Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Samsara

Red Dwarf Season 11 Episode 02 - Samsara In memory of J.
H.
S.
SAS MBE - Now there was a lad.
Five! One, two, three, four, five.
Fuel.
Well? Mmmm What to do, what to do? Free fuel - get refill for free, and throw again.
Let's see.
How come you keep getting great cards? It's a mystery, isn't it? I've never been beaten at Mineopoly, Lister.
Undefeated since birth.
In the Space Scouts, my game play was so legendary, they called me Minotaur.
Is that cause you were half a man who was full of bull? Because I was like the mythological beast that no one could pass.
Well, you better not throw a 2 and a 1 then, Rimmer.
Throw a 2 and a 1 and land on my space station, and your bank is 'rupted, baby.
Lister, I'm not gonna throw a 2 and a 1.
The odds of that are eighteen to one.
It's not happening.
I win, you can't complain about anything I do for entire week.
I remember the deal.
I win, I can move my lips when I read.
I can leave peetra (?) on the floor so that you step in it.
I can even snore like an inebriated warthog and you can't throw frozen onion bhajis at me.
The good times are gonna roll! Lister, there's only gonna be one winner here, And that's votres truly.
And when I do, as agreed, you are going to wear an evening gown, day and night, until you can play James Last's Polka Party on the bagpipes.
Here we go! Anything but a 2 and a 1.
A 2 and a 1.
Come to Daddy! No willing it.
I'm willing it.
I'm allowed to will it.
I'm willing it.
Stop willing it! You're good at willing it.
No willing it! Come on Out! Doesn't count! Doesn't count! One of the dice came off the table! Re-throw required.
That doesn't count.
I used my hands, an illegal move.
Naughty me! Re-throw required.
No chance.
You couldn't make this up! Wait.
You throw.
Swap chairs! Throw.
Do you now accept that you threw a 2 and a 1 and you lost this game?! Okay! I accept it!! Just lucky for you, I'm such a good loser!!!! Hey, This green blinky thing, we've any idea what it is yet? It's an escape pod, Sir.
And it seems to be emitting an unclassified energy field that's causing minute disruptions to everything in the local vicinity.
Pretty much as I figured, then! Talk in English, would ya!? I'm not fluent in gibberish!! This is the S.
S.
Samsara Escape Pod, Ident 12/Beta Two.
Can you read me, over? Y-yes, we copy, Ident 12/Beta two.
This is very important, you must.
.
What happened?!? We lose the link?!? No matter, Sir.
I'll remote control the pod into the cargo bay.
Who eats ice cream in bed? It's just utterly.
.
Uh-uh.
Uh-uh.
No complaining.
And no complaining about not being able to complain about not complaining.
An entire week, without being moaned at by you.
It doesn't get better than this! Do you know what the difference is between you and me? I can't store hand luggage in me nostrils.
I am cursed.
I remember the day it happened.
I was nine years old and this busker claimed he was an alien and wanted to sell me some lucky space dust.
Even at nine, I was no fool.
I knew he was real.
But all I had was my hover fare to get me home from baton twirling practice.
And as I walked off, he cursed me for life and I've never had any luck since.
It was just some homeless bloke, Rimmer, trying to make a buck.
You cant take things like that seriously.
Smeg happens.
You just roll with it.
I've been rolling in smeg my whole damned life, Lister.
Don't lecture me about smeg-rolling.
I never get the breaks.
Oh here we go, "Whereas you" Whereas you "lead a charmed life.
" lead a charmed life! Well it's true - you do! I'm alone in deep space with you! How charmed is that?! The crew got wiped out, you survived - that's charmed.
I survived to live the rest of my life with you - not charmed! I'm dead! How unlucky is that?!? You're dead but you're still talking to me! How unlucky is that?!? Bing bong! Sorry, Sirs.
The bing bong machine is being serviced this evening.
I'm afraid we're on manual.
Sorry to disturb, but we've salvaged an escape pod with two survivors.
One Colonel Jim Green, and one Professor Rachel Barker.
We're just about to open the booth and take them to the science room for debriefing.
Message ends.
Bing bong! Acting Senior Commanding Officer Arnold J.
Rimmer, an absolute pleasure to meet you.
Uh, Sir.
Uh.
Colonel Green, and Professor Barker.
They're dead! Hey, their medical reports aren't in yet.
We shouldn't jump to conclusions! We spoke to Barker then the link went down.
When we opened the pod, we discovered this.
What happened?!? Well, they appear to have been vaporized, Sir.
Quite how and why, we're not sure.
What do we know about them? Well, the log tells us that Green was the ship's human exploration and mission director.
Barker was a computer scientist.
They were both married, but not to each other.
Surprising! They look like they'd be the perfect match! What became of the ship the escape pod escaped from? The S.
S.
Samsara.
Have we any idea what happened to that? Well, judging from the pod's flight recorder, and the fact that there is no wreckage, we believe the ship must have crashed on this ocean moon.
It seems to me we should do two things: One - scatter the ashes.
And two - find this ship.
On to two, then.
Find this ship! So, what are we hoping to find here? Faster than light drive, quantum computer - but to be honest, I'd settle for a bubble gum dispenser.
I wonder what happened to Barker and Green.
Wrist please.
Thank you.
Sirs? Professor Barker reporting for duty.
Welcome to the Samsara, Professor.
This is my colleague, Colonel Green.
Anka.
We were both stationed on Caicos 12, Sir.
Ah, Caicos 12, of course, yes.
We discovered my wife attended the same college as your husband.
I must get on.
I'll catch up with you later, Jim.
Now remind me, You were a computer scientist specializing in What was it again? I've missed you much! I thought you'd never get the transfer.
Nor me.
Let's go to my quarters.
Look at this dust.
I love dust.
After fluff, it's my all-time favorite dirt! We've any idea what caused this crate to crash? Nothing yet, Sir.
It's a state-of-the-art research ship, with self-repairing engine parts! Crashing should have been out of the question.
What's this?! Well, you can see why they crashed.
Tell me about it.
How can you fly a space ship, and at the exact same time, all play Twister?! I don't think it was Twister they were playing.
Not properly, that's for sure.
Twister is a three-player game.
Everyone here's just waded right in! Hey! Wait your turn, buddy! What's the rush? This is worst and fresh as we got in art school.
How did they die like this? It doesn't make sense.
According to the phys scan, they were flash-heated to death! An instant blast of extreme temperature killing them instantly, but preserving their body positions.
Spooky!! Agreed, Sir! A cold chill has just run straight down my spine.
Eh, that was me - just spilled some lager down your back.
Who turned that on? The mainframe probably detected us.
Check this! According to his dog tag, this man was the captain.
Tom Cadry.
Indecipherable gibberish.
What kind of writing is that? Gelf? Looks like Welsh after about 15 pints.
Strange, that dialect is not on my data base.
Maybe it is Welsh after about 15 pints.
I wonder Sir, would you mind sitting down? What, me? Dictation on.
Permission to strangle you, Sir.
What?! Granted! So maybe the captain was strangled, by this person here, who's been stabbed! Perhaps the next hub will offer a clue! Thanks for that, Kryten.
Very well explained! Jim, I'm so sorry I'm late! That's all right.
It's only been an hour.
I think I must have eaten some bad fish last night.
I've been feeling really ill.
Shall we go to your place? What happened to your back? Argh - herniated disc.
I've been having the worst luck recently.
Nothing of interest here.
Let's try the next one.
Look at this! A one-armed bandit! How cool is this?!? I need a coin! I'm an orphan, ain't I? Why can't I take money from the orphan fund? Are you really going to take it? Who's gonna know? Only you.
And your conscience.
Forrreeeevvvveeerrrr!! Just relax, would ya? Ooh! What was that? What was what? Something just dripped on my head from the ceiling.
Where? Up there, I think.
What the hell is happening?!?! Get me outta this thing!!! I'll get something to cut it! Don't move!! Like I'm gonna move!! Sorry! I saved you, Bud! Whatever you do, don't move!! I gotta knife in my foot! You think I can move?! I'm just going to ease it out.
Ease it out, right?!? Nice and easy.
And you're not just saying that to make me relax 'cause you think the best thing to do is to jerk that sucker outta there with one big-assed yank!? Aaaargh!! I had no choice! It was the only way to get it out! I think I've gone blind! It-it must be something to do with my foot! I got foot-in-eye disease!! Cat, relax man.
It's just a power cut.
What a relief! For a second there I thought I'd never see myself again! Plus having to choose an outfit every day that matches your guide dog!! Don't even go there! The door's locking! Sir, the doors are double-sealed.
We'll never get through! So what do we do?! Suggest we head for the next chamber, and see if there's an access port back to the main hub.
Where's your torch? I left it in the other chamber! I left mine, too.
I can't see a thing! Give my eyes a minute to adjust.
Oh, wow! What? They're readjusting? What'd you see? That it's really dark? Can't you see that? Of course I can see that, you smeghead! Well you can see in the dark, right? With your super-seey cat's eyes, right?! And you can swing from trees, right? With your super-swinging monkey arms, right?! We evolved! So did we! Who'd evolve so that they can't see in the dark!? Who'd evolve so they can't swing from trees?! You'd never be late for anything! Kryten! Rimmer! Help!!! I suppose we've just gotta sit tight.
I'm gonna fix my foot.
I'll get the first aid kit.
You sit down.
Can't see a thing! What the hell was that?!? Ship's slipping into the mush.
W-we're gonna die, I just know it! How come you're so damned chill?!? We've gotta stay cool, haven't we? We don't want the ship sliding any more.
We'll sit tight here, fix your foot, wait for the others to find us, and then we get out of town.
You're right.
Stay calm.
We've got food, water, everything we need! You and me, we can survive in here for days, weeks, months even! Just the two of us! Kryten!!!!! Sir! Are you okay? I think so.
What is that?! I believe it's a Karma Drive, Sir.
A what? It's based on the old Justice World tech, where the pain an individual inflicts on another is redirected back on them.
With one important difference - the Karma Drive has two modes.
A punishment setting, and a reward setting.
What's the point of that? They were designed for long-haul space missions.
They were intended to promote teamwork, reward kindness, understanding, and ethical behavior.
So, how does it work, exactly? Well it creates a Karma field that analyzes behavior, and then manipulates reality to reward or punish.
So when you behave ethically, the ship rewards you.
How? Your coffee is fresh, your shower is warm, your food is tasty.
Well that doesn't make sense.
Morality changes across time and cultures.
Once slavery was an accepted way of life.
Now it's considered repugnant.
Who decides what's immoral and moral? Well, it's programmable, Sir.
And that's what made the Karma Drive such a dangerous piece of kit.
Anyone can implement the moral code of their choice, and then force others to live by it.
I wonder if that's what happened to me on Red Dwarf when I lost at Mineopoly.
Did Red Dwarf enter the Karma Drive's field? Was the drive manipulating the dice somehow? I don't understand, Sir.
I threw a 2 and a 1 seven times in a row.
What are the odds of that? About the same as being killed by a tangerine.
Why punish me? I wasn't doing anything wrong! Kryten, this Karma Drive is too unpredictable.
We've gotta get out of here pronto.
Sir, there is no cause for alarm.
we're under no danger as long as we don't do anything vindictive, selfish, or unethical.
Kryten, we're in big trouble.
Sir, you just have to be nice to me.
Big, big trouble.
The Karma Drive report has just come down from central ops, and it doesn't make for pleasant reading.
You both have committed a whole range of misdemeanors.
There's a Karma Drive on board? Last week alone: Extra-marital sex 18 times? Extra-marital fondling 67 times! Extra-marital licking whipped cream off We get the picture! It goes on! You, Rachel, have lied this week to your husband and others 93 times?! That's just not true! You've been unkind 20 times, criticized others 40 times, and not said "thank you" twice?! Captain, We're in love.
When you signed up for this tour of duty, you agreed to abide by the moral code selected for this ship.
So we're all supposed to live the Mega Core dream, where the married stay married, and sons call their fathers, "Sir!" and everyone eats lots of homemade apple pie! You got it - so start squirting your whip cream on apple pie, and not on one another's body parts! Hey! Good job on the foot, Bud! Even managed to save the boot! We've gotta think of a way to get out of here.
Nah, just give me like 10 minutes.
I'll bet I come up with a plan.
I get great ideas all the time.
I just don't say 'em out loud! You say everything you think out loud.
I'm like that inventor guy - b-begins with "R".
Rosenthal? Sidney Rosenthal? Who? Invented the magic marker.
Magic marker?! The guy I'm talking about is real! He ain't no wizard out of a book with his magic pen!! Inventor guy.
Begins with an "R" I-I-I got it! I got it! The inventor guy I'm like! Begins with "R"! Who? Archimedes! Archimedes.
Archimedes! The guy that sat under trees and invented stuff! That was Newton.
You never heard this story? So, one day Archimedes is sitting under a tree.
The all of a sudden out of nowhere, this bath hits him on the head POW!! And he gets up, shouts "formica", and invents gravy! It was Newton who was sat under the tree.
and he discovered gravity when he got hit on the head by an apple.
An apple can't concuss ya! That ain't gonna make you stagger around, shout "formica" and invent gravy! Formica is a heat-resistant, wipe clean, plastic laminate.
Who'd shout "formica"? It doesn't make any sense.
No one shouts "formica"! You get hit on the head with a bath, everyone shouts "formica"! Look, Archimedes discovered something to do with water displacement when he was sat in the bath, and he shouted "eureka!" So, Mr.
Ellen Einstein, Answer me this: Who invented gravy? No one? Did it just magically appear one day like your stupid wizard pen?! Gotta have some pain killers.
Okay, listen.
Answer me this: How does a bath fall out of a tree? A plane, dummy! Taking off! They probably forgot to shut the back door! And the bath slid all the way from first class.
WHOOSH! Through the curtains, into business - WHOOSH! Through the curtains, into premium - WHOOSH! Through the curtains, and straight into the poor people section.
Who incidentally, probably still haven't even had a bag of peanuts, while the dudes in first have already eaten, watched a movie, and are all now having a bath! Meanwhile Arcie's sitting under his tree.
CLANG! Invents gravy.
And because everyone's so damned happy because everybody loves gravy, right? they gave him a special hat to wear at night to cover up the bruising! Special hat? They gave him a knighthood.
A "knight" "hood".
Not a special hat to wear at night to cover up the bruising! Man, I try to teach you stuff I don't know why I bother! What's that saying?! You can lead a hearse to water, but you can't make it sink! K-Kryten!!! Help!!! The ship's nearly at crush depth.
The Karma Drive is controlling everything on board.
We have to be kind to one another to stand any chance to save Mr.
Lister and Mr.
Cat! An excellent suggestion, Kryten.
That's very insightful of you to make such a helpful recommendation, and I thank you greatly.
Static!! I was complimenting you! Why did it punish me? Perhaps it wasn't genuine, Sir.
I've got to be genuinely nice? Oh, this is impossible! Oh dear.
What? I think I know what killed the crew, Sir.
The ship's quantum motherboards are power loading to flash-heat the ship! We're going to get flash heated?! How long have we got?! I'm not sure, Sir.
Ugh.
Why am I asking you? Someone with a head shaped like something produced in a geriatrics pottery class? The power loading has stopped, Sir! The temperature's cooling? Why? Of course! That's it! Man, she was the greatest soldier in history! Led her people to victory!! Julie Caesar.
Kryten! Thank God!! Thank God! No one should have to suffer like this! He's right! If I wasn't there for him to talk to he'd probably have gone crazy! Kryten, man! It's so good to see ya! Sir! Stop! Stop what?! You stand there with your and I say to you: Don't be nice to me! We know what happened to Barker, And Green! What happened to you? Your hair's insane! I went to the ship's salon for a makeover look what the robo-stylist did to me.
Yeah - similar thing happened to me at the dentist.
Every chance it gets, the Karma Drive is punishing us.
The showers are freezing, the air con is icy, I had to wait Have you tasted the food? Jim! I can't take this anymore! We've got no choice.
Yes we do.
I am a computer scientist, for God's sake! If I can access the KD's mainframe, then perhaps I can reverse the protocol.
Give us some respite.
Even if it is only for one night.
Reverse? So it rewards the unethical and punishes the good? Just one night.
Then, we'll stop seeing each other, 'til we get back home.
Barker and Green reversed the protocols, and as a consequence, good behavior was punished and immoral behavior was rewarded! Kryten just figured it out.
Saved all our necks.
Kryten, if you weren't so ugly, I could kiss you.
Well, you could shake my hand, Sir.
Still too ugly.
You see? Unkindness rewarded.
This is all beginning to make sense.
I mean, think back.
I mean the Cat, nicked the money out of orphans' fund, to play the one armed bandit, And I won the jackpot! You were rewarded for stealing.
And I put the winnings back into the orphans' can, and got me locks caught in the shredder! You were punished for being benevolent.
I saved him, and got a knife in my foot! I fixed his foot, And he got to spend quality time with me! Moving swiftly on Who reversed the protocols and why? Well, best guess - Green and Barker were having an affair and wanted to spend time together.
How sad is that? I mean basically their love for one another brought down the entire ship.
One thing I don't understand, Well, actually there are about How come Green and Barker weren't flash-heated with the rest of the crew? While the rest of the crew survived by acting immorally, Green and Barker realized they could escape, so long as that escape was unethical.
So they took the ship's only escape pod and fled! And then they went into cryo-sleep for millions of years.
Where they were safe! But when they tried to warn us about the Karma field, an act of kindness The Karma Drive had them vaporized.
So where does that leave us? It leaves us getting the hell out of here really carefully! We just have to remember to avoid being honest, moral, kind, selfless, and helpful.
That's not fair.
You've got such an advantage! Hey, what's that? Fuel Tax, miss three goes.
Hey! How come you got so many Mineopoly cards in your pocket?!