QI (2003) Episode Scripts

N/A - Jumpers

1 This programme contains some strong language.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Well goo-oo-oo-ood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and to some extent, good evening, and welcome to QI, where tonight, the joint is jumping! Lots of hoops to get through, so let's meet our jumpers.
A classy thoroughbred, Julian Clary.
APPLAUSE Fit as a flea, Ross Noble.
APPLAUSE The human pogo stick, Bill Bailey.
APPLAUSE And a nice, warm, woolly top, Alan Davies.
Very kind.
APPLAUSE There we are.
So, they've all got buzzers, and Julian goes MUSIC: "Jump Around" by House of Pain I'm not happy.
LAUGHTER Something to do with jumping in there, I believe, in the pop music sphere.
Ross goes MUSIC: "Jump (For My Love)" by the Pointer Sisters Good overbite.
That also had "jump".
Bill goes MUSIC: "Jump" by Van Halen I've no idea what that means.
That was a Van Halen! Alan goes MUSIC: "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport" by Rolf Harris LAUGHTER Aw.
A little jumpy thing, too.
So, it's "jumpers".
First tonight, I'd like you all to give me your impression of some Mexican jumping beans.
MEXICAN VOICE: "Hello there, we are jumping beans.
" LAUGHTER "We like to do the jumping, we cannot help ourselves.
" "Higher!" La cucaracha, la cucaracha.
I have to say, there is They're not jumping.
- .
a slight embarrassment here.
- What's happened? We ordered the Mexican jumping beans over the internet, and they arrived in fully jumping form but they have since died.
LAUGHTER I think you've been had.
This is a hazelnut.
It looks like I know it looks like a hazelnut.
Here they are.
They're more like "Mexican fidgeting beans.
- Can I just say that, in a wildlife documentary, that's a pretty poor excuse, isn't it? - Yeah, it is.
"We had some snakes earlier, but when they came in the post" LAUGHTER - "DHL tried to wedge them through the" - I know.
It's deeply shaming.
- How were they mistreated, then? What's happened? - Well Because Springwatch will hear of this! I know.
LAUGHTER Can we revive them with some powdered Doritos? LAUGHTER Play some Mexican music and they'll be up and running again.
STEPHEN HUMS LA CUCARACHA - I've cracked one open, there's something in it.
- There is.
- A tiny battery.
- Yes.
LAUGHTER There's a creature.
There IS a creature in there, there's a larva.
- A larva which has now sadly died - They've hatched.
They've become Is it a flea of some kind? Is it a Coleoptera? Is it from the Coleopteras? You're wanting to say "beetle", aren't you? - I want to say "beetle".
I said "Coleoptera".
- Which is even To try and do my best.
a really smart way of saying "beetle".
Yeah, because this is that sort of programme, isn't it? It's not BBC Breakfast, where they have pinheads who wouldn't know a I want you to say not "Coleoptera", but "Lepidoptera".
Oh! You mean butterflies? - Wellmoths.
- Moths? - Yes.
They're the larva of a moth.
- Ah, right.
And to be fair, they are seeds, not beans.
Up to 20 million of them are exported from Mexico, every year, around the world, as a novelty For comedy purposes.
Yeah, for comedy purposes.
Anyway, the "Mexican jumping bean" isn't really a bean, but it does jump and it does come from Mexico.
- From the Sonoran Desert, in fact.
- Oh, right.
In Sonora, we're going to stay.
What's unusual about Bailey's pocket mouse? LAUGHTER Wait a minute! Obviously, Bailey's pocket mouse doesn't look like that.
If you take away the handsome features, that's it - Bailey's pocket mouse.
Is it some sort of desert mouse that doesn't drink, or something? Well, you're almost right.
You're very close.
Oh, it does drink, but only Bailey's.
LAUGHTER That's right.
It shins up the bottle, like that.
And it brings its own miniature parasol.
There is a particular oil-bearing plant in Mexico Jojoba.
Yes! APPLAUSE And it was thought for many years that the Bailey's mouse was the only one that could tolerate eating it, because it is, basically, disgusting to all other animals.
So they can survive on shampoo? Well, that's the point, yeah.
It has then become a useful oil.
Since whaling stopped, it has some of the same properties as whale oil.
A lot easier to apprehend.
Yeah, than a whale, exactly.
You just get hold of a jojoba plant and it gives off this oil.
But very few animals eat it.
And very few animals are tolerant of it, because it is a disgusting oil.
But not if you're a Bailey's mouse, it's not.
And it was thought to be the only animal that could eat it, and, in fact, three others have since been discovered that are also capable of surviving on jojoba.
Pete Burns.
LAUGHTER Pete Burns is one.
Shaun Ryder is another.
- Bez.
- And Bez, yes.
That's your three go-to jojoba guys.
As an oil, it's a laxative, and so some people use it as a frying oil, except that when you fry things in it, it just runs through you.
So it's just a good way of keeping on a diet.
But mostly Jojoba is used for? - Shampoo.
- Your skin.
Your skin, shampoo, cosmetics and things.
- Who was it who made jojoba famous? - Billy Connolly.
Billy Connolly, exactly, did a famous routine about BILLY CONNOLLY VOICE: "Jojoba.
What's that? What the fuck's that, jojoba? Jojoba?!" LAUGHTER He has a way of repeating words, Billy Connolly, that I remember many years ago, when, for the first time, he was elected President of Israel, - and I got this phone call - Billy Connolly was?! - No.
LAUGHTER I may have BILLY CONNOLLY VOICE: "Mate, I'll tell you what.
Israel, it's a lovely place.
" I may have phrased this the wrong way, but this particular person had been, and the phone rang and it was Billy Connolly.
He didn't introduce himself, he just went, "Benjamin Netanyahu?!" LAUGHTER And I said, "What?" He said, "Benjamin Netanyahu?!" And I said, "Sorry, who is this?" He went, "Benjamin Netanyahu?! "What's that about? For fuck's sake, Benjamin Netanyahu?!" And then he put the phone down.
LAUGHTER It was Billy Connolly riffing on the name "Benjamin Netanyahu.
" Yeah, and he would have done the same with "jojoba.
" - "Jojoba.
" - "Jojoba.
" - "The month before November," that was the joke, wasn't it? - Exactly.
Sometimes Paul O'Grady phones me up and just goes PAUL O'GRADY VOICE: "Ooh, ah, ah, fucking shite" LAUGHTER Then hangs up.
"What's that, get that, no, stop it.
No, don't.
" - He doesn't say, "No, don't.
" - Doesn't he? - No, that's Frankie Howerd.
Oh, damn! LAUGHTER So easily confused.
That was your jojoba.
Now, who put jolly jumpers on their skyscrapers? Is it Cockney rhyming slang? "Jumpers on your skyscrapers.
" Doesn't rhyme with anything, how could it be? LAUGHTER It makes no sense at all.
Cockney not-rhyming slang.
COCKNEY VOICE: "I'll put a jumper on the skyscraper.
" "What's a skyscraper?" It rhymes with "rapers," that's all I can Oh, stop it.
Stop it right now.
They swoop out of the sky and have you.
COCKNEY ACCENT: "A horrible bunch of skyscrapers.
" Go back in time, go back in time, before tall buildings.
- What was a skyscraper before there were such things? - A tree? No.
- Was it an erection? LAUGHTER No.
No, it wasn't that.
Some sort of plane or aviation device? Was it an aviation device? Look at the picture, and think - A sail, a mast! - Oh! Yes.
The top one was called the skyscraper, but above it, there would be another one, which was called the jolly jumper.
And the jolly jumper was the highest sail on a boat.
So, it would be a sailor who would put a jolly jumper on a skyscraper.
Ah! - Isn't that pleasing? - That is quite Yeah.
I'm glad you're interested.
Crow's nest - vest! LAUGHTER Spinnaker Spinnaker Football commentator! LAUGHTER So, but, anyway, talking on skyscrapers and jumping - and jumping is of course our theme - there's a famous kind of jumping that originated in Polynesia.
- Bungee? - Bungee? - Bungee jumping - how did that begin? - It was the tribesmen with the twines, tying themselves up.
- Yes.
- They used vines.
- Yeah.
Vines, twines Yeah.
- Rhyming slang, wasn't it? - Vine, twine - Swine, bine Yeah.
- No, no, vines.
So, they tie it round, and then they jump, - but they didn't sort of go like that.
- They'd tie it round their ankle.
- It would go into the mud, their head, right into the mud.
- Exactly.
And we have film of precisely that.
Here you are - it's pretty scary.
Whoa! - That's - What an idiot! Ha-ha-ha! LAUGHTER Look at them, laughing their heads off! That's the Pentecost Islands, in the South Seas, where it was first observed.
And do you know who brought it to the world's attention? - Butlins.
- Er, no.
LAUGHTER It was David Attenborough, 50 years ago, did a documentary in which he showed this, and then Oxford Dangerous Sports Society started doing it - off Clifton Suspension Bridge - Yes.
But the first official bungee jumping - was done by AJ Hackett in New Zealand.
- New Zealand, Queenstown.
Near Queenstown.
There's the bridge.
And you're about to see a superhero - a man of astounding courage and bravery - do a bungee jump off the original AJ Hackett bridge.
There he is.
Can you see him there? He's fat, he's It's It's me! - ALL: Whoa! - Ooh, ow! There I am.
That was me bungee jumping, just last Earlier this year, in fact.
- Goodness me! - And do you know, the weird thing is, I am the biggest coward in the world.
The moment The moment I was picked up by the relief boat, I said, "I want to do it again!" The adrenalin surge is so enormous, it is the biggest fun I've ever had.
Does it Does it pull at your ankles?! The major problem usually is detached retinas, actually.
- Yes.
- People get pop-eyed.
What about when we went scuba-diving and your mask was too tight? Oh! No, no, no.
- His eyes nearly came out of his head! - Oh! LAUGHTER Inside the mask, these massive eyes! We're all going, "Look at Bill! "Check he's all right!" When we found out he was all right, I laughed I laughed my head off! - No, wait - The thing is Wait, wait, wait, wait! Rewind! Can we just go back to the bit where you said, when you checked we were all right, you laughed your You were laughing from the minute my face came out of the water.
LAUGHTER There was blood pouring out of my eyes, - and every - You had no idea at all! - I had no idea.
I was going, "What?" And people were going, "Oh, my!" - "Aaagh!" - "Oh, my God!" I went, "What? What?" Like Carrie or something, - with blood streaming from my eyes.
- These huge great eyeballs - - it took quite a long time for them to recede as well.
- Yes, it did.
And a lot of laughing was going on.
I thought you had some sort of magnifying mask on, - but when you took the mask off, they were still enormous! - Enormous.
- Oh! - Anyway, there's an even more extreme form of jumping, which is bungee in the dark, - where you can't tell how far you've fallen.
- Bungee in the dark? That's a cocktail! Bungee In The Dark, please! You have no idea how far you're going to fall! What are bungee ropes usually made of? - Elastic.
- Erm, latex, yeah.
- Oh, I've got a suit in latex! - Have you? Just had it made.
I would like a photograph sent to me of that, please.
LAUGHTER In 2008, one Carl Dionisio used one made from 18,500 whats - joined together? - Socks.
- Also latex - Elastic bands? - Tights? - Condoms? Condoms is the right answer.
That's the greatest condom bungee of all time.
If they all inflated, it would be like the scene from Up when the house turns LAUGHTER - It would indeed.
- And was there just loads of really tired women? - Just Just in his garden? - Yes! Anyway, so jumping off a bridge turns out to be as easy as falling off a log.
Now, how could these weights give you an extra 6.
5 inches? Hang 'em from your cock.
- Wow.
- Is it to do with stretching out your spine? - No.
- There's some sort of inscription on here.
- Yes - in what language? Sort ofSan Greek, I'd say.
- If we put - Greek is the right answer.
Ah, right.
This is the new Greek currency.
Er LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Hang on a second, I'll just get Wilma.
Erm You had it the wrong way up! - I got no signal, nothing! - Just do it that way.
No, the other way up - that's it.
The mad thing is, if Bill and I were to put these two things together, we would unleash the apocalypse.
- So, you're not allowed to, yeah.
- Keep them away.
They're called halteres, they're Greek, and they gave you an extra 6.
5 inches advantage - at a sporting event.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Punting with rocks.
Is it that if you're hurling them with the other hand, - and that weight gives you more of a spin? - That's a thought.
It's certainly an event in which you are judged by the greatest distance you have covered.
- Well, the long jump is - Long jumping.
You use these.
At first, when people found them, they thought they might be used as a handicap system for people who were better at long jumping, to hold them back.
But actually, you wind it up, you wind it up and wind it up and then you jump, and it gives you an extra 6.
5 inches advantage.
And also, you look like that.
You can see them depicted there, a pair of them hanging on the plate.
Is there some sort of checking system in the Olympics to check that people aren't, you know, - giving themselves an advantage? - Well, nowadays, you would not be allowed to do that, to use these.
Metal implants in their knuckles.
LAUGHTER You get nipples, and then, you know, the piercings - big magnet at the other end Urrrgh! You go knockers-first across the line.
So, the hammer, then? I don't understand That's Celtic.
Putting the shot was Celtic, but the original Greek ones were the discus, the javelin and standing long jumps.
Standing long jumps existed until 1912 in the Olympics.
You didn't run up, you just went, yagh! And the record, bizarrely, it is pure coincidence, but the record for the standing long jump is 12ft, two inches.
- No way.
- And it so happens - What? .
that the distance between there and there is exactly 12ft, two inches.
And I'm going to do it for you now! LAUGHTER The world record standing long jump is exactly that distance.
Was it set by that man with the flat cap and the cigarette on the right? He was furious that this bloke was doing it because the other bloke copyrighted the idea.
Yeah, exactly! Have you heard of Fierljeppen? Leppen.
It sounds Scandinavian.
It exists in East Anglia and Frisia, mostly in Holland, though.
Oh, jumping, jumping the - Jumping the canals.
- .
the dykes.
Jumping between the dykes using a pole.
It's a big sport.
We do it in Norfolk, where I come from.
You know they've got bridges now? It's so much less fun.
And you can actually see some LAUGHTER Mock ye not.
Watch some film of some splendid Fierljeppen performers and you will be impressed.
Here you are.
Big run.
Whoa! And Yes! And didn't even fall over.
Oh, look at that.
Less fortunate.
Just to prove it's not as easy as you think.
Andoh There you are.
Oh That's a good one.
You could watch that forever, couldn't you? They should do that instead of straightforward pole dancing, they should just have a loose brass pole, then a woman in her pants runs out.
"Wahey!" And then it's less sexual, you know, you can watch her arcing.
- I think it is sexual, mate.
You're in desperate, desperate need of help, Ross.
Now, you have some jump leads and some of old foam.
Show me how to telephone a catfish.
- Oh.
- Jump leads and bits of foam.
- All right.
I want you to show me - Is that actually your phone? - Oh, yeah LAUGHTER Using Using these implements, how you would telephone Oh, we thought you said foam.
We were looking for a sponge! LAUGHTER JULIAN: What have we got to do? Using these items, you should be able to telephone a catfish.
This is like Blue Peter, isn't it? Yes, isn't it? LAUGHTER Catfish! LAUGHTER - What you have to do - Argh! .
Hello, 118 118? Can I have the number of a catfish, please? Thank you.
You're in America, catfish - there, you can see one behind you - a highly popular dish all over the southern states, Louisiana and places like that, there's a way of catching catfish using a telephone.
- OK, I'm just going to chuck something out here.
- Throw it at me.
I'll tell you what the thing is.
- There's a small electric current - Ah! - .
that passes through a phone line - Yeah.
so you isolate It passes here, here, here and here.
LAUGHTER Yes, the current passes here, here, here and here.
Point A, B Listen carefully, we'll say this only once.
Then you place theer These are called the, um, powerful bulldog, um, clips - upon the two terminals here and here.
Thus electrocuting Aaaaagh! I think you've connected the same wire to itself.
Yes, yes, there are a few teething problems, obviously.
So there we are, there we have a current.
There's a copper bit there, that must be doing something.
- Now you place these in the water, near the catfish.
- Yes.
Then you dial - I don't know - 1 800 Catfish LAUGHTER And it causes a small current to pass through the water, - stunning the catfish, which floats to the surface.
- You're absolutely right.
It was in the early days of telephones actually, to be honest, when they used these magnetos, it was the old dialaphone thing, and you would take that from your phone, the old wind-up phone, and you'd crank the handle, the fish would be stunned by the electrical current and you would simply scoop them up and take them home.
So it's not specific to catfish? Well, it was used for catfish and it was so successful that it became essentially illegal because it over-fished the catfish population.
I've seen someone doing that in Thailand with a car battery - slung over his shoulder on a strap.
- I know, they do it.
And a pole, and just wading up to his knees and zapping fish.
And as you'll know, Bill, - in Indonesia, they use cyanide and dynamite to fish.
- On the tourists! Yeah.
LAUGHTER In Georgia in 1955 you could get 30 days on a chain gang for telephoning a fish.
It was called, literally, telephoning the fish.
There's an academic study called, Telephoning Fish: An Examination Of The Creative Deviance Used By Wildlife Violators In The United States.
- Cor! - It was that big of a problem.
You could probably smash a rabbit's head in with that as well.
BILL: There's a lot of wildlife could meet a terrible end from this stuff.
You know, round a panther LAUGHTER There was another thing they used to do which was a way of poaching deer.
In the evenings the deer would mingle with cattle.
- Socially? - Socially, yeah.
And you could crawl up behind a cow, with a pistol, and you'd shoot the deer.
But the problem is, you're in the middle of a field and you're miles from home, so what you would then do is you would get an air pump, and you would place it up the rectum of the deer, and you would pump it full of air and you'd put it on the river and it would float downstream to your partner, who would then place it on the boat.
It was a way of transporting poached deer, - by pumping them up.
- By pumping them with air.
- Up the jacksy.
- I thought they were standing behind the cow to shoot the deer so the other deer would think the cow did it.
LAUGHTER But actually it goes further back than that.
Native Americans used walnuts and buckeye leaves to grind and drop in the water which would instantly de-oxygenate the water downstream and the fish would come straight to the surface.
- Cunning.
- Which is very, very clever.
There are ways of catching fish that are sort of unfair.
It's very easy.
I've caught mackerel with nothing that resembles - a lure of fish.
- A simple shopping trolley.
Just by They're so stupid, they really are, that anything - you could just lower a piece of paper with "hook" written on it! LAUGHTER Poor mackerel! "Go on, swim to the shore and fling yourself onto the beach.
" "OK!" So it's time to put away our telephones and our objects, if we can.
All right, OK, so much for telephoning fish, how about jumping camels? - What? - Jumping camels? - Jumping camels? - Yeah.
What, do you mean without any kind of a chit-chat before, just? "Jump the beast.
" - Just straight in.
- In the Yemen.
- In the desert as well.
- In the Yemen.
I don't believe a camel can jump.
I don't think it can lift itself.
It's not the camels jumping.
- Do you jump from one camel to another? - It's more than that.
- Think Eddie Kidd.
- Oh, jumping over, right.
- Yeah.
Stunt bikes.
- Stunt, not bike, though.
- Oh.
- Just simply by your own human power, leaping over camels.
- What?! The record is six.
One human being can run up and leap over six dromedaries.
- With a trampoline or something? - No, there's a small amount of dirt laid up as a kind of jumping-off point, but no trampoline.
No bicycle pump involved? LAUGHTER No bicycle pump.
Yemen has some of the world's severest water shortages.
It's got a 50th of the average of the world's water supply.
Despite the fact that they have so little water, 40% of the water they have - is spent on cultivating what? - Golf courses.
No, they don't have that in Yemen, no.
Something that they're addicted to.
- Coffee? Tea? - Something they chew.
- Oh, khat? - Chewing gum! Khat! Khat is the right answer.
- Khat, there it is, khat.
- They chew cats? - You can see it behind you.
- Not cats.
Khat is a herb, it's a slight stimulant.
It's not like cocaine or speed or anything like that.
- No.
- It's not like an amphetamine, it's more like an espresso.
- Well - It gives you a kind of buzz.
- Yeah, it's like an Aero.
Or LAUGHTER It's about a third of the economic activity of the Yemen - No wonder they're doing so well.
- .
goes into khat.
Do they have khat houses in London where people actually go around and chew it? Yemeni blokes just sit around for days on end.
All the men get huge pouchy cheeks because they fill with so much Well, I know where I'm going for my holidays! LAUGHTER All right, OK.
So while we're there what did the environmentalist say to the camel? "Stop farting.
" Is it that they produce a lot of methane? Yes, they do.
Where in particular? ROSS: Out of their arse? - Why did I ask? - Just a guess.
APPLAUSE - But no, there is a particular place where camels are - Known for it.
- .
extremely numerous.
- Egypt.
- Yes, but this is a place where Australia, is it Australia? - Australia.
- They've got more wild camels in Australia than anywhere else on the planet.
Exactly, they have the highest number of feral camels.
In fact, they have 1.
2 million of them.
- They're like rats, they're vermin.
- Yeah.
- They get in your house, it's a nightmare.
- And you can see Only that sign could be Australia, couldn't it? Look at it.
Camel, wombat, kangaroo.
But the fact is, they export them to Arabia, - for meat and for racing.
- That's right.
Because they're a finer, a finer sort of species of camel.
They were brought over originally as a pack animal to Australia.
They seemed very natural because Australia is a dry country and camels survive well, obviously, in dry climates.
People thought, "perfect".
But of course, they bred and bred and bred and suddenly you've got these 1.
2 million camels.
And they do an enormous amount of anal wind expulsion.
They were on at Download, actually.
45 - It's actually - They supported Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark! - To be fair to them, it's not so much anal as oral.
- Oh, yeah.
It's 45 kilograms of methane a year.
God, you wouldn't want to stick one of them in a river! It'd be like a speed boat, wouldn't it? "I've shot a camel.
" Vrrrrroooom! It's the equivalent of a metric tonne of CO2, in its impact on global warming.
It's quite extraordinary.
It's a sixth the amount of the average car.
So, now there's a company called Northwest Carbon, which has set up a thing where you offset your carbon footprint, if you're an Australian car driver, by paying this company to go and shoot camels.
Which is basically a bit unfair, because, let's face it, Europeans with cars are as unnatural to Australia as camels are, and it seems a bit unfair.
- Why shouldn't the camels shoot the humans? - Yes.
Here's a thing, though.
While we're talking about all this whole business of ecology, Sainsbury's, the supermarket chain, very useful supermarket chain.
The great thing about Sainsbury's, it keeps the scum out of Waitrose.
APPLAUSE - All right, here's an initiative announced by Sainsbury's.
- Go on.
By reducing the diameter of the tube of a loo roll from 123mm to 112mm, right, just 11mm reduction, they will be able to fit more rolls into the same lorry.
Given the scale of the loo roll market - we use 45 to 50 rolls a year each! And that's including you.
I do that of a weekend.
Yes, all right.
This will mean 500 fewer lorry trips a year, just by doing that, by reducing the centre tube by 11mm.
- Wow.
- This is the principal difference between men and women, in my view.
The amount of loo roll that women use is unbelievable.
I mean, a roll can go in one visit.
- Really? - To be fair, though Just wrapping it round.
What's that? At least women don't pee all over the floor.
You know that's not true.
APPLAUSE Ah, a lot of women clapping there.
Obviously, they do use more loo roll but it's a lot harder for them to shake than it is for us, do you know what I mean? Cheeky flick, everything's fine.
For a woman to do that, she's got to get on a swing.
Or one of those power plates, you know, the ones that go Right.
Just, go like this.
One of those.
You wouldn't need a power plate.
All you need is a vibrating loo.
Oh, that's it, there you go.
You sit on it, you have a wee, press a button Trouble with that is, they'd never get off it.
"Where is she?" APPLAUSE "Are you coming out of there?" "I'm nearly there!" Oh, God.
Oh, God.
"I think I've got diarrhoea.
" Now here's the question, here's The Shake n' Vac.
Drink and leave the water.
I have to tell you, I have to tell you that the little baby Jesus, whom I have never believed in, until this minute, has told me to change the subject.
- So - Aw! - All right.
We're going to jump.
- I was just getting started.
- We're going to jump to Spain.
- We're on a roll.
We're on a roll! We're on a roll! - We're on a roll! - Come on! Come on! APPLAUSE Why do these babies have nothing to fear? There are men jumping over them, but why have they nothing to fear? - Yes.
- It's a real event that happens in Spain.
Baby jumping? Baby jumping, it's the baby jumping festival, El Colacho.
- El Colacho! - Yes.
- Yes, of course.
Near Burgos in Northern Spain, in the Castrillo de Murcia.
The reason is that these babies have been purged of their original sin in this ceremony, so that if they die, they won't go to hell.
Burgos has the largest cathedral in Spain.
- It's absolutely enormous.
- It's a very huge cathedral.
I love the concept of original sin.
It's like you go to confess and you go in and the priest goes, "That's not original enough.
" - It's derivative sin.
- "All right, then, I got a transit van "and then pushed it into a bouncy castle.
" "Yep, I haven't heard that before.
You can have a blessing.
" The Catholic Church is slightly embarrassed about this festival I was thinking, on the vibrating loo, you'd have different speeds, wouldn't you? Like a dial.
Like side to side, forwards and backwards, round and round.
But basically Al, then one like the waltzers that goes like that.
There are no reports of injured babies.
Oh, all right.
So you may prefer to indulge in a Japanese ceremony called the Hadaka Matsuri.
It's the Naked Festival.
- Raw baby-eating.
- Yeah, it takes place in Okayama.
There they are.
A 500-year-old event.
It culminates in 9,000 men in loincloths, wrestling in mud.
Are they all men? Some of them look like women.
- They're all men.
- There's a woman in the middle there, surely.
No, she's a man.
He's a man.
And in the end, the lucky man gets thrown a pair of sticks by a Shinto priest at around midnight and the winner thrusts the sticks into a wooden box filled with rice and is granted a year of happiness.
It seems a perfectly normal way to behave to me, don't you think? So run me through it again.
- You get a pair of sticks - 9,000 naked men wrestle in mud BILL: With great big pouchy mouths! .
and then eventually a Shinto priest throws two sticks to the winner, who sticks it in some rice and is granted happiness.
- OK.
- Yeah.
- I love rice.
Five stars on Trip Adviser, this, wouldn't it? Yeah.
All right, jumping out of planes now.
OK, what happens if you wear your parachute upside down? MUSIC: "Jump" by Van Halen Are you going to say you get back on the plane? Yes, Bill? You were in first.
I was going to say that you it just comes out the wrong way andyou're fine.
LAUGHTER - It's inside out.
- Yes.
You go upwards and you get back on the plane.
ALARM I think you'd be all right, wouldn't you? The parachute would catch the air anyway and open? I have some experience of this.
- Yes, go on, tell us.
- I've done a tandem jump.
I was once tossed through a hatch, strapped to a Red Devil.
LAUGHTER My life sort of flashed before me.
- Yes.
- And I thought the parachute wasn't going to come up.
But obviously it did, or I wouldn't be here.
But I did askKeith, his name was.
Keith the Red Devil.
what would happen.
It doesn't bear thinking about, apparently.
- You would die.
- You really would die.
Did you ask him this on the way down? "Keith? Keith?" "Shut up! Just shut up!" You can't speak at all.
Before the parachute goes up, you're falling so quickly your cheeks are out here.
- Pouch-like.
- Pouch-like.
You see, a theme is emerging.
And, um, and I had a camera attached to my helmet which, um LAUGHTER Behave.
Everyone is to behave.
Just because Julian said "helmet", it's not a cue for laughter.
- This is a butch moment.
- It's a night out, isn't it? Anyway, you couldn't speak because of the velocity of the wind filling up every orifice.
Can I have a point? You certainly can.
You're absolutely right, yes.
APPLAUSE The problem with the early days of parachuting was the standard-shaped parachute would cause a lot of waving back and forwards, so someone said maybe a V-shaped parachute would be a good idea, a 61-year-old water colourist called Cocker.
Cocking, I beg your pardon, Cocking.
- Robert Cocking.
- Can we have, like, an innuendo buzzer? - Cock, helmet - His name was Robert Cocking.
And he tried out, in 1837, the V-shaped and he became parachuting's first fatality.
You've probably got this on the cards, but you know the The SAS, you know how they do the old abseiling out of the helicopters? - Yes.
- Rappelling, you're thinking of.
- What? Rappelling.
How dare you.
BILL: Speed rappelling.
Yeah, they experimented parachuting out of helicopters and, of course, the downdraught caved the thing in and they'd just die.
So that's why they did the rappelling, as I like to call it.
LAUGHTER Very good.
It sucks up into the updraught, which you don't want.
You don't want to get sucked up into Oh, what? Stop it, stop it.
IMITATES INNUENDO ALARM Cocking BILL IMITATES INNUENDO ALARM A massive down draught Whoop! Cocking tried to involve himself with a balloon and he went up too fast and it was a big disaster.
Went up too fast.
Yep, "went up too fast", tick.
He died on the spot and the landlord of the pub where he landed charged people sixpence to look at his body and made ã10, which is quite a successful He was lying there stiff as a board.
Whoop, whoop.
His widow successfully sued him and he had to pay the ã10 back.
But who was it who proposed a parachute, back in 1485? Proposed a parachute? Yes, suggested the idea of a parachute.
- Bound to be Da Vinci.
- It was indeed Leonardo Da Vinci.
BILL: Leonardo DiCaprio.
He never tested it practically.
The first actual jump with a parachute was made in 1783.
Which is quite early, isn't it? By somebody called Louis-Sebastien Lenormand, from a height of only four metres.
So there you are, that's your parachuting.
Now, this is fun.
It's a dubious theory about jumping foxes.
NEWSREEL: "A dubious theory, from Stephen Fry.
" NEEDLE SCRATCHES According to researchers from the Czech Republic, foxes prefer to pounce on their prey in a north-easterly direction.
As long as they do so, they are successful 73% of the time.
If they jump in some other direction, they are much less successful - 18% of the time.
So the researchers think they must be using the Earth's magnetic field in some way which we don't yet understand.
Dubious or not? Visit foxyschmoxy.
uk and then decide for yourself, if you dare.
NEWSREEL: "A dubious theory, from Stephen Fry.
" NEEDLE SCRATCHES - Yes, it is actually true that foxes do - Really? Yep, the vast majority of their pounces, on mice, in particular, are in exactly that direction.
In the northern hemisphere, the magnetic field tilts downwards at about 65 degrees.
The fox searches for the spot where the angle of the sound hitting its ears matches the slope of the Earth's magnetic field.
It knows it's then a fixed distance away and can accurately leap on the mouse.
It seems to be that it does have some very strong bearing on the Earth's magnetic fields.
While we're on the subject of snow, we should look at avalanches.
What should you not do if there's a danger of an avalanche? Make a loud noise.
ALARM Ooh, Julian, Julian, I wish you hadn't said that.
Although it's a convenient plot device in movies, the idea of a gunshot, or a shout or a loud noise causing an avalanche is a complete fallacy.
- Oh, I'm sure I've seen it in a film.
- As I say, it does happen in films.
But not in real life.
Look at this one here.
Look at it, coming straight at the camera.
This is scary.
Look at that.
I mean, that is Argh.
ALAN: I'd love it if it came over Julian and Ross.
It's going to hit the camera at any minute.
All right, so we're now going to have something incredibly exciting - at least, I hope it's exciting.
It's a jolly jape.
- I do love my jolly japes.
- I love a jolly jape.
I've got here a little What I'm going to try and do is try and create something that will make you think, "No! "No, Stephen, this is not possible! "Stephen, I will now bow down and worship you forever.
" I'm going to try and create a square bubble.
- No! - "Shut up, Stephen!" - I'm on the verge of worshipping you forever.
- Yeah, exactly.
How would you not be? A square bubble.
- Shut the front door.
- So I've got this here, can you see that bubble there? - Oh! - Wow! It's not yet square, but if I blow Look at that! No way! - Square bubble.
- Oh! Square bubble! APPLAUSE How amazing is that? Very cool.
On television, virtually live, "as live", as we say, it's probably the only interesting and important thing I've ever done in my life.
But I'm proud, and thank you for enjoying my square bubble.
Well, that's the jolly jape.
And on that bubble-shell, I jump over to the scoreboard.
I suppose I have to begin at the bottom.
- Julian - No! Unfortunately, you scored minus seven points.
APPLAUSE - Alan, you are at third place, with minus four.
- Thank you.
APPLAUSE In second place, with five points, Ross Noble.
APPLAUSE And just one point ahead, on plus six, is Bill Bailey.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Well, that's all from Julian, Ross, Bill, Alan and me.
Be adorable to each other always.
Good night.