Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Back to Earth, Part 2

Red Dwarf 9x02 Back to Earth Part Two mail any suggestions/corrections to: agnesa.
keltosova@centrum.
sk No way this will work I will probably end up in your head.
Or someone else's legs.
Something always goes wrong.
I'm not building my hopes up.
And we begin.
Have you found any dirt on her yet? -Her character is flawless, sir.
-Damn! And if her character is flawless, that means -I know.
I'll have to frame her.
-No, sir! I mean Is working.
Now if calculation's correct, portal should open now.
It's working! Something is not right.
It's saying we don't exist.
How can this be possible? Taking us to nearest valid reality.
Makes no sense.
-What size is this? -This baby is 50 inches of full crotch throbbing pixel power.
-I like it.
-Too big, Is anything for the bedroom? -I don't know how much long I - It's crazy.
-What about this one? -I don't know how much longer.
.
Yes, something is real.
Send Rimmer to first see it's safe.
-What? -Wait! I said waaaaaaait! -What was that? -Did you hear something smash? -On TV.
I don't know how much longer (???) -Was it HTV? (???) -Yes, a submersion of HTV.
(???) -Where are we, Kryten? -Well, according to the Psi-scan, sir, we're in a department store in London -in the early part of the 21st century.
-Early part of the 21st Isn't that when all the banks went belly up and money became useless? I've read about that in history.
What a sound system, eh? Sounds like you're in the room, with them.
-Red Dwarf.
There's a new series? I don't really follow it myself.
Science-fiction.
It's a little bit bollocks really, isn't it? That Psi-scan thing.
Knows everything, doesn't it? Any bit of exposition, just ask the Psi-scan.
How can it know everything? Talk about rubbish.
-Who's he, crack? Well, according to the Psi-scan, sir, he's a pompous know-all know-nothing idiot called Mike Mellington.
-Coincidentally has a very small penis.
-How does a Psi-scan know that? -Well it scanned his e-mail, sir.
He's already onto his 4th tub of penis enlargement cream.
Hey buds, the photo's closed.
We can't get back! What do you mean get back? We are back! This is it.
This is home! And we got rid of Kremlin Kate, let's crack open the vodka.
-Is it me or is everyone staring? Also, they all seem to be in smirk mode, sir.
They're just laughing at your face, Kryten.
Nothing to worry about.
Back in the 21st century, they laughed at freaks all the time.
They used to have TV shows on saturday night, where they gathered all the freaks, make them sing and dance, then point and laugh at them.
Simple people, simple tastes.
Hey, Hey! What are these things? They're digital versatile discs, sir.
DVDs for short.
They were very popular at the beginning of 21st century, before they died out and were replaced by what we use now.
-Well, you mean videos.
-Precisely.
Back then no one knew, that the human race were utterly incapable of putting the DVDs back in their cases.
You can see the point.
Over two trillion went missing in just over 20 years.
Videos are just too big to lose.
Sirs, look! Red Dwarf! This is us! It's a TV series about us.
It recounts all our adventures.
Every single one of them.
How's this possible? Wait, we're characters from a TV series who somehow escaped the TV well into the real world.
That explains why the dimension cutter said our reality wasn't valid.
I'm not real! I'm a character in a TV series.
I'm not real? That explains so much I'm not real either? Does that mean I'm not really this good looking? Just typical of my luck, isn't it.
Just when things start to right it turns out that I'm I'm not real.
Fantastic! But now, sirs.
We need clear heads and equinimity.
Naturally, it's extremely disturbing to discover that we are just characters in a TV series.
And naturally there's going to be a period of climatisation.
But it's essential But it's essential that we keep all this in perspective.
We're not real! What are we gonna do? There! I think that's pretty much put in perspective, don't you think? This is too weird for words.
Hey guys, look at this! Back to Earth.
That's the story we're in now.
He's right, look! There's no disc in it.
Coming soon, it's not out yet.
Back to Earth.
Takes place after series X.
Kochanski's dead and the crew are held through a portal to discover they're just characters in a TV series.
Knowing they will die in the final episode -Die? the dwarfs in a best Blade Runner tradition track down their creators to plead for more life.
How are we gonna do that? Easy! Hey buds, give us more life, I'm pleading with you! See? First the crew attempt to track down the actors that play them in the series and their metaphysical odyssey begins.
All my life I wanted to go on a metaphysical odyssey! For years! I never thought I'd get the chance! -So what happens next? -It says it's a three-parter.
No, not a three-parter! I hate three-parters! What if I'm not in that night? Saying I'm busy.
What if? Oh, tell you what.
