Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Back in the Red, Part 3

One day in this lousy, stinking penal colony and I'm cracking up.
Everyone's so deranged and brutal it's frightening.
This afternoon I was so depressed I went to see the social worker.
Was he any help? Not really; he beat me up.
I thought social workers were supposed to be nice? In the end I was so shell-shocked I went to see the priest and explained everything.
What did he say? He said I was a whining baby who was missing his mum.
Then he beat me up, too.
You can still see the crucifix marks in the back of my head.
It's cos we're in G-tower.
All the staff are mad, here.
One of the guys was saying, though, as a reward for good behaviour, they move you to the luxury block on D-wing.
Everything's really nice there; they even shampoo the rats.
Groom their tails and everything.
What's this? "Floor 13 information pack.
If privacy is required when using toilet, please wear blindfold.
" What's the book? Gideon's Bible.
He follows me everywhere, that bloke! I was staying in a hotel once, he left his bible behind there, as well.
And two years later, another hotel, dozy git left it behind again! Everything is ruined.
My career's over, I've no goal, no hope, no life.
Yeah, but how come that's started to get you down now? Maybe you hadn't noticed, but we're going to spend the next two years in the brig? Two years with the scum of the universe, hardened criminals, deranged droids, people so unbalanced and debauched they could even get elected as President of the United States.
We've got to escape! Woh! There're security cameras everywhere.
You know that mad geezer with the one eye and the funny tic? He said it was impossible.
Well he's bound to say that, he was the warden! If only I'd hired a smarter lawyer, instead of the brain-dead, pompous, stupid-haired git I ended up with.
You defended yourself! Yes, and I don't need reminding of that, thank you very much.
Two years in the Tank Two years How did I get into this mess? I think the blindfold's supposed to be for me This is the diary of Captain F.
Hollister of the mining ship Red Dwarf.
Several of my crew are presently being tried for crimes against the Space Corps: Are you familiar with the mind scan? We are familiar with the mind scan, sir.
You understand that it will involve the administration of psychotropic drugs, that is, drugs that affect your mental state, making this process possible? If you accept, say 'aye'.
Please sign the consent forms and seal them into the envelopes provided.
We reconvene at 10am tomorrow.
To test the voracity of their defence, unknown to them, I've had them placed in artificial reality where their - actions can be observed.
Right now, they believe they're escaping, but we just want to observe what they do So, that means, that if anyone happens to mention any special agreements that they've entered into Could you excuse me? I think I left the iron on Rimmer, one of the least able of my crew - has started acting very suspiciously, being incredibly insightful, and efficient.
I suspect he may have access to the crew's confidential files.
We also believe he may be in possession of a virus, which makes him incredibly attractive to the opposite sex.
This is obviously a remarkable serum and, as a responsible senior officer of the Space Corps, it's imperative I gain possession of this solution and use some myself.
Oh - my - god - you are sexy! So very, very sexy! Yesterday he was observed injecting his groin with anaesthetic - something we believe he did to regain some self-control.
I also suspect someone, possibly Lister, has given Rimmer access to the crew's confidential files, and he's using this information to blackmail his way up the chain of command.
It's sickening, it's unforgivable, but it's a technique that can work.
I should know: I used the same method myself to become Captain.
If the crew discover I'm really just Dennis the donut boy, I'm finished.
I will continue to observe Lister's actions in AR and expect my suspicions to be confirmed.
Report ends.
T minus eighteen seconds - and counting; engines start.
This is Ground Control to Midget 3- you don't appear to have flight clearance.
Please state your name and clearance code.
Ground Control, this is, er - Major Tom! - Yeah! Major Tom - Major Tom, what is your clearance code and pilot number? I'm sorry, I left all my details in my other pants.
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
Woooowwww! Without takeoff clearance I can't permit you to fly.
I can handle this thing okay.
I'm good.
I'm better than good, I'm smoooooth, with a capital 'Smooooo'.
Well that's as maybe, but I need a little proof you can fly that thing.
Fly!? I can make this thing dance! Wow! You free Saturday? I am now.
Holy-shmoly! I got a date in three day's time; I better start getting ready! You're going nowhere, man, we are outta here! Now all we've got to do is get a bearing on those damn nano's - and we're cruising down Freedom Boulevard.
