Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Better Than Life

(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC) Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf, Its crew; Dave Lister, the last human being alive; Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate; and a creature who evolved from the ship's cat, Message ends, Additional, Loneliness weighs heavily on us all, Personally, the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that we are over 60 billion miles from the nearest Berni Inn, For a mi ld stomach upset, take one teaspoonful.
For acute indigestion, take two.
Well, a highly enjoyable meal all round.
Obviously, you can't expect perfection first time, but I was quite delighted with my dumplings.
Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings, when they're properly cooked to perfection, proper dumplings should not bounce.
True, but compared to what I thought they'd be like, they were superb.
- So, how's the Cat? - He's sleeping off the stomach pump.
He'll be all right.
The lamb was a flop, though.
The lamb? Everybody thought the lamb was the cheese! And that lemon meringue pie, what was in that? - You liked that.
You brought some back.
- Yeah, to try on my athlete's foot.
It's not easy, Lister, cookingwhen you're dead, you don't exist, when you're made entirely of light.
That's your excuse for everything, being dead.
I'm trying to rehabilitate myself, trying to do the everyday things that living people take for granted.
- You've got the skutters to help you.
- What? Pinky and smegging Perky? What use are they? It's like giving Blind Pew contact lenses.
- They only do what you tell them to.
- They don't.
You say, "Keep an eye on that lamb," and they watch it burn.
They've got no emotion.
It's not built into their software.
Their broom cupboard is full of pin-ups of John Wayne.
That's not right.
Piled this high with Film Fun magazines.
That's not the way spanners behave.
Oi, What's happening, dudes? - Hi, Hol.
- Guess what? - (BOTH) What? - Go on, guess, - What is it vaguely about? - No clues, just guess, I knew you wouldn 't get it, - The post pod's arrived, - The mail?! It's been tracking us since we left Earth, It's taken three million years?! Yeah, that's about average for second-class post, (CAPS BANG) See what I mean? (HOLLERS LIKE RED INDIAN) There's everything, all the mail, a new batch of movies Oh, the new Friday 13th movie, Friday 13th Part 1,649.
Casablanca! They've re-made Casablanca.
Philistines! I mean, Casablanca? The one starring Myra Binglebat and Peter Beardsley was definitive.
I saw that, Knockout, "Of all the space bars in all the worlds, "you had to re-materialise in mine, " Look, a whole year of Earth news.
And two seasons of zero-G football.
- I 'll see you in the spring.
- What are total immersion video games? Where?! Oh, these are brilliant! You can't get these for love nor money.
These are like Venus' arms.
These are like Brooke Shields' buttocks.
- What are they? - They're computer games, aren't they? But electrodes are inserted into your frontal lobes, right? So, you actually feel as though you're really there.
Yes! Fine.
Holly, there's a video letter for you.
Bung it on, - Strike a light! It's Gordon, - Who's Gordon? The AI computer on the Scott Fitzgerald, He's got an IQ of *,000, All right, Hol? It,,, It's Gordon, Awesome, his intellect, I tell you, Here's the latest move in our chess game, My move is pawn,,, That's the little knobbly ones down the front,,, Pawn to King 4, Your move, Well, I'd better sign off now, See you, Hol, Bye, H,,, How do you turn this off, then? You were playi ng postal chess with him? A chance to challenge that intellect? I'd be a fool not to, Pawn to King 4, eh? He's a sly one, - So, who's winning, Hol? - Well, he is really, That was the first move, - Me MeMe You Me - It's all junk mail, yours, you know? Me Me Me You send off for every bit of rubbish going, just so you have mail to open.
Me Me "Please rush me my portable walrus-polishing kit.
"Four super brushes that clean even the trickiest of seabound mammals.
" "Yes, I am over 18, although my IQ isn't.
" Me Me Smeg! Outland Revenue.
Oh-oh-oh! Outland Revenue.
How will you pay for that, eh? I'm not.
It's yours.
What?! No.
This is wrong.
This is well wrong, Lister.
They won't catch you now.
Because we're three million years into deep space and humans are extinct? That means nothing to them.
They'll find us.
- I'll be worrying all the time now.
- Me Oh, another one for you.
"Rear Admiral Lieutenant General Rimmer"?! That's from my mother.
Rear Admiral? Whenever I take an exam, I say I passed.
By now, I should be in charge of the universe.
- Shall I open it? - Open it.
"Dear Rimmer" Is this from your mum? That's Mumsie.
This handwriting's terrible.
"I hope this epistle finds you adequately healthy "to discharge your duties" Maybe I shouldn't read this deeply personal stuff.
- Just get on with it.
- "I write to" I can't read that.
Oh, "I write to inform you that your father is dad.
" Well, of course he is.
Maybe it's "your father/dad".
- "Dead".
- I can't make it out.
- My father is dead.
- What? My father is dead.
Oh, yeah, it's an "E"! That's what it is.
Your father's dead, Rimmer.
Oh, eh.
Is that all she says? Just that he passed away peacefully in his Jeep.
- Can't sleep? - Hmm.
- (SIGHS) No, me, neither.
- Hmmm.
I remember when my dad died.
I was only six.
I got loads of presents off everyone like it was Christmas.
I remember wishing more people would die, so I could complete me Lego set.
My grandma tried to explain.
She said he'd gone away and wasn't coming back.
I wanted to know where.
She said he was happy and he'd gone to the same place as me goldfish.
I thought they'd flushed him down the bog.
I thought he was just round the U-bend, you know? I used to stuff food down and magazines for him to read.
They took me to a child psychologist when they found me with my head down the bowl reading the football results.
I knew he was dead.
I mean, they're all dead, aren't they? But that letter makes it seem like it happened yesterday.
- You never said much about him.
- No.
- You must have been pretty close.
- Close? - Sorry.
Very close.
- Close? I hated him.
I detested his fat, stupid guts, the pop-eyed, balding git.
- Eh? - He wanted to join the Space Corps, be an officer, but he was an inch below regulation height.
One inch.
I had three brothers.
When we were young, he bought a traction machine to stretch us.
By the time my brother Frank was eleven, he was six foot five.
Every morning, he'd measure us.
If we hadn't grown, back on the rack.
Sounds like he had a screw loose.
I don't think he had one screw tightened, to be honest.
He had this fixation with the Space Corps.
At meal times, he'd ask us questions on astronavigation.
- If we got them wrong, no food.
- How did you cope? I didn't.
I nearly died of malnutrition.
I thought you adored your parents.
- When I was 14, I divorced them.
- What? I took them to court.
I got paid maintenance until employment age and weekend access to the dog.
So, why are you so completely blown away about him dying, then? Oh, I still respected him.
It was natural.
He was my father.
There's nothing natural about your family, Rimmer.
It's just I always wanted just once, just once, for him to say to me, "Well done".
- For what? - For something, anything.
I wanted him to be proud of me, just once.
And now (CAT) Aow! My stomach has been pumped, and now I'm hungry.
Hey, there you are! Hey, I'm so hungry, I just have to eat.
Rimmer's dad's died.
I'd prefer chicken.
Good evening, Here is the news on Friday, 27th Geldof, Archaeologists near Mount Sinai have discovered what is believed to be a missing page from the Bible, The page is presently being carbon dated, If genuine, it's from the beginning of the Bible, and reads,,, "To my darling Candy, "All characters portrayed within this book are fictitious, "Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, " The page has been universally condemned by church leaders, Europe, A terrorist representing the Revolutionary Working Front,,, - Listen - Pause! About your father.
If it's any help, he's in the ground now.
Sure, it's bad news for him, but it's party time for all the little worms.
There's just no consoling him.
Me and the Cat are playing a TIV.
Do you want to come? Come on.
Holly can key you in.
No? - Play.
- (TV),, was arrested today, The man was attempting to poison the spring in France, the source of the world's Perrier water, Had he succeeded, experts believe the middle class would have been wiped out, Techno news, The new sensation sweeping the solar system is the total immersion video game Better Than Life, Using the new SensoLock feedback technique, Better Than Life detects your desires and fantasies and makes them come true, So great is its appeal, when one store in New Tokyo ran out of stocks, rubber nuclear weapons had to be used on the crowds, England's underwater hockey team's tour of Titan,,, - Better Than Life - here it is.
- Bri lliant! (CAT) Let's play! Key me in, Holly.
(SEAGULLS CALL) What sort of game is this? It's incredible.
It's just like being here.
(LISTER) Yes! # Boop-boop be doo # That's what's-her-name, the actress from the 20th century.
Er Mary Magdalene.
It's Marilyn Monroe, you gimp.
I think she fancies you.
What does that prove? She's not blind.
Hey, baby.
I'll catch you later, OK? It's absolutely incredible.
Look! Look! Excuse me.
You're probably really busy, but you are my all-time favourite dictator.
I've read all your war diaries.
Your Italian campaign was brilliant.
Er Could you just sign this for me? Make it out, "To my good pal Arnie from your chum Napoleon Bonaparte.
" It's not for me, it's for my sister, Alison.
Er We call her Arnie.
(MOUTHS) Napoleon Bonaparte's autograph?! Gentlemen.
Welcome to Better Than Life.
You must be hungry.
There's a restaurant down the beach.
How do we get there? Anyway you want.
This is Better Than Life.
Any way we want? (LISTER LAUGHS EXCITEDLY) Yo! I'm thinking too small.
Think big! That's more like it.
(BRASS BAND ON RADIO) - McGruder! - Hi, Tiger! (BOTH GROWL) I bet you're wearing a peephole bra.
Yes, I am! We're just one thing away from perfection.
Where's Rimmer? I thought he was right behind us.
Your caviar vindaloo, sir.
Half rice, half chips and lots more bread and butter to follow.
- I've never eaten anything this classy.
- Better Than Life, sir.
- Yours was the fish, sir? - What are you doing?! I always do this when someone gives me food.
As ordered.
A small aquarium.
Are you sure you wouldn't like one cooked? No, sir.
I like my food to move.
# I'm going to eat you, little fishy # Mr Rimmersir.
They're on table K on the second terrace.
# I'm going to eat you, little fishy, I'm going to eat you, little fishy # 'Cause I like little fish # I'm sorry.
I don't know what happened.
I was driving along, and suddenly, there was McGruder.
Well, one thing led to another and God, this is a great game! Twice in one lifetime? I'm becoming Hugh Hefner.
- Rimmer, you can touch things! - Why do you think I was late? - Have you seen your room? - What room? Mine is brilliant.
I've got a vibrating waterbed in the shape of a guitar.
Yeah? Well, you should see my wardrobe.
It's so big it crosses a time zone.
When it's 3.
00 where my shirts are, it's 7 am for my socks.
- (MAN) Admiral? - What about my electronic lavvy? It comes when you call, takes your trousers down, does everything.
- It's just so stylish.
- (MAN) Admiral.
Who is that? Just because he knows an Admiral, does he have to broadcast it? (MAN) Admiral Rimmer, sir.
(FEIGNS A YAWN) Yawn-o-rama city.
We know an Admiral.
Admiral Rimmer, Field Marshall Clifton sends his compliments and wonders if you'd join him for cigars.
There must be some mistake.
I'm not an admiral.
I love this game.
Gentlemen, excuse me.
Dom Perignon '54, sir, in a pint mug as requested.
Thank you, my man.
That's a good year.
(LAUGHTER) So, I said to Hollister Well, I can't actually remember what I said, but it was one of the most frighteningly witty put-downs ever.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, bravo, sir! Bravo Sir, I know it's an awful bore, but would you mind just signing this? What's that, you little pipsqueak? My Incredible Career by Admiral A J Rimmer.
I've read it 18 times, sir.
- There you go, laddo.
- Gosh, I'll be the envy of the academy.
- Father.
- Son.
- What are you doing here? - I'm sorry to barge in on you and your officer chummies, but - Yes? - I just wanted to tell you - Yes? - I just wanted to say - Yes? - I just wanted to say you're a total smeghead! What? This isn't my fantasy! No, it's mine.
Yes! Whoo! Hey, move over, man.
I want to plant my egg.
- It's called a ball.
- Are you telling me how to play? You think cats never played golf? OK (LISTER MAKES CAR NOISES) - I'm really thirsty, you know? - Yeah? - Perhaps a banana bomb, sir.
- Thank you, my man.
Hi, sugar! How about a bit of ooby-dooby-doo? How's about a bit of ooby-dooby-don't? What a pest! All right? What's happening, dudes? We're having a real nice time.
I'm dating Marilyn Monroe and another girl who's a mermaid.
She's half woman, half fish.
It's Miranda, my girlfriend.
Yoo-hoo! I imagined woman on top and fish on the bottom, No.
That's a stupid way round.
(CHILDREN SHOUTING) (RIMMER) Don't ever do that again! (McGRUDER) Don't talk to me like that! (ARGUING AND SHOUTING) - What happened to you? - Lister.
Ah, this a great game, Lister.
I couldn't be happier.
Who are all those guys? It's McGruder.
She got pregnant, so this morning, she made me marry her, and this afternoon, we had seven kids.
Where's your E-Type? It was too impractical, with kids and everything.
You fantasise about seven kids and a mortgage? (WEAKLY) Help! Arnold! Where are the nappy sacks? My brain's rebelled.
It just won't accept nice things happening to me.
It just keeps fantasisinghorribleness.
- Mr Rimmer? - Yes? Mr Arnold Judas Rimmer? - Yes.
- Outland Revenue, sir.
Oh, my God! This is a demand for immediate payment.
If you are unable to pay, I am instructed to break your legs and remove your thumbssir.
What can I do? I'm broke.
I'll pay, man.
I'll pay.
I'll pay.
Where's all me money gone? Oh, no! I just fantasised it all away.
This is getting worse.
Help me! Don't move! A huge, black, furry spider just crawled up your trouser leg! I know! I put it there! It's the thing I'm afraid of most! - This is getting out of hand! - I know! Ah! He's into my boxers.
- Wish it away.
- I can't! - Concentrate, man! - I can't! What's he done now? - I'm sorry! - What's going on? We're smeared with jam and being eaten by killer ants.
- Why?! - Why not? (TUTS) You can't take him anywhere, can you? - You've ruined this, Rimmer! - We're going to die and it's my fault! (ALL SCREAM) (ALL SCREAM) - You're a total dinglebat! - I'm sorry! We were having a great time until you came along.
You're a bozo.
Nice things just don't happen to me.
- Hey, what's that? - It's a letter for Rimmer.
"Dear sir, due to a computer error, "you were wrongly informed that you had failed the astronavigation exam.
"You passed and are hereby promoted to Navigation Officer First Class.
"We enclose your pips and insignia.
" Smegging hell! Who said nice things never happen to you? - I did! - We're still in the game! You certainly are.
Now, what about my 18 grand? It's bone-crunching time, my old china.
Now, where's those little thumbies? # It's cold outside # There's no kind of atmosphere # I'm all alone, more or less # Let me fly far away from here # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose # Drinking fresh mango juice # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun #