Reginald the Vampire (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

Previously on "Reginald the Vampire "
- You really like her, don't you?
- Her name is Sarah.
Maybe you should do
something about that.
Are you busy Friday night?
No, no, I'm not busy.
I think it would be fun if we went out.
- Sure.
- How have you never been on a date before?
Leave him alone!
I can fix this, Reggie.
I had the weirdest dream last night.
No, you're not dreaming.
I'm a motherfucking vampire!
Being a fat vampire,
that's gonna cause some problems
within the vampire community.
I'm going to be like this forever.
Vampires can't glamour
other vampires, all right?
You need to feed, man.
But I don't want to kill anyone.
You don't have to.
We need to break up.
I reject your imaginary break up
and think that you and I need to have
an open and honest conversation
about what's going on between us.
Could I come in now please?
Okay.
Okay.
Um, the best way to have
an honest conversation
is to just dive in
without hesitation or fear.
Are you all right?
Reginald?
- Better now.
- Good.
- Because, um
- Stop right there.
Don't come any closer.
Can't break up if we
were never together.
That's a fair point, semantically sound.
We're on the same wavelength here.
I feel like there's something
that you're not telling me,
and Reginald, you can tell me anything.
I know how you could assume that,
but there's just some
things a man can't share.
Try me.
What's the story, morning glory?
Sarah, there is nothing I'd rather do
than be with you,
but I can't.
Because
the timing's wrong, or
the gods are against us,
or the stars are out of alignment.
Probably all of those
things at the same time.
We can't be together.
No, no! Sarah, what was I thinking?
I was wrong! I don't
care about the stars.
Of course we can be
together. We have to be.
There's nothing in
the world I want more.
However, in the interest
of full disclosure,
I have to tell you
something, so brace yourself
because, again, fully aware of what
a shocker this is gonna be, but
the thing I wasn't telling you,
my big, bold, impossible secret is
I'm a motherfucking vampir
No, no, I'm still not entirely
on board with that catchphrase.
- She didn't hear a word I said?
- Sorry, no.
How did you even know she was here?
The sire bond, man.
It's like an alarm bell.
What you feel, I feel.
You don't wanna feel what I feel.
- Understood.
- You made her go.
I just put a different
thought in her head.
What will she remember from tonight?
I went a little deeper than that.
What?
No first date for her to miss,
no reason for her to come here,
no conversation once she did,
and no catchphrase.
Is Sarah gonna remember
that she likes me?
Well, I didn't tell her not to, man,
but it's an inexact science.
So summing up again,
body issues for an eternity,
unable to control my most basic urges,
and unfit for human interaction
including, of course, romance.
Well, hey, hey, none
of that is permanent
except for the body part.
Something to look forward to then.
Look, you need to feed, Reggie, okay?
Nothing changes until you
get your teeth into someone.
What if I don't?
Well, it won't kill you,
but some very inconvenient
shit will start to happen.
Define "inconvenient shit."
Drop your fangs, bite, and drink.
Oh, and don't forget,
make them forget after it's over.
I've never glamoured anyone before.
Well, it's a part of your nature now.
Then come with me. Show me how to feed.
- I can't do that.
- Why?
Sorry, tradition.
There comes a time when baby
birds gotta leave the nest,
even if they need a little push.
- I am not a baby bird.
- No.
No, you're a motherfucking vampire!
Welcome to the Slushy
Shack. How may I help you?
Welcome to Slushy Shack.
How may I help you?
What?
- Todd wanted to have a
- Whoa.
How about a little warning next time?
Sorry. Sometimes I violate
people's personal space.
And
Todd wanted to have a
serious talk with you
about your attitude, but I convinced him
I might be more efficient
at getting to the bottom
- of what's bugging you.
- Oh? Okay.
Fair enough.
What's up with the attitude, buddy boy?
Okay, how is this more efficient?
I employ the direct
approach when necessary.
Spill the beans.
I'm worried, and I don't
know what to do about it.
Go on.
There's this friend of mine.
I'm worried about her health.
- She's sick?
- Not exactly.
So this is not a health problem?
It's it's complicated.
I'm trying to figure
out how to help her.
I mean, let's say that
she's not entirely okay,
but has no idea she's not okay.
Like you're sick and don't know it.
Maybe waiting until things get better
is my best option, but I can't wait.
Waiting for things to get
better is glass half full
foolishness that never wins the day.
Right.
Okay, well, good talk, Ashley.
I needed this. Thanks, I guess.
Okay.
One, pull yourself together
when you're at the register
and never bark at a customer again.
Got it. Attitude check.
Two, you're weirdly indirect about this,
but I'm sensing genuine
emotion in between the lines
when it comes to this
anonymous friend of yours,
so I'm gonna say what
I told you at the start.
"What's with the attitude, buddy boy?"
Employ the direct
approach when necessary.
Dude, they slapped me.
Wh
what the f
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Hey?
- Reginald.
Sorry I'm late. It was so weird.
I forgot how to get here.
I mean, well, I didn't forget,
but, like, I did.
So what did you do last night?
Not much. Nothing.
I don't know.
I was just thinking about what we
were talking about at work yesterday.
Oh.
Well, I don't really
remember what we talked about.
Follow-up question.
Have you been on any dates lately?
No. I don't think so.
I mean, no, I haven't.
But, uh, why would you ask me that?
Um, nothing, just collegial
interest in your social calendar.
Oh.
- What's the story, morning glory?
- Okay.
That's a Blur song, right?
What do you see when you look at me?
Are you okay?
I'm Reginald.
I'm Sarah.
Is there a reason you're
acting like we never met?
Gah!
Have we met?
You killed my brother.
I'm sorry. You're gonna
have to be more specific.
You killed Isaac.
Again, my apologies.
The funny thing is I actually
killed more than one Isaac,
so fill in the details for me.
Are we talking about Dallas Ike
or maybe the Isaac I killed in Berlin?
- Come on, man.
- You killed my brother.
Which we established,
and and did I mention
how sorry I was about that?
Hey, hey, hey!
Look, if we're gonna fight,
first we gotta establish
some rules, right?
We're not gonna fight.
I'm gonna rip your head off your body.
No, no, no, I-I like my head.
It's been on my body for over 75 years.
Look, Isaac wasn't a bad guy.
He was just mean and
and a little vain,
and in a lot of ways,
that's worse, right?
He didn't have to die.
He wasn't really a threat to me.
In truth, he had his
hands up to surrender.
But he hurt a friend of mine, okay?
And my feeling was, I was
putting Isaac down for good.
Ugh.
Maurice, let me in!
I'm not a baby bird!
I'm a man! Now let me in!
Hey!
He's not in here.
- Oh.
- You're Reginald.
- Who who are you?
- I'm Mike.
Do you I-I need help.
Sounds like it.
Do you know where Maurice went?
Well, he comes and he goes.
Do you do you know
when he'll be back?
Why don't you come inside,
and we'll wait together?
Thank you.
- You're late.
- Yeah, sorry.
I ran into somebody.
Angel's Blood, you're going in hot.
- It's what I need.
- Going after her.
I never took you for
the death wish type
Look, can you get it for me or not?
Sure, but, I mean,
you gotta understand the risks involved.
The weight of something like this is
On the other hand, happy to oblige.
It's like he erased her.
I mean, sure, she remembers who I am,
but what if she never
remembers how she felt about me?
What if it's just an empty space?
The thing about glamouring,
the essential comes back.
Sarah forgot what she did last night,
but one way or another,
she'll reclaim how she feels about you.
Is there, like, a
timetable that I can consult
that will let me know when that happens?
When you measure your life in centuries,
patience is a virtue.
This would be a lot easier
if you could just glamour
a comprehensive undead
life hack into my head.
Vampires can't glamour other vampires.
Told you that.
What are we talking about?
Love.
Love.
Love is constant. Only the names change.
How you doing, Reggie?
Other than thinking vampires
have a pretty convenient
gestalt for love, I'm not
doing great, thank you.
Reggie's special. He just
hasn't realized it yet.
Hey.
- What's the square root of 65,894?
- 256.698.
What's the first sentence
of the seventh chapter
of the last book you read?
"War and Peace."
"The rustle of a woman's dress
was heard in the next room."
- He's smart.
- That's his superpower.
It feels like a parlor trick.
No, it's not a trick.
Okay, that's function.
You're exceptional.
Take advantage of that.
Gee, I had no idea how amazing I was.
All right, it's time for you to go.
Feed or fall apart.
Hey.
Drop your fangs, bite, and drink.
Make them forget when it's over.
Exactly.
Ugh, come on. What's wrong with me?
Come on.
Almost there.
Ah.
Oh, f
So the baby bird returns to the nest.
No, that's not Reginald.
Back so soo
Hi, I'm Angela.
Maurice home?
Come on in.
What the
Nice night.
I love a warm breeze.
- You about to jump me?
- Not exactly.
You think I'm prey for a dude like you?
That's actually closer to the truth
than you might understand.
Educate me, little man.
I want to drink your blood.
- Excuse me?
- I need to drink your blood.
- Get away from me.
- I could break your neck
before you even knew what hit you.
Only thing's neck you can break off
- is a bucket of fried chicken.
- Make it easy on yourself.
Come with me, and I will let you live.
I don't think so.
You you don't know
who you're messing with.
I am vampyre.
I-I own the night.
I'll I'll pay you $25.
$25 for my blood?
$50, but we'd have
to go to an ATM first.
Hang on. If you a vampire,
where are your damn fangs?
Ah-ah.
Ah.
They're temporarily unavailable.
I don't know who you
think you're fooling,
but vampires are all Patterson and shit.
Where your cheekbones, fool?
Well, in truth, vampires come
in all shapes and sizes now
I'm done talking, understand?
Comic-Con is next month.
Listen to me!
Oh, I'm listening, motherfucker.
So
How long has it been since
you two last saw each other?
A very long time.
I saw you in New York
the night David Dinkins
got elected mayor.
I didn't see you.
No. No, you didn't.
I hear you met Isaac's brother, Erich.
Man needs a weapons designation,
not a name.
Well, I just wanted you
to know face-to-face,
personally, that Erich
will no longer be a problem.
You have my word.
Well, Angie, if we got your word
I smell home cooking.
- Etouffee.
- Oh.
Like Maurice's mother used to make.
Well, it was nice meeting you, Angela.
Is there anything else
we can do for you tonight?
I should go.
It was lovely to meet you too.
Mike, is it?
I really didn't mean to intrude.
I just wanted to see you in the
flesh after all of these years.
Don't be a stranger, young soldier.
I remember we were gonna break 'em.
Who you breaking now?
Wait and see.
Late for work?
Something like that.
Chocoholic Blast,
just a pinch of Tropical Coconut.
I feel the need to feed.
You and me both.
Reginald?
I appreciate the customer service,
but I'm perfectly capable
of riding home by myself.
There's a creepy vibe
to what's happening here.
You get that, right?
I-I can't do this.
I can't.
Can't do what?
Back the fuck up!
Language.
Dude, you have fangs.
They have a mind of their own.
Out they come, in they go.
I'm helpless to control them,
and you'd think after all this time
I-I mean, it hasn't
been a ton of time
Are you a vampire?
Regrettably, yes.
But you're fat.
I don't know why that's relevant,
but everyone keeps harping on it,
so hey, thank you.
I'm fully aware of my body issues.
You were gonna feed on me.
It felt like my last available option.
Well, I'm not letting you do that.
As you wish.
I forbid you entry into my home.
Sounds about right.
Be gone, undead creature of the night.
Is that really necessary?
Reginald, are you okay?
No.
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna sit here and
wait for the sun to rise.
- But won't that burn you up?
- If I'm lucky.
And sorry in advance for the mess.
I'll probably wash
right off the sidewalk.
What's it like being a vampire?
How does it look?
Who made you?
Long story.
Well, JFTR, I know all about vampires,
- so I won't let you glamour me.
- Not to worry.
The last time I tried
to glamour someone,
I got punched in the face.
Will you promise not to bite me
if I get you something good to eat?
Yes.
How do I know I can trust you?
I'm a vampire, not an asshole.
Right.
Weak as a kitten too.
Are aren't you gonna invite me in?
I was just kidding
about you not entering.
Pretty sure that's just
something they made up on TV.
I mean, think about it.
Mom will be back soon.
That's when her second job ends,
so you have to eat and run.
And she leaves you all alone like this?
Perfectly capable of
taking care of myself.
Not sure if this will
help, but it can't hurt.
There's blood in there, right?
Technically, it's not blood.
It's just water and a
protein called myoglobin.
My grandmother says
chew your food 32 times
before you swallow.
Oh.
That was an emergency.
Pretty gross, to be honest.
Sorry. Mm.
Well
I'm gonna go
before your mom comes home.
This is the weirdest
fairy tale ever told.
Uh, will you come back and visit?
I mean, outside of the Slushy Shack.
Mom's got extra long hours all week,
so I get bored.
Plenty of steaks in the freezer.
I'll thaw some out.
- It's a date.
- Still a little creepy.
I'm a vampire. Creepy's my brand.
Up high, big guy.
Oops.
What is it?
An invitation.
It's from Angela.
What the what?
What the hell are we doing here?
You hate this woman.
After everything she did to you?
If I'm gonna destroy
Angela, end her for good,
then I need to know everything
there is to know about her world.
It's like she taught me,
knowledge is power.
- Have a great night.
- Have a good night.
I'm giving Reginald
ten minutes to get here,
suit up, and get to work,
or else
Hi, welcome to Slushy Shack.
- How can I help you?
- Hi, welcome to Slushy Shack.
Reginald.
Whoa.
I'm having a bad skin day.
I'd say so.
Maybe you should get that looked at?
Yeah, first thing in the morning.
Okay.
Uh, Todd's getting pretty impatient,
so you should probably get out front
or see a dermatologist?
Uh, whatever you think is best.
Did you ever hear of the story
of the ant and the horse?
The what now?
The ant and the horse.
I can't say that I have.
There's this horse,
and it's totally beautiful
a-and the envy of all other horses.
So a pretty good horse.
Best horse possible.
And every day, the horse
runs past this anthill,
and an ant waits for
the horse every day.
Now, the horse doesn't
know the ant exists,
but for the ant, the horse
is the most important thing
in the world, so it waits,
but the horse just runs on by.
Not sure how I feel about
this whole insect-horse story.
And then, one day, the
horse stops to graze,
like, right next to the anthill,
and the ant who's been waiting
and hoping for so long,
this is his moment.
He he walks up to the horse,
and there's so much
he wants to tell her,
a tidal wave of feeling,
but then he notices that the
horse is about to eat arrowgrass.
- Is that bad?
- The worst.
- Oh.
- Arrowgrass has a high
cyanide content, totally
poisonous for the horse.
Oh, that's not good.
So the ant races right up her nose,
like, deep up in there,
and the horse rears back and sneezes,
shaking its head, and it just trots off,
leaving the grass behind.
What happened to the ant?
He shot right out of her
nose and bounced off a tree,
but he limps back to his hill,
and that's where he waits every day
for the horse to return because
he'll save her life again and again
if that's what it takes.
So
slushy counter or
emergency dermatologist?
Let's go back to work.
Dude, you look like
the shit a shit took.
All right, maybe you
should just take a sick day.
Uh, hey, excuse me?
- Could I grab
- Just one second, sir.
That hat is not regulation,
and I'm gonna have
to ask you to remove
the sunglasses pronto.
Welcome to the Slushy
Shack. How may I help you?
Big guy, you need to feed,
and you need to feed now.
Tell me something I don't know.
Your face looks like toxic waste.
I know, thank you.
Here you go.
Feed on Todd.
What? No, that's disgusting.
He's young. He's fit.
I bet his blood tastes awesome.
Regi-wide, you stink.
Feed on Todd.
What the hell happened to your face?
There you go.
Thanks for coming. We'll
see you again real soon.
Yep. Thanks.
Uh, maybe I should check on Reginald.
You want to check,
check on your own time.
Welcome to Slushy Shack.
How can I help you?
Hey.
What are you doing back there?
- That break room
- I can help you.
Is for employees only.
Reginald is very, very sick.
Tell someone who cares, okay?
I think he's dead.
Don't move. I'll be right back.
Dude, get your ass out of here.
Whatever mess you're making,
I do not want to clean
it up, you understand me?
Oh.
You're disgusting.
Oh.
Something's wrong with your eyes, man.
What the hell happened to your mouth?
Je Jesus!
You know what? That does it, okay?
You're fired.
What's with the eyefuck, friendo?
Listen to me!
What?
Listen to me.
Listen, listen, listen.
I'm going to bite your
neck and drink your blood,
and that fills you
with joy and happiness.
It is the greatest thing
that's ever happened to you,
and when I'm done,
you will forget that it ever happened.
Ooh.
What did you do?
You drugged me?
Where's Mike?
- Why?
- Aw, baby,
you know the answer to that.
Todd?
Hello, Sarah.
What do you say we get
ourselves back to work, huh?
Okay.
Nice.
Maurice.
Comfortable?
A coffin, seriously?
And you always said
I didn't have a sense of humor.
Do I look amused?
Where am I?
You're in a wooden box
about to incinerate,
but if it's any
consolation, as your maker,
I will know the exact
moment when you burn.
I'll feel it.
I made you in Oakland.
You were such a beautiful boy,
but your hunger for
revenge almost ended us,
and I followed you all the way home
where I begged you to
leave your family behind,
but you would not listen to me.
Do not speechify me before
you shove me into this fire.
And now you show up in
Ohio without any good reason
except for that's where I am.
Did you think I wouldn't see you coming?
Angel's Blood?
What the hell were you
thinking, young soldier?
Is that how you honor
the gift that I gave you?
I gave you forever,
and that vampire you
made is an abomination.
Perfection is what
keeps our nation safe,
and not only is he less than perfect,
but he is defective, grotesque,
and an insult to our purity.
Reginald Andres will
not survive the night.
Angela! Angela!
Oh, my sweet Lord.
Don't mind the rotund vampire
of very little importance.
He's just passing through.
- Angela!
- It's like I was never here.
Who are you?
Nobody, trust me on that.
Everyone thinks so.
You don't belong here.
I mean, if you think about it,
does anyone really belong here?
You're lying to me.
Again, not to argue semantics, but
I'm gonna rip your head off.
Geronimo!
Listen to me!
Listen, listen, listen.
Maurice!
You won't believe what I just did.
My damn feet are on fire!
Got it.