Review with Forrest Macneil (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - Revenge; Getting Rich; Aching

Life It's literally all we have.
But is it any good? I'm a reviewer, but I don't review food, books, or movies.
I review life itself.
Viva la revolucion! Welcome to Review.
I'm Forrest MacNeil.
I rate life experiences on a scale of one to five stars on television for a living.
And this is A.
J.
Gibbs.
- She helps me.
- I do.
Let's find out what - that first review is for today.
- Okay.
Shall we? This one comes to us from Tyler in Great Falls, Montana.
Couple guys from West High jumped our quarterback, and we're thinking about going over there to them up.
What are your thoughts on revenge? - Oh, my.
- Revenge.
What is it like to settle a score? I'm about to find out.
I began this experience by looking back through my life for a time when I felt personally wronged by someone I could now take revenge on.
Oh, Tim.
Oh, I think he died.
Then, it hit me.
This is my seventh grade yearbook.
This promising young man here is a young Forrest MacNeil.
And that right there is the lovely miss Jenna Mitchell.
Now, that year I had finally screwed up the courage to ask Jenna Mitchell to the winter dance.
And while she was taking a completely reasonable 24 hours to consider my invitation, this young man entered the story.
Randy Romer.
He spread a rumor that the reason I had changed into shorts for the second half of the school day was that I had defecated in my corduroy pants.
That was a lie.
But it just colorful enough to capture the popular imagination, and Jenna Mitchell did not go with me to that dance.
I never did anything to get back at Randy for that.
But I think the time has come.
Thanks to the Internet, it took my assistant, Lucille, less time to determine that Randy Romer is currently an associate Professor of classics at a nearby community college than it did to say this sentence.
Wow.
Dante peopled his vision of hell with his enemies.
I decided to pull a prank that would require a masterfully subtle and convincing performance.
Excuse me.
Is this the classroom of Professore Romer? Uh, yes.
Can I help you? Yes, I'm from Moretti's dry cleaning, and I'm here to drop off your underwears.
I'm sorry.
You're in the wrong classroom.
Please try the Bursar's office.
No, no, no, no, no, professore.
I'm in the right classroom.
You remember, you drop off a pair of underwears with us that had the biggest poop stain on 'em anybody ever saw.
Okay, now, look.
This is obviously some kind of a prank.
Oh, you know what, that's what we said when we had a look at these underwears.
We said, "somebody's trying to have some kind of a prank.
" But it was the truth.
And and it's a stupid prank too.
What kind of dry cleaner would hand-deliver a pair of underwear to my workplace, huh? Well, that's yes.
That's a that's a good point.
Why would somebody do that? - Yeah.
- Well, do you know why? I gotta lay my own eyes on the guy that make this big poop stain in his underwears.
It's a big poop stain.
Put the phones down.
You must have had to wear the same pair of underwears for, like, two weeks and never take off your underwears to make the poop.
Why would you do that, Professor Romer? I'm gonna call campus security, okay? That's crazy.
You're crazy, Professor Romer.
- Don't say that! - It's crazy! Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
- I'm not crazy! - Here's the only thing this guy can teach a class about poop! - Get out! Get out of here! - It's the only thing - he can teach a class - Let's go! Okay, okay, all right.
Hey, hey, hey.
It's nice to see you again, Randy.
Forrest MacNeil.
- Payback's a bitch, isn't it? - What? Arrivederci! All right, Forrest.
That looked like a lot of fun.
That certainly was a lot of fun.
It may sound silly, but giving Randy Romer back exactly what he gave me was a real self-esteem booster.
You know, I can stand up a little taller now, knowing that I am not someone to be messed with.
So I give revenge the full five stars.
- And really what oh, my - Oh, my God! - What the hell was that? - What just happened? What what is that? - Huzzah! Huzzah! - You son of a bitch! - Huzzah! - What? What is it? - That is.
- What? - That's.
- Oh, my God! Randy Romer just walked in here - and threw - Oh, my God! In my studio and on A.
J.
Gibbs! - Oh, no, you don't! - There's in my hair! There's all over you! Oh, my God! - All right.
- I am coming for you! - And I'm bringing hell with me! - Kill him, Forrest! You kill him! Did you see what just happened? Incredible.
That is not gonna go unanswered.
No, thank you.
Where is he? What I did to Romer was well within the bounds of fair play.
I was righting a wrong.
But his little prank back there was over the line.
I'm gonna get him back, and it's gonna be good.
Hey, Lucille.
I need German dialect tapes and a pair of lederhosen, please.
Randy Romer just threw a bag of poop on me.
- I'm making poo! - I'm making poo! What are you doing? - Making poo! - Oh, God.
I am an animal! I am animal! Animal! Witnessing Randy running through the office with his pants down brought back a second, deeper memory that occurred not long after the Jenna Mitchell incident, when Randy was carried out of school naked and committed to a mental institution for feeding our class guinea pig to his neighbor's rottweiler.
I had forgotten about that.
I have decided to come here and apologize to Professor Romer and to give him this gift as a peace offering.
Not totally sure that this is an appropriate gift, but I hope that he accepts it in the spirit that it was intended.
Here he is.
Okay.
- Professor Romer.
- What? - Now you come to my house - Oh - where my family lives? - Just relax.
Relax, okay? I have five knives hidden on my body! There will be no need for knife play today.
I'm here to apologize.
I am sorry for what I did in your classroom.
Believe it or not, I was trying to get back at you for something that happened between us - in the eighth grade.
- What thing? - It was with Jenna Mitchell - Jenna Mitchell.
When you told her that I had soiled my pants.
I should've let it go a long time ago.
Oh, God, I did so many things back then.
- I was a troubled child.
- Right.
- Let's end this in friendship.
- Okay.
I have brought you a peace offering.
Let us shake hands like gentlemen.
- And that is for you.
- For me? - Yes.
- Uh you do know if this is, I'm gonna decapitate you? And you would be right to.
- Okay.
- Uh It's funny, right? - It's a t - Okay.
- Toilet.
- He's on the toilet.
It's called the Toilet Treasury, and it's just it's full of stories and jokes and trivia, just all about going to the bathroom, and listen, it's no Dante.
Oh, it's better than Dante.
Let's catch up sometime, - shall we? - Oh, I'd like that.
- Good.
Yes.
- All right.
Be well, professore.
That went well.
You know, it occurs to me that ending a cycle of revenge takes quite a bit more courage than starting one.
But more importantly, it feels better.
Of course, it's exciting to be at war with oh! - What is this? - Holy.
It's! What happened? - Whose is it? - Oh, my God.
Oh, Randy.
Are you all right? - What happened to your car? - Is this your? - I'm gonna kill you! - Oh, God.
- I'm gonna kill you! - What? No, no, no! Oh, no.
I don't know anything about this! I'm not reading your book now! I didn't have anything to do with it! Let's go! Let's go! Oh, no! No, no, no! What separates man from the animals? Not just toilet use, but also the ability to reason.
Revenge appeals to our baser instincts, while only empathy and forgiveness can end the cycle of madness.
I have to confess, I'm still completely mystified by that last attack.
I don't know who else Professor Romer could've made so furious that they went to all the trouble of constructing something as complicated as an ignition-triggered feces bomb.
Oh, I bet it's not that complicated if you dated a guy who's an auto mechanic with a brother who's a Navy seal.
I bet after killing Osama Bin Laden, that's just a day at the beach.
Right, yes.
Well, to all those who have the opportunity for revenge, I recommend something else.
- Revenge, one star.
- Five stars.
All right, A.
J.
, I'm ready for my next review.
Well, Forrest, Darren in La Jolla asks - Oh, wow.
- Great question.
I am about to go get rich, and I'm not gonna do it slowly.
Truth be told, I needed this assignment.
Reviewing life experiences was turning out to be incredibly expensive.
Cocaine is amazing! That is a ticket to go into space.
My review of divorce alone was costing me a fortune in alimony and left me sleeping in my office.
This is Thad Valentine.
He is a financial guru.
He is amazing.
My executive assistant, Lucille, urged me to attend a seminar entitled "bring your million-dollar idea, and leave with your million-dollar reality.
" It is $1,776 to achieve financial independence, okay? Do you get it? 1776.
Well, plus a $200 processing fee.
Are you worth $1 million? Yes.
Are you worth $1 million? - Yes! - Yes! Thad Valentine was a high-energy speaker with a talent for talking to the common man.
I used to be just like you.
Lonely, lost, and ugly.
Here's what I did I wrote myself a check for $1 million, but I backdated it an entire year.
Which means, when that time came up, I had to find $1 million, or the bank was gonna say to me, "we're gonna come to your house, we're gonna handcuff you in front of your entire family, we're gonna throw you away, and lock the key.
" True story.
But it didn't happen.
Why? Because confidence.
Confidence! You can have confidence.
And be honest, open up.
Who's a little scared to walk on hot coals tonight? Yeah.
Was it possible that becoming more confident could make me fabulously rich? It was worth a try.
Yes! Yes! The afternoon was full of incredible, confidence-building exercises.
You have all got to try that.
You gotta try that.
You I was feeling more and more psychologically prepared to make my fortune.
- I did this to myself.
- I did this to myself.
I did this to myself.
I had learned so much about confidence that I was spreading it to everyone around me.
Have you, uh, tried these danishes? - They look pretty good.
- Oh, yeah, I did.
- I had one of the cherry ones.
- Oh.
- So good.
- They look pretty pretty good.
Yeah, go for it.
I've always had a weight problem.
My doctors say that it's because I eat too much, - but who knows, right? - Yeah.
But hey, you know, it is never too late to change.
You just have to tell yourself you're worth - $1 million.
- You've got it.
Hey.
Do you want to hear my million-dollar idea? Sure, yeah.
I'm sure it's great.
- Okay.
- Oh, yeah.
- It's a muzzle - Mm-hmm.
That works on a time lock so that you can't eat between meals.
Oh, okay.
So it's for people? - Uh-huh.
- It's a muzzle for people? - Yeah.
- And it, like, covers up your mouth all day long, except for except for mealtime.
And the rest of the time of the day, your mouth is covered over by this by a muzzle? You hate it? Who cares what I think? The important thing is that you know that you are worth $1 million.
- Oh, yeah.
- I know I do.
- Yeah.
- I'm worth $1 million.
- $1 million.
- No doubt about it.
Cool.
- All right.
- $1 million.
See you out there on those coals, okay? Okay.
Now, I want all of you to close your eyes.
There's one thing each of you brought here today your million-dollar idea.
This is what you're gonna shout out as you walk across those hot coals.
Excuse me.
Were we supposed to come here with a million-dollar idea - already in mind? - Yeah.
It's it's the heart of "wealthnastics.
" This idea Oh, God.
Okay.
Lucille had given me a packet of information about this seminar but did not insist that I read it.
Her negligence put me in a terrible position.
Just think of it, just think of it, just think of it.
Just say it.
Just say just say one thing.
I a toilet that can flush itself or a toilet a toilet you don't have to sit on.
Or a bathroom why all my ideas are about bathrooms.
Um, okay.
Stupid.
Hey! Who's ready to walk on some hot coals? Okay, Paula, you're up first.
- Let's go.
- Great.
All right, great.
You got it, sister.
Give me that million-dollar idea.
A self-moisturizing bra! - Yeah! - You did it.
Okay, up next, Mario! All right, Mario.
Ka-ching.
Let's go.
A taco truck where if you pay a little extra you can eat inside the truck! Hey, hey, like that! That's great.
Up next, we got Forrest.
- Where's Forrest? - All right.
There you go.
Come on, Forrest.
Confidence in yourself is an amazing gift.
It is not, however, the same as having an idea.
Uh, a, uh a muzzle that works on a time lock, so you can't eat between meals! Hey, hey! Hey, you stole my idea, ass! What difference does it make? That's my whole life! - Shut up, shut up.
- Is that true? You have to have an original idea.
Ow, ow, ow! - Wait a minute.
- Wait a minute.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come on, get up! We'd all like to avoid a trial, so we have an amount in mind, and I'm sure you'll agree, it's generous.
Well, it had better be $1 million.
No.
Because that's what I'm worth.
I'm worth $1 million.
It's 70,000.
Take it or leave it.
No way.
Oh, you should definitely take it.
I am worth $70,000.
I'm beginning to think nothing will ever go well for you, Forrest.
What are you talking about? I just got $70,000 for burning my hands and feet.
And it's about to get even better, because I have invested every penny of it in that woman's time lock muzzle.
There's an obesity crisis in this country, and I think the answer may very well be locking up people's mouths.
Getting rich quick, four stars.
A.
J.
, my next review, please.
The next review request comes to us via Twitter from @bubblebaths.
Ah, and what would @bubblebaths like to see me review? The tweet says Is there is there more to that, or is that no.
"There all is aching.
" - There all is yeah.
- "There all is aching.
" I have to admit, I have no idea what this means.
Yeah, well, it's good that I'm the reviewer in situations exactly like this so that I can offer unique insights into "There all is aching.
" And here I go, doing exactly that.
- Good.
- Ooh.
"There all is aching.
" This was clearly some kind of complicated code.
The backwards phrasing was like a combination of a zen koan, Yoda's cryptic advice, and Alex Trebek's question-answers.
I decided to adopt that same manner of speech in order to have an authentic "there all is aching" experience.
On rye toast, B.
L.
T.
ordering.
Say what? Uh Mayonnaise having, but not much too, think I.
I'm gonna get you a Cobb salad.
Ah, producer bathroom is going.
Did you have a stroke? Forrest fine, I'm feeling.
Siri, stroke doctors in my area.
Are you experiencing any memory loss? Fiddle I fit as I'm feeling.
"There all is aching" was proving to be a difficult experience to review.
But I was hopeful that an expert in the human brain could help make sense of it.
Why are you talking so strangely? "There all is aching.
" Sense make to you? - What does that mean? - There all is aching.
- What does that mean? - There all is aching.
Hmm.
My commitment to "there all is aching" had apparently made me a danger to myself and others, at least in the eyes of one medical professional.
But I was eager to follow this experience wherever it took me.
There all is aching! Do not understand topic! Nurse, why are smiling? Why are smiling, nurse? Happy I am to say that my time in mental hospital extremely helpful was.
There all's aching.
Answers close at hand were seeming.
There All's aching.
There all's aching.
Met I there a man who like I talked talked.
Georgie, Georgie.
Forrest, Forrest.
A model patient, he was.
Another searcher.
A friend.
There all's aching.
Together, searching for answers we were.
A lot in common we had.
Georgie done nothing! Why all is happening? Why all is happening? But more reviewing to do there was.
Calling my job was to me.
There all's aching.
Distraction is creating escape plan with friend.
Thank you so much.
I'm gonna kill Mrs.
Pinney now, like you ordered.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! Oh.
In a way, my quest to understand "there all is aching" mirrors mankind's search for meaning in a random and senseless universe that too often leads us to inflict horrors upon one another.
Perhaps our best chance as a species lies in remaining determined enough to find meaning everywhere.
I'm s I'm sorry.
- I have to stop you right there.
- Why? It seems that we had a glitch in our question system.
"There all is aching" is actually not the review that @bubblebaths requested.
- It isn't? - No.
Someone on Twitter named "the real Lisa Ching" wanted you to review bubble baths, which are nice, so that would've been fun.
- Oh, and they were switched.
- Right, yes.
Switcheroo.
Whoops.
Well, that is a shame.
I really do enjoy taking a bubble bath.
Right, yeah.
Certainly a lot nicer than shock therapy.
Oh.
All in all, I give there all is aching Bubble baths.
Three stars.