Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Pete, Part 1

I understand you played an idiotic prank on a senior and much respected officer yesterday.
That is just not true, sir.
We played a prank on Mister Ackerman, sir - Oh, I see What happenned? We inserted a capsule of the truth serum, sodium pentathol, into his asthma inhaler, sir.
Ah, which is why he rushed onto the bridge this morning, apologised for being late, saying he'd been having 'jiggy-jiggy' with the Science Officer's wife, and hadn't allowed enough time to change out of his Batman outfit Permission to snigger, sir? Permission refused.
May have to snigger anyway, sir Do either of you have anything to say? About what, sir? About Mister Ackerman! About him being late, and wearing a Batman outfit? Has he considered being Tarzan? Costume change'd be much quicker.
You two are both serving a two-year sentence in the brig.
Do you want to get out? Ever? It's that Mister Ackerman's so horrible, sir.
I am not, sir! I'm extremely nice! Lovely, in fact.
Warm; caring, but most of all, nice.
Hence my nickname: 'Nicey' Ackerman.
That's why I entered the service, sir; so I could share my sunny disposition with inmate scum who didn't have my start in life.
Sir, he's been horrible since the day we first met him: Today, we have a new intake.
To them, I say: obey the rules; keep out of trouble, and you time here will pass much more pleasantly.
Welcome to Floor 13.
Seems like a nice guy! If you want to speak, ask my permission.
I was just saying how nice you seemed! You spoke again.
But I was paying you a compliment, buddy! I was saying how you seemed to be a fair-minded, okay kind of guy; not one of these psycho-types you sometimes get running around prisons.
You spoke again! Come on, dude, back me up! Hang on, wait! I get it, I should shut up! If I shut up they'll stop hitting me.
That is definitely the key! That is totally untrue, sir! Save it! Save it, Mister Ackerman.
I've thought long and hard about a suitable punishment, and I've come up with this: you, and a team of your choice, will play Basketball against a team of guards led by Mister Ackerman - God bless you, sir.
where you will be trounced and humiliated in front of the entire inmate population.
But sir, if we lose, Baxter and his cronies will beat us to a pulp! You better win, then! Okay guys, way to go! - Where were you? - Where was I? You were supposed to be picking up Rice! I did.
We're meeting up for drinks on Thursday.
Not that kind of 'picking up', you ninny.
Buddies, we've gotta stop arguing, we can't lose this! Got it all taken care of As soon as the guards swig their half-time juice Yeah, the Skutters managed to smuggles something out of the medi-lab for us, y'know that stuff that helps impotent guys put the zest back in their love lives? 'Boing!', the virility enhancement drug!? That's the stuff, and we've Mickey Finn'd their drinks.
Within seconds, you're harder than a quadratic equation, and, it doesn't wear off for seven hours.
For seven hours those guys are going to be like catapults! That's going to seriously slow them down.
You're not kidding - Try moving fast with a fishing pole in your pants! Get out there and kill! They're lambs to the slaughter! Go on, go get 'em! Come on! Get your hands up! Get your hands up, don't let them shoot! Don't let them shoot! Seven hours.
Do you know how long that is? I couldn't remove my shorts until after midnight! When I wanted a leak I had to do a handstand on the toilet seat.
I stopped the lift doors from closing; I wasn't even catching a lift! Where'd you get it, the medi-lab? Yes, sir.
How? If it was one of those damn Skutters I'm gonna have it crushed.
It was, er - It was me, sir.
When the doc's back was turned.
I went up to the medi-lab for a sicknote but the doctor thought I was feigning illness.
He didn't accept it was possible to have Athelete's Hand.
First thing tomorrow you're on spud-duty for two weeks.
Now get out of my sight, both of ya's Are we supposed to tip them? I'm never sure.
I've seen things more appetising on the floor of elephant houses.
Only a total idiot would eat this.
They call this meat? We're on a punishment menu now.
No chips, no ice-cream, just the basics.
Because we're on punishment detail? Yeah.
Kill Crazy reckons they give us the cloning experiments that have gone wrong, with some gravy slopped over to disguise it.
You waited until I was swallowing 'til you said that, didn't you.
Ooohhhh, chicken vindaloo Nice one, Bob.
What about the poppadums, you didn't forget them, did ya? Ha haaa! Poppadums Here's a little something for you Same time tomorrow! Cheers.
Is that the Skutter who got you the stiffening solution for the basketball game? Yeah, he can get anything, can Bob.
'A claw in every pie'.
Tomorrow we're on spud-duty, and those knives are supposed to be as sharp as a Chemistry teacher's cardigan.
Do you reckon he can get us a couple of good potato peelers? Hang on, I'm on to something here Forget the potato peelers, what we want is one of those programmable viruses from the science block Programmable what? Yeah, they used to be on Z-deck I wonder if the nano's have reconstructed them? You can program them to do whatever you want: eat potato skins, you name it.
So we could program them to eat the skins off the potatos, and leave the rest intact? We wouldn't have to lift a finger! Two weeks of hell would become 'potato paradise'! Now remember, two entire battalions went missing from this ship.
Vanished without trace.
We must stick together - and remain constantly vigilant.
One minute, everything's fine, then you lose concentration for a split second, and you're all alone and easy pickings for some hostile lifeform.
Oh, I know you think I'm a bit of a fusspot when it comes to safety procedures, but it's staying alert that has kept us all - kept us - Hello? Oh Creator, I'm on my own Hey, buddy! We're in here! What is the point of me giving my 'stay alert, everyone' pep-talk if no one is listening? What? Look at this.
What are they, Holl? They look uncannily like something you should be very, very afraid of.
- What? - Mime artists.
The ones you get in those trendy town centres, that chase you down the street, and then freeze when you look at them, and everyone laughs at you.
I've never seen anything like this before.
A group of men who display all the normal lifesigns, but seem totally incapable of movement.
Never seen QPR play away, then? 'Tempus'; that's Latin for 'time'.
Latin? I didn't even know the Romans built spaceships.
Somehow this device appears to have caused Time to freeze.
Obviously, they used it erroneously.
Where did - you come from? And how did - you get hold of that? It's some kind of tem- poral stor- age unit - Extraordinary! Hey, this could be a great device for settling arguments! Don't mess - with that thing, it can re- lly screw - ew-ew-ew - you up! It appears to be able to digitise Time, and then download it and store it on a hard drive.
This 'purer' Time can then be uploaded into objects, or places.
To freeze people? Er, technically they're not frozen, ma'am, merely operating in a different 'Time stream'.
So you mean they're moving, just incredibly slowly? About the same speed as the average Little Chef waitress.
That's why they don't appear to be actually doing anything.
So, this device has the ability to make Time come to a complete stop? What else can it do? What's happenned!? Kryten, why are you so big, and why do I suddenly feel like a Vimto? Waahhhh! You gotta get me back to normal! Do something! I can't go back like this! Why not? You may only be three feet tall but you're both as cute as buttons! Eeuuur! What's happenned to my hair!? And what's happenned to mine! You look like the Turkish entry in the Eurovision song contest.
It seems to have restored your hair to a previous Time period to the rest of you.
Compensating: Now its regressed your outfits to a previous time in your lives! And you still look like the Turkish entry in the Eurovision song contest.
So, here's the question: can you unfreeze these guys but take them back in Time so they have no memory of finding this? I think so, ma'am.
Why? If we can smuggle this back on Red Dwarf, it can make our prison terms pass in seconds! Leave this to me.
I have an excellent place to conceal it.
Nice - one - Bob It's not working, is it? Give it a bit of time to get going.
Look look! It's working on this one Yess! And here's another! Yess! And another! Yesss! And another! Fan-smegging-tastic! Listy, we're on our way! They're gonna do the whole damn room in minutes! Hey, what's happenned to your sleeve, man? What? Your sleeve; I didn't notice that before.
? My God, they're eating my clothes! Well? It wasn't me, sir, it was him.
He made me do it.
You Judas! I thought we'd agreed to refuse to talk? Just let me blame you first, then I'll refuse to talk.
If I ever, ever, see you in this office again, then you're in the Hole, is that what you want? No, sir.
Well then, get out.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
You haven't been down to the medi-bay to get this virus off, have you I probably shouldn't have shaken your hand, sir.
- That was probably a mistake.
- Big mistake, sir.
I, um - we'll We'll be going, sir.
Right now.
That's it! Two months! In the Hole! Sir? What about my Athelete's Hand? Now! Straight after lunch, we zap the ship with a two year download of Time, and the records will show that we've served our sentences, and are free to be released! This machine's amazing! D'you think it can do boob jobs, too? Obviously, I'm just thinking about the future You spilled my soup! Sorry, Baxter! Non-bud! It was an accident! Hot Bovril! Aaaagghhh! Look at him the big lug.
I'd hate to clean the bath out after him.
He'd need a sander to get rid of the tidemark, and a leaf-vac to hoover the hair! Fix him! Fix him with the Time wand! Watch this! 'Ello! Ehh? There's someone in here with us! Yeah, it's that bloke sittin' next to you.
Who are you? What's your name? They call me 'Birdman'.
Oh aye? Why's that? Because he really likes instant custard; why do you think? This is Pete; 'E's nine years old which, in sparrow years, is, er nine years old.
So that makes him, er Nine.
? Nine, that's right! You met him before, 'ave you? Two months of this, God! What's this? What happenned to everyone? It's like they're all frozen on the spot.
Yvonne McGruder went like this when I tried to kiss her.
Hey, hey, this'll drive them crazy! - Hey! - Guys! - Heyy.
- Oh, sirs! Buddies! This, is 'Birdman'.
And this is Pete.
We've found this machine that can digitise Time, and we can release jets of it, and we reckon it can make our sentence pass in a nanosecond! Hats off, sirs There's somethin' wrong with Pete What? 'E's gone all stiff! He must have drunk the guards' half-time juice.
Not that kind of stiff; he's dead! The excitement of bein' free 'as killed 'im! He really loved that bird, it was only thing that kept him going.
I can't guarantee anything, sir, but I think the Time Wand could bring him back to life; make him young and strong again.
Watch: Holy Smeg! Where the hell did Barney's ugly brother come from? From Pete, sir.
Birds are descended from dinosaurs; from the Theropod family.
I inadvertently reversed evolution several million years! There's an old Cat saying, which has particular relevance here; it goes something like this: "we are all gonna die!" Pete? Is that you, Pete? Birdman! Gezundtheit! You want some seed.
? That's a 'no' then, is it? What now, sir? Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!