Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Ouroboros

All right? Anyone servin' or what? With you in a minute, luv.
'Ello, Frank, pet.
What can I get for you? Look at this.
I just found it under the pool table.
Any note? No, not'in'.
Oh! They've written its name on the side, 'ere.
'Our Rob, or Ross' Yeah, look at the way it's spelt, they must've been thicker than a ticket tout's wad.
Couldn't even decide on a name.
Aw, poor little mite.
I wonder what'll become of 'im? Som'thin' terrible, no doubt I hate doin' that - I hate doin' that.
Smeg! I've just sneezed out my cap! Just thought I'd change your linen before you turn in for the night, sir.
Kryten, something terrible's happenned: I've lost my cap.
No, no, here it is, sir.
I've just finished giving it its monthly scrape.
My tooth cap the one you made from the skeleton in the medi-bay.
Oh, I see.
Heyy, here it is.
I need some glue to stick it in; I've just got that needly, pointy thing.
I look disgusting.
Let me see No, no.
I look all needly, pointy and disgusting.
Let me see, sir.
I'm a mechanoid, for goodness' sake.
I won't be revolted no matter how you look.
Oh my god, it's hideous! Yes, yes, very funny - just fix it.
It'll take about half an hour to prepare some dental adhesive.
Oh, gimme some wood glue, you can re-do it in the mornin'.
Wood glue? Are you sure, sir? I don't want you to get your lips glued together, now be careful! Oh, incidentally, I just found some old clothes in one of the storage lockers.
Eyyyy, I need a dressing gown.
Well, that's what I thought.
I thought if I remove the trim, and let it out a little bit, obviously dye it, well I think it could be just dandy.
Yeah, nice one, Kryts.
Oh, perhaps I could take the necessary measurements now, sir? I wonder why guys have nostril hair.
I think its nature's way of telling you its time to buy a flat cap and a pair of driving gloves, sir.
Worst, are those guys who just let it grow.
They look like they've got, like, half a loo-brush lodged up each nostril.
They look like those machines that shine your shoes.
Curious, isn't it, that most women aren't similarly afflicted.
Obviously I'm excluding women who work in Oxfam shops.
Hey, it evens itself out, doesn't it.
Women have the agony of childbirth and we have this.
They don't know they're born! They don't! What is wrong with me? Now I've got a box of floss attached to my face! Heyyy nice outfit.
Did you come in 'ere for a reason? Oh yeah! Something's showing up on the long range scan which is weird with a capital 'we'.
Can you be a tad more scientific? Come again? Er, is it a 'wibbly thing', or a 'swirly thing', sir? At this early stage I'd hate to commit myself and wind up looking a fool! Come see for yourself.
'Wibbly thing', or 'swirly thing', and he refuses to commit himself He's losing it, he really is.
It's some kind of power surge that's causing a major disturbance in the fabric of Space-Time.
It's also causing a major disturbance in the fabric of my pants! It's almost like a tear Perhaps a temporal rift? I'm gonna turn this tub around a try to out-run it.
Get real, man, that thing out there's going faster than a copy of 'Hello!' in a nunnery.
We seem to be through the worst of it! But I'm picking up some kind of subspace energy disturbance down on the engineering deck.
According to the psi-scan, the membrane between two realities has temporarily collapsed.
This is some kind of 'hyperway', through non-space to a parallel dimension.
Let's have a goosey Careful, sir.
The linkway's about as stable as an Italian taxi driver who's got stuck behind two old priest in a Skoda.
What the hell is that? 'Non-space', sir.
An abyss of infinite nothingness, where Time doesn't seem to exist.
Sounds like Rimmer's organ recital night How's it going? You're a hologram Hard light.
So, in your dimension Lister died? In the radiation leak that wiped out Red Dwarf.
Well, why didn't you get put into stasis like me? What happenned? Remember coming back from shore leave on Mimas.
? I'd taken a couple'a days off to get over Kochanski.
Yeah, I remember - Hi - Mmm.
I just wanted to say, look, I'm sorry for the 'Dear John'.
It was cowardly.
Oh, that! Sorry, I'd completely forgot.
It seems like years ago.
It was last week Was it? Mm-hmm.
Must've got over it - just like that.
Oh come on, Dave! It's just, we weren't going anywhere! How could we? We never got out of bed.
Look, there's more to life than hanging out in your bunk, eating delivery curries and having fantastic sex.
Frankly, I find that very hard to believe I just wanted to see if we could be friends Do you mean give it another go? No, no.
I'm, er, back with Tim now.
Tim? That guy is such a poser! The way he always wears that white suit and that big white floppy hat He's a chef! Yeeaahhh, but the way he always poses around, in the officers club, smoking those black cigarettes.
Such a phoney.
Do you know what you'll get for smuggling a cat on board? What, cat-martialed? I'm serious! As serving N.
I'm supposed to report this! So report it, I'll only go into stasis for six months.
Don't you know how dangerous it is to smuggle in an unquarantined animal? I was lonely.
I'd just been dumped by my girlfriend It breaks every reg in the manual Just don't get caught or I'm out cold for six months, okay? So you didn't get put into stasis, and died with the rest of the crew.
? Then Holly brought me back as a hologram.
So what happenned to Kochanski? They found the cat, and she got six months in stasis.
Does that mean Hi.
You look great! You look pretty amazing yourself So in this dimension you didn't die? You're an alternate version of Dave Well, I like to think of myself as the definitive version, y'know? Honed to perfection by Time and evolution.
I can see why you think that, yeah.
Sirs, er, ma'am, we've scarcely two hours before the dimensional tear self-repairs and we loose the linkway.
I suggest we might spend some of that time exchanging supplies and information.
We could update your hydrogen ram-drive to a tachyon-powered engine core? And in return, maybe we could unscrew all those old pickle jars you can't open! There is something you could do for us Yeah? At some point I want to have children.
It's a slightly pervy thing to ask, especially seeing as we've only just met, but perhaps you could Yeah? After all, we've been y'know, lovers - Perhaps you could - Yeah? Fill this up.
It's a self-gamet-mixing in-vitro tube.
I'm already in there; it just needs your contribution.
So it worked out for you guys, then.
Gelf ship! Somehow they've managed to infiltrate non-space! Chris! Give me your hand! Hang on to m' feet, man! It's gonna give! I thought I'd lost you! I think you've mistaken - Shh! You were saying? Forget it Oh dear! Er, sir, I think, er, Miss Kochanski's under the delusion that you're - Er, not now, Kryten, man.
But you don't understand me, sir, you see Miss Kochanski thinks that you're I can handle it, okay! Now go and make some sweet tea or something! B - Permission to speak, sir? Permission refused! Wait a minute this isn't the medi-bay I think you must have mistaken me for your Lister Well, that's what I've been trying to tell you all along, sir! Were you!? If only you'd listened to me, I could have saved you from all that yukkiness.
Is that the kind of guy you are? Someone who'd take advantage of a woman who's half-insensible? I was gonna tell you, honestly! But they always told me in school it's rude to talk with your mouth full.
Wait, you mean I'm stuck here with you? Priscilla, Queen of Deep Space? No way! I've got to get that linkway back! It's not exactly possible at the moment, we're under attack.
It's back on our tail! What is it? Some Gelf battle cruiser.
They've sent a scan, sir.
Take a look.
Oh my god, it's the missus.
The what? Mr Lister's Gelf bride.
We all went to the wedding.
They're opening comms channels.
Er, sir? They're demanding you return to your bride.
In Gelf law, seperation is impossible without special dispensation from hhakk-akhhaak-kkhhak, hhakh-hhakhkhkahak-hkaahkahk-hkhk.
Chief Justice of hakhakhk-aahkahkh-hkhakkha akkk-hhakaaaak-kak-akk-hakkakak.
Okay, patch me in to the NCN and I'll lay down an S-S line.
Now, you're not talking about trousers, are you.
? Co-ordinates Co-ordinates! Thank you! Twenty degrees starboard from this next burg They're right on our tails.
Hold this line keep holding keep holding lift now! Really snazzy! Still no sign of Miss Kochanski's ship, sir.
We're fast running out of time.
I know.
It's good, isn't it! No, sir.
I don't believe it is.
What, don't you like her? I'm a mere mechanoid, sir.
It's hardly my place to point out what a bossy old trollop she is! She can't stay here, sir.
She just can't! Kryten, man, are you okay? I just know we're not going to be able to get rid of her! Why's that so terrible? She's gonna take you away from me, I just know it! What? I took her a glass of milk while she was showering I've seen her naked! So? She's got all those 'in and out' bits that you like Kryten, no matter what happens, you and me, we're compadres; amigos.
But that's all going to change if she stays! You'll end up liking her more! - I won't.
- You will! - I won't! - You will! I won't! I won't! I won't! - You promise? - I promise.
So if she walked in here now, and, and took all her clothes off, and said "Oh, make love to me, you horny dude", and I said, "oh, perhaps you'd prefer to fold some sheets with me instead, sir?" What would you do? What kind of sheets would they be? Well, those nice cotton ones with the pattern.
What, blue stripey ones or the green square ones? The green square ones.
So, it's making love to Kochanski, or folding sheets with you? Can I do final fold and stack? Absolutely.
Well it'd be the sheets, then.
Oh! She's standing there all naked with all the in-and-out bits going all inny and outy? It'll be the sheets, Kryt.
You and me.
Hospital corners.
Really? Too true.
You're lying! I'd never dump you like she did! Never! It's not gonna change.
Never? Never.
You're lying! They all died of old age! You see!?! Ma'am? You don't, do you? Ma'am, I think it'd be more efficient if we spent our energies trying to re-establish the linkway.
You've got big problems, you know that, don't you? Well, at least I don't have a ridiculous walk.
Unlike some people.
Ha - Have you seen the way you walk? I have a perfectly sensible walk! At least I don't walk like this: Phaser frequency 434- we've got it back! What? You're right, that's it! I can leave! You can leave! This is for you.
Just pop that in the uterine simulator in your medi-lab and bingo.
Wow Our child I'll you know.
I know.
As soon as it's old enough I'll tell it all about you - Just make it understand why I'm not there, I don't want it ending up like me.
What happenned to you was really rough.
The pool table, no note, no explanation I think that's why I spent most of my early life drifting, y'know? I didn't have anything to look to cos I didn't know who I was, where I came from.
Just those two names they couldn't decide on calling me; 'Rob' or 'Ross'.
Well I'll look after it.
You know I will.
Yeah, I know.
Excuse me, sir; just doing a spot of dusting here Look, this is probably a long shot but if we can hit the right settings it may be possible to communicate trans-dimensionally.
See ya Bye.
What's this? Supplies from Butt-Babe's ship.
No, this Well, it's the symbol for 'infinity', sir.
The snake, eating it's own tail and thus completing the everlasting circle of life that has no beginning or end.
What's it doing on 'ere? The crate used to contain batteries, sir.
Ouroboros batteries; everlasting.
Ourobo-what? Ouroboros, sir.
It's the name of the symbol.
What is it, bud? Ouroboros It wasn't 'Our Rob or Ross', it was Ouroboros.
! What was? The message that was written on the side of my box! You came in a box? That explains everything.
I know who my parents are I know who I am I understand, now! Explain, sir!? The in-vitro tube, the one that Kochanski's got.
The frozen embryo, it's me! At some point after the baby's borm we must go back in time and leave me under the pool table at the Aigburth Arms.
We wrote Ouroboros on the box to explain! I'm my own father and Chris is my ex-girlfriend and my mum! You should write a letter to Playboy, bud.
I bet you anything it'd get printed.
I've gotta get that test tube back.
Mum! Wait! What? I need the in-vitro tube! It's me! It's what? The Gelfs are back! What are you doing? I'm gonna jump! You'll never make it! Chris, no! Christine! We've lost her, sir.
No! Christine! Yeah? Hi, it's me.
Hi - I've decided to stay; just, one proviso - Yeah? Save my life, okay? Cargo bay; looking now! What's this? It's mountaineering equipment from Miss Kochanski's ship, sir.
A crossbow? I thought it might come in handy next time we run into your wife.
You've got about 20 seconds before I'm out of reach! Rope? Yes! Yes! Yes! I'm getting a mite panicky, here.
! Aaarg! Bastard! It's an obscene phone call, sir.
I think it's for you.
I've brought you a drink, but don't think for one minute it means I've gone all mushy on you.
I'm gonna get up, and work out a way of re-establishing that linkway.
It's too late ma'am, the rift's self-repaired We're stuck with you! I'm gonna try, anyway.
Oh, ma'am - Yes, Kryten? Welcome aboard Thanks, Kryten.
For a long time, you'll think that you were abandoned, but you weren't, man.
You were put here to create a paradox, an unbreakable circle.
With us going 'round and 'round in time, the human race can never become extinct.
We're like a kind of 'holding pattern'.
I'll see ya, son.