Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - The End

(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC) # To Ganymede and Titan, Yes, sir, I've been around # Lister, have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallet? No? Stop that and push the trolley.
Yes, sir, Rimmer! Right.
Corridor 159.
(LISTER HUMS THE SAME TUNE) Lister, shut up! - I'm only humming! - Well, don't.
Don't hum and don't make stupid sounds with your cheeks.
(CLICKS TUNE WITH HIS THR0AT) and you're on report, my laddo.
What job number's this? (LISTER MIMES HIS ANSWER) Right! That's it! "Lister, D.
, Third Technician.
"0ffence: Obstructing a superior technician "by humming, clicking and being quiet.
" When the Captain sees this, you're dead.
- Rimmer, I'm bored! - Bored?! This is essential routine maintenance.
It's absolutely vital for the well-being of this crew, this mission and this ship.
"Dispenser 172: Chicken soup nozzle clogged.
" Pass me a 14B, Lister.
Lister, is this a 14B? Does it look even remotely like a 14B? This is a 14B, Lister.
This is a 14F.
Are you blind? - Who cares? - I care, Lister! It's my career.
I get it in the neck if an officer comes along, orders chicken soup, and gets blackcurrant cordial with blancmange, two creams and a sugar.
Chicken soup.
(THE MACHINE HUMS) Yep.
That's working.
It's stupid, all this maintenance business.
The only reason they don't give this job to the service robots is they've got a better union than us.
That is absolute nonsense.
Right.
What's next? "Botanical gardens: Faulty porous circuit.
"In corridor 147: Sticking door.
" It's true, you know, though, Rimmer.
You rank below all four of those service robots.
Even the one that's gone absolutely mad.
Not for long, matey.
Up, up, up! That's where I'm going! Not till you pass your engineer's exam.
And you won't.
You'll go in and flunk again.
Last time I only failed by the "narrowest" of narrow margins.
You what? You walked in there, wrote, "I am a fish," 400 times, did a funny little dance, and fainted.
- That's a total lie! - No, it's not! Petersen told me.
"No, it's not! Petersen told me.
" What I did was, I wrote a discourse on porous circuits which was simply too "radical", too "unconventional", too "mould-breaking" for the examiners.
Yeah.
You said you were a fish.
- Is that a cigarette you're smoking? - No, it's a chicken.
Right! You're on report.
Two times in as many minutes, Lister! - Rimmer, Lister.
- Yes, sir.
Yo, Todhunter, get down! Indeed.
Rimmer, I'm going through Mclntyre's artifacts, and I see that you've filed - Yes, sir! - 123 counts of insulting a superior, - and one count of mutiny.
- Yes, sir! - Mutiny, Lister? - I stood on his toe.
- Maliciously, with intent to wound.
- It was an accident! How is it possible to stand on one small toe by accident? You didn't stand on my toe, you stood on my entire foot, obstructing a superior in pursuit of duty.
He was going to snap my guitar in half! So you leapt from the top bunk onto the whole of my right foot.
- That's enough.
- Had there been a crisis, I would have had to hop, putting the ship at risk, therefore mutiny.
- Finished? - I'm not vindictive, so I won't apply for the death penalty.
There are 169 people on this ship.
You, Rimmer, are over one man.
Why can't you two get on? I try, sir.
I'm not an insubordinate man by nature.
I try to respect Rimmer, but it's not easy.
He's such a smeghead.
Did you hear that, sir? Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for calling a superior technician a smeghead? You heard that! With respect, sir, your career's finished, you big lig! We are gathered today to pay our last respects to George Mclntyre.
George was an excellent officer and as good a friend as one could hope for.
He'll be missed more deeply than he could ever know.
Now, I commend his ashes to the stars he loved so much.
Goodbye, George, we'll miss you.
(WH00SH) This is a piece of music he requested.
Start the tape, please.
# See you later, alligator In a while, crocodile # There goes Mclntyre.
# so longl Goodbyel # Goodbye George.
- That was George! - I thought it was Mary Queen of Scots! - I was watching that! - Tough! You touch that guitar and I'll remove the E string and garrotte you.
Can I do anything? Is it 0K if I breathe? Can I breathe? I have an exam tomorrow and I intend to pass.
By cheating.
This is not cheating! It is merely an aid to memory.
It helps me marshal the facts at my command.
What? Copying entire textbooks onto your body? Hand your body in and let them mark that! Do you think it is easy for someone like me to become an officer? Who wasn't Academy educated? Who didn't have the right nobby background or the right parents? Not the right parents? Whose did you have? MY parents.
The wrong parents.
If you can't pass fair and square, why bother? You would, Lister, because you've no ambition, no drive.
You're content to be the lowest rank on the ship.
I'm not the lowest rank.
What about the laboratory mice? Tell the mice to do something and they've got to jump to it.
"Yes, Mr Lister, sir! Eee, eee, eee.
" Lister, you are a nothing.
I'm not.
I've got me plan.
What, to be the slobbiest entity in the entire universe? No.
Me Five Year Plan.
I'm going to do two more trips.
I've been saving up all me pay - Since when? - Since always.
That's why I don't buy soap, deodorant, socks or suchlike.
I'm going to buy myself a little farm on Fiji and I'm going to get a sheep and a cow and breed horses.
- With a sheep and a cow? - No, with horses and horses.
- 0n Fiji? - Yeah! The prices are unbelievable.
Yes, because of a volcanic eruption, now most of Fiji is three feet below sea level! It's only three feet.
They can wade.
That's why the animals are gonna have to be quite tall.
Nice plan, Lister! Excellent plan! Brilliant plan, Lister! What about the sheep? Buy them water wings? Fit them with stilts? Cross-breed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton! Baa, spoosh, baa, spoosh.
You can get a drainage grant these days.
Why bother? Be the first to produce wet-look knitwear! This is why I never said anything to you, I knew you'd be like this.
You have got the brain of a cheese sandwich.
(Y0KEL V0ICE) "Mornin', Farmer Lister! "Just popping to the shops in my submarine.
Can I buy you anything?" The "Welcome Back George Mclntyre" reception is starting.
Everybody is invited, especially those who weren't able to attend his funeral.
- Have you seen Rimmer's arm? - No, I'm waiting for the paperback! Petersen, have you got a coin? Watch this great new intelligence test.
What you gotta do is force the coin onto your forehead.
The more times you bang yourself on the head without it falling, the more intelligent you are.
- You gonna go for it? - (ALL) He's going for it! - Are you ready? Can you feel it? - Yeah! Can you feel it? Go! (ALL) Go on! Go for it! (ALL) Brrr brrr brrr.
- Brrr brrr brrr - Sh! Sh! Folks, today is a day for both sadness and joy.
Sadness for the passing away of George, and joy, because George is back albeit as a hologram.
You may not have travelled with a hologram before - just treat him as a normal man, because he is in every respect like George.
He has George's personality, knowledge and his experience.
He can't lift or touch anything, so I ask you to cooperate with his requests.
Please take care not to walk through him, not even when you're in a hurry.
(ALL) Whoa! Whoa! Speech! Speech! I want to thank everybody for giving me such a marvellous funeral.
I've just seen the vid.
And I want to thank the Captain for his beautiful eulogy.
Beautiful.
But why didn't he use the one I wrote?! This must seem pretty spooky for everyone, but I don't want you to think of me as someone who's dead, more as someone who's no longer a threat to your marriages.
Joe knows what I mean.
As you know, Holly's only capable of sustaining one hologram.
So, my advice to anyone more vital to the mission than me is: If you die, I'll kill you.
Please be upstanding for the cutting of the cake.
Flight Coordinator George Mclntyre.
(ALL) George! (S0ME0NE GARGLES) Holly has sensed a non-human life form aboard.
Sir, it's Rimmer! We don't know what it is, Lister.
So just be careful, 0K? I'm turning you in, Rimmer.
(GR0UP) 0oooh! They're bound to ask the right thigh, which is 10%.
They must ask the left thigh, which is 20%.
They've got to ask one of the forearms.
Which means I've passed already! The left shin's a bonus! Right.
Cutie: Current under tension is What's this? Current under tension is equal? Current under tension is expandable? Current under tension is expensive? What does this mean? What does any of this mean? I've covered my body in complete and utter and total absolute nonsense gibberish! Aaaargh! Just relax, relax, relax, relax Er, plus 20% of the ship's course minus the Pythagoras theorem multiplied by two over the x axis minus one equals the total velocity of Red Dwarf, so I know about astro-engineering.
Morning, Lister, for probably the last time.
Got it all down, have you, Rimmer? Couple of blanks, but I think I'm there.
So you can't remember anything? Think what you will, Lister.
F-l-S-H, that's how you spell "Fish".
Then you just keel over.
I'm sure it'll all come flooding back.
Dry up, Lister.
(INTERC0M H0NKS) Entrants for the engineer's examination, make their way to the teaching room.
Well, Rimmer, honestly, good luck.
It's all right, Lister.
I'm in complete and total control.
Lock! Lock! (CAT MIA0WS) Frankenstein! Come on, Frankenstein! I hope it's not twins.
You've already got all me milk ration.
When the baby cat comes, we'll give it water and pretend it's milk.
It's only a baby cat, it won't know, eh? Do you want to see my picture of Fiji, Frankie? You'll love it there.
Look.
No modems, no speaking slide-rules.
Turn over and start.
Good luck.
- Where's the Captain's office? - Where it says, "Captain's 0ffice".
- Where it's always been.
- So that's the Captain's office! - How are you, then? - Fine.
Do you know why he wants me? I think you've been promoted to Admiral! - 0h, yeah? - Yeah.
- For your devotion to duty.
- 0h, yeah.
Lister! You asked to see me, Captain? - Where's the cat? - What? What cat? Lister, not only are you so stupid you bring an unquarantined animal and jeopardise everyone on this ship but you take a photo of yourself with the cat and have it internally processed.
I'll ask you again, do you have a cat? - No.
- Have you got a cat? Er, yes, that one.
- Where did you get it, Titan? - Yes.
Don't you realise it could be carrying "anything"? Don't you remember what happened on 0regon with the rabbits? Lister, a loose animal aboard this ship could get anywhere.
It could get into the air ducts or into Holly.
A little nibble here and a little nibble there, Lister, and suddenly, we're flying backwards.
I want that cat, and I want it N0W.
Sir, just suppose I did have a cat.
Just suppose.
What would you do with Frankenstein? Send it to the medical centre, have it cut up and tests run on it.
Would you put it back together, after? Lister, the cat would be dead.
With respect, sir, what's in it for the cat? Give me that cat.
It's not that easy.
Me and the cat are going to have a baby cat, and we're going to buy a farm on Fiji, with a sheep and a cow and three horses.
It's me plan, and no one can get in the way, not even you, and I do respect you.
- Sir! - Lister, do you want to go into stasis and forfeit 18 months' wages? - No - Hand over the cat? - No.
- Choose.
- Dave, no one wants to do this.
- It's 0K, I can handle it.
- Rimmer, are you all right? - I can't really remember.
I think I did quite well.
- Is this going to hurt? - Haven't you travelled interstellar? - No - You don't feel a thing.
The stasis room creates a static field of time.
As X-rays can't pass through lead, time can't penetrate a stasis field.
Though you exist, you no longer exist in time, and for you time does not exist.
You're still a mass, but no longer an event in space-time, a non-event mass with quantum probability of zero.
Simple, eh? - 0K, I'm ready.
- See you in 18 months.
- Holly, activate the stasis field.
- 0K, Frank.
Good morning, Dave.
It is safe for you to emerge from stasis.
- Haven't I just gone in? - Go to the Drive Room for debriefing.
Where is everybody, Hol? - They're dead, Dave.
- Who is? - Everybody, Dave.
- What, Captain Hollister? - Everybody's dead, Dave.
- What, Todhunter? - Everybody's dead, Dave.
- What, Selby? They're all dead.
Everybody's dead, Dave.
- Petersen isn't, is he? - Everybody is dead, Dave.
- Not Chen? - Gordon Bennetl Yesl Everybody.
- Everybody's dead, Dave.
- Rimmer? He's dead, Dave.
Everybody's dead.
Everybody is dead, Davel Wait.
Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead? I wish I'd never let him out.
- How? - The drive plate was badly repaired.
It blew, and the crew was subjected to a lethal dose of cadmium 2 before I could seal the area.
What is this stuff? That is Catering Officer Olaf Petersen.
Aaaah! I've been eating half the crew! - Who's that? - That's Captain Hollister.
- And that's Todhunter.
- No, Second Technician Rimmer.
without his report book.
Why was Rimmer in the Drive Room? He was explaining why he hadn't sealed the drive plate properly.
So wait on.
How long was I in stasis? I couldn't release you until the radiation reached a safe level.
- How long? - Three million years.
Three million years! I've still got that library book.
What about Krissie? Krissie Kochanski? - She's dead, Dave.
- Aw, hey! It's no consolation, but if she were still alive, the age difference would be insurmountable.
She was part of me plan.
I never told her, but she was going to come with me to Fiji.
She was to wear a white dress and ride the horses.
I was going to take care of everything else.
I planned it.
She won't be much use to you on Fiji now unless it snows and you need to grit the path.
- Holly! - Sorry.
I'm sorry about that.
I've been on me own for three million years.
I say what I think.
I've gone a bit peculiar, to tell the truth.
So everyone's dead? I'm on me own? Just me? - Technically speaking, yes.
- What do you mean, "technically"? Hello, Lister.
Long time no see.
- Rimmer, you're a hologram! - Yes.
That's because I'm dead.
Dead as a can of Spam.
And it's all thanks to you.
- Me? What did I do? - If you hadn't kept that stupid cat, and been sent to stasis, I would have had help with the repairs and I wouldn't be dead.
- What does it feel like? - Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans.
No, I mean being a hologram.
Do you mind? Being a hologram is fine, Lister.
I still have the same drives, the same feelings, emotions, but I can't touch anything.
Never again will I be able to brush a rose against my cheek, cradle a laughing child, or interfere with a woman sexually.
Rimmer, you never did those things anyway! - I would have one day, murderer.
- Hey, I didn't do anything! It was Y0U who didn't fix the drive plates properly.
- Is this me here? - Yeah.
Rimmer, look on the bright side.
The bright side? What bright side? I'm dead.
I'm composed entirely of light, and I'm alone with a man who'd lose a battle of wits with a stuffed iguana! What's an iguana? Look, look, you're not dead, are ya? You're dead! But not "dead" dead, 'cause you're still here! Lister, I'm not really here! I'm not really me! Don't you see? I'm a computer simulation of me.
That's me, there, a pile of albino mouse droppings.
Come on.
Lots of people have died.
Lots have died and gone on and done really, really well.
You're a hologram.
So what? I suppose you're right, Lister.
I've got to pull myself together.
But you've got to help me.
Be my hands and my touch.
I know what you like to touch.
No way, Rimmer.
Forget it.
Are you smoking? In the Drive Room? Yeah.
I stopped for a while, but I'm back on them now.
You're on report, squire.
I can't write it down.
I'll remember it.
to speak ill of the dead and all - but you're still a smeghead.
- I beg your pardon? I said, you're still a smeghead.
Do you have any conception of the penalty for calling a deceased superior technician a smeghead? - Lister, listen to me.
Just listen.
- Just shut up.
Shut up.
Aaahhh! Aow! Eeee! Aow, eee, how am I looking? Looking nice.
No, wait a minute.
I'm looking better than nice.
I'm looking dangerous.
Aaaoooww.
Dangerous! Aaaooowww! Hey, what's that? Hey, even my shadow's looking nice.
I'm looking nice.
My shadow's looking nice.
What a team! We are unbelievable! 0K, team, this way.
Aaaoowww, yeah.
This way! Lister, hold on, listen to me Aaaooowww! Uh, oh! Better make myself look big! Hee hee! Fearsome.
I was fearsome! # just me and my shadow, ooohhh! # Come on, boy! # Walking down the # Aaahhh! Holly, what was that? During the radioactive crisis, your cat and her kittens were safely sealed in the hold, breeding for three million years, - and evolved into what you just saw.
- I don't get it.
- You know man evolved from apes? - Yeah, I know that.
He evolved from cats.
His ancestors were cats.
He descended from cats.
He is a cat.
Aaahhh, ooohhh, yeah Hello Cat? Whoa! Crease! Stand back, Lister.
(SH0UTS INC0HERENTLY) - Here you go, Cat.
- Ah, crispies! - Holly says you like these.
- Mmmm! Hey! You monkeys eat off the floor? Ain't you got no style or sophistication? I'm sorry, Cat.
I'm sorry.
You people are unbelievable.
- Where are your catty friends? - Good crispies, man! Where are your kitties? Are they gone? Are they dead? Have they left? Who cares? I want it off the ship! No! He's coming home with us, aren't you, Cat? Home? And where is that? - Earth.
- Who says there'll be an Earth? Look what it's done to a pet in three million years.
What has humankind evolved into? To them, you'll be like the slime that first crawled out the oceans.
- I could smarten meself up.
- Nah, you're a dinosaur.
- You're extinct, nothing.
- Hey! I've still got me plan.
And I've still got a cat.
Not Frankenstein, but still a cat.
- Did you say Frankenstein? - Yeah.
She was your great, great, great, great, great, grandmother.
The Holy Mother? The Virgin Birth? No one believes that stuff.
The Virgin Birth?! No, it was a big black tom on Titan.
Frankenstein, yeah! I remember that stuff from kitty school.
The Holy Mother, saved by Cloister the Stupid, who was frozen in time, and gaveth his life that we might live.
No! No, it's not Cloister, it's me, it's Lister! It's Lister the stupid?! Who shall returneth to lead us to Fuchal, the Promised Land.
No, it's not Fuchal, it's Fiji! I will! I'll lead you there.
That's where we're going.
Holly, plot a course for Fiji.
Look out, Earth.
The slime's coming home! # It's cold outside, There's no kind of atmosphere # I'm all alone, more or less # Let me fly far away from here # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose # Drinking fresh mango juice # Goldfish shoals, nipping at my toes # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun #