Queer as Folk s04e10 Episode Script
The Snake in Paradise
One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Shake it, dude.
Cue the pulse to begin Cue the pulse to begin Cue the pulse to begin Cue the pulse to begin Relax and count backwards from 10, Mr.
Kinney.
Brian? Don't say anything.
Look, I'm sure it's just a temporary malfunction.
It takes time for your body to heal itself and for you to regain your strength.
Be patient.
Everything will be up and running in no time.
Thanks for not saying anything.
I want to get those cool pumas and a pair of diesel jeans, maybe two.
Hey, hey.
What do you think I am, made of money? Like, yeah.
You're having a movie made.
We hope.
And I didn't work my ass off so I could put expensive jeans on yours.
Ben, I want to get a couple pairs of diesel jeans.
Pull up your pants.
I can see your shorts.
That's the fucking point.
We're taking Hunter to buy some new clothes.
And have pizza and go to a movie.
Not a Brett Keller movie.
So, tomorrow night? The mall? The three of us? Uh, sure.
Fine.
Ah, must be Mark Bluestein.
He has the flu.
I said I'd cover his class.
Hello? Hey.
Uh-huh.
Sure.
Uh, breakfast, lunch, whatever.
Yeah, see you then.
For somebody who's laid up with the flu, he has a pretty healthy appetite.
Uh, yeah, that wasn't Mark.
It was Anthony, from the library.
You remember, I told you about him? Yeah, how could I forget? He only calls you every hour.
That's not true.
Maybe he has a crush on you.
That's not true either.
He's just a nice kid who wants to be a writer.
We get together and discuss books, that's all.
So, tomorrow night.
Pizza, a movie and diesel jeans.
Tight.
Yeah, you mean, "loose".
Oh, touchdown.
My, how the boy can score.
I've got a good kicker.
I'll say.
That's a quarterback's secret weapon.
Speaking of secrets does your fiancée know? Know what? That you're mm? That I'M? Do I really have to say it? That you're, uh, the "h" word.
Hard-bodied? Hot? Hung? Yeah, she knows all that.
I meant, uh, homosexual.
Gay.
Queer.
Hey, I'm not a fag.
Did I use that word? A fag is a sissy, girl, pansy.
You think Im that? Hardly.
A fag can't even throw a ball.
Do you know how far I can throw? I reckon a country mile.
I'm a hero, to millions.
Name one fag who's a hero.
Name one fag who's got a call from the president saying, "great game.
" Name one fag that's fucked every Dallas cheerleader, and I don't even play for Dallas.
Name one fag every kid wants to grow up to be.
Harvey Fierstein? So why would anyone think I was a fag? Maybe because you had your dick up my ass? So I like to fuck guys.
Doesn't mean that I love them, or want to kiss them, or even know them.
This is just for fun.
To get off.
And no one's to ever hear about this.
Understand? Who'd believe me if I told them? Next week, an enormous 250-foot mural of yours will be unveiled at Penn Plaza.
Tomorrow, an exhibition of your drawings opens here, at the Sidney Bloom Gallery.
Tell me, Mr.
Auerbach, why did you choose Pittsburgh? Well, unless you're a Pirates fan, there's not a goddamn reason to come here.
Now there will be.
That's perfect.
I've heard your ego is as big as your mural.
I hope I haven't let you down.
I mean I hope this bagel-deprived burg feels the same way when they see my work.
I think that's all we need.
That's good.
That was great.
Thank you.
Any time, honey.
How was I? Okay.
I guess.
I wasn't really listening.
I was working.
I'm glad I didn't distract you.
Not at all.
You know, I have this strange feeling that I'm being ignored.
Strange, because, I mean, lets let's face it, I'm not used to being ignored.
In fact, I think the last time it happened, I was 14.
Suzie Schroeder was her name.
She ditched me at a Tastee Freeze for a guy with a triple scoop.
Broke my heart.
Well, you needn't worry.
I haven't been to a Tastee Freeze in years.
So why don't you go over and flirt with that nice girl reporter, and leave me to my work? Harvey, when have I ever let you down? Are you fucking kidding me? Name one time.
The time I asked you out on a date, and you said, "thanks, but no.
" Okay, name a second.
Oh, Jesus, Brian, I was one of your first clients.
Just because you're a big shot now Hold on.
Mr.
DeCarlo, sorry to keep you.
When is that campaign going to be ready? We're right on schedule.
How does it look? It looks great.
I need it for the next stock-holder's meeting.
When? Friday, 3:00 o'clock, or they'll have my balls.
Hold on.
Tell Jacob that if the art for dandy lube isn't on my desk by 9:00 A.
M.
Friday, he'll be teaching remedial finger-painting to kindergartners.
Mr.
DeCarlo? How does I love my balls.
Harvey? Did you think of a second? Actually, no.
See? I told you.
Look, you owe me big, Brian.
I don't know what Im supposed Now stop worrying, I'll get you the back cover.
I'm counting on you, hot shot.
Jeez, with an act like that, you should be in Vegas making tigers vanish into thin air.
Throw me a bone.
I'm trying to juggle 15 balls at once.
No remarks.
That's a nice suit.
Yeah? Worked wonders on Son of Dandy Lube.
You know, I like your new-found self-confidence, Theodore.
Far preferable to your former lack thereof.
So what's my next assignment, Jim? Congrats.
Brown Athletics is committing a cool mil to snag a model for their new underwear line.
Well, as luck would have it, I'm available.
Unfortunately, they're looking for someone with a higher profile.
Not to mention a bigger basket.
They want a famous sports figure.
I happen to be Pittsburghs 1986 junior class ping pong champion.
Well, runner-up.
So, at what hour of the day or night am I supposed to conduct this star search? I'll do it for you, Bri.
You? Yeah.
I landed dandy lube, didn't I? Look, I-I-I'll talk to some agents, a few managers, see who's interested, then put together a short list.
Final draft choice, of course, is yours.
Yeah, that sounds perfect, except for one itty-bitty detail, you don't know a fucking thing about sports.
But I know about sex, what looks good in a pair of shorts.
After all, I am a gay man, and sex is our national pastime.
These drawings of Rage and JT are hot.
Why can't we ever see Zephyr in a fuck-fest with some great-looking guy? Because nobody buys our comics to see Zephyr get laid.
That is so not true.
Just because you don't want to see it.
It's not that I don't want to see it, it's that I can't imagine it.
Well, I can.
When he and his hunky boyfriend, the world-famous palaeontologist, professor Ken Kirschner, get it on, they really rattle the old dinosaur bones.
Except ever since the scientific community rejected the professor's latest research findings, they haven't felt much like doing it.
I know what that's like.
JT hasn't gotten a rise out of rage since Ice Teena zapped him with her radiation gun.
You mean? Not since the operation.
But I thought the doctor said that "Nothing would be affected"? Yeah, well, something sure as hell isn't working.
Maybe he just needs some Viagra.
You try telling him that.
Okay, so how about we take a little trip to Chinatown? I already ate.
I meant to see Master Nee.
Who's he? He's this herbalist Ben sees.
He says he's a miracle worker.
He gave him this stuff that actually helped lower his viral load.
Come on.
You don't actually believe that.
Chinese medicine's been working for thousands of years.
Who am I to doubt it? Besides, if he can help lower Bens count, maybe he'll be able to raise the "Titanic"? I give them an assignment to critique one of Tennessee Williams' plays, and what do they do? They rip him to shreds, like a pack of jackals.
Oh, you know how some queers are.
They're not content to criticize, they have to seek and destroy.
All I know is, it's a lot harder to create something than it is to tear it apart.
Like your book.
That must've been like giving birth.
Most people have no idea.
I do.
Every sentence I write, or try to, is agony.
I don't know why I do it.
Probably for the same reason I do, you have no choice.
If you ever want me to read anything, a story, chapter, sentence just ask.
I promise to be gentle.
I'm sure you would be.
So, what do you think about Edmund White? Why, his essays and articles on being positive influenced me tremendously.
But I particularly love his autobiographical fiction.
In fact, "A Boy's Own Story" inspired me to write "R-U-1-2".
Then how about coming with me to his lecture tomorrow night? I've got an extra ticket.
You know, I I would love to, but, uh, I already made plans with my partner and our foster son.
That takes priority.
But in case something changes, I'll save you the seat.
Okay.
Honey? Hm? That feels wonderful.
I'm glad.
But but do you mind if we What? If we use this? Glindas magic wand? We haven't used this since Dorothy went home to Kansas.
I just felt, I don't know, in the mood, I guess.
But if you don't want to No, no, no, if it's what you want, then let's give it a whirl.
Oh, God.
There you go.
Thanks.
Take it easy, deb.
Yeah, you too, betty, honey.
See you tomorrow.
In case you didn't notice, I was in the diner.
I noticed.
Walk you home? No, it's okay.
It's late.
I've been doing it on my own for 20 years.
I can take care of myself.
And you've got a right hook to prove it.
You're working late.
Just got to get the job done.
Used to be the only reason you'd stay up was because it was still up.
A lot of things "used to be".
You're telling me.
I shouldn't have said what I did about Vic.
You're damn straight you shouldn't have.
Not that you were wrong.
He was lucky he got those extra years.
But it's the way you said it.
Just tossing it off like it didn't mean a thing, like his whole fucking life didn't mean a thing.
I see your point.
Yeah, so why didn't you see it then? Maybe because I didn't know that I had cancer then.
What? Are you going to make me say it twice? I just want to be sure that I heard you You heard it.
Shit.
Are you? All right? They think.
But, who the hell knows? Well then, what the fuck are you doing out at 2:00 in the morning? You should be home getting your rest, honey.
I can't sleep.
I keep having these dreams.
Well, force yourself.
And make sure you eat, you hear me? You got to keep your strength up.
Yes, mother.
Does she know? So far, just Michael and Justin.
And Theodore.
And nobody told me? I'm telling you.
How come? So that you'll forgive me and take pity on me.
Son of a bitch.
You're going to be okay, you hear me? You're going to be okay.
I'm making a list for the grocery.
Tide, butter, oatmeal.
Can you think of anything else? Batteries.
Huh? After last night, Glindas magic wand's going to need recharging.
Oh.
You were wild, honey.
Mel.
Don't be embarrassed.
It was hot to see you so turned on.
We're out of fruit.
Pears, apples.
Should I get more bananas? I mean I would say so.
By the way, I talked to Dusty and she said that we can drop Gus off around 4:00 o'clock, which gives us plenty of time to get ready and go to the opening.
Cranapple juice Do you want to go together, or do you have to get there early? I don't need to be there at all.
Oh, so you can be a guest just like anyone else? I mean I've decided not to go.
What are you talking about? It's your show.
You put the whole thing together.
I know.
Well, so, wouldn't you want to I've spent enough time on it already, okay? It's time I started being more attentive to you, to our family.
Michael even had to go to Lamaze for me.
Hey, hey, hey, when I feel like Im not getting enough attention, I'll let you know.
Now, I want you to go and get some of the attention you deserve.
Well, maybe I'll stop by later, when it's over.
See how it went.
Now I'm off to the grocery.
Since when did Ted Schmidt, reigning opera queen of Pittsburgh, trade in Puccini for pigskin? Since I told Brian I'd help him find a famous sports figure to model Brown Athletics' new underwear line.
Mmm, sounds hot.
So, uh, which hunky jock did you select to drop trou and smile for the birdie? I don't know who any of these guys are.
Oh, perhaps I can help you out.
You? Look, at least I know the difference between a football, a baseball and a basketball.
Balls are balls.
What about him? Who? Drew Boyd.
Star quarterback for the Iron Men.
threw 2 touchdown passes last game, and ran for 2, led all quarterbacks in the league in rushing yards.
I mean, if he keeps playing the way he's been, he's a cinch to lead his team to a conference championship, then to the super bowl.
What? How do you know all that? Hmm.
You know, life's full of surprises.
He's also gorgeous.
Look at that smile and those broad shoulders and those burly burly arms And that rock-hard butt All right, all right, all right, all right, you're drooling all over the magazine.
Ah, he is hot.
Mm, too bad he's straight.
A girl can always dream.
Excuse me.
Uh, we're looking for something to improve performance.
You a singer? Dancer? Comedian? Uh, no, not that kind of performance.
Um, uh sexual performance.
Huh? Sexual performance.
Sexual? Sexual? Sexual Ah, sexual.
Oh! You not get hard? Come too fast? Uh, no, it's not for me, it's for my friend.
Oh, it's what they all say.
Huh? Weak pulse.
Ah, low qi.
Exhausted chang meridian.
You have decline of fire in your gate of life, but no worry.
We make you hard, like rock.
Hey, I I told you, its it's for someone else.
It's for my boyfriend.
He had to have a testicle removed and they gave him radiation.
Oh, cancer, huh? Western medicine.
Kill you before it cure you.
Too much water, drown out his fire.
Velvet deer horn, cinnamon bark warm kidneys.
Morinda root, Chinese leek seed strengthen yang.
The rehmannia root nourish blood, and, uh, yeah, cornus flower moistens yin, huh? Make a tea.
Plenty good sex.
See? I told you.
Your turn.
I'm in no hurry.
Did anyone ever tell you how hot you look in your undies? About 300 women.
How many men? It's a shame the rest of the world can't see.
See what? How gorgeous you are.
Cut it out.
I'm serious.
You should display your manly charms.
Flash my cock in "Playgirl"? I was thinking more like, hm, underwear ad.
You're kidding? I have this friend who, uh, works for an ad agency, says Brown Athletics is looking for a famous sports figure to be their new underwear model.
And you have quite the figure.
I'm not posing in my shorts.
Everyone will think I'm a homo.
What everyone will think is, "I wish I had a body like that, and that someone would pay me all that money to show it off.
" Come on.
Why don't you pose? Here? Why not? I'll snap your picture.
Come on.
Give it up, show me what you got.
Oh-ho, yeah.
That's it, yeah.
That's the ticket.
Ho-o-o! Ho, ho, ho, yeah! Give me some of that trademark Drew Boyd action.
Make love to the camera.
Yeah, that's the way.
Make me want to suck your dick.
Would you stop nagging me already? I'm not going to pay $150 for a pair of jeans.
Diesel's quality, man.
They're ripped full of holes.
They're going to be rags after two washings.
Please, dad? I mean, dude.
There you are.
Hurry up and put down your books, we got to go to the mall.
You know, uh, if it's okay with you, uh, I think Ill pass.
No, it's not okay.
We had this planned.
Trashy movie, greasy pizza, over-priced clothes.
What more could a man ask for? I-I got invited to a lecture; Edmund White.
Who? One of our greatest gay writers.
Who invited you? Anthony.
Anthony.
Look, this is important to me.
And this is important to Hunter.
It doesn't take two of us to buy him a pair of jeans.
That's not the point.
Hey.
Hey! It's just the mall.
In fact, how about you both not go and give me your credit card? Thank you for the thoughtful suggestion, but, uh, I'm still going.
I'm sorry you're not.
I'm sorry I'm late, Sidney, but it couldn't be helped.
Gus got a fever.
Mel had to work late.
My hands were full.
So were mine, accepting cheques, Visa, or MasterCard.
Then it was a success? Awesome.
It's too bad you missed it.
Why don't you go home? I'll close up.
Don't forget to turn on the alarm.
All right.
Shall we go for a drink? Absolutely.
How about jerry? That's a great idea.
Oh, my God! You scared me to death.
Good thing I came back from the can.
You would have locked me in.
What are you doing here? Well, I had an opening tonight, in case you forgot.
I didn't forget.
Then where the hell were you? I had things to attend to.
Don't give me that shit.
This was the most important night of your life.
Oh, don't flatter yourself.
Your Aunt Minnie could've died and you wouldn't have missed it.
I don't have an Aunt Minnie.
Yeah, well, I do, and believe me, if you knew her, it's all the more reason you would have been here.
So why weren't you? I already told you.
Now let me lock up so I can go home.
What's your rush? You just got here.
What are you doing? Responding to my senses.
It's what an artist does.
Well, tell your senses to respond to this: Back off.
You sure? Yes, I'm sure.
Well, I'm not.
As a matter of fact, I think you've got a lot of contradictory feelings going on here.
Oh, is that so? Yeah.
I knew from the minute I met you, you wanted me to fuck you.
Why, you smug, arrogant I want you to leave.
Now! Sure.
But you ain't foolin' me, lady.
More important, you ain't foolin' yourself either.
Don't you dare tell me how I feel.
You have no idea how I feel.
Yeah.
And it isn't true what you said.
Liar, liar.
I have no feelings for you.
I mean, how could I? I'm a lesbian.
That's how.
He was amazing.
And to think I never would've heard of him if it hadn't been for your class.
Oh-h-h, I'm sure you would've discovered his work eventually.
I thought the part where he talked about how being positive changed his life was particularly powerful, didn't you? Hmm.
Oh, I'd better not.
Aw, come on.
Got to help me finish the bottle.
You know what constantly impresses and amazes me, how when confronted with the worst of circumstances, we, as gay men, somehow manage to rise to the challenge.
Like Edmund White.
Like you.
Anthony if this is where all this has been leading, you've made a mistake.
I don't think so.
I have a partner.
We have a foster kid.
I know.
And I'm not asking for anything I can't have.
All I want is this.
>From the moment I saw you, I fantasized about you admired you wanted to be like you.
That's why I want you to give me the gift.
What? I want you to be the one.
Anthony Make me positive like you.
What are you Stop it! It's going to happen anyway.
It's just a matter of time before it does.
Not if you're safe.
Why be safe? All my friends who've converted say they feel liberated.
Free.
They don't have to worry about it any more.
It's over.
Done.
I want to be like them like you.
It's late.
I have to get home.
Here.
Drink this.
It smells like yak shit.
Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if that was in it too.
It's a magic potion from a Chinese herbalist.
Will it make me small? I'm hoping that it will make you large, very, very large.
That's disgusting.
Who cares, as long as it works.
Are you feeling anything? Well, if you're expecting my glasses to steam up, I hate to disappoint you.
It's supposed to rekindle the fire in your life gate.
My life gate? I know it sounds ludicrous, but if it works, who gives a shit? Yeah, well, maybe it can also stop me from thinking about what's no longer there, and that in its place is this piece of plastic.
Or from picturing them sucking a bloody, disease-ridden ball out of me.
Or from feeling so shitty from having them burn me to a crisp with their ray gun that all I want to do is dig a hole and crawl in, only I'm too busy vomiting.
Who knows? Maybe then I might even be able to get it up.
There's got to be something.
Whatever it is, it's not a cup of Liptons.
You're all wet.
How was the opening? It was practically sold out.
Oh, that's great.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
Aren't you glad I made you go? As you know, I don't come here a hell of a lot.
I figure you've got enough on your hands without hearing from me.
But, um, this is important.
It's about my brother, Vic.
Vic Grassi.
He's gay, which seems to, um, bother some of the people you've got working for you.
But I say Considering what's been going on in your church lately, they got some hell of a nerve judging others.
I'm sure you have more love in your heart than they do and that there's a special place in heaven just for Vic.
But, uh keep an eye on him, just in case.
One more thing.
Brian Kinney.
No doubt you've heard of him.
He wouldn't like me telling you this, but the biggest organ he's got is his heart.
So please, God make him well.
Please.
Well I guess that's about it.
Thanks for listening.
Amen.
Joan? It's Debbie.
Debbie Novotny? Hello, Debbie.
I'M surprised to see you here.
Well, as I was just saying, I don't stop by too often.
But when the going gets tough, I still haul my ass back here, you know, like a good little catholic girl.
Well, that's the blessing of suffering.
It brings us closer to God.
Well, that's one way of looking at it.
Another way is to say to him, "Could you cut it out already?" I heard about your brother's passing.
Please accept my condolences.
Thanks.
I remember when I lost my sister.
I felt like I had lost my best friend, my confidante, My witness.
That about sums it up.
Well, at least we have our children.
That's some comfort.
Provided they're talking to you.
Well God bless.
Joan.
When's the last time you spoke to Brian? Its been a while.
Well, you might want to give him a call.
I doubt he has anything to say to me.
Well, there might be something you want to say to him.
I got him.
Got who? Drew Boyd.
He's agreed to be the new underwear model for Brown Athletics.
That's wonderful, Teddy.
Huh.
It's beyond wonderful.
It's incredible.
It's astonishing.
Its unbelievable.
It's not that unbelievable.
After all, they are paying him a million dollars.
How do you know that? Uh, well, they are, aren't they? Well, yeah, but so why are you so amazed? Never mind.
You know, I-I absolutely hate when you do that.
Do what? Start to say something and then say, "never mind.
" Then I have to spend the next 10 minutes begging you to tell me what it is.
I never knew it irritated you that much.
Why didn't you tell me? Well, what good would it do? You'd just get hurt and sulk.
I would not sulk.
And then I'd have to spend another 10 minutes convincing you that I love you and begging you to forgive me, which you finally would, so will you please just tell me what the fuck it is so we don't have to go through the entire song and dance? I forgot what it is I wasn't going to tell you.
You weren't going to tell me why it is so unbelievable that Drewsie D uh, Drew Boyd said, "yes.
" Uh, right.
Because I was sure that he would say "no.
" That he would turn me down flat, and that I'd have to face Brians wrath for being a wretched failure.
But that's not what happened.
He said "yes.
" And it's all because of you.
Me? Wh? Well, you're the one who suggested him, aren't you? Well, yeah, hm, I suppose I did.
Although I must've been pretty damn impressive to convince a big-time jock like Drew Boyd to stand around in his shorts.
There you go.
Professor Bruckner.
I'd like to check these out.
- Certainly.
- Anthony I'm sorry about last night, Ben.
I didn't mean to put you in an awkward situation.
It wasn't so much awkward as it was upsetting to learn that what you really wanted was for me to give you "the gift".
You were and still are my inspiration.
Then listen to me.
You have no idea what it's really like to be positive.
No book, no lecture could ever describe that.
So please believe me when I tell you you don't want it.
You dont.
It's not what you think.
Well, thanks for trying to talk me out of it, but it's too late.
You see, I went to a party last night.
What kind of party? It's called a conversion party.
I had unprotected sex with a dozen or so guys.
It's not the way I would've preferred it, but hopefully it worked.
Oh, Anthony, for God's sake They said I should know in a couple of weeks.
The same time these books are due back.
Your new office is very impressive.
And I like the name, Kinnetik, with two "ns".
That's very clever.
I'm glad to see you're doing so well.
Well, that makes two of us.
I saw that Debbie Novotny in church this morning.
Well, what the hell was she doing there? What most people do, pray.
Huh.
She's quite a character.
Yeah, well, I'll drink to that.
I don't know how her poor son ever survived.
Maybe because she loved him.
And I love you.
Well, you may not believe that, but it's true.
That's why it hurt so much that I had to hear it from her, and not from you.
Why didn't you tell me? The reason being? So I could help you.
Well, I'm a big boy, mom.
I can dress myself.
I meant pray for you.
Help you to see God's plan.
God has a plan? He spared you for a reason.
Do you know why? To torment you.
I mean, no martyr was ever sainted without going through a shitload of pain and suffering.
Well, Saint Joan, say hello to your shitload.
Brian.
Whatever anger, whatever hatred you have for me, you're still my son, and that's why I'm trying to save you from the eternal fire.
Every time you engage in behaviour that the bible expressedly says is an abomination, you're adding another eternity to your sentence.
Well, I wish I was engaging in it.
It brings tears to Jesus' eyes, knowing that you've sinned.
But only you can save yourself from God's punishment.
You think God gave me cancer to punish me? It's not too late.
You can still change.
I know you can.
I can? Though it won't be easy.
You'll have to fight temptation.
Be strong.
Harden yourself.
I want to be hard, mom.
You have no idea how much I want to be hard.
Oh, lord, make me hard, so that I can fuck every hot guy I see.
That's why God gave me a second chance, mom, so that I can use the one ball I have left.
Shame.
Shame on you! If I have to spend an eternity of eternities burning in hell, it's better than spending one good day in heaven with you.
Thank you.
So, in this dream there's this gigantic billboard of you, Times Square, like, 40 storeys high, in your underwear.
My agent said it'd be great exposure.
Anyway, you know I have this, um, little eccentricity about size, and your crotch goes from, like, the 16th to the 23rd floor.
So I get on this scaffolding that conveniently happens to be there, pull myself up, and the amazing thing is, the billboard comes to life.
So I leap out onto your shorts, pull them down, and you have this humongous boner that extends halfway across Times Square.
So I climb out onto it to give you a blow-job, and I'm hanging off it doing my thing, when suddenly you shoot.
Okay, it is like this exploding cascade and I ride it, and land safely in front of the Winter Garden Theatre where "Mamma Mia!" is playing.
You're a very weird guy.
You know what I think it means? For one thing, you're a bigger-than-life person.
Got it.
And I guess, I'm afraid that once the rest of the world sees you, I'll be just another face in the crowd.
What did you do that for? 'Cause I wanted to.
Hey! What's up? Funny you should ask.
Whoa! Is that a thing of beauty? Unh! And a joy forever.
So that happy-time tea actually worked? Mmm, unlikely.
Then whence the woody? Let's just say that God gave me a second chance.
I don't want to blow it.
But you feel free to.
Well? You sure you want my opinion after the last time? Yeah, I wouldn't have asked you to read it if I didnt.
Okay.
Um my honest opinion is it's brilliant.
I mean it.
At first I was shocked and even disgusted, that anyone would actually want to be positive.
But somehow, by the end, I-I really felt sorry for the guy that he could be that lost and alone.
And it takes a pretty amazing writer to be able to pull that off.
So how was the trip to the mall? I splurged.
I bought Hunter his jeans.
And he got us something, a CD.
Uh, not some rap crap.
Now, now, dear.
Mustn't criticize the younger generation's music.
Yeah.
Not bad.
Come on, you big lug, waltz me around the room.
You know what part of your story I liked best? Hmm? What? The part where the gift-giver decides not to sleep with the bug-chaser and goes back to his partner.
Moo!
Cue the pulse to begin Cue the pulse to begin Cue the pulse to begin Cue the pulse to begin Relax and count backwards from 10, Mr.
Kinney.
Brian? Don't say anything.
Look, I'm sure it's just a temporary malfunction.
It takes time for your body to heal itself and for you to regain your strength.
Be patient.
Everything will be up and running in no time.
Thanks for not saying anything.
I want to get those cool pumas and a pair of diesel jeans, maybe two.
Hey, hey.
What do you think I am, made of money? Like, yeah.
You're having a movie made.
We hope.
And I didn't work my ass off so I could put expensive jeans on yours.
Ben, I want to get a couple pairs of diesel jeans.
Pull up your pants.
I can see your shorts.
That's the fucking point.
We're taking Hunter to buy some new clothes.
And have pizza and go to a movie.
Not a Brett Keller movie.
So, tomorrow night? The mall? The three of us? Uh, sure.
Fine.
Ah, must be Mark Bluestein.
He has the flu.
I said I'd cover his class.
Hello? Hey.
Uh-huh.
Sure.
Uh, breakfast, lunch, whatever.
Yeah, see you then.
For somebody who's laid up with the flu, he has a pretty healthy appetite.
Uh, yeah, that wasn't Mark.
It was Anthony, from the library.
You remember, I told you about him? Yeah, how could I forget? He only calls you every hour.
That's not true.
Maybe he has a crush on you.
That's not true either.
He's just a nice kid who wants to be a writer.
We get together and discuss books, that's all.
So, tomorrow night.
Pizza, a movie and diesel jeans.
Tight.
Yeah, you mean, "loose".
Oh, touchdown.
My, how the boy can score.
I've got a good kicker.
I'll say.
That's a quarterback's secret weapon.
Speaking of secrets does your fiancée know? Know what? That you're mm? That I'M? Do I really have to say it? That you're, uh, the "h" word.
Hard-bodied? Hot? Hung? Yeah, she knows all that.
I meant, uh, homosexual.
Gay.
Queer.
Hey, I'm not a fag.
Did I use that word? A fag is a sissy, girl, pansy.
You think Im that? Hardly.
A fag can't even throw a ball.
Do you know how far I can throw? I reckon a country mile.
I'm a hero, to millions.
Name one fag who's a hero.
Name one fag who's got a call from the president saying, "great game.
" Name one fag that's fucked every Dallas cheerleader, and I don't even play for Dallas.
Name one fag every kid wants to grow up to be.
Harvey Fierstein? So why would anyone think I was a fag? Maybe because you had your dick up my ass? So I like to fuck guys.
Doesn't mean that I love them, or want to kiss them, or even know them.
This is just for fun.
To get off.
And no one's to ever hear about this.
Understand? Who'd believe me if I told them? Next week, an enormous 250-foot mural of yours will be unveiled at Penn Plaza.
Tomorrow, an exhibition of your drawings opens here, at the Sidney Bloom Gallery.
Tell me, Mr.
Auerbach, why did you choose Pittsburgh? Well, unless you're a Pirates fan, there's not a goddamn reason to come here.
Now there will be.
That's perfect.
I've heard your ego is as big as your mural.
I hope I haven't let you down.
I mean I hope this bagel-deprived burg feels the same way when they see my work.
I think that's all we need.
That's good.
That was great.
Thank you.
Any time, honey.
How was I? Okay.
I guess.
I wasn't really listening.
I was working.
I'm glad I didn't distract you.
Not at all.
You know, I have this strange feeling that I'm being ignored.
Strange, because, I mean, lets let's face it, I'm not used to being ignored.
In fact, I think the last time it happened, I was 14.
Suzie Schroeder was her name.
She ditched me at a Tastee Freeze for a guy with a triple scoop.
Broke my heart.
Well, you needn't worry.
I haven't been to a Tastee Freeze in years.
So why don't you go over and flirt with that nice girl reporter, and leave me to my work? Harvey, when have I ever let you down? Are you fucking kidding me? Name one time.
The time I asked you out on a date, and you said, "thanks, but no.
" Okay, name a second.
Oh, Jesus, Brian, I was one of your first clients.
Just because you're a big shot now Hold on.
Mr.
DeCarlo, sorry to keep you.
When is that campaign going to be ready? We're right on schedule.
How does it look? It looks great.
I need it for the next stock-holder's meeting.
When? Friday, 3:00 o'clock, or they'll have my balls.
Hold on.
Tell Jacob that if the art for dandy lube isn't on my desk by 9:00 A.
M.
Friday, he'll be teaching remedial finger-painting to kindergartners.
Mr.
DeCarlo? How does I love my balls.
Harvey? Did you think of a second? Actually, no.
See? I told you.
Look, you owe me big, Brian.
I don't know what Im supposed Now stop worrying, I'll get you the back cover.
I'm counting on you, hot shot.
Jeez, with an act like that, you should be in Vegas making tigers vanish into thin air.
Throw me a bone.
I'm trying to juggle 15 balls at once.
No remarks.
That's a nice suit.
Yeah? Worked wonders on Son of Dandy Lube.
You know, I like your new-found self-confidence, Theodore.
Far preferable to your former lack thereof.
So what's my next assignment, Jim? Congrats.
Brown Athletics is committing a cool mil to snag a model for their new underwear line.
Well, as luck would have it, I'm available.
Unfortunately, they're looking for someone with a higher profile.
Not to mention a bigger basket.
They want a famous sports figure.
I happen to be Pittsburghs 1986 junior class ping pong champion.
Well, runner-up.
So, at what hour of the day or night am I supposed to conduct this star search? I'll do it for you, Bri.
You? Yeah.
I landed dandy lube, didn't I? Look, I-I-I'll talk to some agents, a few managers, see who's interested, then put together a short list.
Final draft choice, of course, is yours.
Yeah, that sounds perfect, except for one itty-bitty detail, you don't know a fucking thing about sports.
But I know about sex, what looks good in a pair of shorts.
After all, I am a gay man, and sex is our national pastime.
These drawings of Rage and JT are hot.
Why can't we ever see Zephyr in a fuck-fest with some great-looking guy? Because nobody buys our comics to see Zephyr get laid.
That is so not true.
Just because you don't want to see it.
It's not that I don't want to see it, it's that I can't imagine it.
Well, I can.
When he and his hunky boyfriend, the world-famous palaeontologist, professor Ken Kirschner, get it on, they really rattle the old dinosaur bones.
Except ever since the scientific community rejected the professor's latest research findings, they haven't felt much like doing it.
I know what that's like.
JT hasn't gotten a rise out of rage since Ice Teena zapped him with her radiation gun.
You mean? Not since the operation.
But I thought the doctor said that "Nothing would be affected"? Yeah, well, something sure as hell isn't working.
Maybe he just needs some Viagra.
You try telling him that.
Okay, so how about we take a little trip to Chinatown? I already ate.
I meant to see Master Nee.
Who's he? He's this herbalist Ben sees.
He says he's a miracle worker.
He gave him this stuff that actually helped lower his viral load.
Come on.
You don't actually believe that.
Chinese medicine's been working for thousands of years.
Who am I to doubt it? Besides, if he can help lower Bens count, maybe he'll be able to raise the "Titanic"? I give them an assignment to critique one of Tennessee Williams' plays, and what do they do? They rip him to shreds, like a pack of jackals.
Oh, you know how some queers are.
They're not content to criticize, they have to seek and destroy.
All I know is, it's a lot harder to create something than it is to tear it apart.
Like your book.
That must've been like giving birth.
Most people have no idea.
I do.
Every sentence I write, or try to, is agony.
I don't know why I do it.
Probably for the same reason I do, you have no choice.
If you ever want me to read anything, a story, chapter, sentence just ask.
I promise to be gentle.
I'm sure you would be.
So, what do you think about Edmund White? Why, his essays and articles on being positive influenced me tremendously.
But I particularly love his autobiographical fiction.
In fact, "A Boy's Own Story" inspired me to write "R-U-1-2".
Then how about coming with me to his lecture tomorrow night? I've got an extra ticket.
You know, I I would love to, but, uh, I already made plans with my partner and our foster son.
That takes priority.
But in case something changes, I'll save you the seat.
Okay.
Honey? Hm? That feels wonderful.
I'm glad.
But but do you mind if we What? If we use this? Glindas magic wand? We haven't used this since Dorothy went home to Kansas.
I just felt, I don't know, in the mood, I guess.
But if you don't want to No, no, no, if it's what you want, then let's give it a whirl.
Oh, God.
There you go.
Thanks.
Take it easy, deb.
Yeah, you too, betty, honey.
See you tomorrow.
In case you didn't notice, I was in the diner.
I noticed.
Walk you home? No, it's okay.
It's late.
I've been doing it on my own for 20 years.
I can take care of myself.
And you've got a right hook to prove it.
You're working late.
Just got to get the job done.
Used to be the only reason you'd stay up was because it was still up.
A lot of things "used to be".
You're telling me.
I shouldn't have said what I did about Vic.
You're damn straight you shouldn't have.
Not that you were wrong.
He was lucky he got those extra years.
But it's the way you said it.
Just tossing it off like it didn't mean a thing, like his whole fucking life didn't mean a thing.
I see your point.
Yeah, so why didn't you see it then? Maybe because I didn't know that I had cancer then.
What? Are you going to make me say it twice? I just want to be sure that I heard you You heard it.
Shit.
Are you? All right? They think.
But, who the hell knows? Well then, what the fuck are you doing out at 2:00 in the morning? You should be home getting your rest, honey.
I can't sleep.
I keep having these dreams.
Well, force yourself.
And make sure you eat, you hear me? You got to keep your strength up.
Yes, mother.
Does she know? So far, just Michael and Justin.
And Theodore.
And nobody told me? I'm telling you.
How come? So that you'll forgive me and take pity on me.
Son of a bitch.
You're going to be okay, you hear me? You're going to be okay.
I'm making a list for the grocery.
Tide, butter, oatmeal.
Can you think of anything else? Batteries.
Huh? After last night, Glindas magic wand's going to need recharging.
Oh.
You were wild, honey.
Mel.
Don't be embarrassed.
It was hot to see you so turned on.
We're out of fruit.
Pears, apples.
Should I get more bananas? I mean I would say so.
By the way, I talked to Dusty and she said that we can drop Gus off around 4:00 o'clock, which gives us plenty of time to get ready and go to the opening.
Cranapple juice Do you want to go together, or do you have to get there early? I don't need to be there at all.
Oh, so you can be a guest just like anyone else? I mean I've decided not to go.
What are you talking about? It's your show.
You put the whole thing together.
I know.
Well, so, wouldn't you want to I've spent enough time on it already, okay? It's time I started being more attentive to you, to our family.
Michael even had to go to Lamaze for me.
Hey, hey, hey, when I feel like Im not getting enough attention, I'll let you know.
Now, I want you to go and get some of the attention you deserve.
Well, maybe I'll stop by later, when it's over.
See how it went.
Now I'm off to the grocery.
Since when did Ted Schmidt, reigning opera queen of Pittsburgh, trade in Puccini for pigskin? Since I told Brian I'd help him find a famous sports figure to model Brown Athletics' new underwear line.
Mmm, sounds hot.
So, uh, which hunky jock did you select to drop trou and smile for the birdie? I don't know who any of these guys are.
Oh, perhaps I can help you out.
You? Look, at least I know the difference between a football, a baseball and a basketball.
Balls are balls.
What about him? Who? Drew Boyd.
Star quarterback for the Iron Men.
threw 2 touchdown passes last game, and ran for 2, led all quarterbacks in the league in rushing yards.
I mean, if he keeps playing the way he's been, he's a cinch to lead his team to a conference championship, then to the super bowl.
What? How do you know all that? Hmm.
You know, life's full of surprises.
He's also gorgeous.
Look at that smile and those broad shoulders and those burly burly arms And that rock-hard butt All right, all right, all right, all right, you're drooling all over the magazine.
Ah, he is hot.
Mm, too bad he's straight.
A girl can always dream.
Excuse me.
Uh, we're looking for something to improve performance.
You a singer? Dancer? Comedian? Uh, no, not that kind of performance.
Um, uh sexual performance.
Huh? Sexual performance.
Sexual? Sexual? Sexual Ah, sexual.
Oh! You not get hard? Come too fast? Uh, no, it's not for me, it's for my friend.
Oh, it's what they all say.
Huh? Weak pulse.
Ah, low qi.
Exhausted chang meridian.
You have decline of fire in your gate of life, but no worry.
We make you hard, like rock.
Hey, I I told you, its it's for someone else.
It's for my boyfriend.
He had to have a testicle removed and they gave him radiation.
Oh, cancer, huh? Western medicine.
Kill you before it cure you.
Too much water, drown out his fire.
Velvet deer horn, cinnamon bark warm kidneys.
Morinda root, Chinese leek seed strengthen yang.
The rehmannia root nourish blood, and, uh, yeah, cornus flower moistens yin, huh? Make a tea.
Plenty good sex.
See? I told you.
Your turn.
I'm in no hurry.
Did anyone ever tell you how hot you look in your undies? About 300 women.
How many men? It's a shame the rest of the world can't see.
See what? How gorgeous you are.
Cut it out.
I'm serious.
You should display your manly charms.
Flash my cock in "Playgirl"? I was thinking more like, hm, underwear ad.
You're kidding? I have this friend who, uh, works for an ad agency, says Brown Athletics is looking for a famous sports figure to be their new underwear model.
And you have quite the figure.
I'm not posing in my shorts.
Everyone will think I'm a homo.
What everyone will think is, "I wish I had a body like that, and that someone would pay me all that money to show it off.
" Come on.
Why don't you pose? Here? Why not? I'll snap your picture.
Come on.
Give it up, show me what you got.
Oh-ho, yeah.
That's it, yeah.
That's the ticket.
Ho-o-o! Ho, ho, ho, yeah! Give me some of that trademark Drew Boyd action.
Make love to the camera.
Yeah, that's the way.
Make me want to suck your dick.
Would you stop nagging me already? I'm not going to pay $150 for a pair of jeans.
Diesel's quality, man.
They're ripped full of holes.
They're going to be rags after two washings.
Please, dad? I mean, dude.
There you are.
Hurry up and put down your books, we got to go to the mall.
You know, uh, if it's okay with you, uh, I think Ill pass.
No, it's not okay.
We had this planned.
Trashy movie, greasy pizza, over-priced clothes.
What more could a man ask for? I-I got invited to a lecture; Edmund White.
Who? One of our greatest gay writers.
Who invited you? Anthony.
Anthony.
Look, this is important to me.
And this is important to Hunter.
It doesn't take two of us to buy him a pair of jeans.
That's not the point.
Hey.
Hey! It's just the mall.
In fact, how about you both not go and give me your credit card? Thank you for the thoughtful suggestion, but, uh, I'm still going.
I'm sorry you're not.
I'm sorry I'm late, Sidney, but it couldn't be helped.
Gus got a fever.
Mel had to work late.
My hands were full.
So were mine, accepting cheques, Visa, or MasterCard.
Then it was a success? Awesome.
It's too bad you missed it.
Why don't you go home? I'll close up.
Don't forget to turn on the alarm.
All right.
Shall we go for a drink? Absolutely.
How about jerry? That's a great idea.
Oh, my God! You scared me to death.
Good thing I came back from the can.
You would have locked me in.
What are you doing here? Well, I had an opening tonight, in case you forgot.
I didn't forget.
Then where the hell were you? I had things to attend to.
Don't give me that shit.
This was the most important night of your life.
Oh, don't flatter yourself.
Your Aunt Minnie could've died and you wouldn't have missed it.
I don't have an Aunt Minnie.
Yeah, well, I do, and believe me, if you knew her, it's all the more reason you would have been here.
So why weren't you? I already told you.
Now let me lock up so I can go home.
What's your rush? You just got here.
What are you doing? Responding to my senses.
It's what an artist does.
Well, tell your senses to respond to this: Back off.
You sure? Yes, I'm sure.
Well, I'm not.
As a matter of fact, I think you've got a lot of contradictory feelings going on here.
Oh, is that so? Yeah.
I knew from the minute I met you, you wanted me to fuck you.
Why, you smug, arrogant I want you to leave.
Now! Sure.
But you ain't foolin' me, lady.
More important, you ain't foolin' yourself either.
Don't you dare tell me how I feel.
You have no idea how I feel.
Yeah.
And it isn't true what you said.
Liar, liar.
I have no feelings for you.
I mean, how could I? I'm a lesbian.
That's how.
He was amazing.
And to think I never would've heard of him if it hadn't been for your class.
Oh-h-h, I'm sure you would've discovered his work eventually.
I thought the part where he talked about how being positive changed his life was particularly powerful, didn't you? Hmm.
Oh, I'd better not.
Aw, come on.
Got to help me finish the bottle.
You know what constantly impresses and amazes me, how when confronted with the worst of circumstances, we, as gay men, somehow manage to rise to the challenge.
Like Edmund White.
Like you.
Anthony if this is where all this has been leading, you've made a mistake.
I don't think so.
I have a partner.
We have a foster kid.
I know.
And I'm not asking for anything I can't have.
All I want is this.
>From the moment I saw you, I fantasized about you admired you wanted to be like you.
That's why I want you to give me the gift.
What? I want you to be the one.
Anthony Make me positive like you.
What are you Stop it! It's going to happen anyway.
It's just a matter of time before it does.
Not if you're safe.
Why be safe? All my friends who've converted say they feel liberated.
Free.
They don't have to worry about it any more.
It's over.
Done.
I want to be like them like you.
It's late.
I have to get home.
Here.
Drink this.
It smells like yak shit.
Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if that was in it too.
It's a magic potion from a Chinese herbalist.
Will it make me small? I'm hoping that it will make you large, very, very large.
That's disgusting.
Who cares, as long as it works.
Are you feeling anything? Well, if you're expecting my glasses to steam up, I hate to disappoint you.
It's supposed to rekindle the fire in your life gate.
My life gate? I know it sounds ludicrous, but if it works, who gives a shit? Yeah, well, maybe it can also stop me from thinking about what's no longer there, and that in its place is this piece of plastic.
Or from picturing them sucking a bloody, disease-ridden ball out of me.
Or from feeling so shitty from having them burn me to a crisp with their ray gun that all I want to do is dig a hole and crawl in, only I'm too busy vomiting.
Who knows? Maybe then I might even be able to get it up.
There's got to be something.
Whatever it is, it's not a cup of Liptons.
You're all wet.
How was the opening? It was practically sold out.
Oh, that's great.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
Aren't you glad I made you go? As you know, I don't come here a hell of a lot.
I figure you've got enough on your hands without hearing from me.
But, um, this is important.
It's about my brother, Vic.
Vic Grassi.
He's gay, which seems to, um, bother some of the people you've got working for you.
But I say Considering what's been going on in your church lately, they got some hell of a nerve judging others.
I'm sure you have more love in your heart than they do and that there's a special place in heaven just for Vic.
But, uh keep an eye on him, just in case.
One more thing.
Brian Kinney.
No doubt you've heard of him.
He wouldn't like me telling you this, but the biggest organ he's got is his heart.
So please, God make him well.
Please.
Well I guess that's about it.
Thanks for listening.
Amen.
Joan? It's Debbie.
Debbie Novotny? Hello, Debbie.
I'M surprised to see you here.
Well, as I was just saying, I don't stop by too often.
But when the going gets tough, I still haul my ass back here, you know, like a good little catholic girl.
Well, that's the blessing of suffering.
It brings us closer to God.
Well, that's one way of looking at it.
Another way is to say to him, "Could you cut it out already?" I heard about your brother's passing.
Please accept my condolences.
Thanks.
I remember when I lost my sister.
I felt like I had lost my best friend, my confidante, My witness.
That about sums it up.
Well, at least we have our children.
That's some comfort.
Provided they're talking to you.
Well God bless.
Joan.
When's the last time you spoke to Brian? Its been a while.
Well, you might want to give him a call.
I doubt he has anything to say to me.
Well, there might be something you want to say to him.
I got him.
Got who? Drew Boyd.
He's agreed to be the new underwear model for Brown Athletics.
That's wonderful, Teddy.
Huh.
It's beyond wonderful.
It's incredible.
It's astonishing.
Its unbelievable.
It's not that unbelievable.
After all, they are paying him a million dollars.
How do you know that? Uh, well, they are, aren't they? Well, yeah, but so why are you so amazed? Never mind.
You know, I-I absolutely hate when you do that.
Do what? Start to say something and then say, "never mind.
" Then I have to spend the next 10 minutes begging you to tell me what it is.
I never knew it irritated you that much.
Why didn't you tell me? Well, what good would it do? You'd just get hurt and sulk.
I would not sulk.
And then I'd have to spend another 10 minutes convincing you that I love you and begging you to forgive me, which you finally would, so will you please just tell me what the fuck it is so we don't have to go through the entire song and dance? I forgot what it is I wasn't going to tell you.
You weren't going to tell me why it is so unbelievable that Drewsie D uh, Drew Boyd said, "yes.
" Uh, right.
Because I was sure that he would say "no.
" That he would turn me down flat, and that I'd have to face Brians wrath for being a wretched failure.
But that's not what happened.
He said "yes.
" And it's all because of you.
Me? Wh? Well, you're the one who suggested him, aren't you? Well, yeah, hm, I suppose I did.
Although I must've been pretty damn impressive to convince a big-time jock like Drew Boyd to stand around in his shorts.
There you go.
Professor Bruckner.
I'd like to check these out.
- Certainly.
- Anthony I'm sorry about last night, Ben.
I didn't mean to put you in an awkward situation.
It wasn't so much awkward as it was upsetting to learn that what you really wanted was for me to give you "the gift".
You were and still are my inspiration.
Then listen to me.
You have no idea what it's really like to be positive.
No book, no lecture could ever describe that.
So please believe me when I tell you you don't want it.
You dont.
It's not what you think.
Well, thanks for trying to talk me out of it, but it's too late.
You see, I went to a party last night.
What kind of party? It's called a conversion party.
I had unprotected sex with a dozen or so guys.
It's not the way I would've preferred it, but hopefully it worked.
Oh, Anthony, for God's sake They said I should know in a couple of weeks.
The same time these books are due back.
Your new office is very impressive.
And I like the name, Kinnetik, with two "ns".
That's very clever.
I'm glad to see you're doing so well.
Well, that makes two of us.
I saw that Debbie Novotny in church this morning.
Well, what the hell was she doing there? What most people do, pray.
Huh.
She's quite a character.
Yeah, well, I'll drink to that.
I don't know how her poor son ever survived.
Maybe because she loved him.
And I love you.
Well, you may not believe that, but it's true.
That's why it hurt so much that I had to hear it from her, and not from you.
Why didn't you tell me? The reason being? So I could help you.
Well, I'm a big boy, mom.
I can dress myself.
I meant pray for you.
Help you to see God's plan.
God has a plan? He spared you for a reason.
Do you know why? To torment you.
I mean, no martyr was ever sainted without going through a shitload of pain and suffering.
Well, Saint Joan, say hello to your shitload.
Brian.
Whatever anger, whatever hatred you have for me, you're still my son, and that's why I'm trying to save you from the eternal fire.
Every time you engage in behaviour that the bible expressedly says is an abomination, you're adding another eternity to your sentence.
Well, I wish I was engaging in it.
It brings tears to Jesus' eyes, knowing that you've sinned.
But only you can save yourself from God's punishment.
You think God gave me cancer to punish me? It's not too late.
You can still change.
I know you can.
I can? Though it won't be easy.
You'll have to fight temptation.
Be strong.
Harden yourself.
I want to be hard, mom.
You have no idea how much I want to be hard.
Oh, lord, make me hard, so that I can fuck every hot guy I see.
That's why God gave me a second chance, mom, so that I can use the one ball I have left.
Shame.
Shame on you! If I have to spend an eternity of eternities burning in hell, it's better than spending one good day in heaven with you.
Thank you.
So, in this dream there's this gigantic billboard of you, Times Square, like, 40 storeys high, in your underwear.
My agent said it'd be great exposure.
Anyway, you know I have this, um, little eccentricity about size, and your crotch goes from, like, the 16th to the 23rd floor.
So I get on this scaffolding that conveniently happens to be there, pull myself up, and the amazing thing is, the billboard comes to life.
So I leap out onto your shorts, pull them down, and you have this humongous boner that extends halfway across Times Square.
So I climb out onto it to give you a blow-job, and I'm hanging off it doing my thing, when suddenly you shoot.
Okay, it is like this exploding cascade and I ride it, and land safely in front of the Winter Garden Theatre where "Mamma Mia!" is playing.
You're a very weird guy.
You know what I think it means? For one thing, you're a bigger-than-life person.
Got it.
And I guess, I'm afraid that once the rest of the world sees you, I'll be just another face in the crowd.
What did you do that for? 'Cause I wanted to.
Hey! What's up? Funny you should ask.
Whoa! Is that a thing of beauty? Unh! And a joy forever.
So that happy-time tea actually worked? Mmm, unlikely.
Then whence the woody? Let's just say that God gave me a second chance.
I don't want to blow it.
But you feel free to.
Well? You sure you want my opinion after the last time? Yeah, I wouldn't have asked you to read it if I didnt.
Okay.
Um my honest opinion is it's brilliant.
I mean it.
At first I was shocked and even disgusted, that anyone would actually want to be positive.
But somehow, by the end, I-I really felt sorry for the guy that he could be that lost and alone.
And it takes a pretty amazing writer to be able to pull that off.
So how was the trip to the mall? I splurged.
I bought Hunter his jeans.
And he got us something, a CD.
Uh, not some rap crap.
Now, now, dear.
Mustn't criticize the younger generation's music.
Yeah.
Not bad.
Come on, you big lug, waltz me around the room.
You know what part of your story I liked best? Hmm? What? The part where the gift-giver decides not to sleep with the bug-chaser and goes back to his partner.
Moo!