Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Epideme

What is that thing? Astro-glacier.
Allotropically modified, surrounded by an envelope of luminous gases.
Thanks! That's most helpful! What is it? To you: a big iceberg.
I studied them in my first year in the Corps.
But I've never seen one up this close before.
Isn't it incredible? Look at those crystaline formations they're fabbaroo! You think all this sciency stuff's really interesting, don't you? I bet, at school, you were always the one with the right coloured pencils, and the impossibly neat handwriting.
So, what do we do about the ice.
? Well, water supplies are low, ma'am.
If the ice is uncontaminated, it might prove quite useful.
Okay, standard S.
scan and log.
Locking on; scanning and logging.
Extraordinary What is it? There's something buried deep in the heart of the astro-glacier, some kind of object it's huge; just processing.
Well? It's a starship.
This place is harder to get into than an airline chicken kiev! It's the 'Leviathan', sir, a Engines are dead: power overload; looks like they were running from something.
Wait! I'm picking up a lifesign.
Are you absolutely sure? Certain.
I've never seen anything like this! You weren't around for my last party, were you? Look at their twisted, tortured faces! The sheer blind terror.
Yaaaarggg! Aarrrg! Oh my god! What is it?! The back of my neck! Great big gob of ice-water! It was wet and horrible! Went right down into m' crevice.
Hey guys, check this out! There's a woman in there! Just locating her JMC ident chip Ah.
Caroline Carmen.
According to the psi-scan, she was once a supply officer on Red Dwarf.
I remember her - she got re-posted to Titan.
You knew her? Yeah - she made a pass at me once! I don't believe you a supply officer'd never go our with you.
She did, actually.
In fact, me and Karen had quite a thing going there for a really long time.
Caroline, yeah.
Karen's my pet name for her.
I don't believe a word.
Caroline Carmen and me, believe it! Sexually, we're just so compatible.
In fact, while I was dating her, the two women in the quarters next door nicknamed her Carmen Moans.
You could ask her if she was still alive.
She is, sir.
The lifesign appears to be coming from this very spot.
Does it? Ah, well, she might not remember me immediately, she might have amnesia.
Amnesia? Yeah, ice does that.
Gives you amnesia.
Isn't that right, Kryts? Er, I don't recall hearing that, sir.
Y'see? It's affecting 'im already.
Okay, let's get her back to the bug.
I've begun the water syphoning process from the Leviathan.
Any change here? It doesn't make sense, bud.
The ice won't melt, and this room's hotter than an English beer.
It's as if the body's generating the ice as a form of protection.
Maybe we should just laser it? Reccommend we wait until the chemical analysis results are completed in the morning, sir.
Any hasty lasering could result in lasting damage to the body.
Do you really think she's still alive in there? She must be.
Well, well, well, well this is a bit of a turn up, isn't it.
? Eh? You just couldn't stay away, could you, Kris? Hey, what're you doing? Hey, wait! What're you doing? And what makes you so damn sure I'm interested.
? You dumped me, remember? You think you can just jump in m' bed and I'm yours? Well, as it happens you're right, but let me tell you, it was a pretty close thing.
It's good to feel your sweet breath against my neck again Smeg! It's Kryten! It's Kryten! Quick, quick, in the shower.
In the shower Smeg Are you alone, sir? Yeah.
Well, I just thought I'd come in and dust your quarters.
It's two o'clock in the mornin', man! Ah, yes, well this is an emergency dust, you see, sir.
My sensors have picked up vast quantities of dust in this region and I simply must dust, right now! I'll take the risk, man! Ah, I simply can't allow that, sir.
Ahh! Double bed mode hmm I'll just, ahem, dust inside your wardrobe, sir.
Under your spare bunk duvet Hmmm in your other wardrobe.
Kryten, man, I'm trying to get some kip! She's in here, isn't she! I don't know what you mean, man You promised me you wouldn't like her more than me! You promised! Kryten listen, erm, look it's like - It's because she's got a better shaped head than me, isn't it! Not again, man, no! No! It is! I like your head! Not as much as you like hers! What are you talking about? You've got one of the all-time great heads, it's attractive, it's functional, it, it's almost perfect for carving a sunday roast! She's in the shower, isn't she! ISN'T SHE!? Who? Miss Kochanski! Who'd you think!? Madam Curie? What is all this noise about? I can't sleep! Forgive me, sir.
Shame mode.
Excuse me, ma'am How the hell did you do that.
? Of course! You slipped out through the vent shaft, and dropped into the corridor, brilliant! What? You're a genius, an absolute genius! - What are you doing? - I'm unbuttoning your shirt What are you doing that for?! 'Cos we've got a little unfinished business! That was a long time ago, things are very different now! Look, he's gone, don't worry about Kryten; now come on, get y' kit off, and I'll go and slip into m' Batman outfit.
You really believe in being direct, don't you Aww, come on, rumpy-pumpy, Kris, let's hit the springs? That's your idea of seduction, is it? Well, forget it, Lister! Not if you were the last man alive I am the last man alive.
I rest my case What did I do wrong.
? What? Oh! Duvet Oh my god! Caroline! You've really let yourself go You could audition for about nine hundred Clearasil commercials! Sorry God! Are you all right, sir!? I've just been molested by Tutunkamun's horny grandma! Of course I'm not smeggin' all right! Eurgh! The taste! I need to to go and gargle with a toilet duck! She's dead, sir, and, curious, it appears she's been dead for three million years Er, if she's been dead for three million years, where did the lifesigns come from? Hmm, good point, sir; and, more to the point, where did they go.
? I feel really lousy Oh, you're probably just in shock, don't be such a baby.
The tests are complete, and there's, a foreign substance in your blood, and well, I recognise the DNA, sir.
Is that good or bad? It's the epideme virus, sir.
Er, a man-made parasite created as a rival to the nicotine patch.
Epideme was an intelligent organism, designed to block all neural signals relating to nicotine craving, but in practice, it also blocked the signals telling the body it needed blood and oxygen.
Is that why the Carmen chick looked like the centerfold from this month's Playzombie? Precisely.
It's virtually unstoppable.
For the first forty-eight hours it consumes its host, then hijacks the corpse and goes looking for a new victim When it can't find one, it freezes the body and waits.
So, the lifesigns on the Leviathan - Didn't belong to Carmen, but to the parasite inhabiting her body Which passed to you the moment she well Slipped her mouth-meat down m' gullet? I've been tongue-hockeyed to death! In forty-eight hours I'm going to be deader than a Saturday night in Salt Lake City! There is one option, sir I believe you might have a chance if you, well, reason with it.
Reason with what? The virus, sir.
After all, it is intelligent.
Kryten, are you neural circuits picking up interference from the tumble-drier again? If we can patch in the universal translator, it might just be possible to talk to it.
I believe it's your only chance, sir.
It's a long shot, I know, but if we can reason with it, we might pursuade it to leave.
Now, remember: be charming.
Be charming to my virus right.
Patching in the U.
T Aaaand a great big "Hi!" to all of you out there in flesh-and-blood land! And tonight, Dave Lister, assistant vending machine sub-operative, and spice food conneseur, this is your death! Your line I take it we're speaking with the epideme virus.
? Give that man an eyebrow! Heyyy, I'm feeling generous, give him two! Well, er, maybe we should, um, can I - Dave let's run down the rules.
If you win: you get to live; if I win: you get to die, and I take all your knowledge then I kill you What? You absorb knowledge from every person you kill? So, as you can appreciate, killing you ain't exactly a career highlight No offence, but when you're a virus there's not much call for knowing how to open a lager bottle with your anus.
How can you justify killing another living being? How about that chicken you biriani'd last night? How can you justify killing that? Me and the chicken it was different.
How's that, David.
? Well, I'm a person, it was a curry.
He died so you could go on living; is that so different from what I'm doing? Of course it is! Totally! I'm a human being, Ihave certain qualities that elevate me above poultry! I can think; I can play the guitar Better than a chicken? Are you crazy? We're losing the argument, sir! You better move on to another subject.
I'm the last guy alive! And that gives you more right to exist than me.
? Well, yeah because - Time for your species to check out, Davey.
Arevaderche, humies Sir, you know how you told us all to work on a solution to Mr Epideme, no matter how drastic? Yeah, what have you got, Kryts? A solution, sir, but, er - What? - It's too drastic.
Well, what we thought was - you see - We want to cut off your arm.
You what? It's a stupid idea! I told you it was a stupid idea! It was your idea! Are you saying I'm stupid? No! I'm saying it was your stupid idea! It's our only chance to save you.
It could be worse What, you mean I could be planning a career in archery? You could be dead.
Now, you said you'd consider anything, well, this is it.
Can I have some details? Something a little bit more inspiring than "can I hack off your limb?" The plan is to inject anti-virals in a precise pattern through your body, forcing epideme into your arm.
And then you cut it off.
Great plan.
What choice have I got Okay, but make it my left arm, okay.
'Cause my right arm does all my favourite things.
Okay, sir.
Let's go! Chop-chop! Sorry Injecting anti-virals.
Okay, virus heading north.
Grid coordinate one-oh-nine point four.
Ah, the pancreas.
One-oh-four point two, on my mark Mark.
And heading for the left shoulder: Three-oh-nine point zero No, no, no, no! Three-oh-eight! Three-oh-eight! It's heading away from his left arm - four-oh-six point nine point eight four-oh-six point five Virus heading into his right arm - The right arm, it's our only chance.
Laser bone saw, sir, quickly! Amputation mode: cut and cauterise! He's awake! My left arm.
? My left arm, I said! That's my right; what kind of navigation officer can't tell left from right? We did the best we could; I am so sorry.
Where is it? We flushed it into space, we had to.
Ohh, my right arm I did everything with that arm; we were inseperable! At least, I thought we were.
Mr Lister, sir, you're awake! Buddy, you look great! Oh, it's not your fault.
You did what you had to do to save my life.
You haven't saved my life Seven per cent of epideme's virions have found their way back into your body.
They're currently multiplying exponentially.
So, to sum up: all's I've got to look forward to now is death, zombification, and then a quick, after-death snog with either you or the Cat? You've given my arm, my arm, for nothing? Kryten, he doesn't like them like that.
Hey, old five-fingers has checked out! Oh my god, you mean.
? No, not dead; checked out.
He's gone.
And about forty pounds of Incinerex blasting plastic has gone missing from supply bunker seven.
You think there could be a connection.
? Come on! What are you doing? I'm just popping down the corner shop.
Does anyone want anything? Sir, please, come back.
There is no reason to return to the Leviathan.
It's the only way, Kryten.
Get back over there, detonate this stuff, and destroy all traces of the virus.
At least I'll rob it of the satisfaction of killing me.
Dave, don't go through that door! If you go through that door, I'll never speak to you again as long as you - Oh my god, just how stupid am I? According to my calculations, ma'am - Kryten, shut up! Hey baby, what's this? The Christmas special? That's right, man, yeah! And look what I got you: forty pounds of Incinerex.
It's macho, but it's not you.
You get what I'm sayin'? Let's set the timer for five minutes, shall we? Er, Dave, hel-looo? Leviathan, this is Starbug.
Come in, sir.
Kryten, get Starbug well away from here! You've got five minutes.
You can't give up! I'm dead already.
Use your eyes.
I look worse than the Grim Reaper's passport photo.
Please give us more time, sir? The medicomp might still come up with an antidote.
Sixty seconds left, epideme.
Davvve, your heart says 'blow' but your brain says 'no!'.
You're no quitter -hell!- the people of this ship kept searching for a solution right until the end! They never gave up.
They didn't? Hell, no! They even overloaded their enginesm so sad, 'cause they were so near So near They weren't running from something, but to something Son-of-a-gun Kryten, man, change of plan! Er, sir, I've been meaning to ask: as you retain specialist knowledge from each of your victims, and as the two of us have no gripe, I was wondering if you'd be kind enough to fill in some gaps in my knowledge? Sure, shoot! I'm red hot in quantum mechanics, cell molecular biology and TV theme tunes! Ask me anything Very well.
One thing I've always wanted to know: who on earth was the fourth Marx brother? Zippo.
Easy! Ask me a hard one.
A hard one? A HAAAAAAAARD one oouuugggh.
Very well.
How could Starbug's drive module be reconfigured to be made more efficient? Re-route the pulse relays by the auxilliary conductor node and transpose all the prime numbers in the first line of the alphabet to the energy equation.
And that would make Starbug more efficient? Thrrrreeee hundred percent faster! That's all we needed to know.
The Leviathan was heading for Delta 7 for the epideme cure.
Trouble was, by the time we reached Delta 7 I'd be dead.
Unless we could work out a way of making the ship go faster.
And now we have Well I'll be the son-of-a-bacteria How're we doing? Like a speeding bullet stuck in the back end of a bat out of hell! Going into orbit right now.
Scanning surface oh my god What is it? The planet, it's been flamed, there's nothing down there! Not a building, not a plant nothing You knew, didn't you? Heyyy, I had to do something to make Dave think there was hope.
The whole planet was flamed to get rid of me! But I'd allrrrready left, in one of the Star Corps medical engineers, who then made a housecall, to the Leviathan! How's it going? Life signs almost gone, sir.
And in tomorrow's episode: Kris Kochanski has a nasty turn when Dave, her hilarious decomposing boyfriend, returns from the grave to infect her with a wacky, but charasmatic, virus! Until then, good night Okay, last roll of the dice.
Dave, I'm gonna stop your heart, okay? What!? It's the last chance to save you, do you agree? You're gonna prevent epideme from killing me by killing me.
? I'll take that as a yes Is he.
? Dead!? Yes, ma'am! Er, careful Miss Kochanski, don't get too close to him! The epideme virus hass transferred to you! It's infected your hand! And the big showbiz news today is that, as expected, the long-running virus, epideme, has been renewed for another season! Wrong, bug-head! You're axed! No no! Yaaaaagggghhh! Oh my god! Did you see that!? She she Miss Kochanski, ma'am! What I mean what have you gone completely insane?!? Kryten.
! It was Caroline Carmen's.
I injected it with blood and adreneline! That really is quite extraordinary D'you know, I had you marked down as a bit of a madam, but I really have to except that I'm going to have to get to like you at that.
I mean, you do annoy me to some degree but, really, that MR LISTER! Clear! Clear! Clear! Ohh, where have I been? Well, for the last few minutes, sir, you've been dead Wow How did it feel? Ever been to Swindon? What's that for? For not staying dead! Germs.