Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Camille

("RED DWARF" THEME) - What is it? - It's a banana.
No.
Try again.
What is it? - A banana? - No, it isn't.
What is it? It's an urrrr It's an urrrr It's an orange.
Go on, say it.
- This is an orange.
- It's an orrrr It's an orrrr It's a banana.
It's no good.
I just can't do it.
You CAN do it.
I'm gonna teach you.
OK, what's this? - An ap - No, no.
What is it? Oh, it's no good, sir.
I can't lie.
I'm programmed to tell the truth.
Kryten, it's easy.
Look - an orange, a melon, a female aardvark.
Oh, that is superb! How DO you do that? Especially calling a banana an aardvark.
An aardvark isn't even a fruit.
It's total genius.
- Let's start again.
- Sir, we've been doing this all morning.
Kryten, I'm going to teach you to lie and cheat, to be unpleasant, cruel and sarcastic.
It's the only way to break your programming, make you independent.
I'm truly grateful, sir.
I'd love to be deceitful, unpleasant and offensive.
Those are the human qualities I admire the most.
But I can't do it.
- You can! - I can't.
- What's this? - No! - What is it? - Please! - What is it? - It's a It's a It's a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden.
Yes! You did it! What's this? - It's a red and blue golfing umbrella.
- Kryten! Yes! - What's this? - It's an apple.
- No.
What is it? - It's It's It's the Bolivian navy on manoeuvres.
- Kryten, you can do it.
- No, I can't.
Yes, you Whoa, nice one! I can't hang around.
I'd better take the penguin for a walk.
I can do it! I did it again! I can lie! - Cat, come here.
Check this.
Check this.
- Check what? Concentrate, Kryten.
What's this? It's a banana.
- What's this? - It's an orange.
- What's this? - (SQUEAKS) Apple.
You taught him that? That's terrific.
You two should audition for "What's My Fruit?" - He did it wrong.
- It gets better? - I just can't do it.
- You just did it.
Not when there's someone else there.
What's a suitable human analogy? It's like trying to urinate standing next to a man two foot taller than you.
- It's just not possible.
- What are you trying to do? - He's trying to teach me to lie.
- Any reason? Yeah.
Lying's a vital part of your psychological defence system.
If you can't lie, you can't conceal your true intentions.
Sometimes that's essential.
Take Nelson, when he put the telescope to his blind eye and said, "I see no ships.
" Or Humphrey Bogart in "Casablanca", when he lies to Victor Laszlo to spare his feelings.
I understand, sir.
How often have we watched that movie? I know it can be noble to lie.
I just can't.
Kryten, you can.
Look, what's this? It's a banana.
It always has been.
It always will be.
It's a yellow fruit that you unzip and eat.
A banana.
- Lister, is Kryten with you? - Yeah, what's the prob? I've been waiting Oh, spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska! I'm supposed to take him asteroid spotting.
- I'll be right down, sir.
- You'd better be, Kryten, remember yesterday's class on insults? - I'm not sure - How do we describe that gentleman? - He's Mr - No, no, no.
He's a - He's a smeee - Nearly.
Come on.
Nearly.
- He's a smeee - He's a He's a smeee He's a smeeeg heeeeead.
I did it! Brutal.
Now the ultimate test - can you say it to him in person? Ah, Kryten.
At last.
Glad you could make it this millennium.
Smeeeee.
- Pardon? - Smeeeeeheeeee.
- What? - You're a smeeeeeheeeee.
Oh, forget it.
(RIMMER) Kryten, could we go just a bit faster? So we're not being overtaken by stationary objects? Sir, you're a smeeeee - A smee.
- A smeeeee heeeee.
A smee-hee.
A complete and total one.
I 'm picking something up.
Some kind of distress beacon.
I copy that, Holly.
Quadrant four-niner-seven.
- What is it? - Hard to tell, but it's marooned on a planet in decaying orbit.
- Safety margin? - Planet'll explode in two hours.
- Forget it.
It's too dangerous.
- We can't leave them, sir.
- There may be survivors.
- Leave it, Kryten.
That's an order.
(BLEEPING) - What are you doing? - I'm not taking her down.
- Yes, you are.
- Nor am I checking the vessel for survivors.
Kryten, this is mutiny.
I could have you dismantled.
Smeeeeeheeeee.
Oh, damn my programming! (ENGINES ROAR) Not back yet? They've been hours.
- No sign.
What are you watching? - Just a vid.
- This is a classic.
- What is it? "Tales Of The Riverbank: The Next Generation.
" Oh, right.
I've seen this.
It's not as good as the original.
Well, they never replaced Hammy Hamster.
How could they? The dude smouldered.
The camera loved him.
Yeah.
He was the rodent equivalent of Marlon Brando.
Whatever happened to old Hammy? One minute he's a huge star with a personalised gold wheel and as much Edam as he could hold in his little cheeks, the next, obscurity.
Probably went on the slide.
The series ended, couldn't find work, and then the ultimate humiliation hamstergrams.
Well, thanks a bunch, Thanks a smegging buncharoony, - Rimmer, where are you? - That idiot droid has endangered this vessel by landing on a planet that's about to explode, thanks to your foundation course in advanced rebellion, - Why? - To search some starship escape vessel because there's a million-to-one chance there may be a survivor, - You let him go alone? - Of course, I was glad to get rid of him, He's flipped, He's got mad droid disease, He kept waving a banana around and calling it a female aardvark, Well, you'd better get after him.
- He might need help.
- Lister, this is your fault, Hello? Is there anyone here? Can anyone read me? Oh, dear.
What a terrible mess.
Help! Mr Rimmer, sir! Sir? I thank you from the bottom of my rehydration units.
You saved my life.
You responded to my distress call.
You saved mine.
- My name is Kryten.
- Camille.
Pleased to meet you.
- Are you a 4,000 series? - Yes, I'm the 4,000 series GTi.
GTi! Oh, wow! I'm just a plain old 4,000 series.
You've got all the luxury extras, like realistic toes and a slide-back sunroof head.
Why are you looking at me like that? Sorry.
Stare mode cancel.
It's just you have really amazing eyes.
Wellthey're just the old 579s with the automatic 15F-stop cornea.
I could pop them out and you could borrow them.
Heck.
What a jerky thing to say.
I don't believe you would ever say anything jerky.
- Really? - Really.
Wow.
Uh, listen, II know this will sound like a corny line, but do you know that the configuration of your features is extraordinarily apposite? - You really know all the lines.
- No, I really mean it.
The way the light catches your head - it's enchanting.
- I am Kryten.
- You already said.
Oh, yes.
You must think me as stupid as a photocopier.
So, where are the crew? What happened here? Kryten, do you believe in advanced mutual compatibility on the basis of a primary initial ident? What humans call "love at first sight"? That would be an adequate synonym.
Until a moment ago, I'd have said the probability was zero squared.
- And now? - Uh This gantry is unstable.
I suggest you hang on to me.
Oh, what is that fragrance? It smells divine.
- WD-40.
- I knew it.
I knew it.
I use it on my neck hinges too.
Kryten, this shouldn't be happening.
Do you feel it too? You mean the 93.
72% compatibility factor? - I make it 93.
75.
- Oh, yes.
I forgot to carry the three.
- Say it.
Say the words.
- It sounds ridiculous from a mechanoid.
- Then say them in machine language.
- OK.
In Z80012, using hex rather than binary, and converting to a basic ASC2 code, Camille, I think I E5-A9-08-B7 you.
- You really mean that? - Camille, I'd do anything for you.
I'd compute a three-million-digit prime number to make you happy.
I'd evaluate pi to infinity to make you smile.
Oh, Kryten.
You make the most romantic calculations.
(RIMMER) Kryten, can you read me? What's happening? - There are others? - Yes, why? - I can't meet them.
- What do you mean? Two of us alone could work.
Don't make me explain.
But this whole planet is about to blow.
I can't meet your shipmates.
Trust me.
But you'll like them.
Well, some of them.
Well, one of themmaybe.
Sir.
I'm making my way back.
- What's kept you? - I've found a survivor.
We're coming in.
Kryten, don't make me do this.
I'm begging you.
Just relax.
Everything's going to be fine.
Mr Rimmer, sir? - Where the smeg have you been? - Mr Rimmer, Camille.
Camille, Second Tech Rimmer.
She saved my life, sir.
(DREAMY MUSIC) Yes, well Howdy.
- Howdy.
- You see? I knew you'd get along.
Well, I'd better start the engines and get us clear of the impact zone.
- I'll come with you.
- No, no.
You stay and get acquainted.
Can I get you anythingor anything? No.
No, no.
I'm fine, thanks.
I can't believe I've met another hologram after all these years.
- Yes.
I was Second Technician on that crate.
- That's what I am.
I wanted to go further, but I'm a dope in exams.
Me too.
So, erwhat do they call you? Well, my first name is Arnold, but the guys generally call meDuke.
- Duke? - Yes, wellnot absolutely all the time.
In fact, sometimes months elapse without being called "Duke" at all.
So don't call me "Duke" in front of anyone because they might have forgotten that they call me "Duke".
Sorry, I'm no good at small talk.
- Oh, I think you're perfectly charming.
- Do you? Well, thank you.
No one's ever said I was charming before.
They've said, "Rimmer, you're a total git," but never charming, no.
- Well, I think you're very charming.
- Really? Very, VERY charming.
Well, thank you.
Umthank you.
I'd just better go and see how erKryten's getting on.
Excusez-moi.
- She's quite something, isn't she, sir? - She's enchanting.
- You think so? - She's got everything - style, taste, poise - She's absolutely lovely.
- Oh, I'm so glad you think so, sir.
I'll tell you, I think there's romance in the air.
You sly old dog, Krytie! I think you're right.
Sure, her nose is a little loose, but that's just cute.
I'll tell you something.
She's so like my sister-in-law Janine, it's untrue.
Camille looks like your sister-in-law? What happened? Was she involved in a car accident? Who? Janine? No, she was a model.
- And she looked like Camille? - Absolutely.
The resemblance is uncanny.
What did she model? Spark plugs? - I happen to think she's very attractive.
- You do?! - Certainly.
- Do you think I'm attractive? You? Of course not.
You look like a giant half-chewed rubber-tipped pencil.
Well, think what the heck you like, because some people in this big old cosmos think I'm pretty amazing-looking, especially in the eye department, I thank you so very much.
You're back.
I heard.
- Ah, sir, meet Camille.
- Hi.
I'll go and prepare your quarters.
The penthouse suite on A Deck should suffice.
Well, this looks fine.
If you remove your clothes, we'll begin the examination.
Sorry.
Dave Lister, ship's surgeon.
- You're a surgeon? - Well, I'm not fully qualified, but I've seen every episode of "St Elsewhere".
If you like, we can dispense with the examination and go straight for the malpractice.
So relax, and I'll turn on the laughing gas.
Giggles or guffaws? It's all the same to me.
Something tells me you're not a doctor.
What gave it away? The fact that I've gone fully ten seconds without patronising you? This is weird.
The last two humans in an infinite cosmos and we bump into each other.
- Yeah, it is weird, isn't it? - We have an awesome responsibility.
- We do? - Yeah.
Sure we do.
To rebuild the human race as quickly as possible.
Do you wanna start now or clean your teeth first? And they say romance is dead.
The prospect of making love to a stranger is just as galling to me.
We've got to be professional about this, totally clinical and unemotional.
So just lie back and I'll slip into my Spiderman costume.
Ah, Listy.
I see you've met our ravishing guest.
- Camille, have you seen Kryten? - He went up to A Deck.
Thanks muchly.
Oh, Camille It's just a silly thought, really, but I thought after you've settled in, we could pop up to the projection room and I could talk you through my photo collection of 20th-century telegraph poles.
Yeah, or if you fancy a more entertaining time, you can just let him shoot you through the head.
As it happens, Listy, Camille is into telegraph poles as much as I am, especially the 1952 Phase Fours with the triple-reinforced wire.
- What? You're into telegraph poles? - Of course not.
You see? And she's also a big fan of Reggie Wilson.
- What? You like Hammond organ music?! - It's mindless pap.
Absolutely amazing, eh? Reggie Wilson, telegraph poles It's uncanny how much we've got in common.
- Are you OK, Rimmer? - Never better.
Where is he? A Deck? Ciao for now.
- What was all that about? - What about? You were saying one thing and Rimmer was hearing another.
How do you do that? Well, you'd probably have worked it out eventually.
I'm a Pleasure GELF.
Hey, what's going on, buddy? Eraserhead says she's a mechanoid and Captain Sadness says she's a hologram.
Well, she's both and neither.
She's a GELF.
- GELF? - Yeah.
A Genetically Engineered Life Form.
She's a Pleasure GELF, created to be everyone's perfect companion.
Everyone perceives her differently.
You see what you wanna see, what you most desire.
Are you telling me I'll see my perfect mate? Mmm, yeah, and she'll fall instantly in love with you.
What exquisite treasure of loveliness lies behind those doors? Knowing you, a 6ft Valkyrie warrior in scanty armour with a cleavage you can ski down.
Stop.
You're making me dribble.
Well, here goes.
Hi, buddy.
- You're me.
- Who else? - I'm the object of my own desire? - Can you think of anyone more deserving? Well, if you put it like that, I guess you're right.
Damn my vanity! (BOTH) Ooow! - What did you see? - Oh, just some gorgeous chunk of loveliness.
- Come on.
- Ooh, what a body! - What did you see? - My legs are still shaking.
- Cat, what did you see? - Someone get me a brandy! Well, I should've guessed.
It was just too strange, actually meeting someone who didn't want to vomit over me in loathing and disgust.
Don't take it so personally, sir.
We all feel foolish, used, chewed up and spat out.
Look, she didn't mean any harm.
She can't control how we see her.
She'sa mirror for our obsessions.
- Holly, what did you see? - Nothing.
I don't have any desires.
Either that, or me screen was foggy.
I guess I owe you all an apology.
Sorry, Dave.
Sorry, Duke.
- Sorry, buddy.
- Heartbreaker! I told you it wouldn't work, Kryten, if there were others.
You're hurt the most.
You're not used to these emotions.
- Why did you lie to me? - I felt something I'd never felt before.
I knew if you saw the real me you'd be repelled.
Well, try me.
Turn away and I'll change to what I really am.
(PLOP!) I'm ready, - This is what I really look like, - Oh.
- What do you think? - Well, I think you lookreally nice.
Nice? She looks like something that dropped out of the Sphinx's nose! He's right, I'm just a huge green blob, True, but as huge green blobs go, you're really cute.
- I don't believe you, - OK, you'll never make the cover of "Vogue", but, hey, neither will I.
- I think you're really sweet.
- You're lying, - I can't lie.
I'm a mechanoid.
- You really don't think I'm repulsive? Of course not.
There's some humans not as attractive as you.
Take Karl Malden, and he was a famous actor.
You think this changes anything? Camille, I'd be grateful if you joined me for dinner tonight.
- You mean that? - Parrot's Bar.
I'll meet you there at eight.
Flats or heels? I can't believe he's really going through with this.
Look, if Kryten wants to take an amorphous green blob for a discreet tete-a-tentacle, - I say good luck to him.
- Me too.
We all react differently.
When Steve McQueen met the Blob, he tried to kill it.
He probably never thought of taking it to a restaurant.
I know.
They should go to a sushi bar.
At least the food won't look better than his date.
Sir.
I respect your sense of dress more than anything, and I'd really appreciate your opinion of this outfit.
Kryten, if I was going out with a ball of slime, that's how I'd dress.
Thank you, sir.
That means a lot to me.
Well don't wait up! (PIANO PLAYS LOUNGE MUSIC) (SLURPS) - Isn't this enchanting? - Oh, Kryten, - Could we make it, you and I? - It's the old, old story.
Droid meets droid.
Droid becomes chameleon.
Droid loses chameleon.
Chameleon becomes blob.
Droid gets blob back again.
- It's a classic tale.
- A toast, my love, To us, (DISCO MUSIC) (MUSIC: "THE BLUE DANUBE") (MUSIC: "AS TIME GOES BY") "Casablanca.
" What a movie.
I must have seen it a thousand times.
Lister used it as part of my course.
It's littered with examples of how lying can be noble.
From now on, my angel, "Casablanca" will be our movie, and,,, Sorry to gooseberry, Kryten, but we've got a visitor.
He wants to see Camille.
I was going to tell you, Kryten, Truly I was, - You have a husband?! - We're androgynous, but I suppose I do, Hector has a brilliant mind, He's worked on an antidote for our condition for years, - Hector's a blob too? - We're both blobs, Kryten, I left him long ago, I thought he'd given up looking, - He must really thi nk a lot of you.
- I guess, - What will you do? - I'll tell him I met someone else, I'm going to tell him I'm staying here with you, Mr Lister, would you take Camille's bag on board? - Certainly, Kryten.
Anything you say.
- Why my bag, Kryten? You're getting on that craft with Hector where you belong.
- No, Kryten, - Listen to me.
Do you know what you've got to look forward to here? - You're saying this to make me go, - You belong to Hector.
You're part of his work.
If you don't get on that craft, you'll regret it, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
- What about us? - We'll always have Parrot's.
- Oh, Kryten, - I'm no good at being noble, kid.
The problems of two blobs and a droid don't amount to a hill of beans in this cosmos.
Are you ready, Camille? I'm ready, Goodbye, Kryten, God bless you, (MELODRAMATIC MUSIC) - You were lying, Kryten.
- Yes, but it was her best shot at happiness.
It's the old, old story.
Droid meets droid.
Droid becomes chameleon.
Droid loses chameleon.
Chameleon turns into blob.
Droid gets blob back.
Blob meets blob.
Blob goes off with blob.
Droid loses blob, chameleon and droid.
How many times have we seen that story? - I suppose you're gonna blame me.
- Yes, I am.
Without your bananas, movies and aardvarks, none of this could have happened.
You're a complete and total smeghead.
Brutal, Kryten.
You just insulted me.
Yes.
I can lie, cheat AND be offensive now.
Kryten, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.
# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere # I'm all alone, more or less # Let me fly far away from here # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose # Drinking fresh mango juice # Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun #