Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Kryten

(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC) Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf, Its crew; Dave Lister, the last human being alive; Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate; and a creature who evolved from the ship's cat, Message ends, Additional, As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited, hostile and meaningless universe, Still, you've got to laugh, haven 't you? (AUSTRALIAN WOMAN) Sit down, Brook, There's something I must tell you, (AUSTRALIAN MAN) What is it, Kelly? I wasn 't with Simone, Brook, I spent the night with Gary, You're ex-husband? My business rival? What are you saying?! I'm saying, Brook Junior,,, What about Brook Junior? He isn 't your android, # Androids # Everybody needs good androids # Androids have feelings, too # (SPEAKS ESPERANTO) Wait a mi nute! I know this one.
Don't tell me! "I hope the weather will be clement.
" I hope the weather will be clement, Lister, don't tell me! I could have got that! (SPEAKS ESPERANTO) Ah! I remember this one.
"Please direct me to a five-star hotel.
" Wrong, actually.
Totally, utterly and completely wrong.
Please direct me to a five-star hotel, Lister, will you shut up? - I'm only helping.
- I don't need help.
(SPEAKS ESPERANTO) "I would like to purchase that orange beach ball "and that bucket and spade.
" The meal was splendid, Congratulations to the chef, What? Pause.
You've done Esperanto for eight years.
How come you're so utterly useless? And how many books have you read in your life? The same as Champion the Wonder Horse - zero! - I've read books.
- I don't mean books about a dog called Ben.
- I went to art college! - How did YOU get into art college? The usual, boring way you get in.
I failed me exams and applied.
- They snapped me up.
- You didn't get a degreedid you? - No.
I wasn't there long.
- How long? Ninety-seven minutes.
I thought it'd be a good skive.
I took one look at the timetable and checked out.
It was ridiculous.
They had lectures, like, first thing in the afternoon! We're talking 12.
30 every day! Who's together then? You can still taste the toothpaste.
Well, unlike you, Lister, I have ambitions! I'm not prepared to sit around polishing my spacebike, so I can go joy-riding, because I'm not a gimp! One of my ambitions is to learn another language.
Play.
(SPEAKS ESPERANTO) Ah, this I do know "The menu looks interesting, I'll try the chicken, " Holly, as the Esperantinos would say (SPEAKS ESPERANTO) And I think we know what that means.
Yeah, it means, "Get the hall porter, There's a frog in my bidet, " Well, what's "Your father was a baboon's rump, "and your mother was always at it with sailors"? - I'm not telling you, - It's because you're bored, isn't it? - That's why you're both annoying me.
- I'm not bored, I've devised a system to revolutionise music, - Get outta town! - Yeah, I've decimalised it, Instead of the octave, it's the decadive, I've invented two new notes, H and J, You can't just i nvent new notes.
Well, I have, Now it goes,,, # Doh, ray, me, fah, soh, lah, woh, boh, tee, doh # Doh, tee, boh, woh, lah, soh, fah, me, ray, doh # - What are you drivelli ng about? - "Hol Rock, " It'll be whole new sound, All the instruments will be bigger, Triangles will have four sides, Piano keyboards the length of zebra crossings, Women will have to be banned from playing the cello, - Hollyshut up! - Oh, I haven 't told you the news, - What news? - A signal, We're getting a signal, I just thought I'd mention it, - Aliens.
- Oh, God.
"Aliens"! Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens.
You lose your keys - it's aliens.
A picture falls down - it's aliens.
That day we used up a whole bog roll - aliens.
We didn't use it all, Lister.
Who did? Rimmer, aliens used our bog roll?! Being aliens doesn't mean they don't have to visit the little boys' room.
Although they probably do something weird, Iike it comes out of their heads.
Well, I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a cinema! Here, mousey, mousey! I got some cheese! I only wanna be your friend! - Yo, Cat! - Huh? We're getting a signal.
Come on.
Aliens! It's a distress call from a ship called the Nova 5, They've crash landed, - I'm trying to establish contact, - Another ship? Brilliant! - It's not aliens? - No, they're from Earth, I hope they've got some spare stuff, We're short on a few supplies, - Like what? - Cow's milk, Ran out of that yonks ago, Fresh and dehydrated, - What ki nd are we usi ng now? - Emergency supply, Dog's milk, - Dog's milk?! - Nothing wrong with dog's milk, Full of goodness, full of vitamins,,, full of marrowbone jelly, Lasts longer than any other type of milk, - Why? - No bugger'll drink it, Plus, when it goes off, it tastes the same as when it's fresh, Why didn't you tell me, Holly? What? And spoil your tea? - Hang about, We've got contact, - Punch it up.
Thank goodness! My name's Kryten, I'm the Nova 5 service mechanoid, We've had a accident, The male officers died on impact, The female officers are injured, but stable, Please help, Is that female as i n soft and squidgy? - How many? - Three, Miss Jane, Miss Tracy and Miss Anne, I'm transmitting medical details, Tell them we're coming aboard! We'll rescue these fair blooms, or my name's not Captain A J Rimmer, Space Adventurer! - Thank you, Captain, - "Space Adventurer"?! What do I say? "Fear not, I'm the guy who cleans the chicken soup machine! "We know sod all about space travel, "but if you've got a blocked nozzle, we're your lads!" - That'll fill them with confidence.
- How far away? - About 24 hours, - What? Only 24 hours? I'd better start gettin' ready! # Twenty four hours # Aow! First in the shower room! I'm so excited, all six of my nipples are tinglin'! What's wrong with him? We're on a mission of mercy! We're taking them urgent medical supplies.
We're not on the pull.
Yo! No, not on the pull, are we, Lister? Look at you.
Absolutely pathetic! You're wearing all your least smeggy things.
I don't know what you mean.
That T-shirt with only two curry stains, you only wear on special occasions.
You're toffed up to the nines, laddie! What about you? You look like Clive of India, or the one whose mum uses new biological Biz! Oh, it's started! I knew it would! - What has? - The put-downs.
It's always the same.
Put me down, so you look good.
- Like when? - Those brunettes from Supplies.
I said I worked in Stores, and they asked what I did.
- And I said you were a shelf! - Exactly.
I suggested a trip to Titan Zoo, and you said, "He's taking you to meet his mum already!" - So? They laughed.
- At me.
At my expense.
- Just don't put me down.
- OK.
What do you want me to say? - For a start, don't call me Rimmer.
- Why not? You always put the emphasis on "Rim".
Makes me sound like a disinfectant.
What should I call you? Rimere? I don't know "Arnie", "Arn".
Something with a bit more I don't know How about "Big Man"? "Big Man"? - Or my nickname at school? - "Bonehead"? - How did you know that? - I was only guessing.
- I meant the other one.
- What other one? "Ace".
Get outta town! Your nickname was never "Ace".
Maybe "Acehole".
It WAS my nickname at school, actually.
It's just no one ever called me it.
What are you saying, Rimmer? I'm saying build me up, don't put me down.
Likeif the opportunity occurs, and it crops up in conversation, you could perhaps mention that I'm very brave.
- Do what?! - Don't go ape.
Just sort of mention, perhaps, thatI died, and that I was pretty incredibly brave about it.
Perhaps you could mention that I've had tons of girlfriends? Oh, forget it! It was just an idea.
You're not wearing those boots? - What's wrong with them? - Oh, they just don't go.
You should wear your Day-Glo orange moon boots.
- You said they were disgusting.
- No, very chic.
You said they smelled like an orang-utan's posing pouch.
They set off one of the chemical alarms.
You put them in the airlock.
No, they look terrific.
I'd wear them.
- Honest? - Definitely.
Come along, everybody! They're here.
They're in orbit! (GASPS) Miss Jane! What about your hair? What a mess you look.
Now, smart but casual.
Miss Anne, why, you haven't touched your soup.
No wonder you're beginning to look so pasty.
Oh, no! Do eat nicely, Miss Anne! What will the visitors think if they see you eating like that? Miss Tracey No You look absolutely perfect.
- What's that smell? - I can't smell anything.
Your eyes are watering.
It's the excitement.
We can't wait for Cat.
Let's just go.
Come on.
He's been preparing for a day.
Aow! Wait for me! Hi, monkeys! It's me, the plastic surgeon's nightmare! - A spacesuit with cufflinks?! - Where'd you get the helmet? I made it.
I didn't want to mess up my hair.
Hey, listen - don't pass any mirrors, 'cause if we do, I'm there for the day! (SNIFFS) Phew! What's that smell? All right? Everybody ready? Let's go, - What are you doing? - What? What's wrong? - Why are you wearing a toupee? - What toupee? - The one on your head.
- Whose head? - You look like a game show host.
- What's wrong with everyone? Three million years without women and you're like 14-year-olds! - What about you and the socks? - What socks? - Come on! - He's wearing two pairs of socks, - Why? - One pair on his feet, the other down his trousers, Come in, come in.
How lovely to meet you.
Charmita! And what a delightful craft you have.
- Reminds me of my first command.
- This way, please.
(WHISPERS) Ace.
- Hey, you're a work of art, baby! - (LISTER) Psst! You're gonna have to help me, man! Thank you! I'm so excited! We all are.
The girls could hardly stop jumping up and down! Ah! Charmita, charmita! Ah! Vi parolas Esperanto, Kapitano Rimmer? - Come again? - You speak Esperanto? Oh! Si, si, si! Jahwohl! Oui! Well, here they are.
Charmita! Well It's difficult to know what to say isn't it, Ace? Isn't anybody going to say hello? I think the blonde one's giving you the eye.
Well, I'll leave you to get acquainted.
I'll just go and fix some tea.
- Hi, baby! - I don't believe this.
Be strong, Big Man.
Our first contact in three million and two years, and it's the android Norman Bates.
Come on! So, they're a little skinny! Listen, girls.
I don't know whether this is the time, but my mate Ace is incredibly brave.
Smeg off, dogfood face.
- And he's got tons of girlfriends! - I'm warning you, Lister.
Is anything the matter? Anything the matter? They're dead! Who's dead? THEY are dead! They're all dead! My God! I was only away two minutes! They've been dead for centuries! - No.
- Yes! Are you a doctor? Look at them! They've got less meat on them than a Chicken Nuggett! What am I going to do? I'm programmed to serve them.
- I think we should bury them.
- You're that sure they're dead? - Yes! - What about this one? Er, there's a simple test.
All right, girls, hands up those of you who are alive.
What am I going to do? I can't leave them! Mr David, please, please, take me back! You've got to start a new life.
I haven't got the software to cope with this.
I was created to serve.
I serve, therefore I am.
It's my purpose to serve without regard for myself.
- You sound like my mum.
- It's all I know.
You've got to change.
Do what you want.
Stop being everyone's smeggin' doormat.
That's easy for you to say, you're human.
Only just.
Ah, Kryten! Nothing to do, eh? Follow me.
What the smeggin' hell is going on? - Good afternoon, Mr David, sir.
- What are these? - Your boxer shorts, Mr David, sir.
- No way are these mine.
These bend! - What have you done? - I've done a spot of tidying up.
Where is everything? Where's me coffee cup with the mould in it? - I threw it away, sir.
- I was breeding that mould! His name was Albert! I was trying to get him two foot high! - Why, sir? - Because it drives Rimmer nuts.
Driving Rimmer nuts is what keeps me going.
- I'm sorry, Mr David, sir.
- Look at you.
- Why are you doing this? - Serving makes me happy, sir.
But don't you want to do anything for yourself? Myself? That's a barmy notion, if you don't mind my saying so, sir! There must be something you look forward to.
Androids.
# Androids # Everybody needs good androids # - That stupid soap opera? Why? - Because I can forget I'm me.
Androids.
What else? - Being asleep.
- Androids and being asleep? Sounds like a crazy, fun-packed life you lead there, Kryten, me old son! I have strange thoughts when I'm asleep.
- Yeah, they're called dreams.
- My favourite is about a garden.
I've never even seen a garden, except in books.
And I've planted everything and made it grow.
It's my garden, and there's no one there but me, just me and all the things I made live.
Silly.
No, it isn't.
Find a planet and do it.
I can't.
I'm programmed to serve.
But there's no one to serve now, Kryten.
What about Mr Arnold? I've got to complete Mr Arnold's tasks.
You what?! Rimmer gave you all this? Well, Mr Arnold is my master now.
"Mr Arnold" isn't his name.
His name's "Rimmer" or "Smeghead" or "Dinosaur Breath", or "Molecule Mind".
And on a very rare occasion, when you wanna be really mega-polite to him, you can call him "Arsehole".
(CAT) Yeah, yeah, yeah! I think it'll be best on that wall, sort of dominating the room.
- Yes, Mr Arnold, sir.
- "Yes Mr Arnold, sir!" - You're a total gwenlin, Kryten.
- Yes, Mr David, sir.
- "Yes Mr David, sir!" - Leave it alone, Lister.
- It enjoys the tasks I give it.
- Drop dead, Rimmer.
- Already have done.
- Encore.
A cat would never be a servant.
Ever see a cat return a stick? "Hey, man, you threw the stick, you go get it yourself.
I'm busy! "If you wanted the stick, why'd you throw it away?" Kryten, you got nothing from those movies.
- What movies? - Mr David showed me the Wild Ones, Easy Rider and Rebel Without A Cause.
I thought it might do him good.
Fat chance.
During Marlon Brando's rebel speech, he gets a brush-a-matic and does my lapels! Well, now maybe you'll learn, Lister.
There's a natural order to things.
Some give orders, others obey.
That's how it's always been, that's how it'll always be.
Eh, Kryten? - Oh, yes, Mr Arnold, sir.
- Oh, what's the point? - Well, I've finished, Mr Arnold, sir.
- Excellent, Kryten! I think it's rather good.
Don't you? - WHAT are you doing? - I, erm I think I'm, er I'm rebelling.
- Rebelling? - I, ersort of I think that's what I'm doing.
Youare rebelling? Yes.
What are you rebelling against? (AS MARLON BRANDO) Whaddya got? Dinosaur breath! Molecule mind! Smeg-for-brains! - I need your bike! - You got it! Swivel on it, punk! # It's cold outside # There's no kind of atmosphere # I'm all alone, more or less # Let me fly far away from here # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose # Drinking fresh mango juice # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun #