Raising Hope s02e05 Episode Script

Oh, Shelley.
I told you, if you saw bugs on her they're just termites.
You didn't need to put her in the flea pit.
Oh, no.
That's not the flea pit.
The flea pit's over there.
Hope's in time-out.
She's doing a 30-minute stretch for hitting Jeremy.
Hitting? That's not like her.
- Why's the dog in time-out? - Rape.
Oh, I know they shouldn't be sharing a cell, but I ran out of plastic fence.
And it's not like he raped a kid.
He raped a lamp.
He busted its bulb.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about Hope.
She must have learned how to fight during her first six months in the slammer, 'cause y should have seen her kick Jeremy's ass.
Next time, you'll think twice before you snatch a tinker toy from my girl, won't you? We don't care for Jeremy; he's a bit difficult.
Jeremy's a fart face.
* Whoo! * * Here we go, oh, oh, oh * * Daddy-o, oh, oh, oh * * Birth control, no, no, no * * Let it roll, oh, oh, oh * * Oh, oh * * Whoo! * * Here we go, oh, oh, oh * * Oh, oh, oh! * Raising Hope S02E05 "Killer Hope" -DIFUNDE LA PALABRA- Eat your dinner before it melts.
Popsicles and olives? Have we just given up? We can't have any food in the house while they tent for termites.
We're eating everything in the fridge.
Maw Maw's been over there an hour already.
It's like having a goat.
Oh, be careful.
Apparently she's in a bit of a mood today.
She hit a kid at day care.
Here we go.
I told you! What? Did she really hit a kid? Yeah, she hit a kid; kids hit kids, what? It's starting! What's starting? Jimmy, you know how those Kardashian girls all have real big butts? Then you look at their mother, and she's got a big butt, too? Hope's mother was a serial killer.
Oh, come on! She's a baby! John Wayne Gacy was a baby, too.
And so was Ted Bundy! And remember Son of Sam? At one point, Sam was walking around going "This is my brand-new baby.
" It's not just Lucy.
This kid's grandparents are whackjobs, too.
They're in prison for ying to kidnap this kid! Are they still in prison? Yeah, I see the dad all the time on Highway 8, picking up trash with the work crew.
He looks good, but who wouldn't look good in a jumpsuit? She just hit one kid, I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.
Finished.
Good job, Maw Maw.
Ah.
Where's all the refrigerator magnets? What? All those fruit-shaped magnets that were on the freezer.
Uh If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and kill again.
Aah! Termites, huh? Yep, poor little wood-eating bastards.
They see the tent going up, they probably think they're at the circus.
Hey, give me those! I'm gonna put all the baby stuff in the storage pod.
Listen, the termite guy's gonna turn on the gas soon.
Since I'm pretty sure nothing's gonna happen tonight, I think we got five minutes; we can sneak inside for a quickie.
Even if the termite guy catches us, he seems very discrete.
Hey, I love doing it in tents, too.
But since what usually takes you five minutes sometimes takes me ten, I got to pass.
All right.
So, you put all the furniture the same way it was in the house.
What that really necessary? Since we're gonna be sleeping out here for two nights, I didn't want Maw Maw to get confused.
Even on her normal nights, e might accidentally pee in the hamper.
I'm heading to work.
Uh, there's something I need to do first.
I'll see you.
So, where do we go to the bathroom? Where you always go.
The bathroom! Damn it, Burt! That's my good bucket! Not anymore! My slipper's running away! Can I help you? Uh, I need to talk to one of the prisoners? He's my daughter's grandfather.
The guy with the pigtails.
Take off, son.
In here, he's nobody's grandfather.
Go on! Get! Hey! Dale! Oh, hey, Jimmy, hi.
- How you doing? - Not so good.
I'm in jail, and as you can see by my hairstyle I've had to make a few compromises in order to ensure my safety.
Hello again.
How-how's Hope? Good, good.
Hey, I was wondering if I could ask you a question.
Well sure, you Hey! When Lucy was Hope's age, - did she hit other kids? - Yeah.
Then around two years old, she started biting.
And right around three, she graduated to light stabbing.
Thanks, that's all I needed! James, what are you doing? I don't know, making an animal.
That's a cat.
People are going to think that's cat meat.
That's 90% beef; make a cow.
Sorry.
Guys, what if my parents are right? I mean, Lucy hit kids, too.
What if this is the start of Hope turning into a serial killer? That's crazy; just 'cause Hope's mom stabbed somebody.
- And shot someone.
- And strangled someone.
And poisoned someone.
Okay, we all watched the Geraldo special, what's your point? That nurture is more important than nature.
I mean, how you raise her is gonna make her who she is.
Sabrina's right; nurture is everything.
My parents were lesbians, but I'm not a lesbian.
I do like women, though.
Oh, tric math on this one.
But I love my parents.
My dad always pushed me hard to become an Olympic gymnast.
I never made it to the Olympics, but hey My point is, kids react to the environment they're raised in.
Hope will be fine.
Plus, it's not like she's been exposed to a lot of violence or conflict, right? You burnt the toast again?! You have to stop being distracted by the TV! I'm sorry! That commercial for Crazy Michael's Appliance Store was on and I can't decide if he's an actor or if he's really crazy I'm mesmerized! Stop it! Oh! My battery's dead again.
Have you been using my headlights to practice your stupid shadow puppets? Stupid? I found a great one last night.
What's that look like to you? It looks like an idiot who keeps leaving my headlights on.
Wrong! Moose antlers! Oh, damn it, Jimmy! You're a grown man.
When are you gonna stop spilling drinks? Ow! Ow.
Ow! I got to go.
James? Can I get three pounds of the cat? So, no more arguing, no more fighting.
Nothing.
Look, Jimmy, I'm all for making sure she doesn't murder us one day.
But why worry now? She's ill got that big soft spot on her head.
It's like an emergency kill switch.
You know what babies are like.
One day they're crawling, next day they're walking.
One day they can't even use a spoon.
The next day, they're stabbing you.
He's right.
She can walk now, she can pick stuff up.
Those are the two most important things you need to know how to do to kill somebody.
As long as we show her that people should be kind, keep everything peaceful, and don't raise our voices I think we'll be okay.
We can't let our guard down.
I love her, but I'm gonna sleep with one eye open till she moves out of this house.
And in this family, that could be a long, long time.
Virginia! Did you bring my guitar out like I asked? No, I was going to, but that Crazy Mike commercial came on, nd I got sucked in.
I swear, if that guy doesn't really have Tourette's, he's freaking DeNiro.
Virginia! I told you I wanted to play around the campfire! I can't believe this! Shh! Okey-dokey! I'll go get it! Whoa-whoah! You're not going in there, are you? What about the chemicals? I'll hold my breath and close my eyes.
It'll be like eating Indian food.
I got it! That's a lamp.
What did I go in there for? A guitar.
* There's a skeeter on my Peter * * Get it off * * There's a dozen on my cousin * * You can hear the suckers buzzin' * I could get used to a world without roofs.
I love the fresh air.
And I hate roofers.
Rain! Burt, did you check the weather? No, I did not.
Hey! Put everything I could into the car, just to make room in here.
My pickup has the clothes, Jimmy's van has the food.
And Virginia's got junk in her trunk.
Hey! Junk in the trunk! I just got that.
You good, Maw Maw? Train travel it's the only way to see America.
Okay, well we're going through a tunnel! Okay, well, I'm going out to the van to get some food.
It's pretty dark out there.
So, for dinner tonight we're either having flank steak, or floormats.
So come on down Do any of you butt lumps need a damn clock radio? I need one, I need at least three! I need three to control my mind! Whoo! * Clock radio! * Want to buy a DVD? Ron Paul for President.
What are you? Living in these pods isn't so bad.
I wonder what poor people do when their houses get tented and they have no place to live.
This is what poor people do; we're poor.
Still, it's not so bad.
Aah! Oh, crap! Whoo-whoo-whoo! Whoo! Whoo-whoo! Whoah! Whoah, yourself, sock-burner! Sorry, I got distracted by the neighbor's TV.
Aw, you're always doing that! It's like you have ADD.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Not in front of the anger sponge.
Look at us, being affectionate.
and not murdering each other.
This is the norm.
Ow.
Where you going? Going to the gas station to potty.
Just try the bucket chair, just to say you did it.
Why would I want to say that? Got to go, got to go, got to go-go-go.
Got to go, got to go, got to go! Got to go! Got to go! Got to go! Okay, I'm gonna go.
I'm going.
No, no, no.
No! No! Aah! Did you leave the lights on in my car last night? Uh, maybe.
Damn it! The battery's dead and the other cars are too full to drive! Ah, dat, dat, dat Baby's awake.
Hey, hon! Hi, pumpkin! Ah, oooh.
Ahh Boo-ya! Take a picture, it'll last longer! Hey! Wait! Hey, you! Technically, with my head just over the steering wheel, I can see a good part of the side view mirror from the reflection in my windshield that was reflecting off the empty aquarium in the passenger seat.
You need an unobstructed view.
And did I mention the reflection in the aquarium? Look, if you want to live out of your van, that's your business.
But don't drive it around.
I don't live in the van.
Actually, currently I live in the storage pod, which is a funny story.
Because I have termites, and You're still writing me that ticket.
Okay, well, that is good because it gives me another chance to practice my maturity and my ability to not get mad, even though I am now very late for work.
So thank you, all's dandy! * Pressure, pushing down on me * * Pressing down on you, no man ask for, under pressure * * That brings a building down * * Splits a family in two, puts people on streets * * Um ba ba be, um ba ba be * Two hundred dollars?! Where the hell am I going to get that kind of money, man? I mean I pay for food when I get hungry! I don't just get to go to the restaurant and eat for free because of some stupid badge on my shirt! Say what you want about me, but please don't disrespect the badge.
Why don't you use your badge to catch some real criminals? You idiot! You ridiculous, stupid idiot! Sir, pick that up, or I'll have to cite you for littering.
Littering? Seriously? You want to see littering? I'm gonna make it rain, bitch! Whoo! How you gonna give a ticket without your ticket book? You stupid beeaaa Well, I can't reach my parents, but, uh, my friend says she can pick me up around dinner.
So, do I just sit around here all day? Oh, no.
Since the state budget cuts, no one gets to just sit around.
You know, I'm just glad Hope wasn't there to see it.
I really lost my temper.
Right, you never want to let a child see you upset.
Exactly.
That's a whole thing we're working on at the house.
Well, kudos.
We made a point never to argue in front of Lucy.
Really? You never argued? I figured you guys argued a lot and that's what made Lucy violent.
Hey, ese, I found your underwear.
It's very important for a child's environment that the role models around them make a consistent and conspicuous effort to keep calm.
That's right, you don't wear underwear.
And here's your dirty diaper.
That's it! I'm done! Race war! Hit him, not me, estupido! And then he says, they never argued at all around Lucy, and she wasn't allowed to argue, either.
Which is probably why, later in life, when she had a conflict with someone, she stuck an ice-pick in their eye.
And neck.
And ear.
Man, I wish we'd taped that Geraldo special.
But the point is, - you have to let off steam.
- Right.
It's like when you stick a cork in one of those cartoon tea-kettles.
Yes.
You get fat, red, angry and explode.
I mean, that's what happened to me today.
If we're not careful, it'll happen to all of us.
Actually, I had a little bit of an incident myself today.
I might've lost my temper a little today, too.
I want a fish dog.
No onions, extra pickle.
Onions and pickle.
No onions.
Extra pickle.
On a fish dog.
Extra pickle.
No onions.
Hm? Ah.
Huh.
No onions, extra pickles? Virginia, I think I got yours! Yeah, I was embarrassed, but at the same time, I was pretty impressed that I still fit through the drive-thru window.
It's not that impressive, considering the first time you did it, you were pregnant with Jimmy.
You put any four people in a house together, and they're gonna argue a little.
When you throw in the fact that they do stupid things, over and over again, they're gonna argue a lot.
But the good thing about arguing is it lets you get out all the bad so you can make room for the good.
It's not that important whether or not you get mad, 'cause you're probably gonna.
What's important, is what you do afterwards.
So, you're gonna see us argue from time to time.
But you're also gonna see us laugh.
'Cause a lot of families might argue less than we do, but no family laughs more than we do.
And don't worry about all that serial killer stuff.
I don't think, deep down, anyone really thinks that you're gonna kill us.
Did you lock the bedroom door? Damn right, I did.
-DIFUNDE LA PALABRA-