got your school bag? ~ I'm not going to school.
~ Oh, look, you are perfectly capable of sitting your Classics A-level in Year 12 whatever the teacher might say.
What's the point? I can't live without love.
Jasmine, I do love you.
Not everything is about you.
Well, Dad loves you, too.
Now please, go and do your teeth.
But my boyfriend hates me.
Boyfriend? Ex-boyfriend! Who's got a boyfriend!? BARKING Right.
Morning, class.
How are we all doing today? Up you get, everybody.
We're going to warm your dog's muscles up.
Oh.
RINGTONE Nana Vee for all your dogging needs.
Yeah, no, not chipped.
No, she wasn't chipped.
No collar.
We're looking at a re-homing situation, then.
Only thing is she's a very aggressive dog.
I might have to charge extras for a bit of rehab.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, the thing is I think she's very wary of men.
I think she must've been very badly treated by them at some point.
~ Haven't we all, eh? ~ SHE CHUCKLES Never mind, some day her prince will come.
I've got to go.
How far did you go? I still love him.
Look, sorry, can you put this fire out, please - it's a smokeless zone! "I ache for you inside.
" Jasmine, heterosexual girls of your age come under a huge amount of pressure from young men.
31.
6% of girls say they feel they had sex far too early, and that goes up to 43% if they were under 16 at the time.
Look, Charlie Dog's fur is probably highly flammable, Jasmine! Do you remember our chat about alternatives to intercourse? Oral sex can be hugely enjoyable with the right prophylactic.
Wha'? There are specially flavoured condoms on the market with with edible lubricant which are actually perfectly palatable.
Have you been asked to photograph your vulva on your smartphone? We were in love.
Ravi, get the fire extinguisher.
Jasmine's been having sex.
Come on, little No Name, let's try you out on the seesaw.
See how you get on, little No Name.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait Good dog.
Good boy.
That's it, beautiful! Centred, centred, centred ~ Did you say this dog's name's Toffee? ~ Yes.
I can tell he's a little Evertonian, aren't ya? Well, he's a bit young, but we can give him a go.
Could I just have a chat with you first? ~ Sure.
~ Erm The thing is You've got a problem.
I know.
Recall.
~ Very common at his age.
~ No, no.
He's actually very good at that.
OK.
Well, he won't sleep in his own bed, then? I actually have him in the bed with me.
I know I'm not supposed to, but he was stood outside my bedroom just howling till I let him in.
~ So ~ I can understand that.
No, no, that's not the problem.
The thing is erm Spit it out.
That's exactly what I say to him.
He's got a taste for other dogs' dog Dog dirt.
Oh, OK.
He's a muck-muncher.
Yeah, well, a lot of this can be in the breedin'.
What is he? I'm not sure, actually.
My wife chose him.
Your wife Yeah.
He might be a cross between Is it a King Charles spaniel and a miniature poodle? A king poo? Living up to his name then, isn't he? Is that a health hazard? I mean, it's very embarrassing, and I Well, how does your wife deal with it? Erm, well, she doesn't.
Oh, right, she's one of those.
She's given up, has she? Yeah? Um Sort of.
I'm afraid she died.
I'm so sorry.
Oh.
There's me accusing her of being a lazy bitch.
No, no, it's No, no, not at all.
It's fine.
No, I'm fine, honestly, it's Bless you, you're so young.
Was she older, was that was that the? No? An accident, was it? Or one of the cancers? Look, I I can see you know.
Yeah, you've got a problem here.
He's a constant reminder of everything you've lost.
And he eats shite.
This way, No Name.
In you come.
Ooh It's warm work, that, Tony.
Can you pass me the medicated talc? We've had another reminder about the rent arrears.
Oh! Do you want me to do your creases? Yeah.
OK.
Arhh.
Ohhh Oh, and don't forget the top of me bike stand.
Oh, yeah, that reminds me, actually.
Eron, son! Can you get your grundies together, Nana's going the laundrette this avi.
He's moping today.
Well, he's still settling in, isn't he? He's only been here two days.
Are you saying you just took £4.
20 after class on Tuesday? Oh, yeah, well I only shifted two pig-ears and a training lead.
Look, we're £183.
96 in arrears here.
This is a threatening letter.
Yeah, do you know I think this one's been scratching all morning.
I need to get a biddy rake through you, don't I? Yeah.
You need a millionaire.
You can't take it with you, Tony.
Can't take it with you.
I better check your dating inbox.
How do know I've not got my eye on someone? You always give it away, don't you? First date.
~ So they run a mile.
~ You're still hanging around, Tony.
What, me, run? I'm registered disabled! I haven't felt grass under my feet for a very long time.
Oh, Eron! Go outside and slice a square of turf and put it under Granddad's feet? I'm going to die in this van, I can tell you.
Oh, Tony, you're so negative.
This is why I had to divorce you.
Honestly, if I need to get a can opener and get you out this place, I'll do it.
Eron, son, shift your backside, you're two hours late for school already.
~ Your cornflakes have gone soggy.
~ I'm not hungry, Nana.
Your mother put a phone call in to you, did she? ~ (That'll be the day.
) ~ She said there aren't enough phones on her wing.
Tony, has the debt collector got a silver car? Right.
Stay in the car till I get back.
BEEP OF CENTRAL LOCKING RINGTONE Oh, yes, hello there.
Yes.
No, I won't be in the office today.
My daughter is school-refusing.
So, erm, I've come straight here.
What is the What is the boy's mother in prison for? 107 counts of caravan theft on the North Wales coast.
Right, OK.
And RVs and motor h What is a toy-hauler? Don't worry, I don't need that level of detail.
Don't worry.
OK, I'll I'll send my report in as soon as I've interviewed them.
OK, yep.
OK, thanks, Bunme.
So you could put the four on the five, there.
Ah, yes.
Then I can put the two on the three.
~ That's it, then you're done! ~ There you go, Tony.
~ Thank you.
~ Mrs Singh? Oh, thank you, no, I won't.
I've got a salad in the car.
~ But thank you.
~ Right.
~ Thank you, anyway.
~ There you go.
Eron does need to get off.
I don't know how long you're going to detain him ~ but he's got to school, you know.
~ Yes, of course.
Yes.
Sorry Just it's a rather long process.
We just need to ensure all the suitability criteria are met and I just need to ask the appropriate questions.
~ No Name, hey.
~ Sorry! ~ Come here.
~ So, erm ~ No Name, come here.
So, essentially what Futures can offer to gifted and talented children of parents who, you know, sadly, are, erm, in prison, is to offer financial assistance support, to enable them to take part in various enriching and educative schemes.
Oh, right.
That's in the form of cash, is it, or.
.
? Well, no, it would be in the form of a grant paid into the legal guardian's account.
~ Very good.
Very good.
~ So I see here, ~ that Eron is not particularly academic ~ Oh, well, excuse me.
This lad, he's one of the best footballers of under-18s in the whole north west.
Absolutely no judgment.
I was going to go on to say that, that I had seen that in the notes, which is terrific.
So as long as everything else is in order, we may well be in a position to offer Eron, erm, some assistance in order to take part in his chosen field - or, erm, pitch, perhaps, would be more appropriate here! It's absolutely marvellous, this.
I grew up in childrens' homes.
~ Did you? ~ Yeah.
Nothing like that in my day.
~ Nothing.
~ No, no OK, good.
So, do you have a carbon monoxide, erm, detector in your second caravan? Oh, there's no danger of poisoning there.
No, can't afford the gas.
No, no.
I mean, no-one sleeps in there There's a bed.
Well, a mattress.
Tony and I enjoyed that, the firmness of it.
Yeah.
In the days before he got too big and it got too stained.
Aye.
WEAK LAUGHTER Well, we may as well move on to the section about you, Granny.
You walk and train and board dogs, professionally, do you? I do.
I actually work sometimes for the police.
Erm, working on, well, usually suspected banned dogs.
Right.
OK.
And you have a licence for that, I presume? ~ Yeah.
~ Great, OK, so I will just need a copy of that.
Very good.
Yeah, course.
And then these two dogs here That one's a, erm, Rottweiler, is it? Yeah, this is Eron's own dog.
~ So that's not a banned breed ~ No.
~ .
.
obviously.
Not illegal, no.
~ And this one, is there any illegal? ~ No Well this one's definitely probably not PB.
That's pit-bull.
~ Yeah.
~ Right.
So how would you? How is that proven? Is that blood tests? Well, it can be, or characteristics, you know.
'Ey, come here, No Name.
There's a good girl.
~ Shouldn't it be wearing a muzzle? ~ No! She's soft as spread.
Yeah, I don't know if you can see this, if you just look at her from there, you can see she's got the eye of a blue whale.
No? RINGTONE Sorry, I'm going to have to get this.
'Scuse me a moment.
Hello, yes, no, just No, you can't walk home.
No.
No, just stay in the car, please.
Stay in the car.
There are some very There are some big dogs here, so just wait.
I won't be too long.
All right, just stay where you are.
Stay where you are.
OK.
All right, bye-bye.
I'm sorry about that.
Erm I've been forced to bring a minor on to the premises.
~ Oh, right, well, do you want to bring him in? ~ She.
Erm, no, I don't think that would be policy.
Does she want some dinner? Eron, go ask her if she wants some dinner.
No, I'm sure she's fine.
Eron, go on, son.
Well, I've locked her in, actually.
~ You've locked her in? ~ I've left a little crack in the window.
Perhaps I can do it from here? Let's see No, that won't do it.
Eron'll sort that out.
Go on, Eron.
Don't worry, Miss.
I'll bring them back! Oh, no.
I wasn't for a minute suggesting anything else, good Lord! SHE LAUGHS WEAKLY Come here, Super Maria.
So, if you can let me have the dogs' blood test results VEHICLE LOCKING BEEPS ~ Right, yeah, OK.
~ .
.
that would be great.
It's guilty till proven innocent, is it? Or you can just simply remove the dog from the premises.
If there's Well, erm OK.
But I'm sure you're gagging for your salad.
Yes, I am.
So look, I've got some bumph there, if you want to have a look through it.
That will give you an idea of what we do.
And, yes, we'll be in touch before too long.
OK.
Wait.
Wait.
Never let a dog go before you through a gate or a doorway.
No, the dog needs to respect you.
~ Ah, right ~ Wait.
Come on.
good dog.
Good girl.
~ Bye-bye.
~ Ta-rah.
Charlie, no! Charlie's run off! ~ What? ~ I can't get him back! Oh, my God! There are dangerous dogs here.
You having problems with your dog? I can help you with that.
Charlie! I'll give you some bumph.
That's it, you're running very nicely now, No-Name.
That's a good dog.
~ Ahh! ~ Morning, Nana Vee.
Oh, hello, you! Oh, do call me Veneta.
Wait.
No, wait.
Wait.
Wait.
~ RINGTONE ~ Oh, for God's sake.
Wait.
No, wait.
Ravi, hi.
Yeah, I finally managed to get her off to school.
No, she's still texting this ex-boyfriend, I think.
Oh, God! Yeah, no, we mustn't leave her in the house with access to sharps.
No, one in 12 teenagers self-harm.
Yeah, but she might be the one.
Charlie? Well, he's just done a huge poo, yeah! ~ Oh, good morning.
~ Hello.
~ Hello.
~ Right.
I'll text you.
~ Toffee, no! No! Stop Toffee! Toffee, no.
I've got to go cos I've got to pick up.
OK, bye.
Bye.
Right.
Oh, he's bright as Port Sunlight, isn't he, this little dog? Was he a good boy? He was.
Shall I pop him in for you? ~ Aye.
~ There you go, Dunc.
~ Does that one nip? Does she heck, as like.
I've got an old cow from a do-gooding outfit breathing down my neck.
She's got me running round the vets this morning looking for negs on a PB test.
~ Do you want some cloutie dumpling? ~ Oh, can I take some for Tony? ~ Course you can, hen.
~ That's her.
Mrs Do Good.
BARKING ~ Hey.
~ Hey.
Hey.
~ An espresso, please.
We must stop meeting like this! ~ Hi.
~ Hey.
~ Oh, hello, Mrs Singh.
~ Oh, hey.
~ It is MRS Singh, isn't it? ~ Er, yes.
~ I was just thinking about you.
~ Oh, really? I was thinking about little Muck Munch.
Right.
Now, a dog that eats cack Is it his own, or other people's? Well, other dogs'.
And does he like FRESH or on the turn? Oh, erm fresh? Yeah.
Thing is, I don't really know what to say to people when it happens.
Sorry, I've just twigged, what must have happened over there.
I'm just Errgh! ~ Yeah.
~ How awful! ~ Yeah.
Oh, yuck! Oh, dear! Actually, funnily enough I was reading about it in this puppy book I've got and it says they can grow out of it.
It's quite common.
It's called coprophagia.
Steady on here, this gentleman's has a dead wife.
I think we're talking at cross purposes.
OK, right.
Well, we'll carry on tonight, won't we, Toffee? We'll do the "Leave it" command.
~ That's really all you need.
~ I look forward to it.
~ Yeah.
~ You might want to take him to a vet, actually, because it can mean that they've got a vitamin deficiency.
Of course, this one, she won't be at the Puppy Class tonight.
No.
Very lovable docile stray, this.
~ Mmm.
~ Unfortunately, on death row at the moment.
Oh, no.
Oh, Charlie, do be quiet.
Sorry.
Oh, Mrs Singh, I think your dog's getting a bit distressed over there.
I think you should untie him, he might bite a child.
You know, if you need a really brilliant puppy trainer that lady's your man! ~ Really? ~ Yeah.
~ Do you think the dog owners'll want to buy lingerie? ~ I don't know, son.
We've just got to raise some cash for this heavy coming round tonight.
You know, your mother, she could always nick a classy teddy.
Look at that.
You've been like a wet weekend all this wet weekend.
Listen, we're not telling that busy body, you know.
We're not telling her you've been chucked off the squad.
No way.
~ Thanks, Nana Vee.
~ I don't understand.
How can they just chuck a lad out? Just cos he smoked a spliff? I mean, even I do the doos.
Well, on a special occasion.
~ You're too old for that, Nana.
~ Well, what is it, then, son? Are you, are you having FEELINGS? You can tell your Nana anything.
~ Oh, it's not another lad, is it? ~ No! It could be just a phase.
I mean, Grandad, when he was your age, he had a bit of a dabble.
I'm not gay, Nana.
Well, whoever you fancy, don't you be ashamed of it.
Go for whatever's in your heart.
~ That's what I always do.
~ It's just, not much of a catch, am I? Eron, you're a cross between Lionel Messi and Neville Southall.
~ I'm just a scally.
~ No, you're not.
You're a Fazackerly.
Remember Granddad's tattoo? Love Conquers Everything.
Are you a Fazackerly? I think you might be Eron, come back here, lad.
We've got ten packets of chicken fillets to price up.
Jasmine has stolen one of your bottles of fizzy wine.
What? This is very worrying.
~ She left a note.
~ What did it say? Something about Steph and a birthday party.
Are you going out? Look.
Alcohol is a depressant.
~ Can you go round and pick her up.
~ Can't you go? Uh-uh.
I'm taking Charlie to a dog training class.
Great.
Maybe it's a sign she's cheering up.
Hey, is it sensible to drink and dog? Oh, Pete, nice to see you.
How's Cyril's paw? ~ It's all right, much better.
Thank you.
~ Aw, good.
Look, I've told that bailiff that we don't own the stock, so he can't seize anything, but any sales, ~ just take the cash straight over to him.
~ But I need to go, Nana.
Don't be daft, son.
Go make him a cup of tea - two sugars and a drop of arsenic.
And then can I go? ~ No, I need you on piddle duty, son.
~ Ah! Oh, Jumble! Aw, Jumble's looking a bit down in the mouth.
Come on now - sit.
Good girl! She's getting better at that, isn't she? ~ Hi, Nana Vee.
~ Hi.
~ Hi, Alexander.
~ We're back.
~ Great, great.
~ Great to see you.
Yeah.
~ You, too.
~ Yeah.
OK.
Now, listen, why don't you just take a pew.
Find somewhere nice.
~ Thanks.
~ Hi, Toffee! OK, now we're going to move on Move on to the "close" command.
Now, er, I'm going to need a volunteer? Erm, anybody? Alex! Yeah, Alexander and Toffee.
Up you come.
That's it, stand beside.
That's it, on my right.
Now keep Toffee - keep the lead in this hand.
Now what we're doing, we're aiming to get our dog in here.
Yeah? Just there - the pant line.
Alexander, you just pop your hand there.
That's it.
That's the spot.
~ Can you feel it? Yeah? ~ Er, yeah.
And on you, Alex, it'd be Do you go commando? Um, yeah.
Oh, very nice.
OK, that's.
.
Hi, hi! I'm sorry.
Am I too late to join in? He's been an absolute nightmare, to be honest.
I thought I'd give it a go.
OK, class, you all have a go at that, and I'll just deal with this late lady.
Do you take cheques? Oh, sorry, cash.
Cash only, I'm afraid.
Erm It's £184.
96.
Including the VAT.
Right, I don't think I've quite got that much, actually.
Yeah, I've only got 100.
~ Erm ~ Unless you take euros? ~ I've got some from our mini break in Dublin.
~ Any legal tender.
~ Great.
~ Fine, yeah.
~ OK, there's 35 there.
~ Well, that'll do for now.
Erm, we can settle up next week.
~ Why don't you just take somewhere to sit.
~ OK.
Eron, son.
Take that over to the bailiff, will you? Then go tell Grandad we are out of the woods, at least for a couple of weeks.
I was never worried.
Charlie! Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, erm, come on, this way.
Oh, Jasmine, popsie, it's Mum again.
Can you just give me a call when you get this message? Steph says you're at Karen's, so Yeah, just give me buzz.
All right? Thanks, darling, bye-bye.
I think we're meant to, er, swap dogs now.
Oh, right.
Sort of "You show me yours, I'll show you mine.
" Come here, come here.
Oh, he's gorgeous.
~ Yeah.
~ Hello! I wasn't sure I'd come actually, but, I thought she might be a bit, you know ~ But you said she's ~ No, yes.
I've seen her in action.
She's a bit of a dog genius, I think.
Yeah, well, I was brought up in children's homes, so I know what that's like.
No, no ~ Awfully sorry to hear about your wife, by the way.
~ Thank you.
Thanks heavens for Toffee, I should think.
Yeah.
I had absolutely no idea how much work it was going to be.
Oh, snap! She's doing very well there.
~ Any problems here? ~ No, fine.
~ Oh, you don't want to be going near his lipstick.
~ Sorry? His love wand.
Most males are very discerning when it comes to having their privates interfered with.
That depends who does the interfering.
CAUTIOUS LAUGHTER Can I borrow Toffee, Alexander, for a moment? ~ Of course.
~ Thank you.
Come on, Toffee.
OK, so, Toffee Good boy.
And that's it.
You just handle your dog very straightforwardly.
Through here, like that.
That's it, all the way down Good boy! That's it.
Very straightforward exercise, anyone can manage it.
Now can we have someone, please? To have a go? Mrs Singh, and Charlie.
~ Thank you.
~ Good luck.
~ Thanks.
Sorry, sorry.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Right.
Yes.
OK, so you want to be coming in from the left.
Right.
Sorry.
~ Come Charlie, this way.
~ Point is to go through the poles.
I'm trying to go through the poles.
He just runs off.
OK.
Use your treat, please, Mrs Singh.
Sorry.
I haven't got a treat.
Well, that is rule number one.
Has anyone here got a treat? Thank you, Connor, can you please give Mrs Singh a treat? Thank you.
Right, now you bring the dog in from the right.
That's dog left.
~ No.
~ Charlie ~ Come back to the top, please, Mrs Singh? I can't, he won't OK, I think we'll just call it a halt there.
Bye, Thomas.
Bye, Noodles! ~ Well, Toffee did really well.
~ Ah, yeah.
It's really nice for Toffee to have a friend to play with.
We'll be down on the beach tomorrow morning if, er, Charlie's around? Oh, wow, yes, that'd be great.
~ They seem to get on really well, don't they? ~ Yeah.
~ Sorry.
Well done, Toffee there.
Didn't he do a good job? Yeah, didn't he? Thank you.
I was thinking of giving you a complimentary one-on-one tomorrow ~ down on the beach.
We can try him on some real turds.
~ Wow, that's That's really generous.
Thank you.
Oh.
Will that affect our walk? Oh, yes.
Well, could she join us? I don't think that'd be a good idea, actually.
I'm sorry to say this, Mrs Singh, but I think your dog might be inbred.
Yeah, pedigrees They can be a real liability.
It's sad, but I just don't think he respects you.
Er, 'scuse me.
Erm, I don't think this is going to be the right class for Charlie.
~ What a shame.
~ So, I, er I would like my money back, please.
I'll send you a cheque in the morning.
But I've only just given you the cash.
Yes, but Tony has already, erm, banked that.
~ Oh, right, well, I'll ask him, shall I? ~ Er, Naomi? ~ Yes.
~ Sorry, I think you might have blocked me in here.
Er, I I'll just be a second.
Mr Fazackerly? You've let the dog out! ~ Oh.
I'd like my money, please.
~ What money? Oh, for God's sake! Tony? Tony! Get me some cheese! ~ Yeah, local police, please? ~ Thanks, love! Look, look! Yes, hello.
I've had £100 stolen.
And 35 euros, actually.
Yes, a woman called Nana Vee Fazackerly.
Look, look! The police want to speak to you.
Hello? Oh, hi, Pete, yeah! No, sorry, it's just a misunderstanding with this lady.
Listen, love, can I give you a call tomorrow.
I've got a bit of a situation with a dog here.
Yeah, cheers.
Thanks.
~ Look, look! ~ You couldn't see me out, could you? ~ I could burst a tyre on these pallets.
~ Yeah, sure.
~ Look, look! ~ Yeah, OK ~ Look, look! ~ Straight back, straight back.
~ The other way Other Right.
The other way.
~ Which way? ~ Fine keep coming, keep coming.
~ ARRRGGHH! NO, STOP! You have killed my dog! You have killed my dog! The dog's not dead.
Jasmine! Is there any chance of moving the car?
BREEZILY: Charlie! Charlie? Lie down.
Oh, for God's sake.
Charlie, lie down.
No, not sit.
Charlie, lie down.
~ DOG BARKS ~ Charlie, lie down.
Jasmine, CD off! Naomi, your work phone's going.
~ RINGTONE ~ Ooh! It's one of the trustees! Hello, Mr Denomer.
Yes.
No, no, no problem, at all.
I was working anyway.
Yes, thank you so much for approving the grant aid I recommended.
~ Charlie's weeing again.
~ (Ravi, can you get the mop?) Yes, no, exactly.
Why are you so interested in my crotch?! Sorry, Mr Denomer! No, I'm talking to my new puppy.
So sorry.
There's police outside.
SQUELCHING SHE TUTS AND SIGHS ~ Look, look! ~ DOG WHIMPERS Look, look! DOG WHIMPERS CHEERING Thank you.
Yeah, no bother.
Oh, for heaven's sake, it's not a pantomime.
Could be a banned breed.
CHEERING They'll most likely put it down.
They can't do that! It's in the best interests of the dog.
In the long run.
In you go.
Go on.
That's it, good girl.
There's a good girlie.
~ Right, I'll invoice as usual, shall I, Pete? ~ Yeah, fine.
And don't forget there'll be the overnights till we see if anyone bothers to claim her.
~ Thanks for that drink the other night, by the way.
~ My pleasure.
Oh, I didn't leave my scrunchie on your bedside table, did I? ~ I'll have a look for it for you.
~ Great.
Right, let's take a look at you.
Sit.
Good girl! Down, down.
You're very good with dogs.
I was brought up in children's homes, so dogs are my life.
What's your secret? A nice bit of crumbly Cheshire cheese does the trick.
Ah, he's a little cutie, aren't you? Sort of.
We've been having a bit of a problem, haven't we, Toffee? Oh, well, I can help you with that.
Every dog on the Wirral comes to me in the end.
Nana Vee, agility class Mondays, puppy class Tuesdays.
Or you can book me for a one-on-one.
Any time.
Number's on the side of me van.
Ravi, have you fed Charlie? Ummm I just need to The book says the dog must eat after you.
Charlie, come! Right, Charlie.
Wait.
Wait.
Charlie, wait.
No, Charlie, wait.
OK, darling.
I'm with you now.
Yes, I have fed him.
Jasmine, are you aware of the time, sweetheart? Have you got your school bag? ~ I'm not going to school.
~ Oh, look, you are perfectly capable of sitting your Classics A-level in Year 12 whatever the teacher might say.
What's the point? I can't live without love.
Jasmine, I do love you.
Not everything is about you.
Well, Dad loves you, too.
Now please, go and do your teeth.
But my boyfriend hates me.
Boyfriend? Ex-boyfriend! Who's got a boyfriend!? BARKING Right.
Morning, class.
How are we all doing today? Up you get, everybody.
We're going to warm your dog's muscles up.
Oh.
RINGTONE Nana Vee for all your dogging needs.
Yeah, no, not chipped.
No, she wasn't chipped.
No collar.
We're looking at a re-homing situation, then.
Only thing is she's a very aggressive dog.
I might have to charge extras for a bit of rehab.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, the thing is I think she's very wary of men.
I think she must've been very badly treated by them at some point.
~ Haven't we all, eh? ~ SHE CHUCKLES Never mind, some day her prince will come.
I've got to go.
How far did you go? I still love him.
Look, sorry, can you put this fire out, please - it's a smokeless zone! "I ache for you inside.
" Jasmine, heterosexual girls of your age come under a huge amount of pressure from young men.
31.
6% of girls say they feel they had sex far too early, and that goes up to 43% if they were under 16 at the time.
Look, Charlie Dog's fur is probably highly flammable, Jasmine! Do you remember our chat about alternatives to intercourse? Oral sex can be hugely enjoyable with the right prophylactic.
Wha'? There are specially flavoured condoms on the market with with edible lubricant which are actually perfectly palatable.
Have you been asked to photograph your vulva on your smartphone? We were in love.
Ravi, get the fire extinguisher.
Jasmine's been having sex.
Come on, little No Name, let's try you out on the seesaw.
See how you get on, little No Name.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait Good dog.
Good boy.
That's it, beautiful! Centred, centred, centred ~ Did you say this dog's name's Toffee? ~ Yes.
I can tell he's a little Evertonian, aren't ya? Well, he's a bit young, but we can give him a go.
Could I just have a chat with you first? ~ Sure.
~ Erm The thing is You've got a problem.
I know.
Recall.
~ Very common at his age.
~ No, no.
He's actually very good at that.
OK.
Well, he won't sleep in his own bed, then? I actually have him in the bed with me.
I know I'm not supposed to, but he was stood outside my bedroom just howling till I let him in.
~ So ~ I can understand that.
No, no, that's not the problem.
The thing is erm Spit it out.
That's exactly what I say to him.
He's got a taste for other dogs' dog Dog dirt.
Oh, OK.
He's a muck-muncher.
Yeah, well, a lot of this can be in the breedin'.
What is he? I'm not sure, actually.
My wife chose him.
Your wife Yeah.
He might be a cross between Is it a King Charles spaniel and a miniature poodle? A king poo? Living up to his name then, isn't he? Is that a health hazard? I mean, it's very embarrassing, and I Well, how does your wife deal with it? Erm, well, she doesn't.
Oh, right, she's one of those.
She's given up, has she? Yeah? Um Sort of.
I'm afraid she died.
I'm so sorry.
Oh.
There's me accusing her of being a lazy bitch.
No, no, it's No, no, not at all.
It's fine.
No, I'm fine, honestly, it's Bless you, you're so young.
Was she older, was that was that the? No? An accident, was it? Or one of the cancers? Look, I I can see you know.
Yeah, you've got a problem here.
He's a constant reminder of everything you've lost.
And he eats shite.
This way, No Name.
In you come.
Ooh It's warm work, that, Tony.
Can you pass me the medicated talc? We've had another reminder about the rent arrears.
Oh! Do you want me to do your creases? Yeah.
OK.
Arhh.
Ohhh Oh, and don't forget the top of me bike stand.
Oh, yeah, that reminds me, actually.
Eron, son! Can you get your grundies together, Nana's going the laundrette this avi.
He's moping today.
Well, he's still settling in, isn't he? He's only been here two days.
Are you saying you just took £4.
20 after class on Tuesday? Oh, yeah, well I only shifted two pig-ears and a training lead.
Look, we're £183.
96 in arrears here.
This is a threatening letter.
Yeah, do you know I think this one's been scratching all morning.
I need to get a biddy rake through you, don't I? Yeah.
You need a millionaire.
You can't take it with you, Tony.
Can't take it with you.
I better check your dating inbox.
How do know I've not got my eye on someone? You always give it away, don't you? First date.
~ So they run a mile.
~ You're still hanging around, Tony.
What, me, run? I'm registered disabled! I haven't felt grass under my feet for a very long time.
Oh, Eron! Go outside and slice a square of turf and put it under Granddad's feet? I'm going to die in this van, I can tell you.
Oh, Tony, you're so negative.
This is why I had to divorce you.
Honestly, if I need to get a can opener and get you out this place, I'll do it.
Eron, son, shift your backside, you're two hours late for school already.
~ Your cornflakes have gone soggy.
~ I'm not hungry, Nana.
Your mother put a phone call in to you, did she? ~ (That'll be the day.
) ~ She said there aren't enough phones on her wing.
Tony, has the debt collector got a silver car? Right.
Stay in the car till I get back.
BEEP OF CENTRAL LOCKING RINGTONE Oh, yes, hello there.
Yes.
No, I won't be in the office today.
My daughter is school-refusing.
So, erm, I've come straight here.
What is the What is the boy's mother in prison for? 107 counts of caravan theft on the North Wales coast.
Right, OK.
And RVs and motor h What is a toy-hauler? Don't worry, I don't need that level of detail.
Don't worry.
OK, I'll I'll send my report in as soon as I've interviewed them.
OK, yep.
OK, thanks, Bunme.
So you could put the four on the five, there.
Ah, yes.
Then I can put the two on the three.
~ That's it, then you're done! ~ There you go, Tony.
~ Thank you.
~ Mrs Singh? Oh, thank you, no, I won't.
I've got a salad in the car.
~ But thank you.
~ Right.
~ Thank you, anyway.
~ There you go.
Eron does need to get off.
I don't know how long you're going to detain him ~ but he's got to school, you know.
~ Yes, of course.
Yes.
Sorry Just it's a rather long process.
We just need to ensure all the suitability criteria are met and I just need to ask the appropriate questions.
~ No Name, hey.
~ Sorry! ~ Come here.
~ So, erm ~ No Name, come here.
So, essentially what Futures can offer to gifted and talented children of parents who, you know, sadly, are, erm, in prison, is to offer financial assistance support, to enable them to take part in various enriching and educative schemes.
Oh, right.
That's in the form of cash, is it, or.
.
? Well, no, it would be in the form of a grant paid into the legal guardian's account.
~ Very good.
Very good.
~ So I see here, ~ that Eron is not particularly academic ~ Oh, well, excuse me.
This lad, he's one of the best footballers of under-18s in the whole north west.
Absolutely no judgment.
I was going to go on to say that, that I had seen that in the notes, which is terrific.
So as long as everything else is in order, we may well be in a position to offer Eron, erm, some assistance in order to take part in his chosen field - or, erm, pitch, perhaps, would be more appropriate here! It's absolutely marvellous, this.
I grew up in childrens' homes.
~ Did you? ~ Yeah.
Nothing like that in my day.
~ Nothing.
~ No, no OK, good.
So, do you have a carbon monoxide, erm, detector in your second caravan? Oh, there's no danger of poisoning there.
No, can't afford the gas.
No, no.
I mean, no-one sleeps in there There's a bed.
Well, a mattress.
Tony and I enjoyed that, the firmness of it.
Yeah.
In the days before he got too big and it got too stained.
Aye.
WEAK LAUGHTER Well, we may as well move on to the section about you, Granny.
You walk and train and board dogs, professionally, do you? I do.
I actually work sometimes for the police.
Erm, working on, well, usually suspected banned dogs.
Right.
OK.
And you have a licence for that, I presume? ~ Yeah.
~ Great, OK, so I will just need a copy of that.
Very good.
Yeah, course.
And then these two dogs here That one's a, erm, Rottweiler, is it? Yeah, this is Eron's own dog.
~ So that's not a banned breed ~ No.
~ .
.
obviously.
Not illegal, no.
~ And this one, is there any illegal? ~ No Well this one's definitely probably not PB.
That's pit-bull.
~ Yeah.
~ Right.
So how would you? How is that proven? Is that blood tests? Well, it can be, or characteristics, you know.
'Ey, come here, No Name.
There's a good girl.
~ Shouldn't it be wearing a muzzle? ~ No! She's soft as spread.
Yeah, I don't know if you can see this, if you just look at her from there, you can see she's got the eye of a blue whale.
No? RINGTONE Sorry, I'm going to have to get this.
'Scuse me a moment.
Hello, yes, no, just No, you can't walk home.
No.
No, just stay in the car, please.
Stay in the car.
There are some very There are some big dogs here, so just wait.
I won't be too long.
All right, just stay where you are.
Stay where you are.
OK.
All right, bye-bye.
I'm sorry about that.
Erm I've been forced to bring a minor on to the premises.
~ Oh, right, well, do you want to bring him in? ~ She.
Erm, no, I don't think that would be policy.
Does she want some dinner? Eron, go ask her if she wants some dinner.
No, I'm sure she's fine.
Eron, go on, son.
Well, I've locked her in, actually.
~ You've locked her in? ~ I've left a little crack in the window.
Perhaps I can do it from here? Let's see No, that won't do it.
Eron'll sort that out.
Go on, Eron.
Don't worry, Miss.
I'll bring them back! Oh, no.
I wasn't for a minute suggesting anything else, good Lord! SHE LAUGHS WEAKLY Come here, Super Maria.
So, if you can let me have the dogs' blood test results VEHICLE LOCKING BEEPS ~ Right, yeah, OK.
~ .
.
that would be great.
It's guilty till proven innocent, is it? Or you can just simply remove the dog from the premises.
If there's Well, erm OK.
But I'm sure you're gagging for your salad.
Yes, I am.
So look, I've got some bumph there, if you want to have a look through it.
That will give you an idea of what we do.
And, yes, we'll be in touch before too long.
OK.
Wait.
Wait.
Never let a dog go before you through a gate or a doorway.
No, the dog needs to respect you.
~ Ah, right ~ Wait.
Come on.
good dog.
Good girl.
~ Bye-bye.
~ Ta-rah.
Charlie, no! Charlie's run off! ~ What? ~ I can't get him back! Oh, my God! There are dangerous dogs here.
You having problems with your dog? I can help you with that.
Charlie! I'll give you some bumph.
That's it, you're running very nicely now, No-Name.
That's a good dog.
~ Ahh! ~ Morning, Nana Vee.
Oh, hello, you! Oh, do call me Veneta.
Wait.
No, wait.
Wait.
Wait.
~ RINGTONE ~ Oh, for God's sake.
Wait.
No, wait.
Ravi, hi.
Yeah, I finally managed to get her off to school.
No, she's still texting this ex-boyfriend, I think.
Oh, God! Yeah, no, we mustn't leave her in the house with access to sharps.
No, one in 12 teenagers self-harm.
Yeah, but she might be the one.
Charlie? Well, he's just done a huge poo, yeah! ~ Oh, good morning.
~ Hello.
~ Hello.
~ Right.
I'll text you.
~ Toffee, no! No! Stop Toffee! Toffee, no.
I've got to go cos I've got to pick up.
OK, bye.
Bye.
Right.
Oh, he's bright as Port Sunlight, isn't he, this little dog? Was he a good boy? He was.
Shall I pop him in for you? ~ Aye.
~ There you go, Dunc.
~ Does that one nip? Does she heck, as like.
I've got an old cow from a do-gooding outfit breathing down my neck.
She's got me running round the vets this morning looking for negs on a PB test.
~ Do you want some cloutie dumpling? ~ Oh, can I take some for Tony? ~ Course you can, hen.
~ That's her.
Mrs Do Good.
BARKING ~ Hey.
~ Hey.
Hey.
~ An espresso, please.
We must stop meeting like this! ~ Hi.
~ Hey.
~ Oh, hello, Mrs Singh.
~ Oh, hey.
~ It is MRS Singh, isn't it? ~ Er, yes.
~ I was just thinking about you.
~ Oh, really? I was thinking about little Muck Munch.
Right.
Now, a dog that eats cack Is it his own, or other people's? Well, other dogs'.
And does he like FRESH or on the turn? Oh, erm fresh? Yeah.
Thing is, I don't really know what to say to people when it happens.
Sorry, I've just twigged, what must have happened over there.
I'm just Errgh! ~ Yeah.
~ How awful! ~ Yeah.
Oh, yuck! Oh, dear! Actually, funnily enough I was reading about it in this puppy book I've got and it says they can grow out of it.
It's quite common.
It's called coprophagia.
Steady on here, this gentleman's has a dead wife.
I think we're talking at cross purposes.
OK, right.
Well, we'll carry on tonight, won't we, Toffee? We'll do the "Leave it" command.
~ That's really all you need.
~ I look forward to it.
~ Yeah.
~ You might want to take him to a vet, actually, because it can mean that they've got a vitamin deficiency.
Of course, this one, she won't be at the Puppy Class tonight.
No.
Very lovable docile stray, this.
~ Mmm.
~ Unfortunately, on death row at the moment.
Oh, no.
Oh, Charlie, do be quiet.
Sorry.
Oh, Mrs Singh, I think your dog's getting a bit distressed over there.
I think you should untie him, he might bite a child.
You know, if you need a really brilliant puppy trainer that lady's your man! ~ Really? ~ Yeah.
~ Do you think the dog owners'll want to buy lingerie? ~ I don't know, son.
We've just got to raise some cash for this heavy coming round tonight.
You know, your mother, she could always nick a classy teddy.
Look at that.
You've been like a wet weekend all this wet weekend.
Listen, we're not telling that busy body, you know.
We're not telling her you've been chucked off the squad.
No way.
~ Thanks, Nana Vee.
~ I don't understand.
How can they just chuck a lad out? Just cos he smoked a spliff? I mean, even I do the doos.
Well, on a special occasion.
~ You're too old for that, Nana.
~ Well, what is it, then, son? Are you, are you having FEELINGS? You can tell your Nana anything.
~ Oh, it's not another lad, is it? ~ No! It could be just a phase.
I mean, Grandad, when he was your age, he had a bit of a dabble.
I'm not gay, Nana.
Well, whoever you fancy, don't you be ashamed of it.
Go for whatever's in your heart.
~ That's what I always do.
~ It's just, not much of a catch, am I? Eron, you're a cross between Lionel Messi and Neville Southall.
~ I'm just a scally.
~ No, you're not.
You're a Fazackerly.
Remember Granddad's tattoo? Love Conquers Everything.
Are you a Fazackerly? I think you might be Eron, come back here, lad.
We've got ten packets of chicken fillets to price up.
Jasmine has stolen one of your bottles of fizzy wine.
What? This is very worrying.
~ She left a note.
~ What did it say? Something about Steph and a birthday party.
Are you going out? Look.
Alcohol is a depressant.
~ Can you go round and pick her up.
~ Can't you go? Uh-uh.
I'm taking Charlie to a dog training class.
Great.
Maybe it's a sign she's cheering up.
Hey, is it sensible to drink and dog? Oh, Pete, nice to see you.
How's Cyril's paw? ~ It's all right, much better.
Thank you.
~ Aw, good.
Look, I've told that bailiff that we don't own the stock, so he can't seize anything, but any sales, ~ just take the cash straight over to him.
~ But I need to go, Nana.
Don't be daft, son.
Go make him a cup of tea - two sugars and a drop of arsenic.
And then can I go? ~ No, I need you on piddle duty, son.
~ Ah! Oh, Jumble! Aw, Jumble's looking a bit down in the mouth.
Come on now - sit.
Good girl! She's getting better at that, isn't she? ~ Hi, Nana Vee.
~ Hi.
~ Hi, Alexander.
~ We're back.
~ Great, great.
~ Great to see you.
Yeah.
~ You, too.
~ Yeah.
OK.
Now, listen, why don't you just take a pew.
Find somewhere nice.
~ Thanks.
~ Hi, Toffee! OK, now we're going to move on Move on to the "close" command.
Now, er, I'm going to need a volunteer? Erm, anybody? Alex! Yeah, Alexander and Toffee.
Up you come.
That's it, stand beside.
That's it, on my right.
Now keep Toffee - keep the lead in this hand.
Now what we're doing, we're aiming to get our dog in here.
Yeah? Just there - the pant line.
Alexander, you just pop your hand there.
That's it.
That's the spot.
~ Can you feel it? Yeah? ~ Er, yeah.
And on you, Alex, it'd be Do you go commando? Um, yeah.
Oh, very nice.
OK, that's.
.
Hi, hi! I'm sorry.
Am I too late to join in? He's been an absolute nightmare, to be honest.
I thought I'd give it a go.
OK, class, you all have a go at that, and I'll just deal with this late lady.
Do you take cheques? Oh, sorry, cash.
Cash only, I'm afraid.
Erm It's £184.
96.
Including the VAT.
Right, I don't think I've quite got that much, actually.
Yeah, I've only got 100.
~ Erm ~ Unless you take euros? ~ I've got some from our mini break in Dublin.
~ Any legal tender.
~ Great.
~ Fine, yeah.
~ OK, there's 35 there.
~ Well, that'll do for now.
Erm, we can settle up next week.
~ Why don't you just take somewhere to sit.
~ OK.
Eron, son.
Take that over to the bailiff, will you? Then go tell Grandad we are out of the woods, at least for a couple of weeks.
I was never worried.
Charlie! Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, erm, come on, this way.
Oh, Jasmine, popsie, it's Mum again.
Can you just give me a call when you get this message? Steph says you're at Karen's, so Yeah, just give me buzz.
All right? Thanks, darling, bye-bye.
I think we're meant to, er, swap dogs now.
Oh, right.
Sort of "You show me yours, I'll show you mine.
" Come here, come here.
Oh, he's gorgeous.
~ Yeah.
~ Hello! I wasn't sure I'd come actually, but, I thought she might be a bit, you know ~ But you said she's ~ No, yes.
I've seen her in action.
She's a bit of a dog genius, I think.
Yeah, well, I was brought up in children's homes, so I know what that's like.
No, no ~ Awfully sorry to hear about your wife, by the way.
~ Thank you.
Thanks heavens for Toffee, I should think.
Yeah.
I had absolutely no idea how much work it was going to be.
Oh, snap! She's doing very well there.
~ Any problems here? ~ No, fine.
~ Oh, you don't want to be going near his lipstick.
~ Sorry? His love wand.
Most males are very discerning when it comes to having their privates interfered with.
That depends who does the interfering.
CAUTIOUS LAUGHTER Can I borrow Toffee, Alexander, for a moment? ~ Of course.
~ Thank you.
Come on, Toffee.
OK, so, Toffee Good boy.
And that's it.
You just handle your dog very straightforwardly.
Through here, like that.
That's it, all the way down Good boy! That's it.
Very straightforward exercise, anyone can manage it.
Now can we have someone, please? To have a go? Mrs Singh, and Charlie.
~ Thank you.
~ Good luck.
~ Thanks.
Sorry, sorry.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Right.
Yes.
OK, so you want to be coming in from the left.
Right.
Sorry.
~ Come Charlie, this way.
~ Point is to go through the poles.
I'm trying to go through the poles.
He just runs off.
OK.
Use your treat, please, Mrs Singh.
Sorry.
I haven't got a treat.
Well, that is rule number one.
Has anyone here got a treat? Thank you, Connor, can you please give Mrs Singh a treat? Thank you.
Right, now you bring the dog in from the right.
That's dog left.
~ No.
~ Charlie ~ Come back to the top, please, Mrs Singh? I can't, he won't OK, I think we'll just call it a halt there.
Bye, Thomas.
Bye, Noodles! ~ Well, Toffee did really well.
~ Ah, yeah.
It's really nice for Toffee to have a friend to play with.
We'll be down on the beach tomorrow morning if, er, Charlie's around? Oh, wow, yes, that'd be great.
~ They seem to get on really well, don't they? ~ Yeah.
~ Sorry.
Well done, Toffee there.
Didn't he do a good job? Yeah, didn't he? Thank you.
I was thinking of giving you a complimentary one-on-one tomorrow ~ down on the beach.
We can try him on some real turds.
~ Wow, that's That's really generous.
Thank you.
Oh.
Will that affect our walk? Oh, yes.
Well, could she join us? I don't think that'd be a good idea, actually.
I'm sorry to say this, Mrs Singh, but I think your dog might be inbred.
Yeah, pedigrees They can be a real liability.
It's sad, but I just don't think he respects you.
Er, 'scuse me.
Erm, I don't think this is going to be the right class for Charlie.
~ What a shame.
~ So, I, er I would like my money back, please.
I'll send you a cheque in the morning.
But I've only just given you the cash.
Yes, but Tony has already, erm, banked that.
~ Oh, right, well, I'll ask him, shall I? ~ Er, Naomi? ~ Yes.
~ Sorry, I think you might have blocked me in here.
Er, I I'll just be a second.
Mr Fazackerly? You've let the dog out! ~ Oh.
I'd like my money, please.
~ What money? Oh, for God's sake! Tony? Tony! Get me some cheese! ~ Yeah, local police, please? ~ Thanks, love! Look, look! Yes, hello.
I've had £100 stolen.
And 35 euros, actually.
Yes, a woman called Nana Vee Fazackerly.
Look, look! The police want to speak to you.
Hello? Oh, hi, Pete, yeah! No, sorry, it's just a misunderstanding with this lady.
Listen, love, can I give you a call tomorrow.
I've got a bit of a situation with a dog here.
Yeah, cheers.
Thanks.
~ Look, look! ~ You couldn't see me out, could you? ~ I could burst a tyre on these pallets.
~ Yeah, sure.
~ Look, look! ~ Yeah, OK ~ Look, look! ~ Straight back, straight back.
~ The other way Other Right.
The other way.
~ Which way? ~ Fine keep coming, keep coming.
~ ARRRGGHH! NO, STOP! You have killed my dog! You have killed my dog! The dog's not dead.
Jasmine! Is there any chance of moving the car?