Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Back in the Red, Part 2

This is the daily report of Captain F.
Hollister of the mining ship Red Dwarf.
Several of my crew are presently being tried for crimes against the Space Corps.
This is gonna sound nuts, but the whole crew died, including you! And you've all been resurrected by these microscopic little robots! I've got to track down these nano's, to corroborate our story.
Otherwise, who's going to believe our defence? Only meths drinkers and the corn circle society.
I need your help, man.
I've seen the crew's files, medical records, sessions with the therapist, the works.
I can make you look like a genius.
You can get promoted in the field, man, you won't have to take exams.
Just, help me escape.
I have my principles, Lister.
You think you can buy me with promises of power and glory? You really think okay, I'll do it.
But you'll have to prove it to me first.
You're on.
Get me promoted.
You'll find the confidential files in Starbug's cockpit.
There's a senile version of Holly loaded into this watch.
He'll lead you to it.
Yes! My captain, sir.
Rimmer, is this salute ever gonna end? Err, do I have time to go for a cup of coffee? Maybe go on vacation? Nearly finished sir.
It's my very special extra long salute, I reserve for the especially important, sir.
You wanted to see me? I'm concerned over some of the safety procedures on board, sir.
There's a potentially lethal scenario concerning drive plates, sir.
Obviously, anyone who mis-repaired one of these plates would have to have a brain the size of a leprechaun's testicle, nevertheless, sir, like German tourists, the stupid are everywhere.
I propose the following new safety procedures, sir.
Did you really think of this? Permission to look smug, sir.
Permission granted.
Good work, Rimmer.
Great work.
Oh, before I go, sir.
Happy wedding anniversary, sir.
"Anus Soothe Pile Cream.
The easy-to-apply cream that comes with its own special glove".
"One size fits all" I could tell from your walk.
Rimmer could you post this for me? Why, certainly, sir.
Oh, its addressed to me, sir? I'm giving a supper for some of the guys that I've marked out for greater things.
And you want me to be the wine waiter, sir? This report is first rate! Now, I want you to come to supper.
See you on Friday.
Incidentally, its black tie Thai, Chinese, I'll eat anything, sir! Though, I would prefer it if it wasn't black any chance of having mine medium-rare, sir? Just go! Wear what the hell you want Fill this up, behind the screen.
Kryten, hi What are you doing here? What's wrong? I've been classified as a woman.
A woman, why? Well, because I haven't got a penis It's a Space Corps.
directive to prevent gender ambiguity in jail.
What's the saying, "if you've got nothing to swing, you can't be with Bing".
Well, what happened, did you lose it? I was never issued with one, ma'am.
Well, why would I need one, unless somehow I lost both arms and there was an emergency situation to write my name in the snow.
But hey, now you're a woman its going to mean some big changes in the way you behave.
I'm not going to be a woman for long, ma'am.
Just overnight.
They want my permission to repair my corrupted files.
Tomorrow afternoon.
Restore my factory settings! But your corrupted files are what makes you you! I've been diagnosed as being quirky and unstable! Spin my nipple-nuts and send me to Alaska! Quirky!? How could they reach a verdict like that? And as for unstable! It makes me so Darn it, I still haven't got the hang of that emotion, have I? What was it supposed to be? Ambivalence.
Didn't come out right though, did it? I look like Mister Lister when he's forced to eat fruit.
Well, look, what are you going to do? Why, I have to go along with them, ma'am I can't say no, they are my superiors.
Look, you've got to say no! I can't! They're better than me, I'm, I'm not strong enough! Right, here's a tip: if you get scared tomorrow, just imagine what they look like on the loo can you see them? No, I Ooh.
! Yes, I can! Do they still seem better than you? No, ma'am! - Do they still seem superior? - No, ma'am! That's what you've got to do tomorrow! Just re-create that picture! - It works for everyone! - Yes! Who are you looking at now? You, ma'am! Be upstanding.
Just relax, Rimmer's gonna help us escape.
This enquiry's a piece of cake, we're just going through the motions Let's get this enquiry under way.
You have refused defense assistance, is that right? Okay, this is what we do.
I've watched a lot of TV shows and we all huddle together like this and whisper for a while before we answer.
It looks like we know what we're doing! We intend to defend ourselves! You see how good that looked? Are you familiar with the mind scan? We are familiar with the mind scan, sir.
You are aware that it pictorially enhances the cognitive process, making your innermost thoughts available for recording and viewing to a board of enquiry? Yes, sir.
You understand that it will involve the administration of psychotropic drugs, that is, drugs that affect your mental state, making this process possible? If you accept, say 'aye'.
Please sign the consent forms and seal them into the envelopes provided.
We reconvene at 10am tomorrow.
The plan's working, Listy.
Operation Get Rimmer Officerhood, Power and Eminence, or G.
for short, is bang on course.
That information I gave you on the drive plates worked, then? Yes! He's never been so pleased! And, get this, he's invited me to supper with the movers and the shakers.
The movers and the shakers? Not me, Listy.
I'm on my way, up the ziggurat, lickety-split.
Well, don't forget your part of the deal.
The override code for this so I can leg it.
It's too soon, I'm not an officer yet! The trial begins tomorrow, man! Without the nanobots our defence has got more holes than my socks.
But once you've legged it, where does that leave me? I'm not helping you escape and losing all my insider knowledge.
I'm not an officer yet.
Woh! we shook hands on a deal! Yeah but, Lister, you know me; my handshake's less reliable than a plumber's estimate.
No escapo, no more info.
Listy, its not going to help you.
I've got the confidential files.
Plus, I went through Starbug's salvage, and I found these: The Luck virus Sexual Magnetism.
Positive viruses, Holly told me everything.
Take some of this, it gives you luck, and this, gives you sexual magnetism.
I've already tried some; right now, Yvonne McGruder is sleeping off the first twenty-three pages of the Kame Sutra.
So, you reneged on the deal, then? Breaking your promise? So you're a total scum-sucking, two-faced, weaselly weasel? Ah, my entry in "Who's Who".
You left some of your luck behind, man.
I touched the tube Sheer luck You may, if you prefer, stand with the others tomorrow and face the charges against you.
However, I advise that you have your corrupted files repaired, after which you may go free.
What is your decision? Nnnn-, nnnnn-, nnnnnnnn-, oh, its no good! Okay, let's all stay calm! No need to be After all, Kryten is merely holding us hostage, which is lovely! Isn't it, everyone? Lovely.
We don't want any trouble.
We'll just do what you say.
Come on, then.
Come with me.
Come on, inside, inside, that's it.
Come on, all of you, quick, quick, quick, quick.
There we go, that's it.
Now, I want you to take down your pants, and sit on a toilet.
My god, he's mad! Then what're you going to do to us.
? I'm going to look at you.
He's totally mad! Just do what he says Lovely Now I want you to ask me the question again.
"Do I want to have my corrupted files repaired?" Do you want to have your corrupted files repaired? Nnnnnn-, nnnnnnn-, nnnnnn-no.
I did it.
No, nnnnn-no, I don't.
The answer to the question is no.
No doubt about it, I do not want to have my corrupted files repaired.
The answer is nnnnno! Hello.
I'm the Data Doctor.
If you would like me to examine your hard disk, press 'Examine'.
Your mechanoid appears to have developed the following rogue emotions: affection, arrogance, envy, guilt, humour, insecurity, petulance, possessiveness, snobbery, and love.
If you wish to eradicate these emotions from his database, press 'Fix'.
All bad line blocks and corrupted personality disks have now been fixed.
Please reboot your mechanoid.
His personality has now been restored - to its factory settings.
My name is Kryten, I am programmed to serve.
Can I be of service? Bring me a coffee, please, Kryten.
Certainly, ma'am.
Then you may scrub the floor.
Yes, ma'am.
Are you happy - Kryten? I have no understanding of human emotions, ma'am.
I am programmed to serve.
I'm going to be 'Colin Charisma' at the Captain's table with this stuff.
Hi And if we approach light speed, I think we have to be aware we could come across something I believe we'll experience called 'future echoes'.
Certain pockets of futurey things.
From the future.
How fascinating What a fascinating man you are, Mister Rimmer I think we've greatly underestimated you over the years, Arnold.
Now, let me find out where that coffee is.
Oh no, Captain, please, allow me.
Perhaps, ah, you could help me, Mister Rimmer.
? Why, certainly, and perhaps we can talk about my theory on backwards universes? And, of course, in a backwards universe many things begin to make more sense - Oh my god, you are sexy! So very, very sexy! Bravo, bud! What now? Well, we find Kryten, get to the landing bay, grab a ship and get the hell outta town.
He's on this floor.
Here he is! Kryten, come on.
Are you addressing me, sir? I don't believe we've had the pleasure.
What have they done to you, Kryten? You sound like Noel Coward's elocution teacher! Well, if you'll forgive me, sir, I have my duties to perform.
Good day.
Aw, they've fixed all his corrupted files.
He mustn't have been able to say 'no'.
Someone's coming.
We've got to get a better disguise.
We've already got a disguise! What's the point of a disguise if you wear it under your normal outfit, Cat? A grey boiler suit? You think I'm gonna wear this on the outside? Ha! Look, we're not leaving without him.
I don't care what they've done to him, he's coming with us.
He's part of the posse.
Hey! I got a great idea for a new disguise! What? The Dibbley family! Yess! Ahhh, there you are! Any news on the coffee? Drat.
We forgot.
I'll find out right away, sir.
I'll give you a hand, Mister Rimmer Sorry to interrupt sir, but we're searching this floor for the escaped prisoners.
Sorry, we haven't seen them.
Just me, my wife, here, and my brother.
Hello! - Hi! - Hi.
I don't recollect seeing you guys before.
? That's because we don't go around much looking like this.
What do you guys do? .
Computer programmers.
Well, if you see anything suspicious, call security, okay? Er, you bet.
Begging your pardon, sirs, I just need to get a mop.
How peculiar, my mop-heads are missing.
Don't I know you, sir? Wayne Wayne, something.
Wayne Wibbley? Where do I know you from? No, no, sir, you're mistaken.
You're mixing me up with some other big-teeth dork.
No, let him speak.
Where do you know him from? Are you out of your mind? Shh-shh! Where do you know him from? Think! I think I'm about to discover something wonderful, but, when I discover it, it will put someone in great danger.
I feel an emotion.
I feel two emotions; two different emotions! I feel- I feel- Ambivalence? I can feel my files corrupting they're corrupting, I oohh, ohhh, oh yes, that's good! Oohh! I'm back, and I'm bad! Obviously, within certain sensible pre-set parameters Attention, attention! Reported prisoner sighting on C-deck, reported prisoner sighting on C-deck! Nice one, Holl What's wrong with you? Well, do you get the impression this is too easy? Like, everything's going for us? Like they almost want us to escape! Hey, I was just thinking aloud! No, no! The Luck virus, it's helping us.
Put your kit on.
Here we are! Remembered the coffee at last.
What about the mints? I'll go.
Would you like to help me, Mister Rimmer.
? It's just, I've got so much coffee, I don't think I could manage to get any mints until tomorrow Well, the psychotropic testing should be well underway by now.
Those results sure are going to be interesting.
Psychotropic what? The Lister case is so unusual I decided to invoke my right to use psychotropic evidence.
The accused are drugged, wired to a mainframe, then the computer feeds in various hypothetical scenarios and their reactions are laid down on tape.
Right now, they believe they're escaping, but we just want to observe what they do So, that means, that if anyone happens to mention any special agreements that they've entered into, then - Could you excuse me? I think I left the iron on Hi What is wrong with me? I've got the sexual appetite of a mountain lion, no, worse, a first year nursing student! It's just being wanted, it's such an aphrodisiac.
Got to get some control back! Hi.
Never realised you were so damn popular with the ladies Maybe you can share your secret sometime? Yes, sir.
Guys, it's Bob and Max.
Go on, shoo, guys, shoo, go on! We're trying to escape, but you'll never get past security, so go on! Go on!