Reaper s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
Season 1 | Episode 01 Pilote (v.
1.
0) Don't, don't say anything.
But we have to Hey, Tiger! Look at you up early.
- Yeah, I just I got this meeting - Great! Happy birthday buddy! I'm gonna eat some breakfast.
Happy birthday! I love you so much! I want you to have a wonderful day.
No matter what happens.
OK, OK, mom.
- Right.
- Good.
Hey! The zombie's up before noon.
Hey! You're an idiot! Kyle, wish your brother's birthday? The guy's 21, lives with his parents, and wears an apron.
There's no happy in that birthday.
Don't tease your brother.
A fire broke out last night, killing a family of 4.
It's the 4th suspicious blaze in a week.
An arsonist, again, is suspected.
Hey, was that an envelope for Stanford that I saw yesterday? You heard from Stanford? - It was a rejection letter.
- Kyle, how is that possible? - Sam didn't even go to college! - Yes he did, Kyle.
- For a month! - We're very proud of him for trying.
It's just college made him sleepy.
Morning Mrs O, Mr O.
Birthday boy! Hey Kyle, guess what! Don't sweat Stanford, man.
Heard it's only the fourth best university in the US.
Is that right? You suck! No shame in community college, K-fed.
I almost went.
So, big birthday plans, boys? Oh no, nothing too crazy.
Come on Sam, you've got a You gotta go out there and cut loose! You're only this age once.
I like your thinking, Dad.
We all get in the car, go get some smack, kill a hooker in Vegas.
I mean patronize a hooker! And Vegas I'll never kill a hooker in Vegas! - I'll never kill a hooker.
- Dad, what the hell is going on? Nothing, nothing.
You just have a great day, Sam.
OK? A great day.
What was that? Think they still do it? Yeah, they do it.
All I'm saying is you better prepare for alcohol poisoning, all right? Nothing hospital grade, mind you.
Wear some puke resistant clothing.
We're getting silly tonight my man.
- We are going - To the Brick House where we always go.
No.
Why No! Do you think that's all I would plan for your big 21? No! God! Unless you want to go.
That was weird, right? My parents.
Mom and Dad Oliver? They're always weird.
I mean, my brother is right.
Didn't exactly stick it out in college.
- 'cause it made you sleepy.
- Well, yeah! That's true, but What I do when I dropped out? I came right here.
I've been here since I was sixteen.
Do we really wanna be here in 5 years? - Yes.
- Ten? Yes.
Because I'm going to eventually turn this into a topless Work Bench.
Would you rather buy insulation from somebody wearing clothes or somebody wearing no clothes? Is that weird? You're looking at me as if it's weird.
What? Holy crap! Look at that! Look at this dog, man! He's the best dog ever.
Maybe you wanna get out on my side.
No.
Hold on.
Hold on.
That was good.
- Wanna know what you can change? - No! - Yes.
- No.
Ask Andi out! Ask her out tonight, man.
Get her drunk, ask her to a movie.
The window is closed.
We're friends.
She just wants to be friends.
How do you know that? You never even try.
- I did but then her dad died.
- So? I mean, oh yeah, that's sad.
But so what? You don't do that.
You don't jump in after that.
- You'll look like a dick! - Two years ago, man.
She got over it.
She digs you, all right? Look.
She's smart, she's hot, she goes to college.
She works at a crap shack with loosers like me and you.
- Tells you what? Top of your head.
- She's got low standards? Exactly! Use that to your advantage before she figures it out.
She will.
I'm telling you.
Complaints about the bathrooms.
May I remind you that they are separeted by gender for a reason.
In the women's washroom, somebody left a massive Nice of you to join us.
Only 15 minutes late this time.
We're so honored.
Hey Oliver! Happy birthday.
Hey, thank you.
You won't be thanking me tonight when I'm hazing you like a sorority chick at your shindig.
Can you two zip it? I'm trying to hear Ted's important lecture.
As you can see, most of us are doing great in the sales contest.
Except for a select few who think their time is better spent constructing beer bogs.
Oh, if you're referring to me, Ted the head, I'm biding my time.
OK? Like a snake in the grass, ready to pounce.
That does'nt make any sense, what you just said.
And don't forget the winner receives a free 20 pounds spiral cut ham.
- I'm jewish, you jerk! - Or gifts certificate.
for our.
semitic and our muslim friends.
So go get them! Hey I got you a present.
Andi, you didn't have to do that.
Don't open it in front of me, OK? It gives me like a - Gift giving anxiety - All right.
I hope your day off is tomorrow, because you're gonna be hurting.
Oh no, no.
My day off is saturday.
What about you? My day off is saturday too.
Do you have any plans on saturday? Your day off.
I'm gonna be sitting in a library, working on apsych paper, being lame.
Right, no, I have got plans also.
Sleeping, waking up, getting dressed.
XBOX.
I need you to punch me in the face right now.
- What do you think you're doing? - I was We don't pay you to watch television, Sam.
and you're name tag is crooked.
- This attitude thing has gotta stop.
- Right.
Did sales contest for people like you, bud.
Right? It's not just about ham.
It's about self respect.
Can't just keep skateboarding thrugh life anymore.
It's not gonna cut it here, at the Bench.
OK? You're on notice, Sam.
- What was that? - Ted says I'm on notice.
So what? I live on notice.
What did you do? I don't know.
I was just watching this show that was really scary.
Yeah yeah those things will kill you.
Holy croak! Oh my! Did anybody see that? Did anybody see that? Can I get a Somebody say something! Oh my God! That was wicked, man! It's like when the baby's stuck under a car or a bus, the mom's pumped up with adrenaline and lifts it up over her head! You proved better than that thing, man! I didn't touch it! - What do you mean? - I didn't touch it.
That was too far away! It was too far away! It's like I moved it with my mind or something And that's not the first time this is happening today.
Something is really What the hell, man! You were supposed to move that with your mind.
Oh my God, Sam! Is this because of me? Sorry.
This is because of Sock.
You saved my life, you know that.
I mean, you're like Batman.
No, no.
I'm definitly not Batman, I I just think it was one of those weird adrenaline.
"Car mom" things.
- I don't know what that means.
- Yeah, neither do I.
Well, it was really brave, so thank you.
Yeah, and I Listen Andi.
Look, I know you're busy on saturday but I was just thinking maybe, you could This this is bad idea.
What? Andi, go.
OK.
Nice doggies.
Good, good doggies.
Sock, Sock! Help! Help! Help! Help! Sock! Buddy! Run, bitches! Run! Run, you measly lazy horde! Tell Ted I'm sick.
I'm going home.
Did you like that in there? That thing with the air conditioner You're like a hero now.
My gift to you.
Is this a carjack? Are you carjacking me? For this? If it was an Escalade, maybe.
- You can have the car.
- I don't want the car.
You can have the car, I just don't I'm not a carjacker.
I am the Devil.
Your name tag is crooked.
Hey, are you OK? Do you want me to call an ambulance? Sir Are you all right? Hey, Sammy! Dad what what are you doing? Waiting for you.
- You OK? - No.
I think I think I might be going insane.
Bad day.
Let see Got chased by a pack of dogs Moved an air conditioner with my mind Oh, and The Devil tried to carjack me so.
Overall Not a great day.
Sit down, Sam.
There is something I I have to tell you I I probably should have told you this a long time ago, I.
Before you were born, your mom and I sold your soul to the Devil.
- What? - I was really really sick, and He came to us and offered us a cure.
And in exchange He would take the soul of our first born when he turned 21.
Your mom and I thought "OK, that's fine.
We just won't have children.
Because if there is no first born, then there is no soul to take.
" About a year later, Dr.
Burke told me that I was infertile and we thought "That's great! Nothing to worry about.
" Right Except that as it turns out, old Dr.
Burke had a bit of a gambling problem and, Devil paid off his debts.
And, in exchange Doc had to tell this one little lie Next thing you know we're pregnant.
I'm so sorry, Sam, I I wish I could make you forgive me but How can you? We started whithout you, birthday boy! Bud, we are finishing with you 'cause you're buying.
Let's go.
I'm sure there was a cigarette butt in it.
- Need to talk to you now.
- Come on.
Where are you going? Don't you wanna hang out with us? Oh, shit.
- Just give me two seconds.
- Alright.
- Happy birthday Sam I am'.
- Thanks.
Can I get a round a shot for these degenerates here? On me.
Oh, look at me, I'm the big district attorney office chick buying all my friends free booze.
Look at me, I'm 25 year old, and I'm still living at my parents.
You know, I don't like you guys not all making out and stuff.
You were so cute together.
You shouldn't have broken.
Actually I had to, Andi.
Because I found out that she used to be a dude! I heard you used to be a dude too! But I heard that you had one time a friend.
I don't have to go to the bathroom, Sam.
I know, something happened.
Well yeah, I do have to go to the bathroom.
I have a problem.
I have a serious problem.
Okay.
Go.
Dude, seriously.
Stop looking at my junk.
All right.
Go.
My parents sold my soul to the devil.
- How drunk are you? - Totally sober.
- How drunk am I? - The dogs, the air conditionner, I mean I I believe this.
- You lucky bastard.
- What? Nothing cool like that never happens to me, man.
No, Sock, this isn't cool, it sucks! It doesn't suck! Whatcha talking about? You wanted some change.
Check it out, buddy! Wish granted.
You're the magic devil guy with the kung-fu mind grip now! - You gonna tell Andi? - No! She knows, she think I'm a freak.
- She'll never go out with me.
- You can make her go out with you.
All right.
I'm going home.
Just make some excuses, don't say anything, all right? Alright.
Leave out the devil thing, right? Well, that's really nice.
Not too gay at all.
Hey, look, I get it.
It's a big deal.
You didn't choose it.
Not fair.
Nobody's blaming you for freaking out.
Yes, sir.
Chicken fried steak.
Oooh.
I'm so glad I don't have arteries.
- Oh, do you want to try some? - No.
Do I have to - Do I have to go to hell now? - Now? No-no-no-no-no.
Not now.
You're gonna work for me here in the earthly realm.
Like kill people? You're a real pessimist.
Of course you won't be murdering anyone.
You're just gonna bring escaped souls, back to hell.
Like a bounty hunter.
That's cool, right? - You got any root beer? - Wai Wait a second.
So people can break out of hell? Yeah.
Yeah, that's a problem we've been having lately.
You know, with the overcrowding and so forth.
Honestly, we were hardly prepared for the influx.
I blame myself.
Oh, yeah.
But that's not your problem.
All you have to do, is track down fugitives and haul their asses over to a portal to hell.
- Easy! - What do you mean by portal? Well any place that seems like hell on earth is hell on earth.
Like the DMV on Union Street? Drop over a fugitive, renew your licence! I'm all about the perks.
Oh, my God! Kiddo, it's OK! I've seen how this all ends.
Don't worry.
God wins.
And you'll be doing humanity a favor by putting bad guys right back where they belong.
What would I have to do? There is your fugitive.
He broke out of hell after 50 years for arson.
All those little fires around town lately? - He set them.
- He's a fireman.
Well, he is now, yes.
But when he was alive, he was a big time firebug.
Can't you just taste the irony? No.
This upright citizen belongs in hell.
Oh, gag Look at that tool.
Will you capture him already? You want me to kill him? What's this obsession with murder? The guy's already dead! What do you want? How am I supposed to capture him? This will help.
A vessel.
Hand crafted in the bowels of perdition by the iniquitous and the vile.
Oh, I forgot.
You got 600 on your SAT.
I understand what it means, just I'm not doing this, OK? I'm not gonna be your stupid bounty hunter.
You will do it.
Or I'll take your mother.
You refuse to work for me, her soul becomes forfeit.
It's the lady or the tiger, Sammy.
You think about it.
Tape hand.
- Doesn't look evil.
- What do you mean? There's demon heads all over it.
Trust me it's from the devil.
It's evil.
Sam, there's no such thing as the devil, all right? I mean, the guy was probably just some homeless person.
He wasn't homeless.
He had a suit on! And he turned night into day, what about the telekinesis thing, tell him about it.
What telekinesis thing? Still working on that one.
Alright, cool.
Let's say you did meet Satan himself.
There's no way he owns you, cause there's no way another person can sell another person's soul.
- Why not? - Because all myths say God granted humans free will.
There's no way you can give away or sell another person's essence.
Just open it.
What? What? What is it? - It's a Dirt Devil.
- No, I take it back, Sam.
That's a really evil mini vac.
- That devil guy was - messing with you.
We sell those out at 15, I think.
That'll work.
What's the plan? Go over there Do the vacuum thing and see how that all works out? I love this plan.
Let's do it.
What do you think? What does that mean? - Now, Sam! - Let's get him, do it! Come on, turn the switch! - It's not working! - Do it now! Heads up! Ben's hurt! - Get up! - I'm gonna fade! I'm gonna fade! I can't feel my face! Go, Sam! Where were you? Gift shop.
Ben would want eyebrows.
Ben would want eyebrows, and he would want us to give them to him.
Say yes.
Just do it.
I should've gone alone.
What? Is Ben OK? How How did you know? - I called her.
- What happened? We were working on a project.
- What project? - Making napalm.
- What? - It's hard to explain, Andi.
- OK, well, try! - I can't really, I don't, you know - Sam, what aren't you telling me? - It's complicated! - What did you do? Is it your fault? - Yes Andi.
It's my fault, OK? I'm the loser who got Ben hurt, all right? Don't beat yourself up over that, man, you had to lie to her.
Look, she's got Ben covered.
I say you and I go and burn the fireman.
- I'm going alone, alright? - But, I can help, right? What did I just say? Stay away from me, alright? I'm going back to the firehouse and ending this.
Yeah.
This is David Thomson reporting for Channel 63.
As you can see behind us Come on, Mom.
Let's get you to bed.
I want to go instead.
You tell them to come for me.
Actually It's over.
I just had to do one thing for the guy, and now I'm done.
Everything is back to normal.
- You mean your soul - All mine! All right? So You don't have to feel bad, you and Dad can treat me like I'm normal, OK? OK.
OK! All right! I'm so happy.
'Night, Mom.
I love hockey.
Lots of aggression.
Tons of blood.
- Wanna guess what's my favorite team? - I can't do this.
I tried, too hard.
My friend got hurt, I lost the fireman.
You have the wrong guy! So you just take me to hell, or whatever.
I don't care.
No, it's not the way thing works, Sammy.
You've no use for me down here.
I'm not kicking ass up, you should find somebody else before the guy kills more.
You do this a lot, don't you? - Do what? - Give up.
Things get hard? Little Sammy takes the path of least resistance.
Fine.
I'm a failure.
I tell you what.
Before you throw in the towel, why don't you do some investigating first.
Look for motivations.
Why does the fireman do what he does? Who cares? Why burn down anything? He already did that when he was alive.
Exactly! Why? Like I said.
Hold on a minute.
Don't feel bad.
He was a terrible person.
Drinker.
Wife beater.
He didn't fulfill his contract either.
But I think you're on the right track, Sammy.
I feel very good about this.
Word of caution.
I don't accept failure.
Ever.
Sock! Hey, Sock! I'm an asshat.
Yes, you are.
So, we're cool? Yeah.
All right.
- When do we throw down with fireboy? - Let's take a walk.
Devil doesn't want to help you, why do you care? Because people are dying, Sock! If you don't know 'em, does it matter? Alright, listen.
Do you remember Ricky Shermer? Yeah, from high school, he set the gym on fire.
Seven times.
He kept going back, over and over.
I know.
Like I was nuts, I loved that guy.
So I start thinking, why did Ricky keep burning the same place? 'Cause he was afraid of the gym showers.
No.
No, because they kept rebuilding it.
Right.
But, FYI, Ricky was totally afraid or the gym showers.
I think the fireman might be burning the same places he burned 50 years ago.
We need to find out who he was when he was alive.
- All right.
- Yeah, we need it.
Access to records.
Cool.
OK.
Criminal records.
- You're evil.
- I've heard.
I can't believe you came to my work! I can't believe you never come to mine.
Don't you need a battery - or Roomba or somethin'? - I need a restraining order.
What part of "I don't wanna see you"? don't you understand? Nobody's prouder than me that you stopped having sex for money, Josie.
I just wish you'd stop with all the shoplifting.
Right! You know, all those arsons around town? Think they're maybe connected to fires 50 years ago.
We need you to look up the names, it's not illegal.
Probably not illegal.
I'm a sworn officer of the court, I took an oath to uphold the law.
That's funny.
Because 90% of the stuff we did in the parking lot of this courthouse is illegal in twelve states.
Oh, God! Do you know what I would magnify with this thing? I'd make my ass my letterhead.
Maybe you could look up the addresses, see if any of the places burned before.
Last was a fire station in Bellevue.
Please check, if I'm wrong, we'll go.
You'll never see us again.
- I'm not promising that.
- For you, not for him.
Same station was set on fire in 1950.
But the fire was put out before any damage was done.
What who? Ned Schmecker.
He tried to burn down a school.
His ex-girlfriend's.
All unsuccessfully until the last one.
When he died in a fire he set at his parents' house.
Probably killed himself 'cause his name was Schmecker.
All the places that Schmecker burned down? They're the same places that the arsonist burned down last week.
- I think you're right about this.
- Has every place been torched already? No, the parents' house hasn't been touched.
But, it looks like it's not a house any more.
It's an elementary school.
We gotta go.
- We gotta get to the school right now! - One stop.
- What? No, what stop? - This time, we gonna be ready.
Yeah! You look tasty.
We're gonna get killed.
What? We're gonna get killed! Why? This thing still doesn't work! Maybe we need to get some batteries for it.
No.
It doesn't use batteries, it uses a recharger.
Is it ready? Is it ready? No.
Fire truck's in here.
Ned Schmecker! Meet the Schmecker Checkers! Nice! - He can't flame up.
It worked! - Of course it works, we're pimps! - We are, aren't we? - Look at how we dressed! Didn't even need this! No, wait.
Wait, wait! So, what do you You use free weights? You work out? What do you bench? Like 240? Sam! Sam, are you doin' this? Sam, you're doin' it! Yes! Yes! Biatch! You are Neo, you're the one! Eat it, heat miser! I've never been so attracted to a man in my life! That's not what I meant.
I'm pretty sure I wet my pants.
DMV.
This is the portal? Hell on earth.
Right.
Which one do we go to? Right there.
Fugitive transfer? Er yes.
- I think so.
- Place the vessel on the mat.
Never seen one of these before.
Have a nice day! Wait, wait So, they're not all little vacuums? The boss gives you the vessel he thinks you can handle.
You must be a real moron! DMV! Have a nice day.
You're still mad.
Yeah, right.
Of course you are.
I snapped at you like a jerk at the hospital.
Look I'm really sorry.
OK? And I understand if you don't wanna talk to me any more, but I really hope you'll 'cause my life would suck more if we weren't friends.
Look, I know it was a horrible day.
It's alright - Haven't wrecked it yet.
- Oh, good.
- What does this symbol mean? - It's says "bola".
It's Sanskrit for "strength".
I dunno how but I thought of you.
And, by the way, I don't think you're a loser, Sam.
I like you.
I love working with you guys.
You know, ever since my dad died My job is the best thing in my life, is all I'm saying.
Pathetic, right? Nothing about you is pathetic, Andi.
That was such a tender moment.
For real.
Can I talk to you for a seconde? Just you please OK? What is wrong with you? She's adorable! So sweet! - Stay away from her, I swear to God - Swear to who? Like I play in the kiddie pool.
Sam, I just want to congratulate you.
Great job with the arsonist.
You'll be happy to know he's back where he belongs.
Getting his nuts burned off for eternity.
Who's the hero, huh? - Yeah - You're the hero, man! Pat yourself on the back! I have a present for you.
A vessel for the next fugitive.
So, I'll have to do this forever.
Well, yeah! Well, I mean, technically not forever.
You're done when you die, right? Come on, I just bought a bunch of crap and gave you the sale.
For the contest.
You gonna win that ham, man.
That was nice! I can be nice! I'm not really a ham guy, but this is pretty good.
That's because it's a victory ham.
You sent a monster back to hell, buddy.
- I did.
- The ham tastes better because it's the spoils of victory.
Plus it's glazed.
- You like that? Glazed? Funny, right? - No, it's just It's like My mom and dad sold my soul to the devil.
And I'm his indentured servant.
How crazy is that? My dad forgot to pick me up from a sleep away camp for 3 days.
- Hardly the same thing, Sock.
- Camp was over, Sam.
How sad is that? Anyway, you can blow the whole thing off if you want to.
Just tell the devil to eat it.
If you don't wanna do something, don't do it.
No, but I think I do.
I think I want to.
After all this, it's like I I feel like a grown-up.
Kinda.
I mean kinda, I feel responsible now.
We'll help you, Sam.
Thanks, buddy.
1.
0) Don't, don't say anything.
But we have to Hey, Tiger! Look at you up early.
- Yeah, I just I got this meeting - Great! Happy birthday buddy! I'm gonna eat some breakfast.
Happy birthday! I love you so much! I want you to have a wonderful day.
No matter what happens.
OK, OK, mom.
- Right.
- Good.
Hey! The zombie's up before noon.
Hey! You're an idiot! Kyle, wish your brother's birthday? The guy's 21, lives with his parents, and wears an apron.
There's no happy in that birthday.
Don't tease your brother.
A fire broke out last night, killing a family of 4.
It's the 4th suspicious blaze in a week.
An arsonist, again, is suspected.
Hey, was that an envelope for Stanford that I saw yesterday? You heard from Stanford? - It was a rejection letter.
- Kyle, how is that possible? - Sam didn't even go to college! - Yes he did, Kyle.
- For a month! - We're very proud of him for trying.
It's just college made him sleepy.
Morning Mrs O, Mr O.
Birthday boy! Hey Kyle, guess what! Don't sweat Stanford, man.
Heard it's only the fourth best university in the US.
Is that right? You suck! No shame in community college, K-fed.
I almost went.
So, big birthday plans, boys? Oh no, nothing too crazy.
Come on Sam, you've got a You gotta go out there and cut loose! You're only this age once.
I like your thinking, Dad.
We all get in the car, go get some smack, kill a hooker in Vegas.
I mean patronize a hooker! And Vegas I'll never kill a hooker in Vegas! - I'll never kill a hooker.
- Dad, what the hell is going on? Nothing, nothing.
You just have a great day, Sam.
OK? A great day.
What was that? Think they still do it? Yeah, they do it.
All I'm saying is you better prepare for alcohol poisoning, all right? Nothing hospital grade, mind you.
Wear some puke resistant clothing.
We're getting silly tonight my man.
- We are going - To the Brick House where we always go.
No.
Why No! Do you think that's all I would plan for your big 21? No! God! Unless you want to go.
That was weird, right? My parents.
Mom and Dad Oliver? They're always weird.
I mean, my brother is right.
Didn't exactly stick it out in college.
- 'cause it made you sleepy.
- Well, yeah! That's true, but What I do when I dropped out? I came right here.
I've been here since I was sixteen.
Do we really wanna be here in 5 years? - Yes.
- Ten? Yes.
Because I'm going to eventually turn this into a topless Work Bench.
Would you rather buy insulation from somebody wearing clothes or somebody wearing no clothes? Is that weird? You're looking at me as if it's weird.
What? Holy crap! Look at that! Look at this dog, man! He's the best dog ever.
Maybe you wanna get out on my side.
No.
Hold on.
Hold on.
That was good.
- Wanna know what you can change? - No! - Yes.
- No.
Ask Andi out! Ask her out tonight, man.
Get her drunk, ask her to a movie.
The window is closed.
We're friends.
She just wants to be friends.
How do you know that? You never even try.
- I did but then her dad died.
- So? I mean, oh yeah, that's sad.
But so what? You don't do that.
You don't jump in after that.
- You'll look like a dick! - Two years ago, man.
She got over it.
She digs you, all right? Look.
She's smart, she's hot, she goes to college.
She works at a crap shack with loosers like me and you.
- Tells you what? Top of your head.
- She's got low standards? Exactly! Use that to your advantage before she figures it out.
She will.
I'm telling you.
Complaints about the bathrooms.
May I remind you that they are separeted by gender for a reason.
In the women's washroom, somebody left a massive Nice of you to join us.
Only 15 minutes late this time.
We're so honored.
Hey Oliver! Happy birthday.
Hey, thank you.
You won't be thanking me tonight when I'm hazing you like a sorority chick at your shindig.
Can you two zip it? I'm trying to hear Ted's important lecture.
As you can see, most of us are doing great in the sales contest.
Except for a select few who think their time is better spent constructing beer bogs.
Oh, if you're referring to me, Ted the head, I'm biding my time.
OK? Like a snake in the grass, ready to pounce.
That does'nt make any sense, what you just said.
And don't forget the winner receives a free 20 pounds spiral cut ham.
- I'm jewish, you jerk! - Or gifts certificate.
for our.
semitic and our muslim friends.
So go get them! Hey I got you a present.
Andi, you didn't have to do that.
Don't open it in front of me, OK? It gives me like a - Gift giving anxiety - All right.
I hope your day off is tomorrow, because you're gonna be hurting.
Oh no, no.
My day off is saturday.
What about you? My day off is saturday too.
Do you have any plans on saturday? Your day off.
I'm gonna be sitting in a library, working on apsych paper, being lame.
Right, no, I have got plans also.
Sleeping, waking up, getting dressed.
XBOX.
I need you to punch me in the face right now.
- What do you think you're doing? - I was We don't pay you to watch television, Sam.
and you're name tag is crooked.
- This attitude thing has gotta stop.
- Right.
Did sales contest for people like you, bud.
Right? It's not just about ham.
It's about self respect.
Can't just keep skateboarding thrugh life anymore.
It's not gonna cut it here, at the Bench.
OK? You're on notice, Sam.
- What was that? - Ted says I'm on notice.
So what? I live on notice.
What did you do? I don't know.
I was just watching this show that was really scary.
Yeah yeah those things will kill you.
Holy croak! Oh my! Did anybody see that? Did anybody see that? Can I get a Somebody say something! Oh my God! That was wicked, man! It's like when the baby's stuck under a car or a bus, the mom's pumped up with adrenaline and lifts it up over her head! You proved better than that thing, man! I didn't touch it! - What do you mean? - I didn't touch it.
That was too far away! It was too far away! It's like I moved it with my mind or something And that's not the first time this is happening today.
Something is really What the hell, man! You were supposed to move that with your mind.
Oh my God, Sam! Is this because of me? Sorry.
This is because of Sock.
You saved my life, you know that.
I mean, you're like Batman.
No, no.
I'm definitly not Batman, I I just think it was one of those weird adrenaline.
"Car mom" things.
- I don't know what that means.
- Yeah, neither do I.
Well, it was really brave, so thank you.
Yeah, and I Listen Andi.
Look, I know you're busy on saturday but I was just thinking maybe, you could This this is bad idea.
What? Andi, go.
OK.
Nice doggies.
Good, good doggies.
Sock, Sock! Help! Help! Help! Help! Sock! Buddy! Run, bitches! Run! Run, you measly lazy horde! Tell Ted I'm sick.
I'm going home.
Did you like that in there? That thing with the air conditioner You're like a hero now.
My gift to you.
Is this a carjack? Are you carjacking me? For this? If it was an Escalade, maybe.
- You can have the car.
- I don't want the car.
You can have the car, I just don't I'm not a carjacker.
I am the Devil.
Your name tag is crooked.
Hey, are you OK? Do you want me to call an ambulance? Sir Are you all right? Hey, Sammy! Dad what what are you doing? Waiting for you.
- You OK? - No.
I think I think I might be going insane.
Bad day.
Let see Got chased by a pack of dogs Moved an air conditioner with my mind Oh, and The Devil tried to carjack me so.
Overall Not a great day.
Sit down, Sam.
There is something I I have to tell you I I probably should have told you this a long time ago, I.
Before you were born, your mom and I sold your soul to the Devil.
- What? - I was really really sick, and He came to us and offered us a cure.
And in exchange He would take the soul of our first born when he turned 21.
Your mom and I thought "OK, that's fine.
We just won't have children.
Because if there is no first born, then there is no soul to take.
" About a year later, Dr.
Burke told me that I was infertile and we thought "That's great! Nothing to worry about.
" Right Except that as it turns out, old Dr.
Burke had a bit of a gambling problem and, Devil paid off his debts.
And, in exchange Doc had to tell this one little lie Next thing you know we're pregnant.
I'm so sorry, Sam, I I wish I could make you forgive me but How can you? We started whithout you, birthday boy! Bud, we are finishing with you 'cause you're buying.
Let's go.
I'm sure there was a cigarette butt in it.
- Need to talk to you now.
- Come on.
Where are you going? Don't you wanna hang out with us? Oh, shit.
- Just give me two seconds.
- Alright.
- Happy birthday Sam I am'.
- Thanks.
Can I get a round a shot for these degenerates here? On me.
Oh, look at me, I'm the big district attorney office chick buying all my friends free booze.
Look at me, I'm 25 year old, and I'm still living at my parents.
You know, I don't like you guys not all making out and stuff.
You were so cute together.
You shouldn't have broken.
Actually I had to, Andi.
Because I found out that she used to be a dude! I heard you used to be a dude too! But I heard that you had one time a friend.
I don't have to go to the bathroom, Sam.
I know, something happened.
Well yeah, I do have to go to the bathroom.
I have a problem.
I have a serious problem.
Okay.
Go.
Dude, seriously.
Stop looking at my junk.
All right.
Go.
My parents sold my soul to the devil.
- How drunk are you? - Totally sober.
- How drunk am I? - The dogs, the air conditionner, I mean I I believe this.
- You lucky bastard.
- What? Nothing cool like that never happens to me, man.
No, Sock, this isn't cool, it sucks! It doesn't suck! Whatcha talking about? You wanted some change.
Check it out, buddy! Wish granted.
You're the magic devil guy with the kung-fu mind grip now! - You gonna tell Andi? - No! She knows, she think I'm a freak.
- She'll never go out with me.
- You can make her go out with you.
All right.
I'm going home.
Just make some excuses, don't say anything, all right? Alright.
Leave out the devil thing, right? Well, that's really nice.
Not too gay at all.
Hey, look, I get it.
It's a big deal.
You didn't choose it.
Not fair.
Nobody's blaming you for freaking out.
Yes, sir.
Chicken fried steak.
Oooh.
I'm so glad I don't have arteries.
- Oh, do you want to try some? - No.
Do I have to - Do I have to go to hell now? - Now? No-no-no-no-no.
Not now.
You're gonna work for me here in the earthly realm.
Like kill people? You're a real pessimist.
Of course you won't be murdering anyone.
You're just gonna bring escaped souls, back to hell.
Like a bounty hunter.
That's cool, right? - You got any root beer? - Wai Wait a second.
So people can break out of hell? Yeah.
Yeah, that's a problem we've been having lately.
You know, with the overcrowding and so forth.
Honestly, we were hardly prepared for the influx.
I blame myself.
Oh, yeah.
But that's not your problem.
All you have to do, is track down fugitives and haul their asses over to a portal to hell.
- Easy! - What do you mean by portal? Well any place that seems like hell on earth is hell on earth.
Like the DMV on Union Street? Drop over a fugitive, renew your licence! I'm all about the perks.
Oh, my God! Kiddo, it's OK! I've seen how this all ends.
Don't worry.
God wins.
And you'll be doing humanity a favor by putting bad guys right back where they belong.
What would I have to do? There is your fugitive.
He broke out of hell after 50 years for arson.
All those little fires around town lately? - He set them.
- He's a fireman.
Well, he is now, yes.
But when he was alive, he was a big time firebug.
Can't you just taste the irony? No.
This upright citizen belongs in hell.
Oh, gag Look at that tool.
Will you capture him already? You want me to kill him? What's this obsession with murder? The guy's already dead! What do you want? How am I supposed to capture him? This will help.
A vessel.
Hand crafted in the bowels of perdition by the iniquitous and the vile.
Oh, I forgot.
You got 600 on your SAT.
I understand what it means, just I'm not doing this, OK? I'm not gonna be your stupid bounty hunter.
You will do it.
Or I'll take your mother.
You refuse to work for me, her soul becomes forfeit.
It's the lady or the tiger, Sammy.
You think about it.
Tape hand.
- Doesn't look evil.
- What do you mean? There's demon heads all over it.
Trust me it's from the devil.
It's evil.
Sam, there's no such thing as the devil, all right? I mean, the guy was probably just some homeless person.
He wasn't homeless.
He had a suit on! And he turned night into day, what about the telekinesis thing, tell him about it.
What telekinesis thing? Still working on that one.
Alright, cool.
Let's say you did meet Satan himself.
There's no way he owns you, cause there's no way another person can sell another person's soul.
- Why not? - Because all myths say God granted humans free will.
There's no way you can give away or sell another person's essence.
Just open it.
What? What? What is it? - It's a Dirt Devil.
- No, I take it back, Sam.
That's a really evil mini vac.
- That devil guy was - messing with you.
We sell those out at 15, I think.
That'll work.
What's the plan? Go over there Do the vacuum thing and see how that all works out? I love this plan.
Let's do it.
What do you think? What does that mean? - Now, Sam! - Let's get him, do it! Come on, turn the switch! - It's not working! - Do it now! Heads up! Ben's hurt! - Get up! - I'm gonna fade! I'm gonna fade! I can't feel my face! Go, Sam! Where were you? Gift shop.
Ben would want eyebrows.
Ben would want eyebrows, and he would want us to give them to him.
Say yes.
Just do it.
I should've gone alone.
What? Is Ben OK? How How did you know? - I called her.
- What happened? We were working on a project.
- What project? - Making napalm.
- What? - It's hard to explain, Andi.
- OK, well, try! - I can't really, I don't, you know - Sam, what aren't you telling me? - It's complicated! - What did you do? Is it your fault? - Yes Andi.
It's my fault, OK? I'm the loser who got Ben hurt, all right? Don't beat yourself up over that, man, you had to lie to her.
Look, she's got Ben covered.
I say you and I go and burn the fireman.
- I'm going alone, alright? - But, I can help, right? What did I just say? Stay away from me, alright? I'm going back to the firehouse and ending this.
Yeah.
This is David Thomson reporting for Channel 63.
As you can see behind us Come on, Mom.
Let's get you to bed.
I want to go instead.
You tell them to come for me.
Actually It's over.
I just had to do one thing for the guy, and now I'm done.
Everything is back to normal.
- You mean your soul - All mine! All right? So You don't have to feel bad, you and Dad can treat me like I'm normal, OK? OK.
OK! All right! I'm so happy.
'Night, Mom.
I love hockey.
Lots of aggression.
Tons of blood.
- Wanna guess what's my favorite team? - I can't do this.
I tried, too hard.
My friend got hurt, I lost the fireman.
You have the wrong guy! So you just take me to hell, or whatever.
I don't care.
No, it's not the way thing works, Sammy.
You've no use for me down here.
I'm not kicking ass up, you should find somebody else before the guy kills more.
You do this a lot, don't you? - Do what? - Give up.
Things get hard? Little Sammy takes the path of least resistance.
Fine.
I'm a failure.
I tell you what.
Before you throw in the towel, why don't you do some investigating first.
Look for motivations.
Why does the fireman do what he does? Who cares? Why burn down anything? He already did that when he was alive.
Exactly! Why? Like I said.
Hold on a minute.
Don't feel bad.
He was a terrible person.
Drinker.
Wife beater.
He didn't fulfill his contract either.
But I think you're on the right track, Sammy.
I feel very good about this.
Word of caution.
I don't accept failure.
Ever.
Sock! Hey, Sock! I'm an asshat.
Yes, you are.
So, we're cool? Yeah.
All right.
- When do we throw down with fireboy? - Let's take a walk.
Devil doesn't want to help you, why do you care? Because people are dying, Sock! If you don't know 'em, does it matter? Alright, listen.
Do you remember Ricky Shermer? Yeah, from high school, he set the gym on fire.
Seven times.
He kept going back, over and over.
I know.
Like I was nuts, I loved that guy.
So I start thinking, why did Ricky keep burning the same place? 'Cause he was afraid of the gym showers.
No.
No, because they kept rebuilding it.
Right.
But, FYI, Ricky was totally afraid or the gym showers.
I think the fireman might be burning the same places he burned 50 years ago.
We need to find out who he was when he was alive.
- All right.
- Yeah, we need it.
Access to records.
Cool.
OK.
Criminal records.
- You're evil.
- I've heard.
I can't believe you came to my work! I can't believe you never come to mine.
Don't you need a battery - or Roomba or somethin'? - I need a restraining order.
What part of "I don't wanna see you"? don't you understand? Nobody's prouder than me that you stopped having sex for money, Josie.
I just wish you'd stop with all the shoplifting.
Right! You know, all those arsons around town? Think they're maybe connected to fires 50 years ago.
We need you to look up the names, it's not illegal.
Probably not illegal.
I'm a sworn officer of the court, I took an oath to uphold the law.
That's funny.
Because 90% of the stuff we did in the parking lot of this courthouse is illegal in twelve states.
Oh, God! Do you know what I would magnify with this thing? I'd make my ass my letterhead.
Maybe you could look up the addresses, see if any of the places burned before.
Last was a fire station in Bellevue.
Please check, if I'm wrong, we'll go.
You'll never see us again.
- I'm not promising that.
- For you, not for him.
Same station was set on fire in 1950.
But the fire was put out before any damage was done.
What who? Ned Schmecker.
He tried to burn down a school.
His ex-girlfriend's.
All unsuccessfully until the last one.
When he died in a fire he set at his parents' house.
Probably killed himself 'cause his name was Schmecker.
All the places that Schmecker burned down? They're the same places that the arsonist burned down last week.
- I think you're right about this.
- Has every place been torched already? No, the parents' house hasn't been touched.
But, it looks like it's not a house any more.
It's an elementary school.
We gotta go.
- We gotta get to the school right now! - One stop.
- What? No, what stop? - This time, we gonna be ready.
Yeah! You look tasty.
We're gonna get killed.
What? We're gonna get killed! Why? This thing still doesn't work! Maybe we need to get some batteries for it.
No.
It doesn't use batteries, it uses a recharger.
Is it ready? Is it ready? No.
Fire truck's in here.
Ned Schmecker! Meet the Schmecker Checkers! Nice! - He can't flame up.
It worked! - Of course it works, we're pimps! - We are, aren't we? - Look at how we dressed! Didn't even need this! No, wait.
Wait, wait! So, what do you You use free weights? You work out? What do you bench? Like 240? Sam! Sam, are you doin' this? Sam, you're doin' it! Yes! Yes! Biatch! You are Neo, you're the one! Eat it, heat miser! I've never been so attracted to a man in my life! That's not what I meant.
I'm pretty sure I wet my pants.
DMV.
This is the portal? Hell on earth.
Right.
Which one do we go to? Right there.
Fugitive transfer? Er yes.
- I think so.
- Place the vessel on the mat.
Never seen one of these before.
Have a nice day! Wait, wait So, they're not all little vacuums? The boss gives you the vessel he thinks you can handle.
You must be a real moron! DMV! Have a nice day.
You're still mad.
Yeah, right.
Of course you are.
I snapped at you like a jerk at the hospital.
Look I'm really sorry.
OK? And I understand if you don't wanna talk to me any more, but I really hope you'll 'cause my life would suck more if we weren't friends.
Look, I know it was a horrible day.
It's alright - Haven't wrecked it yet.
- Oh, good.
- What does this symbol mean? - It's says "bola".
It's Sanskrit for "strength".
I dunno how but I thought of you.
And, by the way, I don't think you're a loser, Sam.
I like you.
I love working with you guys.
You know, ever since my dad died My job is the best thing in my life, is all I'm saying.
Pathetic, right? Nothing about you is pathetic, Andi.
That was such a tender moment.
For real.
Can I talk to you for a seconde? Just you please OK? What is wrong with you? She's adorable! So sweet! - Stay away from her, I swear to God - Swear to who? Like I play in the kiddie pool.
Sam, I just want to congratulate you.
Great job with the arsonist.
You'll be happy to know he's back where he belongs.
Getting his nuts burned off for eternity.
Who's the hero, huh? - Yeah - You're the hero, man! Pat yourself on the back! I have a present for you.
A vessel for the next fugitive.
So, I'll have to do this forever.
Well, yeah! Well, I mean, technically not forever.
You're done when you die, right? Come on, I just bought a bunch of crap and gave you the sale.
For the contest.
You gonna win that ham, man.
That was nice! I can be nice! I'm not really a ham guy, but this is pretty good.
That's because it's a victory ham.
You sent a monster back to hell, buddy.
- I did.
- The ham tastes better because it's the spoils of victory.
Plus it's glazed.
- You like that? Glazed? Funny, right? - No, it's just It's like My mom and dad sold my soul to the devil.
And I'm his indentured servant.
How crazy is that? My dad forgot to pick me up from a sleep away camp for 3 days.
- Hardly the same thing, Sock.
- Camp was over, Sam.
How sad is that? Anyway, you can blow the whole thing off if you want to.
Just tell the devil to eat it.
If you don't wanna do something, don't do it.
No, but I think I do.
I think I want to.
After all this, it's like I I feel like a grown-up.
Kinda.
I mean kinda, I feel responsible now.
We'll help you, Sam.
Thanks, buddy.