Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Bodyswap

There's another.
Circuit board epsilon 14598, red corridor 357.
- Re-routed.
- Turn.
And another.
Circuit board theta 29555, blue corridor 212.
What's happening, guys? I thought we were playing poker? - Didn't you get the message? - What message? A skutter went bananas and rewired the maintenance decks upside down.
We've got over 2,000 wiring faults.
Don't breathe.
Don't touch anything.
- The ship's a gigantic booby trap.
- No poker, then? We can't find the auto-destruct system.
It's wired up to something.
Tell the Cat.
It's taken me ages to mark these cards.
- We can't touch anything? - Not until we get the all-clear.
- How long's that? - God knows.
Milk shake and a crispy bar.
Poker's gone for a burton.
Auto-destruct sequence initiated.
The ship will detonate in 15 minutes.
- That was a very dumb thing to do.
- I wasn't thinking.
Red Dwarf will self-destruct in 14 minutes and 50 seconds.
Abandon ship.
You have 13 minutes and 45 seconds to detonation.
- Cancel! - You have 12 minutes and 45 seconds - Cancel! - You have 10 minutes - Cancel! - You have 9 minutes I said touch nothing, didn't I? I just ordered a shake and a crispy bar.
- Lucky it wasn't a double cheeseburger! - Eight minutes, 20 seconds and counting.
- How do we switch it off? - Only the Captain can override it.
- Dead.
- Or a senior officer.
- Dead.
- I suppose, really, I should have updated the system.
Could we trick it into thinking one of us is the Captain? No.
It checks his voice and brain scan.
Self-destruct in eight minutes, Think of something.
You're supposed to have an IQ of 6,000.
Think of something.
- I'm thinking.
- Self-destruct in eight minutes.
- Well? - I've collated every single option, and there are three realistic alternatives.
One - sit here and get blown up.
Two - stand here and get blown up.
Three - jump up and down, shout at me, then get blown up.
- There must be something? - Perhaps we could try a mind-swap? It's something we tried once on the Nova 5.
It uses exactly the same science as generating a hologram.
We wipe all your brain patterns and put them on a storage disk.
Then we transfer the Captain's mind from his hologram disk into your empty brain.
- You tried this on Nova 5? - Oh, yes.
- Did it work? - No, but I'm sure I know what went wrong.
Two minutes to self-destruct and counting.
- So, I'll have the Captain's mind? - Yes.
Then, hopefully, the machine will think you're the Captain, and you can override it.
- But where will my mind be? - On this.
One minute, 50 seconds and counting.
We couldn't find the Captain's disk, but Brown was executive officer.
Brown's got clearance.
- What's that for? - It's a mental emetic.
- A what? - A mind enema - To flush out your brain.
- Nobody's flushin' out my brain.
- We'll transfer it back.
- You're not sticking that in my head! One minute and 40 seconds and counting.
- It's our only chance.
- Smeg off! Look, man, I'm not asking just for me.
I'm asking I'm beggin' you, do it for the sake of my suits.
Are you gonna let my scarlet PVC morning suit with the imitation penguin-fur collars get blown to smithereens? - Could you live with yourself? - One minute, 30 seconds and counting.
Look, I agree, it's a stupid idea.
It almost certainly won't work, but the very worst that can happen, the bottom line, is that you spend the rest of your life as a gibbering vegetable.
But if the rest of your life is 30 seconds, what the hell? Do it.
(RAPID BLEEPING) Keep that safe.
It's Lister's mind.
- (WOMAN'S VOICE) What's going on? - No time to explain, but the auto-destruct system has started, and we need you to deactivate it.
Something's wrong.
Something's different.
Wait a minute, I never used to be a man! - Look, we'll explain later.
- Why have I got male sexual organs? If we don't override the auto-destruct in the next 20 seconds, those sexual organs will be in orbit around the nearest planet, along with every one else's organs, sexual or otherwise.
- 15 seconds to detonation.
- Abort sequence X-1-X.
- Identify.
- Carol Brown, Executive Officer, security clearance 0-1-0-1-0-1.
Pause for verification.
Verification rejected.
Abort denied.
Auto-destruct sequence continued.
Detonation in 5 seconds.
- Sen-smegging-sational.
- Well done, fink face.
- Three - What a brilliant plan.
- Two - Just great.
Initiate self-destruct.
Thank you for using Auto-Serve Dispensing Machines.
- Number one in quality.
- What happened? It was wired to the warning system, - but not the bomb.
- So where's the bomb? We haven't got a bomb.
- What? - I got rid of it ages ago.
- Why didn't you say? - You never asked.
Terrific! But remember this - you're getting my underwear bill, buddy.
- You awake? - (NORMAL VOICE) Yeah, can't sleep.
- Probably those kippers.
- Nothin' wrong with kippers.
But kippers vindaloo? It can't be good for you.
A curry every night cannot be good for you.
It's certainly no good for me.
I'm thinking of getting a canary.
- Why? - To check if it's safe to come in.
- It's not that bad! - Not that bad? You don't sweat sweat, you sweat madras sauce.
- Why the sudden interest in my diet? - It's not just your diet, Lister.
It's your health in general.
You eat crap, you don't exercise, you smoke, you drink Frankly, it's beginning to show.
- I'm OK.
- You're getting porky.
Porky? Last week, during that lights failure, your silhouette was cast onto the wall.
- I thought it was Alfred Hitchcock.
- Are you sayin' I've got a gut? You've got more gut than a Turkish butcher's shop.
No, really, have I put on weight? You've reached that age, Listy.
When you're younger, you can eat and drink what you like and still climb into your 26-inch-waist trousers and zip them closed.
Then you reach that age - 24, 25 - your muscles give up, wave a white flag, then without warning, you're suddenly a fat bastard.
I'm not fat, I'm porky! Have you never held up a frog by its head? You know how its belly sticks out above its spindly little legs? That's what I see when you get down from the bunk.
Maybe you're right.
Yeah, I'm gonna start working out in the gym.
Of course, you could always - No, you'd never agree to it.
- What? We do a swap.
My mind in your body, yours in mine.
You saw how easy it was.
Lend me your body for a while, and I'll get it fit.
Plenty of exercise, sensible diet, no more booze, no more ciggies.
It'll be like a 12,000-mile service for your body.
- And in the meantime, I'm a hologram? - It's only for a couple of weeks.
You're talking like it's a pair of hedge trimmers or somethin'.
I'd return it intact.
More than intact, it'd be fitter.
Rimmer, you're not having my body.
Why are you worried? How can I treat it any worse? You admit you don't look after it properly.
I would.
What do you say? (RAPID BLEEPING) (LISTER) No welchin'.
(RIMMER) Of course not.
(LISTER) A fortnight.
(RIMMER) 14 days.
- Two weeks.
- Absolutely-doodly.
(HUMS MILITARY TUNE) (UNZIPS) This hat is smeggin' stupid.
I look like Captain Emerald.
- Holly, do somethin' about it, man.
- OK, Dave.
(RIMMER) What's this under his nails? Oh, my God! I'm going to have this dirt carbon dated.
Luncheon, sir.
Ah! Food.
Real food.
To eat, perchance to taste.
It's exactly as you ordered, sir.
Lightly poached Mimian bladder fish, four dozen oysters, duck's feet in abalone sauce I can touch, I can taste, I can smell! Roast suckling pig stuffed with chestnuts and truffles.
- Mmm! - Mashed potato.
- With cream and butter? - A pint of cream and a pound of butter.
Let the orgy commence! (GUZZLES AND GRUNTS) (SLURPS) How's the diet goin'? Do you know, I think I went temporarily insane.
It was just too much.
I haven't tasted food in three million and two years.
I was like an animal.
- I want my body back.
- It won't happen again.
- It's out of my system.
- MY system.
Why are you smoking? - One cigar! - You should be gettin' me fit.
- I'll start tomorrow.
- You better bleedin' had.
Hey! What are you doin' dressed like that? Why do you want to look like Goalpost-Head? Have you flipped? You want to look like a man with ears so large that they pick up satellite TV? Why do you want to look like that smeg-head Rimmer? - Because - (SCREECHES) I am that smeg-head Rimmer.
(LECHEROUS GROANING) Please! These are supposed to be women? Ah, this is what I call training.
That letter, that letter, that letter.
Hey, hey, hey! I've got you now, buddy! J-O-Z-X-Y-Q-K.
- That's not a word.
- It's a cat word.
- Jozxyqk? - That's not how you pronounce it.
- What's it mean? - It's the sound you make when you trap your sexual organs in something - "Jozxyqk!!" - Is it in the dictionary? - It could be.
If you were reading in the nude and closed the book too quick "Jozxyqk!!" Ah! What a session! What a work out! No pain, no gain, Listy.
- On the scales.
I'm weighing you.
- No need.
See that stomach.
Hasn't been that flat in years.
- Scales, please.
- There's really no need.
On the scales! - You've put on two stone! - Of course I have.
I've been taking yeast extract, building up your body.
- Take the robe off.
- Why? - Take it off.
- You're not seeing my naked body.
- It's mine! - What's he hiding? - Off with the robe.
- Just Off! Oh, this? This is a hernia-prevention belt.
- I forgot to take it off.
- It's a girdle.
- 'Course it isn't.
- It's got dangly things for stockings.
They're for attaching extra weights to, so you can get fit as you walk around.
I want me body back now.
Look, OK.
I went a bit bananas at first, but that's all over now.
It's in my interest to get you into shape.
This could be a regular thing.
In fact, next year, I'd like the last two weeks of July.
- I want it back.
- One last chance? - No more troughin'.
- I promise.
And take that girdle off.
It doesn't suit me.
(MOANING AND SLURPING) Holly, lights! That's it! I'm completely sick of it.
- (MOUTH FULL) Mmmph? Mmmm? - That is IT! - What is it? - You've been porkin' again.
- I have not! - I want my body back now.
- I've only had it a week! - This wasn't the deal.
You've welched.
And what's this in the bin? Me locks are in the bin! - You said you pinned 'em up? - I did but theyfell off.
Fell off? Science lab, now! It's the middle of the night.
Kryten's on down time.
(RAPID BLEEPING) How much did you smoke? Me lungs feel like they've been through a cheese grater! - You got your body back.
Leave me alone.
- Oh! (COUGHS) I only have a few rollies.
It feels like you've smoked an entire Cuban tobacco harvest.
- I had the odd one.
- No respect, that's what.
You've shown my body no respect whatsoever.
You've treated it like smeg.
Look You've given me breasts.
There's a distinct cleavage there.
One week in my body and you've given me a bosom.
These scales are wrong.
These scales have to be wrong.
It's average for your height.
Rimmer, it would be average for my height if I happened to be a pregnant hippo.
You weren't exactly Charles Atlas to start with, were you? You haven't been treating my athlete's foot.
Frankly, I was afraid of touching it.
I told you, you have to wash and powder my feet three times a day, and buff with a pumice stone.
I couldn't touch those things three times a day.
I was only brave enough to remove your socks once.
Look at my stomach.
Look at it! Paint "Goodyear" on it, you could float me over the Super Bowl.
Look, I refuse to take the rap for that body.
I added a few pounds to its already ample frame, but it was a wreck before I got anywhere near it.
A wreck? If it was a car you would be an insurance write-off.
Nothing works.
Your taste buds are clapped out.
You've killed them stone dead with 25 years of non-stop curries.
All the aches and pains you never mention? Twinges in your back, crimps in your neck.
Oh, and a little tip - urine should only be green if you're Mr Spock.
It's the last time you borrow it, that's for goddamn sure.
What about next year? We agreed.
Last two weeks in July.
Why do you want it? It's a wreck.
Unfortunately, if you can't get two weeks in the Caribbean, Grimsby's better than nothing.
- You can't back out.
- I only said that to get it back.
Do you think I'm mad? You are never borrowing my body again.
Get some sleep.
You'll feel different in the morning.
I'm really not sure about this.
You're programmed to obey.
Get on with it.
- Surely, we should ask him first? - I told you, he's perfectly happy about the situation.
Then, why did we chloroform him? And why did he struggle? I'm in charge, Kryten.
I'll take full responsibility.
- But, sir - Science lab, pronto! If he comes around, give him another whack.
(RAPID BLEEPING) (LISTER'S VOICE) Are you awake, man? Rimmer? No, please.
No! Play message.
(RIMMER'S VOICE) Hi! It's me.
I told you you'd feel different in the morning.
Thing is, this week has been absolute heaven.
I couldn't just let you have your body back.
That's why I've taken Starbug and done a runner.
Don't worry, in a month, I'll return it.
Maybe six weeks, but don't try and follow me, otherwise the body gets it.
Cat! (CAT) You want my what?! - (LISTER) It'll only take a few hours.
- You want my body? I need your body to get mine back.
You've already lost one body.
Come on! You really expect me to lend you mine? I'm a hologram.
How else am I supposed to chase him? I need your body.
One question.
Would you let a garbage truck driver use your Rolls-Royce? How else can I pilot White Midget? I'll do it.
(MARCHING MUSIC) Rimmer! It's no use runnin'.
We've got you in visual range.
- Turn around and head back to the ship.
- I told you not to follow me.
Leave me alone or you-know-what happens.
- He's bluffing.
- I'm not bluffing.
I think he means it, man.
He's flipped.
It must be cream cake poisoning.
- I'm going in.
- He must be bluffing.
- Say he isn't? - It's gastronomic terrorism! - We can't just let it happen.
- Go ahead, punks.
Make my day.
- You're right.
He's bluffin'.
- Smeg! Get him! This is getting stupid.
Back off, let him go.
- We're almost on him.
- (LISTER) It's too dangerous.
Let him go.
(LAUGHS) Chickens! Oh, smeg! What the smeggin' smeg's he smeggin' done? He's smeggin' killed me! - Whoops! - Are you all right? - You're going to go spare.
- What is it? You're going to go absolutely spare.
- You've lost me arm! - I've lost your watch too.
- You bastard! - No, you're right.
It's my fault.
My hands are up Well, my hand is up! You think this is funny? No.
But this is! Oh, hello.
It's Captain Chloroform.
Please, Mr David, sir.
My guilt chip is already in overdrive.
I feel terrible! You feel terrible? What about my head? I had to obey him.
It's in my programming to obey all humans, no matter how insane.
Dinner is served, sir.
Lettuce and a grated carrot.
I'm on this for six months.
What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost.
(CAT'S VOICE) I was asleep, OK? Then Plastic Percy puts a sponge on my face and out go the lights.
It was an order! (RIMMER'S VOICE) Just one night, I promise.
I'll give it back first thing tomorrow.
Maybe Thursday.
It's cold outside There's no kind of atmosphere I'm all alone, more or less Let me fly far away from here Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose Drinking fresh mango juice Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun