Queer as Folk s02e17 Episode Script
You Can Leda Girl to Pussy
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? .]
[ Mixed chatter .]
I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU.
I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU ALL NIGHT LONG.
Man: I'M GONNA BE LATE, ALL RIGHT? [ Mixed chatter .]
DIDN'T YOU GET ENOUGH? NEVER ENOUGH.
WHY DON'T WE SAVE IT TILL THE WEEKEND? WHY DON'T WE SAVE IT TILL WE GET TO THE CAR? I WAS THINKING THAT WE COULD GO AWAY, JUST THE TWO OF US.
SNOWBOARDING.
COOL, EXCEPT THERE'S NO SNOW.
IN VERMONT.
DAPHNE WAS JUST THERE WITH HER BOYFRIEND.
SHE SAID IT WAS AMAZING.
THEY STAYED IN THIS AWE- SOME PLACE.
IT WAS A CONVERTED FARMHOUSE AND EVERY ROOM HAD A FIREPLACE AND A JACUZZI.
DID THEY HAVE THOSE LITTLE MINTS ON THE PILLOWS? I FORGOT, BRIAN KINNEY DOESN'T DO ROMANCE.
I DON'T NEED AN EXCUSE TO FUCK.
YOU ALSO DON'T NEED AN EXCUSE TO TURN ME DOWN.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST ADMIT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO AWAY WITH ME FOR THE WEEKEND? I DON'T WANT TO GO AWAY WITH YOU FOR THE WEEKEND.
WELL, AT LEAST IT'S OUT IN THE OPEN.
I WANT TO GO AWAY WITH YOU FOR THE WHOLE FUCKING WEEK.
RIGHT.
HEY, IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED, I CAN FIND SOMEBODY WHO IS.
A WEEK WITH ME IN VERMONT? JACUZZI, FIREPLACE? GUESS IT'S JUST THE TWO OF US.
ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU'RE OFF ON SPRING BREAK.
I'M ABOUT TO MAKE PARTNER, WHICH I'D SAY MORE THAN ENTITLES ME TO A WEEK OF SNOWBOARDING, AND FUCKING YOUR BRAINS OUT.
REALLY? DID YOU PUT GUS DOWN? Lindsay: YEP, HE'S ALL SNUGGLED UP IN HIS BED.
HMMM.
NOW IT'S MY TURN.
HMMM.
POOR BABY.
YOU LOOK EXHAUSTED.
SO DO YOU.
MMM.
ROLL OVER.
WHAT FOR? GO AHEAD.
COME ON.
[ Yelp .]
WHOO! FACE DOWN.
OOH, YES, SIR, MA'AM.
[ Giggling .]
AH, YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS.
[ Sigh of contentment .]
THAT'S IT.
THAT FEELS GOOD.
MMM.
LET ALL THE TENSION GO.
[ Opening of door .]
Leda: JUST FINISHED THE FLOORS.
THEY LOOK GREAT.
THAT'S NICE.
'NIGHT.
'NIGHT.
'NIGHT.
[ Sigh .]
MAYBE I SHOULD'VE GONE WITH THE HARDWOOD INSTEAD OF THE PINE.
DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.
JUST RELAX.
[ Sigh .]
[ Exhaling .]
[ Whispering .]
NOW ROLL OVER.
THIS IS A SPECIAL FORM OF MASSAGE [ Chuckling .]
CALLED FOREPLAY.
[ Rubbing of hands .]
OH, I'VE MISSED THIS.
MMM.
ME TOO.
GOD, YOU'RE SO HOT.
[ Stifled yawn .]
OH-H-H.
SO ARE YOU.
[ Sleepy murmurs .]
[ ?????? .]
YOU KNOW, THE GOOD THING ABOUT NOT BALANCING YOUR CHEQUE BOOK IS THAT WHEN YOU FINALLY DO, YOU GET TO RELIVE ALL YOUR PURCHASES.
YOU SEE OOH, THE PLEASURE VAULT.
ALL RIGHT.
LET ME SEE.
NO NO ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW, IN THE FUTURE, BALANCE BEFORE YOU BUY.
HOW MUCH IS IT GOING TO COST ME THIS TIME? UM, 50? UH, HM, CLOSER TO 80, IF I WANT TO TURN MY PHONE BACK ON.
TRY 100 IF YOU'D LIKE TO PAY HALF THE ELECTRIC.
SO IS HE AS GOOD AS HE LOOKS? AND SPARE US YOUR MONOSYLLABIC ANSWERS.
I WANT DETAILS.
UH, FIRST I MADE HIM WORSHIP MY COCK FOR AN HOUR.
THEN I LET HIM RIM ME FOR A GOOD AFTER THAT, I FUCKED HIM SO HARD HE PASSED OUT.
I'M SURPRISED HE'S UP AND WALKING AROUND.
OOH, CAN THE SEX TALK.
LESBIAN APPROACHING.
Michael: HMPH, ARE YOU KIDDING? MEL AND LINZ ARE A COUPLE OF SEX MACHINES.
THEY SOAK THE SHEETS.
HEY, I DON'T CARE TO DISCUSS MY PERSONAL LIFE WITH A BUNCH OF FOUL-MOUTHED FAGS.
[ Scoffing .]
Emmett: WELL! SOMEBODY'S ON THE RAG.
OR NOT GETTING ANY.
YOU SEE HOW MUCH YOU GET WHEN YOU HAVE A FAMILY TO SUPPORT, A KID TO RAISE AND A MAJOR RENOVATION GOING ON UNDER YOUR ROOF.
BUT, OF COURSE YOU NEVER WILL SINCE YOUR ONLY RESPONSIBILITY IS TO YOUR DICKS.
WHICH IS WHY I'M SMILING AND YOU'RE NOT.
Ted: SOUNDS TO ME LIKE A CASE OF L.
B.
D.
Emmett: ?? DUH-DUH-DUH ?? WHAT THE HELL'S THAT? LESBIAN BED DEATH.
YOU KNOW, FIRST IT DRIES UP, THEN IT SHRIVELS UP, THEN IT CLOSES UP, THEN IT DISAPPEARS.
HOW COME I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THIS? BECAUSE IT ONLY EXISTS IN THE MINDS OF CUNTY GAY MEN.
MEOW! Ted: DON'T WORRY, MEL, THEY'RE DOING RESEARCH.
NEW DEVELOPMENTS ARE EMERGING EVERY DAY.
THERE'S GOING TO BE A TELETHON.
YEAH, WE'RE ALL GOING TO WEAR LITTLE, UM, FUCHSIA RIBBONS ON OUR LAPELS.
All men: [ Laughing .]
Ted: SEE YOU, MEL.
Melanie: OH-H! HE WANTS TO SEE YOU RIGHT AWAY.
WHAT'S THE RUSH? HE'S BEEN ON THE PHONE ALL MORNING WITH HIS ATTORNEY.
THAT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING.
HE'S DIVORCING HIS WIFE? HE'S MAKING YOU PARTNER.
OH-H-H.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU SO EXCITED ABOUT? I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.
AND THE PARTNER'S ASSISTANT GETS TO BE A RAVING BITCH TO EVERYBODY.
HUH.
NOW GET IN THERE.
AND GOOD LUCK, PARTNER.
BRIAN.
WHAT'S UP? [ Sigh .]
BIG CHANGE COMING.
OH? I SOLD THE AGENCY.
WHAT? TO GARDNER VANCE.
HE'S BEEN ON MY TAIL FOR OVER A YEAR, FINALLY MADE ME AN OFFER I COULDN'T REFUSE.
[ Chuckling .]
[ Drumming on desk .]
NOW I CAN BUY THAT PLACE IN BERMUDA, RETIRE AND PLAY GOLF UNTIL I DROP.
POP! AH.
CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU.
WHAT ABOUT ME? HUH! YOU MADE ME A PROMISE.
IF WE HAD ANOTHER YEAR, YOU LOOK, I HAD NO CHOICE.
OKAY? I HAD TO SELL.
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A COMPANY WORTH BUYING WITHOUT ME.
I BROUGHT IN OVER A THIRD OF YOUR ACCOUNTS.
AND I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE THAT VANCE KNOWS ALL ABOUT THAT.
OKAY, LOOK, YOU ARE GOING TO BE HIS GUY.
HE NEEDS YOU.
I GIVE YOU MY WORD.
[ Scoffing .]
WELL, WITH THE MONEY TEDDY LOANED ME, MY NEW BALANCE SHOULD BE $147.
16.
SO WERE YOUR CALCULATIONS ACCURATE? JUST A SMIDGE OFF.
THIS SAYS I HAVE $10,000,147.
16.
HUH? HUH! OBVIOUSLY THAT'S A MISTAKE.
NOT NECESSARILY.
IT IS AN INTEREST- BEARING ACCOUNT.
[ Beeps of ATM .]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.
[ Rattle of printer .]
[ Chuckling .]
Leda: LESBIAN BED DEATH? WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT? Melanie: THERE MUST BE SOMETHING TO IT.
I MEAN, WE KNOW AT LEAST THREE OTHER COUPLES WHO HAVE STOPPED HAVING SEX.
EVERY COUPLE GOES THROUGH HOT AND COLD SPELLS.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN TOGETHER? SEVEN YEARS.
I'D CONSIDER YOURSELVES LUCKY.
LISTEN, I MAY NOT BE AN AUTHORITY ON LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS.
IN FACT, I MEAN, I TRY TO AVOID THEM; BUT I DO KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT SEX, AND I CAN TELL YOU THIS, YOUR BATTERY ISN'T DEAD, IT JUST NEEDS RECHARGING.
WHAT YOU NEED IS TO SHAKE THINGS UP.
DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT, BE SPONTANEOUS.
SPONTANEOUS.
Leda: YEAH.
A COUPLE OF FUCKABLE BABES LIKE YOU? [ Chuckling .]
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE ANY PROBLEM.
[ ?????? .]
I FOUND THIS GAY B & B FIVE MINUTES FROM SUGARBUSH.
[ Chuckling .]
SOUNDS SUSPI- CIOUSLY LESBIAN.
IT'S THE BEST SNOWBOARDING IN VERMONT.
UH-HUH? THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THAT WE'VE EVER GONE AWAY TOGETHER.
Ted: IS THAT SUCH A GOOD IDEA, WITH YOUR COMPANY BEING TAKEN OVER? THEY NEED ME MORE THAN I NEED THEM.
GUESS YOU'VE GOT BIGGER BALLS THAN I DO.
WAS IT EVER A QUESTION? WHAT'LL IT BE, BOYS? DRINKS ARE ON ME.
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO WITH THE 100 BUCKS I GAVE YOU? I, UH, WON'T BE NEEDING ANY FURTHER FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE.
[ Chuckling .]
SOMEBODY ACCIDENTALLY DEPOSITED $10,000,000 IN HIS ACCOUNT.
FUCK! I HOPE YOU DIDN'T TOUCH ANY OF IT.
JUST A MEASLY 300.
WHAT? DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE DONE? YOU COMMITTED BANK FRAUD.
THAT'S A FEDERAL OFFENCE.
OH OH MY GOD.
I WARNED YOU.
OH MY OH MY GOD.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? TOMORROW YOU'RE GOING TO GO BACK TO THE BANK, YOU'RE GOING TO RETURN EVERY CENT.
UH, DO YOU MIND IF I BORROW BACK THAT 100? THERE WAS THIS FABULOUS GUCCI BELT [ Chiming of elevator bell .]
[ Tapping on door .]
AH.
GARDNER VANCE.
BRIAN KINNEY.
SIT.
RYDER TELLS ME THAT YOU'RE THE BEST ACCOUNT EXEC HE'S GOT.
HE'S RIGHT.
THIS IS WHY I FIRED EVERYONE ELSE.
I'VE ALWAYS HATED THOSE LONG LINES AT THE WATER COOLER.
HE ALSO TELLS ME THAT YOU ARE ARROGANT, WILLFUL AND, UM INSUBORDINATE.
I'LL TRY MY BEST TO LIVE UP TO MY REPUTATION.
WHY DON'T YOU START BY TELLING ME WHY I SHOULDN'T FIRE YOU TOO? UH, FOR ONE THING, I KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS COMPANY THAN YOU DO.
FOR ANOTHER, I HAVE THE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE CLIENTS.
IF I GO, THEY GO.
AND FINALLY, WE BOTH KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO GET MORE OUT OF ME THAN SOME TALENTLESS TOADY YOU BRING IN FOR HALF THE PRICE.
BEFORE I ACQUIRED THIS FIRM, I LEARNED EVERY- THING ABOUT IT.
EVERYTHING.
I ALSO CONTACTED EVERY ONE OF YOUR CLIENTS, AND THEY AGREED TO STAY, WITH OR WITHOUT YOU.
WITH REGARD TO MY HIRING SOME "TOADY", AT LEAST, THEY GIVE ME THE ONE THING I DOUBT YOU EVER WILL, THEIR LOYALTY.
SO ARE THERE ANY OTHER REASONS WHY I SHOULDN'T FIRE YOU TOO? I CAN'T THINK OF ONE.
YOU'VE GOT A WEEK.
PROVE TO ME THAT YOU'RE WORTH IT.
THAT LONG? OH, BY THE WAY, RUMOUR HAS IT THAT YOU'RE GAY.
THE RUMOUR'S RIGHT.
BUT UNLESS I'M FUCKING YOU, IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
THERE'S BEEN A SLIGHT MISUN- DERSTANDING.
V-VERY SLIGHT.
TINY.
ITSY- BITSY-WEENSY.
YEAH.
I-IT SEEMS MR.
HONEYCUTT INADVERTENTLY, UH, WITHDREW FUNDS THAT DIDN'T BELONG TO HIM.
BUT, UH, HERE'S THE MONEY, ALL CRISP AND NEW.
IT'S LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED.
HAVE A NICE DAY.
WAIT RIGHT THERE.
OH MY GOD.
THEY'RE GOING TO ARREST ME.
ALL RIGHT, JUST CALM DOWN.
WHAT AM I YOU'RE GOING GOING TO DO? TO PLAY DUMB.
I CAN DO THAT.
YOU'RE GOING TO SAY YOU WITHDREW THE MONEY, NEVER REALIZING IT WASN'T YOURS, WHICH IS WHY YOU'VE COME TO RETURN IT.
TH-THAT'S PERFECT.
THAT'S PERFECT.
THEY'RE SURE TO BELIEVE ME.
BUT IF THEY DON'T, TRY FOR A CELL WITH SOUTHERN EXPOSURE.
Man: WHICH ONE OF YOU IS MR.
HONEYCUTT? I-I-I-I-I HE IS.
PLEASE COME WITH ME.
[ Gulping .]
I DID IT.
I STOLE THE MONEY.
I'M GUILTY.
[ Whimpering .]
I'M SO, SO SORRY.
[ Sobbing .]
IT WAS A MISTAKE.
Man: OH, IT WAS NO MISTAKE.
[ Sobbing .]
THE MONEY WAS CORRECTLY DEPOSITED INTO YOUR ACCOUNT, ALL $10,000,000 OF IT.
I I NEED TO, UH, CONSULT WITH MY ACCOUNTANT.
WHAT EXACTLY DID HE MEAN BY THAT? ALL RIGHT.
WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU MEAN BY THAT? THE MONEY WAS LEFT TO YOU BY GEORGE SCHICKEL.
G-GEORGE? HE ALSO WANTED YOU TO HAVE THIS.
FIND ANYTHING? GARDNER VANCE, 41, GRADUATED HARVARD BUSINESS SCHOOL, STARTED AS A COPYWRITER FOR D.
B.
D.
& O.
IN NEW YORK, THEN JUNIOR AD EXEC AT I.
& R.
IN CHICAGO, PARTNER AT W.
J.
IN L.
A.
WHAT ABOUT YOU? WHAT DID YOU FIND? UH, MOSTLY THE SAME AS YOU, PLUS A FEATURE ARTICLE THEY DID ON HIM IN ONE OF THE CHICAGO PAPERS.
DIVORCED TWICE.
BOXING FANATIC.
WOW! STRAIGHT GUYS.
WELL, THERE'S AN INTERESTING QUOTE THOUGH.
I CIRCLED IT.
"WHEN ASKED IF THERE WAS AN ACCOUNT HE'D NEVER BEEN ABLE TO LAND, VANCE SAID, 'YEAH BROWN ATHLETICS.
'" WHERE ARE YOU GOING? TO SEE A FEW OF MY HOTTEST TRICKS.
YOU'RE GOING TO THE BATHS NOW? YOU'RE GOING TO FUCK US BOTH OUT OF A JOB.
THIS IS THE FILTHIEST THE SLEAZIEST, THE MOST DISGUST- ING MOTEL ROOM I'VE EVER SEEN.
YOU WERE EXPECTING THE RITZ-CARLTON? UH-HUH.
WHAT? HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? HOME.
BUT WE JUST WALKED IN.
AND NOW WE'RE JUST WALKING OUT.
BUT WE ALREADY PAID.
BY THE HOUR.
WHAT KIND OF MOTEL HAS HOURLY RATES? [ Sigh .]
THE KIND WHERE YOU SNEAK AWAY FOR A QUICKIE WITH SOME CHICKIE, AND HOPE YOUR WIFE DOESN'T FIND OUT.
[ Groaning .]
[ Sigh .]
TAKE OFF YOUR COAT.
STAY A WHILE.
[ Moaning .]
GOD.
BUT THERE ARE STAINS ON THE BEDSPREAD.
AND HOLES IN THE CARPET AND IT SMELLS.
WHEW! I KNOW.
SLEAZY.
SEXY.
SPONTANEOUS.
[ Chuckling .]
CAN'T WE BE SPONTANEOUS SOME SOME PLACE ELSE LIKE WHERE THEY CHANGE THE SHEETS, AND HAVE ROOM SERVICE? THIS SAYS THEY HAVE A COMPLETE LINE OF SEX TOYS, INCLUDING 31 FLAVOURS OF LUBRICANT AT THE FRONT DESK.
[ Giggling .]
TAKE YOUR PICK.
Both: [ Chuckling .]
OH GOD.
[ Sighing .]
COME ON.
Both: [ Moaning .]
THAT'S A GOOD GIRL.
[ Distant pounding .]
[ Muffled shouts of ecstasy .]
JESUS CHRIST! I-I GOTTA CALL THE MANAGER.
IT'S NOT THE RITZ-CARLTON.
WHY DON'T WE PUT THE TV ON? MAYBE IT'LL DROWN THEM OUT.
Melanie: WHAT ELSE IS ON? UGH-H.
Girl: [ On TV .]
OH NO, IT'S NOT THOSE THINGS AREN'T REAL, ARE THEY? Girl: [ On TV .]
I THINK MINE ARE BIGGER.
I HOPE NOT.
[ Chatter of TV .]
INVENTED IN BEIJING, AS THE CHINESE OH-H-H! IT'S MY FAVOURITE COOKING SHOW.
HE'S PREPARING MANDARIN DUCK.
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW HOW TO MAKE THAT.
THIS IS AN AIR PUMP, IT'S ACTUALLY GOING TO PUMP AIR INTO IT, SEPARATES THE SKIN FROM THE MEAT.
THANKS.
AND THAT'S THE SECRET OF RENDERING OFF THE FAT.
ONCE IT'S SEPARATED HEY, EMMETT.
HI, GEORGE.
George: I MISS YOU.
I MISS YOU TOO.
George: NOW YOU MUSTN'T CRY.
I'LL TRY NOT TO.
LET ME SEE YOU SMILE NOW.
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN.
EMMETT, NOW COME ON.
YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.
George: THAT'S BETTER.
WELL, DID YOU RECEIVE MY LITTLE GIFT? "LITTLE"? GOD, I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
NEITHER COULD WE.
George: SEE, YOU YOU ALWAYS SAY "FUCK 'EM ALL.
" WELL, TO DO THAT YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE "FUCK 'EM ALL" MONEY.
W-W-WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT? George: WHATEVER YOU WANT.
WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY.
Y-YOU MADE ME HAPPY.
George: YOU TOO.
MORE THAN YOU'LL KNOW.
CLEAR INDICATION.
George: WELL, I I GUESS THIS IS IT.
YOU'RE OFF ON YOUR ADVENTURE I'M OFF ON MINE.
[ ?????? .]
Brian: I NEED THESE IN THREE HOURS.
I'M NOT FOTOMAT.
I'LL TRY.
[ ?????? .]
THAT'S GOOD.
[ ?????? .]
DIP IN HERE.
[ ?????? .]
THANK YOU.
[ ?????? .]
GOOD.
[ ?????? .]
BEAUTIFUL.
GOOD.
GOOD.
[ ?????? .]
Photographer: YEAH, GOOD GOT YOUR AIRLINE TICKET.
BUT I DON'T THINK YOU'LL BE NEEDING IT.
I CALLED BROWN'S OFFICE.
THEY SAID HE DOESN'T ACCEPT UNSOLICITED PICTURES.
Photographer: TURN AROUND YEAH, YEAH.
GOOD.
DO YOU WANT ME TO CANCEL? [ ?????? .]
Emmett: TA-DA.
OH-H-H, EMMETT! OH-HO-HO, YOU CAN'T DO THIS.
[ Chuckling .]
Melanie: OH, GOD! PEOPLE DON'T GET THEIR FRIENDS A CAR.
UNLESS YOU'RE A GAME SHOW HOST.
OH, IT'S NOT JUST A CAR.
IT'S A SUBARU SUV.
OH-H-H! [ Squealing .]
I READ IN A RECENT SURVEY, IT'S THE NUMBER ONE CHOICE AMONG LESBIANS.
I'M SURE MR.
SUBARU WOULD BE THRILLED.
All: [ Chuckling .]
UM JUSTIN, THIS IS FOR YOU.
A TRIP TO ITALY? YEAH.
[ Chuckling .]
GEORGE AND I WERE PLANNING BUT NEVER MIND.
YOU'RE GOING, AS ARTISTS HAVE FOR CENTURIES, TO THE ETERNAL CITY, TO FLORENCE, TO VENICE.
IT IS THERE THAT YOU WILL DISCOVER YOUR SOUL.
Ted: AND SEE LOTS OF STATUES OF NAKED MEN TOO.
Justin: THANKS, EM.
[ Chatter/laughter .]
AND, UM, WHEN YOU AND BRIAN ARE IN MILAN, HE CAN USE THIS.
IT'S A GIFT CERTIFICATE TO, UH, ARMANI FOR THE FALL COLLECTION.
OH, HE'LL LOVE A NEW SUIT.
THE ENTIRE COLLECTION.
[ Chuckling .]
HE'LL NEVER WONDER WHAT TO WEAR AGAIN.
[ Laughter .]
AND, DEBBIE, FOR YOU.
OH SHIT, YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CRY.
NO.
MMMM.
Justin: OH MY GOD.
Michael OH, MA.
OH NO, EMMETT, NO.
I COULDN'T.
YEAH! NOW WHEN YOU ARE SLINGING THAT HASH, EVERYONE WILL THINK YOU'RE A PRINCESS.
[ Chuckle .]
THANK YOU.
MICHAEL.
[ Chuckling .]
Michael: JESUS, EM HE PAID THE MORTGAGE ON ON MY COMIC BOOK STORE FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS.
Debbie: OH, HONEY.
YOU JUST CHANGED MY LIFE.
[ Laughter .]
Ted: OH.
GUESS THERE'S NOTHING IN THE BAG FOR ME.
HMMMM.
[ Mumbling .]
OH-OH! All: AH-H-H! WELL, THE ONE PRESENT I REALLY WANTED TO GET YOU, I COULDN'T: SOMEONE WONDERFUL TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH.
AH WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS A GOLDEN RETRIEVER.
[ Chuckling .]
[ Voice breaking .]
LIFETIME ORCHESTRA SEAT AT THE OPERA.
TWO LIFE- TIME SEATS, 'CAUSE I KNOW YOU'LL FIND THAT SOMEONE.
THANK YOU Melanie: OH, OH Ted: [ Chuckle .]
Melanie: WHAT ABOUT YOUR- SELF, EMMETT? I HOPE YOU GOT YOURSELF SOMETHING.
OH, NO.
NO.
IT'S MUCH BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE.
HUH EXCEPT IN BED.
[ Laughter .]
HOWEVER THERE WAS A LITTLE SOMETHING THAT DID CATCH MY EYE.
[ Giggling .]
Melanie: HERE WE GO.
Ted: NOW I START TO WORRY.
GEORGE WANTED IT TO BE "FUCK 'EM ALL" MONEY.
[ Mixed squealing .]
WELL, GEORGIE, THEY'LL HEAR ME IN THIS.
[ Chuckle of triumph .]
[ Mixed comments .]
[ ?????? .]
Both: [ Startled gasps .]
HEY! I WAS JUST ON MY WAY TO THE KITCHEN TO MAKE MYSELF A SANDWICH.
COME SHARE MINE.
COME ON.
I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO BE HERE.
I FIGURED YOU'D BE OUT PAINTING THE TOWN RED OR WHATEVER COLOUR THEY PAINT TOWNS THESE DAYS.
ALL THE HOT GALS ARE HOME WITH THEIR WIVES, GETTING IT ON.
HOW ABOUT YOU GUYS? WE TRIED GOING TO A MOTEL.
NO SHIT! DID THEY HEAR YOU SCREAMING THROUGH THE WALLS? THAT WAS SOMEONE ELSE.
[ Nervous giggle .]
WE WERE THE ONES WATCHING THE COOKING SHOW.
WELL, IF I'D BEEN THERE, I'D HAVE PINNED YOU BOTH TO THE BED AND DONE THE DOZEN-DOZEN, DIFFERENT POSITIONS.
[ Choking .]
YOU OKAY? JUST WENT DOWN THE WRONG WAY.
CHRIST, YOU'RE TIGHT.
HONEY, YOU NEED TO LOOSEN UP.
LIE DOWN.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO, NO.
IT'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY.
NO, NO, I'M JUST GOING TO RUB YOUR SHOULDERS.
YEAH.
MM-HMM.
COME ON.
COME ON.
I'LL GET ALL THE STRESS WORKED OUT, UM AND THEN YOU AND THE MISSUS CAN SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST.
MMM, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED? SHIATSU.
HMM.
MM-HMM, OR EVEN BETTER TANTRIC.
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DEEP RECTAL MASSAGE? NOT RECENTLY.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH TENSION PEOPLE CARRY IN THEIR SPHINCTERS.
[ Chuckling .]
[ Giggling .]
Leda & Lindsay: [ Chuckling .]
SHHH.
[ Laughing .]
Justin: EMMETT GOT EVERYONE THE COOLEST STUFF.
HE GOT CARS, TRIPS.
HE EVEN GAVE DEBBIE A DIAMOND BRACELET.
I REALLY HAVE TO HAND IT TO HIM.
HE MUST HAVE GIVEN GEORGE ONE HELL OF A BLOW JOB.
HAVE YOU SEEN MY PRADA TIE? FUCK THE TIE.
HE GOT YOU THE ENTIRE ARMANI FALL COLLECTION.
YEAH WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO WEAR UNTIL THEN? HE GOT ME A TRIP TO ITALY.
TO SEE ALL THE MASTERS.
YEAH, I HEARD THEY HAVE A BIG S & M SCENE THERE.
WHY ARE YOU BRINGING A TIE TO GO SNOWBOARDING? UH, I'M NOT GOING SNOWBOARDING.
I'M GOING TO CHICAGO.
CHICAGO? WHAT THE HELL'S IN CHICAGO? MY NEW ACCOUNT.
BUT WE'RE GOING TO VERMONT TOMORROW.
SOME OTHER TIME.
COME ON, YOU PROMISED.
IT'S BUSINESS.
FUCK BUSINESS.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHO YOU'RE FUCKING.
IT'S BUSINESS.
IT'S MY BUSINESS.
IT PAYS FOR THIS LOFT.
IT PAYS FOR SNOWBOARDING IN VERMONT.
IT PAYS FOR THE PITTSBURGH INSTITUTE OF FINE ARTS.
NOW, IF I DON'T GET ON THAT PLANE, I'M GOING TO BE COLLECTING UNEMPLOYMENT IN MY FUCKING ARMANI FALL COLLECTION.
HEY, SWEETS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? LOOKS GREAT.
LINDSAY'S ALL HEPPED TOO.
YOU'VE DONE AN AMAZING JOB.
HMM, THANKS.
WHOA, CAREFUL.
[ Clearing of throat .]
SHE AND I ARE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL.
ANYTHING FOR YOU GUYS, YOU KNOW THAT.
BUT YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT FAIR ASKING YOU TO DO ALL THIS BY YOURSELF.
I'M LOVING IT.
NO.
REALLY, I MEAN, IT'S TOO BIG A JOB.
W-WE CAN FIND A CARPENTER OR A HANDYMAN TO COME IN AND FINISH IT UP.
SUGAR, THERE'S NO HANDYMAN OR WOMAN HANDIER THAN ME.
I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR HANDIWORK.
LIKE THE JOB YOU WERE DOING ON LINDSAY LAST NIGHT.
THAT WAS JUST A FRIENDLY LITTLE MASSAGE.
[ Scoffing .]
OH WELL IT LOOKED MORE THAN A LITTLE FRIENDLY TO ME.
JESUS, WHAT'S WITH THE JEALOUS WIFE ROUTINE? I MASSAGE HER AND SHE FUCKING FALLS ASLEEP.
YOU RUB HER AND SHE PURRS.
OH, SO NOW I'M TO BLAME FOR YOUR LESBIAN BED DEATH.
ALL I KNOW IS EVERYTHING WAS FINE BEFORE YOU MOVED IN.
WHO THE HELL INVITED ME? I DID.
AND NOW I'M ASKING YOU TO LEAVE.
YOU WANT SOME? NOT HUNGRY.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO? STARVE YOURSELF TO DEATH? HUH, YOU SOUND JUST LIKE DEB.
I WONDER HOW THAT HAPPENED.
COME ON.
EAT.
YOU WANT TO HEAR MY SECRET FANTASY? I DON'T GENERALLY LIKE DISCUSSING KINK ON AN EMPTY STOMACH.
TO SEE RAGE ON A CEREAL BOX, PREFERABLY FROOT LOOPS.
A LITTLE ACTION FIGURE INSIDE.
COLLECT ALL THREE.
COULD HAPPEN.
ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE.
EXCEPT BRIAN AND I ACTUALLY SPENDING ANY TIME TOGETHER.
I'M SURE HE WOULD HAVE RATHER GONE WITH YOU.
HE HAD NO CHOICE.
DO YOU ALWAYS DEFEND HIM? LOOK, IF HE DOESN'T MAKE IT NOW, HE NEVER WILL.
HE'S ALREADY MADE IT.
HE HAS MONEY, SUCCESS, A KILLER LOFT.
WHAT ELSE DOES HE WANT? TO BE THE BEST.
IF HE GETS THIS ACCOUNT, HE'LL BE A STAR.
AND IF HE DOESN'T, HE'S OUT OF A JOB.
IT WON'T BE THAT EASY STARTING OVER AT A NEW FIRM.
YOU KNOW, WITH ALL ALL THESE NEW GUYS, YOUNGER GUYS, COMING UP ALL THE TIME.
SO WHAT ABOUT ME? WHERE DO I FIT IN? I DON'T WANT TO WAIT.
I WANT A BOYFRIEND WHO ONLY WANTS TO BE WITH ME, WHO WANTS TO STAY HOME EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
WHO AT LEAST GETS JEALOUS WHEN SOME OTHER GUY'S SUCKING MY DICK RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM.
THAT'S NOT BRIAN.
IT NEVER WILL BE.
I'M SORRY, MR.
KINNEY, BUT WE LEFT WORD WITH YOUR ASSISTANT THAT MR.
BROWN WASN'T INTERESTED IN MEETING WITH YOU.
TELL HIM I FLEW ALL THE WAY FROM PITTSBURGH JUST TO SEE HIM.
UNFORTUNATELY, HE'S IN A CLOSED- DOOR MEETING AND CAN'T BE DISTURBED.
I'LL WAIT.
HIS DAY IS BOOKED SOLID.
YOU KNOW, I'M SURE IF HE SAW MY PRESENTATION LOOK, I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.
NO.
YOU'RE WASTING HIS TIME.
BECAUSE THE SOONER YOU GET ME IN TO SEE HIM, THE SOONER I CAN SHOW HIM THESE.
INTERESTING.
I CAN SEE YOU'RE IMPRESSED.
MAYBE YOU'D LIKE A COPY FOR YOURSELF.
[ ?????? .]
MR.
BROWN UH EATS LUNCH HARVARD CLUB.
[ Grunting .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Mixed chatter .]
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? BRIAN KINNEY, VANGARD ADVERTISING.
YOUR ASSISTANT SAID I'D FIND YOU HERE.
I TOLD HIM TO TELL YOU I WASN'T INTERESTED.
REALLY.
WONDER WHAT GOT INTO HIM.
HERMAN, WILL YOU KINDLY SHOW THIS GENTLEMAN OUT? HERMAN, WOULD YOU KINDLY BRING US A BOTTLE OF DOM? ON VANGARD, OF COURSE.
WE'RE CELEBRATING, BROWN ATHLETICS' NEW AD CAMPAIGN.
[ Opening of case .]
IF YOU'RE HERE TO CONVINCE ME TO BE MORE HIP, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.
I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'LL MAKE A PAIR OF SNEAKERS THAT LIGHT UP WHEN YOU BOUNCE.
LEAVE TRENDINESS TO THE OTHER GUYS.
WHAT YOU SELL IS GOOD OLD AMERICAN TRADITION, BUT YOU NEED SOMETHING WITH MORE HEAT.
YOUNG MAN, THERE IS NO HEAT IN BASEBALL CAPS AND WINDBREAKERS.
YOU'RE RIGHT, THERE'S NOT.
BUT IT'S MY JOB TO MAKE PEOPLE THINK THAT THERE IS.
"THE ONE THING TO WEAR".
WE RUN THESE IN ALL THE TOP-END MAGAZINES.
"VANITY FAIR", "ESQUIRE" "GQ".
WE APPEAL TO WOMEN BECAUSE THEY DO MOST OF THE SPENDING, AND TO THE NEW GAY MARKET.
HERMAN, WOULD YOU BRING ME A STEAK, MEDIUM-RARE? YES, SIR.
Debbie: NOTICE HOW I CALL ATTENTION TO IT WITHOUT CALLING ATTENTION TO IT? IT'S CALLED CLASS.
GOT ANY ICE? WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS? FOR MY WATER! [ Chuckling .]
COMIN' RIGHT UP.
HEY, MR.
MONEYBAGS.
WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU? A DOUGHNUT, PLEASE.
YOU GOT IT.
BEEN SHOPPING? OF COURSE HE HAS.
WHAT ELSE DOES A FAGGOT OF LEISURE HAVE TO DO ALL DAY EXCEPT SHOP? TOO MANY PEOPLE, TOO TIRING, TOO COLD.
AND COMPLAIN? [ Chuckling .]
WELL, THERE WERE A FEW INTERESTING SALES, BUT, UM, BUT THEN I REALIZED I DON'T NEED TO BUY ON SALE ANY MORE AND IT ALL SUDDENLY SEEMED SO EMPTY.
Ted & Michael: [ Chuckling .]
ONE QUEER DOUGHNUT ON THE HOUSE.
THANKS, DEB.
SO I, UH, I BEGAN TO THINK.
ALWAYS A DANGEROUS SIGN.
I'VE INHERITED, YOU KNOW, MORE THAN, UH, VAST SUMS OF MONEY.
I-I'VE INHERITED RESPONSIBILITY.
I MEAN, I-I-I BOUGHT PRESENTS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR THE ONE PERSON WHO MADE IT POSSIBLE.
GEORGE.
EM, GEORGE IS DEAD.
I KNOW.
I MEAN, I KNOW I CAN'T BUY HIM, YOU KNOW, A CAR OR A WATCH, BUT, UH I CAN HONOUR HIS MEMORY.
WELL, HE'S ALREADY GOT LOTS OF THINGS TO HONOUR HIS MEMORY.
A CONCERT HALL.
AND A PICKLE.
I WAS THINKING, UH, MORE ALONG THE LINES OF THE GEORGE SCHICKEL HOME FOR GAY AND LESBIAN YOUTH.
GEORGE SURE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING WHEN HE GAVE THAT MONEY TO YOU, HONEY.
HELLO.
GET YOU ANYTHING? EMMETT HONEYCUTT? I'M EMMETT HONEYCUTT, BUT I'M NOT ON THE MENU.
THIS IS FOR YOU.
WHAT IS IT? SOMETHING ABOUT THE SCHICKEL ESTATE.
LET ME SEE THAT.
YADA-YADA "TO INFORM YOU THAT YADA-YADA YADA-YADA WHAT? Ted: [ Clearing of throat .]
THE SCHICKEL FAMILY IS CONTESTING EMMETT'S INHERITANCE.
BUT THEY CAN'T DO THAT.
HE HE LEFT IT TO ME.
WELL, APPARENTLY THEY THINK HE SHOULD'VE LEFT IT TO THEM.
THEY'VE FROZEN YOUR ACCOUNT.
WELL, WH-WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? IT MEANS MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE PASSED UP THOSE SALES QUITE SO QUICKLY.
YOU TOLD HER TO LEAVE WITHOUT EVEN ASKING ME? YOU NEVER WANTED HER HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
WELL, I LIKE THAT SHE'S HERE NOW.
I BET YOU DO.
SHE'S DOING AN AMAZING JOB.
AND NOT JUST IN THE ATTIC.
EXCUSE ME? ALL THIS TIME I'M THINKING THE REASON THAT WE'RE NOT FEELING VERY SEXUAL IS BECAUSE WE'RE TOO TIRED, UH, THAT WE HAVE TOO MUCH ON OUR MINDS.
I DIDN'T REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE ON YOUR MIND WAS HER.
WELL, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
OH, GOD, DON'T LIE TO ME.
I'VE LIVED WITH YOU FOR SEVEN YEARS.
I KNOW YOU.
SO MAYBE I DO FIND HER [ Shuddering .]
ATTRACTIVE.
WHAT ABOUT YOU? [ Scoffing .]
ME? THAT WAS YEARS AGO.
NOW WHO'S LYING? OH THE MINUTE SHE CAME ZOOMING BACK INTO YOUR LIFE, YOU COULDN'T WAIT TO JUMP ON THE BACK OF HER MOTORCYCLE.
ALL RIGHT.
SO SHE'S HOT.
SO WHAT? YOU KNOW, YOU TWO OUGHT TO HAVE SOMEONE SOUNDPROOF THE BOUDOIR.
YOU CAN HEAR EVERY WORD.
CHRIST! JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I'M SORRY FOR ANY GRIEF.
HEY, LE LEDA.
I I FEEL LIKE WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS FOR TOO LONG.
WE DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE LIKE THIS.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT'S BULLSHIT.
[ ?????? .]
?? SUCH A SWEET FACE ?? [ ?????? .]
?? BETTER MOVE FASTER BETTER MOVE FASTER ?? [ ?????? .]
?? SLEEP LIKE ?? ?? THE WINTER ?? [ ?????? .]
$1,200 FOR LUNCH? WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING IN CHICAGO? [ Ringing of remote phone .]
SAY HELLO TO OUR LATEST CLIENT, LEO BROWN.
Brown: [ On phone .]
Hello? MR.
BROWN? GARDNER VANCE.
I JUST WANTED TO WELCOME YOU ABOARD, SIR.
OH YES.
OH-HO-HO, HE HE HE CERTAINLY IS.
YES.
ABSOLUTELY.
I WILL, SIR.
THANK YOU.
HE SENDS HIS REGARDS.
UH, HOW I'VE BEEN AFTER HIM FOR YEARS.
HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT? DID MY HOMEWORK.
WELL, I SUPPOSE THIS CALLS FOR A COHIBA.
I THINK IT CALLS FOR MORE THAN THAT.
BROWN SIGNED A TWO-YEAR COMMITMENT BASED ON ONE CONTINGENCY.
WHAT'S THAT? HEY, SUNSHINE! COME CONGRATULATE ME.
YOUR PARTNER JUST MADE PARTNER.
OH, HEY, CAN YOU LOAN ME A 10? HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN.
THERE YOU GO.
Michael: LOOK WHO IT IS.
AH HIYA, STRANGER.
AH, THE FACE LOOKS FAMILIAR SHUT THE FUCK UP.
UNFORTUNATELY THE VOICE SOUNDS THE SAME.
WHEN DID YOU GET BACK? A FEW HOURS AGO.
WHERE'S JUSTIN? [ Chuckle .]
HE'S NOT HERE.
WHERE IS HE? I'VE GOT BIG NEWS.
HE WENT TO VERMONT.
[ Chuckle of disbelief .]
SNOWBOARDING.
AH ALONE? ALONE.
SO, UH, WHAT'S THE BIG NEWS? YEAH.
NOTHING.
[ Muffled club ?????? .]
[ Mixed chatter/laughter .]
?? OOH, LOVE ?? ?? OOH, LOVER BOY ?? ?? WHAT YOU DOING TONIGHT ?? ?? OOH, HEY, BOY ?? ?? SET MY ALARM TURN ON MY CHARMS ?? ?? THAT'S BECAUSE I'M A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED LOVER BOY ?? ?? OOH, LET ME FEEL YOUR HEARTBEAT ?? ?? GROW FASTER, FASTER ?? ?? OOH, CAN YOU FEEL MY LOVE HEAT ?? ?? COME ON AND SIT ON MY HOT SEAT OF LOVE ?? ?? TELL ME HOW DO YOU FEEL RIGHT AFTER ALL ?? ?? I'D LIKE FOR YOU AND I TO GO ROMANCING ?? ?? SAY THE WORD, YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND ?? ?? OOH, LOVE ?? ?? OOH, LOVER BOY ?? ?? WHAT YOU DOING TONIGHT ?? ?? OOH, HEY, BOY ?? ?? WRITE MY LETTER FEEL MUCH BETTER ?? ?? AND USE MY FANCY PATTER ON THE TELEPHONE ?? ?? WHEN I'M NOT WITH YOU ?? ?? THINK OF YOU ALWAYS ?? ?? I MISS THOSE LONG HOT SUMMER NIGHTS ?? ?? WHEN I'M NOT WITH YOU ?? ?? THINK OF ME ALWAYS ?? ?? I LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU ?? ?? HEY BOY, WHERE DID YOU GET IT FROM ?? ?? HEY BOY, WHERE DID YOU GO ?? ?? I LEARNED MY PASSION ?? ?? IN THE GOOD OLD-FASHIONED SCHOOL OF LOVER BOYS ?? [ ?????? .]
MOO! ?? DINING AT THE RITZ ?? ?? WE'LL MEET AT 9:00 ?? ?? ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR ?? ?? PRECISELY ?? ?? FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT ??
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? .]
[ Mixed chatter .]
I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU.
I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU ALL NIGHT LONG.
Man: I'M GONNA BE LATE, ALL RIGHT? [ Mixed chatter .]
DIDN'T YOU GET ENOUGH? NEVER ENOUGH.
WHY DON'T WE SAVE IT TILL THE WEEKEND? WHY DON'T WE SAVE IT TILL WE GET TO THE CAR? I WAS THINKING THAT WE COULD GO AWAY, JUST THE TWO OF US.
SNOWBOARDING.
COOL, EXCEPT THERE'S NO SNOW.
IN VERMONT.
DAPHNE WAS JUST THERE WITH HER BOYFRIEND.
SHE SAID IT WAS AMAZING.
THEY STAYED IN THIS AWE- SOME PLACE.
IT WAS A CONVERTED FARMHOUSE AND EVERY ROOM HAD A FIREPLACE AND A JACUZZI.
DID THEY HAVE THOSE LITTLE MINTS ON THE PILLOWS? I FORGOT, BRIAN KINNEY DOESN'T DO ROMANCE.
I DON'T NEED AN EXCUSE TO FUCK.
YOU ALSO DON'T NEED AN EXCUSE TO TURN ME DOWN.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST ADMIT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO AWAY WITH ME FOR THE WEEKEND? I DON'T WANT TO GO AWAY WITH YOU FOR THE WEEKEND.
WELL, AT LEAST IT'S OUT IN THE OPEN.
I WANT TO GO AWAY WITH YOU FOR THE WHOLE FUCKING WEEK.
RIGHT.
HEY, IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED, I CAN FIND SOMEBODY WHO IS.
A WEEK WITH ME IN VERMONT? JACUZZI, FIREPLACE? GUESS IT'S JUST THE TWO OF US.
ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU'RE OFF ON SPRING BREAK.
I'M ABOUT TO MAKE PARTNER, WHICH I'D SAY MORE THAN ENTITLES ME TO A WEEK OF SNOWBOARDING, AND FUCKING YOUR BRAINS OUT.
REALLY? DID YOU PUT GUS DOWN? Lindsay: YEP, HE'S ALL SNUGGLED UP IN HIS BED.
HMMM.
NOW IT'S MY TURN.
HMMM.
POOR BABY.
YOU LOOK EXHAUSTED.
SO DO YOU.
MMM.
ROLL OVER.
WHAT FOR? GO AHEAD.
COME ON.
[ Yelp .]
WHOO! FACE DOWN.
OOH, YES, SIR, MA'AM.
[ Giggling .]
AH, YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS.
[ Sigh of contentment .]
THAT'S IT.
THAT FEELS GOOD.
MMM.
LET ALL THE TENSION GO.
[ Opening of door .]
Leda: JUST FINISHED THE FLOORS.
THEY LOOK GREAT.
THAT'S NICE.
'NIGHT.
'NIGHT.
'NIGHT.
[ Sigh .]
MAYBE I SHOULD'VE GONE WITH THE HARDWOOD INSTEAD OF THE PINE.
DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.
JUST RELAX.
[ Sigh .]
[ Exhaling .]
[ Whispering .]
NOW ROLL OVER.
THIS IS A SPECIAL FORM OF MASSAGE [ Chuckling .]
CALLED FOREPLAY.
[ Rubbing of hands .]
OH, I'VE MISSED THIS.
MMM.
ME TOO.
GOD, YOU'RE SO HOT.
[ Stifled yawn .]
OH-H-H.
SO ARE YOU.
[ Sleepy murmurs .]
[ ?????? .]
YOU KNOW, THE GOOD THING ABOUT NOT BALANCING YOUR CHEQUE BOOK IS THAT WHEN YOU FINALLY DO, YOU GET TO RELIVE ALL YOUR PURCHASES.
YOU SEE OOH, THE PLEASURE VAULT.
ALL RIGHT.
LET ME SEE.
NO NO ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW, IN THE FUTURE, BALANCE BEFORE YOU BUY.
HOW MUCH IS IT GOING TO COST ME THIS TIME? UM, 50? UH, HM, CLOSER TO 80, IF I WANT TO TURN MY PHONE BACK ON.
TRY 100 IF YOU'D LIKE TO PAY HALF THE ELECTRIC.
SO IS HE AS GOOD AS HE LOOKS? AND SPARE US YOUR MONOSYLLABIC ANSWERS.
I WANT DETAILS.
UH, FIRST I MADE HIM WORSHIP MY COCK FOR AN HOUR.
THEN I LET HIM RIM ME FOR A GOOD AFTER THAT, I FUCKED HIM SO HARD HE PASSED OUT.
I'M SURPRISED HE'S UP AND WALKING AROUND.
OOH, CAN THE SEX TALK.
LESBIAN APPROACHING.
Michael: HMPH, ARE YOU KIDDING? MEL AND LINZ ARE A COUPLE OF SEX MACHINES.
THEY SOAK THE SHEETS.
HEY, I DON'T CARE TO DISCUSS MY PERSONAL LIFE WITH A BUNCH OF FOUL-MOUTHED FAGS.
[ Scoffing .]
Emmett: WELL! SOMEBODY'S ON THE RAG.
OR NOT GETTING ANY.
YOU SEE HOW MUCH YOU GET WHEN YOU HAVE A FAMILY TO SUPPORT, A KID TO RAISE AND A MAJOR RENOVATION GOING ON UNDER YOUR ROOF.
BUT, OF COURSE YOU NEVER WILL SINCE YOUR ONLY RESPONSIBILITY IS TO YOUR DICKS.
WHICH IS WHY I'M SMILING AND YOU'RE NOT.
Ted: SOUNDS TO ME LIKE A CASE OF L.
B.
D.
Emmett: ?? DUH-DUH-DUH ?? WHAT THE HELL'S THAT? LESBIAN BED DEATH.
YOU KNOW, FIRST IT DRIES UP, THEN IT SHRIVELS UP, THEN IT CLOSES UP, THEN IT DISAPPEARS.
HOW COME I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THIS? BECAUSE IT ONLY EXISTS IN THE MINDS OF CUNTY GAY MEN.
MEOW! Ted: DON'T WORRY, MEL, THEY'RE DOING RESEARCH.
NEW DEVELOPMENTS ARE EMERGING EVERY DAY.
THERE'S GOING TO BE A TELETHON.
YEAH, WE'RE ALL GOING TO WEAR LITTLE, UM, FUCHSIA RIBBONS ON OUR LAPELS.
All men: [ Laughing .]
Ted: SEE YOU, MEL.
Melanie: OH-H! HE WANTS TO SEE YOU RIGHT AWAY.
WHAT'S THE RUSH? HE'S BEEN ON THE PHONE ALL MORNING WITH HIS ATTORNEY.
THAT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING.
HE'S DIVORCING HIS WIFE? HE'S MAKING YOU PARTNER.
OH-H-H.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU SO EXCITED ABOUT? I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.
AND THE PARTNER'S ASSISTANT GETS TO BE A RAVING BITCH TO EVERYBODY.
HUH.
NOW GET IN THERE.
AND GOOD LUCK, PARTNER.
BRIAN.
WHAT'S UP? [ Sigh .]
BIG CHANGE COMING.
OH? I SOLD THE AGENCY.
WHAT? TO GARDNER VANCE.
HE'S BEEN ON MY TAIL FOR OVER A YEAR, FINALLY MADE ME AN OFFER I COULDN'T REFUSE.
[ Chuckling .]
[ Drumming on desk .]
NOW I CAN BUY THAT PLACE IN BERMUDA, RETIRE AND PLAY GOLF UNTIL I DROP.
POP! AH.
CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU.
WHAT ABOUT ME? HUH! YOU MADE ME A PROMISE.
IF WE HAD ANOTHER YEAR, YOU LOOK, I HAD NO CHOICE.
OKAY? I HAD TO SELL.
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A COMPANY WORTH BUYING WITHOUT ME.
I BROUGHT IN OVER A THIRD OF YOUR ACCOUNTS.
AND I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE THAT VANCE KNOWS ALL ABOUT THAT.
OKAY, LOOK, YOU ARE GOING TO BE HIS GUY.
HE NEEDS YOU.
I GIVE YOU MY WORD.
[ Scoffing .]
WELL, WITH THE MONEY TEDDY LOANED ME, MY NEW BALANCE SHOULD BE $147.
16.
SO WERE YOUR CALCULATIONS ACCURATE? JUST A SMIDGE OFF.
THIS SAYS I HAVE $10,000,147.
16.
HUH? HUH! OBVIOUSLY THAT'S A MISTAKE.
NOT NECESSARILY.
IT IS AN INTEREST- BEARING ACCOUNT.
[ Beeps of ATM .]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.
[ Rattle of printer .]
[ Chuckling .]
Leda: LESBIAN BED DEATH? WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT? Melanie: THERE MUST BE SOMETHING TO IT.
I MEAN, WE KNOW AT LEAST THREE OTHER COUPLES WHO HAVE STOPPED HAVING SEX.
EVERY COUPLE GOES THROUGH HOT AND COLD SPELLS.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN TOGETHER? SEVEN YEARS.
I'D CONSIDER YOURSELVES LUCKY.
LISTEN, I MAY NOT BE AN AUTHORITY ON LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS.
IN FACT, I MEAN, I TRY TO AVOID THEM; BUT I DO KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT SEX, AND I CAN TELL YOU THIS, YOUR BATTERY ISN'T DEAD, IT JUST NEEDS RECHARGING.
WHAT YOU NEED IS TO SHAKE THINGS UP.
DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT, BE SPONTANEOUS.
SPONTANEOUS.
Leda: YEAH.
A COUPLE OF FUCKABLE BABES LIKE YOU? [ Chuckling .]
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE ANY PROBLEM.
[ ?????? .]
I FOUND THIS GAY B & B FIVE MINUTES FROM SUGARBUSH.
[ Chuckling .]
SOUNDS SUSPI- CIOUSLY LESBIAN.
IT'S THE BEST SNOWBOARDING IN VERMONT.
UH-HUH? THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THAT WE'VE EVER GONE AWAY TOGETHER.
Ted: IS THAT SUCH A GOOD IDEA, WITH YOUR COMPANY BEING TAKEN OVER? THEY NEED ME MORE THAN I NEED THEM.
GUESS YOU'VE GOT BIGGER BALLS THAN I DO.
WAS IT EVER A QUESTION? WHAT'LL IT BE, BOYS? DRINKS ARE ON ME.
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO WITH THE 100 BUCKS I GAVE YOU? I, UH, WON'T BE NEEDING ANY FURTHER FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE.
[ Chuckling .]
SOMEBODY ACCIDENTALLY DEPOSITED $10,000,000 IN HIS ACCOUNT.
FUCK! I HOPE YOU DIDN'T TOUCH ANY OF IT.
JUST A MEASLY 300.
WHAT? DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE DONE? YOU COMMITTED BANK FRAUD.
THAT'S A FEDERAL OFFENCE.
OH OH MY GOD.
I WARNED YOU.
OH MY OH MY GOD.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? TOMORROW YOU'RE GOING TO GO BACK TO THE BANK, YOU'RE GOING TO RETURN EVERY CENT.
UH, DO YOU MIND IF I BORROW BACK THAT 100? THERE WAS THIS FABULOUS GUCCI BELT [ Chiming of elevator bell .]
[ Tapping on door .]
AH.
GARDNER VANCE.
BRIAN KINNEY.
SIT.
RYDER TELLS ME THAT YOU'RE THE BEST ACCOUNT EXEC HE'S GOT.
HE'S RIGHT.
THIS IS WHY I FIRED EVERYONE ELSE.
I'VE ALWAYS HATED THOSE LONG LINES AT THE WATER COOLER.
HE ALSO TELLS ME THAT YOU ARE ARROGANT, WILLFUL AND, UM INSUBORDINATE.
I'LL TRY MY BEST TO LIVE UP TO MY REPUTATION.
WHY DON'T YOU START BY TELLING ME WHY I SHOULDN'T FIRE YOU TOO? UH, FOR ONE THING, I KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS COMPANY THAN YOU DO.
FOR ANOTHER, I HAVE THE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE CLIENTS.
IF I GO, THEY GO.
AND FINALLY, WE BOTH KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO GET MORE OUT OF ME THAN SOME TALENTLESS TOADY YOU BRING IN FOR HALF THE PRICE.
BEFORE I ACQUIRED THIS FIRM, I LEARNED EVERY- THING ABOUT IT.
EVERYTHING.
I ALSO CONTACTED EVERY ONE OF YOUR CLIENTS, AND THEY AGREED TO STAY, WITH OR WITHOUT YOU.
WITH REGARD TO MY HIRING SOME "TOADY", AT LEAST, THEY GIVE ME THE ONE THING I DOUBT YOU EVER WILL, THEIR LOYALTY.
SO ARE THERE ANY OTHER REASONS WHY I SHOULDN'T FIRE YOU TOO? I CAN'T THINK OF ONE.
YOU'VE GOT A WEEK.
PROVE TO ME THAT YOU'RE WORTH IT.
THAT LONG? OH, BY THE WAY, RUMOUR HAS IT THAT YOU'RE GAY.
THE RUMOUR'S RIGHT.
BUT UNLESS I'M FUCKING YOU, IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
THERE'S BEEN A SLIGHT MISUN- DERSTANDING.
V-VERY SLIGHT.
TINY.
ITSY- BITSY-WEENSY.
YEAH.
I-IT SEEMS MR.
HONEYCUTT INADVERTENTLY, UH, WITHDREW FUNDS THAT DIDN'T BELONG TO HIM.
BUT, UH, HERE'S THE MONEY, ALL CRISP AND NEW.
IT'S LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED.
HAVE A NICE DAY.
WAIT RIGHT THERE.
OH MY GOD.
THEY'RE GOING TO ARREST ME.
ALL RIGHT, JUST CALM DOWN.
WHAT AM I YOU'RE GOING GOING TO DO? TO PLAY DUMB.
I CAN DO THAT.
YOU'RE GOING TO SAY YOU WITHDREW THE MONEY, NEVER REALIZING IT WASN'T YOURS, WHICH IS WHY YOU'VE COME TO RETURN IT.
TH-THAT'S PERFECT.
THAT'S PERFECT.
THEY'RE SURE TO BELIEVE ME.
BUT IF THEY DON'T, TRY FOR A CELL WITH SOUTHERN EXPOSURE.
Man: WHICH ONE OF YOU IS MR.
HONEYCUTT? I-I-I-I-I HE IS.
PLEASE COME WITH ME.
[ Gulping .]
I DID IT.
I STOLE THE MONEY.
I'M GUILTY.
[ Whimpering .]
I'M SO, SO SORRY.
[ Sobbing .]
IT WAS A MISTAKE.
Man: OH, IT WAS NO MISTAKE.
[ Sobbing .]
THE MONEY WAS CORRECTLY DEPOSITED INTO YOUR ACCOUNT, ALL $10,000,000 OF IT.
I I NEED TO, UH, CONSULT WITH MY ACCOUNTANT.
WHAT EXACTLY DID HE MEAN BY THAT? ALL RIGHT.
WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU MEAN BY THAT? THE MONEY WAS LEFT TO YOU BY GEORGE SCHICKEL.
G-GEORGE? HE ALSO WANTED YOU TO HAVE THIS.
FIND ANYTHING? GARDNER VANCE, 41, GRADUATED HARVARD BUSINESS SCHOOL, STARTED AS A COPYWRITER FOR D.
B.
D.
& O.
IN NEW YORK, THEN JUNIOR AD EXEC AT I.
& R.
IN CHICAGO, PARTNER AT W.
J.
IN L.
A.
WHAT ABOUT YOU? WHAT DID YOU FIND? UH, MOSTLY THE SAME AS YOU, PLUS A FEATURE ARTICLE THEY DID ON HIM IN ONE OF THE CHICAGO PAPERS.
DIVORCED TWICE.
BOXING FANATIC.
WOW! STRAIGHT GUYS.
WELL, THERE'S AN INTERESTING QUOTE THOUGH.
I CIRCLED IT.
"WHEN ASKED IF THERE WAS AN ACCOUNT HE'D NEVER BEEN ABLE TO LAND, VANCE SAID, 'YEAH BROWN ATHLETICS.
'" WHERE ARE YOU GOING? TO SEE A FEW OF MY HOTTEST TRICKS.
YOU'RE GOING TO THE BATHS NOW? YOU'RE GOING TO FUCK US BOTH OUT OF A JOB.
THIS IS THE FILTHIEST THE SLEAZIEST, THE MOST DISGUST- ING MOTEL ROOM I'VE EVER SEEN.
YOU WERE EXPECTING THE RITZ-CARLTON? UH-HUH.
WHAT? HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? HOME.
BUT WE JUST WALKED IN.
AND NOW WE'RE JUST WALKING OUT.
BUT WE ALREADY PAID.
BY THE HOUR.
WHAT KIND OF MOTEL HAS HOURLY RATES? [ Sigh .]
THE KIND WHERE YOU SNEAK AWAY FOR A QUICKIE WITH SOME CHICKIE, AND HOPE YOUR WIFE DOESN'T FIND OUT.
[ Groaning .]
[ Sigh .]
TAKE OFF YOUR COAT.
STAY A WHILE.
[ Moaning .]
GOD.
BUT THERE ARE STAINS ON THE BEDSPREAD.
AND HOLES IN THE CARPET AND IT SMELLS.
WHEW! I KNOW.
SLEAZY.
SEXY.
SPONTANEOUS.
[ Chuckling .]
CAN'T WE BE SPONTANEOUS SOME SOME PLACE ELSE LIKE WHERE THEY CHANGE THE SHEETS, AND HAVE ROOM SERVICE? THIS SAYS THEY HAVE A COMPLETE LINE OF SEX TOYS, INCLUDING 31 FLAVOURS OF LUBRICANT AT THE FRONT DESK.
[ Giggling .]
TAKE YOUR PICK.
Both: [ Chuckling .]
OH GOD.
[ Sighing .]
COME ON.
Both: [ Moaning .]
THAT'S A GOOD GIRL.
[ Distant pounding .]
[ Muffled shouts of ecstasy .]
JESUS CHRIST! I-I GOTTA CALL THE MANAGER.
IT'S NOT THE RITZ-CARLTON.
WHY DON'T WE PUT THE TV ON? MAYBE IT'LL DROWN THEM OUT.
Melanie: WHAT ELSE IS ON? UGH-H.
Girl: [ On TV .]
OH NO, IT'S NOT THOSE THINGS AREN'T REAL, ARE THEY? Girl: [ On TV .]
I THINK MINE ARE BIGGER.
I HOPE NOT.
[ Chatter of TV .]
INVENTED IN BEIJING, AS THE CHINESE OH-H-H! IT'S MY FAVOURITE COOKING SHOW.
HE'S PREPARING MANDARIN DUCK.
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW HOW TO MAKE THAT.
THIS IS AN AIR PUMP, IT'S ACTUALLY GOING TO PUMP AIR INTO IT, SEPARATES THE SKIN FROM THE MEAT.
THANKS.
AND THAT'S THE SECRET OF RENDERING OFF THE FAT.
ONCE IT'S SEPARATED HEY, EMMETT.
HI, GEORGE.
George: I MISS YOU.
I MISS YOU TOO.
George: NOW YOU MUSTN'T CRY.
I'LL TRY NOT TO.
LET ME SEE YOU SMILE NOW.
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN.
EMMETT, NOW COME ON.
YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.
George: THAT'S BETTER.
WELL, DID YOU RECEIVE MY LITTLE GIFT? "LITTLE"? GOD, I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
NEITHER COULD WE.
George: SEE, YOU YOU ALWAYS SAY "FUCK 'EM ALL.
" WELL, TO DO THAT YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE "FUCK 'EM ALL" MONEY.
W-W-WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT? George: WHATEVER YOU WANT.
WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY.
Y-YOU MADE ME HAPPY.
George: YOU TOO.
MORE THAN YOU'LL KNOW.
CLEAR INDICATION.
George: WELL, I I GUESS THIS IS IT.
YOU'RE OFF ON YOUR ADVENTURE I'M OFF ON MINE.
[ ?????? .]
Brian: I NEED THESE IN THREE HOURS.
I'M NOT FOTOMAT.
I'LL TRY.
[ ?????? .]
THAT'S GOOD.
[ ?????? .]
DIP IN HERE.
[ ?????? .]
THANK YOU.
[ ?????? .]
GOOD.
[ ?????? .]
BEAUTIFUL.
GOOD.
GOOD.
[ ?????? .]
Photographer: YEAH, GOOD GOT YOUR AIRLINE TICKET.
BUT I DON'T THINK YOU'LL BE NEEDING IT.
I CALLED BROWN'S OFFICE.
THEY SAID HE DOESN'T ACCEPT UNSOLICITED PICTURES.
Photographer: TURN AROUND YEAH, YEAH.
GOOD.
DO YOU WANT ME TO CANCEL? [ ?????? .]
Emmett: TA-DA.
OH-H-H, EMMETT! OH-HO-HO, YOU CAN'T DO THIS.
[ Chuckling .]
Melanie: OH, GOD! PEOPLE DON'T GET THEIR FRIENDS A CAR.
UNLESS YOU'RE A GAME SHOW HOST.
OH, IT'S NOT JUST A CAR.
IT'S A SUBARU SUV.
OH-H-H! [ Squealing .]
I READ IN A RECENT SURVEY, IT'S THE NUMBER ONE CHOICE AMONG LESBIANS.
I'M SURE MR.
SUBARU WOULD BE THRILLED.
All: [ Chuckling .]
UM JUSTIN, THIS IS FOR YOU.
A TRIP TO ITALY? YEAH.
[ Chuckling .]
GEORGE AND I WERE PLANNING BUT NEVER MIND.
YOU'RE GOING, AS ARTISTS HAVE FOR CENTURIES, TO THE ETERNAL CITY, TO FLORENCE, TO VENICE.
IT IS THERE THAT YOU WILL DISCOVER YOUR SOUL.
Ted: AND SEE LOTS OF STATUES OF NAKED MEN TOO.
Justin: THANKS, EM.
[ Chatter/laughter .]
AND, UM, WHEN YOU AND BRIAN ARE IN MILAN, HE CAN USE THIS.
IT'S A GIFT CERTIFICATE TO, UH, ARMANI FOR THE FALL COLLECTION.
OH, HE'LL LOVE A NEW SUIT.
THE ENTIRE COLLECTION.
[ Chuckling .]
HE'LL NEVER WONDER WHAT TO WEAR AGAIN.
[ Laughter .]
AND, DEBBIE, FOR YOU.
OH SHIT, YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CRY.
NO.
MMMM.
Justin: OH MY GOD.
Michael OH, MA.
OH NO, EMMETT, NO.
I COULDN'T.
YEAH! NOW WHEN YOU ARE SLINGING THAT HASH, EVERYONE WILL THINK YOU'RE A PRINCESS.
[ Chuckle .]
THANK YOU.
MICHAEL.
[ Chuckling .]
Michael: JESUS, EM HE PAID THE MORTGAGE ON ON MY COMIC BOOK STORE FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS.
Debbie: OH, HONEY.
YOU JUST CHANGED MY LIFE.
[ Laughter .]
Ted: OH.
GUESS THERE'S NOTHING IN THE BAG FOR ME.
HMMMM.
[ Mumbling .]
OH-OH! All: AH-H-H! WELL, THE ONE PRESENT I REALLY WANTED TO GET YOU, I COULDN'T: SOMEONE WONDERFUL TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH.
AH WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS A GOLDEN RETRIEVER.
[ Chuckling .]
[ Voice breaking .]
LIFETIME ORCHESTRA SEAT AT THE OPERA.
TWO LIFE- TIME SEATS, 'CAUSE I KNOW YOU'LL FIND THAT SOMEONE.
THANK YOU Melanie: OH, OH Ted: [ Chuckle .]
Melanie: WHAT ABOUT YOUR- SELF, EMMETT? I HOPE YOU GOT YOURSELF SOMETHING.
OH, NO.
NO.
IT'S MUCH BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE.
HUH EXCEPT IN BED.
[ Laughter .]
HOWEVER THERE WAS A LITTLE SOMETHING THAT DID CATCH MY EYE.
[ Giggling .]
Melanie: HERE WE GO.
Ted: NOW I START TO WORRY.
GEORGE WANTED IT TO BE "FUCK 'EM ALL" MONEY.
[ Mixed squealing .]
WELL, GEORGIE, THEY'LL HEAR ME IN THIS.
[ Chuckle of triumph .]
[ Mixed comments .]
[ ?????? .]
Both: [ Startled gasps .]
HEY! I WAS JUST ON MY WAY TO THE KITCHEN TO MAKE MYSELF A SANDWICH.
COME SHARE MINE.
COME ON.
I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO BE HERE.
I FIGURED YOU'D BE OUT PAINTING THE TOWN RED OR WHATEVER COLOUR THEY PAINT TOWNS THESE DAYS.
ALL THE HOT GALS ARE HOME WITH THEIR WIVES, GETTING IT ON.
HOW ABOUT YOU GUYS? WE TRIED GOING TO A MOTEL.
NO SHIT! DID THEY HEAR YOU SCREAMING THROUGH THE WALLS? THAT WAS SOMEONE ELSE.
[ Nervous giggle .]
WE WERE THE ONES WATCHING THE COOKING SHOW.
WELL, IF I'D BEEN THERE, I'D HAVE PINNED YOU BOTH TO THE BED AND DONE THE DOZEN-DOZEN, DIFFERENT POSITIONS.
[ Choking .]
YOU OKAY? JUST WENT DOWN THE WRONG WAY.
CHRIST, YOU'RE TIGHT.
HONEY, YOU NEED TO LOOSEN UP.
LIE DOWN.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO, NO.
IT'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY.
NO, NO, I'M JUST GOING TO RUB YOUR SHOULDERS.
YEAH.
MM-HMM.
COME ON.
COME ON.
I'LL GET ALL THE STRESS WORKED OUT, UM AND THEN YOU AND THE MISSUS CAN SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST.
MMM, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED? SHIATSU.
HMM.
MM-HMM, OR EVEN BETTER TANTRIC.
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DEEP RECTAL MASSAGE? NOT RECENTLY.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH TENSION PEOPLE CARRY IN THEIR SPHINCTERS.
[ Chuckling .]
[ Giggling .]
Leda & Lindsay: [ Chuckling .]
SHHH.
[ Laughing .]
Justin: EMMETT GOT EVERYONE THE COOLEST STUFF.
HE GOT CARS, TRIPS.
HE EVEN GAVE DEBBIE A DIAMOND BRACELET.
I REALLY HAVE TO HAND IT TO HIM.
HE MUST HAVE GIVEN GEORGE ONE HELL OF A BLOW JOB.
HAVE YOU SEEN MY PRADA TIE? FUCK THE TIE.
HE GOT YOU THE ENTIRE ARMANI FALL COLLECTION.
YEAH WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO WEAR UNTIL THEN? HE GOT ME A TRIP TO ITALY.
TO SEE ALL THE MASTERS.
YEAH, I HEARD THEY HAVE A BIG S & M SCENE THERE.
WHY ARE YOU BRINGING A TIE TO GO SNOWBOARDING? UH, I'M NOT GOING SNOWBOARDING.
I'M GOING TO CHICAGO.
CHICAGO? WHAT THE HELL'S IN CHICAGO? MY NEW ACCOUNT.
BUT WE'RE GOING TO VERMONT TOMORROW.
SOME OTHER TIME.
COME ON, YOU PROMISED.
IT'S BUSINESS.
FUCK BUSINESS.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHO YOU'RE FUCKING.
IT'S BUSINESS.
IT'S MY BUSINESS.
IT PAYS FOR THIS LOFT.
IT PAYS FOR SNOWBOARDING IN VERMONT.
IT PAYS FOR THE PITTSBURGH INSTITUTE OF FINE ARTS.
NOW, IF I DON'T GET ON THAT PLANE, I'M GOING TO BE COLLECTING UNEMPLOYMENT IN MY FUCKING ARMANI FALL COLLECTION.
HEY, SWEETS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? LOOKS GREAT.
LINDSAY'S ALL HEPPED TOO.
YOU'VE DONE AN AMAZING JOB.
HMM, THANKS.
WHOA, CAREFUL.
[ Clearing of throat .]
SHE AND I ARE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL.
ANYTHING FOR YOU GUYS, YOU KNOW THAT.
BUT YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT FAIR ASKING YOU TO DO ALL THIS BY YOURSELF.
I'M LOVING IT.
NO.
REALLY, I MEAN, IT'S TOO BIG A JOB.
W-WE CAN FIND A CARPENTER OR A HANDYMAN TO COME IN AND FINISH IT UP.
SUGAR, THERE'S NO HANDYMAN OR WOMAN HANDIER THAN ME.
I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR HANDIWORK.
LIKE THE JOB YOU WERE DOING ON LINDSAY LAST NIGHT.
THAT WAS JUST A FRIENDLY LITTLE MASSAGE.
[ Scoffing .]
OH WELL IT LOOKED MORE THAN A LITTLE FRIENDLY TO ME.
JESUS, WHAT'S WITH THE JEALOUS WIFE ROUTINE? I MASSAGE HER AND SHE FUCKING FALLS ASLEEP.
YOU RUB HER AND SHE PURRS.
OH, SO NOW I'M TO BLAME FOR YOUR LESBIAN BED DEATH.
ALL I KNOW IS EVERYTHING WAS FINE BEFORE YOU MOVED IN.
WHO THE HELL INVITED ME? I DID.
AND NOW I'M ASKING YOU TO LEAVE.
YOU WANT SOME? NOT HUNGRY.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO? STARVE YOURSELF TO DEATH? HUH, YOU SOUND JUST LIKE DEB.
I WONDER HOW THAT HAPPENED.
COME ON.
EAT.
YOU WANT TO HEAR MY SECRET FANTASY? I DON'T GENERALLY LIKE DISCUSSING KINK ON AN EMPTY STOMACH.
TO SEE RAGE ON A CEREAL BOX, PREFERABLY FROOT LOOPS.
A LITTLE ACTION FIGURE INSIDE.
COLLECT ALL THREE.
COULD HAPPEN.
ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE.
EXCEPT BRIAN AND I ACTUALLY SPENDING ANY TIME TOGETHER.
I'M SURE HE WOULD HAVE RATHER GONE WITH YOU.
HE HAD NO CHOICE.
DO YOU ALWAYS DEFEND HIM? LOOK, IF HE DOESN'T MAKE IT NOW, HE NEVER WILL.
HE'S ALREADY MADE IT.
HE HAS MONEY, SUCCESS, A KILLER LOFT.
WHAT ELSE DOES HE WANT? TO BE THE BEST.
IF HE GETS THIS ACCOUNT, HE'LL BE A STAR.
AND IF HE DOESN'T, HE'S OUT OF A JOB.
IT WON'T BE THAT EASY STARTING OVER AT A NEW FIRM.
YOU KNOW, WITH ALL ALL THESE NEW GUYS, YOUNGER GUYS, COMING UP ALL THE TIME.
SO WHAT ABOUT ME? WHERE DO I FIT IN? I DON'T WANT TO WAIT.
I WANT A BOYFRIEND WHO ONLY WANTS TO BE WITH ME, WHO WANTS TO STAY HOME EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
WHO AT LEAST GETS JEALOUS WHEN SOME OTHER GUY'S SUCKING MY DICK RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM.
THAT'S NOT BRIAN.
IT NEVER WILL BE.
I'M SORRY, MR.
KINNEY, BUT WE LEFT WORD WITH YOUR ASSISTANT THAT MR.
BROWN WASN'T INTERESTED IN MEETING WITH YOU.
TELL HIM I FLEW ALL THE WAY FROM PITTSBURGH JUST TO SEE HIM.
UNFORTUNATELY, HE'S IN A CLOSED- DOOR MEETING AND CAN'T BE DISTURBED.
I'LL WAIT.
HIS DAY IS BOOKED SOLID.
YOU KNOW, I'M SURE IF HE SAW MY PRESENTATION LOOK, I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.
NO.
YOU'RE WASTING HIS TIME.
BECAUSE THE SOONER YOU GET ME IN TO SEE HIM, THE SOONER I CAN SHOW HIM THESE.
INTERESTING.
I CAN SEE YOU'RE IMPRESSED.
MAYBE YOU'D LIKE A COPY FOR YOURSELF.
[ ?????? .]
MR.
BROWN UH EATS LUNCH HARVARD CLUB.
[ Grunting .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Mixed chatter .]
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? BRIAN KINNEY, VANGARD ADVERTISING.
YOUR ASSISTANT SAID I'D FIND YOU HERE.
I TOLD HIM TO TELL YOU I WASN'T INTERESTED.
REALLY.
WONDER WHAT GOT INTO HIM.
HERMAN, WILL YOU KINDLY SHOW THIS GENTLEMAN OUT? HERMAN, WOULD YOU KINDLY BRING US A BOTTLE OF DOM? ON VANGARD, OF COURSE.
WE'RE CELEBRATING, BROWN ATHLETICS' NEW AD CAMPAIGN.
[ Opening of case .]
IF YOU'RE HERE TO CONVINCE ME TO BE MORE HIP, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.
I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'LL MAKE A PAIR OF SNEAKERS THAT LIGHT UP WHEN YOU BOUNCE.
LEAVE TRENDINESS TO THE OTHER GUYS.
WHAT YOU SELL IS GOOD OLD AMERICAN TRADITION, BUT YOU NEED SOMETHING WITH MORE HEAT.
YOUNG MAN, THERE IS NO HEAT IN BASEBALL CAPS AND WINDBREAKERS.
YOU'RE RIGHT, THERE'S NOT.
BUT IT'S MY JOB TO MAKE PEOPLE THINK THAT THERE IS.
"THE ONE THING TO WEAR".
WE RUN THESE IN ALL THE TOP-END MAGAZINES.
"VANITY FAIR", "ESQUIRE" "GQ".
WE APPEAL TO WOMEN BECAUSE THEY DO MOST OF THE SPENDING, AND TO THE NEW GAY MARKET.
HERMAN, WOULD YOU BRING ME A STEAK, MEDIUM-RARE? YES, SIR.
Debbie: NOTICE HOW I CALL ATTENTION TO IT WITHOUT CALLING ATTENTION TO IT? IT'S CALLED CLASS.
GOT ANY ICE? WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS? FOR MY WATER! [ Chuckling .]
COMIN' RIGHT UP.
HEY, MR.
MONEYBAGS.
WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU? A DOUGHNUT, PLEASE.
YOU GOT IT.
BEEN SHOPPING? OF COURSE HE HAS.
WHAT ELSE DOES A FAGGOT OF LEISURE HAVE TO DO ALL DAY EXCEPT SHOP? TOO MANY PEOPLE, TOO TIRING, TOO COLD.
AND COMPLAIN? [ Chuckling .]
WELL, THERE WERE A FEW INTERESTING SALES, BUT, UM, BUT THEN I REALIZED I DON'T NEED TO BUY ON SALE ANY MORE AND IT ALL SUDDENLY SEEMED SO EMPTY.
Ted & Michael: [ Chuckling .]
ONE QUEER DOUGHNUT ON THE HOUSE.
THANKS, DEB.
SO I, UH, I BEGAN TO THINK.
ALWAYS A DANGEROUS SIGN.
I'VE INHERITED, YOU KNOW, MORE THAN, UH, VAST SUMS OF MONEY.
I-I'VE INHERITED RESPONSIBILITY.
I MEAN, I-I-I BOUGHT PRESENTS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR THE ONE PERSON WHO MADE IT POSSIBLE.
GEORGE.
EM, GEORGE IS DEAD.
I KNOW.
I MEAN, I KNOW I CAN'T BUY HIM, YOU KNOW, A CAR OR A WATCH, BUT, UH I CAN HONOUR HIS MEMORY.
WELL, HE'S ALREADY GOT LOTS OF THINGS TO HONOUR HIS MEMORY.
A CONCERT HALL.
AND A PICKLE.
I WAS THINKING, UH, MORE ALONG THE LINES OF THE GEORGE SCHICKEL HOME FOR GAY AND LESBIAN YOUTH.
GEORGE SURE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING WHEN HE GAVE THAT MONEY TO YOU, HONEY.
HELLO.
GET YOU ANYTHING? EMMETT HONEYCUTT? I'M EMMETT HONEYCUTT, BUT I'M NOT ON THE MENU.
THIS IS FOR YOU.
WHAT IS IT? SOMETHING ABOUT THE SCHICKEL ESTATE.
LET ME SEE THAT.
YADA-YADA "TO INFORM YOU THAT YADA-YADA YADA-YADA WHAT? Ted: [ Clearing of throat .]
THE SCHICKEL FAMILY IS CONTESTING EMMETT'S INHERITANCE.
BUT THEY CAN'T DO THAT.
HE HE LEFT IT TO ME.
WELL, APPARENTLY THEY THINK HE SHOULD'VE LEFT IT TO THEM.
THEY'VE FROZEN YOUR ACCOUNT.
WELL, WH-WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? IT MEANS MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE PASSED UP THOSE SALES QUITE SO QUICKLY.
YOU TOLD HER TO LEAVE WITHOUT EVEN ASKING ME? YOU NEVER WANTED HER HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
WELL, I LIKE THAT SHE'S HERE NOW.
I BET YOU DO.
SHE'S DOING AN AMAZING JOB.
AND NOT JUST IN THE ATTIC.
EXCUSE ME? ALL THIS TIME I'M THINKING THE REASON THAT WE'RE NOT FEELING VERY SEXUAL IS BECAUSE WE'RE TOO TIRED, UH, THAT WE HAVE TOO MUCH ON OUR MINDS.
I DIDN'T REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE ON YOUR MIND WAS HER.
WELL, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
OH, GOD, DON'T LIE TO ME.
I'VE LIVED WITH YOU FOR SEVEN YEARS.
I KNOW YOU.
SO MAYBE I DO FIND HER [ Shuddering .]
ATTRACTIVE.
WHAT ABOUT YOU? [ Scoffing .]
ME? THAT WAS YEARS AGO.
NOW WHO'S LYING? OH THE MINUTE SHE CAME ZOOMING BACK INTO YOUR LIFE, YOU COULDN'T WAIT TO JUMP ON THE BACK OF HER MOTORCYCLE.
ALL RIGHT.
SO SHE'S HOT.
SO WHAT? YOU KNOW, YOU TWO OUGHT TO HAVE SOMEONE SOUNDPROOF THE BOUDOIR.
YOU CAN HEAR EVERY WORD.
CHRIST! JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I'M SORRY FOR ANY GRIEF.
HEY, LE LEDA.
I I FEEL LIKE WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS FOR TOO LONG.
WE DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE LIKE THIS.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT'S BULLSHIT.
[ ?????? .]
?? SUCH A SWEET FACE ?? [ ?????? .]
?? BETTER MOVE FASTER BETTER MOVE FASTER ?? [ ?????? .]
?? SLEEP LIKE ?? ?? THE WINTER ?? [ ?????? .]
$1,200 FOR LUNCH? WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING IN CHICAGO? [ Ringing of remote phone .]
SAY HELLO TO OUR LATEST CLIENT, LEO BROWN.
Brown: [ On phone .]
Hello? MR.
BROWN? GARDNER VANCE.
I JUST WANTED TO WELCOME YOU ABOARD, SIR.
OH YES.
OH-HO-HO, HE HE HE CERTAINLY IS.
YES.
ABSOLUTELY.
I WILL, SIR.
THANK YOU.
HE SENDS HIS REGARDS.
UH, HOW I'VE BEEN AFTER HIM FOR YEARS.
HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT? DID MY HOMEWORK.
WELL, I SUPPOSE THIS CALLS FOR A COHIBA.
I THINK IT CALLS FOR MORE THAN THAT.
BROWN SIGNED A TWO-YEAR COMMITMENT BASED ON ONE CONTINGENCY.
WHAT'S THAT? HEY, SUNSHINE! COME CONGRATULATE ME.
YOUR PARTNER JUST MADE PARTNER.
OH, HEY, CAN YOU LOAN ME A 10? HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN.
THERE YOU GO.
Michael: LOOK WHO IT IS.
AH HIYA, STRANGER.
AH, THE FACE LOOKS FAMILIAR SHUT THE FUCK UP.
UNFORTUNATELY THE VOICE SOUNDS THE SAME.
WHEN DID YOU GET BACK? A FEW HOURS AGO.
WHERE'S JUSTIN? [ Chuckle .]
HE'S NOT HERE.
WHERE IS HE? I'VE GOT BIG NEWS.
HE WENT TO VERMONT.
[ Chuckle of disbelief .]
SNOWBOARDING.
AH ALONE? ALONE.
SO, UH, WHAT'S THE BIG NEWS? YEAH.
NOTHING.
[ Muffled club ?????? .]
[ Mixed chatter/laughter .]
?? OOH, LOVE ?? ?? OOH, LOVER BOY ?? ?? WHAT YOU DOING TONIGHT ?? ?? OOH, HEY, BOY ?? ?? SET MY ALARM TURN ON MY CHARMS ?? ?? THAT'S BECAUSE I'M A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED LOVER BOY ?? ?? OOH, LET ME FEEL YOUR HEARTBEAT ?? ?? GROW FASTER, FASTER ?? ?? OOH, CAN YOU FEEL MY LOVE HEAT ?? ?? COME ON AND SIT ON MY HOT SEAT OF LOVE ?? ?? TELL ME HOW DO YOU FEEL RIGHT AFTER ALL ?? ?? I'D LIKE FOR YOU AND I TO GO ROMANCING ?? ?? SAY THE WORD, YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND ?? ?? OOH, LOVE ?? ?? OOH, LOVER BOY ?? ?? WHAT YOU DOING TONIGHT ?? ?? OOH, HEY, BOY ?? ?? WRITE MY LETTER FEEL MUCH BETTER ?? ?? AND USE MY FANCY PATTER ON THE TELEPHONE ?? ?? WHEN I'M NOT WITH YOU ?? ?? THINK OF YOU ALWAYS ?? ?? I MISS THOSE LONG HOT SUMMER NIGHTS ?? ?? WHEN I'M NOT WITH YOU ?? ?? THINK OF ME ALWAYS ?? ?? I LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU ?? ?? HEY BOY, WHERE DID YOU GET IT FROM ?? ?? HEY BOY, WHERE DID YOU GO ?? ?? I LEARNED MY PASSION ?? ?? IN THE GOOD OLD-FASHIONED SCHOOL OF LOVER BOYS ?? [ ?????? .]
MOO! ?? DINING AT THE RITZ ?? ?? WE'LL MEET AT 9:00 ?? ?? ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR ?? ?? PRECISELY ?? ?? FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT ??