Reggie Perrin (2009) s02e02 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 2
I'm reborn and I'm going to resign.
Take your job and shove it up your arse.
I do need to see a psychiatrist, so could you e-mail me your number? OK! Ker-ching.
I'll do anything apart from office work.
I see you two are still together, then.
Roger that.
Your father and I are getting married.
Will you please come back to Groomtech as Head of Disposable Razors? No.
Sacked from a teaching job? What did you do? Pulled a boy's trousers down.
Reggie, our overdraft isn't going to last forever.
I know.
You're going to have to find something you want to do.
Yes.
Don't worry.
I'm just warming up.
Would you say you're an angry person? Not since I went to the beach, no.
Ah, yes! The healing power of sun, sand and a donkey between your legs.
No, I had a revelation on the beach.
A revelation? Is that the ice cream with the nuts in it? No.
I had an epiphany.
Oh, I don't know that one.
Is it new? Oh, never mind.
So perhaps in this session I could sit here and you could chunter on about your plans.
I don't have any plans.
Everyone has plans.
Well, in that case, I plan not to have any plans.
Is that a plan? Sounds more like a recipe for a meltdown.
Well, I have had a Meltdown.
They do have nuts in.
They do? Oh! So you seem relaxed and content.
Yes, yes, I am.
YAWNS That's irritating, though.
Sorry.
I won't do it again.
Huh! Now, I'm going to experiment with closing my eyes as we talk.
Because? I'm knackered.
OK.
No, don't do that.
OK.
To be honest, I'm only here because Nicola thinks I need therapy.
Ah yes, women are great at sniffing out what we therapists call "the bonkers" in people.
DOORBELL RINGS Good afternoon! Hello? I'm David.
I've just moved in next door.
What? With the Wangs? No, I'm the new Wangs.
Oh! Sorry, nothing poking out, is it? No.
Welcome.
I'm Reggie.
Green waste is recycled on Mondays, glass and paper on Wednesdays and on Thursdays we all sleep with Mrs Dibner from number 58, bless her.
Do you really? No.
So d'you work from home? Sort of, yeah.
Make-up designer, underwear model? Actually, I gave up my job a few weeks ago.
Oh, lucky bastard! Yeah, yeah.
Every morning I leap out of bed.
Admittedly I then go back to bed, but, um, what do you do? Guess.
Accountant.
No.
I used to be in a rock band and now I direct movies.
Oh, nice.
Yeah.
No, I am an accountant.
Yeah, I thought so.
OK! Well, I thought I'd better just pop round and say hi.
Yeah, great! Lovely! We should We should We should, yup.
Should what? Pop round for a drink sometime.
Loving it.
Yup, Friday, eight-ish.
Great! And when's Mrs Dibner? Thursdays, so, um Fantastic! I'll see you there.
Yeah! Beautiful! Bye.
Vicky, would you buy this razor to shave your legs? Or other intimate straggly body hair? No.
Why? Why? Cos it's too big.
No, it's not this size.
Oh, OK.
Might do.
Do you find the name "Little Miss Hairy" A: cheeky/fun B: just plain rude C: rude and cheeky/fun but mainly rude D: rude and cheeky/fun but mainly cheeky/fun Or E: don't know? E.
Little Miss Bushy? Mainly rude.
Stubble Queen? Rude.
Tufty Bitch? Now, that I like.
Oh, yes! Oh, God! I'm exhausted.
Yes, you must be, darling(!) I had another really upsetting phone call from my mother.
Did she do her grey pride rap again? No, she's bought herself and your father a sex aid and she can't get the lid off.
Oh, God! They're like strutting 18-year-olds dangling their sexuality in our faces.
It can't last.
As soon as they lose interest in Oh, I can't bring myself to say it.
Say it.
As soon as they lose interest in the sex Ugh! Aie! .
.
they'll have nothing in common except slightly loose teeth and a devotion to the Silver Rider bus pass.
Oh, God! I suppose we should be happy for them really.
I mean, hey, they can travel to Inverness and back for the price of a flask of soup.
I wish they would.
How was your day? Terrible.
15 interviews, no jobs.
Your day? A man called round.
He's moved in next door.
Is he staying with the Wangs? He's the new Wangs.
What's his name? Didn't say.
Is he nice? Didn't say.
Is he married? Absolutely.
You didn't ask.
Course I bloody didn't.
Xavier, how d'you get the calculator to spell "big boss"? '5508.
618, Chris.
' CHORTLES Big boss! I mean, yes! Chris.
Anthony.
Chris.
Hi.
'Chris, do you want to know how to make "Hello boobs"?' Later.
Right, the disposable razor division is highly profitable so I aim to reward success by promoting from within.
So I'm putting you in charge.
Me? Yes, I've been watching you.
You're strong, you're decisive, you're a natural leader.
Oh! OK.
Yeah, so go! Go! Go! Maybe we could be joint boss? No, get out! OK.
CLEARS THROA Ooh, I know that face.
Trapped wind.
Look, Sue, I don't think these sessions are really working.
Oh, sorry.
It's my day job.
It sucks all the energy out of me.
Tell me about it! OK.
No.
I feel like one of those little boxes of juice who's been sucked and sucked and finally you've come along and sucked me some more and now I'm completelysucked.
Go on.
Come back to Groomtech.
No.
NICOLA: Can I come in yet? REGGIE: Nearly.
I'm not going to find you sprawled naked on the kitchen table with an apple in your mouth, am I? Ah, you know me so well.
OK.
Ready for you.
What do you think of that? I think, um No, you go first.
That's my future.
Is it an enchanted boulder? Ah! Is it an enchanted boulder you are going to smear in butter? It's a loaf of bread.
I baked it.
The staff of life, the first and greatest symbol of man's ability to conquer and tame nature.
I'm going to bake bread and sell it to the farmers' market.
Farmers' markets are the future.
In ten years' time nobody's going to be using supermarkets.
They'll just be buying good, fresh food direct from the producer.
It's nice and airy.
Yum! Isn't this fantastic? Um Isn't this fantastic? The open air.
Yeah, or cold wind.
Shall we barter? That's all coming back.
I'll swap you a loaf for some tomatoes.
You new here? Yes.
Give up the desk job? Yes.
Don't look like it.
People always need bread.
Oh, it's bread, is it? Ha-ha! Yes, it is.
Hello.
Fresh bread, baked by myself.
Do try some.
Oh.
Have the best ones gone? No, no.
You won't find that in Sainsbury's.
Now you're management, you get a chocolate-coated biscuit.
Thank you.
I don't, but you know, not to worry.
D'you want my biscuit? Yeah.
Vicky, I don't feel completely at ease being a boss.
You know, what shall I do? Um be more like Mr Perrin? PHONE RINGS Er Steve? Yup.
Um, are you free this afternoon? Sorry, who is this? It's Anthony, man.
Right, yeah.
Um, are you free this afternoon to discuss a "buy a razor, win a dolphin" initiative? No, I'm not free this afternoon, no.
Right, would that have something to do with me being the boss and you in a sense not being the boss? RUSTLES PACKE Sorry, can't hear you, bad line.
What's next? Cheerleaders? Your head on a spike.
Hello, love.
Oh, hello, Santa! Hi! Yo-ho-ho! Yo-ho-ho-ho-ho! Isn't it "ho-ho-ho"? Yo-ho! Yo-ho-ho! Ho-ho-ho! I'll Wikipedia it.
How much did you sell? Oh, you can't put a price on a day out in the open air.
Did you sell anything? No, but Van Gogh never sold a painting, did he? There's got to be a better business model than a ginger Dutch painter who cut his own ear off then shot himself.
Yes, you're right.
Don't agree! I almost miss the old, angry Reggie who paid his council tax in Vietnamese dong just to make some obscure point or other.
You don't want the old Reggie back.
Could it be? I'll just I'll just say it.
You may not be a natural cook.
And? Your bread looks like What? .
.
something a slightly odd child would make.
There's nothing wrong with odd children.
I know there isn't.
I was a slightly odd child.
I know you were.
D'you want a recipe? No.
It's a voyage of self-discovery.
It would be nice to sell something, though.
Get your bread! Tastes better than it looks.
Every frickin' loaf different.
Buy a loaf or I'll sing.
I bought the wife a wooden leg for Christmas.
It's not her main present - just a stocking filler.
Bus stops.
Have you ever noticed? Take care.
Buy a loaf.
I've been Reggie Perrin.
Hi there, Reggie! Hello, love! Not many farmers at your farmers' market.
No, they all go to the middle managers' market.
How are sales? Um Well, you know Van Gogh? Oh, Reggie.
I'm not sure you really know what you're doing.
Hmm.
Is it me, or does that look like a penis? Yeah, it does a bit.
I'm glad we've discussed that in some detail.
I think that's been helpful.
Perhaps we can move on now from your problems finding a parking space.
OK.
Look, I've never told anyone this before but I get these odd fantasies.
Ooh, sausage! What kind? Machine-gunning people I don't like, breaking the boss's neck, mowing my mother down with a wrecking ball.
Ooh! You big, mad bastard! Sorry, that was probably unprofessional.
YAWNS 27 minutes late, due to understandable operational problems.
It can happen to the best of us, actually.
KNOCKS Oh! Jasmine.
Anthony.
How's management? Oh, it's exciting, yes.
Have you got a good package? Well, I've, er What? Oh, yes, yes, yes! Yes, I've got a very good package, yes, erbetter biscuits, same money.
Yes, it's actually slightly less, but I do get use of the executive sanatorium in Weybridge.
Which doesn't actually exist.
It does.
I bought a sweater there once.
Not Weybridge.
The sanatorium.
Right, yes, yes.
Right, good! Team, good! Um, OK, Steven.
What have you got on my disposable razor festival idea? Nothing.
It's a stupid idea.
Yes, yes, you're right.
Thanks for flagging that up.
Um Vicky, I need you just to tighten up your spelling.
You actually spelled your own name wrong here, um SQUEAKS Is that you squeaking? IN SQUEAKY VOICE: Yes.
There still no teaching jobs? Physicsin the Falklands.
Oh, tempted? Not really.
That's the trouble with living for the moment, isn't it? Buggers up the next moment.
Yeah.
D'you know, it makes you realise, doesn't it? You know, you strip away regular jobs, money, the veneer of civilisation, and what have you got? Hull.
This.
This, yeah.
Oh, my God, I'm tired.
Come on, let's go to bed.
Up you get, old girl.
Whoa! There we go.
YAWNS DOORBELL RINGS THUD! Hi! Hello? Is Reggie there? What time d'you call this? Eight o'clock.
Oh, right.
Is that pm? Yes.
Your husband invited me round for a drink.
Reggie! I'm, er, David from next door.
I'm Nicola fromthis house.
Yep.
I normally look great.
Um Hey, listen, I'll come back another day.
No, no, no, it's OK.
Hey! I'm wide awake now.
Who is it? Nothing poking out, is it? So there I was, standing on this beach, naked.
Stark naked.
And I thought, "What am I doing here?" Yup.
He's fine now.
One day at a time.
Nicola just got the sack for pulling down one of her pupils' jeans.
They were nearly down already.
CHUCKLES Xavier! Boob cheese! 'Nice one, Chris.
' KNOCKING What? Chris.
Anthony.
Sit! Um II've discovered And this'll tickle you! .
.
that I don't seem to be a natural leader, umso I supposewhat I need to do isde-boss.
I suppose if I was on the Titanic, which I'm not, not by any means, but if I was, I wouldn't be the captain.
I'd be the, er, little bloke quietly drowning in the engine room.
OK.
Shut up now.
Right.
And leave.
Good, clever! Did I hear there was a job going? No, get out! Cool.
Oh, God, Reggie, at this rate we're gonna have to sell the house.
I've worked solidly for 25 years.
How do other people survive? We're just bad at money.
You over-tip.
You write cars off.
You buy me expensive underwear that makes me look like a Bulgarian sex worker.
DOORBELL RINGS Just ignore it.
No, that's rude.
MARION: Anyone there? WILLIAM: Hello? WILLIAM: Their motor car's there.
MARION: I think they're hiding.
They've done this before, you know.
I eventually found them in the shed.
Feeling peckish.
Cube of cheese in the kitchen with my name on it.
Hmm, perhaps we should wait here until they get back.
No, let's recce back to your billet for some chow and 20 zeds.
I like the sound of that, Squibbles.
MARION: There is a full moon.
Shall I wear my black basque? I like it under here.
It feels safe.
Yes, it does, doesn't it? Reggie, you know what I'm gonna say, don't you? No, but I hope it involves the word "quickie".
Reggie, you need to ask them for your old job back.
No! Oh, look, it's not forever.
And you're good at your job.
You'll be all right this time, won't you? BELL TOLLS Hah! Mr Perrin! Oh, it's been awful without you.
Thank God you're back.
Well, I'm not strictly speaking back.
Everybody, Mr Perrin's back! Reggie! Regeroonster! Oh! You haven't changed.
Thank you! That's bad.
Quick! Form a celebratory pyramid.
No, look.
I'm just trying to keep a lid on it.
I'm not here officially.
Ooh! You're back! Mr Perrin's back, everybody.
Hello, Susan.
Mr Perrin's been coming to me for therapy because he went a bit funny.
How are you feeling in yourself? Nauseous.
Oh, sausage! I always think coming back to work after a break is like having a boob job.
At first it's all, "Ooh! Look at you!" but that soon stops.
Thank you.
Right, well, I'd better go in there and ask Chris for my old job back.
Reggie! Hello, Jasmine.
How are you? Oh, fine, thanks.
Not you.
Um She's fine.
Ah, Chris.
Jasmine.
Chris, when we last met, I may have said Did I? I may have done.
.
.
that I didn't feel that my particular personality "You roar like a lion.
" Yes.
.
.
was best suited to a return to "The wasteland of a corporate desk job.
" Mm.
But, as you pointed out "A demented Buddha, barking gibberish.
" My, I was chatty that day, wasn't I? Look, Chris, I was arrogant to suppose that I could rise above the human condition.
Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, modern man gotta eat his own entrails.
I humbly, and with all the dignity of a tiny worm, ask you for my job back.
Yes, you can.
And you know what you've gotta do.
Will you give me my job back? No, I won't.
I can't, cos I've just been fired.
What? This company's going down the toilet.
Chairman's told me to leave.
Oh, I don't know what to say.
Thank you.
Except that's brilliant news.
No, Reggie, don't joke with me.
I'm not joking.
No, really, don't joke with me.
I'm really not joking with you, Chris.
Oh.
What are you gonna do? Well, not going to let the bastards get me down, that's for sure.
CRIES Oh, God! All right, come on, let's get it over with.
Come on.
Bloody hugging.
I blame the Americans.
KNOCKING Bugger off! I'm having a hug.
Still here, Jackson? BLOWS RASPBERRY Yes, definitely made the right decision.
Perrin, my spies told me you were in the building.
Oh, they were right.
A word, please.
So, Perrin.
Tell me.
Why the hell should we give you back your job as Head of Disposable Razors? Cos I'm really good at it and I need the money.
You're spoilt, Perrin.
As bored as a child on a wet caravanning holiday.
Business is about more than money.
If only.
Money may be the mortar between the bricks, but the bricks are the staff.
Together, we make a wall.
Well done.
Couldn't we make something a bit more fun, like a barbecue, next time? You gave an abusive speech and abandoned this company.
You're damaged goods.
Listen! I believe passionately in hard work, top-down inspiration, a fully integral carrot-and-stick business model.
My knowledge of grooming products is encyclopaedic and I'd lay down my life for this company.
And that's not bullshit.
Yes, it is.
All right, it is a bit, yeah.
Let me tell you about you, Perrin.
Can I tell you about you afterwards? No.
You see, you get off on being a rebel, but rebels are essentially dull-minded elitists who've run out of ideas.
Ah! Impressive.
I expected you to storm out.
I would have, but I took my trousers off while you were chatting on.
That'll be a joke.
Almost certainly.
OK, Perrin.
You're the only manager in recent years to consistently show a profit.
Thank you for setting the bar so low.
You're right, of course.
It's all about money.
And it seems you know how to make it.
So I know I speak for everybody when I say we're prepared to take a risk .
.
and offer you the role held until today by Chris Jackson.
Huh! Head of bullying and nonsensical pronouncements.
No.
Managing Director of Groomtech.
Right.
What? Yes.
Head of the whole company.
Right.
Er .
.
I'll need to think about that.
Can I put my trousers on now, please?
Take your job and shove it up your arse.
I do need to see a psychiatrist, so could you e-mail me your number? OK! Ker-ching.
I'll do anything apart from office work.
I see you two are still together, then.
Roger that.
Your father and I are getting married.
Will you please come back to Groomtech as Head of Disposable Razors? No.
Sacked from a teaching job? What did you do? Pulled a boy's trousers down.
Reggie, our overdraft isn't going to last forever.
I know.
You're going to have to find something you want to do.
Yes.
Don't worry.
I'm just warming up.
Would you say you're an angry person? Not since I went to the beach, no.
Ah, yes! The healing power of sun, sand and a donkey between your legs.
No, I had a revelation on the beach.
A revelation? Is that the ice cream with the nuts in it? No.
I had an epiphany.
Oh, I don't know that one.
Is it new? Oh, never mind.
So perhaps in this session I could sit here and you could chunter on about your plans.
I don't have any plans.
Everyone has plans.
Well, in that case, I plan not to have any plans.
Is that a plan? Sounds more like a recipe for a meltdown.
Well, I have had a Meltdown.
They do have nuts in.
They do? Oh! So you seem relaxed and content.
Yes, yes, I am.
YAWNS That's irritating, though.
Sorry.
I won't do it again.
Huh! Now, I'm going to experiment with closing my eyes as we talk.
Because? I'm knackered.
OK.
No, don't do that.
OK.
To be honest, I'm only here because Nicola thinks I need therapy.
Ah yes, women are great at sniffing out what we therapists call "the bonkers" in people.
DOORBELL RINGS Good afternoon! Hello? I'm David.
I've just moved in next door.
What? With the Wangs? No, I'm the new Wangs.
Oh! Sorry, nothing poking out, is it? No.
Welcome.
I'm Reggie.
Green waste is recycled on Mondays, glass and paper on Wednesdays and on Thursdays we all sleep with Mrs Dibner from number 58, bless her.
Do you really? No.
So d'you work from home? Sort of, yeah.
Make-up designer, underwear model? Actually, I gave up my job a few weeks ago.
Oh, lucky bastard! Yeah, yeah.
Every morning I leap out of bed.
Admittedly I then go back to bed, but, um, what do you do? Guess.
Accountant.
No.
I used to be in a rock band and now I direct movies.
Oh, nice.
Yeah.
No, I am an accountant.
Yeah, I thought so.
OK! Well, I thought I'd better just pop round and say hi.
Yeah, great! Lovely! We should We should We should, yup.
Should what? Pop round for a drink sometime.
Loving it.
Yup, Friday, eight-ish.
Great! And when's Mrs Dibner? Thursdays, so, um Fantastic! I'll see you there.
Yeah! Beautiful! Bye.
Vicky, would you buy this razor to shave your legs? Or other intimate straggly body hair? No.
Why? Why? Cos it's too big.
No, it's not this size.
Oh, OK.
Might do.
Do you find the name "Little Miss Hairy" A: cheeky/fun B: just plain rude C: rude and cheeky/fun but mainly rude D: rude and cheeky/fun but mainly cheeky/fun Or E: don't know? E.
Little Miss Bushy? Mainly rude.
Stubble Queen? Rude.
Tufty Bitch? Now, that I like.
Oh, yes! Oh, God! I'm exhausted.
Yes, you must be, darling(!) I had another really upsetting phone call from my mother.
Did she do her grey pride rap again? No, she's bought herself and your father a sex aid and she can't get the lid off.
Oh, God! They're like strutting 18-year-olds dangling their sexuality in our faces.
It can't last.
As soon as they lose interest in Oh, I can't bring myself to say it.
Say it.
As soon as they lose interest in the sex Ugh! Aie! .
.
they'll have nothing in common except slightly loose teeth and a devotion to the Silver Rider bus pass.
Oh, God! I suppose we should be happy for them really.
I mean, hey, they can travel to Inverness and back for the price of a flask of soup.
I wish they would.
How was your day? Terrible.
15 interviews, no jobs.
Your day? A man called round.
He's moved in next door.
Is he staying with the Wangs? He's the new Wangs.
What's his name? Didn't say.
Is he nice? Didn't say.
Is he married? Absolutely.
You didn't ask.
Course I bloody didn't.
Xavier, how d'you get the calculator to spell "big boss"? '5508.
618, Chris.
' CHORTLES Big boss! I mean, yes! Chris.
Anthony.
Chris.
Hi.
'Chris, do you want to know how to make "Hello boobs"?' Later.
Right, the disposable razor division is highly profitable so I aim to reward success by promoting from within.
So I'm putting you in charge.
Me? Yes, I've been watching you.
You're strong, you're decisive, you're a natural leader.
Oh! OK.
Yeah, so go! Go! Go! Maybe we could be joint boss? No, get out! OK.
CLEARS THROA Ooh, I know that face.
Trapped wind.
Look, Sue, I don't think these sessions are really working.
Oh, sorry.
It's my day job.
It sucks all the energy out of me.
Tell me about it! OK.
No.
I feel like one of those little boxes of juice who's been sucked and sucked and finally you've come along and sucked me some more and now I'm completelysucked.
Go on.
Come back to Groomtech.
No.
NICOLA: Can I come in yet? REGGIE: Nearly.
I'm not going to find you sprawled naked on the kitchen table with an apple in your mouth, am I? Ah, you know me so well.
OK.
Ready for you.
What do you think of that? I think, um No, you go first.
That's my future.
Is it an enchanted boulder? Ah! Is it an enchanted boulder you are going to smear in butter? It's a loaf of bread.
I baked it.
The staff of life, the first and greatest symbol of man's ability to conquer and tame nature.
I'm going to bake bread and sell it to the farmers' market.
Farmers' markets are the future.
In ten years' time nobody's going to be using supermarkets.
They'll just be buying good, fresh food direct from the producer.
It's nice and airy.
Yum! Isn't this fantastic? Um Isn't this fantastic? The open air.
Yeah, or cold wind.
Shall we barter? That's all coming back.
I'll swap you a loaf for some tomatoes.
You new here? Yes.
Give up the desk job? Yes.
Don't look like it.
People always need bread.
Oh, it's bread, is it? Ha-ha! Yes, it is.
Hello.
Fresh bread, baked by myself.
Do try some.
Oh.
Have the best ones gone? No, no.
You won't find that in Sainsbury's.
Now you're management, you get a chocolate-coated biscuit.
Thank you.
I don't, but you know, not to worry.
D'you want my biscuit? Yeah.
Vicky, I don't feel completely at ease being a boss.
You know, what shall I do? Um be more like Mr Perrin? PHONE RINGS Er Steve? Yup.
Um, are you free this afternoon? Sorry, who is this? It's Anthony, man.
Right, yeah.
Um, are you free this afternoon to discuss a "buy a razor, win a dolphin" initiative? No, I'm not free this afternoon, no.
Right, would that have something to do with me being the boss and you in a sense not being the boss? RUSTLES PACKE Sorry, can't hear you, bad line.
What's next? Cheerleaders? Your head on a spike.
Hello, love.
Oh, hello, Santa! Hi! Yo-ho-ho! Yo-ho-ho-ho-ho! Isn't it "ho-ho-ho"? Yo-ho! Yo-ho-ho! Ho-ho-ho! I'll Wikipedia it.
How much did you sell? Oh, you can't put a price on a day out in the open air.
Did you sell anything? No, but Van Gogh never sold a painting, did he? There's got to be a better business model than a ginger Dutch painter who cut his own ear off then shot himself.
Yes, you're right.
Don't agree! I almost miss the old, angry Reggie who paid his council tax in Vietnamese dong just to make some obscure point or other.
You don't want the old Reggie back.
Could it be? I'll just I'll just say it.
You may not be a natural cook.
And? Your bread looks like What? .
.
something a slightly odd child would make.
There's nothing wrong with odd children.
I know there isn't.
I was a slightly odd child.
I know you were.
D'you want a recipe? No.
It's a voyage of self-discovery.
It would be nice to sell something, though.
Get your bread! Tastes better than it looks.
Every frickin' loaf different.
Buy a loaf or I'll sing.
I bought the wife a wooden leg for Christmas.
It's not her main present - just a stocking filler.
Bus stops.
Have you ever noticed? Take care.
Buy a loaf.
I've been Reggie Perrin.
Hi there, Reggie! Hello, love! Not many farmers at your farmers' market.
No, they all go to the middle managers' market.
How are sales? Um Well, you know Van Gogh? Oh, Reggie.
I'm not sure you really know what you're doing.
Hmm.
Is it me, or does that look like a penis? Yeah, it does a bit.
I'm glad we've discussed that in some detail.
I think that's been helpful.
Perhaps we can move on now from your problems finding a parking space.
OK.
Look, I've never told anyone this before but I get these odd fantasies.
Ooh, sausage! What kind? Machine-gunning people I don't like, breaking the boss's neck, mowing my mother down with a wrecking ball.
Ooh! You big, mad bastard! Sorry, that was probably unprofessional.
YAWNS 27 minutes late, due to understandable operational problems.
It can happen to the best of us, actually.
KNOCKS Oh! Jasmine.
Anthony.
How's management? Oh, it's exciting, yes.
Have you got a good package? Well, I've, er What? Oh, yes, yes, yes! Yes, I've got a very good package, yes, erbetter biscuits, same money.
Yes, it's actually slightly less, but I do get use of the executive sanatorium in Weybridge.
Which doesn't actually exist.
It does.
I bought a sweater there once.
Not Weybridge.
The sanatorium.
Right, yes, yes.
Right, good! Team, good! Um, OK, Steven.
What have you got on my disposable razor festival idea? Nothing.
It's a stupid idea.
Yes, yes, you're right.
Thanks for flagging that up.
Um Vicky, I need you just to tighten up your spelling.
You actually spelled your own name wrong here, um SQUEAKS Is that you squeaking? IN SQUEAKY VOICE: Yes.
There still no teaching jobs? Physicsin the Falklands.
Oh, tempted? Not really.
That's the trouble with living for the moment, isn't it? Buggers up the next moment.
Yeah.
D'you know, it makes you realise, doesn't it? You know, you strip away regular jobs, money, the veneer of civilisation, and what have you got? Hull.
This.
This, yeah.
Oh, my God, I'm tired.
Come on, let's go to bed.
Up you get, old girl.
Whoa! There we go.
YAWNS DOORBELL RINGS THUD! Hi! Hello? Is Reggie there? What time d'you call this? Eight o'clock.
Oh, right.
Is that pm? Yes.
Your husband invited me round for a drink.
Reggie! I'm, er, David from next door.
I'm Nicola fromthis house.
Yep.
I normally look great.
Um Hey, listen, I'll come back another day.
No, no, no, it's OK.
Hey! I'm wide awake now.
Who is it? Nothing poking out, is it? So there I was, standing on this beach, naked.
Stark naked.
And I thought, "What am I doing here?" Yup.
He's fine now.
One day at a time.
Nicola just got the sack for pulling down one of her pupils' jeans.
They were nearly down already.
CHUCKLES Xavier! Boob cheese! 'Nice one, Chris.
' KNOCKING What? Chris.
Anthony.
Sit! Um II've discovered And this'll tickle you! .
.
that I don't seem to be a natural leader, umso I supposewhat I need to do isde-boss.
I suppose if I was on the Titanic, which I'm not, not by any means, but if I was, I wouldn't be the captain.
I'd be the, er, little bloke quietly drowning in the engine room.
OK.
Shut up now.
Right.
And leave.
Good, clever! Did I hear there was a job going? No, get out! Cool.
Oh, God, Reggie, at this rate we're gonna have to sell the house.
I've worked solidly for 25 years.
How do other people survive? We're just bad at money.
You over-tip.
You write cars off.
You buy me expensive underwear that makes me look like a Bulgarian sex worker.
DOORBELL RINGS Just ignore it.
No, that's rude.
MARION: Anyone there? WILLIAM: Hello? WILLIAM: Their motor car's there.
MARION: I think they're hiding.
They've done this before, you know.
I eventually found them in the shed.
Feeling peckish.
Cube of cheese in the kitchen with my name on it.
Hmm, perhaps we should wait here until they get back.
No, let's recce back to your billet for some chow and 20 zeds.
I like the sound of that, Squibbles.
MARION: There is a full moon.
Shall I wear my black basque? I like it under here.
It feels safe.
Yes, it does, doesn't it? Reggie, you know what I'm gonna say, don't you? No, but I hope it involves the word "quickie".
Reggie, you need to ask them for your old job back.
No! Oh, look, it's not forever.
And you're good at your job.
You'll be all right this time, won't you? BELL TOLLS Hah! Mr Perrin! Oh, it's been awful without you.
Thank God you're back.
Well, I'm not strictly speaking back.
Everybody, Mr Perrin's back! Reggie! Regeroonster! Oh! You haven't changed.
Thank you! That's bad.
Quick! Form a celebratory pyramid.
No, look.
I'm just trying to keep a lid on it.
I'm not here officially.
Ooh! You're back! Mr Perrin's back, everybody.
Hello, Susan.
Mr Perrin's been coming to me for therapy because he went a bit funny.
How are you feeling in yourself? Nauseous.
Oh, sausage! I always think coming back to work after a break is like having a boob job.
At first it's all, "Ooh! Look at you!" but that soon stops.
Thank you.
Right, well, I'd better go in there and ask Chris for my old job back.
Reggie! Hello, Jasmine.
How are you? Oh, fine, thanks.
Not you.
Um She's fine.
Ah, Chris.
Jasmine.
Chris, when we last met, I may have said Did I? I may have done.
.
.
that I didn't feel that my particular personality "You roar like a lion.
" Yes.
.
.
was best suited to a return to "The wasteland of a corporate desk job.
" Mm.
But, as you pointed out "A demented Buddha, barking gibberish.
" My, I was chatty that day, wasn't I? Look, Chris, I was arrogant to suppose that I could rise above the human condition.
Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, modern man gotta eat his own entrails.
I humbly, and with all the dignity of a tiny worm, ask you for my job back.
Yes, you can.
And you know what you've gotta do.
Will you give me my job back? No, I won't.
I can't, cos I've just been fired.
What? This company's going down the toilet.
Chairman's told me to leave.
Oh, I don't know what to say.
Thank you.
Except that's brilliant news.
No, Reggie, don't joke with me.
I'm not joking.
No, really, don't joke with me.
I'm really not joking with you, Chris.
Oh.
What are you gonna do? Well, not going to let the bastards get me down, that's for sure.
CRIES Oh, God! All right, come on, let's get it over with.
Come on.
Bloody hugging.
I blame the Americans.
KNOCKING Bugger off! I'm having a hug.
Still here, Jackson? BLOWS RASPBERRY Yes, definitely made the right decision.
Perrin, my spies told me you were in the building.
Oh, they were right.
A word, please.
So, Perrin.
Tell me.
Why the hell should we give you back your job as Head of Disposable Razors? Cos I'm really good at it and I need the money.
You're spoilt, Perrin.
As bored as a child on a wet caravanning holiday.
Business is about more than money.
If only.
Money may be the mortar between the bricks, but the bricks are the staff.
Together, we make a wall.
Well done.
Couldn't we make something a bit more fun, like a barbecue, next time? You gave an abusive speech and abandoned this company.
You're damaged goods.
Listen! I believe passionately in hard work, top-down inspiration, a fully integral carrot-and-stick business model.
My knowledge of grooming products is encyclopaedic and I'd lay down my life for this company.
And that's not bullshit.
Yes, it is.
All right, it is a bit, yeah.
Let me tell you about you, Perrin.
Can I tell you about you afterwards? No.
You see, you get off on being a rebel, but rebels are essentially dull-minded elitists who've run out of ideas.
Ah! Impressive.
I expected you to storm out.
I would have, but I took my trousers off while you were chatting on.
That'll be a joke.
Almost certainly.
OK, Perrin.
You're the only manager in recent years to consistently show a profit.
Thank you for setting the bar so low.
You're right, of course.
It's all about money.
And it seems you know how to make it.
So I know I speak for everybody when I say we're prepared to take a risk .
.
and offer you the role held until today by Chris Jackson.
Huh! Head of bullying and nonsensical pronouncements.
No.
Managing Director of Groomtech.
Right.
What? Yes.
Head of the whole company.
Right.
Er .
.
I'll need to think about that.
Can I put my trousers on now, please?