Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Blue

Good morning, sir! How about a little breakfast? What would you say to a dozen grilled winkels on a bed of curried rice crispies? I'm not eatin' that spicy stuff any more.
Forgive me, sir, but the phenomena of you not eating spicy food is like a zebra not being stripy, or an old lady not sitting on a park bench with her legs open.
May I ask why? Apart from anything else it makes y' breath smell like a lift full of senile donkeys returning from a gargling contest.
Well, that's never bothered you before, sir.
.
? Well it bothers me now, okay? It's because of her, isn't it 'she who must be drooled over' You mean Kris? Whatever my feelings, sir, I will not be tempted into making petty criticisms of fellow crewmembers.
There is, of course, the issue of the salad cream 'The salad cream'.
.
? I spent many months training everyone to put the salad cream in the fridge.
Then she comes on board, and - lo and behold! - it turns up back in the cupboard! The first moon we come to - let's dump her! And what about the extra laundry? Now there are all kinds of extraordinary items turning up in the dirty linen basket: tights; bras; skimpy vests; little socks-tut, it's a massive extra workload! Frank is very upset.
The washing machine.
I named him Frank, he works better with an identity.
And what about the ironing? I mean, how do you iron a bra? Well, you've gotta take it off first I spent years practicing that.
Used to put m' nan's bra around the armchair until I could unhook it with m' left hand.
Even now, whenever I see a Parker Knoll I get horny.
But have you ever tried to iron a bra, sir? The only way I've found is to stretch each container over my head, and iron it from there.
How come you don't know what bras are? What about the women on the Nova 5? Well, when I cleaned up my cache files, sir, I erased my lingerie database.
I didn't see there's be much call for it, unless we had a fancy dress party, and you wanted to go as Herman Goering.
Anyway, you can relax, Kryten.
She programmed the scan probe last week, and it's returned the coordinates of the dimensional tear.
This time tomorrow she;ll be back in her own dimension.
Well you're surely not upset, sir? Look, if you've got a problem with her, say something to her.
I think I will! There's no point whinging to me about it, say it to her.
Hi guys, how's it going? Ah! Morning Miss Kochanski, ma'am! Sleep well? Coward.
Hypocrite.
Erm, not great, actually.
Had this really weird dream about a monkey being stretched across a tennis court noise was just unbearable Where you practising the guitar again last night? So, what's for breakfast? Ah, what's this doing in here? Hold me back! Hold me back! Don't you see, sir, these deviations from established Space Corps.
drill could put our lives in jeapardy! She was only drying her tights on the radiator! That's the thin end of the wedge, sir! One day it's drying tights, the next we're spiralling out of control into the core of a newly-formed sun! Er, sorry to interrupt, but we've got a couple of problems: all the hazard-approach lights are flashing.
All of them? Yes, although on this ship that can mean anything from "we're under attack", to "the baked potatoes are burning".
Either way, it's serious.
Getting a reading There's something up ahead: a shiny thing, with a long, silvery, glimmery thing behind it.
It's a phasing comet - velocity 25,000mps.
That's what I said! How am I supposed to concentrate on a phasing comet when, as soon as my back's turned, the sald cream gets warm.
Heading straight for it's tail plotting avoidance course.
What's the problem with going through it? It'll get you home quicker.
Last time anyone did that, the gyroscopic forces ripped the ship apart, turning the crew into the consistency of potato salad! Is that the firm, delicatessen form of potato salad, or the squishy, gooey stuff in tins? Tins Maybe we should go around.
.
? We'll make it - we're a crew - we've been through a few things.
Remember when we met up with the Vidal Beast of Sharma II? The one that nearly killed us? No, the other one! Look, we can make it, okay? Do you know what a comet is made of? Are you suggesting that I don't know what a comet's made of? - Yes.
- Well I do.
- So what's it made of? - What's it made of? Yes.
You wanna know what it's made of? - Yes, I do.
- Ma'am, he knows what it's made of.
What? Sir, tell her for goodness sake! So, what's it made of? I see - I see Gas.
Some kind of gas.
Some kind of gas? Yeah, some gas! Dunno what it's called, some gassy type of gas.
It's made of ice.
Exactly! An icey type of gas, that's what I said: ice, an ice gas.
I hate to interrupt, but this thing, whatever the hell it is, is gonna hit us in about forty-five seconds! I was only tryin' to save time, so we could get to the dimensional tear quicker! So you could get home to your much better Lister.
And I'm just trying to prevent us being scattered all over the galaxy like some kind of cosmic seasoning! Here it comes! That wasn't forty-five seconds! Oh sorry! I was reading the baked potato timer by mistake! Will people not leave that in here? It just makes us look like we don't know what the hell we're doing! Lateral trimmers not responding! It's like wrestling in treacle! You hear that? Cat says the trimmers are like wrestling in treacle! No, I said they were down, then I asked if you like wrestling in.
Anyway Damage report, Kryten.
Auxilliary flight modulator has short-circuited - And the chocolate dispensers' ejected all the fruit snack bars onto the gallery floor! What's happenned to the stabalisers? Never mind the stabalisers! Where's the hair mousse? Stabalisers very unstable Thirty snack bars sliding about! I'm taking over control! Yeaaaay, what did I tell ya? Come to daddy, baby! I have control.
It's called the pre-fold vaccum; we're in-between vapour streams.
With a bit of luck we can ride it across to the other side of its tail.
Or maybe not! If we don't turn around and go back we'll disintegrate in two minutes! Kryten? That's a little pessimistic, sir, I'd say more like three! I think we should turn around Pheww Well, go on, say it.
Say what? You know what you want to say.
Say it.
- You want me to say it? - Say it.
You really want me to say it? Go on, say it! All right.
My Dave would never have endangered our crew like that.
You had to say it, didn't you.
Will you stop calling your boyfriend 'Dave', he's just an alternative version of me from a prallel dimension.
He's not 'Dave', he's the anti-Lister.
Well, whoever the hell he is, I'm not gonna get to see him.
By the time we fix this mess I'll have missed the Linkway! Coulda got through that if the thrusters had worked According to the SysComm, the thrusters never worked 'cos we were carrying too much weight.
It's Miss Kochanski's laundry; why will no one listen to me? Those little whirly things are heavier than they look! Suppose we take a look in the cargo hold and see what supplies can be jettisoned? I'll go.
I could do with a breath of musty, fetid air Er, sir you didn't deliberately damage the ship so that Miss Kochanski had to stay behind, did you.
.
? No! 'Course not! Look, I'm gonna check out the hold.
Rimmer, man, you comin'? Did I say.
.
? Why did I call you 'Rimmer'? I called you 'Rimmer', my god! Cat! Are you gonna make yourself useful or are you gonna preen yourself all day? You mean I have a choice? Come onnn Can't believe I called you 'Rimmer' Look at these Rimmer's old shoe trees.
He had one for every pair of his shoes.
Gave them all names: Mon-shoetree, Tue-shoetree, Weden-shoetree What a smeg head Oh, he had lots of funny little habits.
But now that he's gone, I can see them for what they were Cretinous.
No they were all the little foibles that made Rimmer speecial.
He was unique.
Yeah irritating, awkward and unsightly.
He was the human equivalent of a visible pantie line! Well, we may as well start somewhere.
These can go! No, no, you can't throw them out.
They're from when me and Rimmer played gold on Treka XVI.
We had a lot of fun.
You had fun with Rimmer? I'm afraid I only had room to build a nine-hole course, sirs.
It is a very small planetoid.
Er, taking into consideration the thiness of atmosphere, sir, I've made this a fifteen mile hole, par 3.
Oh, good shot, sir! Heyyy, watch this - watch and weep Ohh, smeg! Ooh, I - I think it's gone into orbit, sir.
Tough luck, Listy.
I'll just pot mine and you owe me fifty big ones! Look at him, in the right boots he could be marchin' into Poland.
'Eyy, this is Rimmer's ball, isn't it? It must have gone right around the planetoid, sir.
Well, no point botherin' him about it, Krytie, let's go.
It must be here, somewhere! I've been 'round the planetoid twice! No ball, no bet, man - keep lookin'.
Memories like that are just too precious to throw away Hello there, sir, how's it going? We're getting nowhere, bud.
He won't throw anything away because it reminds him of the good times he had with Rimmer! I must have blinked and missed them.
You don't know what we used to do back on Red Dwarf in the early days.
Like when we played the Locker Room game, we used to open up the lockers of all the dead crew members, and we got to keep whatever we found.
Right, well I'll go first this time.
- Okay.
- No, you can go first Okay, I'll have sixty-eight.
Ah-a-a-a-a.
I'll have sixty-eight.
- Fine - Er you can have it.
Why? I know that you chose that one because you think that I think that you're cheating; so I'll have it, and it'll be useless.
Ahhhhhhh, I'm not gonna fall for that one, Listy.
You can have it.
To smart for me, man 'Eyy, a gold necklace; a bundle of cash; and 'eyyy, a nude wrestlin' video! "Baked bean bombshells Volume 12".
Right! Well I'll have that one.
Number fifty-eight.
Okay What the hell was that? There's a note "People who break into lockers deserve everything they get, you cheap double-crossing slimeball".
Sounds like they know you.
See what I mean? We had fun, it was great.
We had fun.
I'll put the rubber room on standby, sir About time, Cat, you're late.
Now, where've you been? Hello, Listy.
Rimmer.
.
? Smeggin' 'ell! What're you doin' 'ere? I got fed up with adventuring you know what it's like: you save a couple of civilisations and it all gets a bit samey.
I thought I'd come and find the old team.
It's good to see you.
Are you real? I'm as real as you can get, being a hologram.
So where've you been? Argon 5.
I fought in the Bellagosian War; I was decorated, and used as a Christmas tree in the town square where people came and fed me cherry liqueur chocolates for the whole winter.
Really? Nahh, I'm only kidding.
Kiddin'? What do you know about kidding? I just thought it was time I livened up a bit! Hey hey! So, er, how about you? How's it going? Ahh, y'know.
Same old Starbug.
Same old travelling through space.
I, erm, I hear you've got a new crewmember? Yeah, Kochanski.
What's she like? She's okay, y'know? Is she as good as me? Well, she's been here a few weeks and she hasn't quoted one Space Corps.
directive She's pretty attractive though, isn't she? Is she? I hadn't really noticed.
She's the type you don't really notice.
When you eat soup and spill some on your shirt and you don't notice it? Mm, she's like that.
So, she's not as attractive as me, then? Don't be daft she couldn't hold a candle to you, man.
Nah, you're just saying that.
I'm not.
I missed you, man.
And I've missed you too, Listy.
Ohh, Arnold, man Dave Don't ever leave us again! I won't! You promise? Ohh, Listy Ohh, Rimsy Yaaaaarrrggh! Aaargh! Get off! Get off! Ohh, just a dream thank god for that! It was just a dream And another thing she does is, she keeps her pants in her sock drawer; have you any idea how time consuming that can be to sort out? You mean, you've seen her pants? You're right Kryten, I must be losin' it, or I'd never be dreaming stuff like that.
Kissin' Rimmer? I'd rather go bobbing for apples in the communal latrine at Reading festival! I'm sure this will help, sir, I'll just insert my hypno-therapy disk Now, just relax What the hell? Sorry, sir! Wrong disk - that was my German language course; an extract from Hitler's Nuremburg speech.
Definitely hypnotic, but not in the right way I'll just go and find the proper one.
What are you doin' in here? Just looking for something to erase the memory of everything I've ever experienced Couple of gallons of medicinal alcohol should do it.
Listen, for what it's worth, I'm sorry you missed getting back to your Dave.
'The hologrammatic hunk'.
That's okay; I'm sure there'll be another chance for you to cock it up again.
Suppose you must be missin' him? Yeah, I am a bit.
I know what it's like to miss someone.
The way they talk, the way they laugh - Heh, I know.
The way their nostils flare up like two railway tunnels leading into Snot Street station.
No, you've lost me there So you're missing Rimmer? Had a dream about him, but he was different.
All smiles and jokes and stuff.
I thought you guys didn't get on? We didn't, that's what's so weird! His tidyness drove me crazy, the way he used to eat his food in alphabetical order; the way he only ever used three pieces of toilet paper: one up, one down, and one to polish.
Did he have any redeeming features? No.
Oh yeah, sometimes he went out of the room.
So, how come Rimmer came to be around, anyway? Well, Holly brought him back to keep me sane, but he drove me mad! So, now he's gone, maybe you feel guilty because you realise he was trying to help you? If he was trying to help me, why didn't he lighten up a bit? Be happy? Maybe he sacrificed his happiness to keep you sane? But when he appeared in your dream he was different, a carefree, fun-loving Rimmer.
A Rimmer who didn't nag you into helping him catalogue his cheese collection.
You're saying I had him all wrong? Wasn't your fault you had to hate him, it was what kept you going.
I didn't know You know what I should do? I should throw everything away, and make a new start.
Ahh, sorry Miss Kochanski, ma'am, this is the medical bay, for sick people only; surely you haven't broken out in a confusingly-filed pants rash? I'd start right now if I were you Okay, sir, now just relax It's all right, Kryten.
I've talked things through with Kochanski, I'm feeling a lot better.
Well that really takes the biscuit, doesn't it.
Turn my back for five minutes and she waltzes in here and cures you! She was only trying to help It's not the help I mind, sir, it's the fact that she succeeded! Okay guys! I know declare games night officially open.
Seeing as Kris is with us, you can have the honour of choosing the first game, and as you're a bit sensitive, we're not gonna have any games that involve dropping trousers and lighting stuff.
Games night is cancelled; if you'll all kindly follow me to the AR suite, I have something, I think, might amuse I believe this is the answer to your dream, sir, and something slightly more effective than Miss Kochanski's psychobabble It's a museum to Mr Rimmer's memory; I made it myself.
If anyone finds they are missing him, they can relive those great moments, it's all in there: the man, the memories, the personality.
The ego Yes - I had to scale that down quite a bit.
How did you compile all the exhibits? Well, I re-created key events in his life from Mr Rimmer's diaries; he kept meticulous records of life on board ship.
Enjoy! Welcome, to the Rimmer Experience.
A place of wonder, excitement, and wonder.
You are about to witness some heroic events, which you may well find impossible to attribute to any living person; but then, Arnold J.
Rimmer was a deeply remarkable man Being the driving force behind the Red Dwarf mission, the fearless Rimmer had to dice with death on a daily basis.
What? Sometimes it needed a strong mind and cool nerves to hold the crew together: Asteroid belt up ahead, sir.
No it isn't Kryten, you thick, titanium plank; those are large, broken fragments of a dying star which have compressed together under enormous pressure, causing them to compress into large fragments.
You're quite right, sir, as usual.
How could I have made such an elementary mistake? As usual.
It's at times like these that I get really scared! Me too! Save us! Somebody save us before I wet m' keks! That never happenned! I swear that never happenned! I feel sick! I'm sorry, sir, it is a bit bumpy.
Nah, it's what I'm seeing that's making me sick! So you see, Cat? If you wear the green paisley shirt with the cavalry-twill trousers, you can be dignified and fashionable at the same time.
Let me at him! I'm gonna kill him! Cavalry-twill? What does he think I am? A woodwork teacher? Say, Rimmer's a really great guy, isn't he! I don't know what we'd do without him! I owe my life to him! Wait a minute; here comes the best bit If you're in trouble he will save the day, He's brave and he's fearless come what may, Without him the mission would go astray He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer, Without him life would be much grimmer, He's handsome, trim, and no-one's slimmer, He will never need a Zimmer.
He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer, More reliable than a garden strimmer, He's never been mistaken for Yul Brynner, He's not bald and his head doesn't glimmer.
Master of the wit and the repartee, His command of Space Directives is uncanny, How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer, He's also a fantastic swimmer, And if you play your cards right, then he just might come 'round for dinner.
I never wanna see or hear from that scum-sucking, lying, weasel-minded smegger in my entire life! Sigmund Freud: eat your heart out!