Toilets here are medieval.
-Bet you felt right at home.
There's no toilet paper.
They don't use it in these days.
-Like I said, they were simple people.
-They eat spam.
-I mean there I am - in the cubicle, no paper wondering what to do.
I open the door and see this machine on the wall which blows out hot air.
Then a twig! -Tell you what, they got a different system here.
-Different system? Yeah, well, you gotta wash yourself in the sinks.
And use the air machine to dry your bum.
-And that's what you did? -No choice.
And those air machines are really hot.
It's like you're holding your cheeks apart, jumping up and down trying to catch a breeze.
I'll tell you something, they're not friendly around here.
Trying to start a conversation - not once, no.
Where's Cat and Kryten? They went to get some money.
Haven't got to be between us.
Money? How they're gonna get money? Some second hand shop.
Kryten's gonna try and pone(?) his head.
-And what about seeing? He can use his spare set of eyes.
Hanging out of his neckhole.
Well that's a good look, isn't it? That's not gonna stand out at all! -Hey! -Any luck? They thought we were from a hidden camera show, sir! and wouldn't take us seriously.
We even offered to throw in one of his legs.
Still no deal.
How are we gonna trace our creators? We ain't got no wheels, ain't got no do.
Money.
I know how we can get money.
How much we got? We've got 15 combs, 2 mobile phones, and 19 pieces of popcorn.
I'm expecting to pull out Glenn Miller or Shurgar(?) anytime.
-What about the money? So far we got 19 pounds and 43 pence.
-Now what? Well, according to this, we get on the tube and we go to a science fiction club called They walk among us.
This is too weird for words.
Hey buds, check this! Look, that's me! Look at that! And that! -Listening to music? -No.
Why? I was just wondering if you could help us.
We're trying to find the guys involved in the making of the TV series called Red Dwarf.
We're trying to find out if our show, well, this is weird - we're not the actors.
We're the real characters.
There was this kinda dimension thing.
.
Dimension skid, was it? Happens a lot this time of year.
One minute you're fine, the next you're in a new dimension.
Gotta be so careful.
Thank god for that.
He's insane.
So you have to have the cast info? We need some advice.
I can't give you any numbers, but I know a man who can.
El presidente of the Red Dwarf Fanclub.
There's nothing that guy doesn't know about the small rouge one.
We've got a fan club? You've just got taken over.
Bit of a fanatic.
Changes his name to Red Dwarf.
People have to call him Mr.
Warf.
His sitting room looks just like your sleeping quarters.
Got an H tattooed on his head.
It's not like us, he's a bit weird.
Redge, dude.
It's N here.
Sorry to interrupt the Warhammer, mate.
Guess who I've got standing in my shop.
Go on, guess! No! No! No! No! Oh? No! No! Should I tell you? No.
No.
Should I tell you? I'm gonna tell you anyway.
I've got standing in my shop the real actual crew from Red Dwarf.
Had a bit of a dimension skid.
Yeah, that's what I said.
Well, they're trying to find out how many shows they've got left.
Exactly.
Need some numbers, know you've got 'em.
What? Why? Can't give out cast info.
Space code directive 596.
Love it, when he does this and gets it all wrong.
decency in zero gravity will lose all banana privileges No, Sir.
The crew's files are for the captain only.
So we're smegged.
-What's that? -That's Dave Lister's bath from season IX.
Best season ever if you ask me.
Awesome season.
Best by miles.
You were in that, remember, when Kryten ran in and told you that Kochanski had been sucked out of an air lock.
Fish scale? Not fish! Could be a bit of poppadom.
Who doesn't need a curry in the bath? Maybe it's artificial snake scale from the one Polymorph turned into.
Kryten? It's got a licence number and a props maker's name - Swallow.
I've seen that name here.
Hey, here it is.
Swallow & Cast, waiting for taxis fan convention 2009 Kryten, scan the photo and beam it onto that TV.
Uncrop.
Wait, what's that? -Frame left.
That card.
Zoom in.
-Swallow.
Pick up.
3 o'clock.
Must be his taxi.
Bet the address is on the other side.
Pull out.
Stop.
Wait.
I've got an idea.
Track in.
Stop.
Enhance reflection.
Need another reflective surface to get back across the street.
Zoom in.
Pan right.
See if there are any waterdrops on that lamp post.
Got one.
Thanks, fighto.
Zoom 80.
Enhance reflection.
Stop.
Rotate 170 -Zoom 220.
-What's that? Flop.
That's the taxi driver.
There's the business card.
Zoom 260.
Rotate 90 degrees.
Track in! Swallow's business address.
Oh sir, wouldn't it have been quicker to look him up in the phonebook? Print me a 4 by 6 and any more remarks like that I'll ask for an A3 out of your waste disposal.
Makes latex masks for the film and TV industry.
Specializing in noses.
Maybe if we track him down he'll point us in the right direction.
But sir, how are we gonna get there? That's over 30 miles away.
-I know.
Hollyhop drive.
-Back on Red Dwarf.
-Metapuddle.
-Back on Red Dwarf.
Time slides, when you walk into a photograph and -Back on Red Dwarf.
-Got it! Beam there! -That's Star Trek, not us! We don't do that, sir.
All right, if you've got no teleportation systems or any material reassemblers, no option's left - you have to catch the bus.
Neurotic? I'm not neurotic! I've never been neurotic! Neurotic? Neurotic? Are they insane? Who writes this stuff? I wasn't even neurotic when I was a kid.
Didn't have time, I was too busy washing my hands Hilarious.
In what way am I hilarious? Name one way in which I'm hilarious.
Just one, one way.
Well you're pompous without reason, sir, and you have hilariously unrealistic life goals.
Well, I'm lord of the star fleet, Kryten and you'll pay for that remark.
Four for Blabla Street, bla bla please.
Hilariously unrealistic life goals.
That's true.
That's so true.
That's funny.
Where's first class? It's all first class, mate! Excellent! Looking forward to the complimenatary champagne and little towels.
Look, let's split up, so we don't look conspicuous, yeah? The actress who plays her.
Of course.
She's alive in this dimension, isn't she? -You are Dave Lister, aren't you? -Yeah.
How do you know? We watch you with dad on Dave.
Dave? A TV channel.
What's it like, having a whole TV channel named after you? -You're pretty cool.
Cool? -You don't take any smeg, that's cool.
-And even though you're disgusting, sometimes you're quite brave.
Are you sad about Kochanski? We were sad too.
So is dad.
Then we worked it out.
What? What out? She is not really dead.
Kryten was the only one to see her die, right? See her get sucked out the air lock.
-But she didn't.
-She didn't? -Kryten made it up.
-Why would he do that? -You were a mess, falling apart.
-Drinking, being deaf(?).
-She couldn't bear to stand and watch you die.
And you wouldn't listen.
So she took the blue midget and acted it.
Why would Kryten lie to me? She was only trying to save your feelings.
So you wouldn't feel like a big fat loser.
You've been dumped.
I was dumped once.
It was really horrible.
Dumped? But that would mean, that would mean she was still alive.
She is still alive, I bet you! She's really good at guessing stuff.
That DVD - Titanic she knew that ship would sink right from the start.
She could tell.
Even in that bible film.
She said: Jesus - he's not dead.
I bet ya.
In next series, try and find her! -Get her back.
-Kiss her! I know I would.
There isn't gonna be a next series.
I'm a fictional character.
I don't exist.
-I think you exist.
-And I do too.
Hey, our stop! Just smeg it! You think you outsmart me, yes? But you don't.
I here.
Cut a second hole.
Science officer.
Excellent.
So pleased you've caught up with us.
You gave me slip, I know.
You not want be erased, but you won't defeat me.
I too smart.
Erase me? I thought it was murder to kill a hologram.
No.
Hologram already dead.
Morally, ethically, hologram killing fine.
Fair enough.
Come on.
We haven't got all day.
She didn't see that coming, did she? I did.
Man, this is too weird for words.
Nose world.
Here it is.
Maker of latex masks for TV industry specializing in noses.
I didn't know I could read chinese.
You really think this guy will be able to help? He worked on a TV show, we're all fictional characters and he's got to know the address of our creator What if he doesn't? Well, at least we're here to pick up a spare nose.
Hey! That's my coat! Give me that! Where'd you get my coat? I get from Red Dwarf costume department.
End of series night.
I stole many things, sell on eBay.
I even stole a car, from Red Dwarf fan club president.
Why are you here? Illogical.
You should be inside TV.
Questions need answers.
How many episodes have we got left? Is it true we're going to die? I don't know that stuff.
I just do noses.
-Latex.
-Who does know? Big boss.
He know everything.
He pick your nose, he pick your brain.
He pick your brain too.
It was a Friday.
How do we get to see him? I know man who know where.
He know where boss.
He know address.
So cold! You said before you stole a car.
Red Dwarf fan club president car.
You want to borrow? All legal.
You can't be serious.
We're not driving this! Sirs, we'll be a laughing stock.
Well, beggers can't be choosers.