Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Dear Dave

Ah! Morning, sir.
Ohh! I just love the hum of the air con first thing in the morning.
Don't you, sir? Makes you just want to leap out of bed and mop! - Morning, Krytes.
- Oh, something wrong, sir? Something getting you down? Is it that you're the last human being alive with no life, no family, no future, no prospects, no hope, is it Is it something to do with that, sir? Somethin' to do with that, Kryten, yeah.
You're missing the human race again, aren't you, sir? Really missing 'em today, Krytes.
I just can't believe it's all over.
I've been lookin' at some old pictures of them, remind me of the old days.
Look, there's a picture of them going to work.
Oh.
Commuters, mmm.
There's another one.
Look.
- They're all laughing.
- Oh! New Years, Titan.
We were so happy back then, Kryt.
I had a species, I thought the two of us'd be together for ever.
Well, it may sound ridiculous now, sir, but one day, I'm sure you'll meet another species that'll make you just as happy.
No, I won't! No species'll make me happy like the human race.
I'll never find another species like them.
They were They were special.
Sir, all I'm saying is there are other species out there, and given time, who knows? You never liked the human race, did you? Quite honestly, sir, I never thought they were good enough for you.
I never thought they were very nice to you, sir.
Quite frankly, sir, I think you could do better.
- What, better than the human race? - Mmm.
It may sound harsh, but you've just got to get them out of your mind and get on with your life.
Yeah, but everywhere I look reminds me of 'em.
A couple of beers later on today, sir.
That'll take your mind off it.
The human race invented beer.
They were brilliant at inventin'.
They invented sofas and blankets and mops and floors and buckets.
I just miss them so much.
A change of scenery, sir, that's what you need.
Why don't you get out and stretch your legs? The human race had legs.
I just can't get away from them.
Everywhere I look, it reminds me of them.
Nothing compares to them.
Nothing compares Nothing compares to them.
I knew they'd break his heart.
Oh! Human race - here one minute, gone the next.
Fly-by-night flibbertigibbets! Life.
What's it all about, then? Why are we all here? Why am I here? What's the point of everything? 'I don't know, Dave.
'White coffee, six sugars and a caramel crisp bar coming right up!' Haven't you ever thought about it? 'Not really, no.
I'm a vending machine.
'Are you OK? 'You don't seem your usual self today, 'asking intelligent questions, being philosophical.
' How d'you know what my usual self is like? 'I watch you.
'Through the crack in your door.
'The things you do when you're alone are so funny!' I've gotta get going.
'See you next time! 'And if you want to talk things through about life and stuff, drop by any time.
'Oh, except Thursday morning.
I might be out.
'Just kidding! 'I'll be here!' 'For ever!' Subbuteo tournament this weekend, Kryten.
Not going out in the quarterfinals three years in a row.
Just putting the boys through their paces.
The flabsters don't know what's hit them.
Er, an e-post from the JMC on-board computer, sir.
Oh, yes? What do they want? They've had a significant amount of letters over the years from high-ranking members of the JMC, sir, proposing you to be awarded the Golden Stripe Of Honour for your years of distinguished service.
Gosh.
Really? They say they've been told you're a modest man who doesn't seek the limelight, for your only concern is performing your duties.
I'm lost for words.
Such kindness.
Due to the number of these letters of recommendation, they have absolutely no option but to request you stop writing them.
Oh, bollocking damn and jumbo buggers! They go on to say, in dealing with this matter, they've looked into your actual service record and have realised that you haven't reported for duty in over three million years.
But I've been dead for most of that! You are therefore being charged with gross dereliction of duty and you have 24 hours to present your rebuttal.
What?! If they find you guilty, sir, you'll be demoted to third technician.
The same as Lister? There'll be no-one but you to obey my orders.
What am I gonna do? Help me.
That's an order.
Oh, please, sir! Don't order me to help you.
You know how much I hate helping you! Kryten! Very well, sir.
Perhaps you could get a note from the medicomputer explaining you're unfit for duty.
Post-traumatic stress or something.
I haven't been the same since the crew got wiped out - need a note, post-dated.
Too unwell to attend myself.
Off you go.
On my way, sir.
Ahh, you! Still moping around in your mopey clothes, listening to your mopey music, being all mopey? - If you want my opinion - Which I don't.
.
.
it's time you manned up.
Listened to some brass band music.
Went for a bracing hike in the diesel decks.
Given the options, I'll continue being suicidal, if it's all the same to you.
And don't think this pity party's going unnoticed.
I've noticed it.
And I've written it down in a special report.
And let me tell you, m'laddo, I pull no punches.
Who's gonna read this special report? Well, me.
And maybe othersone day.
And they'll read, "You are the star of your own mopeathon.
"You can't even be bothered to get yourself a cup of tea any more.
"You dunk your biscuits in the fish tank.
" I've seen you.
I was watching TV! As long as it's wet and melty, you don't care where you stick it.
Look, Rimmer, I'm depressed, man.
Give me a break.
And besides, I'm a careful dunker now.
Look left, look right, mirror, signal, dunk.
It's time you stopped feeling sorry for yourself, Lister.
Every problem has an answer.
Problem - your species is dead.
Answer - make some more.
And how am I gonna do that? Well, you've gotta prepare yourself, haven't you? Like a fighter pilot waiting to scramble.
If the perfect woman walked through that door right now - and by perfect, I mean any female with working ovaries - you wouldn't have a clue.
Perfect woman walked through that door, I would be ready to scramble.
What, you think your old moves would still work today? You think that snaky, sneaky, arm-round-the-shoulder trick in a dark cinema is still cool? Women today would die laughing at that move.
That was my best move.
I had a lot of success with that move.
Women have moved on from that move.
Moves don't move on.
Moves move on.
What, moves move?! Right, here's a Jacobean move.
A Jaca-what? Oh, my lady! Thy beauty doth radiate across the Earth, like a raging forest fire consuming everything in its path, and reduces grown men to babbling fools.
Do you think that move would work today? Not a chance - dead move.
The cloak across the puddle - dead move.
Strumming a mandolin under the balcony - dead move.
How d'you know all this, Rimmer? You know nothin' about women.
You know nothin' about nothin'.
Remember that documentary we watched about breasts? You thought "areolas" was a Spanish goalkeeper? Well, what was he, Italian? It's not important.
Look, you've either got it or you ain't, and I've got it.
I'm gonna make meself a cup of coffee.
Right, abusing the furniture.
It's all going down.
Oh, thanks, 23.
I really needed a lift.
'No problem, David.
'How was zat soup I made you yesterday?' It was, erpretty delicious, actually.
'Ah, bon! - 'I'm glad you enjoyed eet.
' - Yeah, it was really nice.
'Magnifique!' So, umyou look different.
Have you changed something? New facade? Really suits you.
You look, ershinier.
'No, same facade as always.
' Could've sworn it's different.
- Maybe it's the light.
- 'Oui, maybe.
' Oh, it's good coffee, this.
Great coffee.
Some amazing coffee.
I've always said to the others, you know, if you want a good cup of coffee, go to dispenser 23 - she makes the best coffee.
- 'Are you 'itting on me?' - What? No! 'I'm a vending machine - why are you trying to 'it on me?' - I'm not trying to hit on you.
- 'You so are.
' No, I'm not! I'm really not.
You just make good coffee, that's all.
'"New facade, you look shinier" - zat was a move.
' - It was not a move! - 'It so was a move.
'You were putting a move on me.
' You're getting the wrong end of the stick.
It was not a move, now please! 'Why are you 'itting on a dispensing machine? Who does zat?' - I'm not! I mean - Is everything OK, sir? 'You know what he just tried to do? He was 'itting on me.
' Hithitting on her! I mean of course I wasn't hitting on her - she's a vending machine! Why would I hit on a vending machine? I-I'm sure there's been some misunderstanding here.
He put his hand on my logo.
What? When? Look, I was leaning, it was a total accident! 'Oh, leaning and you just happened to place your hand exactly on my logo.
'"Oops, sorry, didn't notice it," he said, as he gently grazed my logo.
' Unbelievable! This is gonna go in the report.
What news of my sabbatical? I'm afraid it's not good, sir.
The medicom said no? It's never liked me.
It's happy to give you a note if you have a genuine reason for time off, otherwise there's nothing doing.
Although I got the impression a charitable donation to the medical fund might not go unnoticed.
Hmm.
A little bribe.
Not a bribe, sir - a donation.
A big donation.
Mm! Where you gonna get major moolah like that? Expenditure cuts, sir, from the supplies budget.
I've been looking at the ship's inventory for potential savings, and it seems to me, for a ship this size, with this many toilet-active crew members Toilet-active crew members? .
.
there's an astonishing amount of toilet paper in the 2,143 restrooms going to waste.
You what?! Toilet paper that never goes into action, never sees the field of battle.
- Return the toilet paper! - Hang on.
Make the majority of the restrooms paper-free.
I-I need that toilet paper! Every sheet! I've got a diet that's rich in fibre, curry and beer.
The savings would be insane.
We can get a reimbursement from Supplies and transfer that to the medical fund.
As far as the supply budget is concerned, we're just moving money around.
It's totally above board.
I'll get on it right away.
- Great plan.
- Lousy plan! Buds, I've got a question for you.
What's the best way to break bad news? Well, generally speaking, sir, you tell the people to sit down and warn them that you've got bad news.
And what kind of face you got on? A serious face, sir.
Kindly but serious.
Huh! Kindly but serious.
That's what I thought! I knew that! Thanks, bud! Buds, best you sit down.
I've got some bad news.
Whoa, what is it? What's happened? Is this about me? It's about me, isn't it? I'm being replaced again, aren't I, sir? Everyone's sitting down, then you say, - "Listen, I've got bad news," right? - That's correct, sir.
OK, here comes the bad news.
But I'm gonna do it as char-aydes! Char-aydes? He means "char-ahdes", sir.
You know how much fun there is round here? None! It's too good an opportunity to miss.
OK, here we go.
Remember, really bad news.
Two words.
Whole thing.
Ho-hole.
Er, black hole, we're being sucked into a black hole.
Er chameleonic mutants.
Er, er, er, brain-eating chameleonic mutants on board.
- A giant death worm! - Something's happened to Kochanski.
She's got a rogue virus.
Rimmer's got a rogue virus.
I've got a rogue virus? - Explosion? - Zombies, zombies! I'm being replaced, aren't I, sir? No-one likes me.
People have complained - about the shape of my head.
- Strangling A giant death worm.
Giant death worm heading straight for us Crash, something's crashed.
Heading straight for us.
I'm being demoted.
A woman! A woman's coming.
- A woman.
Shorter.
- Small woman.
Small.
Male, man.
- Male.
- Post! Mail pod! Mail pod! The mail pod's arrived! Brilliant, the mail pod's arrived! And something's happened to it.
It's crashed.
The mail pod's crashed.
- It exploded.
- It turned into a giant death worm.
It's turned into a jacket.
- A giant death worm's come out of it.
This is nothing to do with a giant death worm! Where were you getting that from?! Oh! Your clothesyour clothes were on aon a washing line and a mail pod came in and crashed into your clothes! Got it in one! Your clothes are hanging on the line, and the mail pod crashed into them? How's that two words? Cos when it happened, I said, "Oh, man!" You know, if I had a giant death worm right now, I'd stick it right down your stupid throat! Hey, the mail's arrived! Lighten up - mail from Earth! Death worm?! Two words! That's the last one, sirs.
We must have sifted through about 1,000 letters now.
One letter from home, that's all I'm asking - just one lousy, stinking letter.
Look, 50 big ones says the first letter's mine.
Why is everything a competition with you? Why can't we just sit here and sort the mail like two mature adults instead of behaving like two schoolboys who have to bet on everything? Oh, yes, I've got one! Arnold Rimmer! The man, the myth, the legend! Rimmsy, Rimmsy! Mr Popular with a capital P, there's no stopping him, here he goes! Who's it from? It's a parking fine.
Still good.
Still a letter - something to read addressed to me.
Is it? Can it be? It can't be.
Oh, but it is! This boy does not know the meaning of the word "defeat"! Go on, then, who's it from? Hayley Summers? My God, Hayley Summers! Hayley Summers! I'm guessing it's from Hayley Summers? I used to go out with Hayley Summers.
It's when I was trying to be a rock god.
What I lacked technically I made up for in loudness.
I mean, when I played, people had ringing in their ears.
How long for? It didn't go away.
Once they had it, they had it for good.
That's how loud I was.
So where did you meet her, then? At a gig? She worked in the bank where I had my overdraft.
We got talking, and badda-boom, badda-bish, badda-baa.
And, um, she dumped you, right? No, she didn't dump me, actually, Rimmer.
She got offered a dream job on Callisto, couldn't turn it down.
The only girl I ever cared about who didn't dump me, actually.
The time we had together was brilliant, man.
We'd stay home all day Saturday, watch zero-gee, eat curry in bed.
The first person I ever heard say, "The real McCoy".
"That's the real McCoy," she'd say.
"This is the real McCoy.
That curry is the real McCoy.
" And she squidged up her nose, like that, when she was telling a story.
No, no, it was really cute.
And did you used to tell your friends about the real McCoy and the squidgy nose thing? And did you find your friends were suddenly emigrating or pretending to be dead? Still smells of her perfume.
Look, II don't wanna read this.
It'll make me miss home more than ever.
I'll read it.
"Dear Dave, I hope you don't mind me writing to you, - "but I've got a confession.
" - Confession? Bet she was a man.
Well, you said yourself she liked zero-gee and curries.
Bet you she was a man.
Did she have big feet? When you did the foxtrot, did you ever wonder why she was shaving? Just-just tell me the confession.
- Oh, wow.
- What? - No way! - What?! I don't know whether to laugh or laugh.
"Dave, I don't know how to tell you this, "but I'm pregnant.
"Seven weeks, according to the doctor.
" Pregnant? Hang on, my head's on spin cycle here.
Are you saying that I'm three million years into deep space and she's pregnant with my baby?! Well, put it this way - you're in the finals.
Finals? What d'you mean? Who's the other finalist? Who am I playing? Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah "I don't know whether it's yours or Roy's.
"Thought you should know.
" Roy? Ah, not Roy?! Not Roy Roy! D'you mean she was sleeping with Roy? Who's the dad, me or him? She doesn't know, she's going for a DNA test.
She must've written another letter to tell me the result.
You've gotta help me find it, we need to find it.
Yellow envelope.
Yellow envelope! Hi, 34.
Just having a break.
Coffee, please.
'Oh, you want something from me now, do you?' Yeah, coffee.
'Don't play dumb, Dave.
I heard what happened.
' - Happened? - 'With dispensing machine 23.
'You didn't think I'd find out, did you?' - What?! - 'All those drinks 'and chocolate bars you were getting off me, and at the same time, 'you were drinking her drinks and snaffling up her choccy bars, too, weren't you? 'Weren't you?!' She was just nearer.
'She's such a trashy-looking machine.
'Is that what you like, Dave? Trashy?' You all look identical! - 'Ohh!' - Look, can I please just get a coffee? - 'I'm out of coffee.
' - I'll have a tea.
'No tea.
' Milkshake? 'Let me just check.
'Sorry, no milkshakes either.
' Look, I'll go somewhere else, then.
You're not the only dispenser on board.
'Why don't you do that? I think it might be best all round.
' Well, I will.
- 'Good.
' - Fine.
- 'Suits me.
' - Right, I'm off.
'Not missing you already.
' Coincidentally, no big deal, but know your tea - it's a bit watery.
And you know when I said that your Mexican red-hot chilli crisps were really spicy? Well, I was lying.
- 'I can't believe you said that!' - Well, I did.
'Ohh!' How did it go with the medicomputer? Well, it took the donation, sir.
And what did we get? A thank you.
Is that it? I think it does this all the time, sir - misleads unsuspecting bribers to get them to give money to the medical fund.
That's outrageous! Has it got no morals at all? It repeated that the only way it could give you an absence from duty note was if you are unwell or you'd taken a sabbatical to care for an unwell member of the crew.
Lister! Post-traumatic stress.
Missing the human race, dunking biscuits in the fish tank, totally off the rails.
Well, most of that could be dismissed as eccentricity rather than illness, sir.
If you're going to use Mr Lister in your defence, I fear you need something more.
Hmm.
One act of saliva-dripping, mouth-foaming insanity by midnight tonight.
Shouldn't be too hard.
Hey, bud.
Alphabet Head told me what happened.
Come to check you out.
So, who is this Roy dude? He used to work with her in the bank.
He was always using the finger-wetting machine to count the money.
Real creep.
Could I give you a bit of advice? Don't think about them together.
- Just move on.
- Right.
Keep all those "them together" thoughts right out of your head.
Yeah, right.
All the walking in the park, kissing raindrops off her nose stuff - don't think about any of that.
I used to love her nose.
She used to squidge it up when she told stories.
And don't be tempted to wonder if she squidged up her nose for him in that really cute way she used to squidge up her nose for you, cos the chances are, she did.
- You reckon? - And another thing.
Don't start thinking about all those late-night shifts she was always doing, because if it was me, I'd be thinking, like, "Hey! "Banks all close at five.
" Yeah, she was always doing late-night shifts.
You know, supervising the delivery of the unstealable pens.
Or staying behind to help update the bank queue waiting-pole rope.
Or accidentally locking herself in the vault for the whole weekend.
She used to always do that.
Hey, you don't think she was with this Roy guy? The whole damn time.
- It never even occurred to me.
- But the key is, don't think about it.
I'm not thinking about it.
- Think of something else.
- I'm thinking of something else! Good! Cos if you start thinking about all those hours you were sitting at home, killing time, while she was probably on all fours, covered in money .
.
while his finger-wetting machine was working overtime .
.
it'll drive you crazy! Now, you get a picture like that in your head, it's real hard to get rid of.
What you doing? What d'you think I'm doing? I told you not to think about it! I'm thinking about it now! That's unbelievable! You've not listened to a word I've said.
Still nothing, sir? You know, I'm starting to think she never even wrote a second letter.
Oh, sir, I know this has stirred things up a bit, but I really believe you've got to live in the present.
You've got new friends now.
True, they may not be human, and some of them are annoying and stupid and petty and maybe even insane, but that doesn't mean they're any less precious.
You've got to forget about the past and look after the present.
Hiya.
'Oh, it's you.
'This is awkward.
' Look, I'm sorry about before.
I just wanna know if there's any way I can make it up to you.
- 'Really?' - Yep.
'Oh, Dave! 'I don't know why we fight like this.
'We're so silly! So what's it to be, then? New paint job, new nozzle housings? How about a restock? - 'Anything?' - Anythin'.
You name it.
'Well, if I could have anything, absolutely anything, 'I've always wanted 'to see around the corner.
' What, down there round the corner? 'Oh, I know it's crazy, 'but it's always been a wild dream of mine.
'I've heard stories, but to actually see it myself 'I can't believe I'm actually going! - 'Isn't this romantic?' - Well don't build your hopes up too much.
It might not be as great as you think.
Da-daaaan! - Well? - 'Oh! Ohhh! 'It's everything I thought it was and more.
'Oh! Oh, Dave.
'Maybe we could stay here.
'You and me.
'I know it'scrazy, 'but we could settle down here.
'Hm? Start a new life! 'Oh, put me back there by the wall.
'Oh! - 'Oh, Dave!' - Smeg, sorry! 'I knew you'd come round, you naughty boy! 'Rrrrar!' I'll get you up.
'Oh! Dave! 'Dave! Naughty boy! 'Wow! 'I have never seen a ceiling.
' Rimmsy, Rimmsy, Rimmsy! Oh, yes! CCTV! Sabbatical note, here we come! What would you have me do with these, sir? Ohh.
What did I tell you, sir? I knew you'd find another species to settle down with! I'm just tryin' to pick her up.
Looks like you're well past that stage to me, sir.
Damn paper! There's gotta be some somewhere.
Ahh! Ooh! Guhh! Damn near walked three miles! Hey Uhhh! Hee-hee-hee-hee! Oh! That's every letter checked, sir.
It wasn't there.
Oh, well.
Thanks, Krytes.
Never mind, third technician! Three decks, not one single roll! Hey, that's mine.
The hell it is.
I found it.
I need it.
- Give it here! - I need to wipe! You see what you guys have done to us? This is madness! Madness! That's my special report! It won't be special in a minute.
I've realised now this might be it.
This might be the answer as to why I feel so empty.
I mean, if she had my kids, that means my kids might have had kids.
There might be hundreds of generations spawned by me.
I might have had a daughter who was a doctor or a great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-grandson who was a zero-gee football star.
No matter what happens to me now, I feel like I've contributed.
I am someone.
Man, I hope it's mine, because I know, with her as a mother, they would have been the best kids they could possibly be, cos I mean, she was a wonderful woman, and I'm sure she'd have been an even more wonderful mother.
Wish me luck.
What an absolute slag.