Raising Hope s03e16 Episode Script

- Are you ready to laugh? - Yeah! Great! Well, before we get started, at least you should know what you're laughing at.
Here's what happened last week.
Barney wanted to impress his friends Jimmy and Sabrina with a trip to Los Angeles.
Do you think you could talk to Trevor about getting Hope an autograph? I can do better than that.
How about I call Trevor and get you tickets to see the show? So the Chances loaded up their truck and took a hilarious trip to Hollywood.
But when they got here, something unexpected happened.
Not again.
Come on, kid, that's your cue.
Give 'em the raspberry.
Drew Barrymore could've done this drunk at your age.
And that's when a star was born.
Who just did that? I can't believe it.
Hope's gonna be a star.
So now that you're all caught up, here we go! Oh, oh, oh! Here we go, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Hey! Congratulations! Hope's gonna be a star! Yay! All right, so, today she's got hair, wardrobe, an appointment with a personal trainer, and the insurance company wants her to tinkle in this for a drug test.
Urine, snot-- whatever we can squeeze out of her is all yours.
Why is the audience still here? Oh, yeah, we like to keep 'em here until they get agitated.
Then we unleash them on the Jerry Springer stage.
It's fun.
Anyway, we like to ask a member of the family to be an extra, to help the kid actors through the scenes.
Any of you want to be on the show? Yep.
Usually we ask the mother.
Oh, her real mother's dead.
Aw Oh, don't worry, she was a serial killer.
All right, then I guess Dad it is.
Just head over to wardrobe later and get your costume.
Yay! And don't forget to pee in the cup, okay? Any one of you can do it, as long as you're clean.
Hey, glad you guys could come.
Uh, these are my writers.
They come up with my insults now.
Not like back in the old days when Jimmy stood between me and this Natesville "ten.
" Hollywood "four.
" But don't worry, I'm all full of good will now.
Just like your closet, Jimmy.
Okay, you're lucky you're just a kid.
But in four more years, you're gonna be 18, and when you blow out those candles, you better wish for an ass-kicking, 'cause that's what you're gonna get! You don't stand a chance against me, Jimmy.
They love me-- I'm a big star that gets the Jonas Brothers' leftovers.
We're talking about relatively hot girls that'll kiss both American and French style.
"Your nose is so big, when you sneeze New Jersey has to evacuate its entire coastline.
" Come on, guys.
Too soon.
Barbara June.
Wh-Where do you think you're going? Oh, I'm-I'm on my way to the beach to get rid of Wilfred's ashes.
Oh, well, I better come with you.
You're wearing Crip colors, and west of Lincoln is Blood territory.
It's like you totally ignored all the advice in the travel brochures.
I'm not dumping Wilfred's ashes in the ocean.
I'm gonna throw them in the face of that whore he cheated on me with, and hope she chokes to death on them and burns in Hell.
Oh, plus, there's supposed to be a good taco place nearby for after.
You want to come? Well, I'm no stranger to betrayal.
Last week our strongest elf left my online role-playing clan right before we tried to take on the Dragon of Kjolnar.
Also, my wife constantly cheated on me.
So, you want to help me? Try and stop me.
That was a figure of speech.
What are you doing? Taking pictures of all this food.
The guys back at the pool supply store will never believe there's a pile of free bacon - as big as your head.
- Ooh, wait, let me put my head next to it for scale.
Now take a fistful of bacon and stuff it in your mouth to show that it's free.
- I'm out of film! I got to get more film! - Well, I saw a drugstore on the way in here.
I'll betcha they have more film.
Oh, and pick me up a toothbrush while you're out.
Maw Maw used mine last night, and I'm not sure what for.
Whoa it's all fake! Hollywood, you keep throwing me curveballs! Oh, my God.
You're not fake at all, are you? A real Nicaraguan pink dowager.
What are you doing so far from home? And you're a mess.
Nah I'll have you pruned up in no time.
What's that? No, no.
I'm from Natesville.
Okay, here's the deal.
When the old whore opens the door, you step back and I'll throw the ashes in her face.
Hello, I'm a woman.
Please don't call me "sir.
" I'm Barbara June Thompson.
I'm going to call you Beardface.
Is your grandmother home, Beardface? - Barbara June! Manners.
- It's a condition, and it's a lot more common than you might think.
So are razors.
We're not here for that.
I'm here looking for a skank by the name of Marienne Crabtree.
Shh! Wait a second.
Grandpa, why don't you go out to the garden.
Okay.
Look, I know why you're here.
I'm sorry if my grandmother slept with your husband or your boyfriend or broke your heart.
She was a huge whore; we all know it.
My grandfather doesn't need to hear it.
What do you mean she was a huge whore? With today's advances in lotions and jellies and creams, I'm sure she's still out there trampin' up the neighborhood.
Actually, she's dead.
I hope that brings you some comfort.
Well, I'm sorry you didn't get your closure, but, hey, look at the bright side-- she's dead and you get to move on.
Oh I'm making a move, all right-- on that old geezer.
She slept with my man! I'm gonna sleep with hers! Oh, you're quite mad, Barbara June.
But I can't say your laugh isn't a bit infectious.
Hey, you! Who told you you could mess with that bush? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be messing Wait a minute, why am I apologizing to a golfer? This bush has been severely neglected.
Whoever's in charge here should be ashamed of themselves.
Well, you've got a take-charge attitude.
We need more people like you.
So, what's this bush supposed to look like? Well, it's not really supposed to look I think it looks like a fat guy.
I love fat guys! They make me laugh.
Until they die young.
And then I'm sad.
You just made me laugh and cry.
You're a true artist.
Well, the art's already in there-- I just try to carve away the rest of the bush so you could see it.
Listen, the courtyard by the parking structure needs a makeover.
You come to my office tomorrow with a pitch-- and I don't mean this whole "fat guy" thing, I'm over that.
So you want me to "branch out"? That's funny! Not strong enough to end the scene on but funny.
All right, Hope, we need to try on some of these clothes I got ya! Whoa-whoa-whoa, we're working on Hope's craft.
Well, that's a waste of time.
Child stars go downhill no matter how good they act.
They could star in a Spielberg movie and still end up playing the nutty mom on some sitcom.
Trust me.
The real money is in product placement.
Alvin Klein? Dolce and Banana? Armenian Eagle? Well, they're knockoffs! We can't put her in the big brand names yet-- she hasn't popped.
Acting is about art.
It's not about shamelessly trying - to peddle a product.
- Yeah? Tell that to that Paul Newman guy.
He's in every aisle of the grocery store.
I think I even use his tampons.
So, the concept is a notorious playboy dies and can't get into Heaven, so he's got to go back to Earth and help couples find true love.
It's called Douche Angel.
No.
I loved it.
Plant Guy! You've got five minutes.
Okay, uh do you have a cassette player? No.
Oh.
Okay, uh I think the pitch'll still work without music.
Two, three, four Hey, two, three, four Plants, two, three, four Courtyard! Interesting.
It's like Glee but with plants.
Go on.
Two, three, four Okay.
What are you doing? We have to get Hope into wardrobe.
No.
We have to get Hope into Us Magazine, and this outfit is gonna do it.
You are gonna get her fired trying to sneak in your own product placement! She is an actor, not a race car.
Oh.
You had to play the race car.
I feel like an idiot in this costume.
It makes me look like a total Ass? Well, technically, my character is Dr.
Buttcrack, and apparently, I got my medical degree from Fartbutt State University.
- Mm.
- So, we ready to go? Excuse me? I don't think that I can wear this on TV.
That's fine with me.
Anyone else want to slip into this giant ass, get yourself on TV? - I'll do it! - Oh, no-no-no-no.
I'll do it.
Great, great, 'cause my buzz is wearing off and we only got two more hours with the kid.
All right, let's shoot this steaming pile of show business! Hello, I'm a woman.
Please don't oh.
I'm so sorry to bother you again but I felt guilty all day that my friend Barbara June came in here and dredged up the memories of your whorish grandmother.
A lovely woman such as yourself didn't deserve that.
Other than the milk company I sued over all those bull hormones, no one's ever apologized to me before.
I'm blushing.
I-It's hardly noticeable.
Would you like to come in for some tea? Oh, I'd like that very much.
And with a little rain and the warmth of the sun and of course, the finest manure Uh, we get it! We get it.
You know I've heard a lot of crappy pitches in my time, but I've never seen anyone bring in an actual bucket of feces.
Plant Guy, I'm disappointed that I have never heard a landscaping pitch this good before! Sold! Come on, let's hear it! "Bicycle Built for Two") Wow.
I haven't met many women who play.
I also play the slide whistle and the maracas.
Whoa.
So you manage a grocery store? That sounds exciting.
Well, what do you do? I'm a soup taster.
Oh, I have a cousin who tasted stews.
You're kidding? I would love to get into stews.
I'll send him your résumé.
Thanks.
And here I am in high school.
Oh.
Which cheerleader were you? Oh, no, I was the mascot.
The Burbank Billy Goat.
I was the first student in 20 years who didn't have to wear the costume head.
Push 'em back, push 'em back, way Ba-a-a-a-a-a-ack.
I've always found billy goats to have a quiet dignity.
You're a beautiful man, Barney.
It's been so long.
Now, I know you look like a big, fat butt, but are you gonna check my reflexes or what? Wait, that's not in the script.
Trevor likes to riff.
He's got a real talent for rhyming.
His first hip-hop album drops next week.
"Yo Grabba Ho.
" Cici, I heard you were sick.
Having a cold can be hard to kick.
Cici, are you out of whack? Just take a shot from Dr.
Buttcrack.
That's not in the script.
Trevor doesn't like it when other people improvise.
Hope likes to riff, too.
I don't think you heard me.
I said, Cici, are you out of whack? Just take a shot from Dr.
Buttcrack.
And cut! We're moving on.
Wait.
I still had another joke.
We're not gonna beat that.
Yo, yo, yo, Zappa Do.
Looks like Hope's the star, and you're number two.
You're a great kisser.
Thanks.
So are you.
Why don't we take this upstairs? Well, not the hottest sex I've ever had, but in this case, revenge is a dish best served cold.
What is she doing here? While he was distracting you, I was having revenge sex with your grandpa.
We put his adjustable bed into positions it never imagined.
You're a monster.
And you? That's what this was all about? I have to be honest.
I was supposed to be distracting you, but somewhere along the way, I realized for the first time in years I could get lucky.
Is that offer still on the table? You're both monsters.
You wanted to see my grandmother? I'll show her to you, up close.
Ugh.
Oh! N-No, no, no.
Ladies! Ladies, please! Ladies, please! Help! I left my inhaler in the car! Wow! I thought we were gonna have to bring in some hired guns for a major replant, but you nailed it.
I wouldn't change a flower.
Thank you, Mr.
President.
This is only the beginning.
Today a courtyard; tomorrow, a hedge maze.
Thursday, I rest because I'm human, but Friday, I'm back fresh with big ideas.
Whoa, whoa! Slow down, Plant Guy.
I love it, but I gotta make sure the people I sell my shows to enjoy this courtyard, too.
We'll see what the focus group thinks.
These are the presidents of all the major networks.
Burt, this is FOX, NBC, CBS, ABC.
Oh, and here's BET.
I know.
A white guy.
Go figure.
So, we all think this is perfect, right? It's really great.
It taps into the whole Zeitgeist of the modern courtyard.
I just wish it were a little more relatable to the 18-34 demo.
I was thinking the same thing.
Maybe something gluten-free.
My niece likes gluten-free.
Yo, the hedges is tight, but to really set it off, white boy should throw some daisies around that bitch.
You heard 'em, Burt.
More gluten-free, and do whatever the hell Joe just said.
I don't know how to tell you this, but nothing they just said makes any sense.
Let me give you a piece of advice, kid, you want to landscape in this town, you better play the game.
Look, I just want to make something I'm proud of that I know people will like.
With all this involvement and intrusion, I don't understand how you guys make so many fine movies and TV shows.
I-I'm going back to Natesville.
I-I don't care if living by the processing plant shaves 20 years off my life.
At least there I can make the kinds of gardens I believe in.
Which one of you is from NBC? That's for canceling My Name is Earl!" That was eight network presidents ago! I loved it! She's the next Meryl Streep.
What does Meryl Streep have? Does she have a handbag line? A Twitter account? She's never on TV.
How can you consider yourself a celebrity if you've never been on "Celebrity" anything? Cici, that's enough monkeying around.
It's time for me to make my wizard sound.
Yo Zappa Do! And cut! Hold places, get the girl out.
What's going on? Why are you taking Hope out? Oh, there's been a rewrite.
Hope's been replaced.
I was gonna tell you guys before, but I hate confrontation when I'm sober.
Is this because Sabrina was making changes to the script? You turned her into a billboard.
Nobody looks up to a billboard.
Okay, I know people literally look up to billboards.
You know what I meant.
It wasn't either of you.
Oh, I get it.
It's Jimmy's fault for sucking as an extra.
I've done everything they've asked! Uh, you guys weren't the problem, okay? I deal with crazy actors and their crazy families all the time.
The truth is you can behave as horribly as you want in show business.
The one thing you can't do is steal a star's thunder.
I've been in this business for eight months-- eight months-- and I've given way too much of my life away to lose my show to some one-trick pony who still wears pull-ups.
But she's such a hit with the fans.
I want her off the show, Stu.
Honestly, it's like you want me to post those pictures with you and that Asian transvestite.
Hope's already shot half the scenes.
You can't take her out of the show now.
It makes no sense.
This is a show about a kid who wears enchanted tap shoes whose gym teacher's a mermaid.
We are not concerned about logic.
And action! Damn.
It really is funnier with a monkey.
I was really hoping going to Hollywood would make our life more exciting.
I guess we're just doomed to be boring people forever.
Well, if you think about it, our lives are actually pretty exciting.
Hope was a TV star for a day.
That's true.
And I refused to compromise my art for fame and money.
I'm like like Actually, I can't think of anyone who's ever done that.
And although I'm not a real doctor, I did get to play one on TV.
I had revenge sex with an old guy while Barney made out with a bearded woman.
Barbara June! I got to second base with a bearded woman.
If you're gonna tell a story, tell it right.
It was a crazy trip.
Maybe our lives really are exciting.
You know, I think if someone filmed the stuff we do, it'd be fun to watch.
Yeah, I can see that.
I mean if you edited out all the boring parts, you know, like this stuff, where we're all just sitting around talking in the car.
Hmm.
Hah.
Look, somebody wrote "wash me" on that back of that dirty car.
"Gas, food, lodging, - Hmm.
- Huh.
That's a big cloud.