Reaper s01e16 Episode Script

seriously, man.
you gonna need park your car.
get??? andy.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED-- SOME OLD-SCHOOL ELEGANCE.
TAKE THE CADDY.
I ALREADY GOT A CAR.
YEAH.
YOU HAVE A HYBRID,WHICH IS FINE FOR SAVING THE EARTH, BUT IF YOU WANNA MAKE THE EARTH MOVE, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED.
YOU NEED A MAHOGANY DASH, ALL RIGHT? YOU NEED THOSE TWIN-TUBE SHOCKS, SMOOTH RIDE ALL THE WAY HOME.
YOU NEED THAT EXPANSIVE BACK SEAT THAT IS GONNA CRADLE YOU AND YOUR LADY LIKE A SOFT, VELVETY WOMB AND NEVER, EVER, EVER LET GO.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
GIVE ME THE KEYS.
WISE CHOICE, MY FRIEND.
HEY, BE A PAL.
FILL HER UP.
SHE'S ON "E.
" WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
SOCK, IT COULD COST, LIKE, 80 BUCKS TO FILL UP YOUR TANK.
HOW CAN YOU TALK TO ME ABOUT MONEY RIGHT NOW, SAM? THIS VEHICLE IS A LUXURIOUS TRIP BACK TO A SIMPLER TIME WHEN AMERICA WAS NUMBER ONE REVEL IN IT.
FILL IT UP.
PREMIUM.
OK, BUT--OK, WHAT IS THE SCARIEST SOUL YOU'VE EVER CAPTURED? BUG LADY WAS PRETTY CREEPY.
HMM? YEAH.
REALLY? UM, COME ON.
WORSE THAN THE CANNIBAL? DO WE REALLY HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW? WELL, I MEAN, I KNOW IT'S OLD NEWS TO YOU, BUT THIS IS EXCITING FOR ME.
SO WHAT KIND OF VESSEL DID YOU USE FOR THE BUG LADY? UM, DEFECTIVE TOASTER.
- YEAH.
- THAT IS SO HOT.
MMM.
HOLD ON.
DID YOU HEAR THAT? WH--HEAR WHAT? I SWEAR I HEARD SOMETHING.
HELLO! SAM, GET THE LIGHTS.
HOLY CRAP.
OK, SAM, DO YOU HAVE A VESSEL? I DO NOT.
OK, WELL, START THE CAR.
START THE CAR! SAM, HURRY! OK, OK.
SAM, OH, MY GOD, PLEASE START THE CAR.
PLEASE START THE CAR.
HE'S COMING AROUND.
OK, ANDI-- SAM! SAM! WHAAH! WHAAH! SAM! WATCH OUT, SAM! WATCH OUT! GO! GO! I'M SO SORRY, SOCK.
I SHOULD'VE TAKEN MY OWN CAR.
YOU'D BE DEAD IF YOU WERE IN THAT TREE HUGGER, OK? GOOD OLD AMERICA.
SO A CHAIN SAW, HUH? WAS IT BOLTED TO HIS WRIST LIKE ASH FROM EVIL DEAD? NO.
HE WAS JUST HOLDING IT.
WAS HIS FACE MADE UP OF HUMAN SKIN LIKE IN THE TEXAS CHAINSAW? BEN, EVERYBODY'S FACE IS MADE OF HUMAN SKIN.
Sock: THAT IS TRUE.
HELLO, DARLING.
HEY.
HI, GUYS.
UM, I DON'T WANT TO BE A NOODGE ABOUT THIS, BUT, UM, YOU LEFT THE HOUSE WITHOUT MAKING THE BED THIS MORNING, SO AGAIN-- BUT I DON'T EVEN SLEEP IN THE BED.
I SLEEP ON A YOGA MAT IN THE KITCHEN.
AND I VERY NEARLY TRIPPED OVER THAT.
SO IF YOU COULD BE A LITTLE DOVE AND JUST CLEAR UP AFTER YOURSELF A BIT MORE, IT'D BE GREAT.
HMM.
LOVE YOU.
BYE, GUYS.
BYE.
BYE.
BYE.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU WANT THIS? OH, THAT'S SO SWEET, THE NEWLY MARRIED, SO FRESH AND EXCITING, SO NEW-- OK.
OK, OK.
SAM, ARE YOU SURE THE DEVIL DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT AN ESCAPED SOUL WITH A CHAIN SAW? I HAVEN'T EVEN TALKED TO HIM.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I, FOR ONE,AM NOT GOING TO STAND BY AND WITNESS THIS DESECRATION OF THE SOCKMOBILE GO UNPUNISHED.
SOMEONE WILL PAY.
WHAT'S THIS? THAT IS A REPAIR ESTIMATE FOR MY CAR.
IT SEEMS PRICEY, BUT SHE'S A CADDY.
I ONLY TRUST THE DEALERSHIP.
A SOUL CAME AFTER ME LAST NIGHT, AND I KINDA NEVER GOT THE VESSEL.
PROBABLY JUST A MIX-UP.
WE DON'T HAVE MIX-UPS.
HMM.
THAT'S INTERESTING.
I DON'T HAVE INSURANCE, SO ANY OF THESE LOOK FAMILIAR? NO WAY.
HELL'S MOST WANTED? WELL, WE HAVE A FEW OUTSTANDING CASES.
YOUR SUSPECT IN THERE OR NOT? NO.
I MEAN, I DON'T THINK SO.
HE HAD A MASK ON.
THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.
CHALK IT UP TO A RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE COMMITTED BY A REGULAR, RUN-OF-THE-MILL LIVING HUMAN.
IT HAPPENS.
YOU LIVE IN A SICK WORLD.
HAVE A NICE DAY.
NEXT! YEAH-- I--THIS ISN'T OVER, GLADYS.
THIS IS NOT OVER.
WHEN DID WE SELL THESE? IS THAT GREG? WHAT, GREG? ANDI'S EX-BOYFRIEND GREG? YEAH.
OH, YEAH.
HE'S BETTER-LOOKIN' THAN I REMEMBER.
GOOD HAIR.
THAT'S PROBABLY NOTHIN'.
THEY BROKE UP A WHILE AGO.
I'M SURE HE'S JUST SHOPPING.
OH, YEAH.
GUYS! I GOT YOUR BOY! HEY.
OH.
THAT'S THE GUY.
WH-WHERE'D YOU GET THIS? WHO IS HE? DUDE IS BAD NEWS.
HE'S KILLED OVER HE'S CHOPPED THEM UP INTO LITTLE PIECES.
JEEZ.
OH, WOWZER.
IN KILLSAW I, II, AND III, AND IN STRAIGHT-TO-VIDEO IV, V, AND VI.
OH, YEAH.
W-WAIT.
HE'S FROM A MOVIE? YEP.
MAYBE GLADYS WAS RIGHT.
LOOKS LIKE IT.
HEY, SORRY ABOUT THAT.
HE JUST SHOWED UP.
NO, IT'S OK.
WHAT'S GOIN' ON? UH, SOME FAMILY CRISIS, YOU KNOW.
HE'S JUST REALLY UPSET.
GREG'S FOLKS ARE KIND OF NUTS.
YEAH.
BUT HE JUST WANTS TO GET TOGETHER FOR COFFEE TONIGHT, YOU KNOW, JUST TO TALK.
but i totally understand if you don't want me to go.
NO, NO, THAT'S OK.
GO AHEAD.
I--I TRUST YOU.
I FEEL BAD FOR THE GUY MYSELF.
I KNOW WHAT HE'S MISSING.
OK.
WHOA.
ARE YOU GETTING SICK? UM, ARE YOU WEARING PERFUME TODAY? OH, GOD.
IT'S PROBABLY GREG'S COLOGNE.
GUY DROWNS HIMSELF IN IT.
THAT'S ATTRACTIVE.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
OK.
WELL, I'LL JUST GIVE YOU A CALL TONIGHT THEN.
AROUND 9:00? YEAH.
OK.
BYE.
IT'S SO GREAT TO SEE YOU, CASSIDY.
YEAH.
CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION? YEAH.
YOU CAN ASK ME ANYTHING.
THIS IS THE FIFTH DATE IN A ROW THAT WE'VE HAD AT THE HOSPITAL CAFETERIA.
HOW COME WE DON'T GO ANYWHERE IN PUBLIC? YOU KNOW, SOMEPLACE WITH, LIKE, MENUS.
THIS--THIS IS FUN.
ISN'T THIS FUN? look, pudding cups I-IT'S LIKE WE'RE HAVING A PICNIC.
UH-HUH.
I'M JUST WONDERING IF YOU WERE HIDING SOMETHING AND IF IT HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT WEDDING RING YOU'RE WEARING.
I FORGOT I HAD THAT ON.
OK, CASSIDY, I-- GO ON.
I AM ALL EARS.
OK, IT'S A GREEN CARD MARRIAGE.
HER NAME'S SARA.
WE WORK TOGETHER, AND IF SHE DIDN'T GET MARRIED, SHE WAS GONNA GET SENT BACK TO MANCHESTER.
I-IT'S IN ENGLAND.
YEAH, I KNOW WHERE IT IS.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I'LL UNDERSTAND IF YOU NEVER WANNA SEE ME AGAIN, BUT YOU GOTTA KNOW THIS IS A FAKE MARRIAGE, AND I WOULD HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS IF I'D KNOWN I'D MEET SOMEONE LIKE YOU.
SO YOU REALIZE THAT YOU'RE ASKING ME TO BE YOUR MISTRESS.
YES.
YES, IF WE--IF WE HAVE TO LABEL IT, YES.
AND IF I AGREE TO THIS, THEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEPLACE NEW WITH, LIKE, A WAITER AND A LIQUOR LICENSE.
ANYWHERE.
YES.
ANDI, HI.
UH, IT'S ME CALLIN' TO JUST, UH, SAY HI.
YOU'RE OUT WITH GREG, I KNOW.
IT'S, UH--IT'S ALL GOOD.
UM, SO I GUESS I'LL JUST--I'LL-- I'LL CALL YOU BACK IN A WHILE.
YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA CALL AT 9:00.
IT'S 7 MINUTES AFTER, BUT, UH ALL RIGHT.
BYE.
OK.
BYE.
EVENIN'.
BEAUTIFUL NIGHT, HUH? FOR YOU.
IS THIS THE VESSEL? IT'S A PRESENT.
WHY? I JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT NEED IT SOMETIME.
WAIT, WAIT.
SO THE CHAIN SAW GUY WHO ATTACKED ME, IS HE A SOUL OR NOT? I HAVEN'T HEARD ANYTHING ABOUT ANY CHAIN SAW GUY.
I SUPPOSE IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE CRAZIES OUT THERE.
YOU KNOW, MENTAL ILLNESS IS A GROWING PROBLEM, SAMMY.
OH HO.
YOU GOTTA LOVE THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
DON'T EVEN LOCK THEIR DOORS.
WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS? YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT LATELY, SAM? TRUST, HONESTY, INTEGRITY-- I DON'T LIKE THOSE WORDS, NOT ONE LITTLE BIT.
WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE? YOU KNOW WHY I HATE THEM? THEY'RE FRAUDULENT.
PEOPLE SAY THEM WILLY-NILLY.
THEY DON'T MEAN THEM.
YOU FEEL ME? NO.
I DON'T.
I SHOW YOU THIS BECAUSE I CARE.
AND ALSO I KIND OF ENJOY IT.
SAM.
Greg: OH, WHAT THE HELL? WHOA, TAKE IT EASY, MAN.
DON'T DO ANYTHING CRAZY.
- ANDI, WHAT ARE YOU-- - PLEASE PUT DOWN THE KNIFE.
PLEASE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
SAM, WAIT.
PLEASE, SAM-- ANDI, WHAT WERE YOU-- YOU WERE KISSING HIM.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, OK? I MEAN, ONE SECOND, WE'RE TALKING, AND THE NEXT, I-- HOW COULD YOU DO-- THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
SAM, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, OK? I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW I GOT HERE.
please YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME.
IT'S LIKE TEMPORARY INSANITY OR SOMETHING.
LET'S JUST GET OUTTA HERE.
I'M TELLIN' YOU IT'S THE DEVIL.
IT'S GOTTA BE.
HE'S SCREWIN' WITH ME AGAIN.
Sock: YEAH, YOU SURE ABOUT THAT? he was making out wiht ??? I'M PRETTY SURE THAT WASN'T A NATURAL OCCURRENCE.
WHAT'D YOU DO? WHAT? WHAT'D YOU DO WRONG? CLEARLY YOU DID SOMETHING TO DRIVE ANDI INTO GREG'S ARMS, THOSE BIG, HANDSOME, MUSCULAR ARMS.
I DID NOT.
THINK ABOUT IT, SAM.
WOMEN DON'T ALWAYS TELL YOU WHEN YOU SCREW UP.
THEY LIKE TO GIVE NONVERBAL CUES.
I.
E.
, MAKING OUT WITH ANOTHER DUDE.
THERE WAS NO NONVERBAL ANYTHING, ALL RIGHT? I'M A-- I'M A GOOD BOYFRIEND.
I'M--I'M CARING.
I'M SENSITIVE.
AH.
NOW, THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM RIGHT THERE.
SENSITIVE, SAM? REALLY? NO.
NO.
OH, SO NAIVE.
CHICKS DO NOT WANT SENSITIVE, OK? THEY WANT A BAD BOY.
THEY WANT SOMEONE WHO'S GONNA BREAK ALL THE RULES, SOMEONE WHO WILL BANG THEM ON THE BACK OF A MOTORCYCLE AND THEN NOT DO THE DISHES.
A BAD BOY? LIKE GREG.
YEAH.
DEVIL MAY HAVE HAD SOMETHIN' TO DO WITH THIS ONE.
MORNING, PEOPLE.
I WOULD LIKE TO START THE STAFF MEETING ON A HAPPY NOTE.
WE HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF EXCITING NEWS.
YOU FINALLY MOVED OUT OF YOUR MOM'S HOUSE.
VERY WITTY, BERT, BUT NO.
THIS NEWS ACTUALLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME FOR ONCE.
SARA HAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.
WHY DON'T YOU COME ON DOWN TO THE-- thank you.
HELLO.
UM AS YOU KNOW, BEN AND I RECENTLY GOT MARRIED.
AND, UM, I'M VERY HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE I'M PREGNANT.
MY HUSBAND AND I ARE HAVING A BABY.
YOU HIT THAT? NO.
I DID NOT.
THANK YOU.
ARE YOU CRAZY? OOH.
HELLO, MY DARLING.
WHY ARE YOU TELLING PEOPLE WE'RE PREGNANT? BECAUSE WE ARE PREGNANT, SILLY.
BUT WE DIDN'T DO-- NOT EVEN A LITTLE.
EWW.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
ESTEBAN IS THE FATHER.
WHO THE HELL IS ESTEBAN? MY BOYFRIEND.
YOU NEED TO KEEP UP, MY SWEETIE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW? YEAH, FOR 4 YEARS.
EH, HE TRAVELS A GREAT DEAL.
PART OF THE CIRQUE DU SOLEIL OBVIOUSLY.
WHY DIDN'T YOU HAVE HIM MARRY YOU? BECAUSE HE HAS COMMITMENT ISSUES.
PLUS HE'S TECHNICALLY MARRIED.
NOW, LOOK, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE ANGRY AT ME, BEN.
ANGRY? NO.
NO.
I'M NOT ANGRY.
I'M HAPPY, ACTUALLY.
THIS IS GREAT.
I'M ACTUALLY SEEING SOMEONE, TOO-- CASSIDY, THE GIRL I TOLD YOU ABOUT.
NO.
I DON'T THINK SO.
WHAT? WE CANNOT RISK EXPOSURE WITH IMMIGRATION.
BUT YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
IT'S THE SAME THING.
ESTEBAN IS FAR MORE DISCREET AND RESPONSIBLE.
HE'S THE CATCHER ON THE TRAPEZE.
YOU'RE CRAZY.
THAT'S IT.
YEAH.
MM-HMM.
BEN.
SORRY.
IT SEEMS UNFAIR, BUT YOU MADE A COMMITMENT TO ME, AND THAT ALSO MEANS A COMMITMENT TO WHAT'S INSIDE OF ME.
YOU HOLD MY LIFE AND LITTLE ESTEBAN'S LIFE IN YOUR HANDS.
WE NEED YOU, BEN.
HEY, YOU.
HEY.
GREG, YOU KNOW, I-- I CAN'T REALLY TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW, ESPECIALLY AFTER LAST NIGHT.
YEAH, I ACTUALLY WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THAT.
HOW 'BOUT YOU AND ME GO GET SOME COFFEE? YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT? COFFEE SOUNDS GREAT.
UM, JUST LET ME FINISH MY COUNT HERE, AND THEN WE'LL BE OUT, OK? I WISH YOU HADN'T LEFT SO FAST LAST NIGHT.
I REALLY THOUGHT WE WERE MAKING A CONNECTION.
yeah, ME, TOO.
I'M GLAD.
OHH.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M A LITTLE RELIEVED THAT SARA'S BUN DIDN'T COME OUT IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.
HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY BE YOURS? WELL, BEN, LET'S JUST SAY I HAD A VERY VIVID DREAM, AND WE'LL LEAVE IT AT THAT, OK? oh, no.
DRIVE! NO PRESSURE! HE WAS WAITING FOR US, FOR ME.
THAT THING'S DEFINITELY A SOUL.
IT HAS DEFINITELY GOT IT OUT FOR YOU.
OR MY CAR.
OPEN TABLE! RUN! OPEN TABLE! WHOA HO HO HO! EASY THERE, CHAMP.
YOU DON'T WANNA LOOK LIKE A JUMPER.
NA ZDROWIE.
THE CHAIN SAW GUY ISN'T A PERSON.
HE'S A SOUL, AND HE'S TRYING TO KILL ME.
SERIOUSLY? WEIRD.
yeah.
HEY, CHECK OUT THE VIEW, HUH? WH-WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? WHEN DO I GET A VESSEL? I'LL LOOK INTO IT.
I PROMISE.
HEY, SAMMY, YOU WANNA SEE SOMETHING REALLY WEIRD? CHECK IT OUT.
SON OF A BITCH.
I KNOW.
WHAT A DICK, HUH? I GOT AN IDEA.
KILL HIM.
THE SHOT'S ALREADY LINED UP.
WHAT? NO, I'M NOT GONNA SH-- YOU ARE INVOLVED IN THIS.
GUILTY AS CHARGED.
I KNEW IT.
I KNEW SHE'D NEVER GO BACK OUT WITH THAT DOUCHE BAG.
WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO HER? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO ANDI.
I MAY HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO GREG.
FOR GREG, ACTUALLY.
I BOUGHT HIS SOUL.
- WHAT? - YEAH.
YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT HIM, SAMMY.
WHAT A DOPE THAT GUY IS.
TERRIBLE NEGOTIATOR.
WHY? THE POOR KID WAS BROKENHEARTED OVER YOUR GIRL DOWN THERE.
HE WANTED TO ACQUIRE THE POWER TO CONVINCE HER TO DATE HIM, KIND OF A JEDI MIND TRICK.
OK, EASY ENOUGH.
WISH GRANTED, AND IN EXCHANGE, I GET HIS SOUL.
I CAN'T BELIEVE TH--I-- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THIS.
COME OFF IT.
WHAT'S SO AWFUL? YOU KNOW THERE'S ALWAYS A CATCH IN A DEAL WITH ME.
WH-WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? IT MEANS THAT THINGS AREN'T WHAT THEY APPEAR TO BE.
FIGURE IT OUT.
YOU MAY STILL GET ANDI BACK.
CANCEL IT.
UNDO IT.
JUST UNDO IT RIGHT NOW.
SADLY, ALL SALES ARE FINAL.
OH, YOU DO HAVE ONE OTHER OPTION.
KILL HIM.
NO.
- WHY NOT? GREG'S FATE IS ALREADY SEALED.
HE DIES.
THE SPELL IS BROKEN.
YOU GET THE GIRL.
I GET THE SOUL.
WIN, WIN, WIN.
NO.
NO, I'M NOT GONNA SHOOT ANYBODY.
WHEN ARE YOU GONNA LEARN? THE ONLY PERSON PLAYING BY THE RULES IS YOU.
PERFECT.
HEY, BUDDY.
HOW'S IT HANGIN'? I'M NOT YOUR-- AH-CHOO! AW, BABY GOT A COLD? IT'S YOUR STUPID COLOGNE.
NOW WILL YOU GO AWAY so i can talk to my girlfriend.
ACTUALLY ANDI HAS SOMETHING SHE NEEDS TO TELL YOU.
GO AHEAD, ANDI.
I'M HERE TO SUPPORT YOU.
SAM I HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH YOU.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
JUST I CARE ABOUT YOU SO MUCH.
IT'S NOT YOU, SAM.
I-IT'S ME.
NO, IT'S NOT, ANDI.
IT'S GREG.
HE SOLD HIS SOUL TO THE DEVIL.
WHAT? NO, THAT'S-- THAT'S CRAZY.
I KNOW, GREG.
I TALKED TO HIM, OK? ONLY A JERK LIKE YOU WOULD MAKE A DEAL WITH HIM.
HE'S GOT SOME WEIRD MIND-CONTROL THING OVER YOU.
HE'S MAKING YOU LIKE HIM.
IS THIS TRUE? IT DOESN'T MATTER, ANDI.
ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS ME.
SAM, I HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH YOU.
HEY, MAN.
YEAH! KILL IT! KILL IT! ALL RIGHT, MAN! GREG SOLD HIS SOUL TO THE DEVIL.
THAT'S HOW HE'S MAKING ANDI GO OUT WITH HIM.
WOW.
WHO KNEW? GREG'S GOT BALLS.
SOCK! WHAT?! I'M SORRY.
I'M IMPRESSED WITH HIM.
THE DUDE'S IN IT TO WIN IT.
EVERYTHING'S SCREWED UP.
EVERYTHING'S COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL.
AH, DON'T BE SO DRAMATIC.
COME ON.
CLOCK OUT.
WE'RE LEAVING.
UH, KIND OF IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING HERE, SAMMY.
i need??? WE'RE GOIN' TO GLADYS'.
LET'S GO.
GLAD BAGS? ALL RIGHT.
OH, GOOD.
YOU'RE BACK.
IT'S NOT A CRAZY PERSON, GLADYS.
IT'S A SOUL.
I HAVE NO RECORD.
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR STUPID CLIPBOARD SAYS, OK? A SOUL WITH A CHAIN SAW IS TRYING TO KILL ME.
NOW, YOU BETTER FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOIN' ON, OR I'M GONNA BUST IN HERE MYSELF WITH MY OWN CHAIN SAW AND SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT.
I NEED A VESSEL! OK.
ALL RIGHT.
WE'RE OK.
BULLYING ME WILL NEVER WORK.
I DO, HOWEVER, RESPOND TO BRIBES.
OK.
OK.
OK, NOW WE'RE MAKIN' SOME PROGRESS HERE.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.
I'M GOIN' TO ACAPULCO NEXT WEEK.
I NEED SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER MY CAT.
OK, NOW, BY "CAT," DO YOU MEAN CAT, OR DO YOU MEAN SOME KIND OF DRAGON? SHE'S A PERSIAN.
HER NAME IS FANCY.
FANCY.
SURE.
YEAH.
THEN YOU'LL GIVE US A VESSEL? I CAN'T.
BUT I KNOW A GUY WHO MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP.
YOU KEEP VESSELS IN MINI STORAGE? THIS IS A PORTAL TO HELL.
REALLY? IT DOESN'T??? THERE ARE 13 BODIES HIDDEN IN THESE UNITS ALONE.
OK.
MANAGER'S NAME IS DENNIS.
I GOTTA WARN YOU, HE'S A LITTLE SQUIRRELLY.
A FEW TOO MANY YEARS SPENT DOWN IN THE NINTH CIRCLE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
LET ME DO THE TALKING.
GLADYS.
WHAT'S UP, BABY BOO? NICE TO SEE YOU.
DENNIS, THESE TWO NEED A VESSEL.
COOL.
ANY FRIEND OF GLADYS.
AH, THEY'RE NOT FRIENDS.
SAM HERE IS A BOUNTY HUNTER,WORKS DIRECTLY FOR LUCIFER.
OH, HEY, MAN, I, LIKE-- YOU KNOW, I CAN'T REALLY GET INVOLVED WITH ALL THAT, YOU DIG? NO, NO.
I DON'T NEED YOU TO GET INVOLVED.
I JUST NEED A VESSEL TO CAPTURE A SOUL THAT'S TRYING TO KILL ME.
RIGHT, RIGHT.
IT'S JUST I, LIKE, KIND OF HAVE A SWEET DEAL UP HERE, YOU KNOW? CUT THE KID SOME SLACK, HUH? HIS PARENTS SOLD HIS SOUL OUT FROM UNDER HIM.
NO WAY.
AW, THAT'S A BUMMER.
ALL RIGHT.
I GOT SOMETHIN' FOR YOU.
TOOK A LOT OF BARTERING TO GET MY HANDS ON THIS PUPPY.
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.
DENNIS PRIDES HIMSELF ON WORKIN' THE SYSTEM.
IF THERE'S A LOOPHOLE, HE'LL FIND IT.
YOU GOT ANY WAY TO MAKE SAM'S GIRLFRIEND STOP DATING HER EX? I DON'T FOLLOW.
FORGET IT.
IT'S JUST THE DEVIL BOUGHT THIS GUY'S SOUL, AND NOW HE'S MAKING MY GIRLFRIEND LOVE HIM.
AW, IT CAN'T HAPPEN, MAN.
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
YEAH.
YEAH, IT CAN.
IT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.
AH, THE BOSS CAN DO LOTS OF WHACKED-OUT CRAP.
HE CAN TRICK ALMOST ANYBODY INTO ANYTHING, BUT HE'S GOT NO DOMINION OVER THE HUMAN HEART, BRO.
DEVIL CAN'T UNDO TRUE LOVE.
HERE WE GO.
WHOA.
SHE'S A BEAUTY.
OK WHOA! WHOA! WATCH WHERE YOU AIM THAT, TEX.
THIS VESSEL WILL SEND ANYTHING TO HELL-- SOUL, LIVE BODY, FREAKIN' SPACE NEEDLE, MAN, GUARANTEED.
WHATEVER YOU SAY.
LOOK, MAN, ALL MY CUSTOMERS ARE SATISFIED, OK? OK.
ALL RIGHT.
JESUS.
HEADS UP.
HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW? HEY.
-hey.
- HEY, SECRET BOYFRIEND.
IT'S KIND OF SICK.
I'M TOTALLY GETTING INTO THIS WHOLE AFFAIR THING.
ALL THE EXCITEMENT OF BEING THE OTHER WOMAN, none of guilt.
MY WIFE'S PREGNANT.
IT'S NOT MINE.
SHE'S GOT THIS OTHER BOYFRIEND, A CIRCUS GUY.
IT'S HIS KID, AND SHE'S GOIN' AROUND TELLING EVERYONE IT'S MINE.
WOW.
THIS IS SERIOUSLY MESSED UP.
I KNOW.
NEXT TIME I MARRY FOR CASH, I'M CHARGIN' TRIPLE.
LOOK, UM, I GUESS THIS IS OUR LAST NONDATE.
WAIT.
WHY CAN'T WE SEE EACH OTHER? I MADE A COMMITMENT.
I MADE A COMMITMENT TO A CRAZY WOMAN.
I'M VERY AFRAID, AND.
.
I HAVE TO LIVE UP TO IT.
I'M SORRY.
BEN.
ALL RIGHT.
LITTLE BIT OF SPACKLE AND A FEW COATS OF THE , UH, BENCH'S FINEST ULTRA-GLOSS, AND, UH-- IT STILL LOOKS LIKE CRAP.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT, SAM? I DON'T NEED THAT NEGATIVITY RIGHT NOW.
LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY CAR.
OK, YOU KNOW WHAT? I GOT SOME GOOD NEWS.
I KNOW HOW TO GET ANDI BACK.
I'M INTRIGUED.
BRIEF ME.
ALL RIGHT, SO THE DEVIL HAS NO POWER OVER TRUE LOVE, RIGHT? ok.
and THERE'S ALWAYS A CATCH WHEN YOU MAKE A DEAL WITH HIM.
OBVIOUSLY.
that's the catch.
NO MATTER WHAT GREG DOES TO ANDI, HE CAN'T STOP HER LOVING ME.
I JUST HAVE TO REMIND HER OF THAT.
I CAN'T LOSE.
BACK UP.
UH, ANDI LOVES YOU? WELL, OF COURSE SHE DOES.
SHE SAID THAT? I, UH, THAT'S-- NOT IN WORDS.
OK, 'CAUSE, UH, NO OFFENSE OR ANYTHING, BUT I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR, WHAT, 14 YEARS, AND, UH, I ONLY SORTA LIKE YOU.
YOU CAN BE PRETTY IRRITATING.
I'M SORRY, BUT SEE, 'CAUSE I LOVE THESE SHOES.
LOVE IS A COMPLICATED EMOTION, SAM, FULL OF TINGLY FEELINGS AND FRUSTRATION AND ANGER.
THERE YOU ARE.
HEY.
HEY.
UH IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT? UH, I-IT WILL BE, HOPEFULLY.
OK.
WHAT'S UP? OK, UM SO I NEED TO ASK YOU A QUESTION, ANDI, AND IT MIGHT SOUND KIND OF WEIRD JUST ASKING OUTRIGHT, BUT I GOTTA DO IT.
SURE.
THIS IS THE KIND OF THING THAT YOU-- YOU PROBABLY NEED TO COME TO ON YOUR OWN, AND I DON'T WANNA FORCE THE ISSUE, BUT I-- I REALLY NEED TO KNOW, LIKE--LIKE, RIGHT NOW.
DO YOU LOVE ME? YEAH.
I THINK I LOVE YOU.
YEAH.
THAT--THAT'S GREAT.
THIS IS-- THIS IS SO GOOD.
YEAH.
OK, UM, BECAUSE THE DEVIL, HE'S KIND OF GIVEN GREG THIS WHOLE JEDI MIND TRICK POWER.
OK, WHAT-- ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE PLAN.
HERE'S THE PLAN.
YOU GOTTA GET GREG OUT OF YOUR HEAD, OK? YOU CAN'T TALK TO HIM.
YOU CAN'T SEE HIM.
YOU GOTTA FIGHT HIM OFF.
BUT HE KNOWS WHERE I WORK.
W-WE-WE'LL GET NEW JOBS.
BUT HE KNOWS WHERE I LIVE.
THEN WE'LL RUN AWAY TOGETHER.
YOU LIKE BUFFALO? NO WAY WILL HE FIND US IN BUFFALO.
I HEAR THE WINTERS ARE MURDER.
NO, NO, NO, HANG UP.
HELLO.
IT'S GREG.
NO, I DO-- HI.
HANG UP.
YEAH.
NO, I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW.
I--I KNOW WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE LUNCH, BUT-- WHAT? OH, THAT WAS SAM.
NO! WHAT ARE YOU--YOU-- YEAH, WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT HOW WE WERE GONNA RUN AWAY TOGETHER.
TO BUFFALO.
HEH.
UNBELIEVABLE.
WHOA.
NO, I'M NOT TRYIN' TO UPSET YOU.
GREG, HOLD O-- DON'T GET SO MAD.
SORRY.
OK, I JUST-- DON'T-- WHAT? SAM SAM! DOWN HERE, SAM.
quick.
NO, NO, NO.
SAM, NOT NOW.
COLOGNE.
COLOGNE? GRE-GREG'S COLOGNE.
OH, GOD.
GO! HERE, ANDI, THE THING! OK.
LET'S GO.
here, GO, GO, GO! COME WITH ME IF YOU WANNA LIVE.
SERIOUSLY, YOU'RE SCREWED HERE.
YOU ASS, THAT ISN'T A SOUL.
THAT IS GREG.
YEAH.
ISN'T IT GREAT? HUH? BARKEEP, A ROUND OF DRINKS FOR EVERYONE.
WHOO! YEAH! YEAH! WHAT A--WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? OH, I JUST DIDN'T WANNA SPOIL IT.
IT WAS TOO GOOD.
OH, BY THE WAY, TECHNICALLY IT ISN'T GREG.
IT'S MORE LIKE HIS ID, YOU KNOW, ALL THE PENT-UP RAGE, AND I HAD IT MANIFEST ITSELF AS THE KILLER IN HIS FAVORITE SLASHER FILM.
YOU MADE THAT HAPPEN? YEAH.
I THOUGHT IT WAS A NICE TOUCH.
ALTHOUGH I'M NOT SURE OLD GREG EVEN KNOWS IT'S HIM.
BOY, OH, BOY.
I'M USUALLY NOT ONE TO PAT MYSELF ON THE BACK, but sometimes you've just nailed it, you know? PURE POETRY.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WELL, JUST THINK ABOUT IT.
EVEN IF YOU AND ANDI VOW NEVER TO SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN, ANDI WILL STILL LOVE YOU, GREG WILL STILL GET ANGRY, AND SOONER OR LATER, ANDI'LL GET HACKED UP BY A CHAIN SAW.
KKKT.
NO.
NO, WA-WA-- UNLESS YOU PUT A STOP TO IT.
BECAUSE NOW YOU TRULY, REALLY HAVE ONLY ONE OPTION.
ALL ROADS LEAD TO KILLING GREG.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE YOURSELF, SAVE YOUR GIRL.
KIND OF A NO-BRAINER, ISN'T IT? IT'S GREG.
WHY IS GREG CALLING YOU? HE'S NOT.
I TOOK ANDI'S PHONE AND SENT HER HOME.
I CAN'T LET THAT GUY INTO HER HEAD AGAIN.
ARE WE GONNA DO THIS, OR WHAT? IT'S GO TIME.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S DO THIS.
A SHOTGUN? IT'S ALL MY DAD HAD.
LIKES TO HUNT.
IT'S GONNA BLOW HIS HEAD OFF.
THAT'S WHA THE PLASTIC IS FOR.
LET'S GO.
Soft like a ninja.
GIVE ME THE AMMO.
OK.
OK.
I THINK MAYBE YOU DID THAT WRONG.
NG.
YEAH.
AMMO.
AGAIN.
BEN, WHAT THE HELL KIND OF AMMO DID YOU BUY? I DIDN'T ASK! SHUT-- SHUT UP.
THE GUY IN THE GUN SHOP KEPT STARIN' AT ME, FREAKIN' ME OUT.
I'M NOT CUT OUT TO BE A HIT MAN.
I SAW MY GRANDMOTHER ONE TIME SNAP THE NECK OF A CHICKEN.
I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP FOR A WHOLE MONTH.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
BEN'S RIGHT, MAN.
YEAH.
WE'RE NOT KILLERS.
THE DEVIL WANTS ME TO DO THIS.
HE'S TRYING TO CORRUPT ME, MAKE ME MORE LIKE HIM.
HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOIN' HERE? NOTHIN'.
JUST BROUGHT YOU THIS, UH, GIANT ROLL OF PLASTIC, YOU KNOW, FOR SPILLS.
I THINK WE NEED TO TALK, SAM.
DON'T YOU? I COULD-- I COULD CHAT.
SO, YOU GONNA OFFER US ANYTHING TO DRINK? NO.
FINE.
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE, SAM.
WALK AWAY.
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA WIN ANDI BACK.
I'VE GOT THE DEVIL ON MY SIDE.
SEE, THAT'S THE THING, GREG.
THE DEVIL ISN'T ON ANYONE'S SIDE.
THE DEVIL'S ON THE DEVIL'S SIDE, PERIOD.
IT'S TRUE.
THERE'S ALWAYS A CATCH.
THE DEVIL MADE ANDI LOVE YOU, RIGHT? DID YOU THINK TO ASK HIM TO MAKE HER STOP LOVING ME? SHE STILL LOVES YOU? CRAP.
SO IF ANDI STILL LOVES YOU, THAT MEANS WE'LL NEVER BE HAPPY TOGETHER AND I GAVE AWAY MY SOUL FOR NOTHING? BINGO.
SEE? HE'S NOT THAT DUMB.
AW, I SCREWED UP EVERYTHING.
I'M--I'M STUPID, STUPID, STUPID! WHOA.
DON'T HIT YOURSELF.
NO CALL FOR THAT.
I ALWAYS DO THIS KIND OF STUFF! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! OK, JUST CHILL, MAN.
DAD WAS RIGHT.
I MAKE ONE BONEHEADED MOVE AFTER ANOTHER.
I FAILED MY DRIVING TEST HEY, EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKES.
I SENT MONEY TO AND I'VE NEVER MET ONE OF THEM! YOU'RE-- YOU'RE TRUSTING.
YES.
I MADE A PASS AT MY STEPMOTHER! M-M-MAYBE WE SHOULD GO.
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
YEAH.
Sock: CHAIN SAW! GO! GO, GO, GO, GO, GO! let's go.
HERE.
COME ON.
WHERE'D HE GO? WHAT IS THAT THING?! IT'S YOU! NO, IT'S NOT.
YES, IT-- GET THE DRESSER! I'M SUCH A CHUMP! LISTEN TO ME VERY CAREFULLY.
GETTING MAD ONLY MAKES THAT THING STRONGER.
YOU HAVE TO CALM DOWN.
LOOK, JUST LET IT COME.
I'M PATHETIC.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
L-L-LOOK.
Y-YOU HAVE A TROPHY.
YEAH, IT'S FOR ATTENDANCE.
GREG, EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKES, OK?! LOOK AT ME! I ONCE GOT PAID FOR A GREEN CARD MARRIAGE, AND NOW I CAN'T BE WITH THE WOMAN OF MY DREAMS.
AND SO HELP ME, IF I GET THE CHANCE TO MAKE IT OUT OF HERE ALIVE, I'M GONNA MAKE IT RIGHT, BUT YOU GOTTA CALM YOUR ASS DOWN! I CAN'T CALM DOWN! come??? come to me I SAID CALM DOWN! AAH! Ben: IT'S GONE.
IT'S GONE.
he does not look good HEY.
hey HOW YOU FEELIN'? AH, MY HEAD IS KILLIN' ME.
A-AND THAT MAKES YOU FEEL ANGRY? NO.
THAT'S GONE NOW.
PROBABLY THE MORPHINE.
GOOD.
HEY, THAT'S-- THAT'S GREAT.
SO I DON'T SUPPOSE THERE'S ANY WAY TO GET OUT OF A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL.
NOT THAT I'VE BEEN ABLE TO FIGURE OUT.
GREG.
OH, MY GOD.
LOOK AT YOU.
YOU ALL RIGHT? WHAT HAPPENED? HE'S--HE'S OK.
he is fine.
SAM WH-WHAT HAPPENED? A-ARE YOU OK? YEAH.
I'M FINE.
OK.
ANDI.
YEAH.
YOU LEAVE US ALONE FOR A SECOND.
OK.
JUST BE OUTSIDE.
YOU KNOW, I CAN FEEL THAT THING RIGHT NOW GETTING ANGRY AGAIN.
GREG-- JUST A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE IT STARTS ALL OVER.
I'M SO STUPID.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN STUPID.
GREG, GREG, GREG, GREG, IT'S OK.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I GAVE UP MY SOUL FOR ONE NIGHT OF OVER-THE-CLOTHES HEAVY PETTING.
IT'S A LOT TO SACRIFICE, ETERNITY.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU'RE NOT AS STUPID AS YOU THINK YOU ARE.
Ben: EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, SO I KNOW THAT FOR-- THAT'S INTERESTING.
WHAT HAVE WE HERE? IT'S OK.
THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND.
HI.
OH, IS SHE, NOW? WELL, WE BOTH KNOW THAT'S NOT ALLOWED.
PERHAPS I HAVEN'T BEEN CLEAR.
WELL, NOW I'M GONNA BE CLEAR.
IF YOU'RE FREE TO DATE IN THIS MARRIAGE, I AM, TOO.
IF YOU'RE FREE TO GET PREGNANT GOOD FOR YOU.
MY, MY, MY.
WHEN DID WE ACQUIRE TESTES? YESTERDAY.
YESTERDAY.
NOW I'M GONNA SAY IT AGAIN.
THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND.
UM, UH, TRY TO BE DISCREET.
EXCUSE ME.
THIS IS AWKWARD.
SARA, I--I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
CLEARLY YOUR "HUSBAND" HAS NO RESPECT FOR THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE.
TED, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
THEN WHAT IS IT, BEN? YOU MARRIED HER, DID YOU NOT? YOU FILED PAPERWORK WITH THE HOME OFFICE.
OR SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT.
ACTUALLY, TED, UM BEN AND I HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING.
SO I SEE.
I HAD NO IDEA THAT YOU ENJOYED THE LIFESTYLE.
IF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE TURNING THAT TRIANGLE INTO A SQUARE-- JUST LET ME KNOW.
A CHASER FOR MY MAN, SAM.
THANKS, BUT I'M GOOD.
REALLY? YEAH.
FROM WHERE I SIT, LOOKS LIKE YOUR LIFE'S STILL IN THE CRAPPER.
AH, THAT SO? GREG IS ONE SELF-LOATHING HISSY FIT AWAY FROM ANOTHER CHAIN SAW MASSACRE.
YOUR GAL'S IN DANGER.
YOU YOUSELF ARE IN DANGER.
IT'S WHAT WE CALL IN THE BUSINESS A CLASSIC CLUSTER "F.
" PRETTY PROUD OF YOURSELF.
PRIDE IS MY FAVORITE CARDINAL SIN.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.
KILL GREG.
YEAH.
OOH, SAY THAT AGAIN.
ONLY, THIS TIME, USE A RUSSIAN ACCENT.
I DON'T THINK SO.
PLEASE.
WELL, I'VE BEEN WONDERING WHEN I'D SEE THAT AGAIN.
WELL, IT'S NICE TO PUT A GIFT TO GOOD USE.
IT'S NOT FOR ME.
IT'S FOR GREG.
COME AGAIN.
I'M CANCELING YOUR DEAL WITH GREG.
HE WON'T GO TO HELL, HE WON'T HAVE POWER OVER ANDI, AND THE CHAIN SAW MANIAC GOES AWAY.
EVERYTHING GOES BACK TO NORMAL.
TELL ME I'M WRONG.
YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANNA USE THIS CARD FOR YOURSELF, SAM, GET BACK TO YOUR REGULAR LIFE? IT'S A LOT TO GIVE UP.
NO, IT'S NOT.
BECAUSE IT WOULDN'T WORK FOR ME.
THERE'S ALWAYS A CATCH, RIGHT? YOU'D FIND SOME OTHER WAY TO SCREW ME OVER.
YOU'RE WISIN' UP, PAL.
MY LITTLE BOY'S BECOMING A MAN.
SO I'M GIVING IT TO GREG, AND I'M BETTING EVEN YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF THIS ONE.
OH? CONGRATS, BUDDY.
YOU JUST GAVE UP ETERNITY FOR A WORKPLACE CRUSH.
WHAT A SUCKER.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
THERE'S STILL PLENTY OF TIME.
MAYBE.
MAYBE NOT.
I'LL TAKE MY CHANCES.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT? GREG.
I MEAN, NO, DON'T GET ME WRONG.
HE'S A TOOL, AND HE ALWAYS WILL BE, BUT STILL.
BUT WHAT? I MEAN, HE TRADED HIS SOUL FOR ME.
IT'S FLATTERING, BUT CRAZY.
KIND OF ROMANTIC IN A WAY.
NO, JUST CRAZY.
LOOK, SHOOTING STAR.