Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Pete, Part 2

What happenned to everyone? It's like they're all frozen on the spot.
Hey, hey, this'll drive them crazy! We've found this machine that can digitise Time, and we can release jets of it It seems to have restored your hair to a previous Time period to the rest of you.
Fix him with the Time wand! Watch this! And this is Pete.
The excitement of bein' free 'as killed 'im! I can't guarantee anything, sir, but I think the Time Wand could bring him back to life; make him young and strong again.
Watch: Where the hell did Barney's ugly brother come from? From Pete, sir.
Birds are descended from dinosaurs; from the Theropod family.
I inadvertently reversed evolution several million years! Is that you, Pete? Birdman! What now, sir? Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur! Hey! Hey! Pete, eat me! Here! Bob! Bob, catch! Bob! Bob! Come on Kryten, hurry up! Leg it mode, sir! We've lost the time wand.
How the hell're we going to get rid of that thing now? We're finished! Stop yelling, man, we've gotta think our way out of this.
We're finished! Shut up and get a grip, man! Kryten? Er, yes, ma'am? How long, in the normal course of things, will it take for Pete to pass the Time Wand out of his system? Well, strangely enough, ma'am, I don't have that information in my database.
My programmers, for some insane reason, decided that 'dinosaur bowel movement frequency' tables wouldn't be required.
Imbeciles! Why? What's your suggestion? Well, the quicker we get the Time Wand back, the better, right? Right.
So, why don't we lure Pete into the food bay and get him to eat some roughage! Get a T-Rex to eat roughage? Yeah! All-Bran, prunes, baked beans on toast, that sort of stuff.
We've gotta keep this dinosaur business quiet or we're dead.
Everyone on the ship will have heard him by now.
But, sir, the crew are frozen, operating on a different Time stream.
Now, if we can recapture the Time Wand and turn Pete back into a sparrow before the freeze expires, no one need be any the wiser.
He's right.
I just listened to everthing he said and I still ain't got a clue what's happenning.
Right over, sir.
We don't want a gap.
Right over.
Cow vindaloo? It's not gonna work.
Of course it's gonna work.
T- Rex's don't like curry.
Look, we've got nothing to lose.
And if the worst comes to the worst, and the dino doesn't it, I'll scoff it myself.
That door's not gonna hold out much longer.
Don't put that stuff in, you're gonna spoil the taste! Here he comes! It's loving it! Maybe we should have made some poppadums, gone the whole hog? The whole hog? Like it wasn't hard enough getting the whole cow? I think he wants a lager.
It was a hot one, but with it being a dino I thought it could stand it! The Time freeze on the guards must have If only those buttons were more clearly marked! The rules about dinosaurs aboard JMC mining ships are very clear.
No pets.
Am I right? Am I right!? Yes, sir.
Have you any idea the damage that thing has caused? Sir, if you could just let us - And do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, and then eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred crates of orange ice-pops, and swills the whole thing down with two thousand gallons of a popular fizzy drink? Do you know what happens? It burps? Oh, it burps.
And do you know what happenned to the poor brave men who had the misfortune to get in the way of that burp? They went 'phwoooarrr!'? It took out the entire platoon, hurling them twenty feet across the cargo bay wall.
Do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred crates of orange ice-pops, and swills it all down with two thousand gallons of a popular fizzy drink, after it's burped? It feels sick? Oh no! It doesn't feel sick, Rimmer, it is sick! Five of our best men nearly drowned! Two others are in hospital, concussed by pieces of carrot the size of tree trunks.
We are really, deeply, deeply, deeply sorry, sir.
Do you know what happens when a dinosaur has eaten cow vindaloo, then eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by - Oh god, it didn't? It didn't what, Lister? It didn't get a diarrhea attack, did it? One hundred percent correct! And, do you know what happenned to the battalion that was sneaking up on the beast, from behind, of which I was a proud member? Do ya know? Do ya know what happenned? Yes, sir.
A fair idea, sir.
A tidal wave.
Fifteen feet high.
I will be in therapy for the rest of my life.
I've had twelve baths, and three showers.
Now, do you have anything to say? Yes, sir, I think you missed a bit up your left nostril, sir.
No one knows how to work this thing.
It is sedated in the cargo bay, turn it back into a sparrow! Sir, erm, what about Bob? Did he show up? Who the hell do you think landed on my head? He is in repairs, being oiled.
Bring back the sparrow, and, if you try anything smart, you're dead.
Yes, sir.
And, if I ever, ever, ever, see you in this office again, you are finished.
See ya in ten minutes? See ya in ten minutes? See ya in ten minutes? See ya in ten minutes? See ya in ten minutes? See ya in ten minutes? Did you get punishment duty too? I've got to iron eight-hundred prison smocks.
I don't understand Why do you get punishment duty and I get a reward? Eight-hundred! Bliss! Did you see the Captain's report? The one lying open on his desk? See what it said about you? He used the word 'imbecile' four times in one sentence.
Oh yeah? What were the other words in the sentence? Just your name, and a dash.
I don't know, you make a couple of tiny mistakes, you give the Captain a virus that eats all his hair off, then you accidentally turn a sparrow into a dinosaur and you never hear the last of it! Pssshhhhh.
He really thinks I'm an imbecile? I'm finished, I'm never going to make it into High Command now.
It's just the people who know you who think you're an imbecile.
Everyone else thinks you're a moron.
He is a good Captain, though, Captain Hollister, isn't he, eh? On the ball.
Quick? The only time he's quick is when he's passing a salad bar.
You do admire him though, don't you? Admire him? A man who has his own cinema pick-and-mix factory in his quarters? A man who has a walk-in fridge? Who lists as his hobbies 'chewing' and 'swallowing'? You did tell me once before, though, you do respect him, don't ya? Respect him? A man who's family crest is made up of two cream buns and a profitarole? A man who's idea of a light snack - - He's standing behind me, isn't he? - Yes, he is.
I was just talking about you, sir.
I was saying what a big fat lump of blubber I think you are, and how that potato virus I contracted yesterday doesn't appear to have had any strange side-effects whatsoever - You forgot this.
You left it in my office.
D'you have any idea the damage that this could cause if it got into the wrong hands? LOOK AFTER IT! You're there, I know you're there, you little sod! Come on, out! Out! There's a mouse under here, its been scuttling around for about ten minutes.
It's not a mouse, ma'am, it's Archie.
Archie? My penis.
It must have escaped.
You know, I'm really going to have to get my ears syringed; do you know what that sounded like to me? I made one.
Forget my ears, maybe my whole brain needs syringing You made one? Mmm.
Out of an old electron board, a loo roll, some sticky-backed plastic and an Action Man's polo-neck jumper.
Kryten, why do you want one? It's so humiliating, being posted to the Women's Wing just because I'm genitally challenged! So I decided to make one like Mister Lister's.
Little rascal must have got bored jumping in and out of his hoop and made a break for it during the night.
No wonder I couldn't lure him out with a bit of cheese.
This whole thing's making sense now.
Just leave this to me, ma'am.
Here, Archie! Here, boy! There he is! Kryten, do you realise what this means? No, ma'am.
It means you're a real man.
It does? Why? Because now, like all men, you have absolutely no control over your penis.
I'm so proud! Archie, come back! All right, girls? New Canary mission.
What? Un-tamed dino on the loose! We're not going in 'till we know what we're doing.
That could take years You point that thing at yourself and you could end up as a - a - sperm! Is that what you want? Hell no! None of my suits will fit! Well, if that gizmo thing don't work, Captain says we gotta go in and 'ave that thing.
And we ain't usin' no guns.
Yeah, huns are for wusses.
It's gonna be hand-to-hand combat.
A fistfight with T-Rex.
? Yeah, but them T-Rexes, mate only got little arms, in't they ain't got no reach Yeah, I'll just pick it off Bosh! Oh my god.
! What! Something's wrong! What d'you mean, man? Something's inside me and it wants to get out! Oh my god! Aaaarrggg! Help! What is it? I think it's Archie, sir.
It's who? He escaped earlier, probably followed us.
Must have dozed off in the Cat's pocket and just woken up.
Who the smeg is Archie? Oh, don't be alarmed, sir.
It's just my penis is on the loose.
Yaaarrrggg! We, want a barny with Barney, don't want any sane people spoilin' it Death or glory yee-harr! Hang on guys, come on, wait a minute This thing's useless! Say goodbye to your teeth Something's not right we're gettin' our butts kicked and it doesn't hurt.
? See, look, I'm not even bleeding.
You're right According to this, sirs, they've put your bodies on a different Time stream to the rest of you.
Let's go! You lost the Time Wand? We were ambushed, sir.
By whom? Well, first of all by Kryten's - Harummph! and then we were jumped by - Harummph! sir.
That's it? Okay.
No more 'Mister Nice Guy', no more second chances.
You get that Time Wand back, you get that sparrow back, and if you step out of line one more time, one more time, you're dead! Do you understand? What was that? I th- What the hell is going on? The effects of the fight, they've caught up with us! Get out of here, both of you! Out! Gettin' that Time Wand back could take forever, and they could zap us with it, and turn us into anything! I don't think getting it back is gonna be much of a problem It's gonna go wrong, isn't it.
Look, all I've gotta do is press 'undo', and the Time Wand will retrace its steps, and undo everything its done so far.
This way we'll even get Birdman back.
Something's gonna go wrong, it always does for us.
Will you relax? Birdman's boots.
Now to get the rest of him back.
Pete ate me.
He ate me.
He must be really out of sorts, he's never eaten me before; never.
Pete! You want some seed? Now, destroy the Time Wand.
This machine's priceless! Destroy it! What are we gonna do now? Now rebuild the Time Wand, it's absolutely priceless! Stop that dinosaur! It's gone in the lift, its gone in the lift! Get it back, get it back! Get it back Ooh, that coconut milk felt great Oh, I'm such a wreck Mmmm ooohhhh aahhh, oh, that's great.
Ohh, there's a certain roughness about your touch that really hits the spot! The Hole, sir