Getting something now, sir.
We didn't need that confidential files scam I cooked up with Rimmer after all.
All that stuff I gave him on the Captain Double-dealing, two-faced rat! Find - all - references to - the - agreement between - Lister - and Rimmer - and - remove.
"All references removed.
" What was that? Something weird just happened Yeah, I felt it, too.
There it was again! And again.
Oh, my.
What is it? I don't believe I'm here.
I have that feeling all the time.
I have it.
I believe we're in some kind of computer-manipulated, psychotropically induced mind state.
You took the words right out of my mouth.
You mean this is our trial? Our escape is our trial? The envelopes When we signed the consent forms there must have been some kind of drug on the gluey bit we licked.
So you mean nothing's been real since then? Blue Midget? The Ground Controller? None of that was real? You mean after all this, I still haven't got a date? Damn! Another year when I have to sent a Valentine's card to my hand No, this good, this is good! It proves we're innocent! Everything we've said and done: escaping, trying to track down the nano's; it corroborates our story! But you are guilty, guys! Who are you fooling? I dunno why I said that.
We're being framed Wait a minute, what's happening? I just said "we're being framed" and suddenly - It just happened again! Everything we say's being - Bananas.
If I say who I think's responsible for this it'll get cut too, so I'm not going to, but it's him.
I know it's him, you can bet on it, and if I ever catch up to him, I'm gonna cut off both his b- blunt knife.
So how do we stop him? If we're plugged into A.
software there must be a 'trap door' built into the program somewhere to allow escape.
You mean to help you get out if the program freezes? Precisely.
There'll be a cryptic clue around somewhere, something like a trap door or exit I got it! There's a button here with "E - 11- T" written on it.
And? numerals.
E - XI - T; "EXIT"! He got that? I think it proves, without a shadow of a doubt, this is not reality! Press it.
Now where are we? Well somehow we've wound up in the screen saver! We need to locate a power source so we can switch the A.
machine off.
A power source? A.
? There has to be a clue around here somewhere.
Maybe it's in this ice hole? There's some food in here? So? Including a bottle of ketchup So? Power ketchup, get it? What's to get? Power sauce! Pity he's only smart when he's made out of plastecine.
! Press it! Ohhhh ohhhh You back-stabbin', weaselly smegger! You were trying to frame us! Listy! Just the man.
Now, I know, at first glance, this may look bad - God, he's gorgeous Ohh, hold her back, please, hold her, please! No more, no more! Oh those nostrils! They're driving me crazy, I've simply got to have them! Hold her back, Kryten, help me! Mister Cat, sir, put the lift on hold! I want his babies! The Luck virus, have you still got it? Take some! It'll cure the virus, and restore you both to normal.
Oh god, that's so embarrassing What now, Holl? No time to lose, you should head for the nearest one of these: You mean a moon? Exactly.
He's right.
We can regroup there and continue our search for the nano's.
What about me? Well, Mister Rimmer has had access to the confidential files, sir.
He knows all the security codes.
Without him, our chances of escape are about as remote as meeting an interesting hairdresser called Kylie.
So, what's it to be? Look, if I leave I'm always going to be a failure.
The shame of it.
Every time I have a boiled egg, knowing I don't even outrank the toastie soldiers.
I want to be an officer, a man of honour.
But that's not gonna happen for you now, man.
Just like it didn't happen for the other Rimmer.
We're giving you a second chance at life, and an opportunity for you to screw it up in a new and original way.
The old Rimmer was a vital member of the team.
He performed essential functions we've never replaced.
What did he do? I dunno, really.
He, erm he was, erm he was, erm ah! Head of Safety! "Head of Safety", that's a hell of a title! But what did he actually do? He sought out danger; he sought out peril.
Then he advised us the best way to run away from it.
Head of Safety.
Five buttons.
I'm in! He's in? Let's celebrate! I'll crack open a bottle of cyanide! This is Ground Control.
You don't appear to have flight clearance.
You're the ground controller? Please state your name and clearance code.
Reality sucks! Your name's "Reality Sucks"? One second, Mister Sucks.
Just checking my clearance lists Look, just do another smegging dance and we'll get the hell out of here! Dance? With her I'd have trouble walking! Powering up! Come back Mister Sucks, come back! There's nothing on the scanner for a thousand mile radius We're in the clear, guys! Yes, oh yes! I don't believe we are, ma'am What's up? According to the supplies inventory we're frighteningly low on oh, and everyone was so happy, I can barely say it out loud What are we frighteningly low on? Oxygen? Worse! Fabric softener! Suggest we chart a course to the nearest derelict, the SS Einstein before everyone's woolens get all bibbly-bobbly! Einstein? Wasn't he the dude who discovered America? Einstein discovered the Theory of Relativity.
Where did he discover it? Was it fossilised, and stuff? The Theory of Relativity is What is the Theory of Relativity? Yeah, what is it, Holl? Bit busy at the moment, Dave.
Well, just tell us what is is in, sort of, simple layman's terms.
It's a theory.
Yeah, but what is it? Oh, you want it more complicated than that, do you? What does it mean? It's the Theory of Relativity.
You know, it's the theory you only tell your relatives.
It's so sad.
Holly's supposed to have an I.
of 6000.
Now, I doubt he could even spell I.
If I'm so stupid, if I'm computer senile, explain this then.
Explain what? You can't, can you.
Explain what? It's no good stalling, trying to buy time.
If I'm so stupid, explain why I was able to re-create a new set of nanobots and get them to resurrect the crew.
What? I thought you'd be pleased.
But why? My job is to keep Dave sane.
True, I'm not that good at it, but I do my best.
That's why I create these little diversions to keep him occupied.
But Holl, we could have wound up doing two years in the brig! Still could.
I've just worked it out, we're still in A.
What? In computer jargon: my plans have all gone tits-up.
I was out-thought, and out-manoeuvred.
Who by? By a superior intellect.
You mean the hand-dryer in the men's toilets has outsmarted you again? No, by that other version of me.
The one on Red Dwarf.
This is still our trial.
Our trial? Why didn't you say? If I'd have known, I'd have worn a tie! Well, for me, Lister's nanobots story is corroborated.
They were trying to track 'em down.
Their actions in the psychtropically induced scenario bear that out.
I agree Frank.
I also believe we died, and were, indeed, resurrected.
Again, borne out by their actions.
So, original charges: all innocent.
But, its equally apparent that they used classified information from the crew's confidential files to their own ends.
I suspected Rimmer had access the moment he walked into my office and began acting incredibly smart and knowledgeable.
What a giveaway.
That's why I got him to lick one of the psychotropic envelopes when I invited him to dinner.
So, abusing classified information.
That's a fresh charge.
And on that, they're all guilty.
That's a statutory sentence.
I know.
Two years in the brig.
So, instead of the original charge and a possible sentence of two years in the brig, they've been found guilty on another charge, and got an entirely different two years in the brig.
That's going to be a great comfort to them.
I'll bring them around, and break the news.
This is reality? But how can we be sure? Why do we care? Nothing makes any sense no matter where we are.
Look, everything was real before we licked the envelopes, right? Then we conked out, and got carted off to A.
before we licked anything before we licked anything I lent you my Holly watch! So if this is reality, I should still be wearing it Oh yeah, this is reality, all right.
I'd recognise it anywhere.
Also, sir, shouldn't you have the viruses? Again, you found them on Starbug before we licked the envelopes.
The Luck virus; maybe we can still get out of this mess.
I'll take that.
The lab boys are gonna want to run tests on it.
Where's the other one.
I'm afraid I lost it, sir.
God damn it, Rimmer! I wanted that! Er, I mean, the lab boys wanted it, to, er, test it, too.
Damn! This is all your fault.
My fault? You betrayed us over that confidential files scam - Stole the Sexual Magnetism virus - You lied to us - And generally behaved like a self-serving, scum-sucking, ruthless little ratbag! And that's bad? It is the finding of this enquiry that you have been found guilty of contravening Act 21 of the Space Federation.
Before sentencing, you will have medicals so you can be assigned appropriate prison status.
I've buggered this up a bit, haven't I.
Welcome to the Tank