Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Back in the Red, Part 1

Remember Argyle Somerfield, an old movie star? Eighty-three, according to this, an' he's just had a baby with his nurse! '"It was love at first sight", she cooed, "I've always liked older men'".
God, if she ever ran into Tutankhamen he wouldn't stand a chance! She'd have his bandages off before you can say "silicon implants".
There's some pictures of them here with the new-born.
There's Argyle, and there's the baby.
No no no no, there's Argyle, and there's the baby! I was thrown for a minute by the bib and the bonnet.
Thought that was the baby at first! An eighty-three year old dad! How's that gonna work? I bet he's not gonna get up in the middle of the night to give the baby its feed.
Probably pretend to be dead! "Darling, can you give the baby his bottle tonight?" It's not gonna work, is it? The only advantage, as far as I can see, is the wife can change both their nappies at the same time.
Are you still not talking to me? It's unbelievably childish, y' know.
I've a good mind to fill your shoes with runny porridge again.
Teach you a lesson about maturity All right, I'll tell you what: I bet I can make you say something in the next minute.
Twenty big ones.
Shake on it All right, if I'm on, say nothing.
I'm on! Okay.
I'm gonna say something, all right, an' you're gonna totally lose it.
Are you ready? Y' ready? Remember Yvonne McGruder? You really liked her, didn't you? I used to go out with her, y'know.
Before you did.
You didn't know that, did you? Broke up in the end.
Really hurt me.
Still got the scars today.
They never heal, carpet burns, do they? Both cheeks, man! She nearly wore them down to the bone! Will you shut up! What did I tell you? Twenty big ones! I've been listening to you whittling on now for what seems like two ice ages! My mind is so numb and brain-dead I feel like I've just attended a three-day seminar entitled "The Future of Plumbing".
Oh, at last you're talking to me.
I knew we'd make it up.
Eighty-three! This thing's even bigger than I remember Errr, guyyys we've got a problem.
! Hey guys! Look at my body! There's an invitation that will not cause a stampede.
No! It's back to normal.
No time for that now, sir.
We're flying down a corridor on Red Dwarf and Starbug appears to be expanding.
It's not Starbug that's expanding, it's Red Dwarf that's shrinking! It must be something to do with the nanobot's molecular process.
Just like my body! We're being sucked into a vent! Can't fight it! Air vent walls closing in.
We must take action.
Be bold, positive, decisive.
All right, dudes.
Anyone fancy a game of charades using just your noses, or is this a bad time? Holly, man, we're about to get crushed to death! So that's a 'no', then, is it? Once the nano's rebuilt the ship, I thought things were going to get back to normal! We don't know where we are, what to do, and haven't got a clue what's happening.
Things are back to normal! Can't you get this crate to go faster? It's gonna be like getting crushed to death under a gigantic trouser press! Freshly laundered and wrinkle-free! I always prayed I'd go out like that! There may be a way through this if we take a detour.
Past Epsilon 14 and take a right at the hydro unit.
We'll save about two minutes! Epsilon 14.
There's there's there's some kind of heartbeat up ahead, and it's beating at an incredible rate! You mean there's a heart out there with no body? No wonder it's beating so fast.
Heyyy! I hope we don't get stopped by the cops.
They don't like it when you're rat-arsed According to the desk we've lost all engines! Didn't I read somewhere that can seriously affect your ability to fly? Now we've lost the mid-section and the kitchen! I'm sorry everyone, but we may have to have sandwiches for lunch! Dave? Selby! Chen! Is it really you? Is it really us? Hang on, I'll check.
Yeah, I think it's us.
Guys! This is brilliant! I can't believe it! You know these people, sir? Know them? When they've been drunk and unconscious I've taken their clothes off and painted parts of them green! Course I know them! This is the Red Dwarf crew, Krytie! How? The nano's must have resurrected them along with the ship.
This is Chen.
He works in the kitchen and he's always drunk, and this is Selby, and he's always drunk too! Where's Peterson? He couldn't make it.
He's drunk! The crew are all alive, sir! This is great news! Wonderful, marvelous, incredible news! All that extra ironing! Bliss! Mister Thornton, read them their rights.
David Lister, you are formally charged with stealing and crashing a Starbug.
You are also charged with having no pilot's license, and smuggling two stowaways on board, along with Navigation Officer Kristine Kochanski.
Anything you say now, or do not say now, may be used at a board of enquiry against you.
Do you require any form of aid? Yeah, lemonade in a really large scotch.
Left, right, left, right, left, right! Try and relax! You're gonna burst a blood vessel! Shut up, you maggot! Do you understand? Do you understand!? "Yes -" what!? "Yes, Mister Shouty".
? "YES - SIR"! Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right.
Halt! Lift arm.
At ease.
All right, dude.
They don't know about you yet, Holl.
It might be an idea to keep it that way.
I need some info.
If the board of enquiry find us guilty tomorrow, what happens then? Well if you lose, you'll probably get a couple of years in the brig.
What brig? The brig on floor 13.
There isn't a floor 13! Yeah, there is.
It was classified.
A need-to-know only basis.
So who knew? Well, all the officers, and anyone who's ever seen the Twilight Zone.
So what's it like, this brig? Well if I was an estate agent, I'd probably describe it as an old-style penal establishment, abundant wildlife, two-hundred bedrooms, all with ensuite buckets.
Smeggin' hell.
They call it The Tank.
There was an inmate population of four-hundred, all being transported to Adelphi 12.
Presumably, they've all been resurrected too.
What are they like? No don't tell me, I already know.
They're all deranged, hairy no-lobes with breath like old nappies, arms like toilet walls scum of the universe.
They're all like that, aren't they? Well, the nice ones are, yeah.
Hang on, I've got one of them on file somewhere.
Here we go: I'm Nigel.
I'm nice! See what I mean? They're not all headbangers.
Nige is lovely, though he does tend to get a bit narky if you go too close to him with a magnet.
Thanks very much Holl.
Y' really cheering me up.
The brig.
Two years.
! Two years without curry and lager! Two years without sex! - You hope! - Rimmer! Word's out they're going to throw the book at you, Listy! Followed by the bookcase, and then the library, brick by brick.
God, it's you like you used to be.
What got into you? You can't fly a Starbug, meladdo! You're a technician! A zero! A nobody! This is gonna sound nuts, but the whole crew died, including you! And you've all been resurrected by these microscopic little robots! - I died? - Yeah.
- All the crew died? - Yeah.
And you're going to spend the next two years in the brig with a load of neanderthals with badly spelled tattoos.
So where are we, is it my heaven? Look, a radiation leak wiped everybody out.
I survived because I was in stasis.
Then these nano's arrived rebuilt the ship, and resurrected the crew.
So where are they? Dunno gone, scarpered.
Maybe I should take the fifth? The fifth? If I were you, I'd take the sixth, seventh and eighth, too.
I've got to track down these nano's, to corroborate our story.
Otherwise, who's going to believe our defence? Only meths drinkers and the corn circle society.
I need your help, man.
Me? Who else is going to help me? I'm confined to quarters.
The minute I walk though that door, I get enough wattage up my jacksie to light up the whole of Bootle! Well, considering what the future has in store for your jacksie, a couple of zillion volts is going to be easy street What's this rumour that we're three million light years into Deep Space, and Red Dwarf's changed shape? That is classified information, Karen! Who the hell told you that? The coffee machine on G-deck.
That damn coffee machine.
I'm gonna bust his ass down to tampon dispenser! Is it true? Until we get Holly back up, we can't verify it.
Starbug took out one of his CPU banks in the crash and we're having trouble rebooting.
The coffee machine said the ship's now identical to its original design plans, before the JMC made all its cutbacks? We now have a quark-level matter anti-matter generator, ship-wide bio-organic computer networking, and a karaoke bar on C-deck.
But how? And how did we wind up in Deep Space? Nobody knows We don't believe this one's human.
Take a look at this: Has he got the measles? Those are his nipples, Frank.
Six nipples? I wonder what the female of the species is like? Pretty easy to please in bed! Especially if you play the piano.
His internal organs are different too.
In what way? His kidney, liver, appendix, are all colour co-ordinated.
And even weirder, his stomach wall appears to be decorated.
This guy's intestines look better than my quarters.
His heartbeat's weird too.
Instead of a normal heartbeat, his sounds cooler You think I'm going to have the dorky human heartbeat? D dff, d dff, d dff, d dff.
Where's the tune in that? Let me hear it.
Also, his pulse is a different rhythm.
Oh, that's good.
Can you slam that down on tape for me? Rimmer, I'm begging you man: help me escape.
I've got to track down these nanobots.
I'm not risking my career and standing for you, Listy.
I'm going places! "Up the ziggurat, lickety-split" Up the ziggurat, lickety-split, precisely! I'm going to pass the engineering exam! "And become an officer" And become an officer, yes! An officer.
A guy of honour, decency and breeding.
Are you saying I haven't got those qualities? Generally, people with breeding, when they're bored and want my bridge club chums to wrap up and go home, people with breeding, generally, do not play 'Popeye the Sailor Man' with a kazoo inserted between their buttocks.
I remember that! I used to do that sort of thing, didn't I? Don't expect help from me, Lister.
But that was years ago It was last week! Last week for you, because you've just been resurrected; years ago for me.
And anyway I was whirlitzered then.
I even finished off the advocar.
I even downed that smeg-awful pink stuff down the back of the drinks cabinet.
That was my Windowlene I must have left it there when I was cleaning the glass.
It tasted all right with that Chartruess green liqueurey thing.
You drank my Swarfega too? You're unbelievable.
Look, I've changed, I'm different now more mature, more debonair.
I don't even stir my tea with a spanner any more.
You'd hardly recognise me.
Have you stopped playing the guitar? No, but I've stopped accompanying myself on the armpit.
What I'm trying to say is that I don't need to take my frustrations out on you anymore.
How's that? I've been away, what is it? Five, six years, not counting stasis? I've done stuff! Stuff that would make your hair straight.
I've come through it.
I can help you - Do what? - Get promoted.
Preposterous! How? Information.
I've seen the crew's confidential reports.
I've seen their strengths and weaknesses How? Well before you were resurrected, I had the run of the whole of the ship.
I've seen the crew's files, medical records, sessions with the therapist, the works.
Knowledge is power.
Who said that? I don't know.
Nor do I.
The point I'm trying to make is, I can make you look like a genius.
You can get promoted in the field, man, you won't have to take exams, or do that astro-engineering smeg Just, help me escape.
I have my principles, Lister.
You think you can buy me with promises of power and glory? You really think okay, I'll do it.
But you'll have to prove it to me first.
You're on.
- Get me promoted.
- You've got it.
Okay, deal.
You'll find the confidential files in Starbug's cockpit.
There's a senile version of Holly loaded into this watch.
He'll lead you to it.
Hello, I'm Doctor Lucas McLaren; I am the ship's chief psychiatric counsellor, and I thought it's about time we got together, and had a really good natter.
My name is Kryten, sir.
Lovely! We are doing well, aren't we! Now, you're a robot, aren't you? I was, the last time I looked, sir, yes.
And can you tell me, when you were created, can you remember? Very good, 2340.
Now, that's in the future, isn't it? Yes sir, I was created after you died.
Lovely! Lovely! So, I died, er, and you were created.
And how long would you say I've been dead, altogether? Oh, you're not dead any more, sir.
Aren't I? No no, you're alive again now, sir.
Can't you tell? Right! I was alive, died, and then started living again.
? You have been most fortunate sir! I have, haven't I? Golly! Your chair is screwed down, isn't it, Kryten? Er, yes, sir? Just checking! Excellent, lovely, lovely! So, how did I suddenly spring back to life again? You were rebuilt, sir, by these itty-bitty, teeny-weeny, teenty little robots! 'Teenty little robots'? And they make this little noise, 'miniminiminiminiminiminiminiminimini'! Yes, just double check that chair for me, would you, Kryten? It is still screwed down, isn't it? With really long, long screws that go deep, deep into the ground? Er, yes, sir.
Okay, now tell me, what kind of robot do you think you are? What were you programmed to do? Oh well, I'm a sanitation droid, sir.
I'm programmed to do sanitation-type things: washing, cleaning, ironing.
You also drive spaceships though, don't you? Pretend to be the science officer, and sit in that lovely, swivelly chair, with all those lovely, pretty buttons and press them all? Yes, I do that too, sir.
That's sort of thanks to Mister Lister.
Mister Lister.
? He helped break my programming, sir.
Over the years I have managed to develop some serious character faults of which I'm extremely proud! I'm even able to lie to a modest standard, for example: "you have a very fine hair cut!" You see how good I've got? Also, "I've completely mastered pomposity, even though I say so myself!" I've also developed several rudimentary emotions, including fear: "Oh my God! It's going to kill us!"; sadness: "Oh my God, it's killed us"; happiness: "oh no it hasn't!"; surprise: "Oohh! I've turned into a frog!", and just lately, I'm proud to say, I've got the hang of anger, with rudimentary mindless violence: That's a newie.
I was going to launch it at this year's Emotion Show.
At the moment, I'm working on ambivalence which means feeling two opposite, irreconcilable emotions about the same thing: As you can see, I haven't quite got the hang of that one yet.
I look like a dog with a caramel toffee.
What is your relationship with Lister? I love Mister Lister, sir, he taught me everything.
Without him, I'd probably be normal.
I'm going to make a recommendation now, Kryten, which I think will help you, but just before I do, just double check that chair for me, would you? Yes! Luck virus; sexual magnetism? Holly, what's this? Dave got them years ago from this scientist called Lanstrom.
They're positive viruses.
One gives you sexual magnetism, and the other gives you luck.
Well, 'til your natural body defences combat the virus.
Sexual magnetism! You gonna use it? Is Paris a kind of plaster? You bet I am! A tiny swigette to see if it works.
Well, bottoms up! Then bottoms down, and hopefully bottoms up again! Hi, Arn Ladies! Hi, Arnold The world loves a bastard!