Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - The Beginning

BELL RINGS MAN: Next up, an experiment to measure peer pressure.
How much is the individual influenced by the group? Seeing as Arnold Rimmer's late, the subject of this experiment can be him.
When he finally does us the honour of turning up, I shall ask you a set of questions and want you to answer accordingly.
First day of term and I'm late! So embarrassing.
He'll kill me.
Ahh! Mr Rimmer! I hope we haven't inconvenienced you too much by starting on time.
Sorry, Father.
I'm "Father" outside college.
Inside college, I'm "sir" or "Lecturer Rimmer", understand? Yes, Father.
I mean, sir.
So embarrassing.
We're just about to run through a few questions as part of psy profiling.
OK, take a look at this colour.
Is it purple, blue or green? Hands up, purple.
Hands up, blue.
Green.
A fallopian tube is a musical instrument.
True or false? True? What's the answer to this piece of arithmetic? ALARM BLARES SNORES WEAPON COCKS You kills my brother.
Hm? Oh, you got the wrong quarters, bud.
You want Lister.
That's two floors down, second on the right, fourth on the left.
Night! You kills my brother.
One floor down, sir.
Elevator at the end of the hallway.
You kills my brother.
Oh, smeg off, Rimmer.
I'm tryin' to sleep, man.
WEAPON FIRES COUGHS You kills my brother.
No, I didn't.
Oh, yes, you did! No, I smeggin' didn't! I are here to challenge theys who kills my brother to a duel to the ungonising death.
I will give you five of your Earth minutes and then I will pursue you across space unto the end of time itself.
I will not rest until you are chokin' on your own warm blood.
Sounds fair to me.
Butt out, Rimmer.
Don't encourage him.
Do you accept the challenge, humo, a duel across time and space? No! Why? Hogey, you are always doing this - picking fights and then challenging us to duels across time and space.
No, I not.
Yes, you are.
No, I not.
Yes, you smeggin' are! You rogue droids are obsessed with duels across time and space.
You eesult my kind, saying we are obsessed with duels across time and space.
I therefore challenge you to a duel across time and space.
I will give you five of your No duels across time and space.
Why?! Look, at first, it was fun, it distracted us from being stuck in deep space, noway of getting back home.
But we're all duelled out - our duelling days are over.
Duellos annonos.
Oh, please! No! I will give you a leetle start.
No! But we are in deep space.
It's light years from anywhere.
There be nothing else to do.
You think I don't know that? So, how we going to keep from going crazy? For you, my friend, it's way too late.
How about a ping-pong marathon? Get a few buddies together.
Rogue nutters versus the Dwarfers.
We already do that.
You guys, you always win.
Crazy golf, then, the botanical gardens.
We'll give you a shot a hole.
Oh, yeah, like we stand a chance.
What's wrong with that?! You be knowing all the burrows, how to get in and out the little windmills.
What else? All right, tell you what.
A cooking contest.
Who can bake the most delicious cake - we'll thrash you.
Not if it a choux pastry, you won't.
Ooh, choux pastry.
Big words, my demented friend.
What are we playing for? If I win LISTER: Oh BOTH: .
.
a duel across time and space.
But if you win, a great treasure, the likes of which you have never seen.
A piece of old cloth?! No, thanks, we've already got one.
Hey, it's a map.
A map the likes of which you have never seen.
Everything's the likes of which you've never seen with him.
Do you doubt me? I'm just sayin', you'd be surprised the likes of which we have seen.
Don't be so quick to say everything's the likes of which we haven't seen.
We've seen things the likes of which you probably haven't seen yourself.
Is that a challenge? BOTH: No duels! The map, it show everything in this galaxy - every wormhole, every derelict, every planet.
Where d'you get this? I steal from a Simulant Death Ship.
Hm, you don't want to mess with those guys.
They're deranged.
Once you cross them, they hunt you down.
Not me.
I steal while they slumber.
I clever as a hedgehog.
Look out! ALARM BLARES AIR WHOOSHES The hull's cracked! Sorry to intrude, sir.
Is now a good time to clean your quarters? Certainly looks like it could do with a good tidy.
Oh! Sorry, sir, I didn't realise you had company.
I'll rework my schedule.
Sorry to intrude again, sir.
When is a good time for my lesson on human modes of speech? Oh, now's an excellent time, Kryten.
Come in, take a seat.
Oh, what fun, sir! That's sarcasm, right? You see? I am getting the hang of it! There's a ship outside! They're attacking us! He's sealed the crack.
We've got to get out of here.
We can't just leave him! Watch me.
What's that? Oh, nothing.
Look, I'll be back.
I don't know how, I don't know when.
You abandon me? Then I have no choice.
I challenge you to a duel Oh, what's the point? ALARM BLARES What the hell's going on? Who's doing this? Kryten, scan the local vicinity for any anomalous energy patterns.
Everything's down, sir.
We're on EPS.
Trying to reboot.
So, let me get this right.
We're being attacked by somethin' but we don't know what, and there's no way of finding out what's out there? I have a suggestion, sirs.
What? How about we look out of the window? Sometimes the old ways are the best ways.
Do it.
What, me, sir? On my own? Of course on your own.
I love solo missions! I'm on my way, sir.
RUMBLING Would you like a written report, sir, or under these circumstances, would a verbal account suffice? Get on with it, man! What's out there? A rogue Simulant Death Ship, sir.
A Death Ship? Yes, sir.
Should we be concerned? Concern would be an entirely appropriate response under these circumstances, sir.
What d'you think they want? Although the Death Ship didn't indicate the exact nature of their business, sir, I'm guessing it's something a bitdeathy.
They must have been tracking Hogey.
Finding us is just a bonus.
Simulants! These are the guys who despise humans, right? The ones who won't rest till they've annihilated every single one.
Correct, sir.
Not me, then.
Excellent! I'll be in the rec room, reading this month's copy of I'm OK! Magazine.
Make no mistake, sir - they will see us all as Mr Lister's lieutenants.
They will show us no mercy.
Death Ships are captained by special berserker generals who've been crossbred to create an insane biomechanical entity of pure evil.
My Dominator, forgive me, I implore you.
The Earth one remains alive.
Forgiveness is a human quality, Chancellor.
It has no meaning to a Simulant general.
You know what you must do.
GULPS GROANS Ooh.
Nuhh.
GROANS Uhh! Ohh! Uh.
Firstly polish my Sword of Spite as a punishment for your idiocy Polish? Yes.
Polish.
As a punishment for your idiocy.
Secondly Just polish? Yes, just polish! Secondly write me a formal letter of apology.
So, you just want me to polish your sword and write a letter? Yes.
Nothing else? Nothing else.
So, you don't want me to, er ooh, I don't know, er, commit hari-kari or anything? Of course not! SQUELCHING DRIPPING Well, sir, that wasn't made very clear.
Er, when you slid the sword across the table, I naturally assumed you wanted me to commit hari-kari.
No, I do not! Oh, I know that now, sir.
Before, though, it was just you know, it was a bit ambiguous.
Er I think a new system is in order.
I'm going to go now, sir.
Er My Dominator, thank you.
Ooh.
Uhh.
Oh, Chancellor.
You do have a tendency to jump to conclusions.
Let this be a little lesson to you.
Oh.
Oh That bit looks important.
CHUCKLES DARKLY Hang on, hang on.
Do you know how to work that? It's got lots of different settings, but yeah.
Thought not.
What the hell just happened? What the hell is this thing? It's a wibbly gun.
It makes things go all .
.
wibblified.
It appears to destabilise the molecular structure of solid objects, sir.
His version was clearer.
Come on.
Cargo bay.
Let's get to Blue Midget and CB3.
BEEPING Rimmer, what is that? It's a holo-lamp, isn't it, sir? It plays holo-messages.
My father gave it to me when I was a boy.
He told me to play it the day I become an officer and join the Space Corps, the day I become a somebody.
So, never been played, right? And it shan't be until I'm an officer.
Come on, let's go! Death Ship and three Annihilators at six o'clock, sirs.
Question.
Can we stay ahead of them? Only if we have enough fuel, sir.
Two, maybe three hours.
Asteroid field 80 clicks west.
Maybe offer some cover.
I'm taking her in.
According to the readouts, quadrant two, vector four.
We can hide in that asteroid.
Take us in! My Dominator, I am afraid the human insurgents have escaped.
Er, they've flown into an asteroid field.
That is totally unacceptable! I agree, My Dominator.
The security forces have been shambolic.
Those responsible should be agonised.
I-I agree also.
And I.
And I.
And I.
And I also.
Oh, I refuse to be surrounded by these toadying sycophants! I agree, My Dominator.
I agree also.
And I.
And I.
And I.
And I also.
I want each member of my council to think for themselves, not just agree with my every word and whim out of some pathetic boot-trembling terror for self-preservation.
Question my judgements! Debate me, yeah? Only then will we be truly strong.
Dominator, that simply isn't true.
I mean, the last person to contradict you was Kill him.
What?! Do you see what I mean? Now, find the ship! Ow It appears they've surrounded the asteroid belt and are sending in probes to locate our position.
It's only a matter of time before they find us.
So, what's our next move? Shall I go slip into something more appropriate, like, say, a coffin? Is that it? We're all going to die? Well, YOU'RE all going to die.
I'm already dead.
I had the sense to get dying out of the way early.
For years, you mocked me.
Not laughing now, are you? Oh, yeah, cos being dead is such an advantage here(!) It is an advantage.
How's it an advantage? I was killed instantly, Lister - painless, quick and stylish.
"What's that coming down the corridor? "Ooh, it looks like a radiation leak.
" Wham, dead.
Not perfect, I'll grant you, but at least it wasn't embarrassing.
Embarrassing? No weeping, getting hysterical.
Not one of those deaths where you lose control of your bodily functions, your bowels clearing all over the place.
At least my death was dignified.
I'd hardly call yelling, "Mummy, Mummy," dignified.
Lister, I didn't yell, "Mummy, Mummy.
" No, you didn't have the time.
You just yelled, "Mu" Please, sirs, this is very bad for morale.
I can't believe you're arguing about who's going to have the best death! I'm only trying to help, give you some advice on how to die nicely.
You want to die twice, keep talking.
Please, sir! He's right.
We're all getting crazy.
We need to chill.
You're right.
We've been in these situations before, we always find a way out.
Like the time that highly corrosive micro-organism almost destroyed Red Dwarf.
The highly corrosive micro-organism, exactly! We got out of that one.
Yeah, thanks to me.
Oh, sir! You cannot claim the credit for that.
It was a total fluke.
Fluke? You think that was an accident, the way I? Ssh! What's that? Something's coming into the asteroid.
It's a probe.
It's approaching half a click east.
Switch out all the lights.
Good thinking! They'll think we're all out.
If things get really tricky, we'll get Kryten to open the airlock and tell 'em we've moved.
It seems to be backing off, sir.
They're coming back.
Look, we've got to get a battleplan - astro-nav space-school stuff.
Rimmer, is that something you could handle? Pardon? Is that something you can handle?! The responsibility of coming up with a battle plan? All that strategy stuff.
Why me? Cos you're into military strategy! If it was a curry-eating competition to the death, it'd be me.
If it was a towel-folding competition to the death That would be me! Phuw, phuw, phuw-phuw-phuw-phuw.
Phuw-phuw-phuw.
Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh.
I'd win that one, sir.
And what kind of competition to the death would it have to be before you chose me? So, moving on Er Can you do it? Yes, of course I can do it.
Obviously.
You don't sound very confident.
I'm very confident.
I've waited my whole life for this moment.
Command of my own ship in a battle against overwhelming odds? It's your moment of destiny.
Right.
I'll just make my way into thesupply room and think of a plan, then.
It'll be just like taking an exam.
I can do this.
Sir, surely there must be an alternative.
If there was, Kryten, we'd be doing it.
ALL: We're smegged.
Any joy, sir? Not yet, no.
I'm still at the "can't think of a plan" stage.
Well, I don't know if this will help, sir, but I've done a ship-wide search and collated all the weapons we have on board ship, sir.
Good, Kryten.
I was just about to suggest that myself.
Two forks and a pencil sharpener?! Now, there is a rumour that there's a stick and some string, sir.
But I don't want to raise false hopes.
There is, of course, Hogey's molly D.
The molecular destabiliser.
Mm.
I'll leave it with you, sir.
Ehh! They're driving me crazy, cooped up in there.
Thought I'd take a break and come in here! Oww! I love the string game! Have you thought of your plan yet? You can't think of anything, can you? I just love the string game! You know why? Because you're an idiotic cat? No.
Why you can't think of a plan, dummy? Because you're driving me crazy, that's why.
Uh-uh.
There's a demon messing up your head.
Yes, you! No.
Your father.
My father's dead.
No way, non-bud.
His worthless, skinny ass lives on inside you, freezing your soul with fear.
How do you know all this? Do you think awesome good looks and rock-hard pecs are my only qualities? I'm a cat.
I sense things.
You gotta nail that demon and kick his sorry ass outta town.
How? The only thing keeping him alive is you.
You're never going to win over that dude's approval.
Give it up! Let it go.
Hey! Look how it's moving! I lo-ove the string game! Stop moving! Anythin'? Nothing.
What you doing? I'm going to play this.
Your father's message? But why, sir? If I play it before I've become the person he wanted me to become, it means I don't care what he thinks any more.
It means I'm free of him.
Arnold, it's me.
If you're playing this message, it means you're an officer in the Space Corps.
You've achieved your dreams, you're a man of significance and substance, so this won't matter to you now.
Arnold, I'm not your father.
But that's impossible.
It's not true! Look inside yourself and you will know I speak the truth.
Your father wasn't me.
It was Dungo, our gardener.
But he was a babbling imbecile! A billion-piece jigsaw suddenly falls into beautiful place.
Know from now on your family line isn't made up of Austrian princes and French royalty, but of lame-brained artisans and pram-faced trollops.
I didn't tell you before because I didn't want it to affect your self-esteem.
But now you've achieved all your dreams, it doesn't matter a jot.
Goodbye, Arnold.
And good luck.
PS - naturally, I won't be sending you any more birthday presents.
This is the worst thing that can happen.
Mr Rimmer's always had a huge ego and no self-confidence.
Now his ego's smaller than a pixie's right nut after an icy bath.
Well, you know, he thought he came from a military family, high-flyers, success ingrained in the very core of their DNA.
Now he discovers he's no better than me.
What a nightmare.
RIMMER SIGHS I think I've got something.
What? How? I've been thinking.
If Dungo I mean Dennis I mean Dad were here now, he'd be so proud.
Second Technician in the JMC, senior officer in a mining ship, and I don't smell of manure.
Suddenly, I don't have that voice in my head telling me I'm useless at everything.
I have a new voice telling me how proud he is.
I can think, and I think I've got a plan.
It's crap! I have to admit, sir, I'm not entirely convinced myself.
I thought it was quite clever.
Let's take a vote.
Who's against? 'Take a look at this colour.
'Is it purple, blue or green? 'Fallopian tube is a musical instrument.
True or false? 'True?' It'll work! Jujitsu-style! Use the might of your opponent against himself! Are you quite sure, sir? We have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Apart from pain.
And maybe humiliation.
And obviously death and failure.
But apart from fear, pain, humiliation, failure, the unknown and death, we have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Who's with me? I know I need to work harder on that fear speech, it wasn't quite as rousing as it should be, but we can do this.
He's right! Let's do it.
Let's do it! Come on! Come on! Get your butts in the air and let's go! Yeah! Kryten, bring them forks - we might need them.
There, My Dominator.
They're emerging from the meteor.
Mm.
How's it looking? Is it all going to plan? Nothing in sight, sir.
Oh.
We're surrounded.
Twelve o'clock, nine o'clock, six o'clock, three o'clock.
The Death Ship and three Annihilators.
Keep them in line - it's absolutely crucial.
Right, open comm channels.
Here goes.
Open, sir.
This is Second Technician Arnold J Rimmer of the mining ship Red Dwarf.
Under Treaty 5 of the Geneva Convention, we claim the freedoms and privileges of prisoners of war.
Ha! Load the photon mutilators.
Mm.
Perhaps you didn't hear me.
We're surrendering.
Mutilators loaded, Your Excellency.
You can't open fire on a surrendering ship.
That's a scandalous breach of the niceties of battle.
All ships, prepare to fire, on my orders.
Right! You're on report, m'laddo.
Fire! Blow us up all you like, but don't think for one second you're getting away with it.
A letter worded in the strongest possible language is going off to Geneva.
Now, I'm not going to ask you again.
Abort your attack.
Right, that's it.
"Dear sir "I was scandalised earlier today by a Simulant Death Ship "which contravened Treaty 5 of the Geneva Convention.
" Impact - 16 seconds.
It's the way of all things.
You live, you die.
But sometimes you live, you die, and then you live again.
I know.
I've done it myself.
Now! They've destabilised their whole ship, all four bulkheads.
LISTER: Look out! Our own torpedoes are on a collision course, Sire.
Under Treaty 5 of the Geneva Convention, we claim the freedoms and privileges of prisoners of war! Sorry, I missed that.
Pardon? CHEERING Good job, sirs.
Hell of a job.
You know what this makes me? A working-class hero.
Working-class hero, you and me both.
Kryten set a course for Red Dwarf.
The slime's coming home.
It's cold outside There's no kind of atmosphere I'm all alone, more or less Let me fly far away from here Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun I want to lie Shipwrecked and comatose Drinking fresh mango juice Goldfish shoals nibbling on my toes Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun.
What did I tell ya? We got out of that OK.
Just like we got out of that thing with the highly corrosive micro-organism.
Once again, Big Arn saves the day.
Oh, please, sir! Can we sort this out once and for all? Just because you happened You kills my brother.
THEY SIGH