Reginald the Vampire (2022) s01e05 Episode Script

1
Previously on "Reginald the Vampire"
I think I have a superpower!
- How did you get in here?
- I glamoured him!
No more glamouring other vampires,
and not a word about this to anyone.
Reginald can glamour other vampires.
That's impossible, and you know it.
Reginald, he's behind this.
What happens if I fail the Assessment?
- You die.
- Need to contact Nikki.
Nikki brings death and
destruction wherever she travels.
Maybe you could help me train.
I have a problem
that requires your special touch.
Hold the doors.
Thanks.
No worries.
Floor?
Yours.
You're cute.
I'm happy to be whatever
you want me to be.
Anything?
Surprise me.
Surprise!
Thanks for the room, lover.
I think I'm gonna like it here.
I don't understand the
point of this exercise.
Visualize, believe, achieve.
Or, conversely, I
could buy a big hammer.
- When do I get to hit it?
- Focus.
Your body's an instrument.
To use it properly, you need to be aware
of what's happening to and within it
at all times.
Let's try the Power
Breath Protocol again.
But all that did was make me feel dizzy.
Reggie, come on. 30 quick breaths.
In through your nose,
out through your mouth.
Then take a deep breath and exhale.
Hold it until you need
to breathe in again.
- Why are you helping me?
- I want you to live.
That's good to know.
What do you want?
- Sarah.
- Okay.
Keep her in mind every time we train.
Everything you do, you do for her.
For example, Power Breath Protocol.
Okay.
- Have you heard from Maurice?
- No. You?
No.
How did you two meet?
- I met Maurice in Ibiza.
- Cool, that's fashionable.
It's a feeding ground.
- The best kind.
- Oh?
We hunted together, fed together.
When I heard he put up
here in Akron, I dropped in.
Because you've always wanted to see
- the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame?
- That's in Cleveland.
And the Wu-Tang Clan
deserve to be in it.
Vampires nest. It's what we do.
Not too many of our kind live alone.
Maybe it's because time passes so slowly
and there's so much of it.
What if you have a girlfriend?
Vampires don't have girlfriends.
Well, maybe I'll be the
first one to do that.
Maybe you will.
Did you think about what I asked you
about leaving town
before the Assessment?
I've been staring at a
cinder block all afternoon,
and now you want me to run and hide?
I want you to be safe.
That's all.
Now, come on.
Okay.
There you go.
Whoa, easy now.
Hang on. There you go. Come on.
How are you feeling?
Never better. Top of the world.
You're looking a little pale.
Oh, I feel tremendous.
Well, in any case, drink this
and eat as many of
these as you can, okay?
Vitamin C increases your blood
antioxidant levels by up to 30%.
Oh. Sounds great.
And maybe take some of
these iron pills too.
I'm so sorry about this.
This is the only way
I know how to survive.
Oh, it's no worries, Reginald.
I'm your huckleberry.
Ugh.
Whoo!
Oh, that hit the spot.
- Always glad to be of service.
- Hmm.
So is there anything else
I can do for you today?
Oh, Todd, you've done
more than enough already.
Hey, I bet you can't guess what I did.
If you want me to, I will.
I'll try a thousand guesses
if that's what it takes.
That's okay. Sarah and I went on a date.
- No way.
- We did!
Ah, that is excellent news.
- Right?
- How did it go?
Any time I spend with
Sarah is just amazing.
- Like a dream come true.
- It is.
This is nice.
I feel like I don't really get to talk
to anyone about Sarah besides Sarah.
I mean, there's Maurice,
but he's still pretty dubious
- about the whole
- Did you kiss her?
- What?
- Man, if I was you
not that I ever could be,
that's just crazy talk.
But if I was,
I'd kiss her.
She's very kissable.
She is.
So? Did you kiss her?
No.
But there has to be an
explanation for that.
It's probably just because I
didn't find the right moment.
Right?
Shouldn't every moment be
the right moment for a kiss?
Huh.
You're right.
You're absolutely right.
Every moment should.
Whoa, we're late.
Listen to me.
You were never here, and
you never saw me today
and gave me admittedly
great advice about kissing.
Go now, and take these doughnuts,
because it's the least I can do.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
I'll take a Chocoholic Blast
With a pinch of Tropical Coconut.
Can you make it a dash this time?
I think I'm building up a tolerance.
A dash?
It's, like, 1 1/2 pinches.
Right, standard American units.
I could stick around if
you want, play some games.
Gee, I wish you could,
but the Shack is slammed.
And I'm tired.
I didn't know you people got tired.
Anyone ever tell you that's a
very rude phrase to say to someone?
If you don't wanna hang, just say so.
- I'm not a kid. I can handle it.
- Tomorrow. Promise.
I miss you too, okay?
- Hey.
- Hey.
What are you doing?
I mean, I know what you're doing.
Snack prep's a calling and a duty.
Hmm, back home, we grew our own snacks.
You can grow corn nuts?
Not exactly.
So no corn nuts?
No corn chips?
No puffed or popped corn of any kind?
Paying for it was unnecessary
when you can make your own treats.
- Counterpoint.
- Mm-hmm.
Corn is tasty in all
of its outward shapes,
- and it keeps us employed.
- Mm.
- Oh!
- I am so sorry.
What were you
It was just a planned
unplanned impulse.
To headbutt me?
Corn nut frenzy? That's possible.
In all its outward shapes.
I'm
You have blood on your nose.
Oh.
Oh, it's nothing, seriously. I'm
Okay?
Call and respond for the
show, they can holla back ♪
Pour a little drink in my cup ♪
Go blank as I loosen up ♪
Close my eyes, let the beat ride ♪
Late night, I'm catchin' the vibe ♪
Hey, Reggie.
Hi, Maurice.
Gonna invite me in?
I'm pretty sure that's something
they just made up on TV.
You still got good manners, right?
Yeah.
So
where were you?
I mean, were you gone?
Not that I noticed or marked the time,
but I'm still pretty curious
about your whereabouts.
Nowhere special.
Oh, okay.
That makes sense.
But I gotta say,
when I thought you were gone for good
That was that was
a big problem for me.
You're right.
I should have done better by you.
I will do better.
I just
I don't know, I needed
some time to clear my head.
I'm sorry too.
Which assumes you're sorry?
Yeah.
Yeah, I shouldn't have gone there.
Look, we can have a problem.
We just gotta talk it out.
Yeah.
Glamouring Penelope and LeBron
may not have been the best idea.
No. No, it wasn't.
So you wanna catch me up?
What have you been up
to while I was away?
Well, okay.
I might become the first vampire ever
to have a girlfriend.
That's a life goal.
And hopefully it'll involve
a first kiss if I don't
headbutt Sarah again.
Wait, you headbutted Sarah?
- Not on purpose, but
- I hope.
And Mike has been training me
with the whole mind-body
connection thing
so I can break cinder
blocks with my bare hands.
- Mike's training you.
- In your absence.
And is Sarah still the most
important thing in your undead life?
By a factor of infinity.
And you know I'm still not
on board with that, right,
- you and Sarah?
- Oh, trust me, I remember.
No more glamouring vampires?
No, no, completely
retired from that scene.
Well, would you mind if I help
Mike out with the training?
Yeah, that would be great, thank you.
Oh.
I really missed you when you were away.
I missed you too.
Wasn't me that keep 'em beatin' ♪
When I need it most ♪
Talkin' to you, and you believed it ♪
Wow.
Hey, what would you say
if I asked you out on another date?
I would say, "Wow," and,
"It's about time you asked."
That's exactly what I
was hoping you'd say.
But maybe I pick the place this time?
- You don't like my place?
- Oh, no, no.
It was great.
Up until the projectile
vomiting incident.
- It did not pair well with the wine.
- Mm.
All right, you pick.
If I'm being honest, I don't
really care where we go.
I just want to go with you.
Aw.
You believed it, you
should've known it ♪
Is that what I think it is?
Don't touch anything.
So it is.
What in the world are you
doing with herb-of-the-cross?
Prepare for the worst,
hope for the best.
Wise words to live by, it's true.
But this herb will rob a
vampire of all her power.
Yeah.
Yes, it will.
- Levi?
- Is that it?
Come on, Sare-bear, bring it in.
Come here. Hey!
What are what are you doing here?
What do you think? I came
here to see my baby sister.
Oh, well, great.
I missed you.
What's on your mind?
Come on, you know I can tell.
Levi, I'm not going back.
Who said anything about going back?
- But
- Look.
You were always smarter than me.
So so, no, just
It took me awhile, yeah,
but I understand why
you left the church.
You do?
Yeah.
Exact same reason I left.
You're out?
We've got a lot of catching up to do.
Come here.
I I promise I'm gonna be better.
I'm gonna be the
brother that you deserve,
and we are gonna be a family again.
I can't tell you how
much that means to me.
Me too, Sare-bear.
You got a place?
Oh, yeah, I got a room in some flop.
It's not too bad. I got
free local calls, cable.
The pool's empty, but
Okay, you're not staying at a motel.
You're gonna stay with me.
That's good.
Hey, Reginald.
You'll never guess who this is.
I'd like this handled
as quickly as possible.
Here's your target: Reginald Andres.
He's a vampire?
Wonders never cease.
Here. Prices have gone
up since last time.
- Wow.
- Inflation gets us all.
I've prepared the contract in advance.
Just fill in your package
selection and sign it.
I'll fax it to the Council.
Idiot.
This job isn't sanctioned.
Fun. It's a secret?
I adore secrets.
You'll be needing this one, then.
Well, that is quite the markup.
Unsanctioned kills are risky.
But with higher prices
come the benefits.
See, the gore level goes
up to seven bloody stakes.
Council only allows three.
Imagine living life with
so little imagination.
I don't want him to suffer.
I just want him dead.
How's about a little UV light torture
or evisceration for half price?
So you're upselling me now.
Well, I did come all this way
to Akron.
- So no
add-ons? - No.
I'll start as soon as
you transfer the deposit.
No digital currencies, please.
Oh, thanks for letting
me use your facilities.
Bodies are such trouble.
Do consider my special on families.
Good through the end of the month.
That woman is insane.
That woman is a stone-cold killer
for over 300 years.
And a killer is just what I need.
Welcome to Slushy Shack.
How may I help you?
Sour Apple Scream. Thanks.
You know what? Never mind.
Is Reginald around?
Yeah, Reginald's in the break room.
He's our employee of the month.
Again.
- Nice.
- Oh, excuse me, sir.
You're actually you're
not supposed to go back there.
Hi, welcome to Slushy Shack.
How may I help you?
Reggie, I need a word.
What?
- Quick question.
- Okay.
Let's talk about the
holes in Todd's neck.
That's more of a
statement than it is a
- Feeding on Todd stops now.
- But
Todd is a human, okay, not cattle.
You can't just treat him like that.
- But what am I supposed to do?
- You hunt.
I suck at night stalking, okay?
Like, I tried it.
The whole sucking bit,
it's just not in my arsenal.
When was the last
time you got out there?
It's been a while.
- I've been on a hiatus.
- That's not how it works, man.
I found a steady food source.
It's convenient, close at hand.
I don't understand why I
can't just keep doing it
Todd's a crutch. Cut him loose.
Fine, okay.
I'll cut him loose.
But what about, like, tomorrow
or the next day or the day after that?
You don't need to feed every day, okay?
But when you get hungry,
you do like we do.
- You hunt.
- Okay, hunt it is.
Uriel, protector most high
against the descendants of Cain,
I pray thee grant me
the strength and wisdom
to deliver my sister unto thee.
She has strayed,
turned her back on the fold,
and sullied herself
among the unenlightened.
Help me bring her home,
where she can be cleansed and sanctified
in the warmth of your purifying blood,
that your light may
shine upon her forever.
Your faithful servant, Levi.
Yes, new high score.
All right, all right,
step aside, rookie.
Wait a sec. Are you humoring me?
What?
Every time I make a new high score,
you beat it by 50 points exactly.
The perks of walking with the undead.
We're excellent gamers.
Well, there's only one thing to do.
Fair is fair. You need to turn me.
Hilarious.
Claire.
- Let me talk before you say no.
- No.
But I prepared a speech.
- You are 12.
- You don't get it.
This isn't about me wanting to be
a competitive arcade gamer.
- I need this.
- No one needs this.
I'm gonna do you a favor
and forget that you asked.
Please?
I feel safer when I'm around you.
Maybe maybe if I was like
you, I'd always feel safe.
Claire.
Forget your age.
A nonstarter in and of itself.
Do you remember the
Assessment I told you about?
- Yeah.
- If I fail, I die.
And anyone I turn dies with me.
The Council is very serious
about their siring protocols.
Okay, and that's really
sad, but if you win
I'm not having this conversation.
Fine.
Wait. Let me ride home with you.
Don't bother, Reginald.
I can take care of myself.
C-Claire?
Subject Todd Sleator, aka Just Todd,
enters park at 3:04 p.m.
Follow Todd right to the
vampire that haunts Rubber City.
Subject Just Todd takes path
toward the northeast exit.
3:21 p.m.
Ooh!
Appreciate the save.
You have amazing reflexes.
I love your outfit.
It was Fanny's.
She was a very naughty girl,
so I hads to punish her.
Is Just Todd being a naughty boy?
You heard me?
Don't be ashamed. I
have excellent hearing.
And sounds always travel
farther in the woods.
Don't you agree?
Actually, trees absorb sound energy,
so the greater the
density of the forest,
the greater amount of energy absorbed.
By the trees.
Is Just Todd cheating on you?
- Does he need punishing?
- Oh.
No, it's nothing like
that. We're not dating.
He's not my type.
Then why are you stalking him?
I'm not entirely
comfortable with that word.
Consider me a concerned friend.
He's fallen in with a bad crowd,
and I'm just trying to help.
I wonder what it would be
like to have a friend like you.
I'm sure if your friends
thought you were in trouble,
they would do the same.
I am the trouble.
I I don't believe that.
It's true.
Tell you what.
If you ever find yourself in
trouble, you can come to me.
I'll be your friend.
But what if I don't want any friends?
We can talk about
that later. I gotta go.
See you around?
I'm sorry. I couldn't resist.
That's where you're wrong, man.
Only you can control
this if you want to.
Excuse me. What's going on here?
Listen to me.
Drink.
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait,
wait. What are you doing?
- You can't turn him.
- I'm not turning him. Watch.
The blood we take can heal
them if we give it back, okay?
And Todd won't turn unless he dies
with my blood in his system.
You've been feeling a bit
under the weather lately.
But you're all better now, okay?
And tomorrow you'll be your old self
with no memory of
Reginald feeding on you.
Ever. Go now.
Forget.
That well is dry, Reggie, okay?
No more drinking from it.
Okay.
It's like you didn't
listen to a word I said
about people and cattle.
Look, I get it.
The taste of blood, it's
it's pure bliss.
I'm not judging you.
I'm concerned, okay?
The impulses and tendencies
you had as a human
are only gonna be intensified
by your new nature, okay?
You keep going at the rate you're going,
and you're gonna kill somebody.
You're feeding because you want to,
not because you need to.
It's a craving born in your mind,
and that's where you need to control it.
Just rewrite whatever's
telling you blood is the answer
with a more I don't
know positive solution.
So you're suggesting
cognitive behavioral
therapy for vampires?
Dude, just listen to your body, okay?
Only feed when it tells you to.
All right.
It's gonna be a struggle, man.
I know that.
But when you need me,
I'll be here.
Thank you, Maurice.
I got you, man.
I love killing zombies.
Don't know why. I just do.
Zombies aren't real.
They're just a story.
I was like that once.
Bullshit, you were.
Okay, look.
There's a house of
horrors in New Orleans.
Part museum, part sideshow,
but mostly just a dank basement
filled with questionable taxidermy
and doctored photos:
bigfoot's footprint.
But the main attraction
was the real deal:
a vampire,
chained and starved,
rotting from the inside out.
That was what they came for.
That was something
Special.
Every day
I hoped to die.
But death wouldn't come.
People laughed
and said I was a fake
That my pain and decay
were just acting and makeup.
But there was one thing
they couldn't figure out.
It was the only part of my
torture that impressed them.
How did they come up with that smell?
One day, a vampire stumbled
onto that house of horrors.
A warrior.
And she fed me the heart of the man
who starved and chained me.
She took my pain away
And gave me back my eternal life.
Angela.
When?
About ten years after you two split up.
I made a promise that day,
a vow I would always keep.
I'm her spy.
I spied on you.
I told her what Reginald can do,
glamouring vampires.
I had to tell you the truth,
all of it, before she did.
She's gonna kill him, Maurice,
before the Assessment.
I couldn't let that happen.
I couldn't let Reginald die.
I couldn't let you die either.
Thank you for telling me.
Now get the out of my house,
and don't come back.
Go back in time ♪
To save you ♪
- Here you are.
- I'm gonna go.
Gonna head out.
What's your rush, Regi-round?
Oh, a date night. You know, karaoke.
So that spells disaster.
Expanding my horizons,
though, so there's that.
Gonna have to trade
insults later, all right?
Rain check.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
Your neck.
What about my neck?
You had a hole situation going on there.
Two of them. You don't remember?
- Remember what?
- The bloody holes in your
Oh, mercy, of course you forgot.
Just like Sarah.
But who
Welcome to Slushy Shack.
How may I help you?
Sour Apple Scream.
And is Reginald still here?
Coming right up.
No, he's not. It's karaoke night.
Yeah, I heard.
Sour Apple Scream.
Have we met before?
Yeah, yeah, sure. I'm
practically a regular here.
I don't know why, but this feels like
the very first time.
Sour Apple?
As if my life depended on it.
Hey, Mr. Butterworth.
I'm in sort of a hurry, so
What?
Oh, sorry, that's my brother's van.
Yeah, sure, I'll move it right away.
No problem.
Okay.
What the hell, Levi?
I hope you like Thai,
'cause I
What the hell? You went in my van?
Right, Levi, because that's the problem.
You lied to me.
You said you were out,
that we'd be a family again.
We are a family.
Oh, no.
This is something else.
A mattress with handcuffs in the back?
The the handcuffs were a last resort.
- I was never
- Resorting to what?
Okay, truth time. Are you happy here?
Really, in Akron?
Yes, I am.
This feels like a place to start.
- And I'm just starting.
- Starting to what?
I met someone.
And it feels like it could
be something really special.
You don't belong here.
You had a year to come to your senses.
Well, time's up. I'm taking you home.
I am home.
This is not something that
you get to decide for me.
Not anymore.
I am not leaving.
You're turning your back on your faith.
It was never my faith.
- I didn't choose it.
- It chose you.
You belong with the Enlightened.
Oh the Enlightened!
Hey, Reginald.
Come on in.
Am I early?
No, no, you are right on time.
My brother was just leaving.
Now.
You want more time. Fine.
But in the end, you'll come home to us,
where you belong.
I'll be seeing you, Sare-bear.
Listen to me.
You're gonna get in
your van and drive home.
Tell them that you tried but failed
to find Sarah because you didn't.
Understand? You were never here.
Okay, what kind of sorcery was that,
and can you teach it to me?
It was just
the power of positive thinking.
It's a book that my
nana used to read to me.
It's powerful stuff.
Or he just probably didn't
want to fight in front of me.
That's probably more likely.
But how are how are you?
That was really brave of you,
standing up to him like that.
Well, I don't know what good it'll do.
He'll be back.
I don't know.
He might surprise you.
But forget about your brother for now.
Who?
Tonight is about one thing only:
me and you.
Are you ready for that?
Oh, I'm ready.
Whoa.
- Mm, oh.
- Oh, yeah.
Get the door.
Ooh!
- Cool.
- Oh, he showed up!
Who?
Maurice.
Oh, are you two
- That's, like, my best friend.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Okay. Nice.
May you escort me to our table?
I may.
I didn't think you'd show up.
Hey. Oh, man.
Worst part about
karaoke in my experience
is listening to people talk about
what you missed the next day.
No, I intend to witness this firsthand.
Oh, sorry.
Sarah, this is Maurice.
I know Maurice from the Shack.
- Well, not officially.
- Well, now you do.
Have you picked a song yet?
Because we gotta get them in early.
No, sorry, actually, I
don't sing in public, so
Oh. Hmm.
No, no, no, no.
- This one.
- That's my jam.
I know. You hum it all
the time on mop duty.
You noticed that?
I notice everything about you.
You love pizza, slasher movies
especially the meta kind
the sound that Velcro makes
when you pull it apart,
and your favorite slushy
is Pineapple Surprise.
Okay, okay.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
So you you didn't
expect to see me here.
Reginald forgot to mention it.
- You don't mind?
- No. You're his friend.
I appreciate that.
Not everyone would be so understanding.
Well, they don't know Reginald.
He's the best guy I ever met.
You really like him, huh?
Yeah, I really do.
Good.
He deserves that.
For you ♪
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Stiff competition tonight.
What's up?
Hey, why don't we take
the party somewhere else?
I've heard of a good bar a couple
blocks over. Let's check it out.
We didn't get to sing our song yet.
I never understood that,
leaving one bar and go to another.
Reggie, I got a really strong feeling
that we are not supposed to be here.
Next up, we have Reginald and Sarah.
That's us!
- Yeah.
- We're up.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay.
- Here, let me get that.
- That's okay. Oh!
Oh, thank you.
Turn around ♪
Every now and then, I
get a little bit lonely ♪
And you're never coming round ♪
Turn around ♪
Every now and then, I
get a little bit tired ♪
Of listening to the
sound of my tears ♪
Turn around ♪
Every now and then, I
get a little bit nervous ♪
That the best of all
the years have gone by ♪
Turn around ♪
Every now and then, I
get a little bit terrified ♪
And then I see the look in your eyes ♪
Turn around, bright eyes ♪
Every now and then, I fall apart ♪
I get a little bit terrified ♪
But then I see the look in your eyes ♪
Turn around, bright eyes ♪
Every now and then, I fall apart ♪
Turn around, bright eyes ♪
Every now and then, I fall apart ♪
And I need you now tonight ♪
And I need you more than ever ♪
And if you only hold me tight ♪
We'll be holding on forever ♪
And we'll only be making it right ♪
'Cause we'll never be wrong ♪
Together we can take it
to the end of the line ♪
Your love is like a shadow
on me all of the time ♪
All of the time ♪
I don't know what to do ♪
I'm always in the dark ♪
Living in a powder keg
and giving off sparks ♪
I really need you tonight ♪
Forever's gonna start tonight ♪
Forever's gonna start tonight ♪
- Time ♪
- I was falling in love ♪
But now I'm only falling apart ♪
There's nothing I can do ♪
A total eclipse of the heart ♪
Once upon a time, there
was light in my life ♪
Now there's only life in the dark ♪
Nothing I can say ♪
A total eclipse of the heart ♪
Every now and then, I fall apart ♪
Turn around, bright eyes ♪
Every now and then, I fall apart ♪
I don't know what to do ♪
I'm always in the dark ♪
Living in a powder keg ♪
And giving off sparks ♪
Once upon a time,
I was falling in love ♪
Now I'm only falling apart ♪
Nothing I can say ♪
A total eclipse of the heart ♪